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Sapnap stretched a bit in the driver seat of his car, he had just picked George up from the airport because he was there now. In Florida. To Live. All they had to do was drive home and George had to meet Dream then they could all be happy best friends.
I still remember the third of December, me in your sweater
Best friends that he was in love with. Best friends that led to heleniums seeping from his throat as weeks turned to a year and some.
You said it looked better on me than it did you
But he could keep his secret to himself because it had been long enough. It had been long enough for him to forget the moments he and Dream shared in the privacy of their old house.
Only if you knew how much I liked you
It had been long enough that he could forget the moments shared in George’s flat when he went to visit and they were a little too close and a little too over the bounds of friends.
But I watch your eyes as she
It had been long enough that DNF became stronger and more known to the public. It wasn’t a matter of ‘if’ they would get together to the public but a ‘when’ they would share the truth of their relationship.
Walks by
It had been long enough for Sapnap to be over it and for DreamNap and SNF to be old news.
What a sight for sore eyes
Sapnap is over it now. Mostly. That’s what Karl thought, at least, and even Sapnap thought it was true for a while. He thought he could live with the idea that DreamNap and SNF were dead and gone. But, it wasn’t true even a little bit. He missed his best friends as they separated from him into just DNF, more than you’re meant to miss a best friend. They say that time heals love wounds, but it’s been over a year and it’s still as raw as it was on the first day the first flower fell when he picked George up from the airport. This wasn’t the type of pain that time could be helped, it was deep and permanent.
He still couldn’t look at old photos or watch old collabs without any substance entering his body for the fear that he’d do something stupid like get pissed at their DNF love and call one of them while they were off in LA and he was home alone. It wasn’t like the friendships were dead or anything – and that was the biggest problem. He needed them to be dead.
He still watched social media uploads and was acutely aware that they were still DNF and crazy in love. He still occasionally scrolled through his camera roll when he’d had a few hits too many and got sad high instead of ‘party all night’ high. None of this was a concern really – embarrassing, sad, dumb, whatever, but not concerning.
Brighter than the blue sky
Not until he started coughing up those fucking flowers. Those heleniums with thorns that left him weak and pained after he spat up handfuls at a time. They weren’t even meant to have thorns but maybe that’s the joys of the curse - no, not curse - loving George and Dream was not a curse. He knew about this shit from weird fanfictions of them and random online articles but he didn’t think it was true. How could it be? How is something like that not just pure bullshit? Not just something for writers to write about to make readers shed a few tears to think their favorite characters could die over something as special as love.
He didn’t even bother going to the doctor. He knew the fucking rules. Either you get the flowers cut out and lose all feelings for the person - and maybe even memories - and he couldn’t just forget them, how could he?
Or, you let the disease progress until you die. And what did Sapnap have left if not past shreds of something special? He would rather die with the glimpses into the past when it all meant something, than live with nothing at all. He would rather suffer a painful death over suffering without memories of George and Dream.
Or, the third option. Have his feelings requited. And honestly, he had nothing to lose. He was dying anyway. If he died now, it would be no shock to anyone. And it seemed like even TikTok was out to get him with his memories…
She's got you mesmerized while I die
DTEAM Christmas. Speaking of glimpses from the past, DTEAM Christmas was showing up on his fyp during October . DTEAM christmas was quaint, though, maximalist and just not something that needs to be on his FYP almost a year later. The three of them had loved their little fan Christmas. It was their thing, to make shit up for the fans that they also enjoyed. Their actual Christmas wasn’t platonic, but it wasn’t exactly officially romantic either. A strange uncomfortable middle ground that they would dance around instead of just talking about it. There were kisses on the head with cuddles and stolen glances and silences that said more than words could ever convey. Did friends do that? Sapnap didn’t think so, but Dream and George seemed to.
Why would you ever kiss me?
He supposed it didn’t really matter now. But it did, and it always would, because it was Dream and George. George and Dream. Sapnap knew deep down that it was always going to be Dream and George and their stupidly cute laughs and the glimmer in their eyes when they talked about nerd shit, Sapnap didn’t really understand. Dream with analytics and George with computer science. He was snapped out of his thoughts with flower bulbs escaping his throat that seemed to reprimand his reminiscing. Not even his memories could remain a safe place with these stupid flowers.
