Chapter Text
"Did you hear about what happened to Drew Barrymore the other day?" Ned casually brought up as he crunched aluminum foil around a few strands of Peter's hair.
Peter was relieved that there was now a buffer between the nauseating scent of bleach cream and the open air.
"The girl who played on E.T.?"
"Yeah. She has this talk show now, I think. And some crazy stalker rushed her on stage. He apparently had been documenting his search for her all over New York on Twitter."
"Oh my god??"
"He even found where she lived. I'm telling you, I'm so glad I'm not a celebrity. The stuff they deal with is insane. You ever get anything like that? As Spidey?"
Peter put a finger to his chin and thought for a moment. He moved over from the chair in front of his desk so he could sit on the bed instead.
(He would later be lectured by Tony to stop dyeing his hair in his room instead of the bathroom like a normal person.)
"I don't think so. I get slandered by lots of news outlets, but nothing like stalking or obsessive crushes from fangirls." Peter eventually said. Although he didn't know if this was one hundred percent true or not.
Tony had put so many 'Baby Monitor' protocols on Peter's devices that he wasn't even able to watch an R rated movie without Tony approving a virtual request. He could have easily filtered out any weirdos' statements about Spider-Man so Peter wouldn't have to see it.
"I guess it's a little different for superheroes. Like, what idiot is going to try to sneak into the Black Widow's room and take a nap on her bed? They know she could kill them without even blinking."
"Jesus Christ... Has that happened to a celebrity before?"
"Yep. Taylor Swift, I think the guy took a shower at her place too."
"Now do you get why I want to keep a secret identity? I don't want anything like that happening to the people I care about."
"Or yourself, right?" Ned sat down beside Peter on the mattress. He gave Peter a serious look, "It's not just us you need to be safe for. You need to be safe for yourself."
"Relax, dude. I'm Spider-Man! No one is going to try anything unless they're a villain." Peter said with a way too confident grin. Ned felt something akin to foreshadowing.
And that isn't even an emotion.
"You act so capable of doing stuff but you literally can't bleach your hair without burning it off."
"That was one time."
"Still, you need your guy in the chair. C'mon, admit it."
"After you successfully bleach and touch up my hair, we'll talk. Until then..." Peter made a zipping motion over his lips to mimic locking them closed. Ned laughed and playfully nudged Peter.
To anyone that didn't know Peter and Ned, the next scene probably would have looked less than platonic.
The bleach had been rinsed out in the bathroom connected to Peter's room. Back in the chair in front of the desk, Ned was now gently massaging the lavender dye into the tips of Peter's curls. One of Ned's arms were hanging loosely over Peter's shoulder, his gloved hand moving dramatically as he spoke about an upcoming film. The way they were so naturally close to each other would make a lot of people assume things about their dynamic.
Of course, Steve had chosen that moment to walk past Peter's open door. He raised an eyebrow but said nothing, although suspicions were racing through his mind.
Suspicions that in reality meant absolutely nothing.
But Steve was from the 1940's.
He didn't exactly know that platonic cuddling between two bros was socially acceptable now. He wasn't a homophobe, obviously. He just didn't understand that guys could cuddle platonically. He still struggled with breaking down societal standards with masculinity as a whole.
(It took Sam dumping a bucket of cold water on his head to convince Steve that getting therapy didn't make him 'less of a man'. But that's another story for another time.)
Still, he tried to keep his suspicions quiet for as long as he could.
Well.
He tried.
He really tried.
Because one day while Wanda was painting Peter's nails a sparkly pastel lavender to match the tips of his hair, he overheard Peter say something about taking MJ to prom.
Steve choked on his evening herbal tea.
"MJ, but, she's a girl." Steve stammered, still choking on tea, "And Ned! Ned is such a sweet boy-- you can't! What happened? Did you break up? Is this, what's the term, a roly poly thing?"
"Polyamorous?" Clint shouted from the kitchen, sounding incredibly amused by Steve's confusion.
"Yes! That!" Steve snapped his fingers and looked at Peter earnestly, "Is that's what's happening? Or is this a fake relationship to hide the fact you and Ned are a thing, because I want you to know you don't have to hide your sexuality from us."
"It's great to know you won't judge me for being... Straight? Which is the sexuality with the most acceptance and privilege?" Peter bit back laughter. Meanwhile Wanda had to stop painting his pinky as she fought incoming giggles.
"But. Ned, purple hair, Peter you have a skincare regimen."
"Mr. Rogers, that's just good hygiene..."
"It's gay!"
"I think he's having an aneurysm. The same thing happens to me when I remember straight people exist." Wanda whispered to Peter and the two quickly started giggling.
"So you're not gay? What's the other one? Bi? Are you bi?"
Natasha from the loveseat, who was sharpening her throwing knives, stopped what she was doing and facepalmed. Even she was getting second hand embarrassment.
"I'm straight." Peter said. Again.
"Sorry Pete, it's just you and Ned. You guys don't act like 'just friends' if you get what I'm saying."
