Archive of Our Own

Eddie kind of feels like the room is spinning. 

Buck can't possibly have said what he thinks he did. 

He's hallucinating. 

Trapped in a nightmare. 

Someone dosed the brownies again. 

Something. 

Anything really. 

This can't be happening.

Not now. 

He's supposed to have some sort of warning. 

He's supposed to have more time to get used to the idea. 

Six months. 

Buck has known Natalia for six months. 

He can't be serious. 

But he is, given the way he's looking around the room expectantly even though he just sucked the air right out of it. 

At least for Eddie. 

Someone needs to recover enough to say something soon and it needs to be Eddie. 

But he's not sure he can even get his face back to something neutral, let alone cheerful, right now. 

Even more so considering the way Hen is staring at him. 

Because he can't really breathe. 

Marrying her. 

Buck is fucking marrying her. 

He's going to throw up. 

He can't. 

But he will. 

He will because Buck is looking at him while Bobby finally starts the awkward chorus of congratulations after a glance at Eddie, his smile wavering as he waits for Eddie to say something.

But he can't. 

His tongue is too heavy and his mouth won't work.

There are no words. 

He also has no idea what his face is doing. 

He half wants to scream the q word just so that maybe the alarm will go off and maybe they will get trapped in so many emergencies he won't have to talk to Buck for the rest of the day. 

He does get saved by the bell before he has to, though, because the alarm goes off just as Buck gets passed from Chimney to Hen in hugs that even feel weird to watch. 

Hen’s even more because she just keeps looking at Eddie.

But he's not talking. 

Nope. 

He's running down to get his gear in record speed, throwing himself on the seat across from Chim and praying he's imagining how awkward the engine feels as he pretends not to hear the conversation going on around him.

Or not to feel Buck's eyes burning holes in the side of his head. 

He can't do it. 

He can't look at him. 

He can't talk to him. 

Buck's getting married. 

Buck's getting married, and he will ask Eddie to be his best man, and he will have to say yes, and he'll have to be at that altar watching Buck marry someone else. 

He's fucked. 

He's absolutely fucked. 

He's not making through it. 

He can't do it. 

He'll have to. 

But he can't.

He needs to get a grip. 

He needs to shove it back down until he's alone, but he's not sure he can anymore.

Fucking therapy and better coping skills. 

It’s not like he’s completely surprised about this development. With the way Buck talks about her, it’s not like he’s not serious about them. 

He just thought Buck would talk to someone about proposing. 

Not just do it out of nowhere. 

It kind of feels like when he asked Taylor to move in, actually. 

Not that Eddie is going to say it out loud. 

And he feels like he would be unfair anyway, Buck had worked on himself, Eddie doesn’t really believe he would panic propose to someone.

Doesn’t change the way he wants to pretend it’s not happening for as long as he can though. 

Talking to Buck would make it real. 

And he can’t do real yet. 

It’s not like he was under any illusion Buck would ever feel the same way he does.

Buck crushed that hope about five minutes after he met her. 

Maybe Eddie should’ve started preparing for this standing on that graveyard. 

Buck made his feelings pretty clear.

She’s the one who truly understands him, so Eddie never stood a chance. 

But he can’t help but feel blindsided because as much as he keeps saying he doesn’t think Buck will ever be in this with him, there’s this tiny bit of himself that keeps saying maybe he will. Eventually. If he gives him enough time. 

But well, one can’t really give someone enough time if they’re set on marrying someone else. 

Buck is marrying her. 

And Eddie refuses to cry on a call so he needs to stop thinking about it.

Be professional and all that. 

Maybe he can because Bobby seems to be on his side, pairing him with Hen on triage outside of one of the biggest fires he’s seen in a while. It’s probably just because they aren’t the only house at the scene and this is a commercial building in the middle of the day, so there are way too many people being walked out of it and even already waiting at the triage tents, so they need any and all hands they can to help there. 

Eddie is not about to complain. 

Even if Buck does frown at Bobby and then him before going off with Ravi.

Even if he feels all types of weird watching Buck run into a burning building without him. 

Even as Hen is staring at him as they walk to the tents. 

“Eddie,” she tries, once they get assigned a spot. 

He knows Hen knows. Knew what he was getting himself into when he told Karen. He was never under the impression they wouldn’t talk to each other about it. 

But he was losing his mind and needed to talk to someone about it. 

So Hen knows he’s quite helplessly in love with Buck. 

He knows she would never tell something like that to anyone unless he did first, so he’s not worried on that front. 

But he really doesn’t want to talk about it

“I’m fine, Hen,” he says, focusing on the task in front of him.

“Sure, but you can talk to me if you’re not,” she says, and he glances at her. 

“Thanks,” he says and she nods, before focusing on the patient that is being brought over to them. 

Honestly, it’s easy to get lost in the repetition of it all. 

Even if it takes a lot of him to stay focused every time Buck stops by the tent with another victim and keeps trying to catch his eye while Eddie carefully avoids him. 

Buck notices. 

Of course he does. 

But he’s not gonna call him out on it while in the middle of a call.

Especially one this big. 

So Eddie has a few hours to find what it takes to be supportive and then just be supportive. 

He’ll do it. 

Because he’s ready to do whatever it takes to keep Buck happy. 

Taking it out on him just because what Buck needs is not him would be unfair. 

It’s not Buck’s fault he can’t feel the same way. 

So he needs to suck it up and be a good friend. 

Now, sitting in the corner of the engine going back to the station for the end of shift, more than before. 

He does stall though. 

Can’t stop himself. 

As if somehow a few more minutes will magically make him okay with the idea of someone else being Buck’s forever. 

So he takes longer than necessary in the showers. 

It’s enough for the locker room to be empty by the time he steps into it. 

Not that he’s alone in there long. 

He hears Buck coming in maybe a minute after him. 

“Congratulations, man,” he says as Buck corners him as he pretends to look for something on his locker, not really looking at him, but it sounds hollow. 

You need to move on. I have. 

Eddie doesn't know why he's thinking about that now. But he feels the same way he did in his kitchen trying to pretend he could feel like a normal human again if he just made it through a couple more days while Buck kept trying to get him to stop lying. 

Buck always knows when to call bullshit on what Eddie's saying. 

