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Despite the Watchers’ absence, Joel continued to meet them in his sleep.
There was no glass wall and endless darkness anymore, but everything else seemed to linger on every time he closed his eyes. He could still see it all—the unfamiliar expressions on his friends’ faces, the way they walked away, the gleam of utter hatred in their cold, cold eyes.
Sometimes he would wake up in the middle of the night, disoriented and feeling as though his heart is about to rip right through his chest. The loud, relentless thump, thump, thump of his heart would be the only sound accompanying him amidst the silence everywhere. On nights like those, Joel swears he could almost see those purple-tinted wings and those watchful eyes from the corners of the walls.
It’s unsettling.
Joel has always been grateful that he could not see them for as long as he could remember, but now he thinks this might actually be worse. The constant looking over his shoulder, the insurmountable fear that would come back when he’d least expect it, the uncomfortable feeling as if he’s being watched by invisible, unseen eyes—would it be worse to actually see them or not? Was it the exact, same thing?
(He wonders if Grian felt this way, too, while also seeing them with his own eyes.)
There have been nights where he would dream of waking up in a cold sweat, his shaking hands covered in deep gashes that would seep out purple blood. It feels so real that when he does actually wake up, Joel’s left disoriented as he frantically stares at his clean palms, though the image of those wounds are still all too clear in his head.
Sometimes he wonders if it would be better if he just doesn’t sleep at all.
Which is exactly how he got here, sitting atop Magic Mountain in the middle of the night, watching the distant lights from the others’ bases. There’s a creeping sensation of sleepiness at the back of his head, so Joel shakes his head in an attempt to stop his eyes from fluttering close.
When was the last time he truly felt well-rested after sleeping, anyway?
He figures it doesn’t matter, and instead distracts himself by thinking up plans for his base. The more he thinks about something else, after all, the more that he doesn’t have to acknowledge the heavy feeling of creeping fear at the pit of his gut, or the uncomfortable feeling of watchful eyes over his shoulder.
It’s okay. It’s okay. It’s okay. It’s okay.
It’s okay.
…So why are his hands still shaking?
Why is his heart still racing?
He sighs shakily, closing his eyes momentarily. He tries to think of anything, anything at all, but all he sees is that glass wall in front of him and the hateful eyes of his friends staring at him.
No. Calm down. Calm down.
The beating of his heart is so loud against his ears that it’s almost deafening. He feels like he’s drowning, suffocating in an endless sea, his chest tightening and his throat closing up.
Why can’t he get a full breath? Why does it feel as though the world is closing in? Why does he feel trapped even though he’s in an open area?
Whywhywhywhywhywhywhy—
“...Joel?”
Joel snaps his head towards the voice, and for a moment the waters in his mind calms down just a bit.
“Grian,” he manages to say, looking up at the other in what he thinks is a frightened expression.
Everything in Joel told him to just run away and hide because God forbid Grian saw him in this state now, but it’s like his feet are rooted to the ground. For a second Grian takes in the sight before him, and Joel wanted for the mountain to just swallow him up whole.
“Are you alright…?” Grian asks in a quiet, unsure voice. He takes a seat beside Joel, but neither of them looks at each other.
“I…” The words die on Joel’s tongue. No.
Grian shoots him a glance that Joel pretends not to notice. He couldn’t. He just couldn’t bear to see that look in his eyes, the concern painting his features.
“Couldn’t sleep?” Grian mutters as he leans against the grass with his hands behind his back, turning his gaze to the night sky.
Joel pulls his knees to his chest silently and rests his head there, wrapping his arms around himself. He wishes he could just curl up and disappear for a moment. “...Yeah.”
I’m scared. Joel wanted to say, the words fighting to claw its way out of his throat. I’m scared I’m scared I’m scared I’m scared—
Instead, it builds up deep in his chest, and it feels like he’s just swallowed rocks. It’s heavy, almost blocking his airway, and when he takes a deep breath to lodge it all out, it comes out shaky.
Grian glances at him.
Even without looking, Joel could almost see the lines of concern on his face, the way his eyebrows furrow in worry. He didn’t meet his gaze.
Grian glances at him, and even as he stood up to move towards him, Joel continued to pretend as if he didn’t notice anything.
He thinks that if he does, that if he meets the other’s gaze, he might actually start breaking down right then and there.
“Joel,” Grian says, quietly, softly, in a tone that indicates he knows just what Joel was feeling right at that moment. It makes him want to cry even more, because he always seems to know. When it comes to him, Grian always seems to know just what to do and what to say—even all the things that Joel himself didn’t realize he needed to hear.
So when Grian kneels beside him and carefully pries the hands hugging himself and instead replaces it with his own arms, Joel finds himself melting against the embrace, and those stubborn tears building on his eyes finally give away like a broken dam.
Grian doesn’t say anything, but Joel feels him holding on just a bit closer.
Grian doesn’t say anything, but Joel can feel the way his arms slightly shake as he holds him, the way he wraps his wings around him and in that moment, those invisible, watchful eyes seem to finally divert their gazes away.
