Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

You woke up early.

Today marked the end of your stay in town as you and your family prepare to continue your journey to Ka Bue. 

Currently, you’d rank your mood to be about a 7 out of 10 so far this week. No major slip-ups.

Well, at least in comparison to your previous weeks.

Your first few weeks away from Dormont had been rough, to say the least. You had thought staying would only increase your nightmares, so you had pushed to leave, but they had only worsened once you left. 

Though overtime, and (even if you hate to admit it) discussing the loops with your family helped ease some of the broken, ugly, rot within. 

Although every session made you feel empty and cold inside, it did help to know they’d still be here for you after hearing all the disgusting things you’ve done. They practically had to repeat it to you like a mantra for days, weeks…months. Even after the whole “I won’t let you leave because I have attachment issues” tantrum, and of course the later, “it’s just instinct that I grab for my dagger for a quick fix. Yes, even when I forget to pick up an item from the store because part of me still believes I can still fix my mistakes,” the whole spiel.

Though!!

You’d say you’re doing better than before, even if your version of better is still a definitive low, but it’s still better!!

You rise from bed, grabbing your eyepatch from the nightstand beneath the curtain-shut window.

You used to love sleeping outside. The feel of heat on your skin, while your cloak worked to negate the warmth felt as though you were being bundled beneath a heavy blanket, your breath blowing back to your face, safe from the world.

You now despise it. You’d rather be cold and sick from wish craft than wake back up under that blazing star again. Not only had the sun reminded you of waking up back in Dormont laying in that tall but not too tall grass. Once comfortable, turn spikes against your skin. The bout of nausea not only from all the tugging of your stomach but going from a standing position to a lying position in mere seconds. The sun you always forgot to shield your eye from.

It had always set you off when you awoke.

Isabeau had been fine with covering the tent or closing the curtains before bed, until gaining the idea of making you a sleeping mask, to which you refused at first because you could handle it until the day you had woken up from a particularly bad nightmare.

You remember how delighted he had been looking through all the many different fabrics within the shop. He chatted for nearly an hour with the store owner, calling upon your opinion ever so often.

You smile at the memory before opening the blinds. 

Speaking of Isa, where is he? He hadn’t been there with you when you awoke. Perhaps he started his day early? You could hear your family downstairs, after all. 

You rush, grabbing your cloak and “brushing” your hair by swiping a few fingers through it before looking into the mirror.

It’s you!

Quietly leaving the door cracked, you practically fly downstairs before approaching your family in the now-occupied dining room.

Odile and Mira both sat at the table glance in your direction before giving a warm smile. 

Mira brightens. “Morning Siffrin, how did you sleep?"

You smile back, “10/10.”

Odile gains that playful smirk of hers, “Oh, so do you now agree sleeping on a bedroll is nothing compared to a proper bed?”

You turn to Odile with a grin of your own. “One could say beds are bed-er than sleeping beneath the stars, but I tent to disagree.”

Odile gaze returns to her book. “Glad to see you're doing well.”

You give her a half-lidded smile, “Glad to be better.”

A few clanks from the kitchen gains your attention, so you decide to take a peek. Inside you see Bonnie and Petronille chiding over some scrambled eggs, before spotting you.

Nille waves and—gets interrupted by Bonnie, who fiercely points their cooking spoon towards you.

“Frin!! Breakfast isn’t done yet! Shoo!! Shoo!!!”

Nille grabs the large spoon from Bonnie’s hand and finishes her “Good morning Siffrin” before grabbing the eggs from the pan and stacking them on a nearby plate.

Bonnie turns back to Nille in shock, “No No, the eggs have to have brown on them or they won’t be crunchy.”

Nille tilts their head. “Why would you want them to be crunchy? They’re eggs, they’re fluffy.”

“Not with the potatoes! Fluffy eggs are for pancakes ‘n stuff! Crunchy goes with crunchy!”

Nille smiles, raising a finger to her chin “Hm you have a point there,” before looking back at you. “Siffrin, which do you prefer?”

“Yeah, Yeah. Frin! Browned eggs are better, right?” Bonnie’s basically bouncing on their toes.

Wuh-oh, truly a classic dilemma.

The two had always gotten into short debates over how they preferred their meals. Nille had always let Bonnie have it their way in the end, though she still liked to voice her opinions.

Naturally, you prefer both. Food is food, but you know how to handle this situation. You smile, turning your eye to Bonnie, whose eyebrows begin to lower, smile straining, sensing your upcoming pun. “Anything you guys make would be egg-ceptional. No yolk.” You wink, sticking out your tongue.

Bonnie shoots you a look of shock. “You CRAB!!! Bad!! Bad!!!!”, before looking at their sister with a look of betrayal “Nille, stop laughing!! That’s not funny!!!”

Nille only continues to laugh harder from Bonnie’s reaction.

Success

You turn from the kitchen and look around. You’d expect Isa to be here by now. “Where’s Isa?”

Odile gives you an amused smirk, looking up from her book. "He left earlier to pick up the fabric before we left.”

Right! He had told you last night. In fact, multiple times yesterday to help you remember. He seemed really excited to see you finally be able to use the mask outdoors again to really test if it works. Something about it having the perfect cross between lights and darks after you stated your preference for avoiding lightless materials. 

You decide to sit down and wait for breakfast and you do not zone out, you do not zone out, you do not zone out. 

You did have a habit of doing that. Always missing important conversations since they were y’know, different. Real. New. It has been one of the harder problems to get rid of, but you haven’t done it in a week or two. So…Progress!!! You think.

So.

You’re now sitting normally, waiting for time to pass by, like normal. Normally. Like a normal person. You are normal. You are here. You exist.

…

Focus on something, anything.

The food is almost ready. You can hear Nille and Bonnie chiding over the crispness of their bacon now…but by the sounds of it, you think she’s just teasing them.

…

…

Mira. She’s reading a book. Woah, and she looks super invested. It looks to be one of those chateau books. She must’ve gotten her hands on the last issue. Wait, hadn’t she read that one already? Wait, no, not in this loop. No, not loop, not before? You have to stop thinking about time like this. Move on, another distraction.

Odile! She’s reading that familytale again. she’s read it multiple times on your journey, you think. It’s different from the usual journal she uses to take notes in.

(!)

Ah! she’s looking at you!! You dart your eye away pretending to not stare, but out of the corner of your eye, you notice her giving you a soft smile. No! Now you missed it!! You dart your attention back to Odile and smile back, but she’s already turned her attention back to her book!!! 

You feel…sad all of a sudden.

…

And you’ve also run out of distractions.

You wish you could whittle, but you’ve been banned from using your dagger for the time being due to your prior actions using it. 

So now you have nothing to pass the time but you and your own mind. With the only memories you can remember, which is almost everything from the loops. Nothing about how you came here, things you’re good at, stars, even your birth family—

Your eye becomes unfocused before focusing again. You. Remember. A little of how things went after you left Dormont, but not particularly everything. Just a lot of warm feelings and apologies. Which had always confused you because you should’ve been the one apologizing, but they refused to let you.

You remember the sickness. The “chat” with Loop. The promise. The existential dread of not being the original Siffrin. The conflicted avoidance and attachment issues. The internal thoughts you’ve come to see as just facts, despite Odile’s opinion against them because you know the difference between a negative thought and the facts that describe you. Nobody knows yourself better than you, of course. Other than Loop, you were the only one who knew. Truly knew. How disgusting you had been. Repeating the same lines over and over and over for your own benefit. Forcing your family to do the same thing to fit this delusion you created. Of course, they wouldn’t be mad. They weren’t blinding there. They didn’t have to live through the whole thing 232 times—

The sensation of contact jolts you back to reality. As quickly as it appeared, it’s gone. You snap up and notice Isabeau beside you giving you a concerned yet reassuring smile. 

Isa? When did he…? 

Casting a glance around, you observe the faces of your family who, thankfully, aren’t all looking at you, as they casually chat with their plates near-empty.

You slump. You did it again. 

Breakfast had already been served who knows how long ago. Your plate of mixed scrambled eggs, hash browns, and bacon sits in front of you, barely eaten. Your fork sits idle in your hand. 

Graciously you gain no other looks of concern, though you do for a fact jump at the contact of Isa’s hand resting on your shoulder again before leaning into it.

You are here. You exist.

You breathe.

In, and out.

Letting out a quiet hum, you slip your offhand into the inner pockets of your cloak for your coin. The same coin you and Loop had swapped. Your doppelgänger. The only thing keeping you grounded in this reality better than anything else.

During your first few weeks out of Dormont you’ve been grasping at straws, staring and approaching anyone who even remotely looked similar to you, assuming if Loop were to return, they’d be human again because of the wish being fulfilled. Right? You hope so. For their sake. You couldn’t imagine them walking around town like…that. Having no skin to scratch at. Having no mouth to eat with. Did they even need to breathe? 

You want to find them. Your last encounter had been…not so great, except for the hope of meeting again, which you still cling to like a lifeline.

