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Honestly, it shouldn’t have taken Buck this long to figure out that something was wrong. It was actually pretty obvious when he thought about it. He couldn’t expect that everything would be the same after he sued the goddamn LAFD and his friends, his family. But really, he didn’t see this coming.
It’s the first time he’d been invited to a barbecue at Bobby and Athena’s after the whole mess and he couldn’t be more excited. It had to mean that he was forgiven, right? I mean, after almost five months of non-stop chores and not going to any calls, his colleagues must be somewhere close to forgiving him. It’s clear as day that he regreted telling Mackey anything about his friends, but it’s not as if he’d said anything that wasn’t true! There was something different about the way that Bobby treated him. But anyways, they’re past that.
Now, as Buck walked up the steps and knocked on the door, he couldn’t keep the stupid smile off of his face. He was dying to be part of the 118 family again, these last few months had been lonely as hell.
“Hey, Buck!” Bobby opened the door and let him in but didn’t hug him like usual. Well, that’s ok. Baby steps and all that. “Everyone’s outside, you’re the last one in. I’m just finishing up the sides and I’m gonna start grilling.” They walked together to the kitchen, where Buck saw Athena and Hen filling up their wine glasses.
“Alright. Do you need any help? Anything I can do?” Buck asked, hugging both women before turning back to his boss. Bobby just shook his head and nodded to the backyard, telling to go on.
The atmosphere was still a bit heavy when he walked outside, but quickly enough it warmed up. Maddie gave him a big-sister hug that he had definitely missed these last few months and Chim patted him on the shoulder. Apparently, all of their friends, significant others and kids were there, even Michael and David, everyone spread around, talking and laughing.
But, as he looked around at every nook and cranny, there were two people that he could not find. Didn’t Bobby say that he was the last one to get there? Then where the hell were Eddie and Christopher? There was no way that the kid was going to pass out on the opportunity of eating food made by someone other than his dad or of hanging out with Denny and Harry for hours. For a split second, he thought something might have happened, a spilling accident or something, but as he looked at his friends and saw the pity on their faces, he had to face the truth: they weren’t coming, and it was his fault.
It was a blow to his stomach and, mostly, to his heart. Had he screwed it up so badly that his (supposedly) best friend didn’t even want to see him? As memories of the grocery store (“You’re exhausting!”) come to mind, it wasn’t actually a surprise that Eddie didn’t want to see him nor let him see Chris either. But that knowledge didn’t stop his heart from breaking. He finally had something of his own, something that he made, and he had to screw it up. It was a classic Buck, really.
But he couldn’t stop the hope burning in his chest ad he went to Maddie and Chim. “So, is this everyone? Kinda thought we knew more people.” He tried to joke, but it fell flat even to his own ears. He could feel the telltale of tears behind his eyelids as his sister shook her head. “It’s my fault, isn’t it? If I hadn’t come, they would’ve been here.” Chimney opens his mouth, but Buck had had enough. He wasn’t going to ruin this family for Eddie. His parents were fucked up enough that he needed all the support the 118 could give him. Buck would be fine. He had survived alone before and he would do it again, even if he knew that it would hurt a million times more now. “Uh, he, um, he isn’t answering any of my texts, so please tell him that I’m leaving. It’s takes, like, 35 minutes for them to get here from hom- from their house, so I’ll be long gone by the time they arrive.”
Trying to ignore the falling tear at the thought that the Diaz residence was no longer his home, Buck turned on his heels and walked right out of the house, not listening to any of the voices calling his name. He got in his Jeep and drove off, to an empty and cold apartment that hadn’t felt like home for a second. He could do this, he could let his best friend had the life that he had always wanted, ever since he realized that Maddie was the only person in the world that cared about him. For the first time in his life, Buck was going to be as selfless as a saint, and he was going to ignore the pain in his whole body at the mere thought of losing everyone he had.
That lasted a lot longer than Buck thought it actually would. Several months later, he had only seen the crew a couple of times outside of the station, both for family parties. So, it wasn’t too selfish to celebrate his own birthday, right? He’d been to everyone else’s since day one of joining the firehouse, always brought nice presents, helped organize surprise parties.
It was with that thought in mind that he sent out the invites. It was going to be pretty simple, just dinner, drinks, and games at his apartment (that still didn’t feel like home, dammit). He spent way too much money and time making the food, because if Bobby was going to use his precious time off to teach him how to cook, Buck sure as hell was going to show off his new abilities.