Buck's going to call bullshit now. 

Eddie can see it in his eyes. 

And it's weird because Buck is never the one to pick a fight. 

But there's a fire in his gaze that leaves Eddie scared if he's truly honest. 

Maybe he won't have to make it through the wedding because it seems like everything is about to crash and burn right now. 

“What the hell?” Buck asks, voice barely contained, and Eddie knows he's probably making it worse when he decides to play dumb. 

“What?” 

“This is the first time you talked to me all day,” Buck says, and Eddie squeezes his eyes shut for a second, before closing the locker and turning to Buck.

“It's been a busy shift?” He asks and Buck rolls his eyes. 

“Oh, come on.” 

“We had no downtime, Buck, what do you want me to do?” 

“Stop ignoring me.”

“I'm not ignoring you,” Eddie tries to appease, because even though Buck's right, he doesn't want to fight. 

Buck doesn't seem to care about that desire though.

“You just won't talk to me or look at me or fucking answer when I try!”

“What are you talking about?” 

“You ignoring me to the point I need to corner you to get you to even glance my way.” 

“Buck,” he tries again to appease him, but that just gets Buck to look angrier as he rolls his eyes.

“Don't Buck me, I'm not imagining things.” 

“Can you tell me exactly what you think is happening? Because I have no idea, man,” Eddie asks, still trying to figure out a way to diffuse the situation.

“I tell everyone I'm getting married and you decide I don't exist. There, you're doing it again,” Buck complains when he glances away and he takes a deep breath forcing himself to look at him.

“I was just surprised, and then we had a shift from hell.” 

“That's not it.” 

“Then what is it?” 

“I don't know, because you're ignoring me.” 

“I'm not ignoring you.”

“I'm not blind, Eddie.”

“I'm right here, I don't understand what you want me to do,” Eddie says, patience starting to wear off as Buck keeps trying to start a fight.

“Something.”

“If you wanted a fucking party you would've had to give me more than a five-second warning,” he rolls his eyes and Buck groans.

“I don't want a party, I wanted a reaction.”

“What reaction exactly?” Eddie asks, tone probably too cold, given the way Buck tenses.

“God, why can't you just be happy for me?” 

Probably because Eddie is in love with him and watching Buck marry someone else is pretty high in the list of things he never wants to do. Not that he can say that. 

“I am happy for you,” he forces himself to say, and Buck narrows his eyes at him before shaking his head.

“You think I can't tell when you're lying to me by now? You're lying,” he says, hurt starting to slip through the anger and Eddie doesn't know what to say. 

“Buck,” he tries, trying to buy himself some time, but Buck doesn't let him.

“You're supposed to be my best friend,” he says and, well, it stings, because Eddie doesn't want him to feel like he doesn't value them. It's the one thing he keeps trying to keep intact.

“I am,” he says, as firmly as he can, but Buck's face becomes a mask of frustration. 

“Well, then you fucking suck at it!” Buck’s voice is just short of a scream, and he stumbles backward, recoiling away from him. 

Eddie thinks time actually stops for a second. 

At least it goes down to very slow motion. 

He thinks he can hear the sound of his heart shattering. 

A sharp sound of glass being thrown carelessly to the ground. 

Maybe Buck can hear it too because his eyes widen, the fight leaving his body so fast it makes Eddie dizzy. 

Or maybe he's just dizzy because he feels like Buck had just punched him and he can't breathe. 

He can't breathe as Buck mumbles his name, and he grabs his bag and walks away from the locker room. 

He's just vaguely aware of Buck trailing behind him, still saying his name in increasingly more pleading ways.

This is probably the first time he’s not tempted to cave to whatever Buck wants.

“Eddie, please, I—” he tries, grabbing his arm to stop him from continuing to move.

“Don’t,” Eddie says, yanking his arm free and interrupting whatever apology Buck was trying to say. 

He doesn't really mean how sharp it sounds, has no idea what Buck is seeing in his face, but it's enough for him to step back, let his hand drop, and stay rooted in place as Eddie continues to walk away. 

By away he means straight into Bobby's office.

“I need you to put me on B shift,” he says, sitting down on the chair after Bobby tells him to come in and he blinks at him a couple of times.

“Eddie, I know—” 

“If you don't want to put me in B shift then give me a transfer form, I'm going to a different station,” he interrupts and Bobby leans forward into his desk. 

“Okay, now, calm down, no one is transferring.”

“Cap,” Eddie tries but he shakes his head. 

“I'm putting you on B shift, for the week, we'll talk again once you had time to think.”

“Thank you,” Eddie says and Bobby nods as if he's expecting him to leave, but he stays seated.

“You want to talk about something else?” Bobby asks, carefully, and Eddie shakes his head.

“Not now,” he says, still not moving and Bobby nods.

“Okay, my door is always open, you know that.”

“Thank you.”

“Eddie, are you okay, son?” Bobby asks, the paternal tone Eddie has grown accustomed to being almost enough to break him as he presses his lips together and finally gets up.

“Not at all. But thank you, Cap, I'll see you later,” he says, walking out of the room and out to his truck, trying his hardest to keep his composure, when he hears a voice calling his name.

“Eddie,” Hen says, probably not coming as out of nowhere as he feels and he groans.

“God, just let me go home,” he complains, opening the door to the backseat and throwing his bag in.

“I just wanna see how you're doing,” she says, raising her hands and he slams the door shut.

“Oh, absolutely great, not only is he fucking marrying her, I'm a horrible friend.” 

“Eddie, he's—” she tries, and Eddie knows what she's going to say, probably something about how Buck didn't mean it, or how he's not thinking clearly, and he knows that's what's happening, but he couldn't excuse Buck saying something like that at the moment.

“I know, that doesn't change anything,” he interrupts her, opening the driver's side door, and her expression drops.

“Eddie.”

“He fucking said it, and I don't wanna deal with it, whatever, I suck, I have done nothing but love him for five years and I'm doing it wrong, so who the fuck cares about anything? I'm done.” 

***

Eddie transferred shifts. 

He transferred. 

At this point, Buck is pretty sure he's blocked. His texts stopped delivering at some point after Eddie stormed off. 

He won't even let him apologize.

