Chapter Text
Being born in a time during which the understanding of mental health and the struggles and trauma it can cause is very low can be complicated for someone with these type of issues, and Gon was the living proof of it.
His disorder developed when he started speaking, age at which nobody ever suspected a thing. His mother, from a wealthy family, had accepted to leave everything behind and cut off her family for a new life with Gon's father. Father, who left as soon as she ended up pregnant. However, the young mother was chronically sick, and she could not work or do anything too physical. Not only that, but finding help was hard, principally since the boy was born near the beginning of the second world war. Therefore, Gon was basically raised in the streets of Nebaska, city in which he was born. His mother, even if sweet and caring, had much more important things to worry about than why her two year old baby couldn't form a correct sentence, or why he started crying randomly in the day.
Gon was abandoned by his mother, left off at an orphanage by the ripe age of five, at which he'd already grown largely emotionally attached to her. It was a hard process for the both of them, but it was necessary: Gon's mother passed away in the streets in the following week, from her condition. She'd felt it coming, and she knew it was the best for her son. At least, she'd left him somewhere where he could eat and rest.
The best suggests there's not better, and even if there isn't, it doesn't make it automatically good at all. Growing up in the "Angel's Shelter" had been, to Gon like very single one of his cellmates, absolute torture. Neglected, abused, ignored and tortured of forced isolation, the literal babies and children of Nebaska's only orphanage were oftentimes left to cry in their own misery for the tiniest misbehaviors. Sometimes, just because an assistant was feeling moody. They would be punished harshly, beat as soon as they reached the age of four, fed only if they were exemplary and eventually tormented by the elders who, living in this environment for most of their lives, had grown to become vile like those they unwillingly frequented. Gon was not spared of the treatment, and he grew up in conditions he was absolutely not ready for. The lack of care and affection he suffered from marked his soul. His next two years, those he spent at the orphanage, were probably the most trauma inducing of his life, and they greatly amplified the symptoms of the disease that, still, nobody noticed. Eventually, he was sent over to "Hopeful Orphans", the orphanage of a nearby city.
Hopeful Orphans was a bit better than Angel's Shelter, mainly because it wasn't as charged of children, because it was in a smaller city and because most of the workers hadn't grown up in an orphanage themselves and were actually sane people who never had to go through such traumatic experience and wanted payback on children. Nonetheless, it's in there and by the age of seven that Gon experienced his first schizophrenic episode ever, which lasted about four days.
The first three times Gon had a breakdown over these symptoms, he was either ignored or punished for it. Eventually, Cheadle, one of the workers of the orphanage, noticing how recurrent those were, started being worried. Paired up with his episodes, his weird dreams or impossible claims, she decided it would be better to take him to a psychiatrist. By then, he was eight.
Largely under the usual age for these type of harsh problems, he was never even taken into consideration by the specialists who, only then starting to diagnose people with such disorder, were already mistrustful as it was. Gon was taken back to Hopeful Orphans without any sort of help, and eventually was sent to a new, stricter orphanage for his "derogatory" behavior.
By the age of ten, Gon had lived in five different orphanages in the course of barely five years. At that point, his syndromes had become extremely overwhelming. He sometimes would spend days sat in a corner, crying. He wouldn't eat, he'd loose enormous amounts of weight in very short periods of time. He never slept, he was terrified of the dark and nothing would do. The orphanages had tried everything, but eventually just gave up on him. When he was finally adopted, it was more of a relief to see him go than a shared happiness.
Kite only ever took Gon under his wing because he was feeling tremendously solitary. He was a very rich young man, bored of the sad emotional emptiness of his life. He'd heard from an orphanage worker that Gon was calm and silent, and it sounded just about perfect company to him. However, finding a child in such state caused him to reconsider his choices. In the end, he decided he would keep Gon, and he would help him.
Making Gon feel "home" when he'd never even had one was a tricky thing to do, but Kite knew it was the place to start. It took him a very little amount of time to understand how terrified of the dark Gon was, and to understand he didn't want to be left alone. To counter both of these issues, Kite bought Gon lots of covers and lots, lots, lots of large stuffed animals and a nightlight to keep his room lit up. Some of his teddy bears even had shiny hearts or buttons he could press to have a bit of light and a lullaby. He'd also read in some children books that pink was a warm and calming color that could help babies sleep, so he'd invested in pink sheets, pillows and covers. Even tho it was better, and even tho he seemed very grateful, Gon still wouldn't sleep at night. He'd sit in his bed and talk to his toys, to his walls, dance to their music, only to fall asleep as soon as the sun started to rise. Desperate, Kite finally decided to take the idea further by installing a tiny television in Gon's bedroom.
And it worked.
The week after the miraculous purchase, Gon slept like a baby every night. Now rested, he started eating properly again and regaining weight. After the hype of the first week, his progress stagnated, but it was still significantly better than before. Gon was holding up well.
After a month of having Gon in his house, however, Kite still couldn't understand what was so triggering to him. He understood he probably had lots of trauma, but he feared they had spiked, or awakened something in him. Something very unfortunate.
Only a few weeks after Gon started sleeping again, he saw a therapist for the second time of his life. Despite all he'd been through, Gon was actually pretty normal. He was polite, respectful and reserved. However, he had uncertain and unexplainable behaviors and, just like when he was two, he'd sometimes form completely incoherent sentences, multiple in a row, without ever noticing, even if he's told about it. Every once in a while he'd stare into nothing or talk to a wall.
