Archive of Our Own

"I'll be right back, Sei, I have to take this call."

It's what Reo says as he stands from his place on the couch, and Seishiro pauses the movie that they had been watching together. He barely tilts his head back, watching as his husband leaves to their shared bedroom; his eyes habitually follow after wherever Reo goes when Seishiro isn't tagging along by his side. He didn't need to trail after Reo, there was nothing to be curious about when he already knows who exactly is calling Reo and over what business. She had been calling excessively over these past few months anyways.

Seishiro faces the paused screen of their TV again,  fidgeting with his fingers, specifically how clean they looked since Reo had taken them out to get manicures the other day. It's become a new tradition they picked up: manicures. They're a bit too fancy for Seishiro's taste, he's never gotten his nails professionally done before. It's nice, that's for sure, but he's also starting to suspect that they're doing this now because Reo hasn't had the energy to fret over Seishiro's nails himself, which is what he's done for the few years they've been married. They were supposed to go on an outdoors date today too, but Reo changed his mind to instead watch a movie at home. Seishiro didn't mind, but what he did was Reo's growing more stressed these days, and it's not only the caller's fault, but Seishiro's, too. He feels guilty, of course, but... 

"Hey, I'm back," Reo softly calls out as he sits back next to Seishiro, which startles him just a bit. Reo notices, he always does, leaning a bit more forward towards him with a slight pinch of concern at his face. "You seem lost in thought, Sei. You didn't even pull out your phone while you were waiting?" Reo sighs. "You don't have to worry over this, you know that, right? I'm handling her just fine—"

"But, Reo..." Seishiro starts, but he's unsure how to continue from there, so he says nothing else.

"Sei," Reo says back, reaching a hand forward to lay on top of Seishiro's, which he didn't even know was clutching onto his knee, the cloth of his pants bunching up there. "You trust me, right?"

Seishiro pouts at that. "That's not fair, you know I trust you. Always. But—"

"But nothing," Reo cuts him off, interlocking their fingers and offering him a small, reassuring smile. "You trust me, so leave it at that. My mom can't rush us, and she won't. We'll take our time."

Seishiro can tell Reo leaves out the rest. "We'll take our time until you're ready." His chest tightens at that, and it's too uncomfortable. He's no longer a teenager, he's already turned twenty-four this year, and yet he still can't recognize complicated emotions easily. He wishes that he could tell Reo why he's feeling like this, and that maybe Reo could explain what it all means to him, so he can feel better after. Then, they could even fix this, and Reo's mama wouldn't be so pushy anymore.

"...I'm trying," Seishiro instead says, but not even he is sure what he means by that. It's the sentiment that matters, he supposes, and he can tell Reo appreciates it from how he beams.

"That's all I can ask for," Reo chirps out. "We're only twenty-four, and my parents were thirty-two! They— my mom especially— shouldn't be pressuring us like this, so ignore them!"

Seishiro decides to not mention how his own parents were eighteen. It didn't feel right in the moment.

Reo notes Seishiro's silence, reaching his other hand out to cup his cheek and have him refocus onto Reo, which he does. "...Sei, you think I haven't noticed that "Book for Dummies" book you bought and snuck into our bookcase by shelving it the wrong way?"

He flushes at that, his face heating up a dusty shade of red, because he didn't think Reo noticed that. He thought putting it in pages-facing-out was a clever idea, but he supposes with Reo's tidiness, of course he would've noticed and instinctively fixed it up.

As Seishiro colors red, Reo can't help but breathily giggle. "So you did think that. Well, I did, and pretty quickly, too, at that." Gently, slowly, Reo raises their interlocked hands, pressing Seishiro's finger to his lips and delicately kissing the ring that's worn there. "Sei, the way you care so much more than you let on, I love that side of you. I know how you think, how you consider worrying such a hassle, and yet it's all you do in that head of yours. I know you need time, and it's all you have, okay? I want you to feel ready when you're, well... ready. Being ready and feeling ready are two different things, after all."

Seishiro falters at those words, because despite the love that Reo conveys to him, all that sticks out to him is the fact that Reo is ready and he is not. "Reo..." he quietly murmurs, softer than a whisper, as if he didn't want to be heard at all. "...What if I never feel ready?"

It's so much easier when all Seishiro has in his life is Reo. It's simple, easy, and so natural to Seishiro. His mind is constantly full of the other boy, after all, so his ideal life being just the two of them for eternity sounded just as that: ideal. Whatever he felt with Reo whenever there was a standout moment, he could recognize. Love, close to every second he spent by Reo's side, happiness, and on rare occasions, sadness and frustration. They were simple, because life with Reo is simple, it's perfect just as is.