I'm not even half as pretty
He still refused to tell Karl of his Hanahaki. They were good friends, but he never confided in him about any of it. Not the flowers, not that he still loves George and Dream, not even that he considered George and Dream to be more than best friends. He wanted the memories to still just be for him, his special secrets. In a way he quite liked the flowers, they were poetic or some bullshit that he couldn’t wrap his mind around - even now. It was messed up to want to keep it to himself, but it was true. It forced him to remember. Not that he could ever forget. He could never forget his love. He refused.
You gave her your sweater, it's just polyester
He admired his own resolve for not confessing, for just letting it be. He always said to Karl that if he could do it all again, he would’ve just never made friends with them, but he knew that was an absolute lie told to keep Karl happy. He’d do it again a thousand times in every life for them. Sometimes he wishes starting over really was an option – not to change his fate or anything, but just to relive the happy times he so desperately wanted back. How does he even begin to heal from a heartbreak that’s etched itself so deep into his very core, literally wrapping itself around his lungs? Sapnap often pretended to himself that this was it, that he’d really try and get over it this time, but he didn’t want to. The sadness had gotten comfortable and to get better would be to completely close the door on his feelings - on Dream and George. What if the feelings were requited? That was never going to happen, but it felt enough to hope. Hope kept him going. There had to hope for a chance, even if he thought it was slim.
But you like her better
Sapnap was proud of not confessing to them, but don’t get him wrong – he wanted to. Badly. Every single day. If anything, now seemed like an appropriate time, he was literally dying and would only be in the same position if it went badly. Maybe it’d even go well? Something in this life had to. Sapnap tended to be a very pessimistic man, because if he was pessimistic, he’d either be right or crudely surprised. Sure, he was fueled by anger… but he still had hope for things. But he could never be pessimistic about Dream and George. He wasn’t one for fate, luck or any other destiny bullshit, but it was different when it was his boys. If they weren’t meant for each other in some way, then who was? Who was he meant to be with? Karl?
Wish I were Heather
Plus it was easy to have faith when he was wasted and a little high.
I want her hair,
Want to steal what she wears,
Want to smell like her perfume,
Do everything like her,
George and Dream didn’t get high. Sure George drank, but he never got high. And sure Dream had joined him some nights when George was off with other people, but he never drank.
Cause isn't she perfect?
Sapnap was the outlier to their love. He was nothing compared to them.
The lipstick on her lips..
He was nothing to them.
I wish I could kiss her, to know why you love her…
“Hey~” Sapnap slurred into the phone and Dream sat up on the couch quickly as panic flooded his senses. George had been carding a hand through his hair and jumped at the sudden movement. “What’s our address again? I need it for the uber.”
“Are you still at the bar downtown?” Dream asked and now George looked worried.
“Yup!” Sapnap popped the ‘p’ and Dream let out a breath.
“Stay there.. Just don’t move.” Dream hung up and looked at George who was already getting their shoes and jackets around. Dream grabbed his keys and they made their way to the car.
Dream pulled up to the bar and he and George went inside to grab Sapnap. Sapnap leaned into Dream as they walked to the car, he was spewing nonsense about DNF. Dream was pretty over it as he put Sapnap into the backseat, George sitting back there with the younger.
Sapnap did not expect to wake up in bed with both Dream and George. They were in Dream’s room and both were clinging to him impossibly close. He knew he could relish in the feeling of being where he always wanted to be - with them - but he knew he couldn’t be selfish. They were a unified segment of each other. Sure the three of them were an extension of each other, as Dream had once said. But he couldn’t have them.
He saw how George looked at Dream.
She walks by
What a sight for sore eyes
He sees the way George’s eyes light up at the mere mention of the blonde. He sees the way George’s smile grows twice in size when he sees the blonde just existing in their house. He sees the way George melted into those emerald green eyes. Though to George they were not a soft forest. They were warm honey. Melting smooth as gold, and sweeter than anything the world deserves.
Brighter than the blue sky
She's got you mesmerized while I die
The two of them melted each other sweeter than the world deserved to witness. They completed each other in the soothing way that Sapnap could only hope to find. He tried to find it with Karl. He tried to find it in drinks. He tried to find it in random people at parties or bars.
But no one was Dream and George. No one was as sweet. No one was as perfect. No one held the world in soft hands. Not like they did. Not like Sapnap wanted.
Dream stirred a bit and kissed Sapnap on the head, “Go back to sleep Pandas..”
