Archive of Our Own

"Have you ever seen something so beautiful?"

Buck doesn't look over, keeping his eyes on the screen, glued to where a man is talking to someone else off-screen. It isn't a good scene, but Buck isn't really trying to say it is. It’s the metaphor he’s focusing on.

The person beside him hums. "What makes it beautiful?"

Buck's head tilts a little, still mostly focused on the words. "He can't control his emotions, but he's loved anyway. A disaster in converse." His head feels a little fuzzy as he comes away from his intense focus, blinking as he rolls the words back over in his head, finding the irony in them.

Under his desk, his leg bounces, not from anxiety but because he needs to move something or he'll lose his mind. His fingers quietly tap the desk, one after the other in a line, not wasting a second between ending and beginning again.

It's okay you don't know anything yet , Bobby had told him before they'd gotten him enrolled. Athena had nodded along, giving in her own advice of trying the best he could. They'd been proud to hear him ask about college, even if it was local because the thought of going any further is... it makes anxiety grab onto him. The Grant-Nash's home had become his a year ago, senior year looming over him after his birth parents' treatment. It’s grown on him in that time, Bobby and Athena slowly gaining parent status.

"And that's beautiful to you?" They seem a little surprised, and it's only then that Buck catches on.

Not everyone has trouble with that , he reminds himself, and shrugs, cheeks feeling warm. His mouth stays firmly shut as he continues to face forward, not entirely paying attention anymore as the scene moves on, a car coming into frame.

The person makes a thoughtful noise. "I think he's just been hurt and needs to process it, ask for help. But I think I can see where you’re coming from."

Buck's fingers pause, then start moving again a second later. "Yeah," he mutters.

Minutes later, the class ends, the movie paused half-way. It's split up to dissect better , the professor had said. Buck packs his things up quietly, still thinking.

"Buck, right?"

He looks over, blinking owlishly at the black woman standing beside him as he's bent over his backpack, putting things up. He straightens, and realizes she's shorter than he is. "... Yes?" Being his first class, she's the first person to approach him, and he feels the urge to both run away and to start another conversation with her.

She holds out her hand, a friendly grin on her face. "Henrietta. You can just call me Hen if you want."

He takes it, smiling as his nerves settle. Her grip is firm, a good handshake if he were rating it at all. "Nice to meet you, Hen." He lets go to put his last notebook up before closing his bag. "Mind if we walk? If you want to talk at all."

"That's fine."

They walk side by side outside, following the path from the arts building towards a center point. "So, did you have a reason you wanted to talk?"

Out of the corner of his eye, he watches her glance at him.

"You're new," she says. "You have a flag pin on your bag, and I have a feeling you can have a good conversation."

His face spits again. "Is this about my comment on the movie?"

She shrugs. "A little. I also wanted to extend an invitation to the club I run with my girlfriend."

Buck feels a second of surprise before just then coming to the conclusion that Hen somehow can see through him. He had even chosen a general ally pin just so it would, hopefully, throw others off. The paranoid fear of not passing well enough still grips him at the best of times. "What- What kind of club?"

His mouth feels dry, echoes of words in his brain, and the crushing feeling of ‘ditch her before she ditches you right now, she's going to leave you when she realizes you’re broken just like - ’ He swallows the discomfort, not wanting to scare her off, even though he's not sure she seems like the type.

"It's an off-campus GSA. We're looking for anyone. Allies included."

He can feel her eyes on him and he looks over just as she does, their eyes meeting. Relief settles in his gut for now, noting her use of “allies”. He looks away. "I'll, uh, check my schedule?" Bobby hadn't mentioned when he'd need to find a job, not that Bobby's even bringing it up much, but Buck knows he'll need one eventually, so that means a lot of figuring things out. "What dates do you-"

Hen stops, and Buck scrambles to come back into talking distance once his brain catches up. "Can I have your phone?"

"Uh, yeah." He pulls his phone out of his pocket, typing in his pass-code and pulling up the notes app, feeling unsure. He then hands it to her, watching her type.

Seconds later, it's back in his hands, a date listed over a phone number. Three days away. Close enough that it's doable, but far enough that he doesn't feel nervous just yet.

