Archive of Our Own

“Xiao, don’t forget your ugly emo plain ass backpack!”

“You’re insufferable.”

“Don’t be mean to your sister, Xiao!”

“Shut up! You’re not my dad!”

“I technically adopted you.”

“You’re insufferable.”

“Xiao, you must not treat Tartaglia in such a manner. Apologize.”

“No.”

“Emo.”

“Hu Tao, leave your brother alone.”

“You let Ganyu tease him!”

“Ganyu, you tease Xiao?”

“Hu Tao… I forgot the word… Yes, Qiqi remembers now… you’re a snitch.”

“Qiqi, be quiet. I’m no snitch.”

“You’re a stupid ass snitch, bitch.”

“XIAO! LANGUAGE!”

“I hate having sisters.”

“You could sell them on the black market.”

“Don’t encourage him, Hu Tao! And you’re included in the sisters category.”

“C’mon Ginger Dad, it’s just a joke.”

Zhongli rubbed his temples from the passenger seat of their car. He just gave up trying to parent his children a second ago, opting instead to let his husband, Childe, handle the chaotic mess of insanely strange people.

They were going on a road trip around Teyvat. Zhongli was now starting to regret actually considering Childe’s idea, but it’s too late now, with all their backpacks and useless things piled up in the trunk.

Their daughters, Hu Tao, Ganyu, and Qiqi, were all pretty chill about the vacation. Their sole son, Xiao, definitely wasn’t. Like the emo he was, he basically refused to take off his headphones, chose a spot in the back of the car, and planned to stay inside the whole time. Tartaglia had to pull him out of bed physically to get him to leave the house.

The plan was to first drive their 8-seater van deeper into Liyue Harbor and pick up Ganyu’s girlfriend, Keqing. She’d been a long-time member of the family ever since the girls started dating three years ago, and she was treated just like one of their daughters.

Afterwards, they’d head to Mondstadt, where Xiao had attended a boarding school for troubled teens for two years of High School. He has always been oddly quiet about that time. Zhongli assumes he is just quiet like that, but Tartaglia theorizes that he either got bullied, or fell in love.

Next, they were going to Fontaine. It was kind of a weird way to travel through the countries, but the main highways formed a giant U from Liyue to Fontaine, with many attractions along the way. After, it was to Childe’s homeland, Snheznayahahe or whatever, and then to the secretive Natlan with no in-game info provided, and finally to Sumeru.

Because Inazuma wasn’t on the main continent, they opted to skip it. Ferries are expensive.

“I thought I got the middle seat of the middle row!” Hu Tao suddenly blasted from behind the migraine-suffering Zhongli.

“No, you get the back with Xiao,” Ganyu calmly and tiredly informed. “I’m in the middle with Keqing and Qiqi.”

Apparently they had played a game of Uno to decide the seating for the trip last night.

“I think we should stick Qiqi in the trunk, and I sit in between the lesbians,” Hu Tao suggested. “Xiao’s going to murder me with his kazoo at night.”

“I don’t play kazoo!” Xiao barked from the back row.

“No, we agreed on seating earlier,” Ganyu insisted.

“Hu Tao, listen to your sister,” Zhongli turned and pointedly glared at his trouble child.

“Fine,” Hu Tao huffed.

Most of the children respected Zhongli enough to follow his orders, especially after an incident where Zhongli had to use his Wrath of the Rock to punish the little rodents when they nearly burned the house down in their toddler years, before Childe was around.

It was because Tartaglia joined the family later that Xiao and Hu Tao both barely respected his orders. Ganyu was responsible and mature enough to listen, and Qiqi joined after Childe, so he was as much a dad to her as Zhongli.

Zhongli could not imagine the exhaustion Childe must have had to face whenever he tried to order Xiao and Hu Tao around. They blatantly deny his words.

“We leave in five minutes,” Childe announced as he stepped into the driver’s seat.

“Nope, we need another hour. I think Xiao forgot his twelve bottles of hair product,” Hu Tao said.

“I will strangle you,” Xiao said without any humor.

“Only if you can catch me,” Hu Tao grinned, suddenly climbing over the back seat and rolling into the one in front.

She crashes right into Qiqi, who was just getting into the car.

“Oh no,” Qiqi muttered cutely, then shrugged and hopped in the car.

“Hu Tao, sit down and buckle in,” Zhongli said.

“Okay,” Hu Tao sighed from the floor.

“Leaving now!” The ginger dad shouted.

“You said we had five minutes?!” Ganyu blinked, quickly reaching over her youngest sibling to slam the sliding door shut just as the van took off.

They rode down the road for a long while until pulling to a stop in front of a fancy house in the middle of town, where the richest lived. Zhongli working as the 76th director of the Wangsheng Funeral Parlor and Childe being a diplomat for Snezhnaya, the two made a fair amount of Mora. However, they decided to stay in Zhongli’s original home which he bought when he had a lot less money because houses only grew more expensive every year.

“I’ll get her,” Ganyu slid the door open.

Silence in the car, until Ganyu came out of Keqing’s house holding her girlfriend’s bags and hand.

Keqing waved goodbye to her mom Ningguang, and her brother, Kazuha, then turned to leave.

Keqing was adopted by the Beiguang family recently, after her parents decided they couldn’t deal with her coffee addiction and sarcastic attitude. The family already had Kazuha, their son who they adopted as a week-old baby, but Keqing quickly grew attached to her older brother after the two years she spent with the family.

Anyway, Keqing threw her bags in the back, and joined Ganyu and Qiqi in the front row.

“Onwards, Mr. Morax,” Keqing smiled.

“Alright,” Childe responded, shifting gears and taking off.

Thus the chaotic Morax family set off. The montage begins. Images of Xiao grumbling and sleeping in the shady back corner flit over the screen, showing comedic glimpses of Hu Tao tickling him with a pencil.

Then comes a cute photo of Ganqing asleep on each other, Ganyu’s face pressed on the window. Qiqi only gets one image from the montage: it’s her sitting perfectly upright emotionlessly, because comedic relief is needed in this depressing film. Finally, the montage ends with Childe smiling fondly at Zhongli sleeping in the passenger seat, and then it fades out to the sunset.

End scene 1.

As the car reaches the border of Mondstadt, Childe gently called his husband awake. Zhongli blinked his eyes open to see that the landscape had changed since he’d fallen asleep. The tall, rocky mountains had shifted to rolling hills bright green with trees and grass, just like he’d remembered from his own childhood vacations.

“Wake up, children,” Zhongli said gently, smiling to his adopted offsprings.

Everyone slowly woke up. Xiao grumbled as he read on his iPhone 14 that it was just past midnight. He’d been the only one besides Childe who was awake. He’d taken his nap earlier, and spent the entire rest of the time texting a mystery person on his phone.

“Tart, pull over so we can get a picture at the border sign,” Zhongli suggested.

Childe nodded with a smile, pulling to the side right next to the welcoming sign decorated with little wind wisps, apples, and intricate wood carvings. It reflected perfectly the gentle, nostalgic feel that Mondstadt possessed.

The Morax family + honorary member Keqing all stepped out towards the sign in the darkness of the night.

“Xiao, you’ve got the fancy phone,” Tartaglia said. “You can set up the camera and put a timer on it.”

Xiao glared at his second dad, scowling, and walked away.

“Xiao Alatus Morax,” Zhongli warned, breaking out the full name.

“Fine,” Xiao grumbled.

He set a ten second timer, turned on flash, and leaned the phone against the car’s side mirrors. He pressed the red button, and then jogged over to his family, joining in the photo just as the camera clicked.

The whole family then ran over to look at it.

“Hu Tao, why’d you have to lie across the floor like Barry Bee Benson?” Keqing pointed out. “You ruined the aesthetic.”

“Honorary sister Keqing of the Alcor-Qixing family, kindly shut the hell up,” Hu Tao ordered.

“Hu Tao!” Ganyu hissed while Keqing chuckled.

“Xiao, you look like you died,” Tartaglia mentioned. “And then you took a cold, depressing shower and chain-smoked cigarettes.”

“Please, you’re supposed to be their dad,” Zhongli lifted a hand to Childe’s shoulder.

“It’s okay dad, I understand where he’s coming from,” Xiao rolled his eyes. “Childe has resorted to petty sibling-like insults to get back at me for being superior to him.”

“Qiqi looks more dead than Xiao, anyway,” Ganyu noted.

“Qiqi is… dead,” Qiqi lifted her hands to her heart, looking sincerely at her blue-haired sister.

“Xiao, you’ve infected her innocence!” Hu Tao squeezed the little girl’s head, gaping at her brother.

“Alright, back in the car before someone kills someone,” Zhongli sighed.

“What did I sign up for?” Keqing’s whisper could be heard by all.

“A bloodbath,” Hu Tao responded creepily.

“Just because you want to inherit the funeral parlor does not mean you get to be demented,” Ganyu said, watching Xiao clamber into the back seat. “You have to wait until it’s actually yours.”

“Xiao’s in line, actually,” Hu Tao nodded at her brother.

“Like I’m taking up that depressing shit basket of a job,” Xiao grumbled, texting someone.

“Mine, then!” Hu Tao smiled happily.

“No one’s going to aspire to take up my position?” Childe asked nobody.

“We’re no Snezhnayan. We can’t be diplomats,” Ganyu said.

“You’re actually Snezhnayan citizens by law, even though you’ve never been there and aren’t blood-related to me,” Tartaglia looked through the rearview mirror as the car started up again. “Have you been keeping up your lessons on the language?”

“Dad, I’m not interested,” Ganyu laughed quietly. “I want to join Keqing and work at Ningguang’s place.”

“Maybe Xiao will work in foreign affairs.”

“Never, you ginger cào.”

“Breaking out the Liyuean swears?” Hu Tao gasped. “Cruel.”

“Well, moreso convenient,” Xiao glared at his sister. “Childe doesn’t know Liyuean.”

“What the eбать, you little cволочь,” Childe grumbled.

“Don’t kill him until he’s at least an adult, darling,” Zhongli suggested.

The rest of the trip went smoothly. Most of the kids were asleep by the time the sun rose and Mondstadt’s capital (Also Mondstadt) was nearby. Childe pulled the van over the large cobble bridge into the city, and then drove for about twenty minutes to reach their hotel parking lot.

Mondstadt used to fit perfectly on the island it was built on, but after centuries of population growth, they ended up artificially making a few large islands in the lake, attached by giant bridges to the main city. These islands then had more bridges, which reached the mainland. Windrise was also mostly city.

Anyway, it was about 5 am when they moved into the hotel. Xiao instantly flopped into his bed and kept Instagramming or whatever he was doing, while Hu Tao, Ganyu, Keqing, and Qiqi disappeared into another room. Zhongli and Childe both sat on the edges of their bed, watching their son.

“He got better after that boarding school, but he’s still a total asshole,” Childe whispered to Zhongli. “We should’ve never showed up to pick him up.”

“You know you love him,” Zhongli smiled down at his husband, who was now laying exasperated on his back.

“I do,” Childe closed his eyes. “He’s fun to hang out with, makes surprisingly good dark jokes, and never fails to surprise me with his random hidden talents. But as much as I try to make him like me, he just glares and huffs and calls me names.”

“Don’t give up, he’ll come around someday,” Zhongli whisper-laughed gently, stroking Childe’s hair from where he sat next to him.

“I think it’s because I married you that he hates me,” Childe muttered, eyes blinking open to look up at Zhongli. “I think he’s protective over you. It’s kind of sweet, actually. Hurts, too. I hope I didn’t make your life worse once I joined the family, like he keeps saying I did.”

“You made it perfect,” Zhongli shook his head.

Xiao let out a gentle breath, looking at his hands from where he lay, facing away from his parents on the other bed. His bluetooth headphones had died long ago, and he was just wearing them so nobody tried talking to him. He heard everything.

If only there was a way he could be brave enough to tell Childe that he actually enjoys his company and looks up to him.

—

For the rest of the day, Childe slept in the hotel room while Zhongli took the kids out to explore. Hu Tao bounced around and kept randomly picking up Qiqi until Zhongli just took the little girl and put her on his shoulders. Ganyu and Keqing walked together, wandering off course alone to explore slowly. Xiao walked beside Zhongli quietly.

“Xiao, what’s a spasti?” Hu tao randomly asked while they neared a park.

“It’s the Mondstadtian word for dumbass, why?” Xiao asked.

“Language,” Zhongli instructed.

“I dunno, I just heard someone shout it earlier,” Hu Tao swung her arms by her sides. “Xiao, what’s a curry-wee-errsst?”

“A curry-vurst?” Xiao looked at Hu Tao judgingly.

“Yeah,” Hu Tao rolled her eyes.

“Currywurst; a common street food in Mondstadt,” Xiao explained. “It’s kind of a spicy sausage.”

“I want one!” Hu Tao gasped.

“Wouldn’t recommend it,” Xiao shrugged. “Gave Ven- um, a friend, some major stomach problems one time. Some vendors add strange toppings even locals struggle with, it’s hit or miss with different places.”

“I wanna try it more now,” Hu Tao looked at Zhongli.

Zhongli sighed and gave his daughter ten Mora. She snatched it and ran off.

Zhongli and Xiao continued to walk up towards the cathedral, avoiding the busy streets and crowds of people. Qiqi fell asleep on Zhongli’s shoulders, and Xiao took the moment to speak up.

“Dad…” Xiao muttered.

“Yeah?” Zhongli asked, still looking ahead.

“How can I make it up to Childe?” Xiao asked quietly.

Zhongli stopped walking in the middle of the sidewalk, blinking at Xiao.

“I heard you talking this morning,” Xiao continued. “I want him to like me, I guess. I know I’ve been really harsh on him, and I guess that realizing he wants to be close to me made it feel okay to want to be close to him.”

Zhongli reached up and pretended to wipe a tear from his eye, smiling.

“Stop,” Xiao hissed. “Nevermind.”

“I’m joking,” Zhongli shook his head. “His humor rubbed off on me. I am very proud of you, Xiao, for trying to make amends. He’d love to be your friend, you know. He’s ranted a good few times about how stubborn you are. All I gained from his rants, though, is that you’re both way too stubborn to admit you’re very similar and want the same thing.”

Xiao contemplated that for a second.

“While this is heartwarming,” Zhongli added. “I am curious as to what else prompted you to try friendship. Our conversation alone must not have been enough to break through your heart.”

Xiao looked embarrassed and shrugged, looking at his feet. The truth was, there was a little mysterious person who broke through his rants over text to tell him that making friends with Childe would be better than nothing.

“Nobody prompted anything,” Xiao started walking again.

“Well, then,” Zhongli knew there was more to that, but dropped it. “I presume we should start planning your bonding activity.”

“I’m gonna regret this.”

—

A day later, the family was moving out of the city, packing up their car from the hotel. The children hoisted backpacks and tote bags with them, while Zhongli dragged his tiny suitcase along, and Childe supported four different bags on his arms because his children refused to carry everything and he insisted on one trip to the car.

Once everything was loaded, Zhongli sat in the driver’s seat, and Childe relaxed into the passenger seat. Just as the windows were rolled down and the car was set in motion, a body jumped through the open window.

“WHAT THE HELL?”

“HELP! A DOG JUST BARRELED INTO ME!”

“THAT’S A HUMAN, DUMBASS!”

All the children plus Childe were freaking out, until the thing sat up, facing the crowd.

“Hiya,” he greeted.

“Venti?” Xiao asked.

“Xiao!” Venti shouted, scrambling over the middle row’s back to reach the other. “I’m joining you!”

“Huh?” Childe peered back at the car. “Who’s this?”

“I’m his boyfriend!” Venti hugged Xiao’s neck while Xiao flushed bright red. “From the Teyvat Boarding School for Troubled Teens! We met first day.”

The whole car was completely silent.

“How the hell can Xiao pull?” Hu Tao gaped. “And keep it a secret for two years?”

“I pulled him, actually,” Venti insisted as he buckled himself in next to Xiao. “He was so bitter and mean but I made him soften up-”

Xiao slapped a hand over his boyfriend’s mouth, glaring at him. Hu Tao definitely didn’t fail to notice the extra softness and pleading in his eyes and expression, though. She grinned. Was her brother really capable of being soft? This is so blackmail-able.

“Just drive, dad,” Xiao insisted.

“Not until I get to meet him,” Childe stopped Zhongli from pressing the pedal. “Zhongli, get the shotgun.”

“Please don’t do this again, Keqing’s still traumatized!” Ganyu’s eyes widened.

