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While Stede had mentioned that they were going somewhere casual, this was not what Ed had been picturing, but then again, Stede Bonnet continued to surprise him every single day. They’d been dating for a few weeks and Ed was certain that they were in love, but there was still so much to learn about each other, which was very exciting.
Stede had been rather secretive about tonight’s date location, but he’d been very adamant about the fact that Ed could turn up in ripped jeans and ratty crop top if he wanted to. Ed hadn’t 100% believed him, so he still wore not-ripped jeans and a nice shirt that covered his whole mid-section, but as they approached the front door he began to feel overdressed.
The restaurant, and Ed was using that term loosely, was a townie dive bar that he’d never heard of before. There were neon beer signs in the windows, dozens of TVs showing sports, and every surface looked sticky. Stede, in his bright, mint green sweater looked completely out of place here, but he was so excited Ed could’ve sworn he was vibrating with anticipation.
“So…have you been here before?” Ed asked as he took the place in while waiting for the host to come seat them. It wasn’t super busy, but there were some people at the bar watching soccer and a few scattered groups eating dinner.
“Yes! I’ve been coming here for years! They have the greatest chicken wings in the world.”
“Better than mine?” Ed huffed, a little offended. He thought they made pretty good wings at his own restaurant, and Stede had definitely had them.
“Oh yes.” Stede said immediately, as if Roach’s wings weren’t even a blip on his radar. “And the best part is the sauce! It's just to die for, and you can’t buy it anywhere. I’ve begged them for years. I’ve tried to bribe kitchen staff. Nothing has worked.”
Before Ed could question him any further, the host came up and directed them to a sticky booth near the bar. The table was dotted with sports cards covered in yellowed shellac and the red vinyl seats were squeaking like the plastic on his grandmother’s couch and Stede just looked so happy.
“Stede fucking Bonnet, you mad man!” someone yelled from behind Ed, and he turned to see a tiny little sparkplug of a waitress running towards them.
Stede stood up immediately and scooped them up in a big hug. “Archie! I’m so happy to see you!” He said gleefully as they squeezed each other. “I’ve missed you all so much.”
“Missed you too, man! And who is this?” Archie asked, finally noticing Ed as they broke apart.
“Ah! Yes, this Ed, he’s my uh - “ Stede cut himself off. They hadn’t actually put a label on whatever this was yet, and Ed could see the panic in his eyes.
“Yes, I’m his uh!” Ed said with a smile, shaking her hand.
“We’re dating.” Stede said simply as he slid back into the booth. “And I figured it was high time to bring him to one of my favorite places.”
“This man is a fucking lunatic, Ed, I hope you can handle him!” Archie laughed while playfully punching Stede in the shoulder.
Stede was a lunatic, of course, but Ed was starting to realize that he’d apparently only just begun to scratch the surface of that lunacy. “Well, he’s a bit squirrely sometimes, but so am I. We balance each other out.”
“Love to see it. What do you guys want to drink?”
Ed reached for the menu, but Stede just shook his head and gently grabbed Ed’s hand and gave it a squeeze. “Please bring us your finest pitcher of Miller High Life.” Stede said with all the pomp and circumstance of ordering a $500 bottle of wine at some swish restaurant across town and not some piss-water that Ed hadn't had since he was a teenager.
“Coming right up.” Archie said nonchalantly, as if this wasn’t a shocking, new development. Stede Bonnet never drank beer. At least Ed had never seen him drink beer. “Take it you want your usual?” She continued, looking over to Stede.
“Oh yes.” He said with a big smile, straightening up and rubbing his hands together. “I’ve been dreaming about this all day.”
“10 wings drowning in Devil’s Anus, gotcha. And you?”
Ed’s head was still spinning from Stede ordering High Life when he was sideswiped by whatever the fuck the Devil’s Anus was, so it took him a moment to realize they were talking to him. “Huh?”
“Do you know what you want to order? Or should I come back?”
Ed spotted the well-loved menu crammed between the salt and pepper shakers and the paper towel roll and snatched it up. One side had your usual bar fare, but the other side was all wings. There were dozens and dozens of sauce options all ranked on a thermometer based on hotness level. All the way at the top, surrounded by flames and skulls and exclamation points, was Devil’s Anus which was almost half a page away from the next hottest sauce on the menu.