"My phone number's there, too. I hope you'll be there," Hen says, "but my next class is over here. Talk later?" She gestures to another building about 150 feet away from them.

"Yeah," Buck smiles, waving her off before turning back towards the parking lot. He takes a breath in, then lets it out.

He takes a moment to put the number in his phone, labeling the contact with her name and puts his phone away, heading for his car.

It doesn't fully hit him until he's standing in front of the café, staring at flags in the windows, that he's doing this. He blinks, tightening the grip of his fisted hand. Even texting Hen hadn’t really made any of it sink in.

"Are you just going to stand there?" he hears, the voice amused as he turns to look. His cheeks burn, but he finds himself chuckling anyway.

"Sorry." He pulls the door open, going inside, but the man follows him to where Hen and another woman are talking in a corner area.

Hen lights up when she sees him. "Buck! Chim!"

He grins back at her as he grabs a chair. "Hi." He can hear Chim’s own happy greeting from his side, though he doesn’t bother to look.

"Oh! This is my girlfriend, Karen, and the one already checking his phone right after getting here is Chim. Don't mind the nickname." He shakes Karen's hand, laughing as Chim playfully scowls at Hen.

"It's nice to meet you guys." He directs the words to all three of them, letting his shoulder relax.

“Eddie should be out in a minute, they’re finishing up a shift,” Chim says, finally setting his phone on the table at the same time Buck blanks. Chim also looks over at him. “And nice to meet you as well, Buck.”

They? He mouths the pronoun with eyebrows drawn, which must catch Karen’s attention because she’s addressing him the next second. 

“Something wrong?” she asks him, and it feels a little like she’s already angry at him.

He shakes his head. “Nothing’s wrong,” he replies, turning the pronoun over in his head. “Just… didn’t know people…” he trails off, looking away from all of them. Something about it was intriguing.

Before Karen, or Hen and Chim for that matter, can say anything else, someone else approaches the table. The conversation is dropped, but he can still picture her face.

“Hey, guys. Sorry I’m running late, Avery was running behind so I didn’t have anyone to trade with.” The person looks up, and Buck finds himself looking into another pair of brown eyes. This is probably Eddie. Eddie smiles, grabbing the last chair between Buck and Chim, their pronoun pin on their shirt catching Buck’s attention before they speak. “You’re new.”

They/Them, it read, and weirdly enough, it feels almost like a revelation. 

Buck knows gender is complicated, has known since he was nine and Maddie gave him a buzz cut because he asked her to before promptly coming out to her as a boy after a long week of whispering with one of his friends. He’d spent his pre-teens, and teens, even, trying to change his body and re-socialize himself. The Buckleys hadn’t been supportive, but they were never outright cruel about it, allowing him hormone blockers and letting him start testosterone shots when he could.

He’d thought the only other option was to be a boy, but it never felt… completely right.

“Are you going to keep staring or do you have a name?” 

Buck can feel the other’s eyes as he blinks, coming out of his head as an embarrassed blush spreads his face and the tops of his ears. He smiles, hesitantly, at Eddie’s stretched out hand, taking it as he finally introduces himself. “Uh, sorry. I’m Buck.”

Eddie’s eyes seem to inspect his face as they follow up with, “Pronouns? I don’t want to assume.”

Buck feels like water trapped in a container as it sloshes around. For the first time in a long time, he doubts what he’s made himself into. “He/Him?” His words seem to vocally end in a question mark, but Eddie doesn’t bring attention to it as they nod.

He feels somewhat detached as he turns back to Hen and Karen, the latter looking confused for some reason as she glances at Chim. 

Hen is the one to pull out what they’re doing, saying it’s mostly for Buck’s benefit as she hands each of them a printed sheet: Common LGBT Terms is printed at the top and Buck has a strong feeling this was hand-made. He only knows a few terms, transgender and bisexual being the most obvious, but when he gets to another word, he finds himself speaking up.

“Asexual? That’s a thing?”

Eddie is the one to answer with a, “Yeah, it’s an umbrella term.” Even if Buck doesn’t look, he knows they’re looking at him.