“Have you kissed him?” Childe glared into Venti’s eyes.

“Other way around,” Venti said.

Childe wrote something down in a note in his phone’s Notes App labeled ‘child relationships 4 future reference’, which he used to keep track of every detail of all of his kid’s relationships just in case he needed blackmail or an address when he murders them for skipping out on a wedding or cheating, like Ganyu’s old boyfriend had (he still is yet to be seen in Liyue again).

“Address?”

“788, Kleinundschwul Street,” Venti replied. “Windrise section of town.”

“Ah, the poorest part of Mondstadt,” Childe quirked a brow. “How can you make up for your lack of mora?”

“I’m an artist,” Venti responded without fear. “I make little money, but I do what my heart calls for. I follow the wind, but I’d never leave your son for anything. If the world calls but Xiao stays, then I stay with him. I swear that despite me being poor, I’ll love him forever, and I will be loyal for life. My artistic callings won’t take place above my love for him.”

Xiao is incredibly red, and Hu Tao wasted no time in snapping photos.

“Approved. But, before we go, are your parents okay with you ditching the country?” Childe nodded.

“Parents? What are those?” Venti scoffed and earned a playful smack from Xiao. “I’m just kidding! I have parents, they’re just never home, and they wouldn’t notice if I’m gone.”

“Sounds good to me,” Childe shrugged. “Onward, Xiangsheng!”

Thus the car rolled on with a kidnapped child.

It took a few hours to reach their next destination, Wolvendom. They stopped at the ancient ruins of a battlefield where a legendary beast used to live in the shape of a wolf. All those who challenged it ended up dead, according to Tour Guide Venti.

After that, they headed to Old Mondstadt, which was currently being excavated. The place was called Stormterror’s Lair nowadays, though. They stopped for a picnic.

“Can’t believe we bred another gay,” Childe said to Zhongli.

Xiao and Venti were sitting really close off to the side of the group, talking quietly and occasionally blushing and touching each other’s shoulders or faces or hands. Zhongli thought they were very cute together. He could already see how Xiao smiled 100% more than usual with his boyfriend.

“To be young again,” Zhongli said wistfully.

“We’re young,” Childe looked at his husband. “You’re only like… 45.”

“I’m 30,” Zhongli sighed.

“I’m 27,” Childe added. “Which means we still have a lifetime together. That’s pretty young. We can do young people things. Here, hold my hand and talk in modern slang about video games.”

Zhongli took his hand and laughed, kissing his husband’s cheek.

“You never fail to amuse,” Zhongli shook his head. “I love you.”

“EWWWW!” Hu Tao gasped. “Parents aren’t allowed to be lovey dovey! Xiao’s boyfriend, stop them!”

“Why me?!”

“You’re new, so you’re expendable!”

“Xiao, when you texted me about your horrible horrendous annoying siblings, I thought you were over exaggerating. But you’re right, Hu Tao needs to be terminated.”

“WHAT?”

“Qiqi thinks… Hu Tao… should terminate, too.”

“WHAT?!”

“I agree.”

“DADS, HELP!”

“You brought this upon yourself.”

“Papa, how could you! Defend me Bàba!”

“I agree with Childe on this one.”

The family all started laughing at Hu Tao’s plight as she pretends to faint and be executed. Even Xiao was laughing. Zhongli realized that he definitely didn’t regret the vacation. Seeing his whole family enjoying themselves was a true blessing from Celestia.

And to think there were still so many other countries to visit, a father-son bonding experience so set up, a boyfriend to interrogate further, and friends to meet along the way.

—

Next stop: Fontaine. Country of France and French things.

Actually, let me restart:

Now entering: Fontaine. Bordering Liyue, Sumeru, and Mondstadt to the north and also north and west respectively, the country is famous mostly for romance, cheese, bread, and lawyers. Main attractions include the long winding rivers, lakes, and tons of waterfalls. There’s a five-mile hike that’s famous for tourists that hits an estimated 30 waterfalls, depending on the season.

There are famous bridges, landmarks, buildings, and other things tourists like, including the one and only water park in Teyvat. The Morax family (plus honorary member Keqing and surprise boyfriend Venti) are going to hit every single one of these attractions. That’s the goal, anyway.

The van stops at a gas station just before the border, and while their car is fueling up, they wisely leave it unattended and run to the border sign.

“Prop it up on that rock,” Keqing suggested.

Xiao fixed his phone in a good position, Venti standing close to help him out if he needed it.

“Ready?” Xiao asked.

“Asking if we’re ready? Venti, you do wonders for this boy,” Hu Tao said dramatically.

“I know!” Venti smiled.

Xiao just mumbled and pressed the button, the two boys running hand-in-hand towards the family. Xiao nearly gets into a good position before Venti yanks him into a slide and they end up crashing into the girls when the photo was taken.

Childe insisted they keep it, and Zhongli backed him up until Xiao allowed it to stay in his camera roll.

Back at the van, they take off once again. Three days (mostly traveling and picnicking) in Mondstadt, and three more for Fontaine. It was noon, and they planned to start the aforementioned five mile hike.

They bought park passes after a few hours of driving through farms full of cows (Venti and Hu Tao had fun naming every single one, and much to Xiao’s dismay, they pulled him in and insisted he name the cutest one) and head into the park.

Childe easily keeps the lead without breaking a sweat (he says it’s Snezhnayan magic, insisting his technically half-Snezhnayan children that they can do it too), with Venti and Xiao and Zhongli close behind him. Hu Tao had Qiqi on her shoulders, and she walked just behind Xiaoven. Ganqing stayed in the very back, holding hands and watching the leaves like the experienced couple they are.

They stopped at a few waterfalls, took collective breaks when Hu Tao complained for them, and even wandered apart from each other to go off path when they felt like it (which was technically illegal).

“Tartaglia, Xiao, come here,” Zhongli called when they were sitting next to a waterfall and eating sandwiches.

Both boys seemed to be scared, like they were getting punished, as they walked over. Xiao left Venti behind, but his boyfriend quickly turned to something else. Childe left Qiqi and Hu Tao, but they were usually okay alone.

“There is a path that leads off the main one,” Zhongli said once they neared. “It says it’s an extra thirty minutes round trip, but you get to see a new view of the biggest waterfall from earlier. I was betting with Keqing; she doesn’t think you can do it in thirty, I think you could make it in twenty.”

“We’re betting?” Keqing randomly looked up from her conversation with Ganyu.

Ganyu caught on and drove an elbow into the purple-haired’s side.

“Right, yeah. I bet twenty mora,” Keqing blinked and then nodded quickly.

Zhongli looked up expectantly at his boys.

“You’re on,” his husband grinned like the competitive spirit he was.

Xiao looked back to Venti, realized his boyfriend was completely absorbed in making silly faces at Qiqi, smiled fondly, and then nodded to his dad.

That was how both Xiao and Tartaglia ended up completely lost beneath a waterfall.

“I thought he said it was a lookout, not a thorough soaking,” Childe remarked.

“I have a feeling we followed an animal path on accident,” Xiao offered.

“You’re right,” Childe nodded. “Wrong turn, I guess. But we lost that path a while back. Guess it’s time to break out my expert tracking skills and find our way out of here!”

Xiao didn’t respond, and instead just looked out at the waterfall above them. He knew, now, that his dad had set him up for this. He didn’t really regret asking for a bonding experience with his other dad, but this wasn’t what he was expecting. Was getting lost purposeful, or an accident? Either way, Xiao decided he would make the most of the opportunity.

“Alright, lead the way,” Xiao said.

Tartaglia looked very surprised that Xiao would be willing to trust his ‘expert’ tracking skills, but smiled and nodded nonetheless, not making a big deal out of it.

They walked in silence for a bit, and were close to exiting the waterfall when they heard a sound. It was growling.

“Shit, that’s a bear,” Childe announced after the first sound.

“Run?” Xiao looked up at Childe.

“Nah, I can take it,” Tartaglia send him a thumbs up. “Stay back here.”

Xiao just shrugged. If he died, whatever. He had another dad.

Wait no, shit, he’s supposed to be bonding, not being completely okay with his Snezhnayan father dying. He shook himself, and then stood up next to Childe, sending him a confident glare.

“Xiao, you can’t fight a bear,” Childe’s dad mode activated over his fight mode.

“And you can?” Xiao glared.

“I have experience,” Childe shook his head. “I can’t let you get hurt.”

“But I can try, at least,” Xiao insisted.

“Now’s the only time you actually take interest in action?” Childe mumbled. “Fine, but lemme train you first.”

Xiao was surprised he gave in.

“So, first, you have to be calm and confident, and strong,” Childe eyed Xiao’s noodle arms. “...You’ll be fine.”

Xiao followed his gaze, and gave Childe an eye roll and a tiny smile, trying to encourage Childe to know he was completely competent even if not buff. He’d had years of tackling Venti down at boarding school. He found that Tartaglia smiled back.

He knelt down a bit so he was at his son’s height, and then began teaching him how to grab the bear and intimidate it. Xiao actually grew interested in the topic, and kept himself fully attentive. He nodded at the instructions, and Childe was such a good pep-talker that he found himself incredibly confident.

“We’ve got this, right son?” Childe stood and gave Xiao a tooth-paste model smile.

“Yeah,” Xiao nodded solemnly. “Let’s kill this bitch.”

Childe laughed fondly, and then jumped out from behind the waterfall.

A looming shadow greeted them. A head, broad shoulders, a lean body, and- no feet? The shadow cut off at the stomach. Turning around, Xiao noticed something when he looked up.

“It’s up there,” he nearly laughed.

“Huh?” Childe lifted a hand to his eyes and looked up.

At the top of the waterfall stood a peaceful-looking bear, standing half in the water, probably fishing. The sun shone behind it, making its shadow appear at the bottom. The roar they had heard earlier had echoed across the little dip they’ve been stuck in.

“Kinda disappointed,” Childe noted.

Xiao admitted, in his head, that he felt the same way. He’d been incredibly hyped to fight a bear with his dad.

Tartaglia started laughing, then. Xiao felt himself join in, although his laugh was much quieter. After a while, they both calmed down, and walked close together as they tried to find a way back to the main group. While they did, they engaged in conversation.

“Thanks for teaching me, despite the circumstances,” Xiao forced out.

“Man, that Venti really softens you up. This is the first time you haven’t addressed me with a swear word, and thanked me too,” Childe grinned down at Xiao.

“No, it’s not Venti, not entirely,” Xiao shook his head, looking at the shadows of giant trees. “I wanted to be nicer to you. I wanted to get to know you.”

Childe was incredibly surprised at that, blinking with wide eyes at the short boy.

“Really?” he asked.

“Yeah,” Xiao nodded. “Dad said we were both really stubborn, and both wanted to get to know each other, but wouldn’t try it ourselves. I think he set this up.”

“That devious little Блять,” Childe cursed with a smile. “Well, I guess we bonded a bit.”

“By nearly fighting a fake bear,” Xiao snorted amusedly.

“Now we have an inside joke,” Childe nudged him.

Xiao smiled gently at that. Yeah, they did. He learned about Childe’s personality in a positive light, even if Childe had this experience with a fake soft Xiao, at least he learned about Childe like how he naturally was.

“It’s nice to know you’re capable of smiling, too,” his father added.

“Still insulting me,” Xiao hissed.

“You’re insultable,” Childe laughed.

“You’re insufferable.”

“Love you.”

“Doubt it.”

“Yeah, I was completely lying. I’ll only love you if you make me proud by chugging vodka and killing bears.”

“Sounds traumatic.”

“‘Twas but my childhood.”

“No wonder you’re the way you are.”

“Hell’s that mean?”

—

An hour later, Childe and Xiao wandered out of the forest. It was around four o’clock when they finally found Zhongli, who looked quite panicked.

“You’re alive?” Hu Tao called, the first one to see them.

“This shitface almost made me fight a bear,” Xiao said.

“Did you film it?” Hu Tao asked.

“Xiao!” Venti ran over and crashed into his boyfriend. “Did you find a leprechaun?”

“Yeah,” Xiao smiled sweetly at Venti’s randomness. “An oversized, incompetent leprechaun.”

“That hurt so bad,” Childe mused sarcastically. “You’re lucky I don’t insult your height more.”

“I’ll murder you,” Xiao looked away from Venti to deathstare Childe.

“Bonding, complete,” Tartaglia grinned.

“Childe, I will divorce you if you ever force some idiotic Snezhnayan toxic masculinity on our son,” Zhongli marched over, holding Qiqi’s hand.

“It wasn’t like that, I swear!” he put his hands in the air.

Venti laughed as Zhongli glared down his husband in complete son-protection-mode.

“Man, your dads are great, you’re lucky,” Venti booped Xiao’s nose.

“I guess so, yeah.”

—

They spent the rest of that day lazing about the hotel room, and in the morning, they slept in for the shits and giggles. Zhongli and Childe woke up to find their son and his chaotic boyfriend gone, and they both sit up quickly and walk to the girl’s room.

They’re aghast at the sight in front of them.

Apparently, the girls had had some kind of movie night. The local lesbians were sleeping close together on the floor, Ganyu’s hair completely braided in a fishtail braid all the way down, Keqing’s signature bun hair-style undone.

Xiao was sleeping on the girl’s previous bed, facing the wrong end, like he had been watching the TV. Venti was strewn over him. Hu Tao, meanwhile, was huddled close to Ganyu on her other side, except outside of their shared blanket. Qiqi was laying in between Xiaoven, for some reason.

The TV was still on, playing the horror channel.

“I don’t have the heart to wake them,” Zhongli whispered.

“I do,” Childe grinned, whipping out his phone.

He opened his alarm app, set an alarm for one minute after the current moment, turned his volume at max, and chose a deafening air-raid siren as the wake-up call. He was about to start the alarm when-

“We’re already awake! Please don’t do this again!” Hu Tao suddenly exclaimed.

Every single kid in the room cracked open their eyes, most of them giggling.

“What is the joy in pretending to be sleeping?” Childe pressed the button anyway.

“Y’know when you’re at sleepovers, and you wake up, but you don’t want to be the first one up?” Venti sat up. “That’s all of us.”

“COVER YOUR EARS!” Hu Tao shouted.

Everyone was safely hidden beneath a pillow in time.

“Alright, today we head out for the water park in the capital city, so get your suits ready,” Childe said before leaving.

“You’re cruel,” Zhongli smiled.

“I’m funny,” Childe corrected.

“Only you found amusement in that.”

“You’re smiling!”

—

While Zhongli was chilling like your average beach mom on the side of the pool with a book, all the others were off playing in the vast expanse of the sunny waterpark. Childe stuck to the youngest ones: Qiqi and Hu Tao, who also happened to be most likely to get lost and/or explode something. Xiao tagged along.

While Childe and Hu Tao hopped on a two-person floatie and went down a giant waterslide, Xiao was left to hop on the next one with Qiqi. To his horror, he then realized that Qiqi had disappeared.

Shit.

“Mister, have you seen a tiny purple-haired girl with a braid and a purple one-piece swimsuit with ruffles?” Xiao quickly asked the instructor.

“Yeah, she just ran down the stairs,” the random Fontainian guy responded.

Xiao didn’t say another word, and took off after the tiniest of them all. When he found her, she was sitting alone underneath a tiny tunnel in the child’s area, where there was a max of two-feet of water.

“You okay?” Xiao asked.

“Qiqi… was afraid,” Qiqi looked up at Xiao.

Xiao got down and sat next to Qiqi in the water. He couldn’t fit under the tunnel, so he flipped onto his stomach and crawled under there.

“Why?” Xiao questioned.

“Qiqi could… get stuck,” Qiqi nodded slowly, eyes trained on Xiao. “Papa would be… angry.”

“Childe wouldn’t get angry at you for being stuck on a slide,” Xiao shook his head.

“Xiao!” Venti called.

The boy, who was wearing jean shorts and a T-shirt because he didn’t bring a swimsuit, rushed over and slid to a stop under the tunnel.

“Hi Qiqi! I’m hiding from Keqing right now, she’s trying to find us,” Venti explained. “Be quiet, okay?”

Qiqi’s eyes widened and she nodded with seriousness.

“What’re you guys doing here, anyway?” Venti tilted his head.

“Qiqi got scared of a big slide,” Xiao explained.

“Aw, that’s okay,” Venti smiled at the little girl. “I find the unpredictable daunting.”

“Dawn-ting?” Qiqi asked.

“Like it’s big, unknown, and scary,” Xiao said, using his hands to create a large shadow on the water.

