Work Text:
“So you're going for the silent treatment?"
Maki's words echo in the narrow chamber, clear and unavoidable, but Yuuta doesn't rise to the bait. His eyes remain closed, his breaths evenly timed — but his attempt to continue his casual meditation is foiled when she doesn't let up.
"Mai used to do that when she was pissed, too," she says dryly, cracking her knuckles one by one. "Nice try, but I'm pretty much immune to it. Brood all you want." There's the scuff of a shoe against the floor, along with the rustle of shifting fabric, and her voice grows closer. "I still have a lot to say to you, so if you aren't gonna talk then that's fine. The least you can do is listen this time."
Yuuta barely represses a sigh as he finally opens his eyes, unsurprised to find her already looking at him. He isn't giving Maki the 'silent treatment' or brooding, as she often likes to accuse him of doing. He simply has no desire to rehash this argument when he'd already gotten approval for his decision — however passive that approval might have been. (But he tries not to dwell on that.) "I listened the last time, Maki-san. My feelings haven't changed."
"And I know how you are when you make up your mind about something," Maki continues as if he hadn't spoken, "but you might want to actually think for a minute about what it would mean to become a proper 'monster.' It's not some kind of cheat code like you seem to think it is. If you want to get stronger that bad, there are a million other ways."
"I have thought about it," Yuuta says, a little more tersely than he intends to. Maki's brows go up at that, and he schools his tone back into evenness. "Getting stronger isn't the point."
Maki hums, picking at one of her cuticles. "Oh, is that right? So then you just wanna play the martyr again?"
"When have I ever," Yuuta begins, then stops to exhale. He can't let himself take her words to heart; after all, he'd known he would get some pushback. Clearly, though, he'd underestimated how much. "Maki-san," he says, attempting to bring the conversation to a close, "we shouldn't be getting distracted. This isn't the place."
Maki sniffs and props a hand on her hip, her expression unmoved. "Really? I'm sure Satoru doesn't actually need our help guarding the door."
"I just don't want to discuss this right now."
"Then when are we supposed to discuss it? Or am I supposed to just be fine with you pawning yourself off like it means nothing?"
"I'm not pawning myself off," Yuuta says sedately, "I'm doing what's necessary."
"Is it? Because if Satoru dies, that doesn't mean it's suddenly necessary for you to be everybody's keeper."
"I'll take that into consideration." Losing his tenuous grasp on patience, Yuuta withholds an exasperated sigh and moves to step around her — but Maki blocks his way, and a pulse of irritation spikes in his chest. "Maki-san."
"Will you? Really?"
He shifts aside, but she only moves to obstruct him again. "Maki-san," he says again, with thinly-veiled impatience, "we went over this. You aren't going to change my mind."
"I'm not trying to," Maki says, staring at him hard. "You've done this before and you'll do it again, no matter what any of us say. I've got sense enough to know that much."
Yuuta stops and looks at her, his irritation rising. "What's that supposed to mean?"
"What do you think it means?" Maki's voice is brittle, veiled with frustration and accusation in equal measure. "The way you've been acting since Hyakki Yakou. The way you just jumped into the Culling Game on your own. You really must think we're idiots, to not notice what's you're trying to do."
"I was doing what I had to —"
"No. No." Maki cuts him off, swiping her hand in front of her palm-out. "Don't try to spin it like you had no choice, Yuuta. It doesn't matter whose sake it was for. You might've had your own reasons, but there's always a choice."
"I know that already."
"You sure don't act like it," Maki snaps. "There are other choices in this too, but you aren't even willing to talk it out."
"That's not fair, Maki-san," he says lowly. "You don't..."
Her brow lifts in question. "What?"
Understand. She doesn't understand the strain of vacancy that creeps into the edges of Gojou's expression when he thinks no one is watching him; the weight in his voice when he'd said, the only one I've ever had. The remorse that had flickered in his eyes, right before he'd closed the door that looms right next to them. Yuuta knows that Maki can't understand something she'd never needed to question, but it haunts him — the albatross hanging around Gojou's neck, and the way it bows his back.
And of course it does, because he'd played a part in putting it there.
You don't understand, he thinks, that this is my fault. I took away the only person who made Sensei feel less alone.
And because of that, I have to...
But Yuuta doesn't give voice to those words — because in the end, it doesn't matter if she and the others understand him or not. His resolution is set, and their disagreement isn't enough to make him waver. There's too much at stake for him to be indecisive. (Too much he has to compensate for.)
Deciding to simply disengage, Yuuta deliberately turns away from her again, pushing his bangs out of his face and hoping that she'll just drop the subject. "...nevermind. Sorry."
—apparently he gets the inflection wrong, though, because Maki's face hardens almost immediately. "No, what? I don't what, Yuuta?"
