Chapter Text
"How's it going everybody. Who's ready to get right back into this paranormal detective show, of which there has so far been almost no paranormal activity and literally no detective work." Danny starts, moving his hands quit passionately while he talks.
"Hey! I figured out Atsushi was the tiger! That has to count for something!" Dazai shouted in mock outrage. "Kunikida was there too I guess." Dazai clearly mocked Kunikida while smiling cheekily. Kunikida's pen snapped, but he simply sighed and rubbed his forehead.
"Dang, the Port Mafia was right, we do kind of suck." Yosano said solemnly. "Yes Ranpo, don't start. We know you're the best detective in the world."
"Look that's not a criticism of the show, I'm just laying the facts out as I see them." Danny continued, taking on a slightly more cheerful tone. "That being said that is in no way going to deter from getting this show, so, let's get into it."
The scene jumps to Atsushi sitting in a restaurant booth with Dazai and Kunikida, Dazai bodding back and forth slowly, sitting at the counter area while a woman seems to be cleaning dishes. Tanizaki starts talking in an apologetic tone, "I know it was for a test, but I was still really rude to you." The angle jumped jumped over to him slumping slightly and we see Naomi is sitting next to him.
"My name's Junichiro Tanizaki. Can you ever forgive me?"
"Yeah man, no worries. You were like, barely rude, totally forgive you."
"So, it's not just an Atsushi thing? All detectives are this pathetic?" Akutagawa mocked.\
"No, that's just a Tanizaki and Atsushi thing," Yosano added on.
"I think the barely rude is kind of downplaying what I did... I mean, I did threaten to kill people and blow stuff up...." Tanizaki said sheepishly, rubbing his neck.
"It's ok, big brother! I've always liked bad boys" Naomi giggled with a smirk.
The Akutagawa siblings shuddered in disgust and moved slightly away from each other. "Oh, you haven't even seen how bad they really are," Dazai said, a smile tugging at his lips. Kunikida didn't even bother telling him off for trash talking his coworkers.
Naomi was seen incredibly close to Tanizaki, her hand reaching down. "Oh, you think I'm lying...? There is absolutely no doubt were related to each other."
Tanizaki was heard in the background making.... sounds, and Danny stared at the screen with a disgusted look. "None at all..." Naomi continued
"YOU ARE NO LONGER FORGIVEN!" Danny whisper shouted, looking slightly traumatized
"There is no way those people are related." Chuuya said sternly, breaking the trauma induced silence while the agency was casually talking to each other, acting as if what happening on the screen wasn't even there. "I can't be the only one that finds this weird right?" The normalization by the agency was driving everyone a little crazy.
"No, no. We all don't like them." Kouyou slightly nodded
"Higuchi, do better next time," is all Akutagawa said, sparing her a slight look that made her swoon, forgetting about the siblings' dubious activities.
"Even though he took the apology away, I guess I deserved it. I was pretty intense to Atsushi." Tanizaki said wistfully.
"THAT IS NOT WHY HE TOOK AWAY THE APOLOGY!" Tachihara said, done with everyone in this room.
"The two of us are more similar than you think," Naomi said, continuing to molest him. "Right big brother?" She pushed him down slightly, getting uncomfortably close, and the camera angle switched to the opposite side, much more covered in shadows.
"Wow, so much, so fast. I am 50 seconds into this episode. There is no excuse for this kind of behavior. Even if these two weren't siblings, this is so much to do in front of a guy you just met." Danny said with a passionate tone, helping the Port Mafia find someone to relate to.
Atushi looked shocked and slightly uncomfortable. "Uh, hang on." was muttered slightly under his breath. Kunikida was shown leaning by him.
"You leave this subject alone if you know what's good for you."
"So, you guys just push it under the rug?" Hirotsu slightly judged.
"Oh, don't act like Mori isn't your boss, and you know, the whole organized crime thing you push under the rug." Ranpo instigated.
"Those are not the same thing." Gin muttered.
"I like hiding stuff... Oohhhh side and seek sounds fun! You all run and hide, and I'll find you. But the loser might be punished for being found..." Q muttered while chuckling, everyone ignored them (Kenji found a neat pattern on the wall and was staring at it.) and many, especially Chuuya and Dazai, glared.
"The rest of the fanbase certainly has!" Danny half-yelled while the screen was on. The angle then changed to just him. "I got so many comments in the last video saying, 'Oh my god, I totally blocked the siblings from my memory," Danny muttered the last part with a slight Cali girl undertone. "Thanks guys! Thanks for the warning. Meanwhile I'm like, oh did ya! Did ya block it out!" Danny was on a rant about the add sibling pair.
The screen changed back to the show. Kunida and Atsushi were talking while Naomi was leaning over Tanizaki, everything but a few of their body parts covered.