About fifteen minutes after the start time, Buck was already anxious that nobody would actually show up. It’s not as if he was super close to anyone anymore, so why would they bother? He’s barely a work colleague nowadays. But just as that thought passed his mind, the doorbell rang, and he let out a relieved breath. Looking around to make sure that everything was at the right place, he opened the door to see everyone there. Hen, Maddie, and Bobby started talking all at once, trying to explain that they didn’t actually agree to arrive together, but traffic was horrible and the line at the store was ridiculously big and-
“Alright, alright.” Buck chuckled to himself, letting everyone in and collecting wine and beer bottles to put in the fridge. “It’s fine, you’re not even that late. Food should be ready in about thirty minutes, so we can start a round of games, if you want?” Everyone agreed and barely a minute later they had Monopoly up and running, voices overlapping as they cheerfully joked around like old times.
But even as he had more fun than the last year combined, Buck couldn’t stop looking back and forth between the door and his phone, trying to hear a single notification and even the smallest knock. The timer went off and everybody moved around the kitchen table, pulling plates from cabinets, and figuring out the sitting arrangements and still nothing. Buck couldn’t help but put away two serving of the lasagna, hope in his chest burning bright, when he saw that everyone was going back for seconds (hell yeah, he finally figured his oven out). Three hours, one more round of Monopoly and an extra one of Scotland Yard and people were starting to trickle out. That wasn’t much more to do, everyone full of yummy food and eyes heavy from the drinks. Buck waved them goodbye and locked the door, even if he left the outside light on, just in case someone stopped by later that night.
He took his time putting away all the pieces from the board games and hand-washed every single one of his dishes, including the pans and bowls, trying to stay awake for just a little while longer, because obviously Eddie was going to show up to his birthday party, right? He was a little – a lot – late, but he was going to be there. He wouldn’t just not show up.
As he sat on his couch and turned the television on, Buck tried to reason with himself about why he had no right to demand that Eddie showed up, but it didn’t make the clear rejection sting any less. He could feel his eyes dropping and, soon enough, the documentary he had put on was just white noise as he fell asleep.
Suddenly, he jumped up, almost falling to the ground, and looked around, trying to regain his bearings. It took him a minute to remember falling asleep on the couch and he finally decided that it wasn’t worth it to wait for any more visitors. Looking at his phone, he saw it was already almost five in the morning, just about his usual wake up time anyways. Heart cracking into little pieces, he changed into workout clothes and went for a run. Maybe it was for the best. This way he couldn’t keep tricking his mind that Eddie felt something for him too.
It took Buck a couple of days to figure out how to convince his heart that Eddie was out of his limit, and that maybe if he could just forget about this stupid, stupid crush, they could go back to being friends. It was almost ten in the evening when he figured it out: maybe he could win him over through Christopher! He could take him out for a few outings, maybe go to the zoo (Never the pier again. Never.). There was no way that constant exposure wouldn’t make Eddie remember that they were, in fact, best friends and that they could still be that.
So, he started small. He left a gift for Chris in Eddie’s locker, a card inside his bag and hoped that Eddie wasn’t just throwing them all away without letting his son have them. After a couple of weeks, the first invite finally came.
“Hey” Eddie sat down next to him on the couch and Buck had to give his heart a firm reminder that they were going for friends, not lovers. “Chris asked me to see if you want to go to the aquarium with him next weekend?” Chris asked, not me, Buck could hear the unsaid words loud and clear, but he was never going to pass up the opportunity to see the kid he loved with his whole damn heart. “There’s this expo on some weird animal I don’t remember the name of, and he really wanted to go, but I’m taking an extra shift.”
It took everything in Buck to not ask why he need the extra work, but he managed to keep his mouth shut. “Yeah, yeah, the seahorses. He was really into them last time we talked.” He really, really tried to keep the bitterness of not talking to Chris in months out of his voice, but he’s not sure he managed. “Of course, I can take him. Do you want me to pick him up or you’ll drop him of on your way to the station?”
“Uh, actually, Carla is going to take him to meet you there.” Eddie said and Buck almost thought that he looked sheepish, but there was no way. No one in their sane mind would trust Buck with their kid after everything he did, so it was logical to have a trusted adult on scene with them, even in the mistrust made his head spin. He couldn’t find any words, so he just nodded when Eddie decided on a time and let it go.
