Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Flanagan's Bar, established in 1995, was in most aspects, a fairly mediocre dive bar. Located in the middle of nowhere, approximately ten miles west of Gotham City off of exit 45 on the turnpike, it boasted chintzy decor, a variety of cheap liquor, and bathrooms that were both working maybe 75% of the time. Ordinarily, a bar like this would linger for ten, twenty years tops, and maybe appear on an episode of Bar Rescue, but Flanagan's stayed open and thriving, despite its limited clientele.

Or rather, because of its limited clientele.

You see, Flanagan's Bar wasn't just a normal dive bar. Oh no. Flanagan's was a Rogue dive bar. The Rogue Dive Bar.

The owner, one Tommy Flanagan, had been a low-level enforcer for the Maroni crime family when he was just a wee lad. However, after a five-year stint in Blackgate, he got out of the life and decided to open a bar to serve his fellow mob grunts. As the years went by and the mob in Gotham became increasingly irrelevant, the mob grunts slowly became Rogue henchmen. Soon enough, the Gotham Rogues themselves became regular customers. At least the ones who couldn't or wouldn't go to the Iceberg Lounge. Flanagan didn't turn them away, however. Their money was just as good as anyone's. As long as they paid their tabs and didn't piss him off too much, he'd let them come into his establishment and drink and socialize to their heart's content. Flanagan's Bar built a reputation as a safe house for Rogues, and word soon spread westward. By the bar's twenty-fifth anniversary, the Flash Rogues were regular customers, as were Rogues and henchmen from Keystone, Central City, and Metropolis. It was rumored that Lex Luthor himself had made an appearance, though the billionaire vehemently denied it when asked. 

Flanagan's was a beloved establishment by Rogues from all cities, and it served an important purpose by being a place where they could blow off steam, have fun, and cultivate potential alliances. The inner politics of Rogues Galleries, both with others and amongst themselves, were as convoluted and explosive as those of Europe pre-World War I on a good day, so Flanagan's served as a neutral zone. Old Man Tommy had just one simple rule: whatever problems you had with another Rogue, you left it outside the bar. Rogues being Rogues though, bar brawls were not an uncommon occurrence.

Which brings us to now.

Bruce Wayne, otherwise known as Batman, was speeding to Flanagan's as fast as the Batmobile would allow. He'd known about the bar for years, of course. He'd frequently gone undercover there as Matches Malone. Flanagan himself had served as an informant on occasions when a certain Rogue's scheming crossed a red line, (usually one of the Gotham Rogues) or if he was pissed at someone for either not paying their bar tab or acting a fool. (Also usually one of the Gotham Rogues, with one notable exception that we'll get to later). Bruce had been content to let the bar stay open, even if he dreaded the times he had come to break up a fight. Like now.

He took exit 45 and drove the five hundred feet down the road until he reached the site of the bar and the absolute bedlam that was unfolding. As soon as he parked and opened the hatch, a purple blur came flying out of a window, giggling like a madman and landing on the hood of the batmobile. Much to his disgust, Bruce recognized the Joker. The Clown was hugging his arms to his torso and laughing his head off when he opened his eyes and saw Bruce.

"Batsy!" he called out. "You're here! Now the party's really getting started!"

Bruce leaned down and glowered. "What did you do this time!?"

Joker looked almost put out. "Me? Why, I did nothing! Nothing! Spooky started it!"

'Spooky'? Bruce looked towards the bar with a new sense of alarm. What was Crane doing here!? He handcuffed Joker and put him in the back seat of the Batmobile. Then he rushed towards the bar's front door and kicked it open, only to get a front-row seat to the carnage unfolding. Every person in the bar it seemed was engaged in fisticuffs with someone else, in some cases, multiple people. Tables were overturned, chairs were getting thrown, and glasses and bottles were being shattered over people's heads. On the far left side of the bar, halfway between the bar and the front door, Bruce saw Jervis Tetch cowering with Toyman under a table, his hat pulled over his head in an attempt to hide himself. On the far right, Floyd Lawton was in a fistfight with Slade Wilson and losing badly until Waylon Jones bodyslammed Slade to the floor, much to the delight of a cheering Harley.

In the center of the room, just in front of the bar, Bruce saw the largest group of people fighting. He recognized Harvey, Killer Moth, Crazy Quilt, and Kite Man in a brawl with Captain Cold, Heat Wave, Weather Wizard, and Trickster. To the right of that group, Bruce spotted Query and Echo kicking a prone figure on the floor. Although he couldn't see their face, Bruce could see the burlap costume the figure wore and recognized him as Jonathan Crane. He did a quick scan of the bar but saw no sign of Edward Nigma. Odd. 

He took a step forward, grabbed the heads of the two henchmen closest to him, and smashed their skulls together, knocking them out instantaneously. Several heads turned in his direction and many smaller fights stopped.

"Oh shit!" A random goon shouted. "It's the Bat!" 

Two brave souls who had been dueling each other with pool cues charged towards Bruce. One raised his cue in an overhead swing which Bruce easily dodged. He then grabbed the cue from the hands of the second goon and used it to club the first one before jabbing the second one in the stomach with the cue's end. As both men went down, Bruce could see a dozen more approaching. This was going to be a tough one.

A loud whistle from behind him brought all the fights to a screeching halt. Bruce looked over his shoulder and was half-relieved and half-annoyed to see the Flash behind him.

"Hey!" Flash, AKA Wally West, called out. "What the heck's going on here!?"

The brawlers at the bar froze in position. Cold had Kite Man in a headlock, while Crazy Quilt held onto the front of Heat Wave's costume. Trickster waved the hand that wasn't holding a rubber chicken from his current perch atop Harvey's shoulders. "Hi Flash! We're having a bar fight!"

"I see that James!" Wally walked up to Bruce's side, shaking his head. "Yeah, I see that."

"Did Flanagan call you?" Bruce asked.

"Yeah. He said that my Rogues were fighting some of your guys." Wally took a quick mental headcount of the people at the front of the bar, then paused. "Hold on. Tommy said that Sam and Digger were here too. Did they split?"

Trickster, ever accommodating, turned his head towards the hallway that led to the bathroom and employee areas. "Sam! Flash is here!" Out emerged Mirror Master, hefting an unconscious Captain Boomerang over his shoulders. He laid the man down on a pool table and then joined his companions at the bar. 

Wally dashed to the pool table. "Whoa, is Digger okay?"

"He's fine," Mirror Master answered. "He's just drunk off his ass. Crane didn't hit him hard enough to really hurt him."

"Crane?" Wally repeated. "As in Jonathan Crane? Scarecrow?" His eyes darted back towards the bar, exactly where Query and Echo were standing over a groaning Crane. His eyes almost bugged out of his mask. "He hit Digger? I mean yeah, he probably would after spending two minutes with him, but what's he even doing here? I didn't think this was his scene."

"It's not," Bruce answered. He crossed his arms and fixed the Rogues with a wilting glare. "What exactly happened here?"

Trickster immediately pointed at Crane. "He started it! He walked up to Digger and slugged him for no good reason!"

"That's a lie!" Jervis shrieked. He'd come out of hiding at some point and was now pointing at Boomerang's sleeping form. "This chav provoked him! We all saw it!"

"Hold on," Lawton chimed in. "That's not true. Harkness didn't say two words to Scarecrow before he hit him. Nigma was doing the provoking."

Floyd Lawton defending George Harkness? He must be telling the truth. Bruce turned his attention to Query and Echo. "Where is Nigma?"

The henchwomen looked at each other before Query shrugged. "We put him in an Uber a few minutes before the fight started. He's probably halfway home by now."

Bruce would have to contact Damian or Selina to verify that. In the meantime, he needed to figure out exactly what had happened and who was responsible. Rogue Wars had started for far less than this. Wally knew that too if the set of his jaw was any indication. "Flash, get everybody seated. I'm going to go check on Flanagan and the employees."

In the three minutes it took for Bruce to speak to Flanagan, Wally had gotten the main room in the bar somewhat organized. The henchmen who were injured were allowed to leave, while the remaining denizens were seated at tables according to their allegiances. Harkness was left to lie on the pool table he'd been dropped on while Crane and Slade were draped over tables. The Gotham Rogues and their counterparts from Central City/Keystone were sat across from each other, glaring daggers all the while. Bruce emerged from the employee area and took a seat next to Wally at the table closest to the front door.

"Flanagan and his employees have decided to remain in their panic room until this situation is resolved," Bruce said. "He also told me that he was taking inventory most of the evening and didn't witness the fight or what led up to it."

Wally clapped his hands together. "Right. So, who wants to go first?" Trickster, Jervis, Harley, and Toyman immediately raised their hands. After a quick glance at each other, Query and Echo did as well. Bruce nodded at them. "Ladies first," Wally said. "Er, no offense Harley."

"None taken," Harley chirped.

Query lit a cigarette and took a long drag before she spoke. "Okay," she said. "So this whole thing didn't start tonight. It started three weeks ago." She gestured towards Bruce. "You know the Boss and Crane broke up, right?"

"I was aware of that, yes," Bruce answered.

Wally looked from Bruce, to Query and Echo, to Crane's limp form, then back to Bruce. "Riddler and Scarecrow were dating? Seriously? That's messed up." He cringed. "Uh, no offense, Q."

Query snorted. "None taken. We hate the bastard too. We had to put up with two years of their on-and-off-again bullshit and then finally, Crane spiked Ed's coffee with fear toxin. The Boss couldn't toss his ass out fast enough."

"Let's not act like Dormouse was entirely innocent," Jervis muttered under his breath. 

"Shut up you little creep!" Echo barked, causing the man to nearly jump out of his chair. "Anyway," she said, addressing Bruce and Wally, "Eddie was taking it pretty hard. He was done with Spooky's bullshit, thank God, but he was still upset. He locked himself in his room for three days and started scribbling riddles on the walls."

Captain Cold raised an eyebrow so high it was visible above his blue goggles. "That's disturbing."

"No shit," Echo said. "Query and I had to break down the door to get him to take a shower. Then he wouldn't eat. He just lay on the couch moping for another three days."

"Aww, poor Eddie," Harley cooed. "Sounds like he was depressed."

"That's what we were afraid of," Echo said in agreement. "So after six days of this, I came up with the idea of bringing him out to Flanagan's so he could get out of the apartment." She looked almost regretful as Query began to glare at her. "Maybe make a new friend," she mumbled.

"Did he?" Wally asked.

Query took another long drag of her cigarette. The blonde's brown eyes were hard as she snarled. "Oh, he did alright. He sure fucking did...."

...This wasn't the nightmare scenario. The nightmare scenario would have been running into Spooky's ass out here. This? This was beyond the nightmare scenario. This was Hell. They had died and gone straight to Hell, and as punishment for all of their sins, they were forced to watch this.

They were forced to watch their boss play darts with George 'Digger' Harkness. Captain Boomerang. Captain Fuckface.

Query wasn't sure how it had happened. One minute the three of them had been sitting at the bar countertop at Flanagan's, Ed complaining the whole time. The next, Harkness had taken the last seat at the countertop next to Ed. He hadn't said a word to either her or Echo. He didn't talk to them after the last time they were at Flanagan's and he got mouthy. Query had threatened to twist his manhood off and shove it in his mouth. He'd just sat down and ordered his usual Australian crap. Then he'd made a mistake. He'd asked Ed why he was being such a gloomy bastard. Then Ed started to talk to him, or rather at him, about how partners couldn't be trusted. Maybe Harkness was already buzzed, or maybe he was also pissed off at the Rogues or his teammates on the Suicide Squad because he made another mistake: he validated Ed's feelings. 

It was like a switch had flipped in Ed. 

Within ten minutes, the pair were laughing and joking like they were old friends. It made Query want to spit nails. "Bring him out to Flanagan's you said," she seethed at Echo. "Maybe he'll have fun you said."

