Chapter Text
Over the last millennia, Mu Qing could never hate his crown prince. Although at times Xie Lian may have felt different. Mu Qing always felt bad for what he had to do, and the choices he made haunted him, there were no good options at that time, he just had to pick one path and live with it.
But that was his Crown Prince, his Dian Xia. When it came to Feng Xin, his relationship to Mu Qing wasn’t just one of unlucky circumstance, of being stuck between a rock and a hard place. They were opposite in so many ways, yet the same in all the others. They didn’t mesh, only collided off of each other, but that made each of them so strangely drawn to the other. Not that it ever brought any good. But that hurt… it was comfort, it was all they had known.
So while it might not have surprised him, it still annoyed Mu Qing when he heard the other southern god’s voice call out from behind him, “Mu Qing! Did you hear?”
Mu Qing turned to face Feng Xin, the two stood right in the center of the Avenue of Divine Might. Mu Qing watched as Feng Xin jogged towards him, perfectly tailored robes flattering the other as he ran. “Hear what?”
“Dian Xia’s honeymoon, he and Hua Cheng left two nights ago.” Feng Xin said, finally catching up to Mu Qing, stopping a little to close to the other for someone panting to catch their breath.
“Yeah, I heard. What of it?” Mu Qing said, taking a step back from Feng Xin, the smell of sweat from running in the summer sun intoxicating.
“They’re gonna be gone for two months or something like that. A long fucking time.” The other staring bullets into Mu Qing’s head, his big brown eyes making Mu Qing so conscious. Of the stray strand of hair he had to brush from his face, of the improperly tucked pleat in his robe he had to fix.
“Yeah… Hua Cheng’s doing. Ghost sightings have already gone up with him gone even just two nights ago.” Mu Qing said, trying not to stare directly at Feng Xin, trying not to let his intrusive thoughts make him look into those big brown eyes. To look at those broad shoulders.
“Yeah, it’s kinda annoying, I never thought I’d miss Hua Cheng, or want him to come back, but these ghosts are getting irritating. Why couldn’t Dian Xia set up a decoy before they went or something!” Feng Xin said with a smile and a small laugh.
“It’s not his fault you can’t handle the ghosts,” Mu Qing said, “Dian Xia isn’t to blame for your shortcomings!”
“That’s not what I was saying Mu Qing…” Feng Xin said, clearly holding back from insulting the other.
“What were you saying? Because it sounded like you were mad Dian Xia is happy now, still stuck on that boyish crush?” Mu Qing said, a proud smirk on his face. Something about riling Feng Xin up was so addictive. It was something to keep the other near him.
“Mu- What is it with you?!” Feng Xin said, his voice rising as the two drew the eyes of the other gods walking the avenue. “I say anything and it’s a problem? What is it with that huh?! And what are you on about with this, ‘boyish crush’ on Xie Lian?! It was never him!”
“What then? Why are you making a fuss out of Dian Xia’s honeymoon? Be happy for him even if he is with the devil!!” Mu Qing yelled back, hearing but not really comprehending anything Feng Xin said. Not realizing what it all meant.
“I am- What the fuck are you making this a big deal for? I was just saying meaningless things, just- trying to fucking talk!” Feng Xin yelled back, a mix of confusion, and tired understanding phasing his face.
“What are you coming up to me for? Only ever to make some issue with me! To insult or complain!” Mu Qing yelled back. Sad as it was to admit, that was the only reason Feng Xin ever spoke to him, those were the only things they ever talked about. From their childhood, to their gold hood, butting heads was their only form of communication. From young days working under Xie Lian as teenagers, to being gods, centuries old. Not a thing changed but their age.
“Just- fucking hell Mu Qing, you can’t fucking change, or…” Feng Xin’s yells quickly faded, as the rage left his face, and that tired understanding, that acceptance of things as they were covered his face. “No, just forget it. It’s not worth it, just… just take care of the ghost influx in your half.” Feng Xin turned and walked off after that, but the usual satisfied feeling Mu Qing felt when he ‘won’ an argument with that man was gone.