Eddie hasn't avoided him this hard since… well, since never.

The last time he went more than a day without talking to Eddie, he legally couldn't.

It's honestly driving him crazy. 

So he's not really proud of what he's doing, hanging around the station parking lot to try and force Eddie to talk to him once he gets in, but he doesn't know what else to do. 

Even if when Eddie does pull up and notices Buck standing there, he simply squares his shoulders and walks right past him.

“Eddie, please,” he begs, trailing behind him, but Eddie just keeps walking.

“I don't wanna talk to you.”

“Come on, I—”

“Why do you even care, Buckley?” Eddie says as he stops walking but he doesn't turn around, “I'm not good enough to be your friend, so why don't you just stop?”

“Eddie, please, you know me, you know I didn't mean—” Buck tries, stepping around him so he can look at him, but Eddie shakes his head, eyes fixed on the bay doors behind him, as he interrupts him.

“I don't,” he says, tone sharp as avoids his eyes.

“What?” Buck mumbles, recoiling as what he might mean hits him. 

Is he saying he doesn't know him? That he thinks he meant it? 

“I don't know, I don't know what you meant, I don't know what you didn't mean, I know what you said, so I'm sparing you the trouble,” he says, too calmly, and it leaves Buck stunned.

Eddie won't look at him. 

It's a weird feeling. 

Buck can't really remember a situation where he refused to meet his eyes. 

And Eddie is not quiet with his anger. 

But Buck is not even sure he's angry. 

Because he can't read his face as Eddie keeps staring blankly at the station behind him. 

He just looks tired. 

“Eddie,” he breathes, but Eddie shakes his head. 

“I don't wanna hear it, and I'm gonna be late,” he says, walking around Buck.

And Buck stays rooted in place. 

Stays rooted in place because he doesn't know what else to do. 

***

Ignoring Buck is a lot harder than Eddie anticipated.

As dramatic as it seems, forcing himself to walk away feels like forcing himself to stop breathing or some other vital part of what keeps him alive. 

It hurts because he misses Buck viscerally. 

He honestly didn’t think it was possible to miss someone this much this fast. 

But he’s being forced to accept that maybe how much you love someone is nothing compared to how much you can miss them. 

And that he probably can’t make himself ignore Buck forever. 

Eddie knows he’ll cave if Buck keeps trying. It’s not like he was ever able to deny Buck of anything. He sure as fuck doesn’t know how to. 

It’s harder than he imagined to not just let Buck apologize and try to put this past them. 

But he can’t. Not yet. 

He would say something that would make his feelings obvious if he talked to Buck now.

Because he will want to know why Eddie was being weird about the engagement and he doesn’t know if he won’t just blurt out the truth when pressed about it. 

He’s trying to ignore it. 

He is. 

He’s trying to do his job without thinking about how hurt Buck looked at the way Eddie wouldn’t let him talk.

He’s trying to do his job without thinking that he’s stupid for not predicting the way Buck would’ve probably try to corner him. 

He kind of expected Buck to just barge into the house. 

He does have a key and knows Eddie’s routine well enough to know when he could do it and catch him there. 

Maybe doing it at the station was easier? 

Eddie doesn’t know, but he’s still trying to ignore the weight on his chest that keeps getting heavier by the second. 

He’s trying to focus. 

He is focused.

He is focused on the mechanics of rappelling the side of the road, even though he’s usually the one working the winch. 

Which is why he notices what’s happening as fast as he does. 

Not that it changes anything. 

There’s no time for reactions. 

He just feels the way the rope is losing tension, feels the splitting pain as gravity takes over and he swings, hitting the rocks covering the side of the cliff. 

And thinks about Buck as he crashes and the world goes dark. 

***

Buck is already in a weird mood, he woke up feeling off-center, well, more off-center, so to find Bobby waiting for him makes his skin crawl.

“What happened?” He asks as soon as he’s close enough, clutching the straps of his duffle.

“I had to come in to cover the end of B shift, they were answering to a call, it was a cliffside rescue, but there was an accident,” Bobby’s voice is careful, and he feels a chill creeping up his spine.

“Okay,” he frowns and Bobby seems to decide to just rip the bandaid off.

“Buck, it was Eddie,” he says, watching him carefully as he feels like his heart has actually stopped beating in his chest. 

“What?” 

“One of the ropes came loose from the winch, he dropped a few feet,” Bobby explains and he takes a deep breath trying to find his voice again.

“How much is a few feet?” 

“I don't know, he's in the hospital but he doesn't need surgery, that's all I know, they wouldn't release much information since he's responsive.”

No surgery and he’s responsive. Buck repeats that to himself trying to get his heart back to a normal rhythm.

It doesn't work.

“Which hospital?” 

“Buck.” 

“Which. Hospital?” He repeats, more insistent, and Bobby shakes his head.

“He asked not to tell you.” 

Suddenly he kind of feels like someone had just dumped a bucket of ice over his head. With the bucket.

“He—what?”

“He asked not to tell you at all.” 

“He asked you not to tell me?” 

“Yeah, he told Reynolds not to let them call you, he didn't want you to know,” he explains and Buck sighs. 

That does explain why no one called him even though he’s been Eddie’s emergency contact for a while now. 

God, did Eddie really want him removed from everything? 

Buck knows he fucked up, but he has been hoping that Eddie would calm down, let him apologize, and things could go back to normal.

But Eddie got hurt and his reaction was to make sure no one would call him. 

Ouch.

“But you're still telling me?” 

“I thought it would be better if you found out from me.”

It would’ve been better if he found out from Eddie, but it is better than finding out via locker room talk, or maybe the news. 

Was it bad enough to make the news? 

God, how bad was it?

“Can you tell me which hospital anyway then?” Buck tries, but he just shakes his head, almost as if he was expecting Buck to say that. 

“No. But I can give you the day off and tell you his truck is still in the parking lot, that he's supposed to be released in the next half hour, and I said someone would take his stuff to him so he wouldn’t have to come back here.” 

“That works.” 

He could take the truck, find out what happened, maybe finally get Eddie to just fucking talk to him. 

“Kid, he's okay,” Bobby adds, watching him carefully. 

“But he still won’t talk to me.”

Buck kind of feels like a child.