Yuuta really doesn't have the emotional bandwidth to mollify her right now, but nevertheless he tries to prevent his agitation from seeping into his voice when he responds. "Nevermind, Maki-san. We can talk about this later."
"We can talk about it right now," she says coolly. "We've got time." She takes a step closer, and the hairs on Yuuta’s nape stir. "If you have something to apologize for, then you'd better come out and say it first."
In his pique, he'd nearly forgotten: Maki is far more stubborn than him and far less forgiving, especially when she feels like she's being dismissed. The layer of tension between them that had been brewing since the strategy meeting had evidently reached its boiling point, but he's in no mood to deal with it. "Don't do that."
Maki crowds him, but he doesn't yield ground. "So you’re giving orders now, Yuuta-san? Should I start calling you that, then?"
Yuuta grits his teeth and takes a deep breath of cold air, trying hard to recover his equanimity. The flame in the sconce next to them wavers precariously. "Maki-san —"
—and from the shadows down the corridor, another voice chimes in. "Hey, what kind of standoff is this? We were only gone a minute!"
In his peripherals Yuuta sees Toge saunter out of the darkness with Panda on his shoulder, and the thin note of unease belying Panda’s airy words whittles his building anger back into awareness. In his displeasure, he hadn't even realized how much cursed energy had been spilling off of him, filling the hallway and settling deep into its crevices. All of the sconces in the corridor have dimmed. Quickly he spools it back into himself along with his temper, gripping hard onto the strap of his katana case as he turns to face his two approaching classmates.
"All right, break it up," Panda drawls when he's reached them, sliding to the floor and huffing. "I get that everyone's been edgy since the meeting, but do we really have to fight about it? In the end it's Yuuta’s decision, Maki. Not ours."
Maki retorts, "I know that already," at the same time Yuuta mutters, "we're not fighting," and the two of them glance at each other. Yuuta frowns and Maki scowls at him, but at that, to Yuuta's surprise, Toge ambles over and whacks her on the shoulder with his empty sleeve.
She brushes him off sullenly, but he gives her a reproving look. "[Stop it. What's gotten into you?]"
"Are you really asking me that?"
"I'm having war flashbacks to our first year," Panda mutters, padding up next to Yuuta with his arms folded. "This is getting downright painful. Satoru'll probably be done in a second, Maki, so just go ahead and say what you need to say and Yuuta will hear you out." He elbows Yuuta's leg pointedly. "Right, Yuuta?"
Feeling mildly chastened, Yuuta reluctantly nods, unclenching his hand and letting it drop to his side. "...fine. Please, go ahead."
"Go ahead?" A smirk devoid of warmth slopes Maki's lips. "Oh, you think you're doing me a favor?"
"Maki," Toge says sharply. Maki closes her eyes and exhales, long and slow, before crossing her arms and propping one shoulder against the sconce beside them.
"You never ask us for anything," she says lowly, "even if it's something like this. You just expect us to agree, like it should be obvious. That's what's pissing me off right now."
But it is obvious. It's obvious for the same reason Yuuta had offered himself to Rika at Hyakki Yakou, and for the same reason Itadori had swallowed Sukuna's finger; for the same reason Gojou had taken the mantle of being The Strongest onto his shoulders, and the stability of the jujutsu world along with it. Yuuta doesn't understand why she can't see that. "I understand that, Maki-san, but I don't know what else you want me to say. I can't help that you feel that way."
"It's not just me who feels that way," Maki says with an ill-disguised glower. "They're not gonna say it, but these two do too. That's why they came here with me."
But neither of his other classmates had seemed to begrudge him nearly as much for his proposal as Maki does. Yuuta looks to Toge for confirmation and finds that his expression is drawn. Even Panda, who'd been the least vocal about protesting his decision, is shifting on his feet and frowning. "...is that true, Inumaki-kun? Panda-kun?"
Toge adjusts his collar with a halfhearted shrug, avoiding Yuuta's eye. "[You had to expect that, right? You're our friend.]"
"We know you'll do what you think is best," Panda says, his voice oddly subdued, "but that doesn't mean we have to like it. It's not fun watching somebody you care about try to throw themselves away."
"Is that what you all think I'm doing?" Yuuta feels his brows pull together as frustration stirs anew in his chest. "Do you really think I don't understand the consequences?"
Panda and Toge exchange a cryptic look at that, but Maki's gaze doesn't move from Yuuta’s face. Strangely, her voice is much less harsh when she speaks again. "The day I met you," she says, "you told me you wanted to be needed by someone. Remember?"
"Of course I remember," Yuuta says quietly. "I'd never forget that."
"Well, I'm trying to tell you that you are, but I don't know if it's actually getting through to you. You seem real eager to just brush past it."
