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<~>
2021
<~>
“It’ll be okay, mom. They said the only thing I will forget is my love for him. I will still love you.” Dream said, into the phone. He knew his mother, Bea, was bound to be worried either way. But he was mostly trying to convince himself that it would be okay.
“Clay, what if you forget other things- why don’t… why don’t you just tell him?” Bea asked, Dream could hear how worried she was. He appreciated the love his mother had for him, he knew some people didn’t have the luxury of loving parents. But he also knew that confessing would be too messy. It could cause a lot more issues. He was already choking on the vines growing in his throat. He was already puking blood and flowers at every chance he could. His lung felt like it would collapse at some point. He also knew that this would not be the first surgery, this one would clear the flowers and the vines and the blood. The blood that came from the thorns. The thorns that were tearing the flesh from his lungs and throats at each trip to the bathroom. The vines already created an awful wheeze in his lungs, now he had permanent damage and would need a follow up surgery in about a year’s time to clear that damage. Maybe it would even repair his wheeze.
“I don’t want things to get worse, mom. There’s no way that he could love me back. It's been a year-” Dream cut himself off as he dropped his phone to clutch his chest. A pain was blooming deep in his lungs. “Mom I have to-” He ran out of the room and to the bathroom. He would be making a mental note to have a bathroom in his office in the new house.
Dream threw himself to the tile on his knees and vomited blood and tiger lilies into the toilet, gripping the porcelain as tears streamed down his face from the pain. Thorns were pulling at his skin and tearing holes in the lining. Bile was bubbling up from his stomach and blood was shooting out of his mouth like it was a horror movie. He couldn’t fathom the pain he was in and hoped Sapnap was still peacefully sleeping down the hall.
The pain was getting worse every day. He didn’t really know how to make it stop without trying to rush the surgery. The world was starting to flash in and out as he leaned against the sink that sat next to the toilet. He bonked his head back into the cupboard, he could feel blood dripping from his lips. He could feel the shake in his body, the wheeze of his lungs and the throbbing in his sternum. He heard footsteps approaching and somehow lifted his hand to flush the toilet. His hand fell to his side as his head became harder to hold up. If this was how he died; at least he got to do it in love.
“Clay?” Sapnap asked, crouching down and taking Dream’s face in his hands. Dream blinked at him a few times to try and focus his eyes but they wouldn’t stay focused. They couldn’t . He really wanted them to. He wanted to see his best friend, he wanted to appreciate the gentle touch and he wanted to melt into his eyes. Dream wanted to be loved before he had to lose everything.
He wanted to be loved before he could no longer feel love.
“Bea, what’s wrong with him?” Sapnap asked into the phone, Dream was having a harder time keeping his eyes open in between blinks. He felt the blood be wiped from his chin. He could hear his mom was in a car from the sounds coming from her end of the call. He could hear everything, he just couldn’t keep his eyes open. Everything was growing distant; even the pain in his chest.
“It’s okay, Nick, he’s just a bit sick. He has a surgery next week that will fix him.” Bea explained and Sapnap’s brows furrowed.
“Clay? Why didn’t you tell me? I could have been here for you?” Sapnap asked and Dream shook his head. “Why? Why not?”
Dream reached a weak hand up to wipe the tears from Sapnap’s cheek. He could only manage one arm, but it was heartbreaking to have Sapnap cry over him. Dream just cupped his cheek, “I love you, okay, Pandas?”
“Yeah- yeah. I love you too, Clay. But why are you acting like you’re dying?” The call dropped as they heard the front door open.
“Jus’ so y’know.” Dream muttered and Bea walked into the bathroom with Dream’s brother.
“Cole, help Nick get Clay out to the car. I’m going to pack him a bag and everything- he’s going to stay with me until the surgery.” Sapnap nodded and watched as she walked off. Sapnap and Cole picked up Dream and made him wrap an arm around each of their shoulders as they brought him out to the back of the car. He laid in the back and Sapnap crouched down to play with his hair. Cole went inside to help Bea.
