Work Text:
Kazuma Kuwabara has never had sex.
It's not like the opportunity has never presented itself now that Urameshi is back, it's just that whenever it comes up he...uh fails to rise to the occasion. It's embarrassing and frustrating and the first time it happened he thought it must be nerves cause a lapful of half naked Urameshi kissing him breathless and trying to suck his soul out of his mouth with tongue should be enough to get uh anyone interested, but Kuwabara's dick clearly didn't seem to register and Urameshi sighed and rolled off and they played video games instead.
They say it's normal to be nervous your first time, so Kuwabara chalks it up as nerves and buries it with his other embarrassing memories that involve Urameshi, though most of them revolve around him getting his ass beat rather than make out sessions.
Then it happens a second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth and seventh time and Kuwabara realize that it isn't a matter of singular occurrences, it's every single time they try to do more than swap spit.
It's not that he doesn't like Urameshi, he loves the guy like crazy, he's his best friend and he is actually kind of really pretty and Kuwabara's loved him since he was twelve and Urameshi punched his face in. So it's not that he isn't in love, or that he doesn't find Yusuke attractive, or even that he doesn't like guys. He's the problem, something's wrong with him.
Because Urameshi definitely wants him, Kuwabara can feel him sometimes, hard against his thigh and he can definitely see the bulge in his jeans when they've been kissing for a while. He never says anything but he doesn't have to, Kuwabara knows that patience isn't infinite that Urameshi will get fed up with him eventually and he needs to man up and take responsibility, but first he has to figure out what the hell is wrong with him.
He tells Yukina. He doesn't really want to talk about this with anybody, but she can always tell when something's bothering him and he couldn't keep it a secret from her anyways. So he tells Yukina because he trust her and because somehow she always knows what to say. He's not sure how to feel, talking to her about his sex life, or his lack thereof, but she nods with understanding and he remembers that she spends an awful lot of time with his sister.
"I don't know," he says, "I don't know what's wrong with me."
"I don't think there's anything wrong with you Kazuma." She tells him, ever the considerate girlfriend.
"Well he's going to get sick of this eventually. I need to-to stop panicking and relax and-and-" he doesn't know what to do, he just doesn't want to lose Urameshi.
"Kazuma," she says firmly and her voice is like ice and it brings him back from the edge of panic. "Do you want to be like that with him?"
"No," he admits and it hurts because everyone wants Urameshi, except apparently his boyfriend.
"Do you want to be like that with me?" She asks him calmly.
Her question takes him by surprise and he stutters stupidly for a bit. He's never really thought about doing anything like that with Yukina and he realizes that he should, cause she's his girlfriend, cause they've been dating for years, but he hasn't because...well because he doesn't want that. He wants to take her shopping and hold her hand and kiss her all day even though her blood runs cold and it makes him shiver and he wants to let her paint his nails and listen to her read all the same fairy tales because they're her favourites and he could listen to her speak for hours and he wants to see her smile and he doesn't want to do anything but hold her.
"No," and this time it sounds more confident, less shameful, but she's Yukina and she is special.
"Do you want to be like that with anybody?" Her voice doesn't waver when she asks and Kuwabara marvels at how calm she can be.
When he thinks back, he's never really thought about that kind of thing, sure he'd join in when the guys were talking 'bout girls and their short skirts and breasts and soft thighs and he realizes that all that stuff has never really done it for him. Sure he jerks off sometimes, but not very often and it's always been more of a chore than anything else. Call him old fashioned, but Kuwabara is a romantic, doesn't make a habit of fantasizing about strangers, hasn't actually fantasized about anything more explicit than a kiss.
He shakes his head. "No, not at all," he confesses. He's not sure what she's trying to get at.
"Well, I think that maybe you just don't want that at all."
"B-but that's...there's no way that's okay! I'm a freak!" He cries because there's something broken inside him.
"Would you call me a freak?" She asks, taking his hand and it's cold but he doesn't mind because her skin always feels soothing to him.
"What? No!"
"But I'm a demon, an ice maiden, it's rumoured that we have a chunk of ice where our hearts should be. I've hurt people, and I've hated humans, and my only brother won't let me call him that much to his face and I'm in love with a brave human boy and he makes me happier than I've ever been. I'm a freak."
"You're not," he says, his voice rough with emotion. "You're Yukina and you're strong and and beautiful and humans have done horrible awful things to you but you still forgave them and you love your brother and you love me. You have the biggest kindest heart I've ever seen and you're you and you're perfect."
She's still holding his hand, it feels warm. She smiles, her perfect smile, the one that makes his knees turn to jelly, the one that was made to grace her face and makes her light up like the sun.
"The things that make you happy, that make you you don't make you a freak."
"Yeah, but-" and he wants to tell her that she's wrong, that it's different, but she boldly cuts him off.
"Kazuma, we don't want because we should, we want because we're selfish, but you, you give and give and give till you've got nothing and you keep on giving. Please don't give yourself away, we love you and we won't take what you can't give."
"Yukina..." He says because he doesn't know what else to say, because she always takes his breath away.
"You should talk to Yusuke," she tells him and his shoulders slump at the thought.
"Yeah," and he can't help the way the admission carries nothing but defeat.
"It will be alright."
He can almost believe her.
She squeezes his hand, he squeezes back.
Kuwabara's never felt more uncomfortable in his own skin. He's been staring at the same page of his text book for half an hour, reading the words over and over, but retaining nothing, Urameshi is just sitting on his bed watching TV.
There's a knot in his stomach, a pit of dread that keeps growing as the seconds tick by and he's sweating, grips his textbook extra hard to stop his hands from trembling and clears his throat.
"L-Look Urameshi we need to talk," his voice hardly breaks, but his bones feel like crushed glass and he's fragile, vulnerable in all these ways he hates.
Yusuke mutes the TV and looks at him, eyes narrowed, like he's bracing himself for a fight.
"I-I don't wanna have sex with you," he blurts.
Urameshi's brows furrow, the way they do when he's trying to figure out a complicated attack pattern.
"I don't really wanna have sex with anyone at all," he adds nervously.
The expression on Urameshi's face can only be described as relief. He grins, all wide and self satisfied and throws his head back with a laugh.
"Good," he smirks, which is the last thing Kuwabara expected him to say and it leaves him speechless. "I was starting to worry that you wanted to break up."
"No!" He shouts because he's never wanted anything less.
"Good, cause, you know, that would have really sucked." He muses.
"B-but aren't you going to break up with me?" He asks because this isn't following the script in his head at all.
"Why? Do you want me to?"
"No!"
"Well good cause neither do I." Urameshi sniffs.
"Aren't you...don't you...I mean what about..." And he makes a vague hand gesture that encompasses everything and nothing.
"If you're not up for it, then neither am I," Urameshi scoots off the bed and plops into his lap, wrapping his arms around Kuwabara's neck in a hug. "I'm not some heartless insatiable sex fiend, you know. I'm not gonna drop you like a dirty sock cause you don't wanna suck my dick."
And Kuwabara makes a funny choking noise at the mere mention of his mouth anywhere near Urameshi's junk, but wraps his arms around Urameshi's waist regardless.
"I love you, you punk," he mumbles into Yusuke's hair.
"Yeah, I love you too, ya big lug."
Urameshi laughs and leans into his embrace.
They hold each other for a long time, hours maybe and Kuwabara kisses him goodnight and Yusuke kisses back and when he goes to bed, Yusuke sprawled next to him and hogging all the blankets, it feels like coming home.