What the fuck?
Now that Ed thought about it, Stede did cover his scrambled eggs with some hot sauce from a black bottle with a single white X on it, but this still seemed extreme. Was this some sort of joke?
“Uh, wow, there’s a lot.” Ed said as his eyes darted all over the page.
“Don’t feel like you have to jump right into the Devil’s Anus, Ed. Louis says the garlic parmesan is really good.”
Ed frowned as he looked back down at the thermometer and saw garlic parmesan, the mildest sauce on the menu, all the way at the bottom. He then glanced back up at Stede who had a mischievous little grin on his face, and Ed couldn’t help but feel like this was a dare.
Fuck it.
“I’ll have what he’s having, thanks.” He said, maintaining eye contact with Stede as he set the menu aside.
“You sure, dear? It does have a bit of a kick.” Stede said very smugly.
There was no way Ed was backing down now. How bad could it be? Ed could handle some spice. And he could certainly handle just as much if not more than Mr. Carved from Cream Cheese sitting across from him. “Yep. Fuck me up, Archie. Bring on the Devil’s Anus .”
“Hell yeah!” Archie whooped, giving Ed a high five. “I’ll be right back with your waiver.”
“My what?” Ed called out after her, but she was already around the corner. “Did she say waiver?”
“Just a technicality.” Stede smiled.
“Do you have to sign one?”
“No.”
“And why not?”
“I signed a lifetime one ages ago! Oh! If you finish all 10 wings they give you a t-shirt and they put your picture up on the wall!”
Ed loved a free t-shirt, but he hadn’t realized he was signing up for an episode of Man vs. Food when agreeing to this date. He felt like he’d slipped into an alternate universe, or that a camera crew was going to come out of hiding at some point, but he didn’t want to show any fear. “What do the shirts look like?”
“I’m so glad you asked!” Stede said with a big smile.
He pulled off his sweater to reveal a well-worn gray t-shirt that said ‘I ate the Devil’s Anus and survived!' in big, black letters across the front. The fabric was very thin and it was tight across Stede’s broad, muscular shoulders and chest. He must have won this back when he was a scrawny college student or something. All Ed knew was that he looked hot as fuck and if they weren’t in public he’d be launching himself over the table.
“They only give you a shirt for your first time, otherwise they would be my entire wardrobe.” Stede said as he leaned back, causing his chest to strain against the fabric a bit more.
“Are you trying to kill me?”
Stede chuckled. “What do you mean?”
“First you hit me with your horrible taste in beer, and then with food I have to sign a waiver to eat, and now you’re just practically naked.” Ed’s anxiety and horniness had him flustered, but before he could elaborate further Archie returned with their beer and a clipboard.
As Stede poured them two big, frosty glasses of beer, Ed skimmed the waiver. “This is a lot of words.” He noted, eyes widening at the text at the very top which declared the Devil’s Anus wings the hottest wings in the world.
“Just a bunch of mumbo jumbo saying you can’t sue us when you get the fireball shits in a few hours.” Archie explained as they leaned against the table.
“Oh.” Ed squeaked out, trying to absorb some of the fine print. “And just how bad are those fireball shits?”
“No fucking clue man, I don’t eat those things. That sauce could melt steel beams. Your boyfriend is one of the few people I’ve ever seen come back for seconds.”
Ed and Stede briefly made eye contact at her use of the word boyfriend and smiled.
“And thirds, and fourths, and fifths…” Stede said cheerfully as he pushed Ed’s beer towards him. “There’s still time to change your mind if you’re scared, but for what it's worth I've never had any adverse effects. You system might be a bit more delicate than mine though.”
Ed signed immediately, unsure if he was signing a chicken wing death wish waiver or a mortgage, and handed the clipboard back to Archie. His competitive nature was kicking in and he refused to let Stede win before they'd even got properly started. “I never get scared, and I’m looking forward to receiving my new t-shirt and coming back for seconds.”
Archie didn’t seem convinced as they headed back towards the kitchen, and honestly neither was Ed, but if Stede could handle the heat, so could he, right?
There was a comfortable silence as they sat back and drank their beers, which wasn't as awful as Ed remembered. Stede looked beautiful in the soft, warm glow coming from the lamp hanging above the table, and even though Ed was growing more and more concerned about his well-being at the prospect of eating these wings, at least he’d have Stede’s pretty face to look at.