“Yes… Qiqi could get stuck… Qiqi does not want to… worry others, or… never get back home,” Qiqi said very slowly.

“Found you!” Keqing shouted.

She crawled under the tunnel. Now there wasn’t much space left. Ganyu suddenly appeared, squeezing under too. Now most of the children were there, cramped in two-feet of water under a tunnel in the toddler section of the park.

“What’s going on here?” Ganyu asked.

“Qiqi was afraid of going down a slide,” Venti said.

“Ah, makes sense, seeing as they’re so fast,” Keqing pointed out. “I was deathly afraid of them until Ganyu pushed me off one.”

“Wait, that’s perfect!” Venti exclaimed. “Let’s all go down a slide together with Qiqi!”

“But they’re limited to two people at once,” Xiao mentioned.

“That’s no problem, Xiaoy Wiaoy,” Venti giggled. “We’ll surprise attack them!”

—

Zhongli and Childe could be seen pulling all their children out of a world-famous waterpark at 1 pm, while many pedestrians stared at them, curious as to what happened. I bet you are, too.

You see, all the siblings beside Hu Tao, who was helping Childe search for Xiao and Qiqi, rushed up the stairs past a line of people. Without permission or any warning, they all leapt onto the currently prepared floatie.

Screaming with joy and rushing down, Qiqi found herself enjoying sitting at the front of a floatie with four others, protected from the sides and back by Xiao, Venti, Keqing, and Ganyu. When they reached the bottom, the lifeguards were waiting for them, and whistled at them.

That’s how they were kicked out.

“Rest of the day watching movies?” Childe asked.

“Please!”

—

They spent the rest of their Fontanian time in a submarine the next morning, taking a tour of the deepest lake in the world. Afterwards, the car was turned on once more, and the journey continued to Childe’s frozen homeland.

“It’s all fields, there are no places to prop up the phone!” Xiao argued.

“Use the car!” Hu Tao repeated again.

“It’s too far, you miststück!” Venti defended his boyfriend.

“We are not friendly enough for you to be cursing me out yet, Venti!” Hu tao gasped.

“In Xiao’s name,” Venti pledged, holding a hand to his chest. “I shall curse all those who come in his way.”

“You’re a dork,” Xiao muttered as he tried to find a spot on the car to put the phone.

“I’ll just move the car,” Zhongli walked away from where the group stood at the border sign to Snezhnaya. “Give me a moment.”

The car was started, moved, driven into the dying grass, and then parked again. Zhongli walked and joined where the group huddled close against the autumn wind. Xiao finally found a good spot, cursing and complaining to Venti, asking why he had to be the one with the good phone.

The two joined the photo, and thus we have the first actually good, decent photo of the entire group so far.

The whole group piles back up into the family van, and they set off into the heart of Russia. I meant Snezhnaya.

It doesn’t take long for them to reach the capital city, where they load into their hotel. Childe’s family’s house was way out in the country, so they’d stop by later.

“Alright kids. It’s about 21:20, so stay in here and don’t do anything crazy,” Childe instructed.

“What? Leaving us unsupervised?” Hu Tao asked from one of the queen beds where she sat cuddled wit her sisters.

“We’ve got a date,” Zhongli explained.

Cue chorus of EWWWWs.

For the fun of it, Childe grabbed Zhongli’s hand and pulled him in for a kiss in the doorway.

“COVER YOUR EYES EWWWW!” Venti screamed.

“BLEACH BLEACH!” Hu Tao joined in.

“Wear protection,” Xiao mumbled from his position on his bed, where Venti lay on his lap.

“Don’t wear protection,” Ganyu, surprisingly, interrupted. “I want another sister.”

“Please don’t torture me like that,” Xiao glared at his parents. “Plus, that’s not how it works.”

Chili both took off from the hotel, leaving the children for the night. They wandered around town, fended themselves from the chilly autumn breeze, and finally came to a stop at a cute café.

After Tartaglia ordered for him and Zhongli in Snezhnayan, they began to talk.

“I always love it when you talk in other languages,” Zhongli smiled.

Childe blushed and grinned, starting to rant off in Snezhnayan. He talked for ten minutes straight and Zhongli never broke eye contact, listening carefully even though he couldn’t understand anything.

“What were you talking about?” Zhongli asked when he stopped.

“You.” Childe tilted his head with a smile. “I just talked about everything I like about you.”

“Ten minutes, that’s impressive,” Zhongli said.

“I could have doubled it,” Childe shrugged and looked at his hands on the table.

Meanwhile, with the children:

“Everyone, shut up about this, okay?” Keqing kept saying. “We’re just sneaking out, we’re not gonna die. Don’t tell anyone.”

“Ten mora Ganyu gets hit by a bus,” Hu Tao responded.

“Twenty she gets flirted with and Keqing beats them up,” Venti participated like he was part of the family.

“Qiqi thinks that… Keqing will kiss Ganyu at… midnight plus two minutes,” Qiqi pondered.

“That’s… oddly specific,” Hu Tao tilted her head contemplatively. “I bet the Snezhnayan government will arrest you two for being gay.”

“Papa did warn us about that,” Xiao pointed out.

“Then how come they can just casually go on a date and we can’t visit a museum together?” Ganyu huffed tiredly.

“We won’t die, we’ll be fine, and we can outrun a few police, we’ve done it before,” Keqing sighed. “Okay? No worries. We’re out.”

The lesbians walked out of the hotel, following their map app to reach the local art museum.

“We should leave too,” Venti grinned. “I heard they got amazing alcohol here!”

“Sure,” Xiao shrugged. “I’m down.”

“WHAT?” Hu Tao gasped. “ALCOHOL? The liquid of the devil? The-”

“We’ve both had plenty,” Xiao rolled his eyes. “What else do you think we did for fun at the Teyvat Boarding School for Troubled Teens? Sat around and played with Paw Patrol Stuffed Animals?”

“...Makes sense,” Hu Tao rubbed an imaginary mustache. “But can we come?”

So when Childe and Zhongli got back to the hotel room around 23:00 to find it completely empty, they were logically confused and panicked. They found a note on the TV, though:

Xiao, Venti, Qiqi, and Hu Tao out for drinks! Ganyu and Keqing aren’t anywhere that’s a secret we won’t tell. If you see this, it means we’re still gone. Whoopsies!
-Child #3

“Hu Tao,” Zhongli rubbed a hand down his face. “I swear I’m going gray.”

“You’d rock that salt and pepper look,” Childe grinned.

“Too bad red hair just turns white, we can’t match,” Zhongli smiled. “You’ll look rather dashing, though.”

“Aw, thanks,” Childe blushed. “Anyway, let’s go find those little shits.”

—

The bigger group was easy to find. Seeing as they mentioned drinks, all they had to do was visit every bar around. They found them at the second bar, all sitting high up at the counter, arguing with the bartender that they can legally drink.

“Do I not look eighteen? ‘Cause I am, and if you say I ain’t, you’re insulting me,” Hu Tao argued. “I have drinken tons of alcohol. Like margaritas, beers, wines, Lamborghinis—”

“That’s a car.”

“—And other crazy shits! I can handle myself,” Hu Tao finished.

“I wasn’t going to argue,” the bartender handed her a drink.

“Really?”

“You don’t need an ID to drink here. If you look over fourteen, you’re fine,” the bartender grinned. “So long as you pay.”

“That’s exactly how I became an alcoholic at thirteen,” Tartaglia suddenly interrupted.

“Oh, shit!” Venti spat out his wine (he’d stolen it from behind the counter).

“Took me years to save myself from that addiction,” Childe continued as he grabbed Hu Tao by the hoodie. “It’s very unhealthy to look at alcohol as a fun thing, because it’s actually horrible in every way. I wasted most my money on it.”

“Same,” Venti giggled. “I’m poor.”

“Congrats,” Childe deadpanned as he dragged Qiqi (who was sipping milk through a straw) and Hu Tao outside. Xiaoven followed.

As they stepped outside, they started to interrogate the children about the location of the other two.

“They went to a theater. No, a park. I don’t remember,” Hu Tao tapped her chin.

“...I think it was a zoo,” Xiao shook his head.

“Right,” Hu Tao nodded.

“Xiao, honey, I think you’re on your last brain cell,” Venti tapped his boyfriend’s hair. “They clearly mentioned getting on a bus and heading to a ski resort.”

“Alright, I’ll bring up the Snezhnayan mafia torture methods if you don’t be honest. And I’m starting with Venti,” Childe cracks his fingers in front of him, stretching his arms out.

“He’s bluffing,” Venti insisted.

“Wait until I dunk you into a walrus-filled freezing ocean and then force you to stand still in the tundra until you skin freezes blue and black and you are stuck as an ice statue until the cold winds slow as spring nears, where your corpse will fall from its frozen state, the skin completely dead, and you’ll lay out in the field until your heart catches up to the pain and your brain stops working,” Childe explained as they kept walking down the street.

“Damn, that’s kinda spooky,” Venti shrugged.

Suddenly, Tartaglia yoinked Venti up by the ankles, dangling him upside down and raising him far above his head. He turned the boy so that he faced him, and then gave him the death glare.

“I’d do anything to protect my daughters,” Childe hissed.

“Calm down!” Xiao shouted. “He’s just being a dumbass, I’ll tell you where they went, don’t pull another Fernando.”

“Hell’s a Fernando?” Venti asked once he was set back down.

“Ganyu’s old boyfriend,” Zhongli interjected. “We never knew what Childe did to him, but he left sobbing and panicking, and we haven’t seen him in four years. We think he skipped countries.”

Venti suddenly looked as scared as he should have been, and glanced at the ginger. Childe was looking creepily satisfied. Venti quickly reached for Xiao’s hand.

“They went to a museum,” Xiao looked at his dads. “They didn’t give us anything other than saying it was an art museum that was nearby.”

So the family walked over to the local museum and observed art on their way through, until they finally found the blue and purple haired girls. They were holding each other close, seemingly perfectly fine.

“Glad they didn’t get arrested,” Childe sighed happily.

—

For their next day in Childe’s homenation, they headed to the famed Zapolyarny palace. On the way there, Childe was teaching them a bit about his job, and was explaining why he was able to get them a backstage personal tour of the inner workings for the palace.

“Basically,” He was saying as he drove down a busy city street. “I work really high up in the government as the Liyue diplomat. While that may sound like a low-level job, it’s actually not, because I also handle debt collecting, management of the bank, and can be sent to other countries. I mean, they could force me to Sumeru and I wouldn’t be able to protest.”

“Cool?” Xiao shrugged from the bag.

“Zhongli, why do they hate me?” Childe sighed and glared at the road ahead.

“Maybe it’s because you’re a ginger,” Venti offered.

“They’re technically half-gingers,” Childe retorted with a glare in the rear view mirror. “Because they’re my children.”

“I believe it is because of the remarks you make, like that one,” Zhongli smiled to himself. “You’re teaseable.”

Tartaglia sighed and just continued.

When the palace came into view, most of the children started paying attention. The autumn leaves and cold breeze crashed into an impressive flag at the top of the curved, icy dome structure at the palace’s peak. Gold leafed accents, marble pillars, and other fancy things greeted the family as they drive around to the employee parking lot.

“Oh, I forgot to mention,” Childe turned and faced the teenagers after he parked. “I don’t actually have permission for this.”

“Can we sneak around like spies?!” Hu Tao faked a pistol and whipped her head to aim it at Xiao.

“Or act as… hostages?” Qiqi tilted her head.

“Yeah, tie us up and drag us to the prisons,” Keqing nodded.

“…we’re in modern day Snezhnaya. It’s not like we tie or chain people up in public anymore. You can only do torture and mistreatment in actual prisons. Plus, the prison cells in the palace have been refurbished as extra offices,” Childe explained with a casual laugh.

“We should walk in as if we’re supposed to be there. Your papa can be the tour guide, I’ll be an assistant. All you children, act like knowledge-hungry Tsaritsa-loving school kids, understand?” Zhongli planned quickly. “And Tart, I’m disappointed in you. Plan next time.”

“Haha, get scolded, ginger,” Xiao said from the back. He got glared at by both Venti and Zhongli.

Anyway, the group then set off towards the tiny unkempt back entrance and followed Diplomat Ajax (Childe) Tartaglia Morax of the Tsaritsa’s Royal Table through the halls.

The children didn’t actually know, but not only is Childe a diplomat, he also has authority over all his subordinates (which are many) and can order them to murder anyone he wants as a head of the military. This role in the Snezhnayan government is called the Harbinger. Military leadership, diplomatic power, free wifi, cabinet member authority to the president, law enforcer, and automatic head of whatever Fatui branch lives wherever they’re stationed. Top secret and totally epic mafia-dictator-government shit.

So it was reasonable to be confused when their supposedly boring-jobbed father kept getting military salutes when they walked through the halls. Everyone moved away from him, allowing him space to move, and nobody questioned his authority.

“Man, being a diplomat actually seems kinda cool now,” Hu Tao watched the hallways make way for Childe. “Xiao, you can have the funeral parlor. I want to make people cower in fear with my foreign relation abilities!”

Tartaglia and Zhongli just smiled secretly bc they both know about the whole military power thing.

“Thanks for realizing the epicness of my job, after all these years,” Childe wiped a fake tear. “Anyway, we’re coming up on the office of my dear friend Signora. She’s the Mondstadt diplomat. She’s probably in right now because she does all she can to avoid Mondstadt. She hates it.”

Cue Venti’s dramatic gasp.

“This is the horrible woman who was a guest in our language class at the Teyvat Boarding School for Troubled Teens!” Venti exclaimed.

“The one that took you out in the hallway and bitch-slapped you because you kept making jokes about her job?” Xiao laughed in the slightest.

Venti stared angrily at the door as they neared, cracking his knuckles.

Childe poked his head in through the door without knocking, and Signora stared at him with a very pissed-off expression, sitting at her desk in all her sexy Russian glory.

“How’s it hanging?” Tartaglia pushed the door open, letting his kids get a peak inside.

“Hell are you doing with those little pests behind you?” Signora retorted.

“I brought them to your office,” He responded.

“No shit,” the fellow diplomat glared. “Why?”

“So I can see your angry face,” Childe grinned.

“You’re so immature,” Signora sighed and went back to work.

“Damn, I’d take a cubical to this place,” Hu Tao wandered into the room.

“Tartaglia, that was a dismissal. Take them out,” Signora ordered. “I am your superior and you will obey me.”

“Buuut you’re only barely my superior and Tsaritsa likes me more so I can do whatever,” Childe watched as Hu Tao observed the single decorative piece in the room: a painting of a snowflake.

“Why are you touring children anyway? You hate children,” Signora observed defiantly as Venti and Xiao walked in, Venti trying to hide his face horribly. Signora didn’t recognize him anyway.

“I never said I hate children,” Tartaglia defended himself.

“You said two years ago that ‘Children are the most annoying useless things I’ve ever seen, I’m never having any’, and here you are being a damn tour guide to some stupid ass midgets?” Signora made her point.

“Woah! That hurt,” Hu Tao clutched her heart. “How could you say that about children, Mr. Tour Guide? I happen to be a child!”

“Yeah,” Ganyu crossed her arms over her chest. “I am thoroughly offended.”

“Mr. Tour Guide Assistant, can you avenge our innocent souls?” Keqing asked Zhongli.

“Literally all of you get out,” Signora stood up angrily. “I’m working. And I hate children.”

“Fine. Alright, everyone out. Say goodbye to Ms. Signora and her wholly aggravating existence,” Childe waved his hand to beckon his children back.

“Bye!” Hu Tao and the others all left.

“That was funny,” Childe shrugged. “Anyway, let’s go to the court rooms, those are fun because trials can’t last more than an hour as law, and therefore everything’s super fast and everyone always gets sentenced!”

“No, go back to the fact that you dislike children,” Zhongli interrupted.

“I was talking about babies back then, because babies are annoying,” Childe explained.

“Qiqi was a baby when she was adopted. Basically, anyway,” Hu Tao pointed out as the group moved forward.

“Qiqi is… offended,” Qiqi said to Hu Tao. “Qiqi was… forgot the age… but, not a baby.”

“Anyway, we’re past that, because we’re going to peer into the top secret archives!” Ginger-dad clapped his hands as they walked.

“I thought we were going to the courtrooms-”

“Hush, child,” Childe interrupted Ganyu. “I just remembered that this is more interesting to teens.”

It was true. Like, courtrooms are great, but Russian archives full of top secret info?? C’mon, man.

“Childe, I would advise against this. You are already bending the rules by being here with us…” Zhongli whispered in a concerned manner.