"I do. People always assume we're dating, which is fine. I don't care about that, honestly if they think I could catch a guy like him, it boosts my confidence." Peter said genuinely with a smile.
Peter then sighed, looking somewhat exhausted as another thought came to his mind.
"It's after I correct them it's a problem. It's annoying when people try to debate my identity with me, you know? To have everyone try to choose my sexuality for me based on their ideas of what a straight or queer guy looks like."
"I can see how that can get annoying." Steve nodded slowly. He should have known better than to assume. Bucky was bisexual and he was always being told "But you're too masculine to like men!"
Same with Wanda, except instead of masculine she was told she was too feminine to like men and women.
Yikes. Societal standards sucked.
And Steve had fallen right into that trap of assuming based on them.
"I should have listened to you the first time you told me you were straight. I'm sorry."
"It's all good." Peter said with a smile and waved off any concerns Steve had of offending him. Peter had experienced much worse at school, plus Steve only meant it with good intentions.
"Crap. I have to get going, I'm going to be late to my job." Peter shot up from his spot on the couch, flapping his hands aggressively to speed up his nails drying.
"You wouldn't have to worry about a job if you just accepted Tony's allowance." Natasha reminded him.
"That feels too easy. I need to learn to be independent." Peter said, leaving before the others could argue that he was already plenty independent and capable. That he was literally still a child and didn't need to be independent.
Once he left, Steve thought the prior conversation would be long forgotten. But Clint came out of the kitchen with a sandwich in hand. He gave Natasha this look that she seemed to get immediately.
"Stark still has his social media monitored. Don't worry." Natasha said firmly. Clint looked more at ease.
"Good. I don't think he'd handle it well."
"Just to be clear, I don't think it's right withholding information from the boy." Wanda said as she started packing up her nail polish.
"He's sixteen. He doesn't need to see what his 'stans' and 'antis' are prattling on about while Tik Tok dancing." Clint replied. Although the last half of his sentence got muffled as he began inhaling his sandwich. One day that man was going to go out death by lunch.
"What are you all prattling about?" Steve asked. He was getting to old for this. What on earth was a 'stan'?
"Someone fill the old man in." Clint said while chewing food. Disgusting.
"I think he'll have another aneurism." Wanda said.
"If you ignore my previous display of emotion, I'm quite capable of learning about new things."
"It took us two weeks to explain to you what I-D-K meant." Wanda countered.
"You all said 'I don't know' when I asked what it meant. I thought you genuinely didn't know but were still using it anyways!"
"Let's show him. He probably won't even understand it." Clint, thank the universe, had finished his sandwich and was still breathing to tell the tale.
"I'm pretty sure thirst trap edits and death threats are understandable even if you were frozen in an ice cube for a bit."
"I'm sorry, what." Steve wasn't sure what the first thing Wanda said was, but he knew the second. People were giving Peter death threats?!
"Here," Natasha got up and handed Steve her phone with an exasperated sigh, "Don't kill anyone."
Steve looked at her phone.
Oh.
It was just Twitter. Steve knew what Twitter was. This can't be that bad--
Holy shit.
Steve was going to kill someone.
What Steve was contemplating murder about only got worse as the weeks went on.
"I've been getting these weird replies on my Spidey account posts lately." Peter told MJ and Ned as he sat down at their usual lunch table, "They're telling me to address the rumors. But I don't even know what rumors they're talking about."
"Have you tried looking it up?" MJ asked while she absentmindedly flipped a page of her book.
"Yeah, that's the weird thing. I've tried every Internet browser, all the apps, all the key words. I can't find a single thing. And the replies I'm getting mysteriously get deleted a few minutes after I see them."
"Maybe they get second hand embarrassment for themselves after commenting on a celebrities post. I do that all the time." Ned replied.
"Yeah but your comments are about how much you love the artist's music. These comments are about Spider-Man not being truthful."
"I mean, you are a masked vigilante. Not exactly the epitome of truthful."
"Yeah but MJ, I'm used to that kind of criticism. This feels different. Heated, almost. Angry."
"Let me check," Ned went onto his phone and clicked his tongue, "I got nothing. Maybe it's an inside joke? Or a trend? See who confuses Spider-Man enough to make him snap?"
"Could be aliens. It could always be aliens." Peter said seriously.
"Good point. Aliens trying to cause scandals and rumors? They want us to destroy each other so it's easier for them to invade us!"
"Social media is the best place to start. We'll eat each other alive."
"Or. The more sensible option." MJ pushed her phone into the middle of the table for the others to see, "Tony put safety protocols on both of your phones. I can see what's happening just fine."
"Damn. That does make more sense than the alien theory." Ned sounded almost sad about this fact.
"Duh. You dork."
"Wait, guys. According to this, I'm becoming a controversy? Because I 'act gay but won't confirm or deny it'. Do people ever learn? This is like the Kit Connor situation--" Peter squinted his eyes as he scrolled through the posts under the Spider-Man hashtag, "And uh. A bunch of people are drawing-- oh god I'm going to throw up."