"She's literally blowing him!" Danny said with vigor. "She's literally blowing her brother!" The screen zoomed in on the sibling's interaction.
"There is no way that this is actually happening. How have you guys not been kicked out yet?" Kouyou said in slight disblief.
"The Armed Detective Agency almost funds the cafe. We have a symbiotic relationship. Besides, they're used to me and my big brother! They like us because we're polite and get easy orders." Naomi said proudly, causing other to not be able to control their faces becoming scrunched up. Atsushi could relate. He remembered how the siblings traumatized him, and he's having to remember it now. It's almost on the same level as the orphanage.
"Oh, so you pay the of them in hush and accept this money." Gin sighed. No one from the Agency responded.
"Well, it's nice to see that even our real-world fans want nothing to do with whatever this is." Akutagawa sighed.
"All five of yours..." Atsushi muttered under his breath.
"Atsushi!" Dazai said with sparkles in his eyes! Is it possible that some of my comedic genius and talent at bullying whatever-his-name has finally been passed down to you?!"
Atsushi sighed. "Sure..." He just wanted Dazai to shut up.
'I knew he could be funny if he really, really, really tried!' Kyouka thought, relieved that her faith wasn't blind.
"Now that you have joined our ranks, you should try to act accordingly. UNLIKE SOME PEOPLE I COULD MENTION!" Kunikda said, shouting in the siblings' direction.
"Tell her to stop blowing him." Danny said, sounding slightly concerned.
"I don't condone anyone acting inappropriate and giving the Agency a bad name!" Kunikida explained
"You literally let them do.... whatever they're doing for what felt like five hours. Please just listen to this Danny guy and tell them to stop." Tachihara hated it here.
"Well, we tried that once.... but no one likes bringing up the alcove incident." Kunikida shuddered, as did the senior members.
"What the fuck is the alcove incident?" Chuuya asked.
"No one would answer you if you asked them anything, but especially not this. I asked one time, and everyone shuddered and had a meltdown." Dazai said, for once not resorting to too many petty insults when talking to Chuuya.
"I remember that!" Naomi giggled. No one said anything.
"Well at least some of us are... Right Dazai?" Kunikida looked over and it showed Dazai holding the hand of the cafe worker from earlier.
"Would you strangle me with these people, delicate fingers young miss?" Kunikida did an angry march over there and smacked Dazai in the head.
"What is this team?! This is a team of sickos!"
"The Detectives are quite... interesting." Mori announced.
"How is this a real business?" Higuchi said in disbelief.
"You detectives are much more incompetent than I ever imagined." Akutagawa said with contempt.
"Don't lump me in with those nutcases! I, Ranpo, am way above these embarrassing, inane matters!" He shouted proudly.
"Oh my god these people are insufferable!" Tachihara groaned into his jacket.
"No surprise Dazai is still asking for random double suicides..." Kouyou judged.
"I like that we're a little odd! It means I get to bring my good ol' reliable cow!" Kenji chucked.
"No, it does not Kenji. Please don't bring a cow or any animal for that matter." Fukuzawa said calmly.
"Not even my good pal Niwa?" Kenji said sadly.
"Kenji, you can bring Miwa somewhere that's not the office maybe...? Take her for a walk or something!" Atsushi said, trying to help Kenji with the great loss of his animals not being able to terrorize the office.
"Kenji, Miwa is a chicken you found on the street. Please don't tell me you still have her." Yosano dragged. Kenji just beamed.
The screen flashed over to Atsushi's exasperated face. "My hands might not be as nice as hers, but if you're asking for someone to break the neck, I think that honor should go to me! Shouldn't it!" Kunikida's violent yelling was heard in the background.
"Oh, we're not getting another Joe and Cherry situation here? He's clearly jealous Dazai didn't ask him to choke him. I don't know how else I'm supposed to interpret that!"
"I did kind of sound like you wanted to be asked by him..." Kyouka said quietly.
"WHAT?! IT WAS ABVIOUSLY A THREAT!" Kunikida coped.
"My dear Kunikida! I didn't know you held such deep, homoerotic feelings for me, but sadly I can't reciprocate. You have one too many a different chromosome for me!" Dazai said while somehow getting falling petals around him.
"I DON'T LIKE YOU, YOU SUICIDAL MANIAC!" Kunikida yelled desperately.
"Dang, you and Atsushi. Who's next?" Yosano teased mercilessly and gave a wolf whistle.
"Please don't bring that back up!" Atsushi said, practically sinking into the couch.
"I have so many secret admirers!" Dazai said, playing up the energy.
"Dazai, please sit down and stop terrorizing your coworkers." Fukuzawa said evenly.'
"Of course!" Dazai saluted and sat down, leaning his head on Kunikida's shoulder, who immediately started yelling and pushed it off.