He reads the typed definition: “A sexual orientation where one feels little to no sexual attraction. Can be used as an umbrella term or be more commonly referred to as acespec.”

Feeling a little overwhelmed, he sets the paper back on the table, trying not to show everything he’s feeling. It couldn’t be this simple , could it? Even if he’s already having a weird gender-pronoun crisis?

“Look, I know it’s a lot, and you probably don’t know a lot of these, but-”

Bad comforting aside, all Buck can think to say is, “What’s under it? If it’s an umbrella term?” Looking over, he can see Eddie pause, face making an expression of surprise before melting into something more neutral.

“Well, asexual is both the term for no attraction and the community, and gray-asexuality is when you do feel attraction but not often.” They pause, letting the words sink in. “I’m demisexual, so I only feel attraction when I have an emotional connection.” 

Buck lets the words process in his head. He isn’t a stranger to sex. He’s had a few partners, and he’s still somewhat a teenager, but it’s always felt forced to him, more what he’s expected to do at a certain relationship milestone. That, and it did feel good, a type of attention he could find surprisingly easily.

“Is…” He pauses, something occurring to him. “Can you like people but not sex?”

This time, it’s Hen that answers his question. “Definitely. There’s also split attraction, so you can be asexual and biromantic, for example.”

Ding, ding ding! his brain supplies, and he feels like she can see him. Vulnerability, he knows, is not something he’s very… good at, not really, so he just nods, dropping the subject as his leg bounces under the table again. He isn’t completely sure what biromantic is, but with the context clues, he assumes it’s bisexual but for romantic attraction? It would make sense.

All of this information is… probably understandably a lot, and while he really doesn't need crises of any kind, he's getting them anyway. Thanks, universe , he thinks at whatever higher power was watching them. Maybe this is what he gets for breaking that mirror while trying to move it last week.

The conversation turns general soon after, at least that Buck is aware of, and he learns a few things about each of them. In turn, he says a few things about his own life, like how he's starting to job search and Bobby and Athena are thinking about getting a dog.

Chim lights up at the mention of them, asking how they're doing because he hasn't seen them in a while.

Buck says they're doing well, a little surprised to find out he knows them.

The meeting ends an hour and a half after beginning, and Buck ends up getting Karen and Chim's numbers as well. Eddie hangs back a little with Buck, both of them dragging their feet by talking about a game that just came out.

"Hey, hand me your phone," they say, approaching the door, and Buck puts in the password before handing it over. "Here's my number, too. I'd like to continue this, but I have a few errands." They hand it back to him and they exchange goodbyes.

This… Buck might have a small issue.

Getting back home is a quiet affair. 

Athena is out with May, a routine girl’s day, and Bobby is sitting at the dining table, laptop in front of him. He looks up as Buck enters, letting out a breath. Buck isn’t sure where Harry is, but he doesn’t put much attention to the thought right then.

“Welcome back,” Bobby greets, letting his arms fall to the sides of the keyboard. “Did it go well?”

Buck glances at him. “It was a lot, but it was fun. Surprised one of them knew you. Chim?” He tests the nickname out, unsure if Bobby would even know him by it. It seems he does when he nods, a small smile splitting his face.

“Yeah, he volunteers with me sometimes.”

Buck nods and points towards his room. “I’m going to… process, I guess.”

“Alright, then. I’m glad you had fun.”

Buck doesn’t answer, going to his room, right next to Bobby and Athena’s on the right side of the hallway. Letting out another breath, he falls back onto his bed, staring up at the ceiling. He mouths the words again: asexual biromantic . 

It makes sense, just as much as a lot of his other words do: ADHD, scatter-brained, hot-headed, chatterbox.  

There’s just so much for him to think about.

He pulls out his phone, searching for common terms again. The paper is still folded neatly in his back pocket, but he doesn’t feel like getting it back out, keeping it physical. He stumbles across asexual again, but more terms are listed on the site he chooses, like genderqueer, polyamorous, and bigender.

He’s reminded of Eddie, then, and goes back to the search bar, typing in, “they/them pronouns”.

