Chapter Text
Izuku opened the door to his apartment. He still felt numb from what All Might said. From what Bakugou said. Bakugou who was a bully but nothing more. Bakugou who didn’t hate him for his quirk. At least that’s what he thought. But Bakugou had told him to take a swan dive off a roof and pray for a quirk in his next life.
You’re an idiot. Izuku thought as he walked up the stairs to his room. Bakugou never liked you, he bullied you for heaven’s sake. But the other part of his mind, the one that wanted to stay hopeful would always say; but he had never said anything regarding your quirkless status until today, besides he looked like he had eaten a lemon when he said it. Yeah, because he hated even thinking about me. A weight on his back slipped off, his mind reeling - grasping for an indication of something, anything, to prove absolutely nothing to him, there was nothing left, or if there was, he couldn't think of it.
How pathetic was that?
Izuku shook his head as if trying to forcefully get rid of the thoughts circling around his head. He stared up at the harsh light reflecting off the bathroom's ceiling and dimly noticed the feeling of water hitting his head and back, matting his hair down in the process. He was in the shower – and when did that happen, he didn’t think he had moved from the door. Izuku feels like he’s a ghost; watching as his body moves on its own toward the drawn bath, but not feeling attached to it at all. A part of his brain screams at him, telling him something’s wrong, but Izuku doesn’t register it, he’s far too lost in his thoughts.
Bakugou never cared about you, he just never specifically targeted your quirk to make it hurt more when he eventually did. This part of his brain would just repeat on loop – there was no stopping it. Maybe everyone’s right, Izuku thought. You’re just a useless, quirkless, stupid Deku.
A swan dive off the roof, Izuku thinks. It repeats like a broken record in his mind. He felt something rush over him, it's physical and makes Izuku’s vision go blurry.
Bakugou will forgive me for diving into water instead, right?
Izuku is sinking.
He can't float, he’s not a swan, he could never be as graceful as one of them, never as pure.
Didn't swans kill their young when injured so they wouldn't suffer?
There’s a heavy weight in his lungs and he thinks he hears his name being called. Thinks he hears the bathroom door open. The voice calling for him sounds like his mother, but that would be absurd, she's not due to be home yet.
Although, it’d be nice, Izuku thinks, that someone actually would care when he died. Not even a single person would care, right?
No- that's not, I don't want thi-
It's too late to change his mind now, the dots that had begun to creep into his vision rapidly multiplied, if there is someone there, it's probably too late. He has to be dreaming, he has to, he doesn't, he doesn't want his mother to see this, to see him like this.
But then, who else would have found him if not his mother.
How stupid of him.
Was this what freedom was?
Was this what he wanted?
No-!
Bakugou’s tongue tasted sour. Not because of the fucker trying to shove itself down his throat – No. Because of what he had said to Midoriya. He just couldn’t fucking believe it. With the shitty extras jeering him on and his racing thoughts it wasn’t surprising what he had said, it just wasn’t what he wanted to say. He wanted to go back and tell Midoriya what he actually wanted to say, what he actually thought. He wanted to tell Midoriya that he was better than all the shitty extras, that he was better than them for not listening to their pointless jeers, unlike him. He wanted to tell Midoriya that he never meant for things to go this far, he only wanted to be liked, who didn't? He always got caught up in the moment and his body always did the opposite of what he wanted, surely, he didn't want this?
Sparks flew off his hands in his anger, was he fighting for his life or his autonomy?
What Bakugou wanted to tell him was that he hated him and admired him at the same time. Why? How could he not care? Bakugou knew, he knew that years of insults did things to a person. It either thickened their skin, or made them slowly dissolve until even the person didn't recognize themselves. Somehow, that had happened to him, he didn't recognize himself, he wasn't even the person being taunted, but that threat was always there.
Despite the thing trying to crawl into his body, he could hear them. Hear the people who expected him to break free of this on his own. Alone. How was he supposed to do that?
He admired Midoriya for being his own person. He envied him in the same breaths, because he wanted to have no one put expectation on him like that, well, not like that.
He didn't want to be used anymore.
The voices swell and rise, maybe, maybe if he stopped fighting they’d stop, maybe-
Maybe they already had? He couldn't hear anymore, his ears were ringing.
But instead, instead of voicing any of this- instead, he told him to jump off the fucking roof. ‘Take a swan dive off the roof and pray for a quirk in your next life.’ Who the fuck says that kind of thing?! Him apparently, because he told Midoriya to jump. He saw the light dim from Midoriya’s eyes when he said that, and he knew why. Bakugou was the only person to not bully him for his quirk. He still bullied him of course, there was no denying what he did, not anymore, but it wasn’t about his quirk. Until now.
‘Why, why did I say that?’
Bakugou knew the answer, it was part of the reason why he was sitting in the back of an ambulance, tired, wet, and suffering from quirk exhaustion. He couldn’t help but think that if Midoriya were there, that he would’ve been able to find a way to beat the slime villain. He knew Midoriya would’ve been able to, he’d seen those damned books of his.
Books he would never see again. Books whose owners smile he would never see again. He would never hear the voice of that person again. And he had only himself to blame.
Because Bakugou had killed him. If not literally, then metaphorically, Midoriya would never be the same.
And that hurt more than anything else.