Echo watched as Ed clumsily threw a dart and cringed. "I didn't know Digger was going to be here! I thought he got banned for not paying his tab!"

"I guess he must have paid it off because here he is!" Query's eyes narrowed as Harkness laughed and slapped Ed on the back. "Jesus fucking Christ, of all the assholes the Boss decides to be friendly with. Just how drunk is he right now?"

"He's not drunk, he's just a little buzzed." Harkness turned around, shut his eyes, and threw his dart over his shoulder. The dart hit the board almost dead center, causing Ed to let out an appreciative whistle. "You know he hasn't been himself lately. Maybe this is good for him. Besides, we all know Digger's into women. It's not like Eddie's going to bring him home."

"He might try," Query warned. The two men went back to the countertop, Ed chatting away.

"How?" he asked the bushman. "Just how? I could barely get mine on the board!"

"You threw it too hard, mate," Harkness laughed. He took a swig of his beer and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. "It's not about force, it's about technique. It's just like throwing a boomerang."

"Really?" Ed leaned in closer to the other man. Query kept a close eye on the Boss's body language. So far, he was interested, but curiously, like he was genuinely interested in what Harkness had to say. The Boss had a bad habit of letting his curiosity change into something else, though. That was how they got stuck with Crane. "I've seen the way you throw those things, Harkness. You're telling me you don't put any strength into it?"

"Well sure I do, 'specially if I'm fightin' a speedster. You gotta hit them hard and fast. The real power though? It's all in the wrist." He flexed his right hand and then launched into a five-minute monologue about the aerodynamics of throwing a boomerang that Query tuned out as soon as it began. Ed though? Ed seemed enthralled by it. He was leaning forward with his face in his hands like a kindergartner during story time. Echo took another long gulp of her whiskey, looking increasingly fearful. Finally, Harkness mercifully shut the fuck up and finished off his beer. Ed did likewise, and then the curious look on his face was replaced by a calculating one.

"Harkness," he said. "You're not occupied with anything now, are you?" Query felt a pit in her stomach. Oh shit...

The aushole just shrugged. "Just got done with a stint in Belle Reve. Why?"

Ed steepled his fingers together and smirked. "Well, I might have a job for you." Query wanted to smash her face into the countertop. Why Boss? Just why?

Harkness looked interested, then skeptical. "You're not gonna make me lug your riddle trophies around, are ya mate?"

The Boss just threw his head back and laughed. "No, no, nothing like that. This is a legitimate job. Well, slightly more legitimate than my usual mischief. I sometimes take contract work to build up capital for my more dastardly deeds. This is one of those instances." Harkness nodded along. "I'm not sure if you're aware of this, but the Gotham Natural History Museum was robbed last month. Almost their entire collection of stuffed endangered and extinct animals was stolen."

Harkness snorted. "That wasn't you?"

"Not me this time, unfortunately. The actual culprits were hired by a snotty little tech billionaire who fancies himself a great hunter. Due to his connections, however, GCPD's been slow to pull the trigger on the little bastard, so the museum director hired me to steal it back instead. I've managed to track the stolen items to a warehouse in Gotham's East Harbor. It's amazing what one can find out when you have no regard for the law." Ed giggled, and then his face darkened. "My previous partner was supposed to assist me in crowd control for when I steal the collection back, but he's since removed himself from the picture." He smiled, then pointed to his new drinking buddy. "That's where you and your boomerangs come in. You can knock out the guards before they even know we're there without any collateral damage." As much as Query hated to admit it, the Boss was right. The Fear Toxin plan Crane wanted to do would have been a lot riskier.

Harkness puffed his chest out. "Too right I can!" His enthusiasm turned into a concerned frown. "Wait. What about the Bats?"

"I have it on good authority that they're preoccupied with some other capers. And if one does show up, so what? We didn't steal the collection. We're simply there to return it to its rightful owner. The little tech brat can't exactly report it missing without admitting that he was the one who stole it in the first place, now can he?"

"So wait: you're sayin' that we go in, knock some blokes out, take some stuffed animals back to a museum and we'll get paid for it? And there's no way we can get in trouble for it?"

"As long as we don't kill anyone or destroy any part of the collection, we're in the clear. We'll split the take 45-45."

Harkness raised an eyebrow. "Don't you mean 50-50?"

"No, 45-45." Ed hiked his thumb and for the first time in over an hour, acknowledged Query and Echo. "The girls get an automatic 10% cut on all our jobs."

"20% this time, Boss," Query said.

Ed whipped his head around. "20%!? Why?"

Echo pointed directly at Harkness. "We want an additional 10% pay bump for dealing with his ass."

Harkness scoffed, then gave a two-fingered salute. "Cheers, love." Query and Echo flipped him the bird right back. With both hands.

Ed rolled his eyes. "Fine. 20%. Happy?" The girls weren't happy. Not happy at all, but they nodded. Then Ed turned back to Harkness. "40-40. Are you in?"

The bushman rubbed his chin in thought, at least what passed for thought in his drunken skull. Then he grinned. "I'm in!"

Ed grinned back and began to talk excitedly about the job. Query and Echo looked back at each other and steeled themselves. This was gonna suck...

..."So that was that," Query finished. She took one last drag on her cigarette and then grounded the butt into an ashtray on the table. "We did the job three days ago. All the stuffed animals are back at home, and we were all a couple hundred grand richer."

Bruce frowned. Someone as clever as Nigma and someone as devious as Harkness was not a good combination. Wally just shook his head. "Okay, so you guys did the job. You came here to celebrate?"

"The Boss and Harkness did," Query answered. "Echo and I just came along to keep an eye on Ed and make sure he didn't get any ideas."

Wally cocked his head. "Any ideas about what?"

Harley snorted from her seat at the next table. "Oh, you'll find out Flash." Bruce watched as various Rogues either laughed or shuddered. 

Wally wasn't sure he wanted to know, but he bravely pressed on. "Okay, so Ed and Digger come out to the bar and you two tag along." He looked down to where his Rogues were seated. "Did they invite you guys?"

"Digger did," Trickster said. "He invited all of us, but Roscoe and Lisa were on a date and Hartley told him to go to Hell, so it was just me, Lenny, Sam, Mick, and Mark."

Bruce addressed Captain Cold. "I thought Harkness was still on probation with you."

Cold shrugged. "He is, but we've never had a problem with Nigma. Frankly, we wouldn't mind if Nigma joined up with us full-time."

"He still could!" Trickster shouted. "Digger can move back in with us, and Eddie can move in with Digger, and they could adopt a wombat together and it can be our mascot!"

Wally blinked. "Wait, what?"

"James is getting ahead of himself," Cold said. "To get back to the point, we all arrived at the bar together thanks to Sam and his mirrors. Digger was already here. Nigma, Query, and Echo joined us..." he turned to address Query. "What time would you say it was?"

"9," Query answered. "The Boss wanted to clean up before he came out."

Cold nodded. "That sounds right."

Bruce turned to Harvey, Harley, Waylon, Lawton, and the other people he recognized from Gotham. "Were you invited or were you already here?"

"We were already here," Harley said. "Croc, Floyd, and I were having a Squad reunion and the rest of these bozos were here on their own time," Harvey grumbled while the others nodded. "The three of us got a table with Q and E and Flash's Rogues and watched the show!"

"What show?" Wally asked.

Harley's eyes gleamed. "The Eddie and Boomer show! The second Eddie showed up, Boomer waved him over to the bar and started talking to him like they'd known each other for years! They hardly talked to anybody else! They drank, talked smack about the guy they'd robbed, drank some more, played a round of darts, bought a round for the whole bar, except for Joker, of course, talked smack about B-Man, and drank a whole lot more!" Harley giggled. "Eddie doesn't usually drink that much, so he was gettin' pretty plastered. That's when things started gettin' spicy."

Chapter Text

Harley had never seen Eddie get this drunk before. His face was as red as his hair and he'd taken off his suit jacket, draping it over the bar counter. Harley shrugged. At least Eddie was a happy drunk. It'd been a long time since she'd seen him laugh this much. She looked out the corner of her eye at Query and Echo who were watching their boss like a hawk. Well, when they weren't glaring daggers at Boomer. Sheesh. It looked like they wanted to take turns breaking his legs. Boomer was actually behaving for once! Sure, he was loud and obnoxious, but he hadn't picked a fight or gotten handsy with anybody, so Harley would take her victories where she could get them. The female waitstaff was still steering clear though.

"Six!" Eddie shouted. "Six men with one boomerang! It was incredible! It just bounced off of them one after another!" Eddie rapped the counter for emphasis. "Boom boom boom boom boom boom!"

Boomer laughed. His already rough voice was getting rougher and deeper the more he drank. "'S why they call me Captain Boomerang mate!"

Harley heard Floyd scoff. "Wasn't that what they called him back when he was a toy mascot?"

"It was," Len said. The leader of the Flash's Rogues clucked his tongue. "It is one of his more annoying pretensions."

Harley turned her attention away from the impromptu Talk Smack about Boomer Club to focus back on Eddie. He was swaying ever so slightly in his seat, but he still looked okay. Mostly. He gave Boomer an awkward salute. "Aye, aye, Captain!" Both men broke out into another loud peal of laughter. A few tables down, Harley could see Harvey's good eye twitching. 

"Who'd have thought?" she heard Floyd say. "Two of the most obnoxious guys in any of the rogues galleries, and now they're best friends. How did that even happen? You're a shrink, Harley. Any ideas?"

Harley shrugged. "You know, they have a couple of things in common. They both had abusive fathers, they built their criminal careers around their hyper fixations, they don't always get along with others, and they use anti-social behavior to cover up their insecurities. Or maybe they're canceling each other out. Who knows?"

"Why did it take so long for us to team up?" Eddie asked. He cleared his throat. "Harkness, I have to admit, I thought you were an uncouth Neanderthal with a limited gimmick, but you're not so bad!"

Contrary to popular belief, Boomer wasn't completely stupid. He knew what words like 'uncouth' meant. He just didn't care. He was a guy with little to no shame about what he was. So he just laughed and slapped Eddie on the back. "Call me Digger, mate! And I always thought you were a poncy bastard with your head up your arse, but you're alright Eddie!" His hand lingered slightly on Eddie's back before he dropped it and took a big swig of beer.

Eddie sat frozen in his seat. "I'm alright," he said softly. Harley leaned in to get a better look and saw that his eyes looked glassy. She knew he'd taken the break-up with Spooky hard, but she didn't think Boomer being a kissass would affect him that much. Just what had Professah Crane done to the guy? "I am alright," he said a little louder. "I'm alright!" A switch seemed to flip in Eddie. He took a breath. He picked up his glass of Australian beer that Boomer insisted on buying for him and finished it off in one gulp. Harley cocked her head. Eddie was steeling himself for something. She knew him well enough to know the signs. He then looked at Boomer out of the corner of his eye. Harley felt her own eyes widen. Oh no. Oh no, he wasn't. Boomer was drinking away without a care in the world. Eddie's gaze lingered on him for a moment, then he took another deep breath. He was weighing the pros and cons of something. He then took off his bowler hat, left it on top of his jacket on the counter, and smoothed back his auburn hair. Harley almost dropped her glass. Oh no, he wasn't!

Query and Echo must have also seen the signs, for she saw Query smacking her hands down hard on the table. Echo was just staring with her jaw dropped in horror.

"What's wrong?" Len asked.

"He wouldn't," Query said, seemingly not hearing him. "He wouldn't dare!"

"Wouldn't what?" Waylon asked. He hadn't really been paying attention. 

"He can't do this to us," Echo groaned. "Not after we finally got rid of Crane!"

"Do what?" Len asked again.

"No," Wally interrupted. His face had, at least the parts visible under his mask, turned white. "No way. Nigma wasn't." Bruce was outwardly stoic, but inwardly cringing. Nigma's poor taste in romantic partners was a matter of public record, but this took the cake.

