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“I bet you won’t kiss me.”
Rimmer looked up from his book, completely affronted.
“What?”
“I said, I bet you won’t kiss me,” Lister smirked, leaning over the table towards Rimmer.
“What on Io are you blathering about?” Rimmer sighed, slamming his book shut to give Lister his full attention.
“You won’t kiss me.”
“What makes you say that?” Rimmer huffed, crossing his arms.
“I just know you won’t,” Lister said simply, taking a long sip of his lager. “You’re too chicken.”
“Now hold on Miladdo, you can’t just say that!”
“I can’t?” Lister asked innocently, grinning like the cat that caught the canary.
“I could most certainly kiss you. If I wanted to. Which I don’t. ”
“Sure,” Lister rolled his eyes, his voice dripping with sarcasm.
“I could!” Rimmer exclaimed, slamming his hands down onto the table in some sort of attempt to make his point come across more clearly. “I’ll have you know I’m a great kisser!”
“I don't believe you,” Lister challenged.
“Oh, you’re just asking for it!” Rimmer frowned. “You’re trying to goad me into doing something stupid.”
“No, I’m not,” Lister huffed. “I’m just stating a fact. You won’t kiss me. I know you won’t.”
If there was one thing Rimmer could never resist, it was a challenge. He stood up and stormed around the table. Lister’s eyes followed him the whole way, the smug grin on his gerbil-face growing exponentially as Rimmer grew closer.
“I can’t just sit there and let you win this Listy,” Rimmer growled as he came to a halt in front of Lister.
“Are you sure about this Rimsy?” Lister purred, pushing his leg against Rimmer. “If this is too daunting of a task, there’s no shame in backing down.”
“I’m not backing down! I’m simply readying myself.”
“You’re just making excuses because you’re too scared to kiss me,” Lister sing-songed.
“That’s it!” Rimmer seethed. “You’ve really done it now. Prepare yourself.”
“Oh no!” Lister giggled, pretending to swoon. “Whatever shall I do?”
Rimmer reached forward and clamped his hands onto Lister’s shoulders. “Don’t test me.”
“You won’t do it.”
“I will.”
“Nah.”
“Yes, I will!”
“Nope.”
“Listy! Shut your smegging mouth!”
“I know you wo-” Lister’s words were cut off by Rimmer surging forward to capture his lips in a kiss. Lister smiled as he draped his arms over Rimmer’s shoulders, pulling the hologram closer.
“Take that,” Rimmer whispered before diving back in to continue kissing Lister.
“Mmmhmmm,” Lister hummed.
Meanwhile, Kryten was staring from where he had been cleaning the stove. The look on the mechanoid’s face was akin to the human emotion known as, ‘disgust.’ Kryten desperately wanted to tell them to do their weird human mating rituals somewhere else, but he knew full well that they wouldn’t listen.
“Buds! Will you just stop?!” Luckily, Kryten didn’t have to say anything, because the Cat, who had been lounging on Rimmer’s bunk, decided to speak up. “You do this every week! Can’t you go to a storage closet or something? You’re ruining my nap.”
Rimmer pulled away from Lister and turned around to glare at the Cat. “I’ll do what I want, where I want. I’m senior officer aboard this vessel!”
“Yes he is,” Lister grinned as he wrapped his arms around Rimmer’s waist, pulling the hologram back towards him. “Arnold Rimmer, acting senior officer.”
“How can I be an ‘acting’ officer? Do you think anyone above me is going to magically come back from the dead? If not, I see no reason why I can’t just be the senior officer,” Rimmer huffed.
“Buds, I don’t care about any of this officer stuff, I just want to sleep. Why do you always have to do this?” The Cat whined.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Rimmer sniffed.
“You’ve been dating for at least 3 months now and you still insist on doing all of this stupid bickering!” The Cat cried. “I just don’t understand why you gotta do all this just to kiss each other! I’ll never get monkeys.”
“I agree with Mr. Cat on this one,” Kryten added. “If you are already in a relationship, why must you always start a fight in order to mash your faces together in the way you humans find so pleasurable?”
“Shut it you metal git.”
“Don’t be a prat Rimsy,” Lister rolled his eyes as he used his hand to direct Rimmer’s gaze back to him. “How about we pick up where we left off?”
“Where were we?”
“I believe you were in the middle of proving me wrong.”
“Ah yes. That is one of my favorite pastimes.”
“Buds!” The Cat yowled.
Lister and Rimmer paid no attention to the complaints from the others. They had far more important things to focus on.