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To say it’s been a hard Christmas is an understatement. Their first without Lola. They’ve all got through it by keeping busy, not to forget or fill the immeasurable space Lola has left behind, but to cope with it. Ben, Callum, Jay and Lexi ended up spending some of Christmas Day with Billy, Honey, Will and Janet. They went to his dad and Kat’s for Boxing Day. They had dropped in on the Beales, not that Ben is forgiving Ian and Cindy for going into business with a rapist any time soon. He went there to see his mum, say hello to Bobby, and check in on Peter’s recovery. Ben’s a bit worried about his mum, what with her and Rocky’s relationship imploding via café explosion revelation right before Christmas; Rocky’s lucky he’s skulked off somewhere Ben can’t find him. His mum's anger seems to have given way to being unusually quiet and distracted, drawn and tense every time Ben’s seen her since Christmas Day. Rocky better watch his back, is all Ben's saying.
Christmas has posed other challenges too, it being the time of year for indulgence and all that. So much food. Ben’s been taking it a day at a time. He’s been doing ok, actually.
Jay has been taking it a day at a time too.
Ben thinks Lexi has had as good a Christmas as she could have had; there have been moments, tears, of course, and another heartbreaking-yet-comforting video message, present and card from Lola, but Lexi has smiled too, and laughed, and sung karaoke, loved all her gifts, and been involved in a Christmas show with her dance school.
Callum has been a godsend. He really, really has. He has been as he always is; steadfast, supportive, stubborn when he needs to be, and always a little too willing to take a backseat if it means helping someone else. He spent yesterday visiting his Gran, Stuart, Rainie and Roland, but every other day he’s been here, playing with Lexi, checking in with them all in different ways.
God, Ben loves him.
It’s New Year’s Eve tomorrow, but tonight, tonight Ben wants an evening for just him and Callum. It’s been a long time since they've spent quality time together, just the two of them. He’s already made arrangements with Jay, he just hasn’t actually asked Callum yet.
He gets up from the sofa, circling the pile of Lexi’s new stuff, to where his husband is busy making lunch in the kitchen, humming along tunelessly to the radio.
“Cal, you don’t have a shift tonight, right?”
“Nah, I’m free. Why?”
“Well…” Ben rests his hip against the kitchen counter, watches him carry on making sandwiches, “I reckon it’s high time I take my husband out on a date.”
Callum looks up from buttering bread then, to turn to Ben in surprise. “A date?”
“What? We might be married, but that don’t mean we can’t still go out on dates! Jay’s taking Lex to Billy and Honey’s tonight,” Ben catches Callum’s hand from where it’s resting on the counter, tugs him a little bit closer. “So, I thought I could take you out to dinner?”
Callum smiles, but Ben knows him well enough to see the glimmer of question in his eyes even as he says, “Really?”
That word is as loaded as some of the guns Ben’s handled in his lifetime. It's hopeful sounding, and flattered, but Ben knows with that ‘Really?’ Callum is also asking if Ben’s sure. If he’s ok going out to some nice restaurant, something they haven’t done since Ben started his journey of recovery for his eating disorder. They have eaten out for breakfast, or for lunch, but not a meal out like Ben’s suggesting.
Callum may also be asking because of the way Ben’s pulled him close enough for them to be pressed together, his thumb smoothing across the back of Callum’s hand; he’s asking if Ben is asking him on this date because Ben is also ready to try being sexually intimate with him again. Since their first conversation about Ben’s struggle with intimacy after what Lewis did to him, he and Callum have been easing back into intimacy. Always at Ben’s pace, and Callum has been so patient, so understanding, so lovely in every way. They have always been tactile, and that never really changed, but just lately Ben has been initiating touch and kisses more. On Christmas Day Callum had kissed Ben’s forehead – as he's been doing regularly as his way of giving Ben his affection without asking anything from him in return – and Ben had taken Callum’s face his hand and guided his lips down to Ben’s. Callum had looked so pleased, and had actually blushed, like Ben used to be able to make him blush all the time.
All Christmas Ben has woken up beside Callum and wanted him in a way his trauma hasn’t allowed him to feel in a while. He has seen Callum be an amazing parent to Lexi, cause Jay to smile, seen the Christmas lights dust blue, red, green, white light across Callum’s hair and face, and been reminded time and time again how utterly beautiful Callum is. Has always been. Maybe it's all the romance of the Christmas season getting to him, but Ben's feeling a longing he hasn’t felt in too long a time, and it has turned into desire. A desire Ben finally feels ready to act on.