“It’s fine! I own this place, and if anyone tries to stop us, I’ll pull the Harbinger card. Or maybe threaten them. And if they push back, I can easily take them out,” Childe grinned at his husband.

“Sometimes I believe you are the youngest in the family,” Zhongli sighed.

“You love it,” Childe kissed his cheek.

“Tartaglia!” Zhongli was surprised. “We’re in the capital of homophobia.”

The family moved along, and eventually found themselves distanced from the pristine marble carvings and gold leaf. Surrounded by old concrete and plumbing, the group reached a deep little corridor that was guarded by two heavily-armed individuals.

“Shit, we’re going to the gulag,” Venti’s eyes widened.

“The Snezhnayans have us cornered,” Hu Tao whispered into an imaginary mic, her finger lifted to her left ear. “Abort mission.”

Tartaglia wasn’t bothered. In fact, he grinned. Now he could show off how cool he was to his children! He walked right up to the guards while everyone stayed a meter away.

“11th Harbinger, Tartaglia,” he said.

“Harbinger, sir,” the guards nodded and opened the door. No questions asked.

“C’mon, students,” Childe said loudly. “You paid extra to see this shit, so hurry on in.”

The kids played along and walked briskly past him. Tartaglia told them to close off the doors while they were in, and then he disappeared inside as well. The lights blinked on, and there were rows and rows of classified material.

“Woah,” Keqing gasped, looking up. It was two stories of filing cabinets.

“I’m finding the personal profile section,” Hu Tao whispered to her spy device. “Agent Qiqi, come along. We must destroy the evidence of my past crimes, and erase our existence.”

“I doubt they have info on a random Liyuean child,” Xiao snorted. “Dumbass.”

“Shǎ bī! Leave us alone,” Hu Tao grabbed Qiqi’s hand and walked off.

Thus the family all left to explore the endless Snezhnayan files. What? You’ve never done this on a family road trip? C’mon, man, get a life. This is a must, an absolute classic. And nothing bad ever happens.

Yes, that was foreshadowing.

As everyone tried to find information on people or things they like, Venti decided to dig deeper. He found out where anything related to Mondstadt was. Hu Tao stumbled upon him and decided to help him search, also looking for Liyue’s info.

The troublemakers found what they wanted, and they started digging through the classified documents, trying to find blackmail on their own countries so they could destroy it.

Xiao had taken Qiqi to find info on mythological creatures (Qiqi was, surprisingly, fascinated with the magical, and she wanted to find proof of mythical creatures like the Cocogoat) and the other four just had a conversation, hanging out. Occasionally they’d take a peak at something and talk about it.

In the end, they were ready to leave in an hour. Everything was perfectly smooth, and they made it for the rest of the tour of the courtrooms, throne room, etc. until they rolled out of the parking lot and started their way to Childe’s parent’s house in the country.

That’s when the police showed up.

“Oh, дерьмо́,” Childe cursed, pulling aside. “Who stole a classified document?”

“Not me,” Hu tao and Venti said at once.

Xiao just scoffed at them.

“I swear to the Tsaritsa,” Childe grumbled as the police approached.

They spoke in Snezhnayan for a minute. The whole car was silent otherwise, not daring to breathe.

Eventually, the police left, and Tartaglia turned to the car.

“Alright, we’re clear, they don’t suspect anything,” Childe started the car up again. “But which one of you stole a document?”

It was still incredibly silent.

“Answer him,” Zhongli demanded.

“I swear it wasn’t me,” Hu Tao insisted, knowing Zhongli was looking at her.

It was silent for another minute, before Qiqi slowly pulled a stack of documents from her giant hoodie pocket.

“You little scoundrel!” Keqing laughed.

“Qiqi reads… slow,” Qiqi looked at Zhongli with pleading, innocent eyes. “Qiqi wanted to… read them… on the drive.”

Zhongli sighed deeply, then smiled a bit, leaning and twisting around to get closer to the tiny girl in the seat behind his.

“Next time, it would be great if you would warn us, yes?” Zhongli said comfortingly. “We can read them to you, or we can advise you not to take them at all. It is important to ask when you don’t fully understand.”

“Qiqi did not know… the danger,” Qiqi nodded.

“That’s why you’ve got to ask,” Zhongli patted her head. “It’s okay, because your papa is very convincing, but next time make sure to understand what you can take and what is somebody else’s.”

“Okay. Sorry for… delay, Papa and Bàba,” Qiqi looked at the floor.

The car ride continued as normal. This time with top secret documents tho lmao.

—

They spent the rest of the day driving, and for their final full day in the country, they hung out with Childe’s parents and siblings.

“Since when do you have children?” Tonia said the moment the door opened.

“I’m a perfectly stable person with a great personal romantic amazing fatherly life,” Childe replied. “Let us in.”

“Password?”

“Password.”

“We changed it when you moved out and didn’t visit for four years.”

“Ouch. Uh, I don’t know. Hail the Tsaritsa?” Tartaglia tried again.

“Nope.”

“You’re a bitch?”

“Wrong.”

“Childe’s an asshole?”

“Correct, come in,” Tonia moved to let the family enter.

Thus the children hung out with their grandma and many aunts and uncles. It was pretty energetic in there, seeing as Childe forgot to tell his family he had adopted children and got married. He’d been busy, okay? And with his line of work so secret, he couldn’t really explain much about his life.

Anyway, they slept there that night, Zhongli was thoroughly teased (see last chapter for reference), they drank while the children slept, they made cookies and kalitki in the morning, and then they were on their way out of the cold country.

They head to Natlan, and make it there before nightfall on the same day they leave. Because Genshin currently isn’t updated enough to know the geography of Natlan and Snezhnaya and their relation to each other on a map, let’s assume they’re pretty close together, and Natlan is west of Sumeru.

Anyway, they stop at the border sign, as per tradition.

For the first time, the phone positioning was easy; a tourist who had been crossing the border on foot for some reason decided to take the photo for them. But, it’s not like there was never trouble.

“SNAKE!” Keqing yelled.

Nobody really cared much. Keqing backed away, worried it was venomous, but the others from this wacky family were really chill.

“I’m naming them… uh…” Venti reached down towards the snake. “Wiggles.”

“No,” Hu Tao ordered. “Our snake baby requires a good name.”

“Fine, how about Mist?” Venti asked, holding the unidentified snake species up high. “It means manure in Mondstadtian, but in an insulting way. In common, it’s just a pretty name!”

“Perfection,” Hu Tao nodded, satisfied.

“I’m calling CPS on you guys,” Ganyu said. “You are both the most ill-equipped for parenthood. That thing’ll be dead in a day.”

“Yeah, let me take care of it,” Childe tried to take Mist away. “I’m an actual parent so it’ll be in good hands.”

“NO!” Venti and Hu Tao shouted, protecting their snake.

“Everyone, that’s actually possibly a horribly deadly snake, though,” Keqing said quickly.

“Yes. Dear, please don’t encourage them, we agreed on never getting pets for obvious reasons,” Zhongli held his husband back. “Xiao, please get your boyfriend. Hu Tao, drop the snake.”

The snake had been taken by Hu Tao while Venti guarded her from all the hostility.

“Dr. Baizhu has… friend for Mist…” Qiqi offered, referring to Changsheng. “Mist could live with… Dr. Baizhu.”

“Right, great idea, Qiqi!” Ganyu nodded. “We can bring it home and then give it to him, then I don’t have to live with it.”

“What if we just… leave it here?” Xiao suggested like a reasonable person.

“NO!” Venti, Hu Tao, and Childe insisted.

“This is a rare breed,” a new voice interrupted. It was the picture-taking tourist. “I’ve studied Natlan for a while in the Sumeru Akademiya, and I know that this species, the Fideos Malvados, is actually non-venomous.”

“Oh, thanks,” Keqing looked very relieved.

“Doesn’t that mean evil noodle?” Venti questioned, remembering because it was the rapper name for one of his Natlanian friends.

“Ah- yes,” the researcher nodded. “An ancient and very scientific name for the species, coming from long ago when the first people settled the land, and found the snake rather alarmingly noodle-like and thusly automatically assumed it was evil.”

“As one does,” Childe sarcasm’d.

“Yes,” the stranger said sincerely.

“Anyway, so we can keep Mist, right?” Venti looked pleadingly at Zhongli.

“It’s not like your Mondstadtian ass will ever see them again,” Xiao rolled his eyes.

“I’ll come to visit them! Then I can visit you on my way out,” Venti suggested.

“Love how I’m an afterthought to a snake named after manure,” Xiao grumbled, though he was smirking.

“Fine, we can keep the snake,” Zhongli sighed. “We’ll let Dr. Baizhu have it once we get back to Liyue. Now, please pose for the picture.”

—

“It’s so hot here,” Ganyu pushed open a window, looking out at the blue ocean. “But so beautiful, too.”

“I can’t wait for the hot springs!” Venti jumped around on his fluffy white bed after safely discarding Mist on his new dresser.

“Didn’t you schedule horseback riding or something?” Xiao asked his secondary dad.

“Yup,” Tartaglia nodded. “And I booked a beach for the day after tomorrow.”

“...what?” Venti’s eyes widened. “You just booked an entire beach?”

“Mora, baby,” Childe flashed his wallet with a grin. “Perks of being rich, I guess.”

“So glad you married into our family,” Hu Tao collapsed onto a bed. “I don’t know how you even fell in love with our Bàba. He’s so crinkly and creaky and poor.”

“And sexy,” Childe grinned at his husband.

“EW WHAT?!” Hu Tao gasped, covering Qiqi’s ears.

“TMI, MAN,” Venti hid behind Xiao.

“Nasty,” Keqing commented.

“This is why we’re going on another date without you kids,” Zhongli wrapped his arms around Childe from behind and rested his chin on his husband’s shoulder.

“Yup, to a restaurant on a private island while you guys horseback,” Tartaglia smiled. “Maybe Signora was right. Children are pests.”

“You are not qualified to be a dad,” Hu Tao pointed out.

“I raised Qiqi. She turned out great!” Childe huffed.

“Qiqi is a bit wacky,” Hu Tao poked Qiqi. “I think you messed her up.”

“Don’t say that to your sister,” Zhongli mumbled, close to falling asleep on Childe whilst still standing up.

“Alright, you all go to sleep, I’m going to the boy's room. Your Bàba’s been driving for hours on end and needs rest, and you all should all as well. Come to the room within an hour, okay Xiao and Venti?” Childe planned.

“‘Kay!” Venti, however, was focused on the TV and had replied absentmindedly.

“Kids, I swear,” Tartaglia grumbled as he led Zhongli out of the room.

“You love them,” Zhongli smiled sleepily.

“I do,” Childe replied.

They entered the other room, which was smaller than the girl’s by the slightest. Zhongli pulled Childe onto a bed, and the two tucked themselves into the blankets. When they finally settled wrapped around each other, Childe drifted off to sleep.

“See you tomorrow,” he said just before closing his eyes.

“You are very cheesy,” Zhongli murmured.

“It’s my charm.”

“It is.”

—

The next morning, Family Morax and friends set off to the hot springs. Venti still didn’t have a swimsuit, so they took a detour to the mall rq. Don’t worry, Mist is perfectly comfortable. They got them a room at a pet resort.

“All of it is in Natlanian,” Ganyu huffed, trying to find a good shop to visit.

“Just look for anything swim-y,” Venti responded. “Ooo, Hot Topic!”

“Venti, get back here,” Xiao grabbed his boyfriend’s collar. “Focus your ADD-ridden brain, imbecile.”

“Right. Focus.” He saluted his boyfriend.

“I’m gonna go try that Natlanian traditional restaurant,” Keqing diverted from their path.

Without hesitation, Ganyu turned with her, and Hu Tao bounced off behind them.

“Guess we’re getting brunch,” Childe shrugged.

“I shall pay for this one,” Zhongli said as the rest of the family walked forward.

“Really?” Childe rose a brow.

They arrived at the restaurant. All sitting down together, they took out their menus. Xiaoven poured over one together, as did Ganqing. Zhongli was reading his along with Qiqi, pointing out things she might like. Childe was in deep concentration with his own while Hu Tao read over his shoulder, despite having her own.

“You should do the Catuaba or the Carménère,” Hu Tao suggested.

“Those are wines,” Childe furrowed his brow. “I was thinking something stronger.”

“The Pisco Sour sounds sour,” Hu Tao observed wisely.

“Pisco without the sour looks good too,” Childe responded. “Says it’s stronger. I’m down for a brandy.”

“But look– that one’s called a Coco Loco, and it has vodka,” Hu Tao reached over and pointed out the drink.

“Childe, are you letting Hu Tao choose your alcohol?” Zhongli asked suddenly. “Hu Tao, go find something you can eat.”

Hu Tao huffed and turned to her own menu sadly, only to be pulled away by Venti asking which type of burger he should get.

The family finally decided on what they wanted, and they ordered from the waiter. It would’ve been impossible without Tartaglia’s small knowledge of Natlanian and Keqing’s surprisingly useful random words she memorized from a Duolingo phase years ago.

The brunch was quite chaotic.

“Ganyu, try this!”

“Venti, that’s my food!”

“This is surprisingly edible..?”

“Don’t insult the regional delicacies like that!”

“I… it hurts…” Qiqi’s voice interrupted the overall loud chatter.

“You okay?” Zhongli turned to where Qiqi sat right next to him in their booth.

“Hot,” Qiqi pointed at the Mac & Cheese she had ordered.

Apparently, the little red flakes in there were super hot peppers.

“It’s fine, just drink some water,” Zhongli comforted.

It was too late.

Qiqi was actually panting, and Venti was gasping and swearing he saw steam coming out of her nose. The little girl, who was raised eating mostly sweet things and the occasional Jueyun Pepper (nothing compared to this pepper), was panicking.

“Waiter, could we have some milk?” Childe quickly called to the nearest worker.

“We don’t have milk here, sorry,” the waiter’s face was a perfectly unapologetic Neutral Face emoji.

“Qiqi, could you handle it with just water?” Childe turned towards his daughter.

She couldn’t respond, and her panic was growing. She waved her tiny hands in front of her open mouth, trying to cool herself down.

“Quick, everyone, we’ve gotta get her some milk,” Childe ordered. “Run outside and find a market!”

The kids nodded and all took off, leaving just the adults and Qiqi behind.

Xiaoven instantly stuck together, with Hu Tao trialing happily along. They found a stall very quickly, only a block away from the restaurant. Sadly, they didn’t have any milk. Getting a bit frantic, Xiao jogged down the street, head turning all around to spot any place that could sell milk.

Now you may be wondering: what? Why is Qiqi’s predicament such a big deal? She could probably stomach it after a bit of waiting… Well, the thing is, Qiqi is very different when it comes to spice. It sticks to the back of her throat, floods her nostrils, and waters her eyes and stays that way until there can be a neutralizer.

One time, she was sent home from school because her friend offered her a spicy drink, and the spicy taste wouldn’t go away. She went to the nurse’s office crying, but they assumed they could wait it out. An hour later, they called home- Qiqi was still in agony in the office.

Zhongli had walked quickly into the place. He’d been told that Qiqi had some sort of sickness or health condition awakened, only to learn that Qiqi was really sensitive to spice. A bit of milk instantly saved her.

Yeah, lessons learned.

Meanwhile, with Ganqing, the girls instantly ran to the beach nearby.

“Why are we going this way?” Ganyu kept asking. “There are no shops on the beach!”

“Trust me,” Keqing smiled.

Ganyu huffed and let Keqing drag her briskly towards the burning sand. Instead of going straight to the water, Keqing brought Ganyu towards the large palm trees nearby. Keqing pointed up high in the tree, and Ganyu instantly understood: a large coconut sat growing up there. Qiqi loved coconuts.

“It’ll help more than milk, I think,” Keqing explained.

“Genius,” Ganyu muttered. “How are we reaching it?”

That’s how Ganyu found herself, a minute later, standing on Keqing’s shoulders, who was standing on a stranger, who was standing on another stranger’s back. Finally, Ganyu knocked the coconut down, and the people around them who’d began watching cheered.

“Thank you so much!” Ganyu said to the strangers who helped out.

“Eh, it sounded fun,” one of them smiled. “Hope you get that to your sister.”

“We will, thank you!” Keqing grabbed Ganyu’s hand and they ran off.

“Tourists are so weird…” they heard as they left the beach.

Once they reached the restaurant again, they found Qiqi in a state of utter despair. A little audience had grown, watching curiously and silently at the panting crying child being comforted by two grown men.