“So, what’s the deal with these wings?” Ed asked, finally.
“I love them.”
“Do you actually love them, or are you just fucking with me?”
“Why would I be fucking with you?”
“I…I don’t know. I just don’t usually have to sign a waiver before eating something.”
“You should be more adventurous with your cuisine then. Are you nervous?” Stede teased before taking another sip of his beer.
“What? No, of course not. You're going down.” Ed huffed.
"This isn't meant to be a competition. Plus, I'm very confident in my abilities. I do have the shirt to prove it, after all."
“Soon enough I'll have one too. And what’s with the beer?”
“I don’t usually drink it, of course, but I really think it helps bring out the subtle notes of the sauce. Plus, despite my repeated requests, they refuse to add a wine menu, so we are stuck with the champagne of beer. Pinkies up!”
They clinked their glasses, with their pinkies firmly up, and then both laughed into their beers as they took a sip.
“I love you.” Ed said simply, because he did. He loved Stede Bonnet so much. He loved every single weird little thing about him.
Stede’s eyes widened, and he suddenly looked like a deer caught in the headlights because oh yeah, they hadn’t actually said it out loud yet. He looked absolutely terrified for a moment, but then reached out and squeezed Ed’s hand. “I love you too.”
“Yeah?”
“Yes.” Stede leaned forward and brought Ed’s hand up to his lips and gave it a kiss. “Well, unless you don’t pass this chicken wing test. Then we’re through.”
Ed let go dramatically and crossed his arms over his chest. “I knew you had ulterior motives, Bonnet. Do you do this with all of your other boyfriends? Is this how you weed out the weak ones?”
“Oh? Are we boyfriends now?” Stede asked, cocking his head, and Ed could feel himself getting flustered again. Stede, sensing this, reached over and took both of Ed’s hands in his and brought them down to the sticky table. “Ed, deep breath. This isn’t a test, I just genuinely wanted to bring you here because I enjoy it, and yes, the wings are very hot and no, you don’t have to eat them and yes, I get them every time I come here. And this place is just…it’s just unironic and fun and a nice escape. Plus, it’s the only place I’ve found in the city that truly satiates my need for spice.”
“My ass isn't spicy enough for you?”
“Not as spicy as these wings.”
Just then Ed noticed Archie approaching with two plates from the kitchen. “Well I’ll soon be the judge of that. And I can’t wait to fuck you later while wearing my new t-shirt.”
“We shall see.”
Stede let go of his hands and topped off their beers while Archie set the plates in front of them. The sauce was bright red, and Ed could feel the heat radiating off of them. His eyes watered as the steam wafting off of them hit his nose and he leaned back immediately, wondering if it was too late to order the garlic parmesan.
Stede wasted no time digging into the pile of molten lava in front of him, eating his first wing with a fervor Ed had never seen before. As he sucked the bone clean there was sauce all over his face and hands and he just looked so happy as he grabbed his second one. “They’re great today! Make sure you don’t touch your eyes!” He garbled around his mouthful food before tucking into the next one.
Right. It was time. He looked down at his plate and took a deep breath, which made his eyes water once again and he shuddered as every fiber of his being told him no.
He could do this though. Mama Teach didn’t raise no bitch.
He picked up his first wing and almost dropped it as the spice hit his nostrils, but he persevered. He glanced up at Stede, who looked happier than a pig in shit as he ate his third wing, and then over to the bar where Archie and several others were watching him with rapt attention.
Fuck it, he thought, before taking a huge bite.
The heat hit almost immediately, and he tried to swallow as quickly as possible, hoping that would help, but it felt like his mouth and throat and esophagus were literally on fire. He dropped the wing and started coughing and flailing around to find his beer glass.
“Everything ok, love?” Stede asked very sweetly before sucking another bone clean.
“Fuck you, how can you eat that?” Ed spat out between coughs. His eyes were watering, but he didn’t dare wipe them with his saucy fingers. He started chugging his beer, knowing that it wouldn’t do much in the grand scheme, but he was desperate for any sort of relief.
“Easily.” He said, picking up another one. “Would you like some milk?”
Ed shook his head no as he finished his beer and then began pouring another when Archie popped back up next to him like a meerkat. “You good? You made it farther than most! Better luck next time.”