"You don't get it, Maki-san. It is a matter of necessity, even if you all don't think so." He closes a hand around the strap of his case again, the brass buckle cold under his palm. "You know how much we've already lost. This is something that only I can do, so that's why I should."
"Yuuta," Maki says calmly, "you cannot help him if he doesn't want it."
The words deal him a near-physical blow. The light in the sconce next to him dies in the instant between their conclusion and the breath he takes afterward, but it takes him a long moment to find his voice.
He's well aware of that. He'd spent enough time staring at Gojou's impassive profile, at the distant broadness of his back, to be aware. He’d known it deep in his soul ever since Hyakki Yakou; that Satoru Gojou does not stand alone at the top because he has to, but because he’d chosen to.
That the ivory tower in which he dwells is one he’d erected himself, and there are no footholds on its walls to scale. Yuuta had always known that, but that hasn't stopped him from trying.
The silence gnaws at his back with cold, sharp teeth, and Yuuta stifles the urge to glance at the door behind him. His voice emerges suffocated. "...I know, Maki-san."
"No, listen to me." Maki straightens and comes closer again — but this time, unlike before, Yuuta does recoil. "I know what Satoru means to you, but you don't have to compromise yourself chasing after him. Especially if it's not what you want."
Yuuta can't think of what to say. His eyes fall from hers. "I..."
"You never stop to consider yourself," Maki says quietly, "but you were the one who said you hated being alone."
Yuuta draws in a thin, frigid breath. In the surface of the polished stone floor he sees the distorted reflection of his own face, and around it his mind's eye reconstructs a room full of talismans. A twisted knife catching the candlelight, the cold kiss of his ring against his chest. Polished black shoes at the edge of his vision.
That's lonely, isn't it?
"I know." He blinks hard, dispelling the image, and forces himself to meet Maki's eye again when he responds. "But I'm not alone anymore."
"No, you're not," Maki says. "Just keep that in mind." With a sigh, she shakes her head and looks away. "Anyway, that's all I wanted to say. Whether you ignore it again is up to you."
There is no ire in the lines of her brow, no resentment in the set of her shoulders, and Yuuta only realizes it then — that from the start, she had never been purely angry. His heart cracks, and shame leaks outwards to subsume the last of his frustration.
Maki, who had reaffirmed his purpose; Toge, who had looked out for him; Panda, who had always made him feel welcome — these are his closest friends in the world, the people who had given him a reason to stay, and all he wants is to take care of them in return.
But it doesn't matter what his intentions had been, because the impact of his choice extends beyond himself. The least he can do is take responsibility for that.
Yuuta looks first to Panda, then to Toge, who both meet his eyes with a distinct lack of judgement that he definitely doesn't deserve, and the fissure in his chest widens. Swallowing down the sudden tightness in his throat, Yuuta lowers his eyes. "Maki-san," he says softly, "I understand."
Abruptly, Maki uncrosses her arms and holds up a hand, waiting wordlessly until Yuuta slowly clasps it in his own. She doesn't look appeased by any means, but she isn't actively glaring anymore. "Do you?" Her grip is as hard as her voice, but Yuuta doesn't flinch from either. He meets her gaze in silence, and Maki snorts. "Well, at least you're not apologizing."
You wouldn't mean it anyway, is what he hears at the margins of her words; but rather than bristle again, Yuuta only squeezes her hand in quiet acknowledgement.
(He knows better than to argue against the truth.)
Maki squeezes back, much harder than he had, and the bones of Yuuta's knuckles creak in protest. He doesn't wince, though, and the corner of her mouth tilts up a little as she starts to speak again — but the moment is interrupted by an exaggerated sniffle.
"Aww, how sweet," Panda coos. "Are you gonna kiss and make up now~?"
"Die," Maki intones, dropping Yuuta's hand. Toge hides his laugh with a cough as Panda gasps and points at her, affronted.
"See what I was saying, Toge?! She's so much nicer to him than us!"
Toge nods sadly. "Shake."
"That's just bias, isn't it?!"
"Shake!"
Maki rolls her eyes toward the ceiling with a long-suffering sigh, and a laugh bubbles unexpectedly out of Yuuta's chest. The tension that had been straining his joints before is all but gone now, and he holds up his newly-bruised hand with a smile. "Are you sure about that?"
"That is what passes as 'nice' for her." Panda starts to scale Yuuta's leg, and Yuuta lifts him up the rest of the way so that he can clamber onto his shoulder. "...yikes, though. For a minute I thought you guys were actually going to duke it out."
Toge shivers affectedly. "[Scaryyy. They'd bring the whole place down.]"
"Yeah, like a pair of elephants tap-dancing on an anthill."