“We got the solution!” Keqing sprinted over. “We just need a knife to open it.”

Reaching across the table, Zhongli grabbed the oversized steak knife one of the kids had been using for their meal. Slamming it into the coconut, it split open at Zhongli’s strength. Tartaglia gawked at his sexiness.

“Qiqi, drink this,” Zhongli offered the raw coconut juice to Qiqi.

The little girl gulped it down aggressively, and then sighed with relief. Even though coconut water is nasty (I know from experience), Qiqi felt herself greatly relieved. She loved coconuts, so it calmed her down, as well as helping with her burning tongue.

“We’re back,” Venti skirted to the table.

“We found some goat milk,” Hu Tao held out a tiny bottle. “We didn’t have any money so Xiao’s staying at the stall until we bring his wallet to him.”

“Here,” Childe handed Hu Tao a few mora, and she took off quickly.

With the coconut water and milk, Qiqi was soon healed. The audience around them let out a breath, relieved that the chaos was ending.

After that happened, the family finished eating, and it was time to pay the bill.

“Ah…” Zhongli looked guiltily at Childe.

“You forgot your wallet?” Tartaglia deadpanned.

“Ooooo,” the children said, watching the drama.

“First fight of the trip,” Ganyu sighed.

“Do they usually fight?” Venti asked.

“Ah, not really,” Ganyu pondered. “I mean, it’s inevitable. But they don’t fight too much. Verbally, that is. They love physical fights. They’re both martial artists and find it fun or something to try and murder each other.”

“That’s… odd,” Venti muttered.

“I’ve told you… how many times?” Childe pulled out his wallet. “It was fine when I would buy you stuff all the time and pay for our dates, but with the children? You’ve gotta show responsibility to them.”

“Don’t lecture me on parenting, I raised three of them from toddlers before you arrived,” Zhongli defended himself.

“And I raised them to teenagers with you.” Tartaglia wrote a quick signature on the bill. “That’s not the point. You have to be an example.”

“I know that,” Zhongli said. “I genuinely forgot it.”

“You always forget it,” Childe turned to his husband. “By now, you should have learned.”

“Damn, this is kinda entertaining,” Venti mentioned.

“They’ll be making out in a minute or two.” Keqing was busy with her phone.

“Gross,” Venti said, paying full attention to the fighting adults, invested. “Bet five that Zhongli wins.”

“They never win,” Xiao explained. “They always stop halfway through and decide they’ll let it go, and that they see each other’s reasoning.”

“That’s disgustingly healthy,” Venti scrunched up his nose.

In the end, Xiao’s prediction came true, and they all left the restaurant to finally buy Venti a swimsuit and get to the hot springs. Keqing’s prediction came true, too. While the kids were planning a fashion show for different swimsuits Venti should get, the parents found a secluded space to be all kissy and apologize.

“Did not want to see that,” Ganyu backed away.

Once Venti had succeeded in looking great in basically every swimsuit in the store, he settled for a two-piece crop-top-and-shorts-lookin’ thing that was plain teal with some pretty white designs. With their supplies on hand, the Morax family (plus girlfriend of sister and miscellaneous green guy) set off towards the only natural hot springs in the entirety of Teyvat.

“How is it?” Venti asked Keqing, as she was the first in the water.

“Kinda hot,” Keqing nodded contemplatively.

“Wow, thanks,” Venti laughed. “Hey, is it rude to cannonball in?”

“Very disrespectful, yes,” Zhongli responded.

“I’m doing it anyway!” Venti backed up a few paces, preparing for a running start.

“Nope,” Xiao grabbed his upper arm.

Venti pouted and sighed, until Xiao pushed him gently off the edge into the water, creating only a tiny splash and a lot of surprised curses.

As the whole family settled into the water, they also began comfortable conversation. Unlike usual, where they’d split up into many conversations between partners and favorite siblings, they decided to stay close (because it was really busy and they didn’t want to get lost). Thus, one conversation emerged.

“Is a hot dog a taco, or a sandwich?” Hu Tao asked nobody.

“Not this again,” Ganyu rubbed her eyes sleepily. “I’m gonna take a nap.”

“A taco, obviously,” Xiao insisted. “We’ve discussed this before, the answer is clear. Get your stupid ass brain out of here and ask a real question.”

“What? But it’s a sandwich,” Keqing interjected.

“EXCUSE ME?” Venti gasped. “HOW?”

“Because it is a single glob of ingredients within two pieces of bread-like structures,” Keqing explained.

“But… It's a taco.” Zhongli rubbed his chin. “Why would it not be? The bun is like the shell; it is curved and fully connected on one end. It doesn’t matter how the insides are. Think about the bun.”

“Yeah, the bun that covers both sides of the insides,” Keqing insisted. “It doesn’t matter if it’s connected! A shell is not bread. A bun is bread. How could a bun possibly be a shell? No, it’s a type of bread, which means it has to be a sandwich, because sandwiches are encompassed by bread. Tacos aren’t.”

“I agree,” Qiqi said. “Taco shells aren’t… bread.”

“See!” Keqing gestured wildly.

“What makes a taco a taco is that the encompassing outer layer has to be Natlanian fried tortilla,” Childe chimed in. “A taco can not be a taco with bread. With such a defining factor missing, it must be a sandwich.”

“Sure,” Hu Tao finally chose a side. “But, it’s mostly due to the shape, I think. A hot dog bun is the shape of a shell. A sandwich is never the shape of a shell. Sure, you can cut open a baguette the long way and it’s kinda like that, but that doesn’t count because we’re talking about sandwich sandwiches, not subs. So, it can’t be a sandwich. The shape of the bread is really defining.”

“Subs are literally a subcategory of sandwich! If there are sandwiches that are connected like hot dog buns, what else is there to define? Plus, let’s talk about the hot dog itself! It’s one large structure with toppings. Tacos are all ground up stuff, always,” Keqing added. “It has to be a sandwich because it isn’t ground up.”

“But a sandwich is held sideways, while a bun is upright,” Venti criticized. “Who holds a sandwich upright? It has to be a taco, because of the way you hold them!”

“You hold your sandwiches upright?!” Hu tao gasped. “Blasphemy!”

“Venti…” Xiao suddenly became serious. “This new information… I don’t think we can be together anymore…”

“I have NEVER seen ANYONE hold a hot dog sideways!” Venti defended himself.

“We’re breaking up,” Xiao turned away.

“XIAOOO!” Venti clung to his boyfriend.

“Damn, Venti brings out a playful side in Xiao,” Childe noted.

“And a soft side, as seen earlier,” Zhongli added. “He’s all grown up, very mature.”

“It’s like…” Childe whipped a fake tear. “He’s… gained emotions.”

“What we thought was impossible has become a reality,” Zhongli turned to his husband, holding his hand. “We are successful parents.”

“We brought the life out of such an emo soul,” Childe caressed Zhongli’s cheek.

“There is nothing we can’t do together,” Zhongli responded.

“We should start an orphanage for depressed children—”

“Stop joking around. You’re adults, stop the fighting,” Keqing elbowed the ginger’s side before he could finish.

“Ouch, sorry,” Tartaglia huffed and looked away from Zhongli. “Xiao, stop trying to waterboard your boyfriend.”

“You’re not my dad!”

“I thought we bonded!?”

—

That afternoon was spent mostly watching television and sleeping, because sleeping in a car only makes someone more sleepy. You know what I mean.

After ordering pizza for dinner, the family found out that Jurassic Park was doing a trilogy viewing on cable, so they all stayed up late and binged the entire trilogy until midnight. Only the parents, Keqing, and Qiqi were up by the time it finished.

Letting everyone sleep in for the morning, their first activity for day 2 of Natlan began at 10 AM.

“Hold the reins tight, and high up to your chest. You have control,” the instructor taught Qiqi.

“Control,” Qiqi repeated confidently. “I go… forward.”

“Woah, not yet! I haven’t taught you how to stop!” they started panicking as Qiqi rode off.

Childe was in the back, taking a million photos as his children were seated atop giant horses. Qiqi was the last one, and the others were all sitting and chatting side-by-side behind the group leader while the other guy chased down the toddler.

“Hey, I just hit 250 photos for this vacation!” Tartaglia announced, scrolling through his phone.

“I have taken 300,” Zhongli said. “Get on my level, as the children would say.”
“You know I’ll have 350 by the time we’re done with our date,” Childe winked.

“Please refrain from taking more photos of me while I eat,” Zhongli blushed.

“We’re not doing nude portraits?” Childe pouted.

“Tart, we’re in public,” Zhongli reminded.

“You’re the only person I se- OW!” Childe glared at where Zhongli had smacked him.

“No more cheesy pick up lines. If I am not mistaken, you have already picked me up,” Zhongli glared even harder.

“Bàba! Look!” Hu Tao shouted.

Hu Tao had braided the entirety of her horse’s hair while they had been waiting on Qiqi, who was only now just getting back.

“Very pretty, Tao!” Zhongli called, because they were pretty far away from the horses.

“It’s nothing compared to how intricately braided Venti and Xiao’s tongues are!” Hu Tao responded.

Both of the fathers turned sharply to stare at their son, who was indeed making out with Venti.

“CUT IT OUT, YOU MONDSTADTIAN PIPSQUEAK!” Childe angrily barked.

They immediately stopped, incredibly embarrassed. Xiao begrudgingly stood and stepped onto his horse from where he sat on Venti’s, sitting down and not dignifying his parents with a glance.

“Parenting: complete,” Childe said.

“I remember when all we did was shout at Keqing to stop making out with Ganyu, years back,” Zhongli reminisced. “Then we learned that Ganyu was the one actually starting it and we let it go.”

“Now they only make out in private because we embarrassed them so much,” the ginger laughed.

Suddenly, the horses started moving, and the tour guide led their children slowly towards a forested path, in the general direction of the beach.

That was the signal. Immediately when they were out of sight and didn’t have to be parents, the two speed-walked to the car which they’d been standing so closely by. They took off towards the docks, boarded a tiny speedboat, and ended up at the most expensive restaurant in Natlan, which was on its own private island.

But we’ve had a surplus of Chili/Tartali/Zhongchi/Mochi today, so let’s follow the children this time.

“Stop taking pictures, Hu Tao,” Xiao ordered again, very annoyed.

“But— you’re so tiny on the horse—” Hu Tao giggled.

“I’m just as big as I normally am! Shut up!” Xiao raged.

“You know bàba would love these,” Hu Tao reasoned.

“Stop calling him that in public, it’s embarrassing,” Xiao huffed.

“Calling my dad ‘dad’ in Liyuean is embarrassing? I think it’s cute,” Ganyu interjected. “Calling him dad is what’s boring. Plus, you don’t protest calling our second dad papa just because it’s Snezhnayan!”

“Because papa is also Natlanian, Mondstadtian, and Fontanian, and isn’t childish,” Xiao said. “Bàba makes us sound like little kids.”

“You’re just a party pooper,” Venti giggled. “If I ever saw my dad, I’d call him papa, and my mom mama. But they’re always gone. You have a great opportunity to look like you have a functional family, take it while you can!”

“I’m not taking it if it makes my whole family look like little, dependent, weak children,” Xiao grumbled. “When I’m 18, I’m moving to Mondstadt without a second thought.”

“You’re just emo!” Hu Tao insulted.

“Alright, kids, we must quiet down to not startle the horses,” the tour guide interjected.

“Hell to the rules,” Xiao said, veering his horse off the path. “I’m done with this stupid ass family.”

“Doesn’t take much to piss him off these days,” Keqing noted calmly.

“Xiao, come on,” Venti called.

Xiao stopped his horse from moving, glancing back at his boyfriend. Venti beckoned him over, trying to get him to fall in line again and calm down, because he was clearly being uselessly dramatic.

“You’re the only tolerable person here,” Xiao noted.

“Thanks,” Venti laughed. “Please don’t go running off just because you were teased a bit! C’mon, we can follow the rules and afterwards get home safe and then prank everybody, just like at school. If we run off now, the police will be on us for stealing horses!”

“We?” Xiao asked.

“If you’re running, so am I,” Venti huffed. “But I’ve already broken laws before, and jail isn’t fun. And I was in the country of freedom’s jail. Imagine the country of war’s jail!”

“True,” Xiao contemplated. “We’ll just prank them later, then.”

Xiao turned his horse back onto the path, and the tour guide started moving again. All the horses followed at a brisk pace, the sights unfolding before them. Venti took Xiao’s hand, and they rode side-by-side until Xiao cooled down.

“You and your ridiculous temper,” Venti shook his head fondly.

“Says the insane one,” Xiao retorted.

“The AUDACITY!” Venti gasped. “I’m sane!”

“Sure you are,” Xiao smirked. “Sure.”

“Don’t look at me like that,” Venti ordered. “I’m not lying!”

“You’re the reason our chemistry lab exploded,” Xiao reasoned. “And why they had to add instructions about how to use the elevator.”

“That was mostly Albedo. Talk about actually insane,” Venti pouted. “But I only contributed a bit! And as for the elevator, that was an accident.”

“Let’s talk about the time you showed up to class drunk, then,” Xiao said.

“Itto was the one who brought the alcohol,” Venti defended himself.

“What goes down in that school?” Ganyu asked.

“Many things,” Xiao and Venti said at once.

“Terribly disgusting, regrettable, amazing things,” Venti added.

“Like you,” Xiao noted.

“Awww, you’re such a sap,” Venti grinned widely.

—

This time, when Zhongli and Childe got back to the hotel, the children were perfectly accounted for. Xiao and Hu Tao seemed to have had some kind of argument and were refusing to look at each other, but that was normal.

“Alright, glad you all made it back alive,” Childe clapped his hands together.

“Wanna see something?” Hu Tao snickered. “I got a photo of Xiao smiling.”

“Stop,” Xiao hissed.

“He had a hissy fit and started trying to leave but Venti got him back and he went suuuper soft for him and then he even smiled,” Hu Tao opened her phone, showing the images to her dads. “Doesn’t he look so short on that horse?”

“I am going to strangle you,” Xiao stood up from the couch.

“We should put the smiling one into the family album,” Zhongli pointed at the phone.

“We should caption it: ‘A rare phenomenon in the Xiao species, it seems our little son has learned how to move his mouth muscles in an upward fashion, a truly remarkable discovery,” Childe moved his hands away from each other in front of his face, as if presenting a large banner.

“Childe, I despise you,” Xiao marched over. “Hu Tao, I hate you more. I’ll bury you both.”

“But CPS will come at you if you hurt Childe,” Venti pointed out.

“I get that it’s a weird name, but come on,” Tartaglia sighed.

“Let’s all just calm down and watch a movie, eh?” Zhongli gave Hu Tao’s phone back to her. “I’ll find a theater nearby.”

—

They did indeed find a movie to watch. Half the movies were in common, so it wasn’t hard to find one they could understand; the harder part was finding one that was interesting. They inevitably ended up choosing something none of them had seen or heard of. It turned out to be shit.

They got many judgemental stares when the entire family laughed when the main character died (the blood looked like Kool Aid it was so fake), and when they randomly broke out in loud giggles at random moments (to anybody, a side character eating ramen was fine. But the low-quality slurping sound was so bad and clearly repeated more than once that they burst out laughing). In the end, they made a few enemies.

Finally, they headed back home, ate some dinner, and went to sleep.

—

Childe used his horrible alarm technique to awaken the children in the morning, earning many desperate and angered groans.

“Pack up your stuff! We’re checking out in an hour and heading to tour some castles,” he announced. “We’ll go to the beach for the rest of the day and then leave, so we won’t be coming back.”

“Why didn’t you tell us this earlier?” Ganyu exclaimed, pushing her covers off quickly. “I have a lot to pack!”

The family quickly got the packing, and Childe received a lot of hate that morning. When everything was finally stuffed in the car and the hotel room was thoroughly searched for missing items, they took off west, away from the beach, to go and start a castle tour.

I really hope Natlan has castles in the game, too. It had better if it’s based in South America. I would throw a fit if they don’t have at least some type of castle-like ruins! Literally, Genshin, please, I beg of you. We have to have some kind of ancient-castle-turned-tourist-destination or SOMETHING. Anyway,

“I’ve found the top three castles in the nation,” Zhongli said as he drove. “We’re going to hit them in a line.”

The kids all grunted in understanding, and the car ride continued on quite smoothly.

Cue the montage.

Venti was leaning into Hu Tao, the two of them laughing at something on Hu Tao’s phone. Xiao was sleeping, leaning against the side of the car. This did not go unnoticed, as a quick image flits across the scene of Venti snapping a picture of Xiao drooling.