There was no joy, thrill of the chase, or triumph in victory. ‘Just forget it. It’s not worth it,’ made that joy gone. Feng Xin didn’t care, he didn’t engage. The man who gave Mu Qing sideways glances in every meeting, who scoffed whenever he entered the room, didn’t care.
That shouldn’t have mattered to Mu Qing, but it did. Because he cared. He was enfatuated, obsessed and intoxicated by Feng Xin. It had always been that way, and Mu Qing hated that. When he was a boy, he told himself it was just a petty rivalry between them that made him care so much, and when he was a young god he tried to convince him it was bitterness from how things ended in Xianle. But now, it was impossible not to realize what fuled his obsession. He loved Feng Xin, but calling something like this love feels so wrong. He spent all day hating Feng Xin, rolling his eyes at the other, insulting him. They fought, both physically and verbally more often than gladiators did. But when he went to sleep Mu Qing didn’t dream about Feng Xin tripping down stairs, or falling on his face in embarrassing ways. He didn’t dream that he would never see Feng Xin again, or that the other would be banished from heaven.
No, when his head hit that silk pillow, all he could dream about was Feng Xin in the good old days. When their fights were petty, not digging deep enough to leave scars. Dreams of Feng Xin along himself and Xie Lian fighting in old Xianle. Dreams of Feng Xin falling for him, tripping and Mu Qing catching him.
And that disgusted him. Why did he love someone after hating them for so long? Why would Mu Qing love someone who treated him this way for centuries? Why was he so caught in a one sided love, and why wasn’t it even working to keep the other hating him? That was the only way Feng Xin looked at Mu Qing, with decite in his eyes, with angry words on his tongue.
It had taken centuries for someone as stubborn as Mu Qing to accept something like the love he felt, but truth is immortal. Something you can hide, run from, or paint over; but not something you can change. No matter how much you hate it. But loving FengXin wasn’t Mu Qing’s biggest sin, though he always thought it was.
So standing there, on the Avenue of Divine Might, Mu Qing realized something far too late. He realized that he couldn’t love Feng Xin like this, love him through hate. He couldn’t love him through instigation, and yelling. He realized as his heart sunk in his chest, that he wouldn’t be able to take it. Living a life alone, with Feng Xin never speaking to him again… that would hurt less than hearing ‘it’s just not worth it,’ ever agin. Feng Xin never looking at him again would hurt less than seeing those big brown eyes, so full of anger, stare him down while the other screamed.
Even though Mu Qing might not have been able to run from his feelings, from the truth; he certainly could run from FengXin. With the mortal realm so overrun with ghosts, he could keep himself busy with that. He didn’t have much reason to leave his palace to begin with except for going to the mortal realm, and occasional meeting of heaven. He could avoid the sideways glances, he could avoid Feng Xin.
If he never walked down the Avenue of Divine Might on a Monday morning, he would never run into Feng Xin and have his heart damaged this way. If he didn’t attend as many meetings in the Palace of Divine Might, Mu Qing wouldn’t have to be exposed to Feng Xin, to the other staring him down. To the scoffs and the remarks.
Mu Qing could avoid what Feng Xin did to him, what his gaze did. He could stop the racing heart, to the consciousness of his looks, of how he carried himself. FengXin’s eyes always traced Mu Qing during those damned meetings, even from across the grand hall. With a look of disgust on his face, FengXin wouldn’t stop staring. What was it about Mu Qing he looked at, what was he looking for when he stared? Why would Feng Xin stare so intently, if not out of a burning hate red. Why would Feng Xin fight with Mu Qing if not for hate.
So if Feng Xin could hate Mu Qing like he was supposed to, why couldn’t Mu Qing? What was it about him that made Feng Xin so appealing, what was it in him that loved Feng Xin. And what the hell was it about Mu Qing that let something as petty as love for a man he should hate govern him.
None of it made sense to Mu Qing. There was no comfort in knowing he loved Feng Xin, because he hated that man as well. There was no comfort in knowing that Feng Xin hated him, because Mu Qing only wished that could change. He wished for the impossible upon every shooting star at night, and every night that dream could come true, but by morning it would shatter.