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Stan stepped into the diner with a shudder, dusting snow off of his jacket as he took a seat at a random booth, his bloodshot eyes lazily glancing over the menu despite him already knowing what he wanted to eat. He'd been driving for... Hell, he wasn't ever sure. He'd been driving for a long time, though, and he was exhausted. He couldn't stay long, though, since he was technically banned from Colorado. Thanks, Jorge...
"Hey, what can I get for you?" The waitress, a young girl, asked.
"Bacon and eggs, sunny side. And coffee with cream and sugar on the side. Thanks."
"Sure, I'll bring that right out." She said, turning away. Stan sighed, leaning back into the booth and closing his eyes. If he could get even just a few minutes of shut-eye, he'd be able to make it out of the state no problem–
"What are you doing at my booth?"
Stan sat up quickly and came face-to-face with a man sitting across from him, staring him up and down with wide eyes. The guy was middle-aged with short blond hair, his lips pursed and his expression a mix between confused and calculating.
"Uh–"
"If it is because you saw my pie then I am afraid you have no dice. Get your own slice from over there." The man pointed at the counter. Stan blinked.
"I don't want your pie. I didn't know you were sitting here, no one was here when I walked in."
"I went to the bathroom to relieve myself." The man said, tilting his head, and ok, what the fuck was up with this guy?
"Who are you?" Stan asked.
"I am Harry Vanderspeigle, the town doctor."
This guy was a doctor? Yikes. Stan made a mental note to never get sick or injured in this town. Harry had already turned his attention back toward his slice of pie, scooping a piece of it up and... dipping it in a bowl of oatmeal. What the hell? Stan grimaced as he watched the man stuff the spoon into his mouth. Seriously, who ate pie mixed with runny oatmeal? Then again, Stan's been hungry enough to eat a three day old taco that he found in his trunk, so he really couldn't judge.
"Here's your food," The waitress said, setting down Stan's order in front of him. "How's the pie, doc?"
"F'ntashic." Harry said with a full mouth.
"Right. Enjoy." She said, nodding at Stan. Stan nodded before digging into his own food, groaning at the taste of something hot and fresh. It'd been weeks since he'd had eggs, and even longer since he'd had crispy bacon.
"You are a very loud chewer." Harry interrupted. Stan swallowed.
"Yeah, well, not everyone is on a soft food only diet, grandpa."
Harry spluttered. "I am not a grandpa! I am still in the middle stages of my human lifecycle! And I am not restricted to soft foods, I ate chips an hour ago, so ha!"
Who talks like that? "I was joking." Stan muttered, taking another bite of his food. Harry wrinkled his nose.
"That was not a joke. All you did was tell a lie."
"Yeah? Tell a better one." Stan said, taking a swig of coffee. Harry looked like his brain was loading, a sort of constipated look on his face.
"Ah! I've got one– Why did the chicken cross the road?"
Oh Moses... "I dunno. Why?"
"It didn't! It was run over by a semi-truck and died! Ahaha!" Harry laughed, smiling like he'd never smiled a day in his life. What was this guy, a robot?
"That's not a funny joke."
Harry frowned, looking offended. He thought again for a moment.
"Why do cows wear bells?" Harry asked.
"...I don't know."
"Because their horns do not work! Haha!"
...Tch. Stan grinned, chuckling into his mug. "Alright, that's pretty good."
"Yes, I know. I am very funny. I have one more."
Stan pushed his empty plate away. "Alright, hit me."
"Why did the man get angry?"
Stan frowned. "I don't know. Why?"
"Because he had to pay for all the food." Harry grinned, getting up from the table stiffly. Stan blinked.
"Wait. Wait!"
"This man will be paying, Jay!" Harry yelled, running away at an awkward shuffle. Shit!
"Hey! Get back here!" Stan yelled, watching as the man left the diner laughing madly. The waitress, Jay, snorted.
"Yeah, I saw that coming. So, you gonna pay up?"
"Ah, yeah... Can I use your bathroom first?"
"No offense, but... No." She smiled, wiggling the fingers in her outstretched hand. "$30 for Dr. Vanderspeigle's pie and your breakfast."
Stan grumbled, pulling a crumpled $20 and a $10 from his pocket and handing it to her.
"Thanks. Be safe out there." She said, waving. Yeah yeah...
Stan left the diner, huffing though his nose. He didn't want to spend much longer in this town, but he could spare a few minutes to pickpocket a doctor really quick.
"This is some bullshit..." He grumbled as he walked up the road.