He was too busy chugging to respond, but Stede had his back. “Can you please bring him some chocolate ice cream?”
“On it!” She said before scurrying away.
Ed suddenly snatched Stede’s plate and took a big whiff of the remaining wings, wanting to make sure Stede wasn’t secretly eating something way less spicier, but as soon as he breathed in he fell into another coughing fit while Stede snatched it back.
“Guess you wont be fucking me in that brand new shirt after all? Pfft.”
“Stede.” Ed said weekly, his mouth somehow still on fire. “I’m so serious, how the hell can you eat that?”
“I don’t know, I just do. Always loved a bit of spice! Mary said that I’d scorched my taste buds so badly that nothing phases me anymore, and maybe she’s right. This sauce is just delicious though. There are some lovely sweet and smokey notes underneath the spice. I would put this on everything I ate if I could.”
Ed just shook his head as the bowl of ice cream appeared in front of him. He dug in immediately, savoring the cool relief that washed over his tongue. When Archie tried to take Ed’s plate away Stede nearly jumped out of his seat to stop her, wanting the rest of Ed’s wings for himself.
“You’re really going to eat 20 of those?” Ed squawked out.
“I’ve seen him eat 20 followed by 3 shots of just the sauce. Told you he’s a lunatic.” Archie said before disappearing once again.
Ed just sat back and watched in awe as Stede finished off wing after wing without breaking a sweat. In fact, he seemed to be enjoying the heat, making little hums of approval throughout and going on and on about how he wished he had the sauce for his morning eggs.
“I didn’t realize you were such a sadist.” Ed noted while Stede licked an errant drip of sauce from his wrist. Ed would have found the whole thing extremely sexy if Stede wasn’t slathered in Devil’s Anus. Selfishly, he wondered how long the spice would linger on his tongue since kissing him immediately seemed risky.
“You have a lot to learn about me.”
“I’m looking forward to it. How long have you been coming here?”
“Oh I don’t know, 10 years? Maybe longer? I used to come here after work a lot to drown my sorrows in hot sauce, but haven’t needed to as much since I quit. Figured it was time to start coming here for fun now. I need to bring the kids back as well."
"I hope you don't make them eat these wings."
"No no, of course not, though Alma seems to like a bit of heat. Louis usually just gets nuggets with the garlic parm."
Ed continued to shake his head in disbelief as Stede worked through the last of his wings. Archie tried to offer him some chicken nuggets several times, much to the delight of Stede, but he just kept waving her off, content with the ice cream.
Once Stede was done he made sure to thoroughly clean himself up with some moist towelettes before tugging his sweater back on and turning back into the suburban dad with the perfectly coiffed hair and discerning taste that Ed knew and loved, though he was pretty sure he fell in love with him all over again tonight.
They finished up just as the bar started getting fuller and louder, and Ed was glad to get out of there before it started getting too raucous. He felt like an old man, but he was so much more content to spend the evening with his boyfriend at home than out at the bars til the sun came up.
Speaking of.
“So. Boyfriends?” Ed asked as they walked towards Stede’s car.
“Well I suppose we can be boyfriends, even though you only managed a single bite.” Stede tutted with faux indignance.
“That just means I’m a human being. We aren’t meant to eat stuff like that. Every day I grow more and more convinced you’re some sort of alien.”
Stede stopped next to his car and turned back to Ed with a smile on his face. “Maybe I am. You still love me though, right?”
Ed’s heart fluttered a bit at that. “I love you very much, Stede Bonnet.” He said as he stepped closer and wrapped his arms around him. “I love you even though you might be an alien. Actually, I love you because you might be an alien.”
“Well I love you very much too, even though you’re a wimp when it comes to spice.”
“Hey! There’s spice and then there’s whatever the hell you just put into your body!”
“You’re just jealous because you wont be the spiciest thing I consume today.”
“All right, boyfriend, I’ll tell ya what. You come back to my place right now and I will show you some real spice.”
“Is that a fact? It’d have to pretty spicy.”
“Yes. Those wings couldn’t get you to break a sweat, but I guarantee I will.”
“Well then, game on, boyfriend.”
Ed leaned forward and gave Stede a big kiss, pinning him against his car. There was still a bit of lingering Devil’s Anus on his lips, but that was nothing compared to what Ed had planned for him.