All the while, Joel cries silently. His arms have fallen limply against his sides as he lets himself be held while he breaks. He doesn’t know how long he stayed there in Grian’s arms, crying those awful, almost painful quiet sobs that seem to wrack his entire body. He couldn’t even tell anymore what time it was, if it was still night or if the sun had risen.
When the cries have stopped and he calms down, Joel’s left leaning limply against Grian as a wave of fatigue greets him. All that’s left is the feeling of exhaustion and puffy eyes, but somehow his heart feels lighter.
He feels like he has just broken into a million shards of glass, but somehow he also feels better than before. Maybe it was because Grian was holding him through it all.
“You always seem to know just what to do in every situation.” Joel says quietly, as Grian hesitantly lets go of the embrace. In the quiet night, the two of them sat there amidst the heap of cherry blossoms.
Grian smiles, despite it all. “It’s easy to know. It’s you.”
And, okay, that was most definitely not the reply that Joel expected to hear. Still, it makes him feel all warm and fuzzy, like curling up under a blanket in the middle of winter. Somewhere in his distant mind, it feels as though a part of him has been bandaged up.
Not healed , no. It wouldn’t be that easy. But those words coming from Grian himself, the one person amidst this hell they’re living who has always been there to remember , were like the words of validation he’s always needed to hear. It wasn’t like he didn’t believe Grian actually cared for him, it was just that it was something completely different hearing it be told out loud.
“...We’ve never had conversations like these.” Joel says for the sake of it, not knowing what else to respond with. He looks away for a second.
Grian shrugs. “No more secrets, right?”
Joel doesn’t reply instantly and opts on watching cherry blossoms fall slowly from the trees around them. This time, it wasn’t that he didn’t know what to say. In fact, he knew exactly what to say, but the horrible feeling of fear came creeping up again. It’s almost pathetic, being this scared to admit you’re scared.
He takes in a shaky breath and glances away. “I’m scared.”
The words felt foreign on his tongue, almost like he was speaking in a different language. He tries to ignore the thoughts already piling up at the back of his head and the way his hands slightly tremble.
“I know,” Grian says quietly. Neither of them were looking at each other, but somehow it was comfortable. “It’s okay.”
Joel turns his gaze towards the night sky as a momentary silence passes by them.
“It’s okay, you know. To be scared of them.” Grian says in a voice that Joel wouldn’t have heard if they were just a bit farther away. “Even if our fear is essentially their power, saying to not be scared of them is just…a whole lot easier said than done.”
As he silently processes those words, Joel pulls his knees to his chest again and rests his head against his crossed arms. In the distance, the seemingly endless darkness was finally giving way for a rising, illuminating light.
“...Were you scared too? Back then?”
Grian chuckles. In the dim, growing light of the sun rising over the horizon, his eyes stare at somewhere over the sky as if he was recalling a distant, bitter memory. “Honestly? More than I’d like to admit.”
Joel glances at his friend as his heart aches with empathy. Silently, he wonders if their lives will always be like this—controlled by the Watchers watching them from afar.
“It’s just—” Joel’s voice grows quieter as he speaks. “I can feel their eyes on me sometimes even if I know they’re not actually here. It’s driving me insane.”
Grian’s voice grows somber. “I really hate it, Joel.”
Joel watches as Grian’s eyes reflected off the sunlight in the distance. His expression looked bitter and almost… helpless.
“I know exactly what it’s like to be hunted by them, to feel like you’re being watched every second, and now…now I’m watching you go through that same thing.”
And Joel realizes that he has nothing to say to that. He wishes this were all nothing more than a horrible dream because why? Why do they have to be here, to watch their friends die over and over again? Why do they have to play a part in their sick, cruel games?
“This is going to sound so sickeningly cheesy but…we’re friends, you know?” Grian turns to look at Joel with a smile. “I’m always here if you need anything.”
A bit shocked, Joel eventually nods and returns the smile. Despite everything, he feels just a little better now. “...Same with you.”
They stayed like that for a while, sitting in the comfortable silence as muted noises and conversations from the others reached their ears. It was morning now, the sun bright and high in front of them.
Beside him, Grian laughs. “This is the most awkward conversation we’ve ever had.”
“Did you really have to say it?” Joel grins, picking up some fallen cherry blossoms and throwing them towards Grian’s direction. His expression softens. “But really, thanks. I’m glad I have you.”
Grian sputters over a laugh, avoiding the flowers. “Joel! You can’t just say that while chucking these at me.”
Nonetheless, he retaliates by playfully hitting Joel on the shoulder, grinning. “But awww! I’m glad I have you, too, best friend!”
Joel groans into his hands, though it does nothing to stop the growing smile on his face. “Not that again…”
Despite his face heating up and Grian’s laughter ringing in his ears, it felt as if a weight had been lifted off from his chest, and the words he couldn’t say earlier had finally been released into the endless sky.
Maybe things would be okay, after all.