Though embarrassingly, you had been turned down every time. It got so bad your family had to step in, deciding it’d be better to wait for them to come to you. (You haven’t told them that Loop was you, but you’re sure Odile easily put two and two during your minor obsession.) However, you do still grow a pang of sadness every time you see someone who could be them.

Since then, you’ve been touching your coin more, in hopes just the contact would bring them back.

Except this time, your fingers only meet fabric.

…

Though!!! You could have just placed it in the wrong pocket. You reach your hand into the other pocket to be met with nothing. 

Your heart skips a beat.

You frantically check the other pockets of your clothes. Nothing. Nothing!!

You must’ve just dropped it while getting dressed. Surely it’s just back upstairs in your room. Right?

Up. The. Stairs. Open. The. Door. 

You check the floor where your cloak had been resting. Nothing.

You throw the sheets off the bed and shake them. Nothing.

You toss everything out from the drawers, move the furniture, look between the floorboards.

N o t h i n g.

How could you be so blinding awful to lose the one thing connecting both you and Loop. The one thing keeping you grounded. 

So. Blinding. Careless. 

Did you really think that little of them? Was whatever you were doing so important that you can’t even remember when you lost it?  Did your memories mean nothing to you? Did their memories mean nothing to you? At this rate, you’re not even sure if you’d be able to remember anything important if you can’t even keep track of a stupid coin. Something embarrassingly important as a coin to help you remember because your stupid brain can’t seem to make things stick.

You feel a shaky hand resting on your back, or was it you that was shaking? How long had it been there? How long have you been here… crouched on the floor?

“Sif, talk to me. What’s wrong?” Isa kneels to your right.

When were you sitting? You don’t remember. You never remember anything. When did you even lose it? You never remove it from your pocket, and your family left washing your cloak to you, so how? How could it be missing!? How could you lose something so precious?

“Is there something I can do? Anything we can do for you?” Isa leans more into your vision, face full of worry.

You shake your head. It’s stupid. To them, it’s just a stupid coin with no significance behind it. But it’s not like you told them. It happened before the loops. Before you knew of your country. Your home. Yourself.

Now it represents so much more than that. Your country, your family, yourself, Loop…

Even if you told them, they’d only recognize it as a bad memo, something that wouldn’t help. But it was grounding, the fact you wouldn’t lose your memory of these events in your life like you have done with everything else.

“It’s stupid,” you mumble. 

You curl even further into your cloak. The attention makes you feel small. 

“Sif,” Isa says, practically begging.

…

“I…lost my coin.” You turn your head to the side, not out of embarrassment of losing something so minuscule, but disappointment. In yourself. In your ability to remember something important again. The one thing you should’ve remembered.

“Coin?” Mirabelle’s voice comes from the hallway.

Isa lights up. “That silver piece you’ve been carrying around for a while?”

You nod from within your cloak. 

Isabeau smiles. “Well you heard him, let’s get looking.”

All at once, your family barges in through the doorway, and rummages through the already scattered remains of the room.

You feel a tug on your heart as warmth fills your chest. “Huh?”

“You should’ve just said you needed help looking for something. C'mon, that’s what family’s for." He flashes you a smile.

Your chest is practically on fire right now, and you're pretty sure your face is the same. “Hrmgh” You return your gaze to the floor. 

Once you accidentally let that word slip, they used it constantly. You’ll never get used to it.

“Were you under the impression that we wouldn’t help?” Odile questions.

You don’t respond.

Mirabelle looks up from a large heap of clothing, “Of course, we’d help you Siffrin, don’t think we don’t care about your problems! We’re here for you!!”

Pétronille helps their sibling inspect the interior of an empty nightstand before smiling to look at you, “If it’s something important to you, then it’s important to us!”

“Yeah!!” Bonnie calls from Nilles' side, “Now stop being a crab and help us look!!”

You look up from the ground, heart full of warmth, and smile towards your family.

Chapter Text

Everyone spent nearly half the day scouring through you and Isa’s room before extending the search to the rest of the inn. Odile had even asked the innkeeper if they’d heard anyone mention finding loose change on the ground, to no luck. 

Eventually, everyone expanded the search outside to retrace their steps from when they first arrived two days ago. Bonnie had insisted on being the leader to the objection of no one.

Another thing they made sure of was to stop you from leading so often. It had been an easy habit to break since you always enjoy following your family around. It’s nice. Not always having to take front navigating traps, scouting an area, or even finding new routes. Even if you were terrible with directions. You had gotten your family lost on numerous occasions. Even with a map.

Your sharp eyes continue to scan the ground, occasionally lifting once to see your family, then twice to assess the surrounding area before returning your attention to the ground.

This continues for a few minutes before Bonnie suddenly gasps. 

“There! There!!” They shoot forward, wrenching their hand away from Pétronilles, before promptly lowering themselves to grab something and triumphantly raising it into the air.

A silver coin.

Your breath stutters.

Bonnie rushes over to you, immediately shoving the coin into your gloved hands.

Everyone holds their breath.

Holdingthe coin between your fingers, you can see a faint reflection of yourself. It's cold like a silver coin. It’s hard like a silver coin. It doesn't shift and vibrate when you touch it. It doesn’t remind you of your existence. It doesn’t remind you of what you’ve lost. It doesn’t remind you of your journey. It doesn’t remind you of your nonexistent home. 

It just reminds you of a silver coin. Not yours. Not Loops. Not the one you lost. Not the one you don't even remember losing. 

You shake your head, handing it back.

Everyone deflates besides Bonnie who just continues staring at the coin. They look back up at you, eyebrows drawing in confusion.

“How can you even tell which one’s yours?” 

You cant help but notice everyone’s attention has fallen on the two of you.

“It's kind of like a gut feeling?” You find yourself saying.

That’s how it always felt when you touched it earlier, right?

Bonnie’s face scrunches up even more.

You’re confused too.

“Uhm,” You stammer. “Like, whenever I'm near it, there’s like some sort of static fuzz, or like a warm feeling, y’know?” 

“I don’t get it” Bonnie’s expression doesn’t change.

You shrug. “Well, I thought it made cents.” 

With a sudden burst, Nille erupts into laughter while Isa stifles nearby. Bonnie’s face scrunches up into disgust and you suddenly find yourself at the end of a shove. 

“No!! Bad!!”

You smile, regaining your stature.

It’s one thing you can always look forward to. Something familiar. Nille and Isa’s hearty laughter, Mirabelle's stifled giggles, Bonnie and Odile's disappointed groans. Things that’d always stay the same.

Sometimes you miss the familiarity. 

But it’s not like new experiences aren’t nice. You just want your brain to let you remember the good parts of the now, rather than the bad parts of the before. It's been nearly a year, you're doing better. You’re fine. Everything is. It should be. And even if you weren't, you have your family, right? You’re talking about things now, so it's fine.

You move forward before glancing up.

Everyone is looking at you in worry.

Were you making a weird face just now? You remember to smile, to let them know everything’s fine before you see the tinge of disappointment shine in their eyes.

Your smile drops and you mumble a quiet “Sorry.”

Bonnie gives you another shove, this time nearly throwing you off balance. “You should be! Get better jokes!” Bonnie shouts, unaware of whatever face you were just making. 

You smile warmly and shrug, “Well, I thought I had a great cents of humor.”

“You already used that one!!!” 

Just as expected, Nille and Isa burst out laughing, with Nille somehow outmatching Isa in volume.

You dodge Bonnie’s oncoming shove and they turn to continue again before Nille’s laughter stops as she loudly clears her throat, causing Bonnie to freeze. They look back to their sister before turning back to you, puffing their face to blow out a raspberry in your direction and running back to Nille.

Odile, who had been non-stop writing in her journal since you left the inn, steps forward from the back of the group. “Actually, this may be a good place for us to stop for now. We could all use a break from all this searching, seeing we’re nearing the end of this trail.”

You can't stop now. You immediately shake your head. The more time spent doing something else, the more time it’d take for some stranger to come across it, the more time for it to erode away into the dirt, and the more time spent losing connections to your memories to the point you’ll convince yourself that you’d be fine without it. Which you know you won’t be. 

“I think we should check the rest of the town first. Every second matters, right?” You turn to look into the eyes of your family with a look you hope gives them the idea you really don't want to slow down right now.

You then turn to take the lead.

Meanwhile, feeling your family’s gaze on your back as they hesitantly follow behind.

Why are they still so wary of you? Was it because of this morning? It's not like you were lashing out, breaking down, and refusing to talk. You did talk about it, and here you are trying to solve said problem. See. You can do that much. Even if you did feel like lashing out, breaking down, and refusing to talk. 

That’s probably what Odile has been writing about in her journal all day. She only started this morning and it’s been months since you last saw her writing in it.

You can’t help but tense.

It’s been months, and you’re still doing the same thing. Before the loops and even after the loops. You had thought this part of you would change. You hoped this part of you would get better, or at least be made manageable, but no. Here you are getting you and your family worked up over a stupid coin that you probably don’t even know is the real one. You can’t even keep track of someone else’s things. How will anybody be able to trust you to keep track of theirs? 