The situation is his fault, Eddie has every right to be angry at him.

But he can’t accept it. 

Losing Eddie is unacceptable. 

And he could’ve lost Eddie for real. 

While he was angry at him. 

The idea of what could’ve happened is not going to leave his mind any time soon. 

“He’ll calm down.”

“I hope you’re right, I don’t know how much more of the cold shoulder I can handle.”

“He will, he—” Bobby cuts himself and Buck frowns.

“He?” 

“Well, you’re his best friend.” 

“I’m not sure he agrees with that anymore.”

“Maybe you need to remind him he’s yours too.”

“He needs to talk to me for that to happen,” he says with a defeated sigh and Bobby gives his arm a comforting squeeze. 

“Call if any of you need anything.”

“Will do,” Buck says, with a mock salute before walking to the locker room so he can grab Eddie’s stuff and walking back to the parking lot finding the truck where it was yesterday. 

It’s not the first time he drove the truck. It’s not even the first time he drove it while alone in the cabin. 

But it feels all sorts of wrong, no matter how familiar the car or the path he’s taking is.

He barely needs to think as he moves through traffic to find himself parking outside the house. 

He can’t just wait on the truck, but he’s also not sure if he can just use his keys and wait inside. 

So he ends up settling on waiting on the porch, trying not to let his mind wander and continue to exaggerate how injured Eddie might be. 

Buck is sitting on the steps, mindlessly scrolling through his phone, leg bouncing even as he tries to stop when Reynolds' car stops in the driveway, Eddie steps out after what feels like too long but couldn't have been more than a minute, and he shoots up to take a better look at him.

It's… definitely better than all the disaster scenarios that were playing in his head even though he knew Eddie had to be somewhat okay to be released after only a few hours. 

He has his right arm in a sling, a few cuts and bruises starting to form on the side of his face and he's walking more stiffly than he would on a normal day, but there's nothing Buck would classify as life-threatening and it makes him breathe a little easier. 

Even as he watches Eddie notice the truck, frown at it until he notices him, and his whole body tense as he moves to walk around him to the door before he seems to remember his keys are in his work bag. 

Currently on Buck's shoulder. 

Buck moves quickly once he looks back at him with an annoyed huff, getting the door open and following Eddie inside like a lost puppy. 

“I brought your stuff back from the station,” he states the obvious just to say something, putting the bag away, not knowing what to do about the silence between them.

Because he can't remember the last time silence between them was this charged.

“Thanks,” Eddie mumbles, not looking at him as he looks aimlessly around the room.

“Are you—” Buck tries to ask but Eddie interrupts him, finally looking at him for more than a glance since he walked away from the locker room.

“Broken wrist, dislocated shoulder, I've had worse,” he says, trying to sound nonchalant, but wincing at the attempt of a shrug. 

“Okay, do you—” he tries to offer help, or anything, but Eddie just shakes his head.

“I'm fine, Buck.” 

“But—” 

“Thank you for bringing the truck, you can go now,” Eddie interrupts him again, looking at the door in a painfully clear dismissal. 

“Are you really this mad about me and her?” Buck says, without really thinking, and Eddie gives him a look that says are you serious? so loudly Buck thinks he can hear the words as he huffs.

“If you really think this is about her, then you don't know me at all.” 

“Eddie,” he breathes, taken aback but he seems set on how he doesn't want him here. 

“Can you just leave me alone?” The way he says it sounds almost as if he wants to stride across the room and hold the door open until Buck leaves. Maybe even let the door actually hit him on his way out. 

He doesn't move, really, but Buck doesn't know what else to do.

“Just—call me if you need anything,” he says, almost begs, and it breaks his heart a little the way Eddie almost shakes his head but catches himself, chewing on his bottom lip, before sighing and giving him a short nod that clearly meant that he wasn't going to, he just wanted Buck gone. 

So he does go. 

Walks out and up the street, pulls up his phone to call an Uber back to the station so he can get his jeep.

And tries to fight the urge to sit down on the curb and cry. 

He weirdly feels like he just got broken up with. 

Which is ridiculous. 

It’s not like that between Eddie and him. 

But the way his heart is breaking in his chest is not friendly. 

He feels like a vital piece of himself was just ripped away while pulling up at the station and getting into the Jeep and he doesn’t know what to do with it. 

Eddie sent him away. 

Buck loves him but Eddie sent him away anyway. 

Eddie didn't want him there.

Wait.

He loves him.

He loves Eddie. 

He loves Eddie? 

Is that what this feeling means? 

Oh.

Oh fuck.

Oh fuck. 

He’s an idiot. 

He’s so unbelievably stupid. 

He can’t figure out why the thought never occurred to him before but now he can’t stop thinking about it. 

And Eddie… Eddie has to feel the same, right? 

Something like this can’t be unrequited and, well, Eddie is pissed at him because he’s getting married so—

Oh fuck. 

Natalia.

Kind and beautiful Natalia he now needs to break up with. 

After impulse proposing to her a few days ago.

Oh, he’s fucked. 

He's so fucked.

How could he be this stupid? 

He doesn’t get to spiral now though. 

He needs to talk to her. 

Then get Eddie to talk to him. 

Nice and easy day.

It’s not going to be awful at all.

So he’s trying not to overthink it as he drives over to Natalia’s apartment, but also trying to figure out what to tell her. 

He’s still not sure as he knocks and fidgets with his hands waiting for her to answer.

“Oh, hey, I thought you had a shift today,” she smiles, clearly pleasantly surprised to see him. At least before she registers the look on his face. 

“We need to talk,” he says, and her face drops as she breathes out a small oh.

“Okay, come on in then,” she says, stepping back to let him in with a resigned expression like she knows what he’s going to say already.

Yeah, he’s an idiot. 

***

It doesn’t take long for Buck to be back in his car, carrying a small box of his stuff he carelessly throws into the backseat. 

He can deal with it later. 

He feels awful for what he did to her, but he also feels lighter, like things started to make sense, he just needs to go back to Eddie’s and beg until he talks to him and he’ll be okay. 

He can do that. 

To be fair, Buck is not really thinking as he jumps off his Jeep and moves up the steps to Eddie's door. Fitting the key to the lock and just going in is muscle memory. 