“They/Them pronouns are used for individuals of unknown gender or a gender not on the binary.”

Lower on the page, he finds a site showing how to use different pronouns, even throwing in more he doesn’t know. Again, it feels so overwhelming , but now that he’s on his own, it’s… Buck goes to his messages, pulling up Eddie’s contact and typing out a message.

You: how did you know they/them pronouns were right for you?

It reads sent, and Buck presses the power button, shutting the screen off. It feels a little bold to be doing this, but he’s already worrying so much that he feels like his brain is overloaded with it. He lets his phone fall to his side on the bed, going back to staring at the ceiling.

His thoughts trail off into other subjects like the book he’s reading about space or if he’s far enough on his classwork.

His phone dings with a text message and he grabs it, unlocking it as he sits up, swinging his legs over the side of the bed.

Eddie: It just clicked for me, I guess?

Never felt very… boy-like, so I searched it up and figured things out from there.

That… makes sense. Buck calls back to the feeling of being almost-right about his identity. Biting his lip, he wonders if he was on the right track, just not there yet. He’s happy with his body, with the changes he’s made and how he looks and everything, but sometimes he finds himself still wanting feminine things. Which, maybe that doesn’t mean anything, but… sometimes he thinks he’d prefer neutral terms or compliments or whatever else.

You: Thanks, Eddie.

It takes them a moment to respond, but it’s only a short, you’re welcome . He takes a breath, trying to convince himself that he didn’t just out himself by doing this. His eyes close, and his skin itches, like his skin isn’t settling right.

He needs out.

Grabbing his keys from his nightstand, Buck stuffs his phone back in his pocket and leaves his room, seeing Bobby still at the table, looking up again when he passes. Harry is on the couch, watching something, but the itch under his skin is almost unbearable, so he just throws a “Going out!” at Bobby, heading for the door.

Bobby barely gets out his response before the front door shuts behind him, “Be safe! And be back before ten!”

He feels hot as he gets into his car, and it takes him a second to realize why he’s feeling like this, feeling destructive . It’s… not exactly an uncommon experience, but today was good, and Buck wants that to continue except… does he really deserve that? The sudden shift feels jarring, but he doesn’t feel like he has any control over it.

He’s too young to go to bars and doesn’t really have friends, so he finds himself parking at the park and just- Pulling out his phone, he pulls up the only dating app he has installed, choosing the messages of a guy he’s been talking to for a few weeks. He barely thinks as he sends the message, asking him if he wants to meet up.

Buck doesn’t wait long for a response, and the next four hours feels like a big blur.

It’s just after nine when he gets dressed, still slightly tipsy. It’s not late enough to be past his curfew, but he has a feeling he’s been gone long enough to worry Bobby and Athena. It’s risky to drive, but he supposes this small town is good for one thing: minimal night traffic.

Pulling into the house’s driveway, Buck stays put for a few minutes, drinking out of the water bottle he’d picked up to sober him up more because underage drinking was already a bad thing, and he really didn’t want to face their disappointment again.

You could stop doing this , his brain supplies, but he knows it’s not that simple, not for him, not ever. He knows if Bobby finds out he’ll call Dr. Copeland again, forcing Buck to go for at least one appointment. She’ll tell him he just needs to find better coping mechanisms or attempt to pick him apart, and he’s trying so hard to be better already…

Swallowing the last of the water, Buck puts the lid back on and takes the key from the ignition. He gets out, his phone in his pocket and his keys in his hand to unlock the door. It’s quiet when he does, and thankfully he has enough coordination by now to be able to walk normally. He tosses the empty bottle in the trash and startles at his name.

“Buck.”

His heart races in his chest, though he wills it to calm down when it’s just Athena at the sink. “You scared me,” he admits, hand to his chest. 

“There’s lasagna left in the fridge for you,” she tells him and Buck finds himself grinning, thanking her before going to take out the top tupperware container. “Bobby told me you left a little fast earlier.”

Buck looks over at her from where he’s warming up the food, letting his head tilt a little to the side. “Yeah, am I in trouble or something?”