That’s not to say when it comes down to it Ben might not change his mind, it might come to that moment and Ben’s flight instinct will kick in. He hopes that won’t be the case. Therapy has been helping him come to terms with the rape, the eating disorder – his rape, his eating disorder – and his struggles with intimacy, and talking about things, and burying things down so not to be a burden. He thinks he’s ready. He feels ready. He wants to be ready. So badly he wants.
“Really,” Ben says, and he means it. He goes up on his toes to press a kiss to Callum’s cheek. “My treat. All you need to do is look pretty.”
Callum’s whole face brightens at Ben’s answer, and pinks a little at the compliment. He ducks his head with that ridiculously-modest smile of his. “I think I can manage that.”
Ben grins back at him, and it feels good. “I know you can.”
*
Ben grins as he walks towards the living room and hears Callum ask “Well? What do you think?” and Lexi reply, “You look very handsome, buuut I still think I should fix your hair.”
“You heard the lady,” Jay’s voice joins in.
“Fine,” Callum sighs loudly, but Ben can tell just from his tone he doesn’t mean it, and Ben knows he will find Callum sitting on the sofa tolerating Lexi’s new hairstyling set even before he stops lingering and earwigging outside the door and enters the room.
“Dad!” Lexi abandons Callum to rush towards him. “You look amazing!”
Callum stands, grinning sheepishly, his hair actually rather artfully ruffled by Lexi’s attention; she clearly has her mum’s talent. “You really do,” Callum tells him, eyes flatteringly fixed on him.
Ben can’t help but preen – he’s made an effort, alright? It’s very rewarding to see it pay off so effectively.
Callum’s clearly made an effort too. The trousers are unfairly tight, the black shirt suits him unfairly well. He looks stunning.
“Alright, lovebirds,” Jay scoffs good-naturedly, “we all know you both look good. Now leave, have a good time.”
Ben cocks his head at Callum, smirks, and holds out his hand, “Shall we?”
Callum grins and takes it.
“Bye Dad! Bye Callum! Have a nice time!” Lexi shouts after them as Ben leads Callum out, grabbing their coats along the way.
*
They go to a fancy restaurant, one Ben has been to before, that does amazing food without huge portions or calories displayed on the menus. Callum looks beyond beautiful in the dimmed mood-lighting, and he’s looking back at Ben like he usually does – like Ben hung the moon and stars in the sky – which Ben never used to think he deserved, but is beginning to allow himself to think he might, because he knows he would hang the damn moon in the sky for Callum if he could. For Callum he would.
They eat, they drink, they talk about anything and everything, they don’t take their eyes off each other, and it feels just like it did when they first became a couple. It’s so easy. It feels right.
They arrive back to an empty flat, Jay and Lexi still out at Billy and Honey’s.
“You want a beer?” Callum asks, already heading to the fridge.
“Yeah, ta,” Ben flops on the sofa to take his shoes off.
Callum returns with two opened beers, and before he can inevitably ponder whether he should sit in the armchair or if Ben wants him closer, Ben beckons him over. “Come here.”
Callum’s head ducks as he smiles. He hands Ben his beer, and sits down next to him on the sofa.
“Have you had a good night?”
“Yeah, it was nice to do something, just the two of us,” Callum says, before rushing to add, “Not that I don’t love being with Lex and Jay…”
Ben waves it off. “I know what you mean. And that’s one of the reasons I wanted to take you out tonight. To thank you. I know when we got married you became Lexi’s stepdad, but we didn’t know then what we do now, and just how much of a parent you would have to become. You’ve been so good with her, so supportive to all of us.”
“I love her, Ben,” Callum says easily. “I love you.” Like that answers everything, and maybe it does.
Ben reaches out to squeeze Callum’s thigh in acknowledgment. “It’s been a shit year,” Ben continues, “Lola, my…my not coping after what Lewis did, and then everything Jay’s been going through…and that’s not counting the rest of my usual family drama, but through all of that, there’s been you.” He abandons the beer bottle to cup Callum’s face, and make sure he’s listening to how much Ben means this, how much he wants him to know it. “And I know you’ve had so much of that to cope with as well, and have lost friends…Lo, Mick…”
Callum swallows. He breaks eye contact. It’s been a year since Mick went into the sea and never came out. Ben barely saw Callum for weeks, he went into work every day to see if there was any news, any missing persons found, any bodies washed up…he and Callum definitely hadn’t spent December 30th together last year. Callum had been at work, helping in the search.