He just needs to see Eddie.

Now. 

He didn't stop to consider the way that Eddie still very much doesn't want to see him. 

So he does freeze when Eddie walks into the living room as he closes the door, half expecting him to just kick him out again.

But Eddie just looks at him then at the door and at the key in his hand before he sighs, moving as if to run a hand across his face, but getting caught by the sling, wincing at the movement, and Buck steps closer to him, almost instinctively, but Eddie steps backward once he gets too close. 

He didn't expect the way Eddie's expression hardens, how he stands up straighter, how his good arm moves to cradle the sling in an attempt to cross his arms. 

Or to protect himself.

Eddie thinks he needs to protect himself from Buck. 

Oh, he’s gonna throw up. 

“I thought I told you to leave me alone,” Eddie says, but he just sounds defeated.

“I love you,” Buck blurts out before he can think of something better to say, and sure, it wasn't how he wanted to say it but he needed the words to be out in the world.

Somehow that just makes Eddie look even more tense.

“You're engaged.” 

“No, I'm just an idiot,” he says and Eddie scoffs.

“Both can be true.”

“I'm not engaged anymore,” Buck says, and he shrugs in a very clear sign of dismissal.

“Okay.” 

“Can you pretend you're not mad at me for a second?” Buck begs, and Eddie gives him a disbelief look.

“What do you want from me, Buck? Because I’m not a good enough friend for you, so what are you doing?”

“I deserved that,” he mumbles, looking down, and Eddie huffs. 

“Yeah, but I didn't!” 

“Eddie,” Buck tries, but he shakes his head.

“No, okay? I needed a minute to get on board the stupidity of you wanting to marry someone you’ve known for six months, who left you before, and I didn’t deserve you accusing me of being a bad friend.”

“I didn’t get why you needed time to get on board,” Buck mumbles, voice as small as he feels under his gaze and he just looks at him like he's crazy.

“Because I’m in love with you, jackass,” Eddie snaps, breathing heavily, “and I'll admit I could've reacted better, but that doesn’t make any of the shit you said to me while you were too caught up desperately trying to convince yourself she’s the love of your life okay, so, no, I can’t pretend I’m not mad at you for a second.”

Eddie is angry, that much is obvious, but the sheer layer of hurt under it all lets Buck know that this is about more than careless words being yelled at him without thought at the station's locker room. 

How long had he been pushing the knife deeper? 

How much had he actually hurt Eddie before he chose to pull it out himself and close the door so Buck wouldn't be able to anymore? 

How much would he take if Buck hadn't started to yell at him and let him do whatever it would take to be supportive?

Would he make it through the wedding? 

Would he stand behind Buck at the altar, watching him marry someone else, never saying a word? 

Just shove his feelings down because he thought this was what would make Buck happy? 

The fucked up part is that Buck knows he would. 

Would even smile through everything too, help him with planning, and talk him down if he panicked.

Just stand there, with his feelings unknown, letting Buck push the knife in deeper and deeper until there would be nothing left of them. 

Until there was so much pain that there would be no saving them when Buck finally came to his senses. 

Not that he's sure he can save them now. 

“I’m sorry, Eddie, please, I am so sorry, you have to believe that,” Buck pleads, stepping closer to him, feeling his eyes water but Eddie just shakes his head.

“No.” 

“Eddie—” 

“I don't wanna hear it,” Eddie interrupts him, voice wavering before he clears his throat, “you're just gonna keep hurting me, so can you just leave?” 

“No,” Buck shakes his head and that seems to shock him enough for the mask of composure to slip.

“What?” Eddie mumbles, confusion replacing the hurt on his face while Buck shakes his head again.

“I'm not leaving,” he says, and Eddie frowns, staring at him in disbelief.

“It's my house.” 

“I don't care.” 

“Buck.” 

“No, okay? I love you and I'm not leaving until you believe that,” Buck says, and Eddie’s breath hitches as he tries to bring his expression back to something neutral.

“I don’t—I don’t want you here,” Eddie says, voice cracking as he looks away.

“You don’t mean that,” Buck pushes, and Eddie squeezes his eyes shut, before blinking up at him. 

“Goddamnit, Buck, you really wanna do this today?” He says, motioning vaguely with his good arm to the sling and Buck nods, a bit helplessly.

“I need to do something.”

“I don’t want you to.”

“You’re not the only one in this,” Buck argues and Eddie looks up, finally getting his expression back to something neutral.

“Well, you made how you feel about me very clear,” he says, crossing his arms as best as he can again, and Buck sighs.

“Are you not listening to me?”

“She broke up with you, I got hurt, you’re projecting,” Eddie dismisses him with a wave of his hand, and he flinches, frowning at him.

“Don’t tell me how I feel, that’s not fair.”

“Nothing about this is fair, Buck,” Eddie says, voice unstable as he blinks at him. 

“And she didn’t break up with me, I broke up with her.”

“What—Why?” Eddie asks, frowning at him like nothing Buck is saying makes sense to him. 

How stupid had he been if the idea of him breaking up with her makes Eddie look at him like he grew a second head?

“Because I can’t marry her if I’m in love with you!” Buck exclaims, and Eddie's breath catches, as he stares at him like he's trying to figure out what to do, before shaking his head.

“You couldn’t even give me the benefit of the doubt, Buck,” he says and Buck groans.

“I didn’t mean it!”

“You still said it!”

“Why can't you give me the benefit of the doubt?” He asks in return.

“Because I'm not the one who told you you're a bad friend,” Eddie says, blinking like he’s trying to stop himself from crying.

“Eddie.”

“I made my peace with you not loving me back a long time ago, but that—you were supposed to be my best friend,” he says, clearing his throat, eyes shining even though he’s still blinking rapidly to not let his tears fall.

“I needed you to tell me I was doing the right thing, I didn't know what to do when you didn't,” Buck mumbles and he sighs.

“Not pick a fight.”

“I wasn't thinking.”

“You never do!”

“I'm sorry.”

“I want to stay angry with you,” Eddie says, voice sharp, and Buck flinches.

“Why?” 

“Because it's better than the alternative,” he pauses, clearly trying to get control of his feelings, face scrunching as he squeezes his eyes shut and it’s enough for the cut on his cheek to reopen.

