Chapter Text
Normal - Eddie
Bold - Richie
Underlined - Bev
Italics - Stan
October, 7 4:43 pm
hey
are you eddie kaspbrak
um
who is this
im a kidnapper and i just escaped prison
i know everything about you
what the fuck
who the fuck is this
i cant tell you it wouldn’t be good for my business
but im a kidnapper
no you’re not what the fuck
i am
no you are not
are you not scared
not really what the fuck
i could kidnap you
then please just do it go ahead
man your life is soo sad
it’s making me sad
now i decided i wont kidnap anymore congratulations
?????
can you just answer the fucking question
how did you get my number
well i was hoping this would be more fun but you are a really sad person with a really sad life so guess the joke didnt work
that was your idea of a joke???
um
yes?
omg
anyway
MY NAME IS RICHIE TOZIER AND I BELIEVE IM YOUR TUTOR IN THE INCREDIBLE PROJECT OF "NEW YORK TURTLES HELP"
we know the name is lacking but give us some time
the point is that we are the turtles and we help
October 7, 5:06 pm
hey Bev, there is this dude called Richie Tozier, he says he’s my tutor in the volunteering
should i be scared or is it really the person i got
eddie!
hi!
omg yeah that’s your mentor. i mean i told him to text you today so i guess it is him
he started the conversation saying he was a kidnapper
and then he said i’m sad
well that does sound like him
he’s really nice tho!! i’ve known him for so long i cant even remember dont worry
oh okay
i trust you i guess
cool!! you guys will get along i know it
he’s visiting family right now, that’s why he texted you
but he will be back in new york in like a month?? i think??? maybe earlier i dont really know
okay Bev, thank you so much
of course :)!
October 7. 5:09 pm
Bev told me about you
she didn’t say you were fucking stupid though
aww she's so sweet
but we got specially assigned following a very scientific method so idk what does that say about you
we did a stupid quiz what are you talking about
the quizzes don't lie
just like my hips
shakira shakira
it was ridiculous
"what object do you relate to"
what the fuck
what did you answer
a teapot
it's a stupid quiz
yuh
what did you say
so you’re interested
no i'm not
sure
i said im a cymbal
you sound fucking annoying
well i make music, and you’re a teapot
you tell me what is cooler
a cymbal does not make music
it makes sound that may accompany music
a teapot is cooler
so you like tea
nah i’m a coffee person
then what the fuck
i do stuff i don’t want
like talking to you
smooth
do you flirt as good as you insult
not with you
so anyway
first you should actually treat me with some respect im older and taller
how the fuck do you know you’re taller asshole
you don't know me
you have never seen me
i feel like you’re tense right now maybe i shouldnt have talked about height
we can measure dicks instead
what the fuck dude
woah that dude the moment we talk about dicks
very good i see you
ok first of all i didn’t even think about that
uh huh
and second of all how am i supposed to respect you
i can't
you just offered to compare our dicks i literally cant respect you
aw be a good boy and call me sir
my eyes are fucking crawling out of my face
ew
what the fuck that’s fucking gross
hey eds talking about relating to things, i feel like if you were a word you would be the word fuck
but maybe that’s just me idk idk
don't call me eds
that’s not my fucking name asshat
okay sorry eds i will never do it again eds
stop
second i was given your number so i can tell you about the fucking amazing awesome project of turtles helping because turtles are the fucking best
you also like to use the word fuck
yea
and well i was wondering if you had any question about the volunteering
well we already had the whole reunion with bev about the basics
and last years she wouldn’t stop telling me about it so i would join
i guess it worked
but anyway i feel like i have a good understanding of the program
i was just kind of wondering what would be the first event so i can organize my schedule
sure
we don’t really know yet tho
we are still waiting for the college to give us a budget
until now we were only recruiting new people
we have some events that we do every year tho, and usually the first thing is the famous and terrifying haunted house of pennywise the dancing clown
you know, to start the school year and attract people who like halloween, being drunk and jump scares
oh shit yeah i went into the fucking house last year
some fucking guy with spider legs sticking out of his skull made me fall down the stairs
that would be stan
he’s also tutoring someone
bill densomething i think??
bill denbrough?
maybe???
omg!! that’s my best friend!!
no way!! stan is my bestie!!
he must’ve done something terrible to have you as a best friend
ouch?!
i’m sorry i was joking but i realized i have a very aggressive sense of humor and you can’t really hear the joking affectionate tone in my voice
aw so we are already in the affectionate stage
no we’re not
for you is just joking
he must’ve done something terrible to have you as a best friend /j*
oh yes baby keep talking twitter to me
you are so gross
but the haunted house thing sounds good
thank you i guess
yes of course
i'll let you know if they tell me anything else
so when are you going to be back? bev told me you weren’t in new york
oh yeah im in maine
there was a flood and my parents house is kind of ruined
i'm helping them
yeah i know about those
i grew up in maine too
no shit really?