After that, the invites happened all the time, but Eddie was never around, and Carla always was. Buck hadn’t had a single moment alone with Chris and it was getting more and more unbearable each time. He knew he was reckless, but he did everything he could to keep Christopher safe during the tsunami, and he was working with his therapist on his guilt, even if it didn’t go away in a day.
But even through a broken heart and a bruised self-confidence, there was no way that Buck wasn’t going to spend every possible moment spoiling Chris, trying to make up for the lost time when they didn’t see each other. So, they went to several parks (Chris wanted to find out which had the best structure for him to play on), watched a few different cartoons on the movies and even went to the pier, to get Chris another stuffed animal from the game booths since his last one got lost during the commotions. (Buck made sure to hide his shaking hands the whole time. He didn’t want Chris to realize that he wanted nothing more than to run away and never step foot there again).
Buck could confidently say that he was back at his post as Chris’ best friend, but he definitely could not say the same for Eddie. It didn’t matter where they were going, the man was never there, even after Carla stopped going with them. The only contact Buck had with him was during calls at work, because even when they weren’t talking, they were the best pair, almost always saving everyone.
So, it was definitely a surprise when, after a rough shift with way too many losses and stupid mistakes, Eddie invited him over to his place. “Yeah, just a small get together. I don’t think we want to be alone right now.” He explained, rubbing his neck, and walked away when Buck said that he’d be there. It didn’t even go through his mind that his friends didn’t stay alone after shifts like this, they all have someone to go home to. He was just so happy to be included again.
When he showed up at the Diaz’ residence after almost a year, his hands shook a bit and his palms felt a bit clammy. It shouldn’t be this hard to knock on the door, right? It was just Eddie, not some big, scary monster. Everything was going to be fine. As he waited for someone to open the door, he looked around and, to his surprise, saw none of his friends’ cars. There was no way that he was the first one to arrive. He lives the farthest away and the traffic had been hideous, so he was almost an hour and a half late. What the hell is going on?
Just as he pulled out his phone to send a message to the group chat, the door opened up and Eddie was there, more dressed up than he normally was at team hangouts. Buck went inside and, yup, there was no one but the two of them there. Before he could say anything about it, though, Eddie led him to the kitchen, where a single candle lit up the table, set with two plates and something that smelled amazing and made his mouth water.
“Uh, what’s going on?” He asked, but Eddie didn’t say anything, just led them closer to the table. “Where’s everyone? Where’s Chris?” He refused to sit down when Eddie pulled the chair out for him. He wasn’t going to get his heart even more broken if this was not what is seemed.
“Chris is at my tía’s and everyone else should be here in about two hours.” Eddie kept trying to get him on the chair, but Buck couldn’t make his muscles unlock. They were supposed to be alone for the first time in what felt like forever, and no one had the decency to give him time to prepare?
Eddie sighed and finally realized that nothing was going to happen unless he started talking. “We are in fact having a get together because of the shift, but I also wanted to talk to you, alone, and I didn’t know how to do that without sounding like an asshole. ‘Hey, Buck, can I talk to you even though I’m the one whose been ignoring you for months?’ Yeah, that didn’t even sound great in my head.” Buck’s head was spinning. So Eddie really was avoiding him, but now he wanted to talk.
“Then talk.” His voice came out colder than he thought it was possible. “I deserve better than to be played by you whenever you want. I am not some toy that you can discard when you no longer like, Eddie.” The frustration bled into his voice and he sat down, more because his legs felt like giving out than anything else.
“Trust me, Buck, this has nothing to do with not liking you. It’s quite the opposite actually.” Huh? “Yup, apparently, therapy really makes you question everything you think you know.” Eddie laughed, but it was hollow, and a bit sad, too. “As it turns out, this thing I feel for you is also known as ‘love’ and figuring that out really threw me for a loop.” Buck froze, he wasn’t even sure that he was breathing.
Eddie had a crush on him? What? “You can’t do that.” Buck whispered and Eddie’s head shot up. “No, Eddie, you do not get to do this.” Buck was pacing now, trying to make thing make sense. “You can’t pretend that I don’t exist for a damn year and then say you have a crush on me!” His breathing was heavy, and his eyes were watering. This was what he had dreamed of for so long, but now that it’s happening it sort of felt like the worst thing in the whole world.