Sapnap let out a shaky breath. Just like before, this was normal. It was normal for friends to kiss each other. It had to be. Karl kissed his friends. It was totally normal.
Why would you ever kiss me?
But Sapnap was not George. And George was oh so pretty.
That’s what he is, Sapnap thinks - he knows - He knows George is gorgeous.
He’s never thought so, but George has always been the prettiest boy he’s ever seen.
Even when Sapnap longed for a relationship he would never have, George was pretty. His overgrown hair has always been nauseatingly adorable to him; It compliments his face so well, especially when the side pieces curl ever so gently around his ears. Sapnap never understood why he liked to cut it so short sometimes. He loved the long almost-curls. He loved everything about George, really.
I'm not even half as pretty
So, it hurts his heart to know George thinks he’s ugly. Yes, George, the same George who's as brutally honest as it can get, yes GeorgeNotFound. The man who never takes anything seriously. The man who owns the title of ‘emotionally constipated’. The man who Sapnap would sell his soul for, right along with Dream. The man who was clutching onto him so tightly, his arms must be numb.
George says his shoulders are too small - that he’s too small. He has womanly hands. Ugly facial features. George could ramble on for hours with certain topics - like coding bullshit, and unfortunately, his self-hatred was one of the topics he can go on about endlessly. He feels like he’s not as masculine as the other guys, but at the same time he wants to feel more feminine and less masculine - slimmer shoulders, softer facial features so it's an endless loop of self-hate and self-love. His body is ‘wrong,’ he says. He shouldn’t be like this. He shouldn’t be less than the men he sees on social media. He wants to look like anything but himself. He wants to be desirable to people beyond being built more feminine. He wants to enjoy the slim body he was graced with. He wants to be with someone who will love him for him. Sapnap had heard all of this on one of their rare serious talk nights - Very late into the night where Dream was too busy in LA all night and they were stuck home.
Sapnap and Dream are there, though. They love him for him, from head to toe. His brown hair frames his face perfectly, they insist - even though George thinks it's impossible - it's the truth, they believe it to be so. They think he looks absolutely adorable in their hoodies that somehow are massive on him - hanging by his thighs sometimes near the knees - depending on the hoodie. Like Dream’s black smile hoodie.
You gave her your sweater, it's just polyester
Sapnap knows him and Dream share a similar feeling on George’s beauty. He knows Dream thinks George is a god who walks amongst them. He knows Dream loves George. Personality above all else. Because Sapnap loved George in those ways. So Dream must. Because Dream will always love George.
But you like her better
And Sapnap wants to be loved back, just as much.
I wish I were Heather
He feared the day his love would turn to loneliness. And because of this, he knew he needed to leave. So he did. He went to stay with Karl as November approached.
*
Sapnap turned off his phone with a sigh and bit some skin off of his lip. He sat and waited for his uber to arrive outside the airport in North Carolina. He spat full heleniums out and relished in the way they drew blood from his throat. Out of all the things he anticipated, all the outcomes and multiverses he envisioned, that was absolutely not one of them. He never anticipated enjoying the burning pains and the blood.
His body seemed to be operating on autopilot as he made his way to Karl’s house. He didn’t really know how he was going to explain everything, but the least he could do was try. ‘ I suppose I owe Karl the full story’ , Sapnap thought, approaching Karl’s door. It was daunting to enter, but it had to be done. And in no time he gave a few small knocks and was greeted with a very concerned looking Karl. (To be fair, he had called Karl in a panic, saying he needed to go to his house and had no time to explain because it was life or death.) Sapnap didn’t even realize he was still crying until Karl cupped his cheeks and pawed at the tears with his sleeves. The taller man shut the door and beckoned for Sapnap to come sit over on the couch.
“Now… what the fuck?” Karl asked, “You really scared me, dude.”
Sapnap took a shaky breath in and diverted his attention to the cat that was weaving between his legs. He happily took the distraction of petting Grey.
“George, Dream and I were more than friends, kind of? It wasn’t, like, official, but we went on ‘dates’ to a shitty diner and did all the things couples do, and Dream and I had a thing going on and then George and I, an-”
Watch as she stands with her, holding your hand
He was interrupted by a wet cough, bloodied flower petals escaping his mouth. The color drained from Karl’s face. Sapnap ignored it. He’d get to that bit eventually. Right now he was more bothered with the story.