Now, Seishiro hasn't been scared of a lot, if not anything, during his life. It still didn't feel like the right word, but it was the closest he could get to. He's scared that he can't spare his attention, energy, effort, and most importantly, love for someone else, someone new, someone who isn't Reo. What if instinctively, he chooses to run? He can understand now, what his own parents felt, even though he was young, heartbroken, and so lonely back then. He didn't even know it was loneliness because he grew so used to experiencing it, he only noticed because it was odd to feel without it.

As a child, he considered most everything to be a hassle, because if his parents didn't want to spare any effort caring for him, why should he care for himself? It must be optional. He only had to care when it became dangerous to keep ignoring such humane needs. Perhaps, even more, if he were to become such a child that never asked for anything or caused stress, he'd be easier to look after, easier to stay around. He could make himself a child who wasn't a hassle, he could try. He never succeeded, though, so all he ever considered himself was a hassle, someone to run away from.

Then there was Reo, his Reo who practically saved his— it wasn't even his life, his borderline survival then turned that into his life. He hadn't realized how desperately he internally yearned to be spoiled until it was given to him without any complaint. Seishiro wasn't a hassle to be around, Reo enjoyed his company, even. Seishiro loves Reo. He doesn't care if it's selfish to admit, he wouldn't want to share Reo, as childish as it was. 

This is when his mind twists in such ways that he'd just stop thinking altogether and distract himself with his phone. Seishiro doesn't want to share Reo's love, because he'd convinced himself beforehand that he and Reo were going to stay in love forever alone, lost in their own world. If anything were to threaten that imagery of his, he might just take Reo and run. Travel somewhere else, even if just temporarily, to remind himself that they're not going to have a falling off. They're devoted to each other for life. They wouldn't ever consider a point in time between them as a "break-up", not in their future.

But, then again, he knows what it's like to be the third party that gets left behind. He also knows how badly Reo wants more, even without his mama and papa's pestering. He's alone in his own whirlwind of worries, and he feels, but he isn't sure what. Is he a bad person for imagining himself as what hurt him most, a negligent parent?

Seishiro snaps back to reality when Reo murmurs back, "I'll be there." He blinks, and Reo's there, just as he says. It's small, all he's doing is sitting on a couch next to Seishiro, and yet he feels breathless at the fact that he's here. "You're not alone, Sei, you don't have to read "Parenting for Dummies" alone, let's read it together. Let's look at everything together, we'll study like we're back in our Hakuho days, right? We're the number one and two top rank students, this is nothing to us." Reo slightly tilts his head to the side, and he shows Seishiro a dazzling smile, which inclines him to believe whatever it was he was saying. "It's not that you'll never be ready, it's that you yourself need to accept that small steps are progress no matter how small they seem. I'll be with you every step of the way, too."

Now, Seishiro's smiled a few times in his life, and laughed for less. And, whatmore, he's only cried twice. Never once during his childhood, instead, his first was on his wedding day with Reo. The venue had actually been entirely decorated by Reo's ideas and imagery, as he'd been planning it for months beforehand. Their suits had been gorgeous, expensive, and again, all chosen by Reo. Seishiro had cried right after Reo sweetly said, "I do," at the altar, the tears had just escaped him then. He never felt so loved before, it was a bit hard to swallow, both metaphorically and literally, he was trying to swallow down his sobs to choke out his own "I do."

The second time he's ever cried is now.

"Oh, Sei," Reo whispers as he watches the other boy's eyes gloss over with fresh tears, a single one running down his cheek and into Reo's palm that was still cupped to his face. Reo leans in to kiss the wet trail it left behind, saying against his skin, "don't tell me you forgot that you can tell me anything, that I'll be here for you no matter what?"

It was hard for Seishiro to speak, his throat's clogging up just as it did when he cried during his vows. He weakly shakes his head and chokes out, "didn't forget. Never."

"Then what?" Reo softly questions, his eyebrows were creased and eyes glistening with obvious worry, but he still shows Seishiro a healing smile. "You're holding something in, my Treasure. Let's figure it out together, that's what we always try to do, right?"

Seishiro nods his head in a small manner, knowing Reo's right. He just didn't know where to start, so he starts with his simplest problem. "I won't be a good papa, Reo." His words shake and tears still slipped past him, but he wasn't caught in a sob any longer.

"Do you know why you feel that way?" Reo asks, clearly trying to keep himself sounding calm and composed for Seishiro's sake. Reo's other hand raises to cup the other side of Seishiro's face, using his thumbs to swipe away any stray tears. "Everyone feels like that, Sei, trust me, I do, too. You feel it on a deeper level though, don't you?"