yeah it sucked
iadiwbciewka
anyway, it’s going to take some time to fix the whole house and throw away whatever is ruined
which is almost everything
and then replace it
well you know the drill
and im also taking the time to be with my family
i dont see them a lot
so ill be back in maybe three weeks or four?? i should be there for halloween, even tho you will have to start working without my superior guidance
such a shame for sure
but thanks i'll be texting you
anyway i should probably go
i said id have dinner with a friend so
i hate having diner at 6 you know
but have fun!!
are you going with bill
no, other friend
and what the fuck is wrong with 6
too early im hungry when i have to go to sleep
fucking weirdo
do second dinner like the rest of us
October, 9, 8:39 pm
hey so what food do you relate to
are you trying to get to know me
yea
you sound fun dude
and i always love to have a short king by my side
im not fucking short
what’s your problem
aw dont worry eds shorties are my type
well i dont want to be your type
what food did you put
a french fry
why because you’re weak and people get tired of you
well fuck you no one gets tired of french fries
i never finish my fries
then it must be a sign
like the olive theory
but with fries
ill finish your fries for you eds <3
i don’t think that’s how it works
i do believe in the olive theory tho
do you like olives
i cant fucking stand them
TOLD YOU IT WAS A SIGN
I LOVE OLIVES
it’s just a theory for a reason
you really hurt me you know
ok
anyway i relate to an egg
the food symbolism is sooo obvious eds
not my fucking name
but what do you mean
well dear eddie sir
as you may know french fries and fried eggs make the best meal you could ever imagine
nah
they do
nah
shut up im trying to make a point
sorry go ahead
thanks
they’re really good together
yeah that’s it
omfg
but we were meant to end up together you cant tell me otherwise
so why did you put eggs
idk they are versatile
oh so you are versatile? ;)
tell me more about it ;)
you know what, i would complain but i knew i worded it very badly the moment i sent it
so i’ll instead tell you about how unoriginal you are
the urge was too strong my apologies
eggs are good tho i like eggs
oh yeah? ;)
with sausage? ;)
i'm shook
*
October, 9, 8:51 pm
hey stan he's really funny what the fuck
Who is funny?
you know eddie
the guy i'm tutoring for the volunteering
Oh
Ok?
nevermind staniel go watch your stupid birds
Ok…
You know I’m always here for you, Rich
yea sure
is your guy nice? bill i think??
Yes, he is really nice
But I thought you were leaving me alone…
you are so mean stan
You are annoying and I don't point it out
you actually do
a lot
But anyway I met Bill… And we've been talking and he’s a big horror fan
omg stan!! judging bad horror movies is like your favorite activity ever!!
I know
So yeah we've been getting along
that's nice
well ill leave you now
Thanks
*
October, 9, 8:54 pm
that was actually horrible
see this is what you make me do
nonono you could have said something like stfu
you decided to joke about sausages instead
accept your mistake be a man
is that what you tell yourself when you wake up
woah
you are savage
yeah sorry if it bothers you
you can tell me anytime if i step over a line or whatever
are you kidding me eds it’s me who usually steps over every existing line
don’t worry about that
oh ok cool
people usually beep beep me if i go too far
beep beep?
beep beep
it must happen so often if you even have like a *thing* you say
you must be horrible
well fuck you
hey so how did you meet bev?
she founded the whole turtle volunteering project right
did you help her with it or
i mean yeah i kind of helped her start
i have contacts in the entertainment industry
so i got some people to act at the events she organized
woah i didn't know i was talking to a celebrity here
what can i say
im an important personality in the world of shitty stand up in unknown bars and bad garage bands that dont want me because i only know how to play weezer songs
but no the campaign was all her idea and she deserves all the credits
she is fucking badass
she really is
i met her last year she is the coolest person i’ve ever known
i dont see her much tho :(
there’s always a really hot guy with her too
omg yea thats ben!! they're dating
they're so in love i sometimes get kind of lonely and want to smash my head against a wall
cute
so fucking cute
but ive been here longer
i’ve known her since middle school and we've been besties since
i thought stan was your bestie???
he's my other bestie not you trying to gatekeep my friendship
you are ridiculous
anyway our love story started one day in the movies
i was going to watch a cool movie about a werewolf… but then something horrible happened…
i accidentally threw my slurpee all over Henry Bowers
omg you wrote it in caps who is that Scary Person™
he was like the bully psycho kid number one on our town
and being a dumbass and throwing a drink to his face was not a good idea
yea i had one of those too
he once tied my hands under the bleachers in the gym and left me there all night
well wtf we’re coming back to that later
it was a lot of drama
so unnecessary
what did bev do in the movies
i bet she did something awesome
she certainly did
she took her bucket of popcorn and put it in Bower's head while i run away
it was THE meet-cute
that does sound cute
and here we are happy forever until the day we die
we do everything together
you know she uses me as a model for her clothes in her instagram account
im just that inspiring
i um
i buy food for her when we’re together
sometimes
anyway she loooves me
oh really
i've never seen it
you can go stalk it if you want
i wont judge you
no thank you
ok
[5 min later] so anyway
you look dumb in most of the pictures
so i look good in some of them ;)
gross not the winky face
hey do you want my instagram @
i can just give it to you
i didn't ask what the fuck
but um sure i guess if you insist
oabeizlqbska
ok it is @trashmouth_
trashmouth omg that fits you so well
cause you are trash
omg yes!! you really know me eds!!