“Are you sure that you’re going to be okay? I can’t lose you, Clay.” Sapnap said and Dream nodded, his eyes being shut. Sapnap heard Bea and Cole leave the house and approach the car. Bea had tears in her eyes and Cole was rubbing her back. Sapnap pressed a quick kiss to the crown of Dream’s head. “I love you, okay? So you need to come home.”
“M’kay..” Dream muttered and Sapnap shut the door. He hugged Bea before she drove off with Dream in the car. Dream would be gone for a month.
<~>
2023
<~>
Dream scoffed and put Patches’ food away after feeding her. “Why are you guys so worried? You know I have a lung issue, this is a simple surgery.”
“Because we are your best friends, we are allowed to worry.” Sapnap said and George just bit into his pancake. “And, I saw what you were like 2 years ago because of your lung issues. May I remind you that you were puking up blood and like- dying.”
Dream’s jaw clenched as his bright emerald eyes went colder. He turned to face Sapnap and George at the counter, George set his fork down and avoided eye contact while Sapnap held his position and serious face. “You have no right to bring that up, Nick.” Dream spoke in a quiet tone that held a lot of venom in each syllable. George understood that Dream was not loud when he was angry like he and Sapnap were. He was quiet and livid . “You may have gotten to witness that time but you have no idea what the fuck you are talking about so shut the fuck up.”
“Or what? You’ll run off to Bea’s? Or you’ll go stream and lock yourself in your office for days?” Sapnap was shouting now and Dream was holding onto the side of the island.
“G, can you go find Patchy?” Dream asked in a soft tone. George nodded and abandoned his plate at the island to leave the kitchen. He went to his own office to get away from that entire situation.
“What? Your boyfriend can’t hear about you being sick? Or do you just not want him to see that you aren’t always a happy little puppy all the time?” Sapnap was pushing and pushing and Dream was pretty fucking over it. He was getting the thorn repair surgery in the morning. Plus, Sapnap knew that George and Dream weren’t even together, he threw the word around to have just one more thing to push about.
“I had Hanahaki.” Dream said, eyes void of anything. It was like all emotion had been stripped from him. Sapnap only seemed confused.
“That like fanfic shit?”
Dream nodded, “I was in love and it was killing me. So I got the fucking surgery and lost that love. I can only love that person platonically for the rest of time.”
“Did you try confessing?” Sapnap asked and Dream let out a breath.
“No. It wasn’t worth the pain. Like you said, you saw how bad it was. You saw that it was killing me.” Dream turned and grabbed the grocery list sticky notes off the fridge and tore a blank one off, before grabbing a pen and writing on the paper. He put everything back and slid the note across the counter. “This is the last real thing I said to the person before the surgery- before it.. Before it got too bad.” Dream walked away before Sanap could even read the paper.
Sapnap heard the front door open and shut, then he got the camera notification that a car was moving. Dream was more than likely going to his mom’s. Sapnap looked down at the note and nearly collapsed out of his chair at the words. ‘I love you, okay, Pandas?’
Oh.
Oh….
<~>
2024
<~>
“So, of course I said yes. Because how could I say no to flowers, a picnic at the beach, sushi and a sunset?” George said into his phone and Sapnap walked into his room. “Hang on, Larry.”
“Sure, Kitten.” Larray said and George rolled his eyes before muting his phone.
“Hi?”
“He had Hanahaki a few years ago.” Sapnap said and George looked concerned. “Clay did.” Sapnap specified and George unmuted the phone, telling Larray he had to go before hanging up. George invited Sapnap into the room and Sapnap sat on the end of the brit’s bed.
“What?”
“I just found out a little while ago.” Sapnap lied but George seemed to believe it.
“So what happened? Like do you know who it was for or like- like what happened?” George asked, playing with his shorts. Sapnap let out a breath.
“He got the surgery and forgot his love. Those two surgeries that he needed for his lungs were Hanahaki. I had pushed him too hard one night and he told me.” Sapnap explained and George nodded. “I heard that you guys are official now- congratulations by the way.”
“You never answered my question about if you knew who it was…” George pointed out. “Which means you know.”