His lower lip trembles, because Reo doesn't know, and yet he also knows so much. He can read Seishiro faster than he can read himself, from all the years they've spent together as partners to husbands. He decides to stop worrying over explaining himself to Reo, because now that he was thinking about it, when did he ever need to to his lover? "I don't know if I can love them right," he murmurs, sounding ashamed. "I don't know if I can handle you loving them more than me, either." It didn't make sense to Seishiro, which frustrates him, but he isn't trying to make sense here and now, he just wants to be heard.

Reo takes a moment to himself, processing Seishiro's concerns as he continues to delicately caress the boy's skin and admire the features on his face. Despite everything, a genuine smile tugs at his lips again. "Sei, can I ask you something?"

Seishiro pauses, because out of everything he thought Reo could respond with, that expression with that question wasn't one of them. He didn't even scold Seishiro for being such a hassle? "Mm. What is it?"

"Who do you love more, Choki or me?"

At that, Seishiro owlishly blinks once, then twice. "What? I can't pick, I love you both. I mean... I love Reo a lot, but that doesn't mean I love Choki less. Reo knows that."

"Yeah? Then what about Guu or me?" Reo continues to question, his smile turning more playful now as he asks about the second cactus they adopted. Just as Choki was named after "scissors" in "rock-paper-scissors," Guu was named after "rock" for his round and stubby nature.

"My answer is the same, Reo."

"Paa or me?" Their third adoptee, "paper", for its almost rectangular shape.

"Reo..." Seishiro says with a slight pout.

"Do you see now, Sei?" Reo finally stops teasing him as he softly snickers, looking up to Seishiro with more adoration than worry now. "Your love for me didn't split as if it were a specific sum amount. You don't hold ranks in your heart."

Seishiro, for once, gets the hint to Reo's words and example, his breath slightly hitching as he truly intakes it. It almost feels obvious now when it's put to his own perceptive, it's like he were worrying about where he'd placed his phone while searching with the flashlight from that phone. He feels a bit embarrassed now, but mainly enamored with how easily Reo helps him sort through his own worries and troublesome, confusing emotions. Though, his heart slightly aches, because it doesn't take long for him to realize why he thought that way in the first place. After all, if love wasn't divided, how come his parents spared none for him?

Taking Seishiro's silence as his acceptance, Reo continues. "And, Sei, I don't expect you to be the perfect dad, I doubt even I will be the perfect dad." Reo leans in to press his forehead against Seishiro's, to get him out of his mind again. "Parenthood isn't a skill, it's not something you can naturally be talented at. While, of course, there are wrong ways to show love, there's also no predetermined way to show "correct" love. But, it'll come naturally as we grow, because we'll be learning and we'll do it together. We have time before anything real, too. Like I said, we'll read your book together, won't we?"

Seishiro sniffles and nods his head. Trying what Reo's shown him earlier, he puts it into his own perspective. Loving Reo wasn't immediate, but it came naturally. Never before had he worried about loving Reo in a wrong or right way, all he did was simply love Reo and let that be known. And, of course, he's never thought that Reo loved him in a right or wrong way neither, he simply loved Seishiro, too.

Reo softly hums when Seishiro nods, already knowing that despite his silence, he was taking every word from Reo to heart and keeping them there. So, he leans in to peck at Seishiro's lips with a smile, before placing another to the corner of his lips. "I love you, Seishiro, my Sei," he whispers with another peck. "And I know you'll love our new family member, whenever that'll be, so don't feel so helpless. You'll be an amazing papa."

He can't help how his breath stutters, Seishiro wants to cry again at just how genuine Reo spoke to him, but he holds back. "You too, Reo," he whispers back. "I love you. And... I think..." he sniffles, "...that it'd be impossible for me to not love a baby that was yours. ...I love everything that's you."

They had a talk about this before, even as awkward as Seishiro was back then, since he'd been so burdened with anxieties he couldn't even untangle. Reo's parents, Reo himself, and Seishiro especially wanted their first surrogacy to be Reo's. Reo's parents because they wanted their eldest to be the Mikage heir with Mikage blood, which Reo took offense to on Seishiro's behalf, but he didn't mind; if anything, he understood. Reo and Seishiro were close to being the same reason, they both knew it'd be a heavy ask on Seishiro's behalf, for their first surrogacy to be his own. Still, with all that in mind, Reo and Seishiro will always consider their first as just a baby, a child, as theirs, not solely as an heir or a means to an end. 

They'd even gotten an arrangement, which Reo mentions with a small tease to his tone. "I'll take my sweet time finding the perfect surrogate for us, and you will be looking for a name during that time, right? And, no, it can't be anything related to rock-paper-scissors." Their agreement had been that Reo will be the surrogate's father, but Seishiro will be the one who chooses the name.