“I just…” Ben doesn’t want to bring the mood down, but he needs this to be said. He catches Callum's eyes again. “I just want you to know how much I appreciate you. How wonderful you’ve been. How good, and kind, and patient and understanding. For how much you do for us.”
“You do so much for us too,” Callum counters, “You’ve been there for me too, more than you probably know. Or will let yourself admit.”
“I’m working on it." Ben says. "Tell you what, though…” he bites his lip thoughtfully, and can’t help but smile when Callum’s gaze falls to the action. “I agree that it’s been a while since it was just the two of us.” Ben drags his thumb back over Callum’s cheek. “Too long.” Callum’s lips part to say something, but Ben beats him to it. “I love you, Cal. And I want you." He searches Callum’s darkening eyes. “If you want me, too.”
“Ben,” Callum breathes, “You know I do. I…I just want you to be sure.”
“I’m sure. But if I change my mind, it’s not because I don’t want you, or love you…”
“I know,” Callum promises. “You just tell me what you want. You tell me what to do. Anything.”
“Anything is quite the promise, babe,” Ben teases, and actually feels confident in the flirt for the first time in so long, which is crazy, considering how confident Ben used to be, before. He hopes he gets back to that. Callum’s reaction to the words makes that old confidence rise a little further and settle more comfortably in Ben’s skin. “I’m going to kiss you, now.”
“Please,” Callum pleads.
Ben leans in and kisses his husband, slow and hot, yet so safe and familiar. It’s everything Ben needs. Everything he wants.
“I love you, Cal,” Ben tells him on a breath.
“I love you too,” Callum vows against Ben’s lips before they’re kissing again.
“You don’t have to keep your hands to yourself,” Ben murmurs. He appreciates that Callum hasn’t grabbed him, but he needs his husband to touch him. He wants to feel him. “You can touch me.” He deftly undoes the top couple of buttons of Callum’s shirt and ghosts his fingers across the soft skin that’s exposed, feels him swallow, and waits. One of Callum’s hands comes up to lightly circle the wrist of the hand tracing his skin, and the other rests warm and steady on Ben’s waist, his little finger brushing underneath Ben's shirt and touching skin.
“This ok?” Callum checks.
“Yes,” Ben promises, leans in to kiss him again. And it is. God, it really, really is.
***
New Year’s Eve passes in a blur of bliss, as far as Ben’s concerned. It’s the happiest he’s felt all year.
And now, Albert Square is filled with people that have poured out of the houses, pub and bars for the New Year countdown.
“What’s your New Year’s resolution?” Ben asks Callum, intentionally-casual, right before the countdown. “I think mine is renewing my vows to my husband, if he’s up for it.”
The countdown is shouted so loud by the crowd that Ben would turn down his hearing aid, if he wasn’t so distracted watching Callum process what Ben’s said with every passing counted-out-loud second.
He gets his answer at exactly midnight, with a delighted kiss from Callum, and Ben feels everything he has been wanting to feel.
They don’t stay out to celebrate further, they go to bed like a boring old married couple who have just agreed to renew their vows.
Ben’s dozing off by the time Callum climbs into bed next to him. Ben blindly reaches out to wrap him up in his arms, enjoying the warmth of Callum’s shower-warm skin, and the closeness, the feel of Callum against him. Ben hums with contentment.
He gets the feeling he’s being watched and cracks an eye open to find Callum looking at him fondly.
Ben groans and throws his arm over his eyes. “Ugh, what?” But he’s smiling. He can’t help it.
“Nothing, just love you is all,” comes Callum’s endearingly honest reply.
Ben uncovers his eyes, so he can look at him, and touch Callum’s face, and play with the strands of his gel-free, soft hair. “Oh, that all?”
“Well, no, actually,” Callum says, “I was thinking…”
“Dangerous,” Ben teases.
“Rude,” Callum scolds. “I was thinking, that maybe, when we renew our vows, that I might…well, what with my dad and everything, I’ve never really been that attached to my family name, and after Mick…well I’m not ‘Halfway’ anymore, either, so, I was thinking…”
“Callum Highway,” Ben announces, waking up properly as he realises what Callum's going on about, “Are you asking to become Callum Mitchell?”
“Well…maybe?” Callum starts awkwardly, “What…what do you think about that?”
Ben can only beam at him, wrapping him tighter in his arms as he growls playfully, “I told you I’d make a Mitchell out of you!”
Callum laughs. “That a yes, then?”
“Babe, that is more than a yes,” Ben tells him, and then kisses him for good measure.