Harley grinned. "Oh yes, he was! Anyway..."

Boomer of course was completely oblivious to both the looks he was getting from the table and Eddie. Instead, he was facing away from the bar, scanning the main room. He huffed. "Figures. There are hardly any bloody sheilas out tonight!"

"They heard you were coming, Digger!" Sam shouted from the table. Mick and Mark laughed while Boomer gave them the two-fingered salute.

Eddie just hummed, leaning ever so slightly into Boomer's personal space. The game was on. "Pity. What does the Captain normally fancy? Blondes? Brunettes?" He subtly ran his fingers through his hair. "Redheads?"

Boomer just shrugged. "Don't really matter to me. As long as she's got a nice pair of tits and an arse to grab onto, Digger's a happy man."

"Real classy Boomer," Floyd said. "You ever think that's why you can't get any?"

Boomer rolled his eyes. "Roight, because you're such a bloody gentleman Floyd." He shifted his body to face the countertop and noticed for the first time just how close Eddie had gotten. He blinked, then seemed to shrug it off. "What about you, Eddie? You got a type?"

"No, I'm like you, I think." He laughed and lowered his voice ever so slightly. "I'm usually up for anything, and I do mean anything."

Query took a deep breath. It sounded like steam coming out of a kettle to Harley. Two chairs down from her, she spotted James leaning in to get a better look at the scene unfolding in front of them. He looked like he was trying to work something out. Then his eyes widened. "Oh, my god." About time someone else noticed.

"Yeh?" Boomer asked. "Like what?" Oh Boomer, Boomer, Boomer. He'd taken the bait.

Eddie tsked. "A gentleman never asks and a lady never tells, Digger." He giggled again. "But since we're neither tonight, I suppose I can share with you." He gently grabbed a hold of Boomer's blue coat and leaned in to whisper something. 

James gasped, then elbowed Len. "Lenny! Guys!" he whispered excitedly. "Nigma's making the moves on Digger!"

Every other guy at the table stopped what they were doing and stared at the pair at the bar. Eddie was still whispering to Boomer, something downright obscene if the bug-eyed expression on Boomer's face was any indication.

"No way," Floyd breathed. "No goddamned way."

"Holy shit," Sam agreed. "Digger's gonna kick his ass."

"Harkness dreams about touching the Boss, we'll throw his ass in the Gotham River," Query seethed. 

"No!" James insisted. "Digger's into it!"

"No goddamned way!" Floyd whispered again. "I've been in plenty of bars with Boomerang and I've never seen him try to pick up a guy."

"To be fair," Harley said. "We've never seen a guy try to pick up Boomer. Maybe he's just never had the opportunity before."

"He gives Hartley a lot of shit," Mick said. 

"Maybe he's in the closet and he's overcompensatin'." Harley shrugged. "Or maybe he just doesn't like Piper and is tryin' to get a rise out of him. That's pretty on-brand for Boomerbutt."

Waylon just shook his head and went back to his gin and tonic. "I'm not drunk enough for this crap."

Eddie leaned back from Boomer with a smug smile on his face. Boomer looked like he'd just been told he'd fathered a child in the 30th century. "Is that fair dinkum?" he asked.

"I have no idea what that means," Eddie responded.

"Is that true?" Boomer clarified.

Eddie just nodded. "Yes Digger, it's 'fair dinkum'."

Boomer exhaled, then slowly shook his head. "You and bloody Catwoman?"

Floyd, Sam, and Len let out identical sighs of relief. "You see James?" Sam said. "Nigma wasn't flirting. He's bragging about his past conquests." Then he turned to Harley. "Catwoman though? Seriously?"

Harley waved him off. "Yeah, it happened, but that's not why Eddie's tellin' Boomer about it."

"I'm sorry," Wally interrupted again. "Do we really need to hear about this?" He looked at Bruce out of the corner of his eye. Bruce's fists were clenched on the table. Selina had disclosed her past with Edward to him, but that didn't mean he liked being reminded of it, and he really didn't want someone like Harkness to know about it.

"It's important!" Harley insisted. "It was part of Eddie's game plan!"

"How was saying that he'd...been with Catwoman supposed to help Eddie get into Digger's pants?" Wally grimaced. "Oh man, I feel dirty for saying that."

Harley's grin grew even wider. "You'll see..."

...Boomer shook his head. "What do you even get out of that? I'll try anythin' at least once, but I'd never let a sheila kick me arse like that."

"I kick your ass all the time, Boomerbutt!" Harley shouted.

Eddie's smile froze. "What?"

"Not like that ya don't, Harls!" Boomer shouted back at her. "And don't call me Boomerbutt!"

"Settle down, Boomerbutt," Mick said. "And if Catwoman came up to you and said she wanted to kick your ass, you'd break out into song and dance and let her do whatever she wanted to you." The Rogues and Floyd broke out in laughter, while Boomer sputtered.

"I wouldn't-aw, get stuffed, ya bloody wankers!" He went for another gulp of beer only to be disappointed that the glass was empty. He banged it on the counter and on cue, the bartender refilled it. Harley smirked. Oh, Boomer. You and your macho posturing. Never change. Her smirk faltered somewhat when she saw Eddie glaring at her. He brought his finger across his neck in a throat-slitting gesture before he pivoted back towards Boomer. Harley was taken aback, but her grin slowly returned. Ooh, Eddie must be down bad for Boomer. This could be comedy gold.

Eddie brought his hand up to pat Boomer's shoulder. "Well, everyone has different tastes. There's no shame in that." Harley scooted her chair around the table to get a better look at Eddie's face. She could only see his profile, but that was enough to see the pink flush on his cheeks, and his lidded eyes. "I can see that you're a man that prefers being in control. As for me..." he leaned in even closer and lowered his voice. "I don't mind being dominated."

Somewhere else in the bar, Harley could hear the sound of someone spitting out their drink. Sounded like Harvey. At their table, all the snickers and whispers died down as the guys, except for James, were finally forced to acknowledge what was happening. James for his part was squealing in delight. 

"No Goddamned way," Floyd breathed.

"Holy shit," Sam said.

"Digger's gonna kick his ass," Mark added.

"Hell with Digger," Query seethed. "I'm gonna kick the Boss's ass!"

"Then I'll kick Digger's ass," Echo said.

"I told ya so," Harley crowed. "It's how Eddie rolls. He was tellin' Boomer what Kitty did to him as a way to let him know what he'll let Boomer do to him."

Len scoffed. "That's far too subtle for Digger to pick up on."

"I don't know," James said. "Digger hasn't said anything yet."

He was right. Boomer hadn't said anything at all. He was just sitting on the barstool, blinking. Processing what Eddie had told him. How would he react? Was he going to pick up on the signs and start getting sleazy, or was he going to smack Eddie upside the head with his mug? After a few seconds, Boomer took a third option. He threw his head back and laughed. Eddie dropped his hand in surprise.

"Bloody Hell!" Boomer said between laughs. "You're pissed mate!"

Now it was Eddie's turn to look confused. "What? I'm not angry, Digger."

Boomer stopped laughing. "I didn't say you were."

"Yes, you did!"

"No, I didn't!"

"You did too!" Eddie jabbed a finger at Boomer's chest. He sounded hurt, poor baby. "You said I was pissed!"

"You are pissed!" Boomer then smacked himself in the head. "Oh, crikey, I bloody forgot: you're a Yank. Eddie, when I say 'pissed' I mean you're blotto!" Eddie must have still looked confused, for Boomer shook his head. "Drunk, mate. You're drunk."

"Well I'm not that either," Eddie huffed, crossing his arms. Harley had to bite her lower lip to keep from laughing. Poor sulky baby. "I'll have you know that I am in perfect control of all my facilities, mental and physical!" He demonstrated his point by wildly swinging his arms, only to tip too far forward and start losing his balance. "Whoa!" Boomer put his glass down and lifted his arms out, catching Eddie before he fell off the stool. Eddie fell face-first into Boomer's chest, gripping onto the other man's biceps to steady himself.

It was like a record scratched. The bar became completely silent as all eyes turned to the two Rogues. Query and Echo were halfway out of their chairs while the guys gawked. Harley pulled out her phone and took a picture, sending it to Kitty and Red. Both responded almost immediately with puking emojis. 

Eddie meanwhile seemed frozen. Harley put down her phone to get a better look. Eddie hadn't passed out, had he? Then she saw a slight movement of his hands. He seemed to be squeezing Boomer's biceps. Harley smirked. Boomer was a pig and he dressed like a homeless person 90% of the time, but he was pretty built. Not as built as Floyd, but the glimpses she'd caught of him during their time in the Squad were pretty decent. It looked like Eddie was starting to get an idea of that.

"Oh, God," Wally whined. "Harley, please, I really didn't need that mental image."

"Neither did I," Lawton and Cold said simultaneously.

Harley just shrugged. "I'm just saying, as far as bods go, Boomer's a solid 8/10. It's everythin' else that's the problem."

Bruce himself had to suppress a shudder. "Can we please move on?"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever B-Man. Anyway..."

Boomer broke the spell. "Easy there Eddie," he warned. Eddie's face popped up from his rugged hairy chest, where perhaps it had been nuzzling-

"Harley!" Wally and Lawton shouted.

"For the love of Christ!" Harvey cried out. "Enough!"

Harley cackled and stuck out her tongue. "You boys are so fragile! Ok, anyway..."

Eddie scooted back onto his bar stool. Query and Echo were on their feet, ready to charge over and start beating the shit out of Boomer. Len and Sam were also on edge. In a swift movement, Boomer opened up his jacket and gestured to the bandolier draped across his chest. "You landed right next to one of my razorrangs! You could've sliced your face off!" Eddie, and the rest of the bar, breathed a sigh of relief. The bar patrons resumed their conversations, while Query and Echo slowly sat back down. Boomer just shook his head. "Told you you were pissed."

"I am not," Eddie insisted. Boomer scoffed and then returned to his drink. Eddie didn't let the awkward moment linger though. He pointed to the bandolier. "Do you make all of these yourself?"

"Sure do," Boomer said. He put his mug down on the counter top then slipped his long jacket about halfway down, letting it rest at his elbows. Just as Eddie had hoped for, Harley thought. He pointed at each boomerang in its place. "My standard boomerangs, my razorrangs, my boom booms, I've even still got the first one I carved!" He pulled an ancient wooden boomerang out of the bandolier and placed it down on the countertop. Eddie gingerly picked up and ran a gloved finger around the edge. 

James jostled Len again. "You see!?" he whispered excitedly. "You see!? Digger's letting Nigma touch Matilda! He never lets anyone touch Matilda! He's totally into him!"

Floyd raised an eyebrow. "He named it Matilda?"

"I've touched Matilda," Sam said.

"Me too," Harley admitted. "'Cept I didn't have permission to do that."

"It doesn't prove anything, James," Len said. He took a long swig of beer, then looked quizzically at Query and Echo. "Did Nigma fall into him on purpose?"

"No," Query admitted. "Though he sure took advantage of it."

Boomer meanwhile was carrying on, finally happy to have someone who'd listen to him about his boomerangs. Eddie kept 'Matilda' in one hand, while the other went to rest under his chin, his left arm propped up. He only had eyes for Boomer and no doubt was thinking of another 'boomerang' he'd like to get his hands on. It was...kinda cute. Like how ugly baby animals were.

James wouldn't be deterred. "I bet you guys a hundred bucks that Digger and Nigma will bang."

"You're on," Sam said instantly. Mick and Mark also agreed and after a moment, so did Len and Floyd. 

"Five against one James," Sam said. "You sure you want to do this?"

James eagerly nodded. "Positive. I can't wait to win $500."

"I want in too," Harley said. "I bet $100 that Boomer and Eddie'll bang!"

James held up his hand for a high-five. "My girl!"

Harley smacked his hand and then looked at Waylon. "Croc? You want in?"