Seishiro slightly pouts at that. "I wasn't thinking about that," he says, which is honest, he wasn't thinking about that idea anymore, even if it had been his first thought. He then glances away, looking more nervous now. "...Do you think your parents would be okay with an English name...?"

Reo straightens up at that, his eyes starting to glisten with excitement. "You already thought of some?" He asks, barely containing his glee, a toothily smile and pink flush to his expression. Seishiro had been so worried, and yet he already had names in mind, but Reo doesn't bring it up even if it is in praise. "I already told you, Sei, my parents don't get that much say in our lives, like when we do and how we name. I want to hear your ideas."

Seeing how excited Reo had gotten, Seishiro almost shies away. "It... It was just one, and it's for a girl. I always liked it even when I was younger, so... I had this name in mind." He clears his throat then, looking back to Reo, who subconsciously wipes at Seishiro's dried tear trails now that he's putting all of his attention back onto him. "I like Clementine. It's like the fruit, and I always liked citrus, especially lemon. I think it sounds pretty, too." He chooses to leave out the part where some of his favorite fictional medias had characters named Clementine, too.

The two of them had excellent grades for their English classes in Hakuho, so the name slides off their tongues easily. "Clementine," Reo steadily repeats, smiling softly. It was such a vast difference between that and Choki, Guu, Paa, and their other plant names that Seishiro had personally chosen. "I like it, I really do," Reo honestly says, his voice slightly raising with anticipatory glee. "I hope we have a girl now, though you should also consider boy names, too."

Seishiro nods at that, looking bashful that Reo had accepted the name he'd chosen so easily. A small smile tugs at his lips, not enough to be considered as one, but enough for Reo to notice and swoon at.

After a small moment of silence, Reo softly continues with, "Don't think this is me rushing or pressuring you, Sei, but since both you and I grew up lonely and as single children... I would be very happy if we considered two children, just an idea to put out in the air." He speaks slowly, cautiously, wanting to test the waters for what his ideal family looked like to Seishiro. He still has yet to mention he wants dogs, too, but that he pictures that much farther into the future for them.

At this, though, Seishiro tenses a bit, reaching a hand up to cover Reo's own that he still has against his face, interlocking their fingers. "Two..." He repeats the word as if were a brand new one to him, almost as if he were mulling over the meaning to it in his head. "...They'd have to be at least three years apart, right...?" He hesitantly whispers back, and Reo could tell how he's looking pale at the idea of two newborn babies at once.

That's more than enough for Reo, though, because at least Seishiro was considering the thought of it, he could work with that. "Of course," he nods his head, feeling his entire body warm up with adoration, because even consideration alone was a successful step towards progress with Seishiro. "That's a reasonable idea, I totally get it, that'll be our plan. I'd like for them to be at least three years apart, too, but no more than five, I'd say." He then falters, wanting to ask his next question, but he also doesn't want to pile Seishiro with too many ideas at once, lest he shut down entirely. Still, he practically needs to ask before the topic at hand could move on. "...And... do you think by then... you'd be okay being the second surrogacy's father?"

Seishiro doesn't outwardly express anything, not a flicker of change in his expression and he stays silent, simply stuck in place as he imagines such a situation. What he said earlier, about being able to love anything that's Reo's, he meant that with his full heart, but the opposite also rang true. It's not that Seishiro ever considered himself ugly or unattractive, but the idea of someone else inheriting his sickly white hair, eyes larger than most, and how his teeth were slightly crooked, he feels almost guilty in a way. 

And, on the other hand, what if the child ended up looking like his parents, who didn't even spare the time to attend Seishiro and Reo's wedding? Even after all Reo went through to convince Seishiro to invite them in the first place, he never received anything back from them, not even an unattending notice. What if they skipped Seishiro's generation and instead had his papa's black hair or even his mama's blue eyes? Seishiro didn't know which idea made him feel most uncomfortable, the child looking like him or his parents.

"Reo..." he hesitantly starts, "...I... I can try to be a good papa, but I don't think I could be their real papa..."

"Seishiro," he immediately says back, and the usage of Seishiro's full name has him instinctively straighten up from his crouching sitting position, knowing Reo's scolding tone. "No matter what, you will be their real father, I hope you realize that." He speaks without a waver to his words, and Seishiro can't help but take them as truth in the moment.