"Elephants..?" Yuuta looks up at his classmate, confused, but Panda merely pats his head with a knowing simper.
"Don't worry about it. You just had to be there."
In the midst of Yuuta trying to puzzle that one out, Maki perks up and tilts her head toward the sanctum's door. "Oh. Satoru's coming."
Toge looks at her in astonishment. "[That new sixth sense is so freaky.]"
"I don't want to hear that from a guy who still believes in palm readings."
"[Hey, those are legit!]"
Ignoring him, Maki saunters over to Yuuta's side and grasps his shoulder briefly. "No matter what you end up doing," she says. "you know we've got your back. Even if we think it's complete overkill."
"[Everything this guy does is overkill]," Toge opines, prodding none-too-gently between Yuuta’s shoulderblades and grinning at his wince.
"Yeah, you're right." Maki glances at Yuuta and finally cracks a genuine smile, though the shape of it looks more than a little exasperated. "How could I forget."
Panda pats Yuuta’s head again to get his attention. "I agree. But just remember," he says sweetly, "Rika-chan will be super mad if you die."
Toge gives him a solemn nod. "[Especially if you only lasted a year.]"
Maki clicks her tongue. "That'd just be depressing. You'll be sleeping on the couch for a century."
"Everyone..." Yuuta sighs at their needling, resigned but fond. He'd forgotten how much he'd missed this while he was abroad. "I get it. Thank you."
Right as the words leave his mouth, the door before them at last creaks open again, and all four of them straighten warily. For an endless moment, there's only the yawning darkness of the corridor beyond, and Yuuta feels a new tautness begin to thread across his shoulders.
—then their teacher saunters out, clapping his hands together nonchalantly as if he'd only gone to run an errand. "Welp, all done. Good work, everyone. Lunch is on me."
A breath of relief leaves Yuuta's chest; Maki, still beside him, looks extremely unimpressed by this lucrative offer. "We didn't do anything."
"It's a thanks for the moral support! Sheesh, don't make me reconsider." The door swings shut with a resounding boom as Gojou starts down the corridor with them on his heels, withdrawing his phone from his pocket and glancing at the stream of notifications on its screen. "—let's make that tomorrow though, because I'm booked until midnight. Panda, I've gotta go see the old man, so you're coming with me. The rest of you can head back to the school."
Panda allows Gojou to scoop him up with a sigh of resignation. "I'm not looking forward to this..."
"You don't have to talk to him or anything, I just want you there to hear what he has to say." Gojou pockets his phone and tucks Panda under his arm, then pulls sternly at one of his ears. "With that said — if you've got any hard feelings, then now's the time to air 'em out. He takes offense real easily, and we can't have another political incident going down right now."
"You're one to talk!" Panda huffs, squirming free of Gojou's grip and climbing around to his back. "Pandas don't get 'hard feelings.' I'll be fine."
Gojou grins. "Then we're good. I'll warp us there." He catches sight of Yuuta's face and raises a brow quizzically as they near the fork at the head of the corridor. "What's up, Yuuta?"
There isn't a speck of blood on him. He looks as pristine and unaffected as he had when he'd gone into the chamber — but the too-wide smile stretching his lips is utterly devoid of cheer. The indiscernible thrum of Infinity sheens his body, a faint presence that shimmers like diamonds. Like glass.
You're not alone either. Even if it's not the same.
That's what Yuuta wants to say, but...he knows better. Now isn’t the time.
"...nothing, Sensei," Yuuta murmurs instead. "Please let me know if you need anything."
"You act like I'm the one who's been sentenced. Lighten up a little, hm?" He ruffles Yuuta’s hair, but he's still looking straight ahead. His Six Eyes are cloudy and unfocused, a rainy penitence obstructing the sky-blue of his irises. "It'll all work out. Have some faith."
(Faith isn't the issue. Yuuta has that in excess, but...)
"I'll be back at the school in a couple of hours." Gojou flashes them a peace sign and another synthetic smile. "In the meantime, keep up the hard work. Later!" And with that, he and Panda are gone.
Toge nudges Yuuta's shoulder and nods ahead. "[Shall we?]"
"Yes." There are still a lot of preparations to make, so they don't have time to idle. The two of them start down the corridor on the right toward the way they'd entered, but the absence of their third makes Yuuta pause and look over his shoulder. "Maki-san?"
Maki shakes her head. "I've got a couple errands to run, but I'll meet you back on campus later. If there's another meeting, tell them not to wait on me."
"All right."
"And Yuuta," Maki says as she turns toward the other entrance, "don't lose yourself." Yuuta watches her retreating back for a moment, his resolve solidifying anew.
"I won't," he says quietly. He has faith in that, too.
(...he just wonders if it's enough this time.)