You lose your eye, apparently, since you had to be reminded of that because apparently it wasn’t important enough for you to remember. You lose your identity because apparently, you couldn’t even remember your own blinding name half the time, nonetheless the others. You're always forgetting. Forgetting. Forgetting everything. No matter how much you change yourself for the better, that'll be the one thing you'll never be able to change. What does that even make you then? No childhood. No name. No origin. Were you even real? Whoever you were before the loops died long ago. What little your family had liked about you has been tarnished, destroyed, and erased. Gone. Just like your-

“Siffrin.”

You snap up looking around. Your family’s nowhere around you. You turn to see them a couple of feet back, closing the distance.

Petronille pauses, looking between the worried faces of everyone. ”Maybe we should take that break.”

Your leg bounces as you watch Bonnie return alongside their sister, from behind a rather thin tree, carrying a set of containers while Nille holds the silverware.

“Snack time!!” Bonnie yells out enthused.

“Snack time!!” Nille repeats gesturing to Bonnie 

“Snack time!” Isa parrots

“Snack time!” Mirabelle smiles, clapping her hands together.

Odile, as usual, stays silent but gives the two a small smile and nod of acknowledgment.

“…”

You're too busy thinking of locations you've been to notice you missed your queue. 

Everyone notices your beat of silence but immediately continues as if they didn't.

Bonnie holds up one container containing a rice dish and another container with some sort of pasta. “Today we have leftover chicken with rice since I couldn't make more since we were so busy yesterday” 

You don’t notice their gaze shifting to you for a split second before they continue with the same energy.

“But you know. We've had it before, it's yummy.” They jiggle the mentioned container before emphasizing the other container “And here we have carbonara. I added more veh-gee-tah-bulls ‘cuz Nille told me to.”

…

“Hey!” Nille calls out “We worked hard on that one, give it more credit.”

“Yeah yeah,” if both their hands weren't full of containers, you're sure they'd be waving Nille off. “It's creamy, full of broccoli ‘n peppers, and not the spicy kind Za’s baby tongue can’t handle, the sweet kind.”

They lower the containers from over their head and shoves them forward. “Now choose!”

Isabeau, being the closest, picks first. “I'll try the carbonara,” Isa grins, holding his hands out as Bonnie and Nille hands him their respective items.

Mira raises her hand “I’d like the chicken and rice again please” Bonnie beams and runs over to her, dropping the last container into Mirabelle’s palms before running back behind the tree to retrieve two more.

Bonnie then runs up to you, snapping your thoughts back from whatever you were thinking about. “Which do you want?”

You look between the two containers before shaking your head. You're not hungry right now.

Bonnie’s eyebrows furrow. “But it’s snacks time. You always eat during those.”

You resist the urge to flinch but do it anyway. You didn't mean to make them upset! Your leg immediately stops jumping and-

Nille puts a hand on Bonnie’s shoulder. “C'mon bug, if they’re not hungry, we can’t force them to eat.” She smiles. “And I know a woman from Ka Bue who’s very hungry.”

“I’m normal levels of hungry, actually.” You hear Odile’s flat voice facing your direction.

Bonnie scrunches up their face before sticking their tongue out at you and runs over to Odile. She's on your blindside so you can’t see her expression but you can hear the pause long enough that you can assume she must be giving you one of those familiar “I'll be writing this down to discuss later” looks.

You're sure you received a lot of those today. You're suddenly thankful she hasn't brought it up yet.

Everyone expresses their love for Bonnie and Nilles' food. You still give Bonnie a smile. Despite not having any, you appreciate their efforts.

Bonnie relishes in all the praise before responding to a question Isa must've asked. “Yeah, Nille helped me pick out different foods at the market yesterday. She said I should make more nur-ah-shin meals to balance my diet. Which I still don't get 'cause I can balance just fine.”

“Nourishing.” Odile corrects.

Nille adds in, “It helps you grow taller, Bon Bon. You don’t want to be stuck at that size forever, do you?” 

Bonnie gasps, then immediately turns to look at you-

Hey!

-before shaking their head viciously.

“But I’ve been eating them a lot,” Bonnie continues, crossing their arms in confidence. “So I’ll grow big and tall just fine.”

“Tall Bon Bon” Isa begins 

“Tall Bonnie” Mira parrots

Bonnie smiles, then looks back to you. “don’t worry Frin, I’ll make sure you eat your vegetables so we can both grow tall together.”

You shuffle. You’re unsure whether to be embarrassed or happy to know they care about your growth. You settle for ducking your head into your cloak.

Bonnie then decides to run over to their bag and present to you all the different greens and herbs they received from the shop. Well, as much as they could carry back over.

They begin listing off the many vegetables they tried to get before Nille started adding in the ones she liked. You listen to Bonnie talk for what seemed minutes before their words seem to be pointed at someone.

“And we had to wait so long.” They say before pointing to Nille. “She was talking with the store owner for hours!”

Mirabelle looks over to Nille, “Oh is that why you two returned so late?”

Bonnie raises their arms. “I wanted to leave! But Nille kept going on and on, and the lady was so old and slow. You two took forever!!!”

“Oh, hush,” Nille turns to Bonnie. “We still got the food, right? She had an interesting history. She was on her way to Dormont to visit family a little before the king happened, but Instead of going back, she stayed at the borders. She saw one of the few first freezings.” She turns to Odile “I'm sure you two would’ve gotten along well.”

Odile smirks, raising an eyebrow. “Because we’re both old and slow?” 

Nille pauses in confusion before her eyes widen, face morphing into an awkward smile. “No No, because she was traveling from Ka-Bue. Her family was in Dormont.”

“Ah.” Odile returns her gaze to her book and writes something down.

Nille’s shoulders tense.

Isa coos, “C'mon M’dame so harsh.” 

She looks at Isabeau before continuing her writing. 

Isa mumbles “Isabeauoligy.” 

Odile stops her writing instantly.

Mirabelle holds a hand over her mouth hiding a laugh while Isa laughs loudly. “You sure you don't want to write that down, it could be important later?”

“I'm sure I'll be fine,” Odile smirks, lowering her book. “Now, if everyone’s finished, I'm sure Siffrin would appreciate us returning to our search.”

Huh?

You perk up, turning your head to face Odile. She gives you a small smirk. “You've been practically bouncing in your seat since we sat. Not exactly the purpose of a break. Are you well enough to return back out or do you need a few minutes?”

You immediately shake your head, jumping back up to your feet.

Nille finishes storing all the containers in her bag before rising. “Alright, I'm ready to go.”

Everyone turns their attention to Bonnie, whose gaze is fixated on the grass, deep in thought.  

Before anyone can say anything, Bonnie snaps their gaze up to Nille in confusion. “Hey Nille, what if we spent Siffrin’s coin at the market yesterday?”

…

Your heart plummets. 

Everyone shares a look of uneasiness. 

“Nah.” Nille’s quick to answer. “She offered us everything for free.” She raises an eyebrow to Bonnie, “don’t you remember?”

“No,” Bonnie deadpans, folding their arms “because you guys took too long, and I got bored.”

Nille lightly chuckles, but everyone still seems uneasy.

Ignoring the tension, Bonnie continues, “But what if someone else spent it? Didn't everyone go shopping yesterday?” They look at everyone confused.

Nille narrows her gaze between Mirabelle and Odile.

Mirabelle fidgets before nervously looking between you and Bonnie 

“I don't think it would’ve been possible for us to spend it, right?” She turns to you. ”You usually keep in on you. Do you remember when you last had it?”

No. when do you ever remember anything?

You avert your gaze to the ground. “I don't remember.”

“Ah!” she holds up her hands waving them “I’m sorry!” She then looks across the others’ faces as if trying to find something but fails to. She raises clasped hands to her chest. “I don’t think it could have fallen into one of our bags, well not mine at least” 

Odile chimes in, book and pen already back in hand, “Perhaps it had been lying on the floor and one of us could have picked it up, thinking it was ours?”

Everyone shares another look of uneasiness.

“Um, I don’t recall doing that, I think,” Mirabelle shuffles, “and If it helps any, I don't think Madame, and I had spent a lot earlier.” She brings out a small pouch and digs around before plucking out two silver coins.

Your heart stutters for only a second before you mentally beat it back into its unsteady, rapid rhythm. Not yours. Not theirs. You seriously need to stop freaking out at every silver piece you see.

She visibly relaxes slightly, “Yeah. I remember now. Before I paid, I remember having two silver left.” 

You hear the familiar skirch of Odiles pen come to a halt, giving Mirabelle a suspicious glare. “I thought you mentioned they offered our items for free.” 

Mira squirms under her gaze, her smile replaced by a sheepish one. “Well I, um, may have left just a small tip.” 

Odile returns a deadpan stare.