He made a dash for the door, thankful that he hadn’t had the time to take his keys and wallet out of his pockets, and just ran to his car. He was several miles away before he even stopped to think about the dangers of driving on his state of mind. Blinking to try and clear up his head, Buck couldn’t help the bitter chuckle that came out when he saw where he ended up. Of fucking course, it was at the goddamn pier. This night could not end soon enough. But he decided to go look down at the water anyways. Who knows, it might have a calming effect.
He sat down, making sure to look at the water the whole time, and just let it out. He cried for everything that had happened in the last year and a half. He cried because of the bombing, and the embolism, and the tsunami, and losing Chris, and the fucking lawsuit, but, most of all, he cried for all the times that he needed Eddie and he wasn’t there, when he wasn’t brave enough to talk to Buck and decided to just walk away from him instead, no explanations.
As it turned out, the pier did not have a calming effect, but it did help him arrange his thoughts. He was hurt and he was pissed, but he couldn’t help but also be over the moon, because, goddamn, Eddie loved him back. Looking at his phone, Buck saw that the rest of the 118 should probably be arriving now, so it would be a bit of a scene, but it was going to be worth it. He was going to go after what he wanted and he was going to get his guy, no matter how much teasing he was going to get because of the PDA.
So, he got back into his car and vowed to come back to the pier every few weeks, because he would not let fear control him anymore. He was going to be brave. He definitely broke more than a couple of speeding laws, but Athena was off service, and no one could scare him like she did anyways.
When he got to Eddie’s house, he saw a bunch of cars in the driveway and he took a deep breath before going to the door. This whole time, even though they weren’t talking, neither him or Eddie gave the keys to each other’s house’s back, so he just unlocked the door and walked right in.
“Buck? Eddie said you weren’t coming.” Bobby said and everyone was clearly confused, but Buck didn’t stop. He walked straight into his best friend, put his hands on Eddie’s cheeks, and pulled him into a kiss.
For a split second, there was nothing. No noise, no feeling, no betrayal, nothing that wasn’t that kiss. The whole world stopped even more when Buck felt Eddie’s lips move under his, kissing back with just as much force. Suddenly, everyone was screaming and clapping and cheering and Buck pulled away.
“I’m still very mad at you.” Even though his hands hadn’t left Eddie’s body. “And you have a lot to make up to me for, but I love you too.” Buck couldn’t help but smile back at Eddie, that looked like the fucking sun, beaming like that. He was nodding and he hadn’t let go of Buck either. Their moment was only broken when someone – Chim, they found out later – cleared their throat and spoke up.
“So, uh, are we gonna eat or something? I’m kinda starving.”
The whole party started laughing and, in the blink of an eye, everything was right in the world again. Slumping against Buck’s body, Eddie confessed, “I was sure that you were going to said you loved me too, so this was planned as a relationship reveal.” He took a trembling breath. “But for a hot minute you had me worried that I was going to have to tell everyone that we were getting drunk because I had gotten rejected.”
“Well, I mean, this isn’t over yet.” Buck said and Eddie pulled back, frown marring his features. “I don’t think you understand just how much the way you handled this fucked me over, Eddie.” Buck whispered, voice barely audible. “I can’t just give in to you, because I feel that, if I do that, I’m gonna lose myself. We’re going to have to take this slow and you’re going to have to win back my trust. Right now, I don’t even feel like we’re friends.”
Eddie’s face got sad and, while it killed Buck to hurt him, he knew it was for the best. He couldn’t just throw away all of the progress he made in therapy just because Eddie finally decided that it was time for him to say something. He couldn’t let himself get too attached, too fast, or he was going to crash and burn and there would be no coming back from that again.
But, suddenly, Eddie’s face went determined as he nodded. “You’re right. You deserve better than what I gave you.” Eddie kissed his cheek and then took a step back. “So, I am going to be better. I’ll be a man that will make you proud to be in love with, I promise.”
With that, the rest of the tension fell away from Buck’s shoulders and he could finally let out a small smile, knowing that it was true. With one last look at Eddie, he decided that he would wait his entire life for the kind of love he had there, even with the obstacles and pain that got in the way. Buck and Eddie were always going to be BuckandEddie, no matter what the universe threw at them.