She shakes her head, drying the last dish to put in the rack, the sink soapy, but empty. “You’re not,” she confirms, though uneasiness still sits in his gut. “I guess I’ve just noticed some things.”

Buck freezes. What- Does she know- There’s no way he’s that obvious about… anything. “W- What have you-”

She turns to him, hands on her hips but face worried. “We’ve been thinking, maybe you should try therapy again.”

His eyes widen. “What are you- I’m fine! Nothing’s wrong!” He silently begs her to believe him, but she stays firm.

“We’re both worried for you, Evan, and you need to talk about whatever is bothering you.”

Buck shakes his head, pulling out his food. “You shouldn't worry because I’m fine.” Even if he doesn’t look at her, he knows she’s disappointed in him. But he’s fine, he should be. It’s been over a year, he’s out, he had therapy in the beginning, and it isn’t affecting him anymore.

A pit opens in the bottom of his stomach, something telling him that there’s only one way this conversation can end.

“I just want you to think about it, okay?”

He doesn’t give her a response as he takes the food to the table, his mouth suddenly too dry for anything.

Buck is… surprised to see he and Eddie share a science class the next day, blinking as they meet eyes. Eddie grins from their seat, holding up a hand to wave Buck over. He obliges, making his way to the empty seat beside them.

“Hey,” Eddie greets.

“Hi,” Buck returns, finding his eyes catching on their face again. He catches himself thinking, oh, pretty , and can feel his face warm. “It’s nice to see you here.” He takes his notebook out, getting ready.

Eddie snorts. “Yeah, I can’t say earth science is my favorite, but it’s interesting.”

The class starts, and Buck also finds the material interesting, his notes taking up quite a few pages. Still, his eyes move to Eddie every once in a while, watching them for a second before going back to writing notes.

They get time to talk near the end, and Buck is already turning to Eddie. 

“So about yesterday…” Buck starts, kind of wanting to set the record straight, but also… What if it’s okay that Eddie knows? The second the thought crosses his mind, his brain is screaming. They’ll leave, they’ll leave, they’ll leave, it chants, panicked, if you get too close you’ll ruin everything.

“Yeah?” Eddie’s expression is neutral with hints of irritation as they speak, and Buck can’t get the screaming out of his head.

“Is it… okay that I asked?” he tries, not exactly making eye contact. He’s still thinking about it, but he knows it can’t be here, out in the open where anyone can hear.

“We’re all good. Why are you asking?” they reply, face shifting into curiosity.

Buck bites his lip. They’ll leave if you get too close , his brain whispers yet again.

He just wants to be seen for once, maybe have someone that gets it even a little. He’s so tired of doing this by himself. If he could just… 

“Not here,” he says after a moment of silence. He takes a breath, still feeling Eddie’s eyes, and slides his notebook back into his bag and pencil into the pencil case.

“Okay.” They don’t speak for a moment. “You don’t have to tell me, by the way. I don’t want to force you into telling me.” 

Buck just nods, following Eddie out the door when class ends before they follow him to the parking lot.

“Do you mind if we sit in my Jeep?” Buck asks, glancing back at them and seeing them nod. He unlocks the door for them and then they’re both alone. In Buck’s car. And he’s about to trust Eddie with something he hasn’t told anyone here about since moving into Bobby and Athena’s.

Buck moves to face Eddie as much as he can in the space, which admittedly, doesn’t give him much, and Eddie has already moved and their eyes are on him. It hit him again, in this light, they look… attractive, pretty . He feels the slight heat in his cheeks, but pushes it out of his mind. Not the place. It feels a little much, but Buck wants to get this over with if he is going to say.

“So, uh, I’m sorry for staring at you when we first met,” Buck starts with, “I guess I just didn’t realize you could use gender neutral pronouns, and it sounds stupid, but it was an awakening of sorts?”

He looks at Eddie, fully, and their expression is soft. They make a go on motion, like they can tell he has more to say.

"And… And then Hen gave me the paper, and you gave me those definitions and…" Buck pauses, thinking about his wording, but he finds his mouth moving before his brain. Typical. "I thought I was done with wondering who I was after I got my first shot."