Mirabelle sputters “It just still doesn’t feel right accepting free offerings just because we’re the saviors. I know it’s been nearly a year since…” she sneaks a glance at you before continuing “…the king, but it just doesn’t seem all that fair.” She ends up looking down to the ground, avoiding Odiles' burning gaze.

“You realize that our gained expenses won't last forever,” Odile chides, raising an eyebrow.

“Yes.” Mira rises to look into the eyes of Odile “I still believe after everything the last thing these people need is to be giving out free handouts to a group of 6. Don’t you think it's a little unfair?”

Odile smiles, “I'll forgive you just this once.” She then flips to another page within her book and writes down a tally mark amongst many others before turning her page back and frowns.

She sighs wearily before turning to Isabeau, “So that just leaves…”

Isabeau’s eyebrows draw tight as he looks between you and Odile apprehensively.

You freeze. Why is he giving you that look? Why is everyone giving you weird looks?

You can’t help but take a step back. Did you do something wrong? 

He sees your panic and immediately straightens himself, breathing in and out. Just like you do.

“Yesterday.” He says as if that was clarification enough. He then pauses, looking at your expression, as if wondering if he should continue or not.

Yesterday? What does he mean yesterday? You were out with him for practically the whole day. You both went to the fabric store for that new eyewear he planned on giving you today before joining Odile and Mira in heading back to the inn where you stayed for the rest of the day. But Isa… he left this morning. He paid for it this morning. What does he mean by yesterday? Wouldn't that mean he might've just accidentally spent it at the store, right?

You feel your breath increase. “Yesterday?”

…

He pauses, considering if he should continue. His eyebrows draw tight and he smiles.

“No, uh, actually,” he raises an arm behind his head. “I could’ve just accidentally spent it this morning. They should still be open, maybe we can-”

“Isabeau.” Odile interrupts, cutting him off.

He goes silent.

Everyone’s avoiding your gaze. Why? Why?

“Yesterday, what happened yesterday?” You say a little too desperately.

He sighs breathing in and out before beginning again, “I think they were reciting a play you had liked. With the different voices. They were acting out each character with such vigor.” Isa lightly smiles at the memory. “You said it reminded you of something familiar, but the moment I asked you forgot.”

Who’s “they?" You…don't recall seeing anything like that yesterday. You had just gone to the fabric store and returned back to the inn, right?

But… if Isa’s saying it happened, then it must've been true. He wouldn't lie to you. It's not like you’d trust your memory over his anyways.

“Before we left,” he continues, “I turned, and you were gone. Moments later you returned saying it’d be rude to not tip the performer” 

You…tipped them? Yesterday? It was just yesterday, and you don’t remember. It was yesterday and you literally don’t. Remember. Any. Of. it.

“What did they look like?” You breathe out.

Isa’s eyebrows lower in thought. “I think they were wearing an oversized lightless half shirt,” he wrinkles his brow as if the clothing choice physically pained him, “and darkless underclothes, I think.”

You think.

An oversized lightless shirt, they wore an oversized lightless shirt…

A play.

One with different characters.

…

You 

You remember!

Yesterday!

After leaving the shop with Isa, you had spotted someone enacting a scene from a play. You tried to get closer to tip the stranger before feeling sick all of a sudden. You felt bad for ruining what had been a nice outing with Isa, but he was quick to tell you otherwise. 

You remember he tried to make you return home, but you wanted to see the rest of the enactment. It just felt so familiar, something from your childhood maybe, before you ended up feeling even more sick. You tossed them some quick change before returning to Isa.

You tipped them and went home. You tipped them without a second thought. Your mind was elsewhere, and you gave your coin away. You gave their coin away. The thing you swore to never lose, and you easily gave it away to some stranger. 

Your heart clenches.

And not only that. Of course, it's never just one thing with you. You did it again. Always quick to blame someone else for your misfortunes when you know it's your fault. It’s always your fault. Why did you even entertain the idea that Isa could've spent it? How could you have not considered yourself the problem? You’re always the problem.

Just like with your wish. 

Selfish. 

You forced your family to travel with you. You force everyone around you to care. You made yourself believe that it couldn’t be you again even though you're always the problem. It's always you. You. You. It’s never anyone else. You're always the problem.

A gentle voice calls out from your side “-iffrin, breathe, it's fine you're ok, it's ok.”

Mira?

You feel a hand on your back rubbing small circles as you follow her instructions and breathe in and out before you notice you’re clenching your arm tightly beneath your cloak.

You drop your hands and turn your gaze to the ground embarrassed. “Sorry”

Nille’s quick to add in “That sorry better not be for what just happened.”

“…”

“Hey,” Isa steps into your vision “It'll be ok, maybe…Maybe I could’ve actually just spent it at the store” Isa says, trying to be hopeful. 

You don't need his pity. 

You don't meet his gaze. 

You feel a hand slowly hovering towards you, a millisecond too late, and you brush past him, trying to ignore the sad noise he releases as you do. 

You begin your walk back into town.

“Siffrin?”

“Frin?”

“Siffrin?”

“Sif?” 

“Siffrin.” 

Odile’s stern voice cuts through the other concerned tones. You can’t help but freeze, and turn to face her gaze.

She’s giving you the look.

The look you recognize all too well. 

The look she gives you when you’d leave after blowing up. The look that lets you know they'll be staying wherever they're staying, waiting for your return whenever you feel the need to. The look that knows you'll never run away from them because they know you’re done running away. The look that says don’t do anything stupid, because even if you do, you know you can talk to them.

You feel your shoulders lower, and you return her a look she hopefully knows all too well. That you will be back. That you just need time to deal with yourself. That you intend to talk when you return. That you won't hide anymore. That you won't do anything stupid. 

You’ve changed. You want to hope it’s for the better. And maybe one day you’ll truly believe it to be. But for now, you know what you're doing. 

You breathe.

In.

And out.

You turn to walk away.

Chapter Text

Stupid. 

Stupid. 

Blinding stupid.

You round the corner of the closest building and wander aimlessly until you eventually stop, leaning against one of the nearby shops.

You promised them you wouldn’t lie. You know you can’t stop yourself from telling them it’s fine, especially when it’s not. This shouldn’t have to be their problem. They’ve already cleaned up after your messes enough times as is. 

The search through the inn was ok, and what little they did outside had been fine, but now…you should just find the performer yourself. 

Surely they couldn’t have gone that far within a day. People publicize information easily. Plus, you’re quick. You shouldn’t have to resort to asking anyone of their whereabouts. You certainly don’t want to add more to everyone’s already growing list of problems you’ve caused and are bringing back today, so you just need to calm down. Be calm about this.

You breathe innn..

and oouuut.

See! Easy!! No panic.

You propel yourself off the wall and begin walking. The street is fairly empty. You had distanced yourself from the busier market area that kept most of the town’s attention, so you only pass aimless villagers heading in that direction or milling about their day.

You should probably check that area you remember them performing yesterday first, just in case they are performing again today. Next, the shops nearby? maybe? Then the town exits, just in case they’re a traveler. Stars. What if they’ve already left!? They could already be kilometers away by now if they left yesterday!!

You breathe. 

Ok. Ok. If your family came in from the western side, and the last town was a couple of days away, they’re most likely heading towards the other town on the eastern side. Since everyone’s already planning to head there you could just-

“…performer around the northeastern side of town, they’re absolutely delightful…” 

You freeze, overhearing a voice in the crowd.

Performer?? 

The northeastern part of town?!

That’s nearby! Yes!! 

You turn heel and sprint back towards the northeasternmost side of town, speeding past a growing crowd of people. You hear the sound of music.

You eventually approach a crowd of villagers surrounding what seems to be a solo musician playing one of those small violins in an upbeat tempo. The musician soon finishes, opening their eyes to be met with the enormous crowd in front of them. They smile bashfully, thanking the crowd.

Your shoulders sag. 

Of course, they weren’t talking about the performer from yesterday. It wouldn’t be that easy. It’d never be that easy. You just need to focus. Where else in town should you look?

Your eye searches the crowd before landing on two familiar siblings speaking with a nearby villager.

You freeze. Before they can spot you, you shuffle behind a nearby wall and slowly you peek around the corner.

“…darkless pants with a lightless shirt. Oh, and they were carrying a bag with duo-toned spots on it.”

“Like a cow!!” Bonnie shouts out.

“Not really. He said it was less of a pattern, more like it was small enough to not see from afar. Like…” Nille snaps her fingers. “A giraffe print, but with darker spots.”

You see Bonnie turn towards Nille in silence.

“Like a cow.” Bonnie deadpans

…

“Like a cow.” Nille concedes.

After a moment, the clerk’s face lights up with an “Oh!” You can’t help but lean forward. 

“If it’s who I think you’re talking about, then I’m probably sure they’ve left town by now. Most travelers only stay for the market before heading off, though I’m sure you’ll probably catch them on the way towards the next town. Serocourt was it?”

 “Yeah, that’s what I said! They’re probably already on the way. We can still catch up!!”