“It’s not really my place-”
“Sapnap, you already told me the worst of it. I don’t want to bring up harmful memories or something on accident- He told me that he loved me today. And he meant it in the romantic sense this time. I can’t hurt him.” George was pleading but Sapnap looked upset.
“He wouldn’t even love you if he could still love me.” Sapnap spit and George’s face quickly twisted into anger. If Sapnap wanted to make this a fight then George would gladly fight him. It’s what they did best.
“Well clearly your love was worth forgetting, Nick.” George spat back and suddenly his cheek was burning. The flesh was warm-hot and simmering. Sapnap had a guilty look on his face in seconds and George’s hand just raised to feel his cheek where he was hit. Gentle fingers ran over the skin and George looked genuinely hurt by the action. He looked betrayed. “We are meant to be best friends.” George muttered.
“George, I am so sorry. I didn’t mean to- I know that I shouldn't have and I will never-”
“Go get Clay.” George interrupted and Sapnap nodded before running out of the room. George had thought at first that he was slapped, but his eye had started to swell as Sapnap started to ramble and he realized it was a full on punch. Right under his eye.
Dream ran into the room and bent down to examine George’s face. George moved his hand to let Dream grab his face and search it. “What happened? Sapnap just ran into my office mid-stream and said your name.” Sapnap sheepishly entered the room behind Dream and sighed. George just looked at Sapnap and Dream turned to face the brunette in the doorway, a hand still on George’s face. “Why?” Dream’s voice was calm. He didn’t seem quietly livid or obviously angry. He was calm.
“We took things too far- I- It was a mistake.” Sapnap said and Dream just nodded, before turning back to George.
“Are you okay, baby?” Dream asked in a soft voice. George nodded and Dream nodded back at him. Dream kissed the red mark on his cheek and pushed past Sapnap to leave the room.
“I might be mad at you, but that was a bit odd.” George said and Sapnap just blinked a few times.
“Why did he not get mad?” Sapnap asked and George shrugged.
“I have no idea…”
<~>
5 Months Later
<~>
“I’ll be home in like.. A week.” Sapnap said, petting Milo and Naiomi at the door. Dream only hummed.
“Just call when you land. And tell your mom I said hi.”
“I will.” Sapnap said and left the house, getting into the uber. Once he got to the airport he puked up roses into the toilet and boarded his plane. He was heading to North Carolina so Karl could take him to get the surgery. Karl knew that Sapnap was lying about going home to see his family. He knew that Sapnap was lying about being in good health. And he knew that Sapnap was dying for being in love with Dream.
But it was not like he could confess, it would never save him. Not in this universe, not in this lifetime. Dream could truly never love Sapnap back, he got the surgery. It was impossible. Dream and George could love each other until they got old and Sapnap could find love and they could remain as they are forever. A group of people who cannot exist without each other. A group of friends who played a silly little game for fun. A group of friends who didn’t die because of each other.
Sapnap would be worried about losing all love for Dream, but Dream told him that there was still platonic love. He could handle that. It was safer.
Sapnap thinks that maybe he always loved Dream more than he should have. But when he got Hanahaki 5 months ago and spilled all Dream’s Hanahaki secrets to George; he didn’t know where else to go but his boyfriend. Karl knew that Sapnap loved him, as Karl loved Sapnap. And that the disease only took so long to kick in because Sapnap had been in denial. Karl would never hate Sapnap for something he couldn’t control.
“You ready, love?” Karl asked, holding Sapnap’s hand at the side of his hospital bed.
“As ready as I can be.” Sapnap said and watched Karl as the doctors took him away to get the surgery.
Dream > Sapnap: Hope the surgery goes well, Pandas. I knew about the Hanahaki the entire time you’ve had it for the last 5 months. I do love you, just not in the way you need and for that I am sorry. See you soon <3
Sapnap finally understood in that moment - the moment of knowing you had to lose a love forever - that Dream had all right to be fearful of love. Sapnap had said he was worried about confessing to George for no reason and he was overthinking it.
But right now, as the anesthesia was starting to kick in, Sapnap realized that he feared love as well.
All it did was hurt.