He doesn't look at them now, his gaze on his jeans, leg bouncing minutely. He's clearly anxious, he knows, but it's more the silence and what he's doing that's getting to him.

"Well, first of all, I'm glad you're telling me," he hears them say, and honestly, Buck wishes he weren't so nice . "Second, and I'm definitely quoting Chim here, 'do we ever really know everything?'"

That actually prompts Buck to look at him. 

"The important thing is, are you happy with yourself right now?" they finish.

Buck's shoulders fall. That… makes sense. He inhales, holds it a few seconds, and lets it out. 

"Can I just use more than one pronoun?" he asks, seeing Eddie nod when he looks. "Okay."

"Do you want to use different pronouns?"

Yes. No. Maybe. "I don't- Maybe?"

Eddie leans forward a little more. "Maybe try it out in your head? Or I could make something up?"

Buck nods, more to himself than to Eddie. It sounds like a good idea, practical. He decides on a simple sentence.

Buck likes his friend. 

It feels normal, expected, but he feels a little tired of hearing it.

Buck likes their friend.

It's new, but it feels weird referring to himself in the third person. And he could probably tell better if it was from someone else.

"Can you make something up?" he asks, looking back at Eddie, who is still watching him. "With neutral pronouns?"

"Okay. How about… Buck is cool. They are sitting with me right now." Their hand is pinching the end of their shirt, fingers rubbing the fabric, and Buck's eyes catch the movement.

But it felt… nice. It feels like it fits.

“Okay, yeah.” Buck nods again, entirely to himself, rubbing his hands on his thighs. “That’s- Yeah.” A small smile splits his face as it sinks in, and out of the corner of his eye, he can see Eddie’s smile, too.

“So, how do you feel?”

He swallows, suddenly nervous. “Good. I just- Can this stay between us for now?” He looks over, and concern is clear on their face. It smooths out and they nod.

“If you’re afraid of Hen, Karen, and Chim knowing, they won’t care.” Their face looks like they believe it, and Buck knows their friends don’t judge Eddie, but…

In his head, it’s only because he’s different. He doesn’t say anything else, instead asking if Eddie wants to hang out outside of school sometime. They make plans and soon enough, Eddie is walking away, and the car door is shut behind them.

The air feels physically still, then, and Buck realizes what he’s done.

Fuck.

The next few months, Buck floats on that, on Eddie knowing this one big secret and still caring about him, still talking to him. Buck’s head gets louder every week, though, yelling that he’ll get left behind soon, and he stays out more and more to attempt to quiet it. Finding people, self-destructing because he feels like he has to deserve that attention, deserve the life he has. He has to have something he knows is stable , even if it only lasts a few hours. Athena brings up therapy two more times, but he tells her he’s fine. He knows none of them believe him.

It all falls apart on a Sunday.

Buck knows his friends are worried, Eddie especially, but they just don’t get it. They don’t, they don’t get it.

He tells himself they don’t when he drives to the park, he tells himself he’s selfish when he gets out, he tells himself he’s only making problems as his feet hit the ground.

Their club meets at 3:00 in the afternoon.

He finds himself under a tree, facing the playground, at 2:45.

He gets stuck in his head, eyes following different kids playing, wondering what’s wrong with him. He thinks back to his first film studies class, the one where he’d made that comment to Hen. The irony isn’t lost on him as he looks down at his old converse, marked up from being worn for so long.

Buck feels dangerous right now, still no closer to knowing just what’s wrong with him, identity-wise or even mentally. Especially mentally.

Maybe it started in that bathroom with Maddie, their mother screaming when she sees him for the first time. Or when he got caught making out with a boy in freshman year, blurting out his queerness to parents that never cared, that ran him into arms looking for any amount of love or attention. The same parents that didn’t care about roughing him up after Maddie left.

The therapist he’d been sent to didn’t get it, either. Not that he’d told her much.

Maybe it started when Bobby and Athena adopted him, giving him a chance that he’s throwing away because he can’t fucking control himself. Or maybe it was meeting Hen or Karen or Chim, giving him new people to care about and for them to care about him, even if he doesn’t always return their calls and texts or the arguments they’ve had the past two weeks about how fine he is.