"Hell no," he said. "Like I said, I'm not drunk enough for this shit."

"Seriously?" Echo asked. "You guys are taking bets? We're gonna have to deal with whatever happens here tonight!"

Harlet stuck out her tongue, then turned back to the couple at the bar. Well, maybe-couple. It was way too soon for Eddie to jump into another relationship after Spooky, and she wasn't sure Boomer wanted anything more than a root, as he put it, but a bet was a bet. They didn't have to love each other, they just had to bang. The pair conversed for maybe five more minutes before Boomer pulled his coat back up and hopped off his bar stool.

Eddie sat back up. "Wait. You're not leaving are you?"

"Just headin' to the dunny. The bathroom I mean. Watch my seat, will ya?"

"I'll keep it warm for you, Captain." Eddie finished by giving him another salute.

Boomer barked with laughter. "You're a beaut, Ed!" He turned on his heel and walked down the hall, oblivious to the effect his words had on Eddie. Eddie Nigma, the Riddler, the Prince of Puzzlers, the King of Conundrums, was blushing like a schoolgirl. As soon as Boomer was out of sight, he squealed like one.

"A beaut!" he repeated. "A beaut! Jon never called me that!"

"He has no idea what Digger actually said, does he?" Len asked.

As far as Harley knew, 'Beaut' or 'Beauty' meant 'Great' in Aussie. Which to be fair, would still get Eddie's motor running, what with his praise kink and all. Speaking of Eddie, he was at the moment loosening his tie. When he was done, he unbuttoned the top three buttons on his light green dress shirt.

"Jesus Christ, Nigma," Harvey rasped from his table near the back. "You really don't have any standards, do you?"

Eddie shot Harvey a dark look. "Who asked you?"

"Harkness?" Harvey questioned gesturing to the hallway with his good thumb. "Of all the fucking people in the world, you want to jump on Harkness? That bastard makes Crane look good!"

"Please," Eddie scoffed. "I'm certain that Digger wouldn't poison my coffee. Now mind your own business."

"Boss," Query said. "Please. If you're just feeling lonely, go to Pandora's. Don't do this."

"I don't want to go to Pandora's!" Eddie said with all the maturity of a two-year-old. "I want him!"

"Eddie, please," Echo pleaded. "You know you're going to regret this in the morning!"

"Maybe, but I'll regret not shooting my shot even more!"

"Good for you, Eddie!" Harley shouted. She shot him a thumbs up. "I'm rootin' for ya!"

Query and Echo whirled on Harley and spoke as one. "Quinn, what the fuck!? Whose side are you on!?"

"The side that wins me $500!" Harley said. Query and Echo looked like they wanted to shout at her some more when the front entrance to Flanagan's slammed open. Eddie turned to the door, then his face turned ghost white. Harley, Query, and Echo followed his gaze and gasped.

"Aw crap!" Harley cried out. 

In the threshold, stood Jervis Tetch. Next to him was a tall, dark figure, dressed in black, giving off as much evil energy as Maleficent crashing Aurora's christening. 

Eddie's ex.

Jonathan Crane.

Chapter Text

As soon as Harley finished speaking, Wally raised his hand. "Hold on: Crane's never been to Flanagan's before, but he just so happens to come on the night his ex is there trying to get with another guy?" He looked to Bruce. "There's no way that's a coincidence, right?"

Obviously, it wasn't. "Someone in the bar called Crane." He began to scan the room, looking into the faces of every Rogue and mook sitting at a table. "Which one of you did it?"

"Wasn't me B-Man!" Harley declared. "It wasn't anybody at our table either!"

"It wasn't us," Harvey said. "We were just trying to drink in peace."

Further denials came from the rest of the room. Wally leaned back in his chair and huffed. "Come on guys. We know there's no way any of the employees called Crane. If it wasn't one of you, who was it?" The assembled patrons silently looked at one other.

Then Bruce remembered. There was one person whose actions this evening had yet to be accounted for. He got out of his chair and stalked towards the door. One minute later, he walked back into the bar, dragging the still hand-cuffed Joker behind him. "Oh, come on, Batsy!" the Clown whined. "I can walk on my own!" 

Bruce shoved him into an empty chair at his and Wally's table. "Joker," he growled. "Did you call Crane and tell him about Nigma and Harkness?"

Joker let out a scandalized noise. "Me? You think I snitched on Eddie and Captain Kangaroo?"

Bruce narrowed his eyes. "Did you?"

Joker narrowed his eyes right back. Then he began laughing. "I sure did!"

Wally and the rest of the bar loudly groaned. "I should've known!" Harley said. "Ya big jerk! Why'd you have to go and ruin it for 'em?"

Joker shrugged his shoulders. "I'm an old-fashioned sort, Harley. I believe that certain groups of people shouldn't mix." Several people began shouting at once, some of them getting out of their seats. Waylon had picked up his chair and was ready to throw it at Joker. Wally had to get up and whistle again to restore order. Once the noise had died down, Joker laughed again. "I meant Rogues! Rogues! What did you all think I meant?" A few scattered insults were shouted in response. Joker cleared his throat. "I, like Query and Echo here, do not approve of a match between our dear Edders and Crocodile Dundee's black sheep cousin. Gotham Rogues should stick to Gotham, and you Midwestern yokels should stick to each other, don't you agree Lenny?" Wally's Rogues as one flipped Joker the bird. 

Harley rolled her eyes. "You're just mad they wouldn't buy you a round!"

Joker's right eye twitched. "Well, it was just rude!" He reined his temper in quickly and giggled. "But I digress. After Eddie fell into Digger's arms, I knew I had to take action. I took a picture of the happy couple, and I sent it to Spooky-Boo along with a text: 'Looks like Eddie's having some fun down under!'" Half the room looked at Joker with anger, the rest in disgust, except for one person who looked like he was trying to disappear under his large hat.

Bruce sharply nodded at Tetch. "You arrived with Crane. Were you with him when he got the text message?"

Jervis nodded choppily. "Y-yes. March Hare was absolutely furious. I tried to talk him down, but he wouldn't listen to me. He broke three of his test tubes and went to get in his truck."

"Did Crane want Ed back?" Wally asked. "Was that why he came to the bar?"

Jervis made a face. "Oh, Heaven's no! March Hare had had enough of Dormouse and his childish tantrums. He'd washed his hands of the little slag!"

"Don't you call Eddie a slag!" Echo shouted.

"Well, he is! What else would you call throwing yourself at a man not even a full month after your previous relationship ends!? And's that's not even counting all the times he'd flirt with anyone who gave him a crumb of attention!"

"The Boss is a charmer, but he never cheated on Crane," Query said. "It's not his fault that people like you and Crane can't tell the difference between being friendly and flirting."

Jervis rolled his eyes but didn't say anything else. Wally shook his head. "Ok, so if Crane didn't want Ed back, why did he bother coming here?" Wally sat a little straighter in his chair. "Wait: was this about Ed, or was this about Digger?"

Joker laughed. "Well, wouldn't you be pretty angry if your ex moved on to someone like Captain Boomerang? A C-Lister who can't be in a group for more than five minutes without someone wanting to thrash him? Besides, even if Spooky was done with Eddie, that doesn't mean he wanted anyone else to have him!"

Lawton scoffed. "I don't know. After what I saw tonight, Boomer's an improvement over Crane. You know just how fucked up you have to be for me to say that about Harkness?"

Jervis looked like he was about to defend Crane's honor, but Bruce cut him off with a terse question: "What happened after Crane got to the bar?"

Trickster eagerly raised his hand. "Ooh! Ooh! Me! Me! I want to tell you! I want to tell you!"

"I was speaking first!" Jervis said.

"No, I was!" Joker joined in.

"You two had your turns, let Trickster go!" Harley shouted.

"No, I wasn't finished yet!

"Shut up! All of you!" Harvey shouted. He pulled out his coin from his coat pocket. "We'll flip for it. Good side, Trickster speaks first. Bad side, Jervis does."

"What about me?" Joker pouted.

"Fuck you, Clown! You're the one who brought Crane here!" Harvey flipped the coin and let it land on the table. Bruce leaned over to see that it had landed good side up. Harvey picked his coin back up and slipped it into his coat. "Trickster, you're up."

"Yay!" the colorful Rogue shouted, clapping his hands. 

"Just try to stay on topic, James," Wally warned.

"You got it, Flash!" Trickster took a deep breath. "Ok, so Crane had just arrived at the bar and was in a staredown with Eddie..."

...Eddie's face was white as he stared at the tall, dark newcomer. The newcomer stared back, anger all over his bony, angular face. James gently tapped Harley's shoulder. "Who's that guy?" He seemed familiar, but James thought he'd remember someone who looked like that.

"That's the Scarecrow," Harley explained. Oh right, that's where James knew him from! He'd never seen him without his mask. Harley gulped. "He's Eddie's ex!"

Floyd almost spat out his drink. "His what!?" He looked at Eddie, then at Scarecrow. Then he shook his head. "Jesus Christ. Harley, I know Nigma's your friend and all, but what the Hell is wrong with him?"

"Nothing! Well, nothing aside from the narcissism, the inferiority complex, and Daddy issues out the wazoo!" Harley shrugged. "Eddie's just got...weird taste in men."

"That's putting it mildly," Len said. The rest of James' friends had looks that ranged from shock to horror. James had to share in their disgust. Sure, Digger was a pain, but it wasn't like he was putting fear toxin in reservoirs. 

Scarecrow took a step towards the bar, only for Query and Echo to get out of their seats. "Take one more step, Crane," Query snarled. "And we'll rip you apart."

"Try us," Echo said. "We've been wanting to do it for years."

James watched as Harvey Dent got up from his table. Ooh, was he going to punch Crane? Too bad Digger was in the bathroom, he loved watching bar fights. Dent walked up to Crane and grabbed him by his shirt. "Did you bring any of your crap?"

"No," Crane said. His southern accent sounded like it came from beyond the grave. 

"Yeah? Prove it!" Dent shoved his hands in Crane's pockets and turned them inside out. A few pieces of lint fell out, but nothing else. Dent glowered, then shoved Crane back. "If you start any shit tonight, we'll kill you ourselves!" He then stalked back to his table, while the little fucker came up to Crane's side.

"'The little fucker!?'" Jervis sputtered. "I beg your pardon!?"

Trickster stuck out his tongue. "Well, that's what you are! Anyway..."

Eddie was still silently staring at Crane. Then he swallowed. "What are you doing here? I didn't think anything could get you out of your hole."

Crane's eyes narrowed. Then he laughed. James couldn't help but feel a chill go down his spine. "Look at you," Crane said. "You're drunk."

"I am not," Eddie insisted. He swayed slightly but quickly recovered. 

"You are. You must be, if you're debasing yourself in front of all these people, for a man like George Harkness." Eddie's jaw dropped. "Yes, I know all about your new beau, Edward. Not even a full month, and you've already replaced me." The harsh emphasis on the word 'replaced' made James gulp. The guys and Harley looked on edge too. Query and Echo were out of their seats, ready to go at Eddie's word. Crane just laughed again. "Well, it's about time the rest of the world sees you for what you are: a desperate little whore."

"That's it!" Echo roared. "You're fucking done!"

"Echo!" Eddie shouted. "Back off!" He turned his back on Crane. "He's not worth it. He never was."

If Crane was bothered by this dismissal, he didn't show it. He just laughed again. "Still hiding behind your henchwenches, Edward? You going to hide behind Harkness, too? You think he'll put up with you half as long as I did?" Eddie's shoulders were hunched up slightly and his lower lip started to tremble.

"Jeez," Harley said. "Jonny always knows where to hit ya hardest."

"You think he won't cut and run on you the second it's convenient for him?" Crane continued. "You think you'll ever be anything more to him than a quick fuck? That's all you were ever good for, Edward. A quick, cheap fuck." James quickly inhaled. Jeez, he was ready to kick this guy's ass now. He looked past the bar towards the hallway. Where the Hell was Digger?

