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In the future, a future which has not happened and never will, there is a boy, who is not a man and has lived far too long to be called a boy but is a boy nonetheless, who will never exist and never has. The boy who once had raven hair now has hair grayed by how many years he has been a child. He will search for something that was never his. He will never find it because the prophecies say so. His destiny will never let him die. And his love will never let him live. He is stuck in a past that doesn’t exist and always will be.
Merlin walks the streets at night. He sheds his skin and will walk a different street until he is positive he has walked for centuries. People ask him if he is alright, he will never be alright, ask if he needs help. He needs help.
He needs friends. He had some once. Not the friends with golden hair, a flirty manner, or a calmness he never learned to appreciate before it was taken from him. He had friends. He thinks he still does though they might be dead.
He had friends who were sorcerers. Friends who were pirates. Friends who were soldiers. He had friends he’s lost and friends he’s saved. He had friends he told his entire truth to and friends he spent decades hiding from. He’s had friends who weren't friends but lovers and friends he could never be vulnerable around because he knows their knife will show, and when it does, it will be in his back.
He will never have a friend he trusts as wholly as he once trusted the man who has never existed and will never return. He finds friends he cares for after centuries and friends he forgets. He will never not forget. He will always lose his memories and he will never learn.
He will never find the boy with the hair as gold as the sun and never will. He will walk until he finds what he is looking for. He will never find it.
His friends are dead now. That he knows. He has met their descendants and their heirs. He has met their lovers and every time he remembers a past that has never happened to him. He will never die and he will never live.
He meets a man on his walks. One with hair as gold as the sun. He is so very old and doesn’t remember the man with golden hair. He will dream about him on nights he sleeps and does not walk. He does not ever sleep and does not remember the man for he will never dream of meeting him. He never meets the man with hair as gold as the sun for he has never existed. Despite that, he will see the man and cry. For the man has died and is not to return. The prophecies have lied and we know this. The prophecies have always been incorrect and will never be wrong as long as this man lives.
The man with hair as gold as the sun will tell him a prophecy. The boy who has lived for centuries will refuse to listen, though he heeds the man's prophecy for a future that does not exist and a past that is not his for he has lived too long for it to be so.
He sheds his skin and walks once more. He walks well into the night until he has seen the sun that is too pale to be a sun, rise a hundred times until he has reached the place which was the end of the beginning of the end, which was the end of a story which has never existed with characters who have never lived.
He walks into the Mists of Avalon which is not a lake and never was, until he gets to a castle that is not there, to plead with gods that do not exist and never have. He pleads for the prophecies to be incorrect as they always have and to tell a truth he will never know. The gods that have never existed will ignore him. They will scorn him for questioning the judgment of a dead god and cast him out of the castle which is still never there. He will walk forevermore for a past that didn’t exist, and a future that will never be his.
This is a tragedy that has never existed and will always stay a tragedy.
In the past, a past which has never existed, there is a boy. A boy born with hair as gold as the sun. He has always known who he is and where he stands because he has always had someone by his side since he was a little boy. The people tell him of his future. A future which never happens. They tell of what he is to inherit. They tell him where he stands for all of time because he is the boy with golden hair who will never live long enough to know.
Arthur was born as a king. Though he doesn’t hold the title, the people around him know he will be king and treat him as such. They will bow to him and never touch him. He misses his mother and wishes someone could hold him. His father does not hold him and will never do so.
He learns to fight and he learns politics. He loves his father's praise and will never have enough of it. When he does well he will earn a nod. He used to earn treats as a kid. The cook gave him bread stuffed with jam and cream. Now he gets nods which he tallies up in his head and treasures as much as he would any treat he was given.
He meets a serving girl, whose skin is as dark as mud but will forever be beautiful. He does not learn her name for a long time. He refuses his father’s wishes and goes on as many dalliances as he can with her. He thinks this is what love feels like. He thinks about all the terrible stories that his friend who was more of a sister than a friend used to read to him about love. He thinks they are true now.
He kisses her and everything feels like a puzzle piece slotting together. He wants to marry her so very badly but cannot for his father is still king.
When he makes love to her as young men are wont to do, she makes beautiful noises and movements that he can’t get enough of.
—
His manservant who is very bad at his job and always looks at him with soft eyes like he knows something about Arthur that Arthur himself does not know disagrees.
“If you love her then what does it matter what your father thinks?”
Arthur shakes his head because Merlin simply does not understand. “If I go against my father’s wishes she could be killed for it. I cannot let any harm come to her. She is mine.”
Merlin frowns as though he did not consider that killing could’ve been a consequence. “Then promise her.”
“What could I possibly have to promise her Merlin?” Arthur has nothing to give.
“Promise her your love.” Merlin says slowly as though Arthur is stupid. “Promise her that you will always be there and she will be yours as long as you live, and when you are king, tell her you will marry her. That is what you have to give to her.” Merlin has a soft smile on his face like he knows the ending to this story.