“Eddie.” 

“And I—” 

“Eddie, stop, you're bleeding,” Buck says, stepping closer to him as he brings his good hand to his cheek and lets out an annoyed grunt at the blood on his fingers, before turning around and walking away, but he follows as Eddie moves to the kitchen, and the nearest first aid kit, wincing with him as he moves beyond what he should have been to get it from the cabinet and places it on the table. 

“Eddie,” he watches as he tries to get it open and get what he needs one-handed, stepping closer even as he moves away from him. “Eddie,” Buck tries again, softly, gently trying to take the kit from him, but he just shakes his head, moving it again. “Damnit, Eddie, just let me help,” he says after Eddie drops the pack of gauze for the second time, and he closes his eyes with a defeated sigh, nodding slightly, and sitting down on the nearest chair.

Buck quickly steps in, pulling the first aid kit closer and coming to stand between Eddie's legs.

“This might sting,” he says, more out of habit than anything, gently shifting Eddie's head to the side by his chin so he could get a better look, but Eddie keeps his eyes closed, hand fisted where it’s resting on his thigh. 

He makes quick work of cleaning the blood around his cheek, and the cut itself, Eddie as still as a statue as he works, getting the new butterfly stitches in place. 

It's harder than he thought it would be, being this close. So he can't resist the urge to run his knuckles along the unharmed side of Eddie's face. Can't help but doing it again when he leans into his touch before he can catch himself. 

“Eddie,” he says, quietly, kneeling down in front of him, “can you look at me, please?” He asks, hand fully cupping his jaw now, and Eddie squeezes his eyes shut before blinking at him, “I'm sorry, I wasn't trying to hurt you, I would never intentionally hurt you, you know that.” 

“I don't,” Eddie mumbles but he's still leaning into his touch, as Buck lightly moves his thumb over his cheekbone.

“You do, because you know me, and I need you to believe me because I don't know how much more of you avoiding me I can handle.” 

“Buck.” 

“I love you. I'm not projecting or panicking about being alone or clinging to familiarity. I love you. I think I have for a really long time, and being without you is killing me so can you just tell me what I need to do for you to forgive me?” He asks, and Eddie studies his face, brown eyes shining as they meet his. 

“You love me?” 

“I love you,” Buck repeats, and he looks away leaning back on his chair.

“Are you—”

“Yes, I’m sure. I love you. I'm not gonna change my mind,” he interrupts, letting his hand drop to Eddie’s knee and his eyes snap to the point of contact before looking back at him.

“How can you—”

“I was being an idiot, I didn't think about how all I ever wanted has been right here the whole time. You are all I want, Eddie. You're the best friend I've ever had, and you're my partner, and I am so sorry it took me this long to figure it out. And I am so sorry I made you feel like I didn't love you. I wish I could take it back, I do, I really do, but I can't, so I need you to help me out here, and tell me what I need to do, because I'll do anything, just please stop sending me away,” Buck begs and he blinks at him a couple of times.

“You love me,” Eddie says, almost as if he's trying out the words, seeing what they feel like, leaning down to rest their foreheads together. 

“I do,” Buck's breath hitching as he waits for Eddie to move. 

“You love me,” he says again, his good hand moving to Buck's neck, his words tickling his face.

“I love you,” he agrees, and it's hard to breathe when Eddie is this close and it seems like he's moving closer. 

“You love me,” he repeats, more insistent this time, hand moving to his cheek. 

“I love—” he tries to say it again, because he's ready to say it until Eddie stops looking at him like that's unbelievable, but he doesn't get to finish. 

Because Eddie leans in to press their lips together.

It's short, barely long enough for Buck to recover from the way it sends a shock through his whole body, before Eddie pulls back, eyes widening as he looks at him, hand dropping from his face.

And he can't handle the idea of Eddie apologizing for kissing him. 

So he pulls Eddie back to him, keeps him in place with a hand in his hair, and Eddie kisses him back, lets Buck deepen the kiss, hand twisting around his shirt. 

Buck used to think about it, back when he used to sleep around, searching for connection any way he could, about how kissing the love of his life would feel like. If it would be any different. If it would go beyond what he knew. 

And he kissed people he believed he was in love with before. 

But it never felt like this before. Not even close. 

He never really got the whole the world just fell into place thing before. But he gets it now. 

Because his senses are being overtaken by Eddie. 

Not that he minds. Not at all. 

It feels like coming home. 

And it feels so good after days of trying to figure out how to find his balance again. 

But he's still acutely aware of the sling.

And the way Eddie is slowly melting into him, almost as if he can’t stop himself from trying to get closer.

And the way they still need to talk because he can't just go with the flow this time. Not with Eddie. 

So he pulls back even though every fiber of his being wants him to find a way to intertwine himself with Eddie so he'll never have to let go. 

And watches as Eddie's eyes flutter open, looking at him as if he's not sure Buck’s real.

“Eddie.” 

“Yeah?” He breathes, voice unstable as he stares at Buck.

“Can you believe me? Please? I didn’t mean it, I wasn’t trying to hurt you, I hate that I hurt you, I just didn’t know what to do.”

“I was trying to adjust to the idea of you marrying someone, to the way you were gonna ask me to be your best man and I would have to say yes because if I didn’t I would have to tell you why I couldn’t do it and you got me questioning everything,” Eddie says, a tear making its way down his cheek and Buck catches it with his thumb, gently strokes his face.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t—I didn’t know,” he says, and Eddie closes his eyes, good hand moving to hold Buck’s on his face as he leans into the touch.

“I don’t wanna be mad at you.”

“No?”

“No, that takes a lot of effort,” he chuckles, meeting his eyes, and Buck can’t help the breathless noise he makes.

“Yeah?”

“I missed you, and today sucked.”

“I almost had a heart attack when Cap told me, and then he said you didn't want to see me.”  

“But you showed up anyway,” Eddie says, as he studies his face, dropping their intertwined hands to his leg, and Buck gives him a sheepish smile. 

“You know me, I suck at following orders.”

“Are you sure about this? That this isn't some reaction—”

“Eddie, baby,” he starts but Eddie pulls back to look at him. 

“We're doing the ‘baby’ thing already?” He asks, raising an eyebrow at Buck. 