His psychiatrist didn't really know what was going on. Gon was sent home and Kite was told he was simply attention seeking, but he didn't believe it, and a week later, Gon met up with a new psychiatrist.
It took a few more before one of them caught onto what was going on but eventually, a therapist by the name of Biscuit Kruger (or Bisky as she made Gon call her) accepted to take Gon in for a longer time; "As long as he needs it, and that's going to be a long time.", she'd said.
In the following years, Bisky tried multiple times to have Gon diagnosed with schizophrenia. Everytime, the diagnosis was refused.
In the year following Gon's adoption, Kite had also discovered he knew who his genetic father was. He, with Gon's agreement, was going to look for him in an attempt to have them meet.
Gon started going to school after a year at Kite's house. He was a year behind on the program and he had a hard time focusing. He was oftentimes punished for not listening or doing something he isn't supposed to, sometimes spacing out. He tried his best but it was hard, considering how overwhelming everything felt, to the sight, to the ear, and principally to the touch.
Gon grew to be fond of school, despite his troubles. He found the punishments okay and appropriate, his teachers still legally allowed to hit students but his school's policy against it. He found his classmates understanding, even tho they were only eleven, most of them worried about his panic attacks instead of bullying him. He made friends very easily, seeing as he was caring and imaginative, he could come up with original games that had everyone invested. By the age of fourteen, Gon had even gotten a boyfriend, which he hid from his classmates for obvious reasons, but who made him happier to go to school every morning, and who he'd announced to his adoptive father almost immediately.
Kite didn't really know how to feel about it. He didn't exactly like the idea, but Gon seemed so sincerely joyful of it, and said boyfriend looked down at him like nothing else existed. Who was he to interrupt their happiness? Therefore, he stayed silent.
Killua was a scary kid. He, of his cold and reserved nature, tended to push people away of a simple look. He didn't play, he barely ate, and he never spoke. When they had to play theater or read a poem, Killua always left the classroom, despite his teachers' remarks and words of protest. All he did was work and sit down and read all day, everyday, or play sports, when it was cold outside and nobody else wanted to. Gon, too in his own bubble to notice any of those subtle signs, had ran up to Killua when he saw him sitting alone, outside. From that day and on, they spent most of their lunch breaks together, while Killua helped Gon learn to read faster. Gon was probably the first and last person in the whole school to ever hear Killua's voice.
Eventually, Gon was able to integrate Killua to his friend group, even tho he still wouldn't speak. Gon did not ask why, he didn't need to know.
Killua wasn't exactly the type to show his emotions much, but he'd, faster than expected, fallen head over heels for Gon. Gon loved him in return, mesmerized by his funny and interesting personality, as well as by his impressive intelligence. They'd eventually bonded more over homework they'd do together. One of the Sunday afternoons they spent studying in Gon's room happened to be when he admitted the way he felt about his friend, who responded without a word.
Not only that, but Kite eventually found a lead to Gon's father. Her name was Mito, and she was his cousin, Gon's aunt. She had no idea of his existence, and had accepted to travel overseas to come meet him. Gon was extremely excited for it to finally happen. He just had to wait a few months until summer, time at which she would finally come.
The cherry on top had been that, when he reached the age of fifteen, and so over ten years after the beginning of his unending suffering, Bisky had finally gotten Gon diagnosed. He would finally start a treatment. Kite and all of his closest friends were extremely happy for him. Gon felt excited, even if somewhat scared. He'd lived his entire life this way, he'd believed most of it everyone was like that and there was nothing wrong with him. But he was glad he was finally going to experience what a (almost) normal life was like.
Even tho he was fifteen, Gon's room was the exact same as five years previously. Nightlight still there, everything painted pink, his tv constantly on with the lowest sound settings, his plushies sat upright all over the room - the only thing to have changed was his bed, now a size bigger.
Gon, principally during his episodes, tended to have very violent, explicit, gory visions and hallucinations. They lasted minutes, sometimes hours, and even tho they were always there, they always made themselves overly numerous in the dark, or in the silence, or whenever he was alone. They walked past, by and through him, and they printed themselves in his eyelids, and everytime he closed his eyes, he felt like he had to revive every single one of them in slow motion. His mother, oftentimes incorporated, added to the horror. He missed her like crazy and she haunted him. He'd discovered the meaning of the word death a month after their last goodbyes.
It was the main reason why only a television could help him fall asleep - along with music, they drowned her voice, except that lullabies oftentimes brought him back to her, and therefore why simple white noise from some television show was still the best option. It also made him feel like he was never alone, which calmed down his mind. It didn't stop his episodes nor his hallucinations from happening, but it tamed them down. All he needed was something to constantly keep him in touch with reality, and it's why he oftentimes opted to stay awake. Unconsciousness is as close to crazy as one who isn't gets, and Gon felt vulnerable.
Sometimes he wondered why his issues got worse at night, and he never could find an answer. Subconsciously, he knew it was from the ways he'd been treated back at the Angel's Shelter. He profusely hoped he was the only orphan child to suffer such harsh consequences, because really, he didn't wish what he went through every day upon anyone. He hoped he was just more sensitive than the others, which he was. But he knew those newborn babies were not getting out of there intact. He knew it, that orphanage was raising depressed people and psychopathic adults exclusively, to his largest misfortune.