Chapter Text
the last time odysseus had been standing and looking down into the ocean, it had been accompanied by the gentle swaying of a boat. the aged wood was firm beneath his feet, and the deep blue depths below him were anything but inviting.
he had been full of determination then, lifting his eyes to face the horizon, heart both aching for his family and full at the thought of being reunited with them. despite the many hardships that had led him to that point, despite the dangers lurking around every corner, he had been hopeful.
it had taken seven years to completely drain that away.
seven years of loneliness, despite the warm body beside his. seven years of sickness, even though most men would be delighted at the chance to be loved and wanted by a woman as beautiful as calypso. seven years of cycling through hope, anger, grief, and everything in between.
calypso had promised that he would love it here, that this island would be their own paradise. instead, each day had been a personal hell, one that slowly broke him down until he found himself wandering to the edge of the rocky overhang, his sandals scuffing the earth and kicking some pebbles into the tossing waves below. the drop was much farther than on his ship, and yet, he wasn't apprehensive at all.
all he wanted was to see his family again. to see penelope, to embrace her. to meet who his son was and be the father he'd been so excited to be. the desperation has slowly turned into grief and guilt every night he spent in calypso’s cave.
her touch, no matter how gentle and sweet, was like fire to his skin. her eyes that regarded him with such affection made him sick to his stomach. the first time, he'd wanted to fight her, to pull away, to say no. but it didn't matter. she was a goddess, and they both knew it. it hung over his head like a death sentence.
perhaps it was for the best. however badly he wanted to, he didn't think he could face his wife again, to hold her close and meet her earnest gaze, knowing what he'd done. it didn't matter if he didn't want it, it didn't matter if it took away his sleep and led to him barely eating. it didn't matter if he had to close his eyes and let his mind venture far away just to bear her touch and body over his.
it didn't matter.
nothing did.
eurylochus was right.
they were never going to make it home, and even if by some miracle he did, things would never be the same. he was kidding himself to think otherwise.
the currents below splashed against the rocks, sending sea spray against the sheer cliff wall. odysseus tried to imagine his body being smashed against the rocks, but it had no affect. he was too exhausted to reason with himself. too exhausted to keep hoping . too exhausted to feel hands on him again and again and again and aga….
this was his only escape, and that has become more clear as the months passed.
oh, penelope, forgive me.
suddenly he felt a firm hand wrap around his wrist, yanking him back so he stumbled from the edge, his eyes flying open. it wasn't calypso’s- it was hard and calloused where hers were sickeningly soft and warm. it was a touch that he had felt many, many years ago- circling around his bicep, directing him, guiding him as he held a spear before him.
athena!
he was wordless, as she spun him around to face her. her sharp face and flowing hair was so familiar, yet completely unfamiliar to him. the last time he'd seen her, she'd regarded him with cold anger, and now she looked absolutely furious.
“what were you thinking?!” she hissed, not letting go of his arm.
odysseus had waited for this moment, planning what he would say to her if he ever saw her again. despite the ten years that his feelings had to fester, now his mouth gaped uselessly and he was unable to say anything at all.
athena, on the other hand, had much to say.
“why the hell would you do that?” her voice was outraged but filled with something more personal, something pained. her eyes were filled with more emotion that he'd ever seen them. “odysseus, answer me!”
“what do you want me to say?” he finally forced out, attempting to wrench his arm from her grip and returning her burning gaze with a glare of his own. “what do you want to hear from me, athena? an apology? i'm not going to apologize for anything after you abandoned me!”
the past hurt, which had been quelled by fury all those years ago, bubbled up. despite the harsh words they'd thrown at each other, ones that they both meant from the bottom of their hearts, he wouldn't say it didn't hurt when his goddess had forsaken him when he'd needed her guidance the most. and now she showed her concern, her judgment, as if she had any right to police his actions after throwing everything away.
“i thought you would find your own way, not try to throw yourself off a cliff!”
“trust me, that wasn't the plan.” odysseus hissed. he didn't want to talk about this to her. “not until i was held captive on an island for seven years! maybe that's nothing to you, but you have no idea what i’ve been through. how dare you judge me for giving up, when you did nothing as i was-”
“odysseus-”
“no!” odysseus finally wrenched his arm free and held it to his chest, staring her down with a gaze that was burning but also twisted with pain, the weight of the past few years tugging at his features, his heart, his everything. “do you know what it's like? to be brought to bed by a woman i don't love every night , to be– to be forced, to be able to do nothing as she—"
no matter how long he'd endured it, he couldn't bring himself to say out loud the full extent of what he'd been through. he paused, struggling to inhale a breath, knowing he needed to calm himself down. after living through those hellish nights for seven years, it shouldn't be so difficult to say out loud, it shouldn't be. he knows athena has no patience for emotions, he knows when he opens his eyes she's going to be looking at him with the same cold expression that she'd given him after the cyclops-
“i’m sorry.”
a hand on his head startled him out of his racing thoughts, everything freezing for a moment as he's pulled forward, the fingers in his hair warm and firm rather than rough and accusatory. he felt all the fight seep out of him, exhausted from everything that came before and from his outburst. he was supposed to be sinking into the cold waves below, and he was standing here, and he could feel salty tears burning in his eyes that he didn't have the energy to scrub away.
he didn't realize how much he'd missed the touch of a friend.
despite their complicated and painful history, athena was genuine. she would never be like calypso, she would never touch him in that way.
“where were you?” he brought himself to ask. "for years, i waited, i hoped--"
“i would have stepped in if i could,” athena said, her voice filled with pain. “i didn't know… how things had went.”
her hand moved in a soothing motion, curling through his messy strands as she murmured, “you've gone through so much."
against his better judgment, he allowed himself to fall forward, pressing his head into her body. he’d always made an effort to seem strong, smart, and capable of standing on his own two feet in front of her. now, all that melted away and he felt small, like the child he’d been when they first met.
that was so long ago.
“i’m tired… i’m so tired, athena.”
“i know,” she clearly wasn't used to speaking so personally, so her words sound slightly unnatural, but still filled with genuine sympathy. “i’m sorry for… i shouldn't have been so harsh. i was afraid, when i saw you standing on that cliff edge. you aren't meant to die, odysseus.”
“i don't know what else to do,” odysseus whispered, “i need to go home, and i can't. i can't spend another second here. it's… it's so bad, athena.”
“you won't have to,” athena said, letting her hand fall from his head so he could blearily lift his gaze, his tired eyes reddened and glistening. “i'm going to get you out of here, but you can't give up yet."