Almost on cue, Digger walked out of the hallway just as Crane finished speaking. He looked at the newcomer who was staring his new mate down and let out an "Oi!" Eddie's, Crane's, and the little fucker's eyes snapped immediately in his direction. Digger took a few steps forward, his gaze directed at Crane. "We got a problem here?" Then he noticed the little fucker. "Strewth!" he said. "Who let the nonce in?"

"Nonce!?" The little fucker shouted. Crane said nothing but stared Digger down. It looked like he was doing a few mental calculations. Digger was shorter than the Gotham Rogue, but without his fear toxin, there wasn't any doubt in James' mind that Digger could crush Crane like a beer can. Crane seemed to come to the same conclusion. He silently walked backward, his eyes never leaving Digger's. The little fucker followed him and the pair sat at a table close to the door. The same table the Joker was sitting at.

Trickster paused. "You know, I really should have guessed you were the one who called Crane then."

"You should have," Joker agreed.

"Continuing on," Bruce said. "And can you please stop referring to Tetch as 'the little fucker'?"

Trickster pouted. "Fine. Anyway..."

Once Crane and the little-Tetch, were sat down, Digger took his place back at the bar. James had to smile at the look on Eddie's face. If he didn't want to bang Digger already, he sure did now. James could almost see the cartoon hearts flying around Eddie's head. Hartley would think it was cute. Ok, no he wouldn't, but James still wished he could see it.

"What was that about?" Digger asked.

"Nothing," Eddie said. "Just my ex-partner showing up where he's not wanted."

"Yeh? The bloke whose place I took on the job?" Digger picked up his half-full mug and turned himself halfway around, raising it towards Crane. "Cheers Mate!" Crane just glowered at him. Digger, ever oblivious Digger, turned himself back towards the bar. "Who is he, anyway?"

"Jonathan Crane. Scarecrow."

Digger almost dropped the mug. "Bloody Oath! That's Scarecrow!?" He turned around it look at the man, then back towards Eddie. "Never seen 'im without that mask." He shuddered. "Now I know why he nevah takes it off. He's uglier than a hat full of arseholes!"

At that, Eddie let out a loud laugh. The tension in the bar dissipated, and everyone returned to their drinks and conversations. Even Query and Echo sat back down, though they still didn't look happy. "Uglier than a hat full of arseholes!" Eddie repeated. "I have to write that one down!"

Digger snickered. "Ya like that, huh? How's this: you know what people say when they're thirsty in Straya? I'm drier than a nun's nasty!"

Eddie whooped, then covered his hand with his mouth. The flush on his face seemed to increase. "Jesus, Digger! That's obscene!" 

"You Yanks have some bonzer words too. I laughed me arse off the first time I heard someone say 'fanny pack'."

"Why?" Then Eddie scoffed. "Oh, because of 'fanny'? It's a 'bum' pack?"

Digger's smirk widened. "That ain't what fanny means mate."

"No? What does it mean?"

"It's the other side!"

"Other side..." Then Eddie seemed to figure it out. "Oh, Jesus!" Digger just laughed harder as Eddie's face turned an even brighter red.

"And Digger's devolved into a five-year-old," Len said. "Wonderful." He gave Query and Echo a sympathetic nod. "My apologies ladies."

James laughed. Eddie seemed to be enjoying it. Guess he wasn't as above it all as he acted. James looked back towards Crane. He hoped the bastard was enjoying this. He caught sight of Crane watching the scene through narrow eyes. Joker was also leaning close to him, whispering something in his ear.

"What did you say to Crane?" Bruce demanded.

"The truth!" Joker answered. "That Eddie seemed to be enjoying Digger's dirty talk."

"Digger wasn't trying to dirty talk Eddie," Mirror Master insisted. "Believe me, if Digger's coming on to someone, he gets a lot more graphic."

"Eddie seemed to think Digger was flirting," Trickster said. "So Eddie started flirting back..."

..."You are a dirty bastard, aren't you?" Eddie asked. He picked Matilda back up from the countertop and gently ran his pointer up and down its length. Judging by the reactions of everyone else at the table, it was clear that Eddie had another 'boomerang' in mind. 

Well, clear to everyone but Digger. "I am," he proudly admitted, taking another large gulp. He gestured to the old wooden boomerang. "Ya want me to take that from you?"

Eddie handed the boomerang over and brushed his fingers against Digger's hand during the exchange. If Digger noticed, he made no sign of it. He instead put Matilda back into its place on his bandolier, completely missing the hungry look Eddie was giving him. It was irony at its finest. Digger was constantly getting rejected by people at bars, and here was someone ready and more than willing to go to bed with him and he was completely missing it. Digger closed his jacket and finally noticed Eddie's stare. He blinked. "All roight there, mate?"

"Never better," Eddie responded. "Any more dirty words you want to teach me?" He winked.

James heard what sounded like scraping wood behind him. He and a few other people at the table turned to see that Crane had gotten out of his seat. A warning growl from Waylon got him to sit back down, but he was glaring daggers at Digger. Not that he or Eddie noticed. They seemed to have forgotten Crane was even there. Tetch pat Crane on the hand, only for the latter to jerk it away. Tetch got out of his chair and approached the bar.

"Where the Hell you think you're going, Tetch?" Query warned.

Tetch sniffed. "Can't a man order drinks for himself and his friends?"

This got Eddie's attention. "You have friends, Jervis? Miracles do happen!" 

Tetch looked at Eddie like he was dirt beneath his shoe. He didn't even have the courtesy to acknowledge Digger. "Aren't you just the least bit embarrassed, Dormouse? Not even a month and you're carrying on like this?"

"I don't have to care about your opinion anymore Jervis," Eddie said. "Oh wait, that's right! I never cared about your opinion at all!" Digger laughed out loud.

Tetch fixed the Australian with a death glare. Tetch had many sins to his name and one of the worst was his xenophobia. "You stay out of this, you drunken, illiterate chav!"

Digger frowned. "First off, I'm not a chav. I'm a bogan. Second, it's better to be a bogan or a chav than a pommy little nonce like you!"

It was Eddie's turn to laugh as Tetch's face turned red. "A nonce!?" he shrieked. "A nonce!? You ought to talk! Haven't you been banned from here for propositioning the waitresses!?"

Digger shrugged. "Like Eddie said, I'm a dirty bastard. Not gonna lie about that. Difference between us though is I like sheilas when they're full grown, and I can take no for an answer, ya bloody nonce!"

"You pathetic C-Lister!"

"Nonce!"

"Convict scum!"

"Nonce!"

"I hope your entire miserable continent burns and then sinks into the sea where it belongs!"

"Nonce!"

Tetch let out a scream and stomped his feet. James was laughing so hard that his sides were hurting. Sam was too, and Harley. Even Lenny and Floyd, Digger's most vocal critics, were cracking smiles at how worked up Tetch was getting. Even Query and Echo seemed to relax. Tetch took a deep breath and pointed his finger up at Digger. "Mark my words, Harkness," he seethed. "Someday very soon, I will make you pay for all of your transgressions against me."

Digger scoffed. "Buckley's chance of that. You put any of those bloody cards on me, yer dead."

"You can't threaten me like that!"

"You threatened him first, Tetch," Sam called out. "You know the Rogues Rulebook: you start anything with us, we have the right to finish it."

Tetch looked desperately to Waylon, who growled in response. He then looked back at Dent. "We're not backing you up if you start shit with Harkness you demented little bastard," the ex-DA said. "You're on your own." Oh, poor Tetch. The pain and agony of being even lower on the Rogue Totem Pole.

Digger grinned, then cracked his knuckles. "You want to turn on a blue? I'm up for it. Left, right, goodnight." Tetch gulped and quickly shook his head. "That's what I thought. Now bugger off or I'll bash ya!"

Eddie's snickering caught Tetch's attention. "I hope you're pleased with yourself, Dormouse, you little slag!"

Digger responded before Eddie could, smashing his palm down on the countertop. "Oi fuckwit, what'd I just tell ya!? Bugger off, or I'll send ya out the door first class on the Digger Express!" Tetch yelped and ran back to his and Crane's table. The drama over, most people returned to their drinks. Most, except for the people at James' table. 

"Ooh boy," Harley giggled. "That got Eddie going!" Indeed, Eddie's pupils were so dilated that his eyes looked black instead of green. Any thoughts running through his head must be completely x-rated. Query let out a groan and Echo banged her head against the table. Harley grinned wide. There was no going back now.

"Digger threatening Tetch turned him on?" Floyd shuddered. "Jesus Christ, what is wrong with this guy?"

"It was cute!" James cooed. "Digger was defending Eddie!"

"No he wasn't," Lenny said. "Digger doesn't need any reason to want to beat up Jervis Tetch. None of us do."

"You're just saying that because you know Harley and I are going to win!" Hell with banging, Eddie looked like he was picking out what names he wanted their children to have. James frowned. Nah, kids probably weren't a good idea. Digger would try to give them beer for dinner and Eddie would use them as test subjects for his puzzle rooms. Maybe they could adopt an animal instead. Maybe a wombat. Maybe they'd name it Owen. Or Ellen. 

Digger meanwhile gulped down the last of his beer. "Who let that nonce in here, anyway? Creepy little bastard." He turned to Eddie and almost did a doubletake. "Mate, you are pissed. Your face has gone all red."

Eddie squeaked. "I am feeling a little flushed," he admitted. He slowly took off his tie and placed it next to his hat and jacket on the countertop. He leaned forward and began twirling the end of Digger's scarf around his fingers. "How are you not? You're so bundled up."

Lenny almost spat out his drink. Mark did. "Oh, that is brazen," Weather Wizard said. "I don't care how drunk Digger is, he's got to be picking up on this by now."

James heard another scraping sound. He took a glance at Crane's table and watched him scratch his fingernails against the table's surface, his eyes fixed on the pair at the bar. People at the other tables were watching now with bated breath to see Digger's reaction.

Once again, the Aussie seemed to shrug it off. "I'm Australian, Ed. What you think is hot and what I think is hot are different things."

Eddie pouted and Query let out a barely restrained scream of frustration. "Jesus fuck!" she whispered. "How in the Hell does Harkness not understand what's going on here? He can't be that drunk or that stupid!"

"Yes, he can," Lenny and Floyd said simultaneously.

Eddie, God love him, would not be deterred. "I've never been," he said. "I think I should go though. I think I could have a lot of fun...down under."

"Jesus fucking Christ," Dent whined. "Make it stop!"

"Ya should," Digger said. He pointed at Eddie's business casual attire. "But not dressed like that." Then he said it. The sentence that would live in infamy. "Tell ya wot: before you go to Straya, I'll buy ya a pair of thongs."

"Oh, Jesus!" Wally cried out. He hid his face in his hands. "Oh, Jesus Christ! Digger did not say that! Tell me he didn't say that!"

"Sorry Flash," Trickster said, not looking sorry at all. "But Digger said it. He said he wanted to buy Eddie a pair of thongs." He lowered his voice in a conspiratorial manner. "That's when things got really spicy."

Chapter Text

As soon as Trickster was done speaking, the Joker burst into laughter. Bruce summoned every bit of inner strength that he possessed to block out the horrifying mental images that Trickster's last statement provoked. Deep breaths. In. Out. In. Out.

In the seat next to him, Wally was muttering under his breath. "I must not cringe. Cringe is the mind-killer. Cringe is the little-death that brings total obliteration." He took a deep breath, then sat back up. "You're sure that's what Digger said?"

"Yes!" Harvey shouted. "Harkness said that! We all heard it! For the love of God, don't make us repeat it!"

Wally shook his head in disbelief. "I just can't picture Digger of all people being into guys. He must have been so deep in the closet he was halfway to Narnia."

"You think maybe he struck out with girls on purpose?" Trickster asked. "Like he was just flirting with them to make us think he was straight?"