“...and when DNF took off after George moved… I didn’t take it well, as you can see. I need to confess .But I woke up cuddling with them the day I called you and…. Dream- he just- he kissed me and I got scared and ran away, and I… and I just…” Sapnap fizzled out, words turning into sobs and retching and heleniums. Karl watched him with fear, but held him as he cried anyway.
Put your arm 'round her shoulder, now I'm getting colder
“You have to confess- or get the surgery.” he finally spoke. Sapnap lent into the embrace and started to sob, tremoring. Karl started carding a hand through his hair and muttered shushes. It was tender. Sapnap looked up into his eyes with an expression that could be only described as anguished.
Sapnap eventually calmed down and Karl allowed him to go rest. They made plans to hang out and play some games in the morning.
Sapnap expected the person on the end of his phone call that next morning to be Karl waking him up for breakfast. He was met with someone less desirable. Someone far more bitter. Someone who must have just read the note that said he was going to Karl’s because he needed to and that he couldn’t be home anymore.
Someone who would not share the truth of the words stained in blood and tears on the paper that was placed ever so gently next to a helenium.
“Pandas.” George said harshly into the phone. “What the fuck am I reading?”
“Something I know you won’t read to Dream. Not all of it. Not the truth, only some lies you craft up about why I flew to Karl’s in the middle of the night.” Sapnap said and George huffed.
“Helenium are flowers that represent tears.” George said, looking at the soft flower in his hand. “Why didn’t you tell us? This could have been sorted much sooner.”
“What? You want me to get the surgery and then… like… I don't know- reteach me my memories?” Sapnap asked, frustration lacing his voice. “Why did you even call me, George?”
“You don’t need the surgery.” George said like it was the simplest answer to all of Sapnap’s questions. “I read this letter before I went to bed last night- I woke up to you leaving.. I just.. I couldn’t call then. I couldn’t stop you. I knew it wouldn’t work and I didn’t want to waste my breath.”
“Then why? Why call me? Why tell me things about a surgery you have no control over. I love you both . I love you both so much it’s literally killing me. And here you are telling me random shit. This is my life here. My life is on the line. I figured you would at least want me to have the surgery so I could at least have a life. I don’t want to die, George. But I would absolutely do it for you and Dream.” Sapnap spoke with a seriousness that George had never heard. Then, he coughed up flowers. “I hate you.”
“You died in my dream last night. You were strangled by those goddamn flowers and you fucking died. And it hurt me, do you know why?”
“Because you’re one of the causes?”
“Because I love you.” George said.
“Fuck you.” Sapnap hung up the phone. How could George say that to him? How could George do that to him? How could he? How? Hadn’t Sapnap suffered enough at his hands? Now this? Now more heleniums? Why did it have to be Sapnap's fault that Dream and George couldn’t love like he could? Why did this all have to be on him?
But how could I hate her? She's such an angel
And maybe he overlooked the flowers he coughed up after George’s confession only having half the pedals on them. Maybe he overlooked the signs and instead went to Karl crying. Because why was he the one to have to die?
But then again, kinda wish she were dead as she
“This isn’t good for you, Nick. Why do it to yourself? I mean, you’ll literally die..” Karl asked and Sapnap only cried harder.
“I can’t lose them..” Sapnap sobbed, “Please- please Karl, I can’t. I really really can’t. They are my everything- but I’m scared of dying…” Sapnap felt that he was clearly having a panic attack, it was hard to breathe- it was hard to think. His thoughts were collecting themselves into a mass of chaos in his brain and nothing felt real. He didn’t feel real.
Walks by
“They want you but they don’t love you.” Karl spoke softly. “Is the disease not proof enough?”
“I don’t know if I don’t try- and honestly I would rather be wanted and not loved over being loved and not wanted.” Sapnap spoke in a broken whisper.
“You should get the surgery. I understand that you would die for them… but would they do the same for you?”
*
G 😻> If you die, then I’m going with you
Pandas 🐼 > You’re not being fair. What about Clay? He loses us both?
G 😻> Come home. Everything will be explained if you just come home…
G 😻> Pandas, please
Pandas 🐼 > I’ll be home for christmas.
Pandas 🐼 > No sooner.