Then, Seishiro slightly deflates, realizing how badly his word choice could be taken. "...Sorry, I didn't mean it like that..." he murmurs. "I just mean... I don't know if I'd want that. I think Reo will always be the better option. You're pretty and naturally talented at everything. You're like... supernatural with how perfect you are." He glances to the purple boy with his signature pouty stare and whiney voice, something he'd only pull when he wanted Reo to give into something.

But with the way Reo sighs, he can already tell it won't work here. "Don't try and flatter me to avoid saying what you really want to," he huffs out, using his hand that wasn't interlaced with Seishiro's to gently pinch at his cheek.

"I do mean it, Reo is really pretty and multitalented," Seishiro whines at the pinch and tone that Reo held.

Reo doesn't sway, though his frown slightly twitches, clearly a bit flustered over Seishiro's slip of honesty into his pouting. "Still, I want your real reason. What did we just talk about, huh? About telling each other what we worry about instead of holding it in?"

Seishiro, finally accepting that Reo won't allow his previous answer, goes back to his usual blank expression. He quietly takes in a deep breath, holds it, then slowly lets it out to cool his nerves. "I just mean that I'm not what Reo is," he murmurs, close to a whisper. "I'm not pretty like Reo, I don't have nearly as much natural skills as Reo, and I'm a hassle."

"Hey, I told you I can handle you just fine, didn't I?" Reo interjects, his brows furrowing together. "You're not a hassle, you're perfect just as you are. You should know this, but I'll keep telling you in case you forget, always." His tone eases up as he continues. "And you don't have to concern yourself over what you "give" the child, Sei, that's not what having a family is about. Besides that point, you are instinctively good at as many things as I am, I just put in the effort to practice more and actually harness those natural abilities into honed skills. And—" Reo pauses for just a second, though, as a small memory crosses his mind, one where he asked Seishiro if he had any baby pictures of himself years ago, to which he answered none was ever taken. His face softens then, and he speaks more gently, "...and you're adorable, Sei. I'd consider myself the luckiest parent if I got to see a baby Seishiro with your fluffy white hair and handsome eyes running around in our home."

No matter how Seishiro feels like disagreeing to Reo's words, he couldn't help but fluster over them, picking at his nails again as he very barely flushes pink. Still, he felt his stomach twist uncomfortably so, not that he didn't believe Reo's words, he knew he loved Seishiro for who he is, but could Seishiro love himself as a child?

Reo, almost as if reading his mind, starts again. "Seishiro, do you want to know the name I will choose for your surrogate baby?" It's obvious how he avoids the words "if you choose," not wanting to focus on the reality of their dilemma but instead the hypothetical he was about to play out, which Seishiro couldn't bother to refute.

Seishiro, curious as ever and wanting a break from his thoughts, asks, "what?"

"Takara," Reo answers with a heartfelt smile. "Another girl's name, and she means "Treasure," because like you love everything about me, I love everything about you, Sei." Reo leans in to wrap his arms around Seishiro's neck, pulling him into an embrace, holding Seishiro's head into the crook of Reo's neck. "I think right now, you just have a problem... loving yourself, or who you are, at least." He softly says, and Seishiro's heart skips a beat in his chest, it feels worse to hear out loud than keep hidden inside his mind and heart. "But that's okay, problems are meant to be solved. You just always have to remember that we have as much time as we need, we won't rush anything, and I'll help you until you feel ready. We'll take it one step at a time. I love you, Seishiro, my Sei."

And now, it feels like Seishiro's heart stops completely, and all he can hear is his own slow breathing against Reo's shoulder. Was that it? He didn't love himself? Was that the complexity he couldn't figure out on his own? It felt... almost wrong, but not logically, like he couldn't accept it. Perhaps it was like his loneliness before he met Reo, he didn't know he felt it until it went away. Still, it also feels like a weight had been lifted off his chest, and it's all because of Reo. Not only could he help figure out Seishiro more than he could himself, but Reo is just here, and he'll never get over that fact. He's here holding Seishiro in his arms and reassuring him that he loves him, and that's the only thing he needs to actually want to climb those small steps Reo keeps referencing to. With Reo, he can find himself wanting more, over gradual time, that is.

He shuts his eyes as he tightly wraps his arms around Reo's waist, embracing him in return. "I love you more," he says, muffled, but Reo could still catch it. "More than you could ever realize."

"Mm, but I definitely love you the most in the end," Reo smugly says back, which earns the smallest chuckle from Seishiro.

Seishiro hums, comfortable with keeping their current positions. In the back of his mind, he notes something, and decides to voice it. "We have two girl names, you know. What if we have a boy?"

Reo, trying to not let it show in his voice how enamored he is of Seishiro, despite everything, entertaing the idea of two surrogacies again, merrily murmurs, "ah, maybe for our third one we can hope for a boy."

"Third?"