Harley let out a long, loud sigh. "Ya guys know bisexuality's a thing, right?"

"Yeah, we know Harley, but Digger's never shown any interest in any guy before," Mirror Master pointed out. "Maybe it was just something about Ed?"

"Maybe," Harley admitted. "He does have that effect on people. You wouldn't believe the following he has on the LGBTQIA+ Rogue discord." She clapped her hands. "Ooh, wait until I post the pictures from tonight!

"Continuing on," Bruce interrupted. He needed to get through this nonsense, then go home and wipe his brain of all the events that had transpired that night. "After Harkness said...that, what was Nigma's reaction?"

Harvey, Jervis, and several others shuddered. Trickster opened his mouth, then shut it. "Wait, I just had my turn. Anyone else want to go?"

Jervis tentatively raised a finger. "I do believe it's my turn-"

"I'll go," Captain Cold interrupted. He glared at Jervis, daring him to say something. Jervis gulped, then averted his eyes. Cold took a deep breath before he began speaking. "Naturally, we were all shocked..."

...The bar was so quiet that one could hear a pin drop. All eyes were fixed on the pair at the countertop. Even the bar employees, who'd been bravely soldiering through this farce had frozen in their spots. Len picked his jaw off the ground long enough to quickly scan the room. Dent and the Gotham Rogues at his table looked like they were about to be sick. He then looked to the table closest to the front door. Tetch's eyes looked bugged out of his skull. Crane's face was pale and his mouth wide open. Even Joker looked shocked.

"Guys," Sam said, drawing Len's attention back to his table. "Did Digger just say that?"

"Digger just said that," Mark said. 

"I knew it!" James cheered. "We're gonna get our $500 Harley!" The jester cheered and then gave James a high-five.

Query and Echo, poor girls, looked like they'd been hit by a truck. "What the fuck?" Query said numbly. "What the fuck? Harkness isn't into guys! He's not!"

"He is now," Floyd added. "Holy shit..."

Edward for his part, was also struck dumb. His face had paled. Then he cleared his throat. "I'm sorry," he stammered at last. "I don't think I heard you. Did...did you just say you'd buy me a pair of thongs?"

Digger nodded. "Yeh." Then he finally seemed to notice how quiet the bar had gotten. He pivoted his body on the bar stool to take a look around. "What's everyone staring at? Can't a bloke buy his mate a pair of thongs?"

Waylon pushed his chair back. "Don't say that word again!" he shouted. He got up and went towards the front door. "I need some fresh air."

Digger rolled his eyes. "What's gotten into 'im?"

Len narrowed his eyes in thought. Digger seemed awfully...casual. Was he just too drunk to function, or was there something they were missing? 

Meanwhile, the flush had returned to Edward's face. "I see," he said. "You're a very...direct man, aren't you Digger?"

Digger cocked his head. "I reckon so."

From his position at the table, Len could see both expressions on the men's faces. While Digger looked confused, Edward was obviously aroused. He wet his bottom lip. "Well," he said. "I can be direct too." He ripped the hat off Digger's head and threw it on the countertop with one fluid motion.

"Oi!" the Aussie shouted out. "What're you-" He was cut off by Edward pulling his scarf forward, stopping when Digger was just inches from his face. With his other hand, Edward began to run his fingers through the other man's messy reddish hair and down one of his ridiculous sideburns. Digger's blue eyes were blown wide with surprise and...something else. "M-mate?" he stammered. "What're yer doing?"

Edward giggled. "Oh, don't be coy now," he said. "I don't know how much longer I can wait. I'm parched, Digger, parched. I haven't been touched in six months."

Floyd looked to Query and Echo. "How long ago did he and Crane break up?"

"Three weeks ago," Echo answered. The poor girl looked like she was on the verge of tears. 

Harley shot a dark glare Crane's way. "Really, Jonny? Jerk."

"What was it you said earlier?" Edward continued. He giggled again. "Oh, wait, I remember now: I'm drier than a nun's nasty!"

Query loudly smacked her head on the table. Dent let out a loud curse. Crane said nothing at all, but his face reddened.

It looked like Digger was finally understanding what was happening here. He visibly gulped. "You eh..you want me to buy you another drink?"

Edward let go of Digger's scarf and raised his other hand to cup the Aussie's face. "No," he said. "I have something else in mind." He wet his lips again, opened his mouth, and said...

Cold abruptly stopped. "Edward got quite vulgar at this point," he said. "Are you sure you want to hear it?"

"Come on Lenny, we're all adults," Harley said. 

Wally raised a finger. "Actually-"

"Go on," Bruce ordered. I must not fear, fear is the mind-killer, fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration...

Cold sighed. "Very well. Edward said..."

"I want to get out of here," he started nuzzling Digger's sideburns. "Then I want to suck your brains out through your dick!"

Digger flushed. "You wot mate!?"

Edward continued, not caring about the audible disgusted reactions coming from the other bar patrons. "Then I want you to blow my back out!"

"Oh, Jesus!" Dent shouted. "For the love of Christ! Make it stop! Make it stop!"

Digger sat frozen on the stool, not leaning in towards Edward, but also not pushing him away. He was doing what he normally did when he ran into a problem he couldn't drink away or throw a boomerang at, or simply run from. Nothing. Edward was half perched in his lap now, his hands still caressing his face, and Digger looked like he didn't know what to do. The human equivalent of the blue screen of death.

Sam alone of the Rogues looked concerned. The rest were excitedly whispering. "Come on, Digger!" James said. "Close the deal! You know you want to!"

"Don't do it, Digger," Mick said. "You're both drunk. You'll regret it in the morning."

"You've been stuck on the Squad for months," Harley whispered. "You haven't gotten lucky in a long time. Eddie's the best you're ever gonna get! Do it, Boomer! Do it!"

"No, don't do it, Harkness," Floyd said. "Think about your dignity!"

At that, Len had to scoff. "What dignity!?"

Floyd shrugged. "Yeah, fair enough."

Digger's face was as bright red as Edward's was at this point. "Mate," he said in a higher voice than normal. "You're pissed!"

Edward's nuzzling had moved from Digger's face to his neck. He moved his lips to speak in Digger's ear. "I mean every word, George." Digger's face flushed an even brighter red and his hands snapped from his sides to Edward's shoulders. He stared intently into Edward's eyes, who stared right back. Len's breath caught in his throat. This was it. Was Digger going to shove him back? Or was he going to take him up on his offer? He could hear a vague grinding sound behind him, but for the moment, he ignored it.

Edward was the one to start closing the distance. His eyes fluttered shut, then he abruptly stopped, just an inch away. He started swaying in his stool. "I think," he said. "I'm going to pass out." And so he did, falling forward smack into Digger's chest. The Rogue caught him with a grunt, looking even more confused than before.

"Wot just happened?" he murmured. He looked towards their table. "Oi! What just happened!?"

Query and Echo were on their feet in seconds. "He's done," Query said. "Hand him over." The two henchwomen each took hold of one of Edward's arms and slung it over their shoulders. Digger let them go without a word, staring off into the middle distance. 

"You need help?" Floyd asked.

"Nah," Query answered. "Not the first time we've had to carry him out of a bar." Edward was a dead weight between them, but they seemed to handle him just fine. When they were halfway to the front door, they paused. Query and Echo simultaneously looked over their shoulders back towards Digger. "We're calling a cab for the boss," Query said through clenched teeth.

"When we get back," Echo added, equally angry. "We're gonna have a little talk." Digger nodded, but he clearly wasn't listening. That being said, the two henchwomen completed their trek out of the bar. 

As soon as they'd exited, half the bar erupted into laughter while the other half bravely tried to go back to their drinks. "Jesus Christ," Len heard Dent say. "Jesus Christ! We're gonna need three more bottles of scotch to get that out of our brains!"

"Digger?" Sam called out. "You alright?"

"Wot just happened?" the Rogue murmured. Then he looked stricken at Sam. "Mate! Wot the bloody Hell just happened!?"

Floyd scoffed. "Really, Boomerang? You're a big boy, you figure it out!"

Mark meanwhile, smirked at James and Harley. "Pay up, losers!"

James sulked and reached into his pocket, but Harley shook her head. "No way! The bet's still on!"

"Uh, Harley?" Mick said. "Query and Echo just took Nigma away."

"So? We said that Eddie and Boomer would bang, not that they'd bang tonight! Boomer didn't get a chance to turn Eddie down! The bet's still on!" Mick, Mark, and Floyd looked at each other, then huffed. Harley let out a triumphant laugh, then looked at the bar at Digger. "Boomer, you might wanna get out of here though. Query and Echo are gonna kick your ass!"

This seemed to jolt the Aussie out of his stupor. "Kick me arse? What'd I do!? I was just havin' a drink with me mate!"

"We got your back, Digger!" James shouted. "Right guys?" Sam nodded, though Mick, Mark, and Floyd didn't look so sure. "Len?" James asked. "What about you?"

Len didn't answer. He'd watched Query and Echo as they dragged Edward out of the bar. After they'd left, he'd kept his eye on the table closest to the door. The table Jonathan Crane sat at. Tetch sneered at Edward and muttered something under his breath. Joker had joined in the raucous laughter. Crane though? His eyes burned like coals. His teeth were clenched and his nostrils were flared. This was a man burning with rage and it was directed solely at Digger. Len had been around enough Rogues to know when one was about to snap, and Crane was about to snap. He leaned over to tap Sam on the shoulder. "Get ready," he warned.

As soon as he'd said those words, Crane got out of his chair. Mick, Mark, James, Harley, and Floyd turned at the noise and watched as Crane stalked towards the bar. "Aw crap!" Harley said. 

"Digger!" Sam shouted in warning. The other Rogue turned around to see Crane right behind him. 

"Harkness," Crane seethed. His fists were clenched at his sides.

"Wot?" Digger asked. Without warning, Crane brought his right fist back and socked him square in the face. Digger fell backward, hitting his head on the countertop before sliding to the floor in a heap.

"Whoa!" James shouted. "Not cool! Not cool!"

"You son of a bitch!" Crane shouted, spittle coming from his mouth. "You degenerate son of a bitch!" He began kicking Digger's prone body.

Joker let out a loud whoop. "Whee! Fight, fight, fight, fight!" Soon, other henchmen and Rogues were shouting and laughing. Tetch joined Crane at the bar and began laughing, shouting insults at Digger while Crane continued kicking him. 

Len got out of his chair, turned to his fellow Rogues, and nodded. Digger was a pain in the ass on a good day, but he was still one of them, and for once in his life, he hadn't started this fight. Sam, Mick, Mark, and James followed their leader out of their seats and ran to the bar. Mick and Mark grabbed Crane by each arm, pulling him off of Digger, while Sam leaned down to help him off the floor. Digger was out cold, though Len couldn't tell if it was from the blow or all the alcohol he'd consumed that night. "I'm gonna get him checked out," Sam said, hefting him over his shoulders and retreating to the relative safety of the bathroom. The bar employees followed suit, rushing for cover.

Mick and Mark meanwhile had pinned Crane to the countertop. James stepped forward with a big smirk on his face. "Remember," Len said. "No weapons. Flanagan's rules."

"What about rubber chickens?" James asked.

"You wouldn't dare," Crane hissed. "I am the Master of Fear! The Lord of Despair! I will not be humiliated by-" James cut him off by slapping him in the face with a rubber chicken.

"Take that!" James shouted. He hit him again. "And this! And that! And this!" He continued slapping Crane with the chicken, causing the man to curse and scream. 

Tetch meanwhile, was bouncing on his feet in a panic. "Oh no! March Hare! Somebody do something!"

Harley turned to Floyd. "Should we do somethin'?"

Floyd shook his head. "Why? Seems like they got it under control."

"Yeah, you're right." Harley leaned back in her chair and resumed watching the pathetically one-sided brawl.