Pétronille huffs, “Bon, we gotta make sure they’re not here first.” 

“But everyone already told us they’re probably long gone by now.”

Your eye widens. 

Everyone!? What did they- how long have you been looking!??

You look up and- yup the suns now reached about halfway across the sky. Nearly the whole day is gone from the earlier search. 

Nille’s voice perks up in mild annoyance, “Bonnie, we’ve only met like…three people. That ain’t everyone.”

Oh.

Bonnie refutes “Yeah, but everyone out of everyone we saw said the same thing! Plus, Za and Belle said others were telling them the same thing, too. We should just go now and catch up…” The rest is out of earshot.

. . .

So. Apparently, the rest of your family is out searching. Great. 

…No. This…this could be good! It’ll probably be easier to convince them to travel towards the next town sooner in case you don’t find them in time. 

You rise from the wall and immediately hasten your steps through the small gathering of townspeople. Your gaze easily falls across the crowd, scanning the multitude of people bustling towards the more packed shopping district, or hovering alongside the edges of the crowd.

You find nothing distinctly similar to the description Isa provided, though since the siblings mentioned something about a patterned bag, you should probably look out for that too. Your eye focuses on a group of loiterers near a store before turning your gaze towards a couple just exiting a nearby clothing store.

You sigh. 

Another fancy dress here. Another person with patterned pants there…

Wait- is that hair dye? Did that person really dye their hair totally darkless?? You…don’t know how to feel about that. Well, at least you know you have the option to revert the lightless ends of your hair if it keeps being short.

Averting your eye, you spot another hat wearer… Wait! That one looks interesting. Maybe you’ll ask Isa about that style later.

You switch your gaze to-

…

…!!

No- wait- they just have natural light-toned hair.

You mentally groan. Looking through this crowd is going to be the end of you. 

“…it was darkless pants, right?” 

 Mirabelle's voice carries from a distance, joined in by Isa’s questioning tone.

“Have you seen anyone resembling that description?” 

The merchant raises a fuming to their chin. A small frown aligns their features as their brow wrinkles.

You turn away. You don’t want to hear any more negative outcomes of where the stranger could be right now. Surely someone else had to of spotted them nearby.

“You mean the traveler from yesterday?”

You stop and immediately return, throwing yourself behind the corner of a nearby building — heavily ignoring the stray gazes from a few of the villagers.

“Actually, they visited my shop earlier today. They’re likely here, but not for much longer since they mentioned their plans to travel towards the next town later this evening.”

You frown. This again. Always within grasp, but too far away. 

Your fingers grip the wall. You’ll find them. You just need more time. It’s fine. You have a lead and you now know they’ll be heading towards the next town. It’s fine.

You peek around the corner once more and immediately lock eyes with Mira-!!!

You pull your head back immediately. 

… 

…

…Maybe she just didn’t see you.

Oh! She’s talking again. You slowly peek your head back.

“…Maybe we should separate to cover more ground knowing they’re still here?” You hear Mirabelle suggest. 

Oh. 

“…Probably.” Isa sighs. “I’ll let the others know when I can.”

You hear a hum of acknowledgment and the sound of footsteps approaching.

You jump. Thats Mira!! She’s heading this way!!

Move! Move!

You quickly shuffle into a nearby gift shop and hide behind a shelf facing the large front window. 

After a few seconds, you spot Mirabelle passing by. You sigh in relief. She really must’ve not noticed you after all. 

Rising into a full stand, you take a quick glance around the store. Yup, no patrons here. No time to waste then. You take one last look around the shop, spotting the many knick-knacks and handmade wooden carvings adorning the shelves, and sigh.

A shame. If you had come here with your family, you probably wood-ve run out of your soon-to-be-allocated funds anyways. You silently chuckle.

Turning towards the exit, you frown looking back. If you get the time, you’d really like to come back here. 

You exit the store. 

Ok, since Mira’s going that way, you guess you should continue towards the exit road on the eastern side of town. Might as well just keep watch, knowing they’re still in town.

You nod once to yourself before turning, nearly bumping into someone. You swiftly side-step, nearly losing your balance but somehow manage to stay upright. 

You turn back to the stranger with an apology already forming on your lips.

“Sorr- “ The stranger calls out at the same time as you. You pause and actually look at them.

…

Confusion shows in their eyes before it takes over the rest of their features. They, too, give you a once-over, only for them to freeze as their gaze reaches above your eyes.

You both stand at a stalemate. 

There’s no doubt about it. They look just as they did yesterday, besides the now-darkened hair, but you know it’s them. They even have that cow bag Bonnie mentioned!!

You smile.

Ok, finding them was the easy part. All you have to do now is ask for your coin back!! 

…

Wait, wouldn’t that just sound like you’re begging them for money? Maybe you’ll just have to swap coins with them. Like how you and Loop were supposed to before you blinded it by handing it off prematurely.

…

Wait!! You don’t even have any pocket change!! You can’t even swap now!!! Ok. Ok, you’ll just improv. That always worked, right!?

You bring your focus back to their wide-eyed stare.

Stars!! You’ve been silent for too long!! You’re freaking them out!!! Blinding idiot!! Say something!!!

…

You open your mouth.

They turn heel and bolt.

Stars!

You follow immediately. 

Buildings fly past your sight as you bend and weave through the many unrecognizable streets and alleyways.

Surely whatever mind-map you had of the town is wrong now. You’re not sure where you even came from.

You pass street vendors and follow them between alleys and small fenced yards leading towards a larger storage area full of crates — assumingly for one of the smaller market areas nearby. 

Beyond the many crates and carts, the performer maneuvers themselves through it with ease, propelling themselves over a nearby fence. 

Almost as if they’re used to being quick on their feet…

You shake your head and navigate the obstacles easily but still fall behind.

Upon landing, you realize you should actually use your words instead of trailing them for seemingly no reason.

Your mind races to come up with something. Anything to stop them from running. You open your mouth, voice tinged with desperation. “Hey! Can we please just talk and not do this whole chasing thi-“ 

You narrowly dodge slipping on a fruit that’s tossed your way. Thankfully, not the easily recognizable fruit you’ve grown to hate, but something that still could’ve resulted in the same effect.

Your eye narrows.

As you turn the corner, you briefly lose sight of them, only to spot their lightless shirt flashing behind a building on the right as they successfully execute a U-turn. You skid on the dirt path to catch up. By the time you reach the other side of the building, they’re already several meters ahead! 

Suddenly, they make a quick turn, reducing their speed to avoid colliding with nearby civilians. You mimic their actions, approaching the narrow space between the buildings.

!!!

The sudden shift between stone to dirt catches you off guard and trips you, throwing you to the ground. 

You clench your teeth, spotting the figure stumbling through the small gathering of people whose focus now lies on you.

Any embarrassment you may have felt in the moment is consumed by pure adrenaline and determination.

You dig your fingers into the loose dirt, ripping your body away from the ground, propelling yourself forward, dodging and weaving through the crowd. 

Out of the corner of your eye, you spot the two siblings again, this time spectating with the rest of the crowd. You have no time to spare a passing glance.

If you don’t catch up to them, you’ll lose the opportunity to talk to them. They’ll probably evade you forever and you’ll never get it back. You can’t waste this opportunity. You can’t return to your family empty-handed. You can actually fix your own mistakes. You just need to talk to them.

Your eye focuses on the distant figure, who only continues to grow farther and farther. They round another corner, and you stumble away from the crowd, hoping to cut them off through another alleyway. 

You pass through many openings until you suddenly see someone sneaking into a pastry shop.

You breathe out.

Gradually, you slow to a walk and approach the storefront. You slouch, feeling your energy diminish as exhaustion sets in. You heal a dull pain that must’ve formed earlier and pause briefly to catch your breath before entering the boulangerie.

The bell overhead chimes and the scent of baked goods greets your senses. The store is filled with an assortment of breads and pastries. There is a faint tingle at the back of your mind, but it quickly slips before you can grasp it in time. The owner turns to greet you before their look becomes stricken with worry. Right, you probably still look like you just finished running a marathon. 

You take a few deep breaths to steady yourself and glance around the room. Other than the owner, somehow the shop is empty?? But you know. You saw them come in here.

Your eye snaps back to the store owner.

“Have you seen anyone with a large, lightless shirt enter through here just now? They have something of mine that I’d like back from them.” …Was what you wanted to say. But you’re out of breath and your mind is spinning, trying to keep up with everything that’s been happening.

Instead, what managed to leave your mouth was “Person. Lightless shirt. Have you seen?” Not exactly the ideal description, but that’ll have to do.

“No- well, I’ve been in the back up until now.” They continue to look at you in worry before their eyebrows furrow. “Hey, would you like a place to sit? You look kind of…a bit rough.”

You shake your head, giving a quick “thanks” before exiting the store.

Upon closing the door, you groan, uncaring of your volume, or the people who glance your way while passing.

It shouldn’t have to be this hard to catch someone. Now where could they have gone? Where else would they be? They could be anywhere by now!!