The camera hovers slowly over to the front of the car, and we get a quick image of Ganyu reading top secret Snezhnayan documents like a bedtime story to Qiqi. Keqing was reading a book. Another scene appears over the scene: a hilarious capture of Qiqi getting way too into the story, falling forward into the documents, and face-planting onto the floor.

A few images of Zhongli checking his GPS and Childe looking out his window, leaning his elbow on the door, and the montage is over. Stop the cheesy song, bring back the car sounds, and activate microphones.

“We’re arriving at the first one,” Zhongli announced.

The car pulled slowly into a parking lot, and the sudden change from freeway to slow-movement startled Xiao awake. A moment later, the whole Morax family pooled out of the car. Hu Tao’s foot got stuck on a seatbelt as she tried to slide over the first row of seats, and she ended up tumbling into Keqing. Otherwise, all was smooth.

“Woah, a castle!” Venti gasped.

“Mondstadt is a castle,” Xiao pointed out. “Don’t be so surprised.”

“Yeah, but Mondstadt is inhabited,” Venti pointed out as if showing off his amazing vocabulary.

“Fun fact, this castle was inhabited a century ago, making it one of the most recently-used castles in Teyvat,” Zhongli informed.

“Don’t tell me you memorized all the fun facts,” Keqing groaned.

Zhongli refused to reply. Childe snickered quietly next to his husband, knowing Zhongli had stayed up late memorizing facts. He loved to tease Zhongli about it, even though he found it adorable that he tried so hard for something so useless.

The group walked around the castle, a good few rushing ahead to get to the top as fast as possible. That few included Venti, Xiao, Hu Tao, Qiqi, and Childe. Ganqing, being the most mature of the group, typically stuck with Zhongli and enjoyed talks with him.

“I’m going to climb up there,” Childe announced, pointing at the top of a very pointed roof.

“This is why we need dad to constantly supervise him,” Xiao muttered as Childe started hoisting himself up the ancient stones.

“I think he’s pretty fun. I mean, who else has an energetic, competitive, athletic, daring dad who doesn’t mind acting childish in front of his children?” Venti offered.

“Stop talking like you know what you’re talking about,” Xiao smacked him gently. “Don’t get philosophical.”

Venti just giggled and then took off after Tartaglia, attempting to catch up.

“They’re both idiots,” Zhongli mentioned from where he suddenly stood next to Xiao. “How did we both fall in love with idiots?”

“You raised me, you’re the one who’d know,” Xiao shrugged.

“Maybe it’s because they keep our lives interesting and bring us joy when there typically isn’t? Though, I do find myself entertained studying rocks alone,” Zhongli pondered.

“Studying rocks alone would get lonely eventually.”

“Exactly.”

“Xiangsheng!” Childe called.

Zhongli had already been watching, but when Childe called his name, he waved his way to signify that he was watching. Just like a parent at a playground.

“Think I could jump?” Childe shouted the question down from his peak, where he held on with his legs and an arm, using gravity to lean himself outward from the very peak of the turret roof. “Without dying, anyway.” Childe glanced around, gauging the height. “I’m jumping!”

“Tartaglia Morax, you absolute moron!” Zhongli shouted as his husband leapt from the peak.

Landing a meter in front of Zhongli and rolling to help with the impact, he stood up with a bounce and a grin.

“You are bleeding,” Zhongli crossed his arms disapprovingly.

“Kiss my injury?” Childe joked.

“I shall grab you a band aid once we get back to the car,” Zhongli responded simply.

“I’ll bleed out by then!” Childe protested. “And I have scapes all over, you know one band aid won’t do anything.”

Zhongli just walked past him to go and help Qiqi be tall enough to peer into a canon. Childe huffed with a smile.

Meanwhile, basically the same thing happened with Xiaoven, because parallelism.

“You,” Xiao hissed.

“Me?” Venti pointed at himself with a bloody hand.

“Why do you do this to me,” Xiao sighed. “Go find a bathroom and wash yourself off, dumbass.”

“Sure you don’t wanna kiss my boo boo?” Venti asked, just like Childe.

“Kiss yourself,” Xiao retorted.

“Would you watch?” Venti wriggled his eyebrows.

“Venti!” Xiao blushed.

“Whaaat?” Venti giggled.

“You’re nasty,” Xiao pointed out the obvious.

“I’m sure your parents watch each other touch thems–”

“Stop right now before I slice your eyes out,” Xiao slammed his hand atop Venti’s mouth. “Do not make me picture that.”

“Too late, isn’t it?”

“...I’m going to defenestrate you.”

—

First castle was a pretty big success, even if the biggest idiots there ended up getting injured because they decided to climb up the side of a castle and jump a whole story onto stones. In the end, they just continued on, and went to the second castle.

“This one is named Jeje Castillo,” Zhongli announced. “Jeje translates to Hehe, which is a common form of laughing. It was named this for unknown reasons. Important events that happened here: the king lived here and died unexpectedly after the wishbone of a chicken got stuck in his throat and he choked to death, then fell out of a window onto a stable boy, who also tragically died because the king was wearing a full set of metal armor and was so heavy that the pure weight crushed the boy.”

The whole car burst out laughing.

“No wonder it’s called hehe!” Keqing laughed. “That’s hilarious!”

“...Is there a joke I am not getting?” Zhongli asked.

“No, we’ve just got broken humor,” Hu Tao explained.

Zhongli clicked his tongue and sighed as the car kept laughing, even long after it was funny, just because laughs are contagious. And Childe’s laugh was so wackily hilarious that everyone laughed at it. Because Childe deserves to be bullied.

After the laughing subsided, the group walked into the castle, and they all got lost in the sights for a bit, until they realized something was wrong.

“We’ve lost someone, haven’t we?” Ganyu looked around.

“Uh,” Xiao glanced at the group. “Everyone’s here.”

“I found a lizard!” Venti suddenly announced. “Her name is Filipinine.”

“Thanks, Venti,” Xiao nodded. “But we’re trying to solve a mystery.”

“Oh,” Venti dropped the lizard and walked to his boyfriend.

“Bàba… he is missing,” Qiqi said.

“No, he’s right there,” Childe pointed next to him.

Everyone looked at where he was pointing, but nobody was there.

“We’re all going insane,” Tartaglia gaped at the spot.

“Well, he is easily mistaken for a rock, it’s understandable,” Hu Tao shrugged. “Anyway, he’ll probably find us.”

“This place is a maze,” Ganyu pointed out.

“He’ll just text us,” Keqing reassured.

“About that…” Childe laughed. “I have his phone. He always gives it to me because he doesn’t have enough pocket space.”

“How? He’s got a giant ass jacket!” Venti tilted his head.

“He collects rocks,” Ganyu answered.

“Oh.”

“Anyway, we should probably find him,” Keqing spoke up. “I say we split up into three groups.”

“We should never split up in a haunted place,” Hu Tao reasoned. “Then we’ll all miss out if any of us finds a ghost.”

“Hello,” a new voice spoke.

Everyone turned around to face the group of strangers who approached them. It was a group of four, three men and a girl, the girl clearly in her teens while the men were all adults.

“Sumerians?” Venti theorized in a whisper.

“I love Sumerians. They’re all grassy and shit,” Hu Tao whispered back.

Venti pointed at Hu Tao, nodding his validity with an understanding smile, basically saying ‘I getchu’.

“We’re looking for one of our group members,” one of the men said.

“Hashtag relatable,” Venti nodded.

“Why do you always act so weird with strangers?” Xiao protested.

“Every new stranger, a new personality!” Venti responded. “I once acted emo and got beat up, haha. I usually try to be a relatable teen because it’s funny.”

“I hate you.”

“Anyway,” the same black-haired man interrupted. “Do you have an adult in your group?”

Everyone was silent for a bit, and then Childe realized he was a dad and stepped forward with a smile.

“Have you seen a man with white hair wearing a jackal-themed sleeveless hoodie? He’s got darker skin and red eyes?” the man asked.

“Ah, no,” Childe frowned. “Have you seen a ridiculously dashing gentleman with a long brown ponytail and amber eyes? Pretty tall and always pale. Liyuean.”

“Nope,” the man sighed. “This is bad. Cyno’s going to get into a fight or something. Challenge a little tourist girl to TCG and get beat up by her mom.”

“Yeah, and my husband’s going to engage in a long conversation with strangers and bore them to death until he gets beat up,” Childe pondered with the stranger. “Though he does tend to charm strangers more than not.”

“Want to join a search party together?” one of the men who hadn’t spoken yet asked.

“Sure. I’m Tartaglia, or just Childe,” the ginger introduced.

“I’m Tighnari,” the man responded.

He was wearing a crop top hoodie, probably to cope with the heat. He was wearing Sumeru-style baggy, flowy pants the color of a pine forest, and Dr. Martins. The rest of the group introduced themselves.

Alhaitham, a man very similar to Zhongli who was very buff and sexy and Childe probably shouldn’t be thinking that seeing as he was married; Kaveh, the most energetic of them all (makes sense, he’s blond like that), and probably the one who convinced them to vacation; and Collei, who was very shy but seemed motivated to appear the opposite.

The group of tourists wandered around the castle, engaging in idle conversation while looking out for tour guides and other people to ask about their missing family members.

“So you’re one of Collei’s dads,” Childe went over it again. “And those two are your friends who are basically also her dads— kinda the opposite of my family. Two dads for a ton of children.”

“Yeah, we’ve just got a bunch of dads for one children,” Kaveh explained.

“We should team up and become a giant family,” Hu Tao, who’d been eavesdropping, intervened.

“Qiqi likes… Collei,” Qiqi spoke up. “I… want her as… sister.”

Collei blushed and hid behind Tighnari. She had barely spoken to Qiqi, how had she gotten her to like her?

“Like I’d ever be family with him,” Alhaitham huffed, eyeing Kaveh.

“Hey!” Kaveh barked angrily. “Fine, then. I’ll leave our house and marry Childe and get Cyno and Tighnari to join the polycule and you’ll be all left out.”

“Marrying someone you just met? Sounds smart,” Tighnari remarked sarcastically.

“I’d marry Kaveh,” Childe wrapped an arm around Kaveh’s shoulders.

“Yay! More dads!” Hu Tao clapped.

“Here, Collei, let me introduce your fifth father,” Kaveh beckoned Collei over. “He’s Snezhnayan and has like twenty Liyuean children… that sounds very suspicious, actually.”

“I’m not a kidnapper!” Tartaglia gasped. “I’m just a Snezhnayan government official.”

“Same thing,” Tighnari said.

“C’mon, Haitham, join the family.” Kaveh wrapped his arm around Childe’s shoulders, just like Childe had for him. Then he used his other arm to embrace Tighnari, and all the men were connected.

“I’m not interested in sharing you with others,” Alhaitham tutted, sending an amused glance Kaveh’s way.

“Oh, really?” Kaveh smirked. “Well, you’ll just have to come and take me away, then.”

“Too much effort,” Alhaitham shrugged.

“You ass!” Kaveh gasped. “You’re supposed to gracefully beat up my new husbands and take me away on a unicorn!”

“I just realized that life might be better without your constant nagging…”

“But I’ll run away to Liyue with Childe and his husband and Tighnari and Cyno and you’ll be left alone wishing I was still there with you. Doesn’t that sound lonely?”

“Nope.”

“Who’ll kiss you when I’m gone?”

“I’ll simply woo your mother.”

“Who taught you ur mom jokes??”

Abruptly, the bantering stopped when Childe dropped his arm from Kaveh and walked ahead.

“Xiangsheng?” he called.

The group went quiet, and rushed to catch up to Childe, who’d turned around a corner. When the wall that’d blocked their vision was well out of the way and they had a clear view of what was in front of them, they all gasped.

Childe had disappeared.

“This castle is consuming us!” Venti exclaimed, because that was the only logical explanation.

“He probably just went through a window or ran super extra fast down this hallway,” Kaveh reasoned.

“He is pretty speedy,” Hu Tao tapped her chin.

“He probably found bàba and is explaining the situation to him,” Ganyu suggested.

Meanwhile.

“You’re not Zhongli,” Childe crossed his arms.

“You just– you just climbed up the side of a castle–” the stranger looked wide-eyed over the edge.

“I started from the third story window, it wasn’t that far,” Childe waved it off. “Anyway, seen a super hot brown-haired surprisingly tall Liyuean man around?”

“Yeah, actually,” the rando nodded. “He said he was looking for a group of teenagers and a ginger.”

“I’m the ginger,” Childe grinned.

“Well, he’d gone to the Lost Children’s Place by the entrance to ask around,” they pointed over the edge of the castle wall, down at where the parking lot was.

“Great, thanks!” Childe nodded appreciatively, getting ready to jump off the side of the castle.

“Wait!” The stranger called. “Have you seen a similarly-hot man with black hair and brown-blue eyes who wears Dr. Martins?”

“Yeah! Tighnari?” Childe asked. “Are you Cyno?”

“Exactly,” Cyno nodded.

“I can bring you to him while I’m on my way to Zhongli. We’re searching for you both together,” Tartaglia explained.

So Childe scaled down the side of the castle, and Cyno decided to try and be cool too so he also did so. He fell. And a crunch echoed throughout the castle walls on impact. Childe peered his head out of the window, his eyes wide. He’d never considered that Cyno’s noodle arms were too weak to hold him!

Childe vaulted through the window and swung down to the ground like the ginger monkey he is, and when he reached Cyno, he gasped at the blood in the grass.

“Дерьмо.” Childe helped Cyno stand. “This isn’t good.”

“I’ve had worse.” Cyno tried to stand, but his ankle was twisted. His arm was clearly broken. As the two men wobbled towards their destination, the Lost Children’s Area, because that was probably also near the first aid, Cyno groaned in pain. “I’ll be fine, let’s go find Tighnari,” Cyno insisted.

“Uh, no,” Childe nearly laughed. “I admire your stubbornness, but man, you’re bleeding all over the place.”

Cyno huffed dramatically. They reached the first aid area, and Childe let the doctor take care of Cyno. An ambulance was soon called. Shit, now Childe had to go run and tell the group that Cyno was in the hospital, and that Zhongli was still missing!

But, one problem… he had no idea where the group was.

—

“Hey, I think I see Cyno!” Kaveh suddenly exclaimed.

“Kaveh, that’s a cactus.”

“You’re a cactus.”

“Thanks.”

“It was meant as an insult!”

“Stop bickering,” Tighnari slammed both their heads with his hands. “We have many children to watch over now, so focus.”

“Ummm,” Collei glanced around. “I think we lost one.”

“What?” the adults all turned to face the platoon of tiny people.

Qiqi was clearly gone.

“The castle is eating us!” Hu Tao concluded.

“No, it’s fine, I see her!” Keqing ran off through a random opening in a wall.

“WAIT!” Ganyu shouted.

Ganyu looked through the archway, but Keqing had disappeared down some stairs. The whole group decided that they didn’t want to lose another member, so they all followed Keqing.

When they reached the basement, they were all panting, and all fairly certain that Keqing must’ve left on some other floor.

“Alright, me, Xiao, Venti, and Hu Tao can search the basement, while the adults can go and check out the first floor. After twenty minutes we can reconvene at the second floor, okay?” Ganyu proposed.

So the groups set off.

Meanwhile, with Zhongli;

He was walking slowly through the many halls of the first floor. He’d just left the first aid area, where he’d hope to find Childe, because of his husband’s reckless behavior. With no luck, he’d left for the rest of the first floor, searching around for anyone he knew.

He’d stumbled upon one of the main attractions: a giant mess hall filled with food and long wooden tables. There was a burning fireplace and many windows and an endless ceiling. Although, it seemed to be lacking in humans. Then, he finally saw a sign of life.

“Hey!” a stranger called.

The black haired crop-top wearing man reached Zhongli and then paused in front of him.

“I’m trying to find a man named Cyno,” he explained. “He’s got white hair and a purple sleeveless hoodie and red eyes and he’s probably walking around acting stubborn.”

“Oh, I have seen someone of that description,” Zhongli smiled. “He was on the top floor, the fourth one, or also known as the roof.”

“Thanks!” Tighnari nodded and ran off. Then he paused just before he left the hall. “Hey, have you seen anyone named Zhongli?”

“Oh?” Zhongli tilted his head. “Why?”

“His husband’s looking for him. Though we can’t find him either. Or two of his children. Man, this is chaotic. And I’ve just lost the other two I’m with. Sorry, anyway, I’ll be going,” Tighnari quickly rushed out before Zhongli could reply.