Depression is weird. Sapnap was there, present, in the room of Karl’s house, but he wasn’t there. He stopped talking to his friends and didn’t even use social media. It was a total absence. For Sapnap, episodes like this were rare but they usually spanned over a few days, but this was different. This was darkness and silence and a wish for death, above all else. Days progressed into weeks and weeks felt like eternity. He spent most days just staring at the ceiling with the lights turned off as he felt his lungs getting restricted by the vines and heleniums. He couldn’t even breathe right anymore. Each breath was another stabbed thorn. He was doing that routine again - the one started by this curse - of sitting with his empty head and filled chest, when he noticed someone knocking on the door. He decided to ignore it. He couldn’t fathom Karl right now. He could hardly eat, how could he beg to live in Karl’s arms again?
What a sight for sore eyes
“Sap, it’s time for you to go home. It’s time for Christmas, please come out.” Karl muttered on the other side of the door.
Sapnap looked at his suitcase and peeled himself off the bed, grabbing it and meeting Karl at the door. “Ok.”
Karl hugged him once they went to the door to the outside, “If your plan fails… get the surgery.”
“I can’t.”
Karl just nodded, “You are worth the world, Nicholas. But the world is not worth you. Remember that.”
“You act like this is a goodbye.” Sapnap frowned. “Like we will never see eachother again.”
Karl just hugged him tighter, “You’re beyond the world, Nick. You’re-”
Brighter than the blue sky
Sapnap nodded and got into the uber, wordlessly. He refused to say goodbye to Karl. He refused for it to be the end, because he hadn’t even begun and this couldn’t be all life offered him. The only thing Karl was left with was a helenium with half its pedals. And Sapnap deemed that enough of a goodbye.
Because if he really was going to die, it would be at the hands of those he loved painfully. Not the one he loved with the shredded pieces of his heart.
She's got you mesmerized while I die
*
Sapnap was greeted at the door by a hug from Dream and a kiss on the head, “What happened? Why did you leave?”
“I’m sorry..” Sapnap muttered before stepping aside to cough flowers into his hand, letting them fall gently on the ground. “I had to.”
Why would you ever kiss me?
“Pandas… why did a flower just come from your mouth?” Dream’s eyes filled with tears and Sapnap wished he could still cry. He wished the tears would find his eyes. He was tired of the tears being replaced with pains behind his delicate eyes.
But he also wished Dream’s soft forest eyes didn’t fill with tears. He wished he didn’t bring pain to the man he loved.
I'm not even half as pretty
“He has hanahaki.” George said, behind the two of them. He picked up one of the flowers and observed the fact it only had half the pedals.
“You knew?” Dream asked, turning to face George with betrayal painting his face.
You gave her your sweater, it's just polyester
“Of course I knew. And it seems like I was right to confess. It’s only half a flower.” George showed the flower and Sapnap tried to grab it weakly but George didn’t let him.
“You knew and you didn’t tell me?!” Dream asked George angrily and Sapnap flinched at the anger.
“It wasn’t my place to share who Pandas loves or not. And it seems like you’re the one causing these flowers now.”
But you like her better
Dream turned to face Sapnap, “You love us?”
“N-no.” Sapnap said and coughed more flowers. It was hard to lie when his curse told all the truths needed to be told. Dream just stared at him with hurt in his eyes.
I wish I were Heather
Sapnap had that sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach that only formed with saying something he regrets. Though, did he regret his feelings? No. He knew how he felt. He knew what he felt was true. He just regretted the potential of being shot down for his feelings.
I wish I were Heather
Sapnap tried to take a big breath in to soothe himself, until he realized that he couldn’t. Shit . He clawed at his throat, panic racking his body. It took George and Dream a second to realize what was happening.
Wish I were Heather
And then Sapnap was staring at the floor, having fallen.
Why would you ever kiss me?
“Sapnap, no, please! Fuck-, no, please, don’t die! What should I do? What do I fucking do? George! George!?” he yelled. He reached for his phone to call 911, but he knew it was potentially too late. And did he even call 911 in this situation? Could anyone even help? His eyes were already glazed over, and limbs limp. George shook Sapnap to get him to try and wake up.
I'm not even half as pretty
“You have to confess, idiot.” George said, softly, before turning his attention back to Sapnap. “Pandas, you have to get up.”
You gave her your sweater, it's just polyester
Dream crouched down, “Nick, please. I love you too. I love you so much, so you need to get up and heal. You need to get up and we can be happy- we can be together.”
But you like her better
Blood and flower petals fell gracefully from Sapnap’s lips as George kept his hand on his neck to feel his pulse. Dream and George were both crying and begging him to get up.
And suddenly Sapnap-
Wish I were