Wait- 

The east path!!

The one that leads over to the closest town. If they planned to leave town, they’d for sure pass through that area at some point. And if you get there fast enough, you can cut them off so you can finally talk. Stars above. Why were they making this so blinding difficult!? 

You turn, letting your feet guide you towards the eastern side of town before suddenly realizing you’ve completely forgotten which way east is. You squint and turn to catch up with the pair that passed by earlier.

It doesn’t take long to find the eastern exit. 

A lengthy narrow path stretched from town towards a wooded area with a small stream crossing through. A small bridge passes over it, separating the dirt path from the loose cobble. Nearby is a bench on which you sit idly watching the air because no one has passed by.

No sign of the performer. No sign of people. Or anyone of the matter. 

Stumped 

You’re truly stumped.

What are you going to tell your family now?  

You can’t return empty-handed. Especially with how much effort they put forward just for you to go and blind it. You’re certain Nille and Bonnie saw you earlier. No doubt they’ll tell the others.

…

You wonder if they already found them…you hope they did. They probably handled it better than you could’ve ever done. 

You sigh, taking your gaze off the path and looking towards the forest. In the distance, you spot a tree high above the others. 

Could that be this town’s favor tree? Maybe you could-

With a clenched fist, you snap your gaze back to the path, consciously ignoring the overwhelming feeling in your gut urging you to go over there.

Why’d you look, why’d you blinding look? It’s always going to be the same. They’d come to you if they wanted to be seen, like your family said. You’ll only end up disappointed and feel even worse when they’re not there. Especially now that you not only lost something belonging to them, but also missed out on the chance to get it back because you wanted to check if they had been at that specific favor tree out of all the others you’ve already checked.

You keep your eye on the path.

You keep your eye on the path.

You keep-

But…what if they could be there? You don’t want to lose an opportunity like this when it’s right there. Your chance of finding them in town is already gone. What more could this do? It’s not that far. You’d still have sight of the path.

Your eyebrows pinch. What if it turns out to be nothing! what if they’re not there and you miss them while you’re fixated on this stupid blinding tree you already find…yourself…approaching.

…

Ok. Well. You’re already near it now.

You stop and glance towards the distant pathway. You’ll…It’ll be fine. You can still see them, even if they go by. You quickly glance in both directions along the path before approaching the stump of the favor tree.

You let out a deep breath and raise your gaze. You don’t see anyone there. You examine your surroundings. 

As far as you can tell, there hasn’t been anyone here. The tall grass remains untouched and scattered with untouched fallen leaves.

But even if there is even a slight possibility.

“Loop?” there’s no reply. You…decide to sit and lean against the tree. You feel hollow. You fixate your eye on the path. Still no signs of anyone.

As you slowly lift your hand into a fist, bringing forth your pinky and thumb into the familiar call sign you once attempted daily, the familiar pang of disappointment sets in as you only receive the achingly familiar numbing buzz of no answer. 

You allow your hand to fall as you slump, pulling your knees to your chest as you turn your gaze to the path. You disregard your thoughts drifting to thoughts of Loop no longer being here because they can’t. They promised. You look at the path you look. You look. You- don’t zone and you continue to look. At. The. Path. You sense the rough texture beneath your gloves and hear the distant murmur of the townsfolk amidst the sound of a tired sigh echoing from nearby.

…

You heard a sigh???

With a sudden burst of energy, you spring to your feet, frantically surveying the area, trying to remember the exact direction from which the sound came. 

You weren’t going crazy, right? Unlike the other times you so-called “found” them, you actually heard them this time! You’re sure of it!

Double-checking the path, you turn, venturing further into the woods. If it hadn’t come from the path then it must’ve been from within the forest. 

You turn and stumble through the trees. There are no signs of disturbed foliage or cracked twigs, similar to the tree earlier. You find it hard a whole town actually neglects its favor tree like that, so somehow you must’ve had the wrong tree! That had to be it! It just has to be somewhere else nearby.

You trip over a root but manage to maintain your balance and come to a halt, observing your surroundings. You turn to look between a thicket of trees to spot an elevated clearing with a single tree at its center.

You slowly approach and the sun hits your face. You breathe out. It’s beautiful. Surrounded by different colored flowers, decorative ornaments, and a small dancing Change statue resting at its trunk — Probably made by one of the townspeople. Its grass is well-maintained, and farther away you spot a path leading towards the tree. Had the path earlier led here? 

The tree isn’t noticeably taller than the others, but it is slightly bigger than the one you had been at before. Oops.

You reach the tree and place a hand on its trunk, quickly shifting your gaze upwards. At your current angle, you’re unable to spot anything within its foliage.

“Loop?”

You remain still, eye fixated above, searching for any sign of movement. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Minutes stretch on as the silence continues to linger. Your hope…gradually diminishes with each second.

Suddenly there is a rustle. Turning abruptly, you examine your surroundings only to realize the noise somehow came from above, despite detecting no movement.

A voice reaches your ears-

“When I said we’d meet again, I expected more words than just my name.”

-and you smile.

Chapter Text

You can’t stop yourself from smiling. You almost feel lightheaded. You’ve been waiting for such a long, long time to see them again. You knew your instincts were right!

“Awfully quiet now, stardust. Left the rest of your words back with your party?” Their tone, although lighthearted, is tinged with another emotion that you can’t decipher.

You ignore it. You have a Loop to talk to! You look up, spotting no movement. 

Well, it seems they’re not going to come down, so you guess you’ll just make your way up. You don’t like the idea of straining your neck staring upwards the whole time.

You approach the tree, reaching to retriev- oh. Right. No dagger. Guess you’ll just have to do it the old-fashioned way. 

You circle the foot of the tree, looking for the lowest branch to climb.

“Whatever it is you want to say, you can say it from down there.” Loop’s voice cuts through the silence.

You freeze.

A chill causes you to shudder despite the warmth of your cloak. You try not to think about the empty feeling in your pocket.

Perhaps they just… didn’t want to be seen? If that had been them earlier, then they had your coin, or- well- their coin, right? So everything should be fine.

Ignoring the uneasiness in your stomach, you find a place to sit near the tree’s base. A medium-sized root, near-similar to the favor tree back in Dormont.

You think. 

You have so many thoughts rattling in your head you don’t even know where to begin. You want to apologize for everything you said during your little rampage, but maybe that’d be too much too early? Maybe you could just start with how they’ve been doing.

But what if they haven’t been doing well? You don’t want to make things awkward by bringing up their recent problems. Especially when it seemed like they didn’t want to see you at all, probably even more now that they know you gave their coin away. They’ve already been avoiding you for nearly an entire year! You’re the one who just forced yourself into their life. No wonder why they still hate you.

You jolt. No. No more thinking. You’re here. They’re here. You need to talk to them.

You breathe, to recompose your thoughts, and open your mouth.

Loop cuts you off.

“So. Stardust. It’s only been, what, about a year and a half? Two? With how long you’ve been waiting by that tree you’d think I’d owed you money or something.”

“It felt like it,” you say, but it comes out as a mumble.

“Wow! He actually talks!” They clap once, “So~! Stardust, since you seem to have found your words again, tell me. How’s it been? I see you’re still alive. Got your eye and limbs still. Very proud of you.”

You’re unsure how they could see you from all the way up there…you decide not to ask.

Wait- stars, they’ve already started guiding the conversation already!

“Same as to you, I guess. I’m…really, really happy to see you again, or- well- meet you again!” You pick at your gloves. “And I wanted to apo-”

“Well, I~ for one, am glad to see you’re still in one piece as well, stardust!” They interrupt, the emotion from earlier lining the end of their words. They don’t sound happy. “Still traveling with your fellow party members, I assume?” They sound cold. Distant.

This isn’t going how you imagined. You’ve already upset them. You had been worried about them for the longest after they vanished. For the longest time, you strained your hopes of finding lookalikes to keep you sane, knowing they were probably somewhere out there happily living their life. To make you feel like you still earned everything. 

A heavy weight settles in your chest. It’s not like you’ve done anything to deserve their liking anyways. You’ve been selfish this whole time, wanting them back in your life, even though they clearly don’t feel the same. Maybe they still hate you. Maybe they’ll never stop hating you. You stole what had been there’s. Their happy ending. Their family. Their everything.

You clench at the loose soil to stop your mind from wandering any further. 

You should be happy. This is what you wanted. This is what you needed. An opportunity to apologize. Properly. For everything. You have an opportunity. 

Just say it.

“Loop.”

You’re unsure if it’s the change in your tone, but their tone shifts.

“Stardust, y-”

You keep going. “I’m sorry.” You clench your eyes shut. “For everything.”

They stay silent.

“I’ve been thinking a lot about what you said before you left, and I’m sorry. You were right. You deserve to be here just as much as I do, to be honest, probably more than me even.” 

You stare at the dirt.