Zhongli sighed, because that was his only lead this entire time. At least he’d organized half the castle staff to help him search for his family.

—

“Qiqi!” Keqing called out to the darkness of the third floor kitchen.

“Keqing?” the tiny voice replied.

“Why’d you run off?” Keqing panted.

“I saw… Papa,” Qiqi responded.

“Oh, Qiqi, you should’ve told us, we would have all run after him with you!” Keqing sighed. “Anyway, let’s get back to the group. They’ll be on the second floor right now.”

“Okay,” Qiqi nodded.

The two began walking, but were stopped just as they exited the kitchen.

“Hey, you there,” a staff member called. “Have you seen a ginger man with a group of teenagers?”

“Oh, yes!” Keqing nodded. “I’m one of the teenagers, and this is his daughter, Qiqi. We’ve been separated.”

The three staff members who’d been searching the third floor groaned.

“Do you know where they are?”

“They should all be on the second floor,” Keqing explained. “We’ll come with you.”

So the five of them all descended a flight of stairs and started searching the second floor. Unfortunately, nobody they knew was on that floor, because both the big groups were below them. Except one guy.

Childe was chilling in the boy’s bathroom on the third floor, knowing that the chance of finding a person who’d seen Zhongli was higher when in a more populated area. Bathrooms always had at least someone in them.

“I think I saw a few children, yeah,” some random man was saying while washing his hands. “They were headed for the basement.”

So Childe ran out of the bathroom and rushed down a few flights of stairs, right where Keqing and Qiqi and the staff members had been a minute ago. They continued to search the second floor.

“Did you hear that?” Venti asked. “Footsteps.”

“Yes, there tend to be footsteps in populated areas,” Xiao rolled his eyes.

“No, they were definitely Papa’s fat feet,” Hu Tao backed the Mondstadtian up.

“Don’t split up. Let’s all walk in the direction of the feet together,” Ganyu ordered.

The group walked down the hall towards the stairs, but found nobody there.

“Man, I swear it was him,” Hu Tao huffed.

“Maybe your last brain cell has finally dissipated,” Xiao pointed out helpfully.

“Took long enough,” Venti nodded.

“What- you’ve only known me for like, a week!” Hu Tao glared at Venti.

The group all sighed and turned back to their scanning of the basement, when they were startled.

“BOO!” Childe jumped out of the shadows.

Nobody was scared (but Venti, though he only jumped a little), and everyone started laughing.

“Man,” Childe smiled. “Took me long enough to find you. Hey, where’d Keqing and Qiqi go?”

“They’re missing,” Xiao explained.

Childe groaned.

—

“Wait… Zhongli?” Alhaitham asked as they found the man in a random hallway.

“Alhaitham?” Zhongli asked.

“It has been a while,” Alhaitham nodded in greeting.

“What? You know each other?” Kaveh asked.

“We went to his wedding, dumbass,” Alhaitham grumbled. “We play chess together.”

“Oh, yeah,” Kaveh nodded. “Wait wait— how didn’t we recognize Childe, and vice versa?”

“You were too drunk, he was too drunk, and I was reading a book,” Alhaitham explained. “I never took too long to observe Childe.”

“Have you seen my husband around here?” Zhongli asked.

“Yeah, we’re looking for him, and you, and Cyno, and two of your children,” Kaveh explained. “And Tighnari. He ran off.”

“Oh, I just met a man asking for Cyno. I told him he was on the top floor,” Zhongli said.

“Let’s go meet up with your children in the basement first, then we’ll find those two,” Kaveh said.

The three men thus proceeded to the basement. Seeing as it wasn’t too complicated because it was just the dungeons, they found the others really quickly.

“So we’re missing Keqing, Qiqi, Tighnari, and Cyno now,” Alhaitham sighed.

“About Cyno…” Childe laughed from where he stood in a prison cell with Hu Tao. “He’s kinda maybe in the hospital.”

“What.” Kaveh stated.

“He fell down two stories and broke his arm,” Childe chuckled to ease the tension.

“That stupid idiot,” Kaveh face-palmed.

“Stupid and idiot are synonyms,” Alhaitham interjected.

“Nobody loves you and you’re adopted,” Kaveh retorted.

“Hey, hey, no fighting!” Childe insisted. “We’ve gotta find Tighnari before he spends hours finding someone who isn’t here.”

So the group, which was finally mostly assembled, headed for the fourth floor. On their way, they were interrupted by a few staff members.

“Mr. Zhongli, we’ve found two of your children,” they said on the second floor.

After waiting for five minutes, Keqing and Qiqi joined the group, and they all headed upstairs. They found Tighnari peering into a canon, checking if Cyno was in there. Once they explained where Cyno had gone, Tighnari sighed in relief. He would freak out if he lost Cyno forever.

“Well, I guess we’ll be off to the hospital, then,” the three men said as the groups were separating.

“Good luck,” Venti waved.

The families started walking away from each other.

“Wait, shit, what the hell, oh no,” Kaveh suddenly spoke. “Where’s Collei?”

Both groups paused. They hadn’t seen her since they’d lost Qiqi.

Meanwhile, Collei sat peacefully at a table in the Lost Children’s Area, swinging her legs, waiting for her dads to find her.

“Let’s begin the search,” Zhongli led his family back towards the Sumerians.

—

It was an easy find, and after all the trouble that they went through, Childe offered the group to visit them that afternoon on the beach they rented. Kaveh agreed enthusiastically.

They skipped the next castle, and they decided to go to the beach for the rest of that long day. The sun was shining and the sky was blue and the waves were great, and Tighnari bargained with the hospital to get Cyno out early, so the group of five met up with the Sumerians at the beach just three hours after the castle incident.

In was an exhausting day, but luckily they had enough energy for a day of fun. Most of them splashed in the water, while Alhaitham reluctantly was pulled into sand-castle-building duty with Kaveh, Zhongli, and Qiqi. Ganyu, Collei, Xiao, and Keqing occasionally stopped by with handfuls of seashells they’d collected for decoration.

When the sun began to set, the two groups separated. 4ggravate + Collei were staying a few more days in Natlan, so they couldn’t stay long to Sumeru.

“Say goodbye to uncle Kaveh, Mist,” Venti made the little lizard wave at the group.

“How come I’m not an uncle?” Cyno muttered as the group trudged away through the sand.

“Because you’re the cool cousin!” Venti responded, making everything up as he went. “So is Tighnari, by marriage. And Alhaitham is the godfather!”

“If Kaveh’s an uncle, that means he’s my brother, which means I can’t marry him,” Childe reasoned.

“Uhhh let’s not get into logistics,” Venti waved it off. “He’s adopted or something.”

“Wait- marry?” Zhongli looked wide-eyed at his husband.

“Welcome to the polycule, darling,” Childe laughed.

—

“And that was the first official sighting of bigfoot. While no witnesses besides the later-found-mentally-ill 67 year old hermit witnessed the beast walking through the woods, a year later, an unrelated yet relevant little girl noticed fur identified with presence of unknown micro structure within the fibers of the hairs,” Liyuean father read.

Zhongli looked back and realized the entire car, even Mist, was asleep, so he stopped reading their bedtime story (aka the classified documents Qiqi yoinked). Childe was driving along a sad looking road, the tar all mashed up and coated with sand, the first sign that Sumeru was coming up.

“Should we wake them up for the border sign?” Childe asked with a yawn.

“I believe we have to, for tradition’s sake,” Zhongli nodded.

“Thus, we shalt!” Childe proclaimed.

Zhongli smiled at his husband’s ridiculousness, and leaned on his palm to look out the window. That’s when he saw the border sign drawing near, and a few building drawing nearer in the distance.

“We did tell them we’ll be spending the whole first day riding camels through the desert, right?” Zhongli fretted.

“Uhhh…” Childe pulled the car over to the side of the road. “I dunno. They’ll love it, I’m sure. Anyway, CHILDREN! AWAKEN!”

The whole car grumbled and stretched, trying to fix themselves after the bumpy, uncomfortable three-hour-long ride.

“Border sign,” Qiqi noted.

“Indeed,” Zhongli confirmed.

“It’s two in the morning! The sun hasn’t risen!” Venti protested.

“You’re not even one of my children, so who cares,” Childe shrugged. “Alright, no more procrastinating, Xiao, get your phone ready.”

Everyone stumbled and fell out of the car, dragging themselves towards the ugliest of the border signs so far. Probably because they're in the middle of absolute nowhere in nowhere town in a basically unmapped part of the earth.

Thus the photo from this border ended up looking horrible. Not just because of the lightning, but because everybody got rough sleep and bent over. Nobody but Childe and Hu Tao smiled. Eh, I guess it reflects their family well, and that’s all that matters…?

Anyway, Childe reminded everyone to stay awake, because the town was only a mile ahead. Once they got there, they realized it was the damn wild west, and the children counted a total of twelve buildings. Plus a well, which counted as 0.4 buildings.

“Yeehaw, bitch,” Hu Tao stood in the middle of the desert street.

“Back out now, coward, or you die tonight,” Keqing held out a twig for a gun.

The two were having a cowboy standoff in the middle of the street while everyone unloaded the car into their tiny room at the tiny inn in the tiny town.

“That’s not even the right culture,” Ganyu huffed as she dragged Xiao’s heavy ass suitcase out of the trunk.

“Oh, right,” Hu Tao paused. “Venti, give me Mist, we need to stick them in a pot and play the flute to them so they wiggle around.”

“Uh— sure?” Venti shrugged.

“That’s cultural appropriation and stereotyping,” Keqing pointed out.

“Cool!” Hu Tao stuck Mist into a tiny broken pot on the side of the road.

“Kids, come on, help us over here,” Childe sighed dramatically. “You’re waking up the whole town with your racket, and we’re only halfway down with this big-ass pile of shit.”

“Ooo, he be swearing, he’s grumpy,” Hu Tao ran over to the car.

“Hey, don’t leave Mist in that pot! What if a local kid tries to put lipstick on them!?”

“Whoopsies!”

—

The next morning, the adults told the kids to close their eyes and guided them down the mainstreet until they turned into a small stable. When they were permitted to see again, they were stunned. A camel for each of them stood before them, and they were all WAY taller than they imagined.
“We’re putting the luggage, besides the camping things, and the car on a land-ferry thing that will transport them across the desert, because there are no roads. We’ll be taking camels!” Childe exclaimed.

“A land-ferry?” Xiao rose a brow.

“It’s like this wacky giant Sumerian vehicle that drives over sand and transports cars like ferries,” Childe struggled to explain.

Anyway, the family all hoisted themselves onto camels (which they train to sit down first, and then you can actually reach their backs, because they’re REALLY tall standing up. I learned this from Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure, fun fact) and took off towards the desert. With a tour guide. Let’s not forget that. Because the parents aren’t so irresponsible that they just took camels off into the desert without a map or guide or anything.

As the day went by, the group became visibly more miserable. The tour guide kept a pretty peppy attitude, as well as Childe, but everyone else was growing weary from the heat. Luckily, Venti took it upon himself to provide amusement.

“So then, I said, ‘yo, man, this isn’t your apple, it’s mine’ and he shouted at me, ‘You’re just trying to brainwash me! I know it was my apple!’ but I laughed and shook my head. ‘It was always my apple, sir,’ I said. A month later, I was arrested for robbery, because it turned out that it wasn't a regular guy, it was a dead rich man’s son, Diluc! And he put an investigation team on me to find out if I stole it or not!” Venti laughed like this was a normal thing. “Turns out they studied the molecular structure and linked it to Diluc’s apples.”

“Wow, what an interesting story,” Keqing muttered, exhausted.

Nobody else responded because they were sleeping because sleeping is fun.

“Alright everybody, I see that the energy is dying down a little, lucky for you little ducks, we’ve got a whole ruin coming up!” the tour guide turned and announced.

“I’m not a duck,” Xiao protested tiredly.

“Aw, don’t ruin the spirit! You’re all little ducklings following your parents in a line!” the tour guide responded with horrible, terrifying optimism that could kill a depressed Snezhnayan.

“I’ll never follow Childe in a line!” Xiao announced. “He’s inferior to me.”

“You sure followed me closely when we tried to beat up that bear,” Childe pointed out.

“Shut up,” Xiao huffed angrily.

“Anyway,” the tour guide tried desperately. “Let’s all dismount and explore these ruins!”

While most got off their camels just fine, Hu Tao seemed to forget that they’re meant to sit down first, and she tried leaping off of hers. She was fine, but I thought it was funny to point it out. Maybe it wasn’t. Eh.

“So, our first rule is to…?” the tour guide prompted.

A tumbleweed bounced past.

“Not touch anything,” the tour guide finished for them. “Alright, ducklings, let’s enter through the Sumerian Desert Ruin Agency’s approved pre-opened ruin door!”

The tour guide walked off into the ruin, while the kids and childish adult ran towards the unopened door beside it.

“Three, two, one,” Childe counted, and everyone heaved the door open.

Suddenly, alarms went off.

“Alright everyone, remain calm, it appears there must be a tomb raid- WHAT! I told you all not to touch anything!” the tour guide ran back outside.

“Yeah but… mysterious door,” Venti pointed at the tiny side door they’d pushed open to reveal a secret room. Not so secret if the door was right beside the entrance, but whatever.

“We don’t know what traps live in these dangerous places… ugh, it’s fine. We learn from our mistakes. We’ll close the door and move on, okay? Problems can be solved with rational thinking! C’mon, friends!” the tour guide clapped their hands.

They heaved the door shut again, and then followed the peppy person inside.

“Now, we only have access to the first floor,” they said in a tour guide voice.

“But there are stairs right there!” Hu Tao pointed aggressively at some stairs leading downwards.

“Why, yes, but the Adventurer’s guild haven’t fully explored the place and gained the approval of the SDRA,” the tour guide held their hands behind their back patiently. Then they turned around, facing a giant pillar opposite the stairs. “This is a grand discovery for the Akademiyan Darshan, Haravatat, as they learned a lot of new letters from an ancient language when this pillar was discovered.”

They turned around to face the group again, but only Zhongli remained.

“Go on, I am quite fascinated about the ancient language,” Zhongli said innocently.

“Let’s go find your little shits,” the tour guide dragged Zhongli up the stairs.

Meanwhile, Xiao, Venti, Hu Tao, Qiqi, and Childe were all jumping on a mysterious floor tile.

“With enough weight, it should trigger that door to open,” Venti instructed. “We have wacky ruins all over Mondstadt!”

Unfortunately, when the button finally triggered, no doors opened. The stairs just turned into a slide.

“Oh, that’s cool too,” Venti noted.

“Hey, guys, what’s this?” Keqing observed a statue.

“Looks like a rock,” Xiao grumbled.

“That’s an intricate carving of an ancient god-like-figure in desert mythology,” Childe said matter-of-fact-ly.

Suddenly, a bunch of mechanical prism-looking goofy ahh triangle thingies spawned and started attacking everyone.

Childe and Hu Tao jumped into the fray without a second thought, using their respective martial art skills to beat up everyone. While Hu Tao never really listened to Childe like a father, she was quite the daddy’s girl. She learned tons of battle techniques (and ukulele!) from him in her free time.

“Oh em gee, Xiao, you should go and fight too, it’d be badass! Let’s get a selfie!” Venti exclaimed.

Meanwhile, Zhongli and the tour guide were at the bottom of the slide-stairs, listening to the sounds of battle.

“Have you ever heard of Osmanthus wine?”

—

Inevitably, the authorities came and kicked the group out of the dungeons, and they continued on their journey. This time, there was more conversation.

“And then I smacked it like WOOSH WASH!” Hu Tao shouted. “Look at this epic scar!”

“Hu Tao, that’s a birthmark—”

“Shut your toes, Ciao. Anyway, the scar looks like a cat-scratch, right? I think I could say I had an epic battle with twenty leopards!” Hu Tao finished.

“And this scar could pass as me getting shot, right? Getting shot is pretty cool,” Childe nodded, thinking up fake stories.

“You’ve been shot enough times, Childe. And you have plenty of scars. Hu Tao, I am proud you karate’d a ton of ancient mechanisms, but are you in any pain?” Zhongli parented.

“I’m fine, bàba,” Hu Tao rolled her eyes.

Meanwhile, the tour guide was trying to act normal, but HOLY SHIT why is this family SO WEIRD? They’ve toured an internationally-known Fontainian soccer team throughout the entire desert and thought their prissiness was exhausting, but this family? They’re only known them for a day, and the tour/voyage was only two days long– but they didn’t think they could survive this. At least the damn Fontainians listened when they pointed out a highly dangerous trap!

