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Finn woke with a start at the sound of the door sliding open. It was the middle of the night, he could tell by the darkness in the room - the light stripes around the edge of the ceiling giving off a faint amber glow. He rolled over quickly and reached for the draw next to the bed – inside was a small hand-blaster.
“It’s me, buddy,” came Poe’s voice from the doorway and Finn instantly relaxed. He withdrew his hand and felt his cheeks burn with embarrassment. It had been a whole year since he had escaped the First Order and joined the Resistance, yet he still slept on edge, ready for the command to attack.
“Poe,” he whispered, narrowing his eyes, trying to make out the face of his boyfriend, “Why are you back from your mission already? You weren’t scheduled to return to base for another two days.”
“What? I’d thought you’d be happy to see me home early.”
“I am – of course – but…” Finn trailed off, registering Poe’s voice. The words were teasing – normal = but his tone was all wrong, it was heavy and grave.
“Babe, what is it? What happened?” Finn was pushing back the bedsheets and rising to his feet.
Poe hadn’t moved further into their shared room, he stood just in front of the door, as if he was about to bolt at any moment. Something was very wrong, Finn could feel it radiating off of his boyfriend and it made his heart race.
“Just,” Poe said roughly, speaking through gritted teeth, “Give me a minute.”
Finn stood by their bed as he watched Poe hurry into the connecting bathroom, the light inside turning on brightly as the door opened. Dread slid like ice down Finn’s spine as he momentarily caught the sight of Poe’s pilot overalls – they were smoke and blood stained. Finn wanted to rush after his boyfriend, check if he was hurt, but he respected Poe’s words and hung back.
Inside the bathroom, Poe rested against the closed door, breathing heavy. He looked down at his filthy uniform and revulsion washed over him. Tearing the orange and white overalls off, he threw them into a corner and stood shaking. He raised his hands and stared at the dry blood on them. The image of his squad member’s x-wing being shot down flashed before his eyes, quickly followed by the wreck smashed to pieces on the moon surface. He had landed his own x-wing and sprinted towards the burning wreckage. The pilot inside had been light more than a kid, it had been her first mission. Poe pulled her from the x-wing and held her as she gasped her final breath – there hadn’t been anything he could do.
He strode across to the shower and twisted the knob roughly. Hot water cascaded down onto his head and he rested his hands against the cool, tiled wall. He watched the rust-coloured water swirl around the grain. Poe scrubbed himself till his skin ached and the water ran clear down the drain.
Exhaust crashed down upon him as he turned off the shower. He barely had enough will power to pat himself dry and tie the tower around his waist. Suddenly all he wanted was to be in Finn’s arms.
Finn sat on the edge of the bed, eyes fixed on the door to the bathroom. He was worrying his lip between his teeth and counting the seconds since Poe had vanished inside. Relief surged through him as Poe emerged with a cloud of steam. Normally the sight of Poe still damp from the shower in nothing but a towel would excite Finn, but right then all he saw was the haunted look on his boyfriend’s face. He knew instantly what had happened.
He was standing and pulling Poe into his arms in a heartbeat. The older man sagged against him, burying his face into Finn’s shoulder and wrapping his arms tight around him.
“It wasn’t your fault,” Finn told Poe, stroking a hand up his smooth skin into his wet hair.
Poe trembled against him and he turned his head, pressing a kiss to the other temple.
“D-doesn’t matter,” Poe whispered into his neck, “I still should have saved her. I was her commander, she was my responsibility.”
“She knew the risks, Poe,” Finn murmured, lifting his boyfriend’s chin and meeting his bloodshot eyes, “It wasn’t your fault.”
Poe closed his eyes and Finn gently guided him to their bed. They slipped beneath the sheets together, the towel simply being left on the floor, and Finn pulled Poe into his arms. The pilot rested against his chest, his breath warm against Finn’s skin, his damp curls cold in contrast.
“I hate losing people, Finn,” Poe said after a long moment of silence.
Finn tightened his arms around Poe and promised, “You’re never going to lose me.”
The pilot lifted his head to look at him and Finn stretched his neck to kiss him. It was chaste but comforting; Poe sighed into the kiss and Finn cupped the back of his head.
“I wish I could forget today ever happened,” Poe admitted when they drew back, there was shame in his eyes and Finn’s heart ache for him, “It was such an ugly day…tell me something beautiful.”
At first Finn wasn’t sure what to say, he was never great at talking, at expressing himself – yet another thing he had the First Order to thank for. He stroke his thumb over Poe’s handsome features, something beautiful?
“You,” he whispered, his thumb sweep over Poe’s lips, “Poe Dameron.”
Poe smiled wearily, taking Finn’s hand in his and kissing his palm. “Thank you.”
Finn sat up slightly straighter and Poe pushed himself up to catch his lips in a tender kiss.
“I love you, Finn Dameron.”
“I love you too.”