“I’m sorry for what I said back in Dormont. I’m sorry for not listening to you anytime you suggested anything, especially when you knew better. More so than anybody else. And I’m sorry I haven’t told you all of this sooner.”

The only sounds you hear past your heavy heart are the distant sounds of the environment and town ambiance.

“I don’t want to be the one stopping you from seeing them and I just…you don’t have to keep avoiding them…Us. You can join… I-if you want to, that is! And- I wouldn’t even mind if…” If they claimed back their role as Siffrin. It was their name first. But it was still just another thing you stole from them. Their family. Their life. Their future. And now you’ve lost what could have been their last piece of comfort. The last thing connecting them to their past. Their memories. Their Identity. Selfish as it may be, you don’t want to lose them too.

Another beat of silence passes before you hear…laughter?

“Ha! You sure are, huh? Full of apologies today now, aren’t you stardust?”

Your eye snaps up, looking into the tree’s foliage as if you could somehow spot them laughing at you. Your eyebrows furrow.

Eventually, their laughter dies out with a last huff of air. You hear something rustle above, but you’re still unable to spot its location.

“Just let bygones be bygones. What happened, already happened. It’s not like we can go back and fix all of our silly little mistakes anymore~” 

Loop…

“Anyways, how can I help you on this fine new non-looping day, huh? Looking for more advice? Need a reality check? Unlike some people, I don’t have all day.” 

You frown. “You said we can’t keep doing this. You deserve-“

“And who are you to say what I deserve?” Their voice is dangerously calm.

You stay silent.

Unexpectedly, a flash of light captures your gaze and you hurriedly search for its origin before it vanishes, along with the sound of a gentle exhale.

Your eyes widen. So that means…

“Oh…” You find yourself accidentally saying aloud.

“Oh…? They fall silent for a few seconds before their tone suddenly becomes playful as if all their previous anger has vanished. ”Thought I’d been someone else now, did you?”

Despite the whiplash in conversation, and their inability to see you properly, you still duck your head down. You can almost envision their eyes creasing as they cover their—now that you know—non-existent mouth. 

“Oh, no need to apologize to me. I’m sure that poor little traveler you chased away would rather hear that from you.”

Huh!?

“Wait! You saw that!?”

“You’re not the only one to visit this tree today, stardust.” Their tone sounds exasperated as if you’d known everyone who’d visited the tree before you. “Good luck explaining that one to your party. I’m sure they’d love to hear about all of that.”

They let out another amused puff of air. “Poor traveler. Chased down by one of the saviors of Vaugarde. Honestly, I’m surprised they even outpaced you. They should be proud.” They scoff, “Must’ve let your party handle all the hard work while traveling because my-my, stardust, have you lost your spark.”

You feel your face darken as you grumble.

You couldn’t use craft, you would’ve just run into people. They should know that! It was already embarrassing enough that Nille and Bonnie probably saw you. Now Loop knows! Urg. And on your very first non-loop meeting too. 

You sigh. Though at least it had loosened some of the tension from earlier. You barely hear that upset tone in their voice anymore…Wait.

Wait wait wait.

If they hadn’t been the traveler from earlier, then…did…they even know?

Your blood freezes.

If they weren’t upset about that earlier when you thought they were…then why were they? Could they not tell with their weird mind-reading abilities or whatnot?

As if on cue, Loop speaks up, annoyed. “Stardust, I already said I’m not a mind reader. Did you seriously think that this whole time?”

You’d beg to differ!!

Ok!! You need to come up with something!! Obviously you won’t lie! But how could you possibly explain how you’ve lost something so important because you’re a blinding idiot who struggles to keep anything in your life without losing it!!!

You close your eyes and breathe. It doesn’t regulate your fastening breathing patterns, but it does slow it down some.

You’d have to tell them sooner or later. It’d be better to grovel on the ground apologizing than to avoid it forever. You already owe them so much. They need to know. And if they hate you forever because of it…

…

Your stomach churns.

“Loop…I…” 

…

…

“Sorry,” you end.

…

They deadpan. “You’ve exhausted that line already. Something actually new, please? Despite their annoyance, there is a faint undertone of uncertainty in their words.

“I…accidentally…on accident I-I…”

…

Stars if only the blinding words would leave your mouth.

For once, you want them to interrupt you. For once, you want them to somehow understand what you want to say before you say it like they had in the past, but they stay silent.

You open your mouth to continue, but can’t find the energy to. Instead, you focus your gaze on your hands, fidgeting with your gloves.

“You can keep it.” You mumble.

You at least owe them that. Loop shouldn’t have to deal with something that was your fault. Whenever you and your family travel to the next town, you’ll definitely catch up to them this time. In the meantime, you’ll just…have to make do.

“My coin…that is.”

…

…

…

“I…wow.” They sound upset. They hate you. You’ve ruined everything- “Is that really what you’ve been floundering on about this whole time??”

Huh?

They continue, voice now filled with amusement. “What. Did you expect me to throw a hissy fit over a piece of Vaugardian currency? Declare we aren’t friends anymore like two teenage schoolgirls? I already expected little from you anyways so what’s one more thing to add to the pile.” They finish nonchalantly.

Oh…Ouch.

Honestly, you were. But even if it seemed like they didn’t care, you do. You still feel the need to apologize; to make things right. Maybe it’s because of that same tone they’ve carried since the beginning of this conversation. Even after telling them of their coin.

You breathe.

“That’s why I had been trying to talk with that stranger earlier, and- well, I guess you saw how that turned out…b-but! we know where they’re headed next for sure! You could join us and we could-“

“No,” they interrupt sharply, “I’m not interested in joining your party, and I especially don’t want to be acknowledged as some stray begging for scraps of attention.”

“Then it doesn’t have to be that way. You’re still welcome to join as Loop and-

“Did you also lose your ability to hear, or have you lost your ability to comprehend basic words. Do I need to repeat myself?”

Right. They probably moved on already. You probably were the one stirring up bad memories for them. They probably were just avoiding you. Instead, you were just selfish, forcing yourself into their life despite everything about them screaming “go away”.

“Sorry…” you mumble, though that has you curious.

Before you can genuinely ask “why are you here”, you remember you do, in fact, want to come out of this conversation alive so you don’t.

“Now-now stardust, no need to apologize, can’t I just say hello to my one and only forced responsibility~? Can’t have another Siffrin off destroying another world now, can we?” they tease, but something seems off again.

You frown, “I just want you to be happy-”

“And who’s to say I’m already not.” Their tone makes you disagree. “You can’t just barge into somebody’s life and declare they’re unhappy? What would that make you stardust? Aren’t you just a radiating sunbeam of joy!”

“I wasn’t saying it like- I was just saying I wanted to make sure you were doing ok is all. Ever since our promise to meet each other again, I've just been hoping you’d visit sooner? I mean… I know I’m being selfish and I know you probably have other things going on but I just was wondering why-“

“Tell me, stardust.” They interrupt, voice suddenly cold, “Why did you actually come here? To rub your joyous life in my face? To show how much better off you are? 

…?

What??

“To straddle me alongside your little family, treat me like the worse Siffrin that needs to be fixed? coddled until their acting “Siffrin enough” for them? Or- no. Had you needed something grounding so badly, you finally remembered my existence for once.”

They laugh, an angry one-note scoff.

“Since a coin had been apparently more memorable, I suppose it’s nothing new to show such little care to those around you.”

Your throat tightens. What are they saying?! That’s not how you thought about them!! You’ve never thought of them that way!!! 

“What stardust? Is my very existence not just another emotional issue left for you to be resolved?”

You feel a knot in your stomach.

“Loop, I care-”

Their voice gains in volume. “No! I’d rather not hear anything from you right now, actually, so you can drop the act. How about you just do me a favor and continue pretending I never existed so you can live out the rest of your life free of guilt with your happy little family. Since that’s what you wanted, right?”

What?? What are they talking about?!

You stand, “I wasn’t-“

“Just look at you. Clearly my existence seems to be the only thing weighing you down and you make it so blinding easy to show how little you actually care-”

“Loop-“

“-because haven’t you heard the saying stardust? Actions speak louder than words and if anything’s proving how you really felt, you’ve already proved it months before you even stumbled upon this blinding tree! So why even bother!?”

Ugh! They won’t even try to hear you!! You can’t even get a word out!!! That’s definitely not what you think about them!! You obviously care! Why else were you looking for them near-constantly through every town you’ve ever been in since you left Dormont?! Why else did they think you’re here!!! 

You clench your fists. 

Blind it all. They were the one avoiding you!! Didn’t they know? Did they think you’ve been avoiding them? That you forgot about them? You never did!! 

You look up, squinting at the bright light. You’ll make no progress from down here, and they’ll surely keep ignoring you as long as you’re down here. You shake the extra nerves from your hands and make your way up the tree. Despite their shouts, they apparently don’t notice.

“You want a few last lines for catharsis? I’ll help you. I’m the one who made them all disappear. I’m the one who made that stupid blinding wish. I’m the one at fault for getting us both stuck like this. I’m no one’s responsibility but my own…so don’t tell me what I deserve when I’m already living the life I deserve right now.”