MJ grabbed her phone back, her face still deadpan.
"This isn't even accurate, the proportions are all off. But art critique aside, these accounts are run by adults. This is basically CP."
"It's okay. They don't know I'm a minor." Peter said, trying to give these people the benefit of the doubt. Even though the idea of being sexualized like this by complete strangers made him feel sick.
"Peter. Hate to break it to you, but adults don't say yeet as they backflip off of a burning building. You're obviously a teenager." MJ reminded him. She put her left hand over his and squeezed it tightly. Despite her usual apathy, there was a glint of rage and concern swirling together in her eyes.
"I'm suddenly very glad Tony hacked into my social media. If I saw posts like those about my best friend, I would have lost it on them and probably revealed your identity by accident." Ned shuddered. He wasn't even reaching for MJ's phone, because there were even worse posts and Ned didn't feel like bleaching his eyes out tonight.
"Wait, why wasn't yours hacked?" Peter asked MJ.
"Tony fears me too much to mess with my accounts." MJ shrugged. And that was that.
Peter and Ned spent the last bit of their lunch period hacking the protocols Tony put on Peter's account. Ned kept the protocols in place. He didn't want to see a millennial soccer mom writing longingly about the things they wanted to do with his best friend. Gross.
Peter, as disgusted as he was, knew that he needed to see what was happening.
"There are literal threads of people debating my sexuality because of my humor. It's the twenty-first century, let men be sassy!"
"I second that." MJ said and continued scrolling and paused, "Oh this lady's mad."
"What's she saying?" Ned asked, still sat safely across the table so he wouldn't accidentally see any fanart of a certain genre.
"That the Avengers only invited Spider-Man to their team so they would have queer representation for the wokes. What's with these weirdos acting like queer people existing is inherently political?"
"Even if I was queer, it's funny they think I'm the first queer superhero on this team."
"This man says Spider-Man is destroying masculinity. Thoughts?" MJ held up the hand she wasn't using to hold her phone up like she was holding a microphone.
"Oh nooo, I'm being feminine as a man, oh nooooo. I'm ruining society as we know it! Thanos has nothing on me!" Peter said dramatically into the pretend microphone.
"This is so ridiculous. The Internet is so ridiculous," Ned ran a hand over his face, "Can't we expose these pedos and get their shit taken down?"
"That would require revealing Peter's secret identity. Because as long as he's masked, these people can feign innocence and claim that they assume he is over eighteen."
"And I don't think my age being known would stop it. Remember the Kit Connor thing?"
"Are you talking about his outing or the thirst trap thing?"
"Both, I guess." Peter looked dead exhausted, "He had only just turned eighteen and everyone used that as an excuse to spread photos of him shirtless all over the Internet, even though he said he wasn't comfortable with it."
"Don't forget the weirdos who were literally counting down the months until Emma Watson was of age. Old men were drooling over her while she was a kid." MJ's stoic face quirked into silent rage once again.
"People won't care about what Spider-Man is comfortable with. They see him as some weird, separate entity that can't see a thing they're doing." Peter mumbled in defeat.
"Technically, until just a few minutes ago, you couldn't see what they were doing. It couldn't hurt to give a statement." Ned said with a shrug.
"That could go one of two ways. It could actually cause something to happen, or it would get you called bitchy by news publications for not appreciating support from your fans." MJ pointed out.
"This isn't support. This is scary." Peter trailed off as he paused on a post. His spidey sense was going wild. Ned raised an eyebrow and scooted over beside him. MJ even tilted her head to start reading whatever got Peter so shaken.
Spideys_PookieBear
@mrsspiderbabe
SPIDEY, HE'S SO SO SO HOT. You guys wish that you could see him out of the spandex. I do. Every night baby.
"Sorry girly, you aren't the one seeing him." MJ chuckled. Ned made a fake gagging noise to tease her while Peter's face went red.
"There's something really weird about this post. She's talking as if she actually knows Spider-Man." Peter's spidey sense began to buzz in the back of his neck as he clicked onto the girl's username to see her full profile.
"Um, ACAB, obviously, but someone call the police???" Ned said, horrified.
Spideys_PookieBear
@mrsspiderbabe
Spidey took me out on a cute little dinner date for our one year anniversary! On the Statue of Liberty no less! I love my boyfriend<3
Spideys_PookieBear
@mrsspiderbabe
Why the HELL are people accusing my babe of being gay??? He isn't GAY he is dating ME and I don't appreciate these lies!! They're causing unnecessary conflict in our relationship! STOP IT.
Spideys_PookieBear
@mrsspiderbabe
My love, please, come back. I'm sorry! I'll find you Spider-Man, I'll make you love me again.
Spideys_PookieBear
@mrsspiderbabe
I'll get you back.
*Image description: A photo of a plane ticket to New York, New York.*
"Ned. Remember how you mentioned Drew Barrymore having a stalker last week? And how I said that would never happen to me?"
"Yeah?"
"I think we manifested this mess."
"Oh shit we totally did."