"Harvey!" Tetch cried out. "This is grossly unfair!"

"We told you if you started shit with Harkness that we wouldn't back you up," Dent said. "Eat shit!"

Five more hits from the rubber chicken and James paused in his assault. "Had enough?" he asked Crane. "Now you go tell Digger you're sorry!"

Crane responded by reaching a long, spindly arm behind the countertop. He picked something up and threw it. James ducked and the object sailed overhead, hitting Dent in the head. "Son of a bitch!" he shouted. "Who threw an ashtray at us!?"

Joker, without missing a beat, pointed at the Rogues at the bar. "They did it!"

Dent's good eye twitched and Len braced himself. Dent angrily reached into his coat for his coin and flipped it. He then gave his fellow Gotham Rogues a sharp nod. "Get 'em!" The small group got up as one and charged the bar.

Cold paused. "I believe you know the rest from there. We were in a brawl with those idiots when you got here."

Harvey grumbled under his breath. Bruce took a long, deep breath. "Alright. That explains that fight." He could have lived a dozen lifetimes without hearing all of those sordid details. Query and Echo he noticed looked deeply embarrassed. He nodded towards them. "After you called the cab for Nigma, you came into the bar and joined the fight?"

The two women nodded as one. "We came back in and saw the Gotham Rogues and the rest of the guys fighting at the bar," Query said. "Harley told us that Crane slugged Harkness. We saw Tetch trying to help Crane out and we decided to jump Crane."

"Why?" Tetch whined. "Harkness started everything! He's the one you should've brutalized!"

"Oh don't worry," Echo said. "If he still has any ideas about buying Eddie a thong, we'll send his ass to the hospital next!"

"Aw come on," Trickster said. "Eddie's a grown man. He can have a rebound with whoever he wants!"

Wally weakly raised his hand. "Can we please, please stop talking about Ed and Digger? I don't think my heart can take anymore." He then looked at the rest of the room. "So why'd you guys all start brawling? Solidarity?"

The mooks exchanged glances. Then a few of them shrugged. "I don't know," one man said. "Seemed like a good idea at the time."

Bruce resisted the urge to roll his eyes. "And Slade?"

"He walked in about five minutes after the big fight started," Harley explained. "Floyd jumped him."

"Why?" Bruce pressed. 

Lawton shrugged. "It's Slade. Do I need a reason?"

A loud groan came from the pool table Harkness had been dropped on. A second later, the man himself sat up, rubbing his head. "Strewth," he groaned. "What happened?"

"Oh hey, Digger!" Trickster chirped. "We thought you were dead!"

"I feel dead," he muttered. He looked around the room, then did a doubletake when he saw Bruce and Wally. "Crikey! What're they doing here!?"

"Flanagan called them," Trickster explained. "There was a big fight and they had to break it up!"

"A fight?" Harkness looked disappointed. "There was a blue and I missed it?"

"Missed it?" Lawton scoffed. "You were the cause of it!"

Harkness blinked. "Why? Wot I'd do?"

"Digger," Cold questioned. "Don't you remember anything from earlier?"

Harkness blinked again. "I remember Ed getting pissed, and then he left. Then...wait." His eyes widened, and then he jumped off the pool table. "Crane punched me! Where is that scrawny cunt!?"

"He's had enough for tonight," Bruce warned. The Australian Rogue glared at Crane's groaning figure on a table, then took a seat with the rest of Wally's Rogues.

"In Crane's defense Digger," Wally scolded. "You were hitting on his ex in front of him."

"When did I bloody do that?" Harkness asked. "What ex?" Then the penny finally dropped. "Wait: him and Ed? He's Ed's ex-partner....that way?"

Joker began to slow-clap. "Very Good, Captain. Now maybe you can learn to talk and blink at the same time!"

"Boomer," Harley scolded. "Don't tell us you didn't know Eddie likes guys?"

"Of course I knew that!" Harkness said. "Look how the man dresses! I just thought he'd have better taste than Crane! Bastard's as ugly as a hat full of arseholes!"

Mick looked at Harley. "Guess you were right. Maybe he just doesn't like Piper."

Jervis sniffed. "You really don't remember, do you? I suppose we shouldn't be surprised. You Australians are all alike: you drink yourselves to oblivion and make it everyone else's problem! Edward was making an absolute fool of himself in front of everyone here and it made March Hare so upset! Propositioning you like the slag he is!"

"Oi!" Harkness shouted. "Don't call 'im a slag! I'll bash-" he paused. "Wait: 'propositioning'?"

"Was that too big a word?" Jervis sneered. "Fine. He was hitting on you! He said, and I quote, that he wanted to 'suck your brains out', what little brains you have, 'through your dick!' And then he wanted you to-"

"-Blow his back out," Harkness finished. His face had gone pale and he ran a hand through his scruffy hair. "Fuck me dead, I thought I dreamt that."

"So you do remember?" Mirror Master asked.

Harkness slowly nodded. "Yeh. I do." He gulped. "Harls, does 'blow me back out' mean what I think it means?"

Harley giggled. "That depends on what ya think it means, Boomer. If ya think it means he wants ya to take him from behind-"

"Stop!" Wally, Harvey, and half the bar shouted.

"Yes!" Lawton shouted. "Yes Boomerang, it means what you think it means! Jesus!" Harkness didn't respond, but his face flushed. 

Bruce got up from his chair. "I think we're done here."

"Wait!" Trickster shouted. "We still have to determine who's fault the fight was!"

Bruce resisted the urge to grind his teeth. "Crane threw the first punch. It's his fault."

"Harkness provoked him!" Jervis shouted. "It's his fault!"

"Nigma started the flirting," Lawton said. "I'd say it's his fault."

"Joker's the one who called Spooky!" Harley shouted. "It's his fault!"

"The Boss was drunk!' Query shouted. "And Harkness was the one who said he wanted to buy him a pair of thongs!"

Harvey pounded a fist on his table. "Don't ever, ever say the words 'Harkness' and 'thongs' in the same sentence again! We'll kill you!"

The bar descended into another round of loud arguing. It was Harkness who broke it up with a derisive scoff. "You're all a bunch of drongos! Throwing a tanty over bloody shoes!"

All at once, the noise died down. Dozens of eyes snapped to Harkness. "Shoes?" Wally asked. "Wait, Digger, didn't you say you were going to buy Eddie a pair of thongs?"

"I did," Harkness said. 

Bruce froze. Wait a minute. Wait. A. Minute. "Harkness," he breathed. "What are thongs in Australia?"

Harkness looked at him as if he was a simpleton. "Flip-flops! They're bloody flip-flops! I told Ed I'd buy 'im a pair so he wouldn't wear those fancy dress shoes of his to the beach!" He blinked. "Wait: what do you Yanks think thongs are?"

Harley burst out in laughter, while Lawton, Cold, Query, and Echo looked like they wanted to strangle Harkness. "G-strings, Boomer!" Harley said. "Eddie thought you wanted to buy him g-strings!"

Harkness shoved himself so far back in his chair he almost fell over. "Bloody Hell! I didn't-No! No! Eddie thought-no! Was that why he wanted to give me a gobby?"

Trickster clucked his tongue. "Too bad. He'll be so disappointed."

Harkness looked sharply at his colleague. "Wait: he will?"

"Yeah!" Trickster said. "Even before the thong thing, he was flirting with you all night!"

"He was!?" Harkness stared down at the table. "Fuck me dead!"

Joker threw his head back and cackled. "Lord, what fools these mortals be, eh Batsy?"

"I'm done here," Bruce said. He needed to leave before he started cracking skulls again. "Flash, can we agree that this was Crane's fault?"

"Absolutely," Wally agreed. He got out of his chair and went towards the bar. "I need a drink."

"We'll buy you a round, Flash!" Trickster said.

Query and Echo meanwhile marched up to Harkness. "You listen to us, Captain Fuckface," Echo hissed. "Eddie was drunk tonight and he's on the rebound. We see you tryin' to get in his pants, not even Waller will be able to find your remains! Got it!?"

Harkness scowled. "Fine, ya bloody bikes!" Echo cocked her fist back, but Query shook her head. Echo growled, then stormed out of the bar. Query went to the countertop to pick up Nigma's discarded items, then followed her girlfriend out. Bruce grabbed Joker by the elbow and directed him back to the Batmobile while Jervis called an ambulance for Crane. He'd had enough of Flanagan's and Rogues for one night.

Chapter Text

An hour after Batman had left, most of Flanagan's had cleared out. Slade had awakened and almost started a flight with Floyd again, only to be 'gently discouraged' by the Flash. He left. Jervis had left too, accompanying Crane to Gotham County hospital.

Now it's time to check in on one of the 'heroes' in the center of this whole mess.

George "Digger" Harkness would be the first to admit that he was not a 'smart' man, but he wasn't quite the idiot that his colleagues thought he was. He had built all of his boomerangs by hand after all, and he did possess a low cunning when he needed to. When he was off on missions with Task Force X as often as he was, he needed to be cunning. Even Amanda Waller had commented on how he possessed a gift for surviving whatever situation he was thrown into. He couldn't be as dumb as people said, now could he? 

That being said, Digger was not a deep thinker. He preferred to live and act in the moment. However, the events at that meeting were forcing him to think long and hard about his next actions. While the other blokes and the Gotham nutjobs hashed out details with Flash, Digger was sitting at the bar countertop, one hand clutching his beanie. The beanie that Ed had ripped off his head. Digger could hear Flash and Len droning on in the background about something, but he wasn't paying attention to it. He was replaying Ed's words in his head. "I want to suck your brains out through your dick, then I want you to blow my back out!" 

Digger swallowed, hard. It had been a long, long time since anyone had wanted him like that. He heard the sound of a throat clearing and looked up. The bartender was gesturing to his empty mug. "You want a refill, Harkness?"

Digger shook his head. "Nah, mate. I think I've had enough." The bartender raised an eyebrow in surprise but took the empty mug away. Digger ran a hand down his face. Look at him. He didn't even want a drink. He should want to drink, right? He should want to drink the memory of this entire night away, shouldn't he? Get so blotto he'd wake up the next morning and forget all about how badly Ed had wanted him to fuck him senseless. Would be just as well. Ed would have the mother of all hangovers tomorrow. Once he was sober, he'd probably be embarrassed. 

"Digger?"

He turned to see that Flash and the Rogues were staring at him. "Wot?" he asked.

"We've reached an agreement," Len said. "Get over here."

Digger rolled his eyes but put his beanie back on, hopped off the stool, and joined his fellow Rogues at the table. "Ok," Flash said as soon as he sat down. "So Batman and I agreed that Crane was responsible for the bar brawl. Under the Rogue Rules, that means that Digger has the right to retaliate. Now, as the closest thing to a leader that the Gotham Rogues have, Harv here's agreed to let you have two choices: you can either foil Crane's next scheme, or you can have two minutes to give him a beatdown, anytime, anywhere. What's it going to be, Digger?"

That didn't take much thought. "I ain't messin' with that fear toxin crap," Digger said. "I'll take the bashin'."

"Thought you would," Flash said. "Cool. Then my work here is done. Later guys!"

"Bye Flash!" James said, waving the superhero off. With Flash gone, the Gotham Rogues at the table dispersed, leaving Floyd, Harley, and Croc with the rest of the gang from Keystone. All of whom were giving Digger looks that ranged from annoyance to amusement. He wasn't sure which was worse.

Floyd huffed. "I swear to Christ, Harkness, you're the only son of a bitch I know who can piss off an entire bar without even trying."

"Choom off," Digger replied. "'S not like I knew Crane was going to bloody show up and go berko."

"You missed the worst part Digs," James said. "When you were in the bathroom, he called Eddie a desperate little whore and he said he was only good for a quick, cheap fuck!"

"He said wot!?" Digger shouted. He pounded his right fist on the table so hard it shook. "When I get my hands on that scrawny cunt I'll break his neck!" James, Harley, and Sam immediately burst out laughing. "What's so funny!?" he demanded. "I'll do it!"