But who cares about the mental sanity of a tour guide? Certainly not the Morax family!

“I… hugged a cactus,” Qiqi’s quiet voice peeped out, somehow understandable despite the fact that she had leapt off of her camel and ran pretty far away. “Hurts.”

“Qiqi, you blithering idiot, bloody hell, love,” Childe exclaimed.

“Wha’ the ‘ell, Qiqi?” Hu Tao crossed her arms. “Tha’s dangerous, mate!”

“Why in the Chasm are you guys British?” Xiao asked moodily.

“We’re just jolly good chums,” Venti grinned. “Doing chummy chum tea things.”

“You were watching British dramas just now, weren’t you?” Xiao sighed.

The three had been riding extremely close together, after all.

“Ginger dad, this is no time for joking around, Qiqi’s hurt,” Keqing said crossly like the only adult in the room she is.

So the group took a minute to handle the situation, and when they got back on their camels, Xiao couldn’t help but notice that once again, his boyfriend, sister, and secondary expendable father were huddled as close as possible, watching Venti’s phone. The tour guide noticed too.

“Hey everyone! While the journey may be a bit boring, it won’t be in a few minutes, because we’re about to pass by an ancient Deshret pyramid, excavated out of the ground only three years ago!” they announced.

Everyone but a certain trio looked around. Xiao grumbled in emo, because he wanted his boyfriend to pay attention, even if he himself didn’t care about the stupid ass pyramids. Even if he doesn’t care about things, he does care about Venti caring, because then he gets to see his reaction and make fun of him. Without Venti to make fun of, he’d burst with angry judgemental energy.

So he had a solution: grumble and sigh even harder.

Venti seemed to sense no difference, and kept his eyes glued on whatever shitty British show they were watching. I can’t think of anything but the Great British Baking show rn so let’s go with that. They’re watching people angrily bake.

“Hey! While that pyramid was just a pyramid, this one isn't! We’re nearing the biggest pyramid in the desert, which you won’t want to miss. It even has an upside down pyramid on top of it, which defies logic, you’ve gotta see!” the tour guide attempted again.

The trio didn’t care.

Kids and their screens these days, right?

So, because Childe, Venti, and Hu Tao wouldn’t give in, Xiao took it into his own hands. Physically.

Shoving Hu Tao aggressively in the side, she domino’d into Venti and thus Childe, and they all fell to the ground in a pile of limbs. The collision sent Venti’s phone flying. Xiao caught it easily, and proceeded to put parental controls on Venti’s Netflix account.

“That’s what you get,” Xiao tossed the phone at the limb pile.

“As sexy as you are when you’re unreasonably mad, I’m kinda not appreciating this,” Venti brushed the sand off his phone.

“I’m not sexy when I’m mad, stop saying that,” Xiao blushed, much angy.

“Then you’re… cute?”

“Them fighting words.”

“Then let’s fight, darling.”

“Fight me with your tongue–”

“ALRIGHT, STOP IT!” Childe was turning red. “Please don’t make me picture that I’m actually going to bury myself in the sand. Venti, get back on your camel, we’ve gotta move.”

The three made their camels sit and hopped back on, and thus they continued as normal. But Venti kept sending winks at Xiao and Childe was struggling horribly to ignore it.

Ik that interaction was useless but we needed something to happen. Ykw I’ll just time skip.

—

The next morning, after sleeping in horribly sandy tents in the murderous sun, they traveled across the rest of the desert and made it to the rainforest. Their second day in Sumeru was pretty uneventful, because half of it was riding, and by the time they made it to Sumeru City, the sun was beginning its decent.

Opting for a cozy afternoon, the family went out to eat, and then spent the rest of the day playing video games in their hotel room.

Hu Tao decided to go on a walk with Qiqi for a bit, and Zhongli went to the market for funsies, but everyone else opted for a Mario Kart tournament.

“HOW DARE YOU, BABY MARIO!” Venti screeched.

“SORRY!” Ganyu didn’t want to suffer Venti’s rage.

“Wario, get your ass back here,” Xiao said calmly, with hidden malice.

“Never,” Keqing smirked, glancing at the tiny 1st place in the corner.

“Who the hell is peach?” Ganyu asked.

“Me,” Childe just passed half the competition with a bullet.

“You cheating, conniving shit,” Venti hissed at the screen.

“Whoopsies,” Childe laughed as he passed Venti.

The game got intense, until finally Keqing won, nearly tied with Xiao, tailed by Childe.

“THAT WAS THE LAST LAP???” Venti shouted in confusion.

Suddenly, the door burst open.

“Papa, Tao is… broken,” Qiqi looked distressed as she dragged Hu Tao into the room.

She seemed a bit out of it, her cheeks dusted pink, smiling, her eyes bright.

“Looks like you’ve seen a ghost,” Ganyu said.

“A ghost you say? A ghost maybe. She was just like a ghost to me— One minute there, then she was gone!” Hu Tao poetically spoke.

“Is Hu Tao in love at last?” Keqing asked, eyes wide.

“Had you seen her today you might know how it feels, to be struck to the bone in a moment of breathless delight,” Hu Tao twirled around and sat on the bed.

“Please, we get it, stop reciting Les Mis,” Xiao sighed. “Can we go back to Mario Kart?”

But it was too late, the mystical feel of musical lyrics drew the attention of everyone.

“Girl, tell me everything,” Childe grinned.

“She had pink hair, but with tints of orange. Not Road Work Ahead orange, but orange like the sunsets,” Hu Tao said wistfully. “She was studying law at the Akademiya. The law! How sexy is that? And when we finished talking, she wrote her number on my arm and asked me out tonight!”

“Holy shit,” Ganyu was agog, she was aghast! “You’re in deep.”

And that was how Hu Tao came out to her family.

—

That night, the whole family helped dress Hu Tao up for her date, and then sent her off with tears and waves. She hissed at them to stop being embarrassing and ran off, decked out in cute earrings from Venti, a dress from Keqing, boots from Xiao, adorable rings and bracelets from Ganyu, and a ton of confidence from Childe.

Qiqi gave her a flower for her to gift Yanfei; it was a Qixing that the toddler had smuggled from home. Zhongli came back from the market three minutes after Hu Tao left, seeing his family engrossed in a game of Smash Bros. Shrugging, he thought everything was normal.

—

Their third day was spent visiting tour-y places like they did in Fontaine, but this time with a new group member.

“I am Yanfei, pleasure to meet you,” Yanfei stuck out her hand confidently.

“The honor is mine,” Zhongli took her hand. “Tell me about yourself.”

“Where’re you from?”

“Family?”

“Do you… know cocogoat?”

“Why the law? I find it quite a useless subject.”

The questions halted when they heard the cracking of knuckles. The family moved out of the way as Childe menacingly yet gayly walked forward like a mob boss (which he kinda is), glaring down at Yanfei.

“Please, Papa, don’t pull a Fernando,” Hu Tao pleaded.

“What’s a Fernando…?” Yanfei watched as Childe finally paused in front of her.

“Age?” Childe demanded.

“16, sir,” Yanfei saluted.

“Reason for dating Hu Tao?”

“Uh… she’s hot as hell? And honestly, I’ve never met anyone like her. I haven’t laughed in two months, and that streak was broken last night because of her! She’s absolutely hilarious and has amazing ideas. Like, how could I live without knowing that you can steal Snezhnayan files so easily? Now I’ve gotta do it!” Yanfei ranted.

“I like you energy,” Childe lessened his frown. “Income?”

“I’m a student. But after I graduate, probably six digits,” Yanfei grinned.

“I’m keeping my eye on you,” Childe huffed. “You could be leeching my daughter for money for student debt.”

“That’s respectable,” Yanfei shrugged.

So yet another random love interest hopped on the Morax train. Now the only single one is Qiqi. I’m jk please don’t call the FBI on me I’m just kidding I SWEAR–

First stop, house of Daena.

“Book,” Venti noted, holding Xiao’s hand cutely.

“Yes,” Xiao nodded.

“Man, your romantic conversations are so deep,” Ganyu teased.

“Shut up,” Xiao defended. “He’s cute, you know it.”

“Awww, I’m cute?”

“Shut up.”

“Make me—”

“Nope nope nope,” Childe intervened. “I’ll stop you before that gets dirty. Let’s go sneak into Alhaitham’s office, okay?”

“Huh?” Zhongli asked, alarmed.

Childe grinned and took out Alhaitham’s office keys from his pocket.

“You always gotta pickpocket the homies,” he reasoned.

So they snuck towards the Acting Grand Sage’s office.

Hu Tao and Yanfei rolled across the bookshelves and nasty icky floor with finger guns, singing Mission Impossible songs and wearing sunglasses they’d nicked off of blind guys (when anyone asked how they said ‘they’re blind, they can tell they’re missing’). Everyone else was pretty normal.

They sneakily hopped onto the elevator, and Childe pressed the top floor, inserting the keys so that the elevator knew they had permission to be there. With a jolt, it started moving.

“Holy shit there are no rails,” Keqing held Qiqi close.

“Weeeeee!” Venti was on his stomach, his head over the edge.

Hu Tao and Yanfei joined them. Xiao felt peer pressured so he did as well.

“Should we parent?” Childe questioned.

“If one of them loses a head, they’ll learn their lesson,” Zhongli shrugged.

“Ooo, the nonchalant casual parenting technique, that’s a sexy look on you,” Childe wiggled his eyebrows.

“You say that about every new thing I do,” Zhongli smiled.

“I can’t help that your entire existence is so sexy you basically invented sex itsel—”

“STOP, PLEASE!” Ganyu covered her ears.

The dysfunctional(?) family finally reached Alhaitham’s office, and were surprised at how bland the space was.

“There are just books,” Hu Tao sighed.

“Let’s find the diary,” Yanfei giggled evilly and ran towards the desk.

Hu Tao and Venti ran after her.

“I don’t believe we can dawdle here too long,” Zhongli glanced around at the security cameras. “They will suspect us soon.”

“Meh, like we haven’t been arrested before,” Childe winked. “Remember high school?”

“Don’t remind me,” Zhongli breathed out through his nose in a huffy fashion.

While this sounds like interesting lore, we’re not getting into it, because it’s interesting mysterious lore. Let’s check up on the diary. The other lore.

“Why doesn’t he have a diary?” Hu Tao complained.

“Yeah, it’s weird. Everyone in books and movies has a secret diary that their crush opens or something and it’s a main turning point in the plot,” Venti kicked the ground.

“Do you have a diary?” Yanfei asked.

“No? Why would I? I don’t need to write out emotions, I can just think them,” Venti laughed. “Oh— yeah, I get your point.”

“So, I guess plot convenience doesn’t exist in real life,” Yanfei concluded. “I’m going to read his personal book collection.”

“I’ll sexily read over your shoulder,” Hu Tao said.

“I’ll sexily read over both your shoulders to assert dominance… even though I can barely read,” Venti shrugged and joined the tiny congo line.

“Hey, what’s this?” Hu Tao pointed at some scribbles on the side of the page.

“Notes in the margins… classic Sumerian shit, right there,” Venti nodded wisely.

Yanfei twisted the book around and started reading the neat handwriting.

“‘This specific sentence condones…’ blah blah blah lemme get to the good stuff ummm… oh my god, listen; ‘which is why it reminds me of the way Kaveh smiles in the mornings. I can’t get my mind off of it today. I decided to make him breakfast, as usual, but this time I added some herbs from the garden, and his smile did something to me’,” Yanfei cut off, giggling.

“Aw, look, it’s in their pre-relationship years,” Venti pointed at the date written alongside the note, which said this was from a few years ago. “That’s some juicy plot convenience right there, sir.”

“So instead of having a diary, he’s just writing in the margins of books, disguising them as notes…” Hu Tao devilishly smirked at the other two in their group, and they immediately all grabbed a book, and started reading like studious children.

“What’s going on over there?” Ganyu looked at the trio.

The three were sitting on the floor giggling, and then suddenly blushing intensely, slamming a mysterious book shut and tossing it to the side, cursing it.

“Huh… maybe Alhaitham likes to read… y’know, stuff,” Keqing shrugged.

“Oh…”

—

In the end, the security banned them from the house of Daena… and the entire Akademiya. Hu Tao was spontaneously smart enough to explain that Yanfei was pulled along by friends and actually had immunity to being thrown out because she’s a student, but otherwise, they were banned.

Not without stealing a few books though.

“This one’s from… SIX YEARS AGO? Did they still use flip phones back then? Wait, holy shit it’s an entry from when they first moved in together,” Yanfei laughed with glee as the other two (plus a curious Childe and Xiao) gathered around.

“‘He showed up at my door today, just as I was busy finishing off forgetting him’, that’s gay as hell, anyway, ‘he begged me to allow him to stay. I asked why he didn’t choose Cyno’s or Nilou’s, he said they didn’t have space. I did what I could to push him out, but I gave in eventually’,” Yanfei laughed.

So the group laughed at a few gay journal entries for a few hours, until they realized they had no lives and should probably move on.

The rest of the day was spent very casually. They visited the bazaar, watched a dance, participated in a few local fishing techniques (especially Childe, bc he’s white), and ended the day by watching cheap Bollywood films.

Next morning, their epic journey was nearing its end. The family packed up all of their things, bid Yanfei goodbye, and began their drive home.

Cue the final montage.

Venti, Xiao, Hu Tao, and Mist sat in the back as usual. An image flits across the screen of the three trying to get Mist to say their names and do little circus tricks. Another image takes over the screen, this one of Venti completely knocked out, drooling on Hu Tao. Xiao looked very comfortable cuddling Mist.

With a view of the girls in the front, we can see Ganyu and Keqing doing their usual long-term relationship things, like talking about colleges and the future, while Qiqi just read over the classified Russian files.

Finally, the camera pans over to the fathers of this chaotic bunch. Childe was driving, half-asleep like a responsible person, while Zhongli was sleeping with a sleep-mask on. As the camera zooms out through a window, the rising sun can be seen in the distance, and a few birds fly across the screen.

The family arrived back in Liyue Harbor without any problems. First, they dropped Keqing off, and then they went to their house for unpacking. Once everyone was settled down (it took three hours), Xiao bid goodbye to Venti with a very sweet and unexpected hug. Venti smiled and waved at the whole family, then took off on Xiao’s old bike that he’s too emo to ride anymore, Mist sitting on the handlebars.

He dropped the tiny reptile off with Baizhu, and then rode the bike all the way to Mondstadt, because why not and yolo.

“Welp, that was fun,” Ganyu said when the house was quiet, after Venti had closed the door.

“I’m going to play video games,” Xiao muttered and walked away.

The kids clear out of the room pretty fast, abandoning what could have been a very sweet family bonding moment where they talk about the epic vacation they just had.

“I think we should go to Inazuma, just the two of us,” Childe proposed.

But that’s for a later time.

The End.

Post script:

Alhaitham gasped as he entered his office. He was tired from his chaotic trip, fumed up on rage from such a long time spent around annoying people. Even if he loved them, they were a bit much sometimes, and he always needed a break.

So when he arrived at his office, expecting some nice paperwork to numbly occupy his ravaged brain, to see his office lacking in certain very top-secret files (diary entries cough) he was stunned.

“Who the hell? Why?” Alhaitham’s brain replayed what he wrote in those.

The cringey pining phase.

The ancient times when he wrote whole paragraphs about how beautiful Kaveh’s hair was.

The horrible embarrassing first dating notes.

Archons, he was going to die.

He needed to find where they went. If anyone read them, he might as well make a Sumerian Sakoku decree, ultimately blocking off anybody from coming in and out, so nobody could spread the news. Surely…

Oh. He just remembered.

His face flushed red with embarrassment. A year before they got together, when the pining was frfr, he’d written some… questionable material in those entries. Alhaitham collapsed into his chair. This would be his downfall. If this got out, everyone would laugh at him. He wouldn’t be able to be Acting Grand Sage for much longer, never mind a scribe.

Suddenly he wished he could hop right back on a high-speed plane and resume his Natlanian vacation, annoying friends and all. If the public knew about such… uh, intimate writings in Alhaitham’s personal collection of notes— he didn’t want to think about it.

Meanwhile, Venti sat on his couch, pulling out the nastiest diary that Hu Tao swore she’d burn later. He’d stuffed it into his hoodie pocket before she realized it.

Snickering, he opened it up, and began copying it down into his Notes app, ready to make it into fanfiction material.