Something plummets past your face, embedding into the dirt.

“Just take your stupid coin and leave!”

Closing the gap, you spot them. Despite having to squint past their bright head, you see the way their figure jags out at multiple edges and their eyes shut tight as their form currently fades.

NO!

You reach out. 

!!

You reach their wrist, grip firm. They begin re-materializing under your grasp.

Relief floods through you until their moment of shock waves off and their entire frame begins to shake in fury, more edges extending around the area within your grip. The air flares up with craft.

You open your mouth before anything can happen.

“It’s not the blinding coin that kept me grounded!!” you shout. You look them in the eye. “It’s not who you used to be. It’s not what happened in our past, and I’m definitely not trying to step on or over your existence!”

They don’t move, but their craft still radiates in the air.

Cautiously, you continue.

“Coin or no coin, I will never forget about you, Loop! I never did!” You shake their wrist in emphasis, “Please believe me when I say what happened with the coin was an accident, and I know that’s no excuse but I just!!-“

You try to control your volume before steadying yourself.

“I really want you to know that I care. I know how me losing the coin isn’t helping me here, but I’m sorry. Really. I’m still here, trying to reach you!! I’ve been trying ever since you disappeared!!! If you haven’t heard by now I’m pretty sure half of Vanguard knows I’m looking for you at this point!”

Their hand twitches, as their brows furrow.

You continue.

“I don’t want you to think I’m treating you as something I’d easily forget, or some sort of thing that needs to be fixed. I want you to be happy for you. I wanted to apologize for you, not me. You’ve stopped me from making the biggest mistake in my life, and I’m forever thankful for that. Without you, I probably wouldn’t even be here. Stars, nobody would be here without you.” 

Looking down, you can see a clear view of where you once sat, despite how you hadn’t been able to see them from below. You return your eye to meet their gaze before they turn away, glaring back at the forestry. Their body seems less jagged than before.

You continue, voice steady, “It’s not just me you saved. It’s not just me you helped. And I’m definitely not the only one who deserves to be happy. You deserve these things, too.” 

Their body flares up again. They rip their wrist from your hand and you tense up, prepared in case they try to attack again, but they only continue staring you down viciously, clutching the wrist you’d been holding.

“My existence should’ve ended as soon as you got your happy ending. The universe already made it clear you’re the better one! The one who deserved the better ending.” Their shoulders drop tiredly and they turn away, knees raised to their chest. “I’ve already lost my chance. You should just leave. You’ve been doing fine without me this whole time anyways.”

“No.” You frown, trying to get in their line of sight, but they just look away even more.

“I don’t care what the universe thinks. I say you deserve to be happy, and I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one who would agree.” You raise your hands, “you’re the one who literally stopped the world from ending! So, no. I don’t believe for a second you deserve to be left behind.”

Loop just stays quiet, looking straight ahead.

After a moment of silence, they speak up. “And what do you suppose I do then? I don’t exactly fit into society. You may share that idea, but I’m sure everybody outside of your little group won’t feel the same way.”

“Then we can help set it right.” They turn to you with a hateful glare. Right. Stop asking. “I’m not saying you have to join, just…to at least have someone you can talk to who understands a bit more?” Well, maybe that one was a little self-centered, but they might share the same idea.

Loop scoffs, ”says the one who’s been avoiding me but, fine, whatever, amuse me.”

Oh, they really thought that. “But I really wasn’t?”

“Sure, and stars are just dots in the sky,” they deadpan.

You meet their gaze, confused. “You weren’t ignoring…?” You form the familiar sign and feel the craft fizzle through your hand. You raise it to your ear, thinking the signature “I really want to talk to Loop right now”. After a few seconds of silence, you lower your hand after seeing they had no response.

Their eyes narrow. “Well, you obviously must’ve been doing it wrong then.” 

They repeat your action, and you wait for any familiar buzzing of a received message, but it doesn't come.

…

…

“Stars. Well, that answers that problem.” You chuckle in an attempt to lighten the mood, and because it’s the only thing to do in this situation. They weren’t ignoring you this whole time! They actually didn’t hate you! But… had they been trying to reach you this whole time? Is that why they thought you didn’t care? Why they were upset with you?

You look to Loop, who only continues to craft their call until they’re forced to stop due to the numbness of their hand causing it to fall.

“Stars,” they bite out, staring to the side. A look of hesitant contemplation crosses their face before melting into guilt. They cross their arms, “Fine, you win. What do you want from me?”

Your heart plummets, “Loop, this isn’t about what I want. I just didn’t want you avoiding them because of me, and I wanted to set things right.”

“Well, you already discovered the mystery of the broken hand symbol.” They squint, “Why are you still here?”

“What,” you tease, giving them a light smile. “Can’t I just say hello to my one and only super-duper-close buddy-friend?”

They huff a snort. “Yeah, sure.”

…

…

The two of you sit in silence. You soon mimic their actions by hugging your knees to your chest, closing your eye, enjoying the moment of peace before Loop hesitantly interrupts the silence.

“I-”

Your stomach growls loudly, cutting them off.

…

…

“Wow, stardust.” Their voice flat. “Way to ruin my key scene.” 

“No! No!” You lower your knees, waving your hands, “continue!! Just ignore-“ Your stomach somehow growls even louder. You feel your face darken.

“Fine. I guess that answers it, then.” Their gaze shifts upwards, as the few brightest stars emerge.

“Huh?” You peek a glance towards the sky, now noticing how late it is. 

“You should head back.” Their voice loses inflection before returning to its sarcastic sweet tone. “No need to worry your little family more than you already do~!”

You instantly deflate, “So…this is it?” Not until the words left your lips did you realize how sad you let that come out. Well, you were a little upset they couldn’t even visit. Who knows when you’ll see them next?

They huff. “Calm down, stardust. I never said that. We’ll just…meet again sometime time later.” They wave their hand nonchalantly, “a brief visit perhaps.” 

You deflate even further, “last time you said that you were gone for nearly a year.”

“Hmm, well that’s true, I suppose.” They bring a finger to their ‘chin’. “Well, think of it as this. Another promise, a super duper one at that. I will be returning for that coin, so be sure not to go donating my possessions away again.” They close their eyes. “Though, despite your outrageous past actions, I doubt even you could lose it in one day.”

You perk up, eyes widening before their pinky obscures your vision, halting all of your thoughts. Glancing in their direction, you notice their serious expression hinting towards one of hesitation. You smile wide and nod, intertwining pinkies, meeting Loops’ gaze with an unwavering expression as theirs melts into one filled with hope. Without giving them a chance to react, you pull them into a hug. They stiffen.

“Thank you, Loop. I’m sorry I couldn’t find you sooner.”

After a beat of hesitation, they lightly pat you on the back. “Sure, whatever stardust. You have a lot of work to do…” They say softly, glancing off to the side, brow furrowed in thought. 

They slowly recreate the fourth hand sign, briefly holding it before lowering it. A far-off gaze laced their features as their shoulders slump. “As do I, I suppose.” 

After nearly a minute of silence, Loop unravels their hand from yours giving a small shove. They immediately spring back to their playful demeanor. “I suggest you start digging now before twilight approaches. Don’t want to break our promise already, now do we?”

Clutching the tree bark beneath you, you steady yourself, briefly giving Loop a flat stare before looking to the ground at the small crater where the coin lies.

Guess you have some digging to do.

Walking through the forest a second time almost seems cathartic. 

You skip once, then twice, pumping your fists into the air. Yes!

Although you may have ended up scaring another stranger, this one had been the key to finding Loop. Whenever you come across them again on your journey, you’ll have to give them a big thanks.

…

After apologizing profusely.

Now, where did you come from? 

…

You for sure remember seeing that stone somewhere.

…

Were you lost again?

…

Uh oh, this can’t be good, you’ve ended up back at the-

“Blinding-“  A voice angrily mutters from afar. “Stardust, just walk in a straight line! It’s not that hard!!!”

You flush.

Hey! You were trying!

It’s well past sundown by the time you approach the inn. You’re lucky the front desk lady had been informed of your indeterminate arrival and let you know which room your family had reserved for the night.

You notice it’s a different room than before. You guess everyone got normal sized rooms for once. It’s not like anyone liked the large room sizes anyways when they always bunked together.

You approach the door. 

Although you may have gotten out of an explanation earlier, you’re sure to get an earful after what happened today, in which you’d do it again. 

But first things first. You reach into your pocket, gripping the silver piece between your fingers. The one you’ve come to realize you’ve been depending on too much. You have your family, your home, your future right here. 

Although you may have lost Loops, you are determined to make it up to them… and make it up to your family for causing them so much trouble… and make it up to all those previous travelers…

But!

It’s a work in progress. You’ll get there.

It only takes two knocks and four seconds of scurrying footsteps before the doors flung open, revealing your family, expressions-a-many.

You smile wide, holding the piece forward. 

“I found it!”