“Can you let me speak now?” He asks, giving him an unimpressed look, and Eddie nods, “Yes, you not talking to me was awful, and yes, I'm terrified of losing you, but this? I've never been more sure of anything else, this makes sense, we make sense, and I don't know how I missed it, but I'm here now, I promise,” he says and Eddie's expression softens watching him.

“Okay.”

“Okay?” 

“I love you,” Eddie says and his breath catches.

“You do?”

“You're an idiot, but I do. If you pull something like this again, I'm never talking to you again though,” he threatens but there’s no real heat in his words, so Buck just grins at him.

“That seems fair.”

“And you need to get off the floor because kneeling like this can't be good for your leg,” he adds, tugging Buck up and he huffs.

“It's fine,” he dismisses but gets up anyway. 

“You sure?” 

“Yeah. Did you pop any more stitches?” Buck asks, scanning Eddie as best as he can but he just shakes his head.

“The only cuts are on my face.” 

“And your arm?” 

“I've had worse,” he shrugs then winces and Buck gives him an unimpressed look. 

“That doesn't mean this is good,” he says and Eddie sighs.  

“I think I'm due to another dose of painkillers, but—” 

“They take you out, I remember, come on.” 

“Where?” 

“We're getting you set up for a nap.” 

“I’m not a child.”

“Just get up,” Buck says, turning around to put the first aid kit away, and Eddie huffs, but he hears the chair moving anyway.

“Buck?”

“Yeah?”

He doesn't get an answer, Eddie just closes the short distance between them moving straight into his chest and wrapping his arm around his waist, hiding his face on his neck, both hands loosely clutching the fabric of his shirt, and relaxing against him as Buck wraps his arms around him, holding him as close as he can without disturbing his arm where it's caught between them.

Buck knows he missed Eddie. 

He knows. 

He felt it down to his bones. 

Like every cell in his body was acutely aware that something was missing.

But he doesn't think he fully realized how much until right now. 

He's not sure he can let go of Eddie now.

Or any time soon.

He kind of wants to cry burying his face in his hair and squeezing him a bit closer. 

Maybe he does tear up as Eddie adjusts against him with a soft hum like he's content just being in his arms. 

Maybe more than tear up. 

“Buck?” Eddie asks, shifting in his hold, probably feeling the wetness against the side of his head, pulling back enough so Buck can't escape his gaze, “what's wrong?”

“I missed you, and damnit, you fell down a cliff and I wasn't there, and I'm an idiot and I love you so much,” he says and Eddie stares at him with an amused expression before shaking his head as Buck drops his arms to his waist. 

“You make it sound like I plummet down the whole thing, it was, like, thirty feet maybe, and I kinda just hit the side and slid all the way down,” he explains and Buck makes an offended noise.

“That's not better.”

“I'm here now, we both are,” Eddie says, gently, cupping his cheek and he closes his eyes leaning into it.

“Yeah.”

“Can you look at me, please?” He asks, waiting until Buck meets his eyes, “I love you too, we'll figure it out, we always do, don't we?” He adds and waits for Buck to nod, “now can you just hug me? Because this week was awful, let's not do this again, like, ever?” 

“Never doing this again sounds good,” he chuckles and Eddie leans his head on his shoulder, “but you really should take your meds and let me take you to bed.”

“You’re taking me to bed, huh?” He teases with a grin and Buck laughs. 

“Really?”

“Made you laugh, didn't it?” 

Eddie is smiling at him and Buck loves him a ridiculous amount.

“Yeah,” he nods, leaning in to kiss him and Eddie's breath catches as he melts into him, “now can you stop being difficult?”

“I'm not difficult,” he says, but takes Buck's hand and leads them to his bedroom anyway.

Buck is actually surprised at the way Eddie lets him set up the bed, getting pillows stacked so he won't strain his shoulder, waiting as he moves around the room after he takes his painkillers and sets the bottle back on the bedside table. 

But when he gets on the bed, he tugs at Buck's hand until Buck lays down with him. 

“This okay?” Buck asks, moving to his side and shifting closer, an arm above Eddie's head so he won't risk hurting him and Eddie shifts until they're pressed together.

“Yeah,” he breathes, closing his eyes, moving his head as if he's trying to get as close to Buck as possible without disturbing his arm.

“I'm not letting you work without me, you know that, right?” Buck says, leaning his head on his and he huffs without opening his eyes. 

“There was nothing you could've done.”

“Still.” 

“It all happened too fast, you being there wouldn't change anything.”

“I don't care.”

“The rope came loose, Buck, it was the machine's fault, what were you gonna do, dive in and grab it yourself?” 

“If I had to,” he says and Eddie moves, opening his eyes so he can look at him.

“You would, wouldn't you?” He asks, expression softening as he studies his face and Buck's not sure what he finds but he settles back closer to him, “I'm fine.”

“We'll talk when that cast is off,” Buck teases, tapping Eddie's fingers and he laughs.

“Okay,” he chuckles, closing his eyes.

“Now sleep,” Buck says, moving so he can run his fingers through his hair and Eddie makes a happy little noise as he melts into his touch, “I love you,” he adds, pressing his lips to Eddie's temple as he's breathing starts to even out. 

“I really hope this isn't a dream,” Eddie mumbles, fingers loosely grabbing at his hand when he places it on his chest as he drifts and he's asleep before Buck can think of how to answer. 

***

Eddie is foggy in the way only painkillers can get him as he slowly drifts back into consciousness. He needs to get up, Chris is probably going to be home soon and he can't let the kid think the accident was worse than it is. 

Because he's fine. Showering will be a bitch for a while, but he's fine. 

But he wants to stay in the fog a little bit longer. 

The fog doesn't have broken bones and the love of his life in love with someone else. 

The fog has the dream where Buck loves him. 

In the fog, he fell asleep with Buck's fingers running through his hair and he can still feel it. 

So he wants to stay in the fog. 

Wait. 

He can still feel it. 

The warmth against his side. Gently moving through his hair. 

Was that not a dream? 

Okay, so he really went to work still fighting to ignore the best friend he's helplessly in love with because he's engaged, fell down the side of a cliff, kicked the previously mentioned best friend out and then he showed up to tell him he's in love with him?