"Aww," Harley cooed. "Look at ya go, Boomer. Ya really do like Eddie, don't ya?"

He wasn't flushing. He wasn't. "Don't make it weird Harls. I'm $450 grand richer thanks to him. He's a fun bloke to be around. He's a bit of a galah, but he's alright. That's it." 

Sam just shook his head. "Sure, Digger. That's it."

"Mate, not you too," Digger whined. "I wasn't tryin' to flirt with him tonight!"

"You didn't exactly stop him from playing with your face," James said.

Ed's hands did feel nice. They felt soft, even through those gloves of his. No. No, no no no. He wasn't going to think those thoughts. "He was just puttin' on a show for Crane, that's it."

Harley's expression turned from amused to almost sad. "Is that what ya think? Boomer, Eddie didn't know Jonny was gonna be here. And he doesn't play games with people like that. If he flirts with ya, it's cuz he likes ya!"

Of all the people at the table, Harley did know Ed the best, Digger supposed. If Ed was a Sheila, there'd be no doubt in his mind. He'd be up her faster than a rat up a drainpipe. Ed was a bloke though, and he'd never been with a bloke. Then again...Ed wasn't bad-looking for a bloke. He was...actually kind of pretty. He was certainly better looking than the last Sheila he'd picked up from Flanagan's. He was smart, he was funny, and he'd wanted him. Every box Digger had ticked off. The only drawback was that he was a bloke. Was that a drawback though? Did Digger know for sure that he didn't like blokes, or was it just that he'd never been with one? He did say he'd try anything once, didn't he? If anyone gave him grief, he'd just tell them to get stuffed, like he always did. If everyone already thought that he and Ed were fucking, he might as well get that gobby, right? If he was going to be on Crane's shitlist, he might as well do something to deserve being there, right? 

"Digger?" Sam's voice broke through. "You ok?"

"He's thinking," Len said. 

Floyd snickered. "Does it hurt?"

"Choom off," Digger said. He got out of his chair. "I'm headin' out. Gonna go sleep this off."

"Call me as soon as you're ready to get Crane's ass," Sam called after him. 

"Cheers, Mate," Digger responded. He ignored the looks he got from the goons and employees alike as he exited the bar and walked towards the road. Call a cab, go back to his hotel, get some sleep, wake up, and then decide what to do about Crane and Ed.

Exactly ten hours later, Digger Harkness woke up with a headache, but also with a clearer mind than he'd had in years.

"There, there, March Hare," Jervis said, fluffing Jonathan's pillow. "Just a few more minutes and then the doctor said you could go home."

Jonathan Crane lay flat on his back in his hospital bed. His left leg was in a cast, broken courtesy of Edward's henchwenches. His pale blue eyes were fixed on the ceiling. Jonathan looked like he wanted to set it on fire. "Those damn bitches," he hissed. "I'll have to plan somethin' special for the pair of them."

"I'll help," Jervis said. He still owed those two harpies for the time they'd smashed his tea set. "We'll pay them back and have a tea party with Alice and then forget this whole thing-"

Jonathan continued on, ignoring him. "As for Harkness...my fear toxin's too good for him. He'll die when my scythe opens his throat." He narrowed his eyes and Jervis swore the room dropped a few degrees. "I'll make sure Edward's watching while I do it."

Jervis stared at his friend and scowled. "Or you could obsess over Dormouse some more. Wonderful." Jonathan opened his mouth to respond but a knocking at the door cut him off. "That must be the doctor. Come in!" The door opened wide, but it wasn't a doctor who walked in. It was Mirror Master accompanied by a friend of his. A friend that neither Jervis nor Jonathan wished to see. Jervis shrieked. "No! Not you!"

"G'day mates!" Digger Harkness greeted with a cold smile.

Jonathan's eyes widened slightly, then narrowed in hatred. "Harkness..." he hissed.

"Reckon," the Australian greeted back. He looked at Jonathan's elevated leg and laughed. "Aw, that looks like it hurt." Then his smile turned feral. "How 'bout I give you a matchin' set?"

"Y-you can't do this!" Jervis stammered. "Not in a hospital! Harvey would never allow it!"

"Sure he would, ya little nonce," Harkness said. "Matter of fact, he gave me a choice: ruinin' one of yer plans, or a two-minute bashin'. Me bein' the true blue bogan I am, I went for the bashin'." He took off his long trenchcoat and dropped it on the chair next to Jonathan's bed, followed by his ridiculous bandolier. "Don't need me karlis for this. We're gonna go by Aussie rules. You hit me, I hit ya back." He rolled up his sleeves, cracked his knuckles, and then his neck. 

Jonathan lay rigid in the bed, while Jervis looked desperately at Mirror Master. "Scudder, you can't let him!"

Mirror Master shrugged. "Sure I can. Crane started it. Digger has the right to finish it. Rogue Rules. You don't like it, there's the door. Also, if you try to jump Digger, I have permission to trap your creepy ass in a mirror for the rest of your life." He leaned down slightly, grinning. "Do it. I dare you."

Jervis yelped, then threw one last desperate plea at Harkness. "Have you no decency, sir?"

Harkness exchanged a glance at Mirror Master, and then both men threw their heads back and laughed. "Really, nonce?" Harkness asked. "'S like ya don't even know me! I don't do decency! I'm a bloody Rogue! 'Sides, it's not like Crane here's a decent man, now is he?" He walked a few steps towards the hospital bed. Jonathan glared at him in defiance.

"Mark my words, Harkness," he said. "You will regret this day."

Harkness scoffed. "Nah, I don't think so. See, when my two minutes are up, I'm gonner make a call to me new mate: Ed." Jonathan's mouth went from a thin line to a sneer. "I heard he's parched, poor thing. Seems like his ex was a bastard who didn't touch 'im for six bloody months. Ol' Digger's gonna have to set that to rights. Show 'im the wonder from Down Under."

"You degenerate bastard!" Jonathan hissed. 

"Too right I am!" Harkness looked over his shoulder to Mirror Master. "You got yer phone ready, Sam?"

Mirror Master held up his phone. "Got it. I'll take pictures, just like you want."

"Beauty!"

"Pictures!?" Jonathan and Jervis shouted at once.

Mirror Master grinned and raised the phone. "Alright Digger: your two minutes starts...the time on the phone changed from 12:30 pm to 12:31. "Now!"

Digger launched himself towards the bed, and mayhem ensued. Doctors, nurses, and other medical staff heard the commotion but wisely chose not to interfere. They'd been told who was coming, after all.

Edward had never felt so low, physically or mentally, in his entire life.

The hangover, he could manage. He'd pulled himself out of bed at 10 am and wandered into the kitchen whining at the girls to get him water and the strongest OTC medication they had. Then he'd made the mistake of looking at his phone and the dozens upon dozens of notifications he had. Messages from Selina and Oswald, asking what the Hell was wrong with him if he'd been on some kind of drug the previous night. Then a message from Harley, linking him to the Rogue LGBTQIA+ discord. The chat was on fire, and he was the chief topic of discussion. Then a picture was posted of him and Digger at the bar, him falling into Digger's arms, him caressing Digger's face.

And then all the memories of the previous night came rushing back.

Diedre and Nina slowly and carefully explained the events of the previous night to him, and he wanted to die. Well, not really. He wanted to lock himself in a dark room and never see anyone else again. At least for the next six months.

"I can't believe it," he whined, sitting in between the girls on their sofa. "What was I thinking? How could I be so stupid?"

"You were drunk, Eddie," Nina said, gently patting him on the shoulder. "You've had a rough few weeks and you blew off steam. It happens."

"I can never show my face there again," Edward groaned, squeezing his eyes shut.

"It's not the end of the world, Boss," he heard Diedre say. "People get shit-faced and do stupid shit at Flanagan's all the time. Give it a week, and everyone will forget about it."

"I won't!" Edward shouted. "Flip flops!? I made a complete jackass of myself over flip-flops!?" He wanted to cry. "God, Jonathan was right: I am a desperate little whore."

"Fuck Crane!" Nina shouted. "Say the word and we'll go break his other leg!"

Edward pulled his phone out of his pocket and checked his texts. Yet more notifications from Discord and the various Rogue gossip sites and a few texts from Selina, Harley, and Pam. None from Digger. Edward had sent him a long apology twenty minutes ago and he hadn't responded. He probably wouldn't. He'd probably pretend the whole thing didn't happen and never contact Edward again. Maybe that was for the best. It beat getting an exploding boomerang at the door. Edward let out another groan. "God, Digger must be furious. He thought he was out for drinks with a friend, and he ended up getting harassed by a drunken slob and punched out by a psychopath in burlap. He must think I'm the worst."

"Boss, I promise you, no one on God's Green Earth gives a fuck what Digger Harkness thinks," Diedre said. "Nina and I need to go run a few errands. You want to tag along?"

Edward shook his head. "I want to be alone."

He missed the worried look Nina shot her girlfriend. "Ok, Eddie," she said gently. "We'll be back in a few hours. Just don't lock yourself in your room again, ok?"

Once the girls left the apartment, Edward lay down on the sofa, burying his face in the cushions. He wanted them to swallow him whole. Maybe he'd been drunk, but he did like Digger. He wasn't in love with the man of course, but he really did like him, and he'd ruined it. He barely heard the sound of his phone ringing. Could it be? He answered without looking at the number. "Yes!?"

It was one of the last people he wanted to hear from. "Dormouse!"

"Oh Christ, what do you want Tetch?"

"Don't you dare speak to me that way! Not after what your horrid new boyfriend just did!"

Edward cringed. "Digger's not my boyfriend, he-wait. What did he do?"

"Don't act innocent! He stormed into March Hare's hospital room and attacked him! It was obscene! He punched him in the face, he punched the cast on his broken leg, he smashed him over the head with a bedpan, he knocked him to the ground and he kicked him!"

Edward imagined the scene and for the first time that day, smiled. "He did?" He'd have to get the security feed from the hospital and watch it himself. "Well, what do you want me to do about it? Jonathan did hit Digger first after all. He should have expected payback." He heard a beeping sound and pulled his phone away from his ear. His heart froze. Digger had finally responded to his text: No worries, mate! Then another message popped up. It was a picture of Digger, posing over Jonathan's limp body on the hospital floor. It seemed like Jervis was telling the truth. Edward felt his face flush. Digger was flexing one of his biceps and it was as built as it had felt.

"Edward! Are you listening!?"

"No," Edward said, hanging up. Another message had arrived. Still fancy having a bit of the Captain in you? I'm up for it.

That had to be one of, if not the worst pick-up lines that Edward had ever heard. He bit his lip. Oh, he couldn't not fuck him now. He was about to ask him to come over when he remembered the girls. He quickly typed a response. Your place. Thirty minutes. Edward let out a squeal of delight and rushed towards his bathroom. Shower, grab the condoms and lubricant from his drawer, call a cab, get laid!

The Rogues were having a quiet day in their warehouse hideout in Keystone when Sam returned. Len looked up from the football game he and the others were watching at his entrance. "Is it done?"

"Yeah. It's done. Digger gave Crane a beatdown to remember. He's going to be busy in Gotham for a while he said." Sam walked up to James, reached into his pocket for his wallet, and pulled out $100. "Here you go, James."

James let out a triumphant laugh while Len's, Mick's, and Mark's jaws dropped. "No way," Mark breathed. "No Goddamned way."

"I should have known," Len grumbled, pulling out his own wallet. "The second Digger thinks about anything, he does it."

Hartley walked into the living room and watched as Mick and Mark also gave James money. "What did I miss?"

James looked at his friend with a toothy grin. "Digger's banging Eddie Nigma!"

Hartley's eyes bugged out. "Digger's WHAT!? When and how the everloving fuck did this happen!?"

"It's a long story..."

The End