He tells himself he is.

Or maybe, Maybe he just figured it out after meeting the best person he’s ever met, Eddie, who is always kind, and interesting to talk to, amazing, and pretty , someone that Buck can see himself loving forever. Even though they’re too good for him.

He doesn’t realize he’s crying until a sob tears its way out of his mouth. He pulls his knees up, burying his face. It isn’t fair , none of this is fair.

Why is it that he has to get so bad ?

He can barely hear over his crying, so he doesn’t hear his name being called. He hadn’t heard the text messages or calls, his phone silenced, too caught up in everything he’s feeling. Too much, it’s all too much.

“Buck!”

His shoulders hunch as he hears them, and a few seconds later, a hand lands gently on his back. It moves, up and down, trying to comfort, but it’s still too much, please make me hurt less.

Vaguely, he’s aware of voices over his head, and as he finds himself calming an unknown amount of time later, he recognizes them as his friends. He sniffs, slowly pulling his head up and wiping at his eyes. “Sorry,” he finds himself whispering. “I- I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

“There’s nothing wrong with you,” Eddie says, as soon as his words are out of his mouth. Their eyebrows are drawn together, worry clear on their face. “We got worried when you didn’t show up and weren’t answering.”

“I’m ruining everything, Eds,” Buck admits, his voice cracking, causing him to wince. “I keep throwing everything away.”

“You’re not ruining anything, Buck,” he hears Hen say. “What’s going on?”

And fuck, she sounds so nice. He almost feels another wave of tears. “I just… it’s all too much.” He swallows hard. “My brain won’t stop screaming at me, and I…” I think he’s hurt and just needs to process it, ask for help. “I think I need help.”

Seven months later…

Buck has his hands in his pockets as they walk, side by side. He’d spent all of the past day inside, a family day as Bobby called it. They’d watched a movie, played a few games, he and Bobby had cooked together for every meal. It’d been nice. A good day.

He’s had more of those recently, ever since his new medication had kicked in, paired with his therapy appointments. It was surprising to admit, especially in action, that he’s improving, slowly.

Eddie had asked to take a walk around the neighborhood today, just them.

“How is it being back?” they ask, kicking a rock across the empty road, getting it to the opposite curb. Buck can feel how nervous they are, even if they’re trying to hide it.

“I, uh, I’m glad to be back,” he replies, and he’s also nervous for some reason. Like he’s hoping for something and isn’t sure if he’ll get it. He’s had time to accept this since the hospital, the way he falls easily into this feeling of love. Fridays had been his favorite because Eddie had called every Friday. They asked how he was doing first, but they’d always find other conversation until the call ended. Buck thinks Eddie is one of the only people that kept him motivated, truly, whenever he thought of them.

“So your parents aren’t too overbearing?” they tease, and Buck knows they’re thinking of when they left, Bobby making the two of them promise to be back in an hour or he’d come find them himself.

Buck chuckles, shaking his head. “Uh, no. A- Mom gave me a look when we left, though.” Calling them Mom and Dad is new enough that he has to remind himself a few times, but he can’t deny he sees them like that now, completely. “Kinda felt like she knew something I didn’t.”

Looking over, he sees them smile, light in their eyes. “Yeah?” they ask.

Buck grins back. “Do you have anything to say for yourself?” he asks, glancing in front of him before looking back.

“Well,” they start, and it’s then that Buck realizes they’re blushing. “I have been thinking lately…”

Buck watches them curiously as they pause, stopping beside the stop sign at the end of the road. “Oh no! Eddie Diaz has actually been thinking,” Buck jokes, smiling.

Eddie rolls their eyes. “If anything, that should be me telling you, but you’re distracting me.”

“Fine, fine. Go on then…” Buck makes a go on gesture.

Eddie’s blush darkens. “So, I was thinking, and I might be in love with you?”

Buck’s eyes widen. “You’re serious?” They nod. Buck can’t help the grin that overtakes his face. “Good thing I love you back.”

Their shoulders drop in obvious relief, and the next thing Buck knows, their lips are on his, and today is definitely a good day.