Well, the day has taken so many turns, Eddie is getting motion sickness.

Or maybe it is just the meds. 

He wants to sink into the bed though. 

Moving hurts and he's just tired enough to fall back asleep. 

And if Buck is here, he can.

He just needs to move closer to Buck's chest and let the sleep take over. 

Even as Buck laughs softly, fingers never stopping on his hair as he places his other hand on Eddie's chest and he grabs at it as best as he can with the cast in his hand, fingers wrapping loosely around his wrist as Buck presses his lips against the side of his head and says his name quietly. 

It makes him melt. Just a little. 

So he blinks his eyes open, smiling when he finds his favorite shade of blue looking back at him.

“Hi.”

“Chris is gonna be home soon, I didn't know what you would want to tell him, or about, you know,” Buck trails off with a shrug, tone soft. 

“You being in my bed?”

“Yeah,” he nods and Eddie rubs his eyes before moving so he can look at Buck properly. 

“What do you want?” 

“What? Me?”

“Well, yeah, you were engaged to someone else, how do you want to play this?” Eddie asks and he studies his face for a beat.

“I think we need time to figure things out, without everyone's input,” Buck says carefully, and he nods.

“Agreed.” 

“But I don't wanna hide from Chris.”

“So you're okay with us talking to Chris once he gets home, but you wanna keep this between us for a while before telling everyone who will have an opinion?” Eddie says, and he nods. 

“We have to tell Bobby before you get back to work though, on our shift,” Buck says and he chuckles. 

“That's at least 6 weeks away,” Eddie says, raising his hand as if to remind him that he's going to be out until the cast comes off. 

“Okay.” 

“So, that's settled,” he says, sinking back into his pillow and Buck laughs, fingers finding his hair again.

“You wanna go back to sleep, don't you?” 

“Actually, now that I'm awake, I'm kinda hungry.”

“Food, I can make you food,” Buck says, moving around to get out of the bed without disturbing Eddie much and he can't help the amusement watching the way he's moving. 

Eddie really missed him. 

Eddie really loves him. 

And by some miracle, Buck loves him too. 

“Buck,” Eddie calls, pushing himself off the bed too and he looks back at him, looking startled as he waits for him to say something else.

He doesn't, though. 

Eddie just walks up to him, good hand moving to his cheek before kissing him. 

It feels a bit surreal, if he's completely honest.

He didn't think he would ever get to kiss Buck just because he feels like it. 

Well, he thought about kissing Buck. Probably more than he should. 

Definitely more than he should.

But he never thought he would get to do it. 

It's nothing like he thought it would be though.

It settles something in him he can't quite name. 

And it's better than anything he could've imagined.

His brain couldn't come up with the way Buck smiles into his lips, the feeling of his hands pulling him closer as he deepens the kiss. 

He almost feels dizzy with it.

“What was that for?” Buck asks, sounding a bit breathless, pressing their foreheads together, arms wrapping around his waist and he smiles. 

“I like doing that.” 

“Yeah?” Buck hums, kissing him again, and he kind of just wants to stay there as he nods and lets himself be kissed. Buck seems to have different plans though, because he pulls back way too soon, “you need food, though, come on.”

Eddie does steal another kiss before letting Buck guide him to the kitchen, heart swelling at the careful way he maneuvers himself around his injured arm, hand gentle on his back, almost like he just wants to keep the point of contact, before getting Eddie settled on a chair, fingers absentmindedly adjusting the strap of his sling before he turns around to the fridge looking around for whatever he wants to make.

It makes him smile at the easy way Buck moves around his kitchen. 

“Is the fussing an I got hurt thing or a boyfriend thing?” Eddie laughs before freezing when Buck's head snaps back to look at him. That's right, they haven't discussed labels. Sure, there were I love you’s and they're currently waiting to talk about this with their son but, well, maybe he can blame it on the painkillers? Fake a concussion? Anything to get the look of shock out of Buck's face, really, “I—”

“No, no, don't take it back,” Buck says, stepping closer to him, kneeling in front of him, and gently taking his face in his hands, “boyfriend is great, awesome, really.”

“Yeah?”

“I love you, of course, boyfriend sounds really nice,” Buck says, kissing him between each word, “and that's definitely a boyfriend thing, sorry.”

“Not complaining,” he laughs, dropping back against the chair and Buck's hands drop to his knees.

“No?” 

“No, I love you too, why would I complain?” 

“Maybe you don't like it, or it's too—”

“You're never gonna be too much, baby,” Eddie interrupts him, leaning closer to him, hand moving to cup his face. 

“You sure?” 

“You're acting like I don't know you already,” he says, thumb stroking his cheek, and Buck turns his face to kiss his palm. 

“I really missed you.” 

“I know, me too,” Eddie says, leaning their foreheads together.

“I know you don't want me to keep apologizing—” 

“Buck,” he interrupts when Buck pulls back to look at him after a beat. 

“Just let me say this? I never thought of you as a bad—I was freaking out and you didn't react the way I wanted you to, it wasn't about you, you always make me feel cared for, I never doubted that you care about me, I need you to know that. I really didn't mean it and you never made me feel that way, it was just me, getting in my own head and doing shit without thinking, and I am sorry that I said that, and I am sorry I let you think I believe you're a bad friend when you're one of the best people in my life, you've always been one of the best people in my life,” he says, expression unguarded as he watches him. 

“I forgave you already.” 

“But I needed to say it again.” 

“You're my favorite person, that didn't change because we had a fight,” Eddie says, and Buck grins at him. 

“I'm your favorite person?” He says, and Eddie nods, before fake contemplating for a second.

“After Chris,” he chuckles and Buck nods, clearly holding back a laugh. 

“I can live with that.” 

“Now, weren't you going to make me food?” 

“Right,” Buck shakes his head, standing up again, and Eddie tugs at his hand, lifting his chin, silently asking for a kiss and he smiles, leaning down to kiss him. 

And sure, this is just one of many conversations they need to have, and there are things to work through and figure out. 

But Buck loves him and he’s kissing him in his kitchen and the world feels right for the first time in days. 

So it's hard for Eddie to worry about anything else. 

They'll figure it out. 

They always do.