hey are you e.kaspbrk
nuh uh must be someone else for sure
i have a request from someone called hottimes.callmyass
maybe that’s you
yes
yes actually that’s me you should totally accept it
how could i forget
you’re so funny eds
so silly
yes im known for exactly that
hey
hey hey hey
why dont you have any picture
i dont like to post my face online
YOU ARE A CHEATER
SO UNFAIR
i dont know what you’re talking about
yes you do you fucking traitor
so anyway track training had just finished and this guy told me
yeah you change the subject
you disgusting asshole
shortie
im not fucking short what is wrong with you
im done you will never know how i spent a whole night in the gym and my mom called the police and a whole town started looking for me in the woods and my face was even briefly on the milk cartoons
did no one thought about looking in the high school????
who knows
you wont
NOO EDS
EDDIE
SIR TEAPOT SIR
DONT IGNORE ME
PLEASE
October, 9, 11:29 pm
ok so i was the only one left taking a shower after track cause it meant i could be alone
and no one would laugh at me for being grossed out by absolutely everything
i mean what the fuck changing rooms are so disgusting
i almost make a ur mom joke but im invested in the story and i dont want you to go
good call
nice
it was almost dark and i thought i would be alone but when i went out my own Scary Person™ was outside
and i was like ok eddie you can do this he is probably just hanging out or whatever
but before i could get to the door he called me
oh no
oh no indeed
i thought i was fucked
but he just asked me if i wanted some candy
which i guess should have made me suspect
but i said yes of course
omg eds you are so dumb i didnt think you would fall for that
you would be so dead in a scary movie
shut up asshole
it has a good explanation
oh right
yeah i swear
my mom was very strict and i was very caged my whole childhood and early teens
so is actually ironic that you almost make a ur mom joke
i am a prophet
i am a prophet i tell you
sure
anyway she never allowed me to eat candy so i would stay healthy and skinny
wtf
yea it's funny cause she ate in one meal as much as i ate in three days
i mean it took years to convince her to let me join a sports team because she was too scared i would get hurt
thats so weird dude wtf im sorry
nah dont worry
she’s not in my life anymore and i already moved on so dont pity me
does that mean i can make ur mom jokes without it being a touchy topic
yes
but dont make ur mom jokes seriously what is wrong with you
you are supposed to be a grown adult
my mama told me i would always be her baby
guess yours too because in comparison you must've been baby sized for her
im so done
you are so not funny
stop talking to me im gonna block you
ok
[5 min later] so i go with this kid to a corner where he was with his friends
honestly i was so fucking dumb
and i mean i ate half of what other kids ate so i was small as fuck
aww i knew you were a short king
that was in fifth grade shitface i have grown since then
im not short
sure
well one of them grabbed me and pulled me under the bleachers
and the other two tied my hands
and they left me there
and all the clubs and sports were done so no one came into the gym until the next morning
did they find you there?
fuck no
that would be so embarrassing omfg
i had some scissors on my fanny pack so after some time i could take them out and cut the rope
i spent the first couple of hours having a panic attack but after that everything was fine really
YOU HAD A FANNY PACK
that’s really what you take from all that
I MEAN YEAH
YOU HAD A FANNY PACK
THATS SO CUTE EDS
DID YOU ALWAYS HAD IT WITH YOU OOOR?
yes
it was really useful shut up
UNTIL WHAT GRADE?
THAT’S SO CUTE OMG
it was not cute
and until 9th grade
shut up
i slept on a yoga mat and got out before anyone could find me in the morning
then went to school like any other day and went back home where my crying mom made me spent the whole weekend in the emergency room
what did you tell her
about what happened
that i got lost in the woods
i didn't want her to homeschool me or something
but i left a box of chocolates in the police office because i felt bad for them
aww
you are so considerate
shut the fuck up
not that you have shown that part of you to me
i wonder why
anyway i'm going to sleep now
it’s so early tho
it’s almost midnight
oh
ok i didnt realize that
still early tho
is wednesday
and i have an early start tomorrow
ow fuck i hate early morning classes
yeah same
btw i just realized i never asked
what are you majoring in?
mechanical engineering
hot
shut up
will you be a hot mechanic when you grow up eds
i am already a grown up
will you be all greasy and sweaty with your biceps exposed
fixing a car wearing only sexy overalls not even underwear
that would be so gross and uncomfortable
i don't think it would be healthy to have your dick floating there
the overalls fabric would be too rough
and so hot and sexy eds
shut up dickhead i am not a sexy mechanic
and i will never be
i just like cars and trains
well i have a massive train if you want to study that
you are so gross
shut up asshat
are you sure eds i could rail that tunnel really well
ok beep fucking beep
woah you are really strong i have never got this far without someone beep beeping me
i was wondering when would you give in
you are fucking gross asshole of course i gave in what the fuck
i'm going to sleep now
i'm going to have nightmares and it will be your fault
if you want to call them that
disgusting shut up dont talk to me
night eds !!
not my name
[2 min later] night