“I will try.” Arthur says.
“You will do your best Arthur.” Merlin says as if he knows.
Arthur smiles at Merlin’s trust in him. Perhaps, if Merlin asks nicely he will let him please him alongside his wives when he is king.
—
In the morning, on the shooting range by the castle, Arthur loads his gun with 4 bullets. 4 bullets for 4 promises he has to give. He orders the girl to stand in front of the target and with shaking legs she does.
He tells her he loves her and shoots one bullet. It hits its mark right above the girl’s head as she shakes. He tells her he will always be there so there is really no point in trying to run and shoots a bullet which does not hit her arm but is so close she can feel the air as it thwaps into the target. He tells her she will always be his and he is the prince and she cannot refuse him or fight him as futile as that would be. The bullet does not hit her leg.
He promises that when he is king he will make sure she is one of his wives. The bullet does hit her foot. It's the fifth promise that remains unspoken, that if Adrianya tries to escape one more time it will be much worse.
—
Merlin works with the physician this time around as well. Gunshot wounds are far more interesting to treat than the wounds he used to treat in Camelot. There have been so many times around that he forgets how many times he’s done this. He’s sure he has the correct Arthur this time.
This Arthur is always kind to Merlin and the Physician named Elrand. He hasn’t known this Arthur long but has much hope. Perhaps it was the French Revolutionaries that had his king coming back from Albion. Perhaps, it wasn’t.
Arthur has no memories of Merlin but that is alright. Because maybe this time around Merlin can build a new life with him. He cleans Elrand’s supplies and hums to himself. He is so happy to find his destiny this time and not some mockery as before.
When Adrianya, the girl who Merlin swears looks like Gwen used to, comes in shaking and vomiting he asks in the calmest voice he can muster what happened to her.
“I didn’t do anything. I don’t know why he chose me.” The girl whispers and hiccups as she shivers.
Merlin frowns and he holds her hand in place. “Who are you referring to? Who hurt you?”
“I don’t deserve this. I won’t ever be his wife. He’s a lunatic. I’d sooner die.” She is muttering to herself over and over rocking back and forth.
Merlin gives up on her making sense and pulls his magic up and into her mind. He sees horrid events. He sees Arthur smirking at her and pinning her to a wall while she tries to fight him and he laughs. He sees Arthur take her in the most vile ways and then leave her seizing on the floor. He sees Arthur promise everything that should’ve been love and was instead twisted into everything the real Arthur would never be as the gunshots reverberate around his head.
He cuts off his magic and takes a deep breath. He heals her foot with a gold glared glance. It does not matter if he is found out. He will not be here long. She says nothing as he marches out the door and into the corridor. He crosses up the stairs until he reaches the corridor that holds Arthur’s rooms.
He gives a smile to the guard and walks past. He is not questioned. He is the Prince’s Manservant and will not be questioned. As he opens the doors to the chambers he’s confronted with an ecstatic prince.
“Merlin! I confessed to her. She accepted as well. She will be mine!” Arthur exclaimed.
“It was my fault.” Merlin muttered to himself.
“Merlin? Sorry, I couldn’t hear that well. What did you say?”
“I believed it was you. I’m so stupid. It's never you. Why do I keep falling for the same trick over and over?” Merlin ignores the prince that is not his.
Arthur frowns confused. “Of course I’m me? Who else would I be?”
Merlin glares at the false king and produces a dagger that Arthur swears was not there a few seconds ago. Before Arthur can blink or ask what Merlin is doing the dagger protrudes from his heart.
“I was going to aim for the stomach but that is his death and I will never grant it for an imposter.” Merlin waits for Arthur to call for his guards before slitting his own throat and falling to the ground. He falls feet away from the Arthur that is not his refusing to be near the horrid man even in death.
They bury Arthur in the crypt with the rest of the royals. Merlin is dumped into the sea with chains dragging his limp and lifeless body to the bottom of the sea.
In the future, a future which is a lie and always will be, the boy born with hair as gold as the sun will see a boy trip and catch him. The boy's hair is raven black but he has eyes as old as the stars. The boy with raven hair will call him a name that is not his own, but he knows belongs to him, whether stolen, borrowed, or given. The boy with raven hair calls him a clotpole. The boy born with golden hair will shove the other and smile. It is not a harsh smile and never has been. It is a smile that promises the soft moments. The boy ruffles the hair of the boy who is not a boy and hugs him. He will never be alive long enough to know the boy who is not a boy for all he is.
Merlin wakes with Arthur’s name on his lips. He does often. The doctors say he has night terrors. They don’t know the horrors that he calls his memories well enough to know that these do not stay just to his dreams.
How could they possibly know what he has been through. He doesn’t mind. Merlin has found ways to cope. He knows if he sits still for too many years he will lose himself and it takes a decade to get out of a rut like that.
He is going to school now. Every century or so he gets a new education to keep up with the latest news. It’s a little shocking how much the human race can learn in a century. He likes keeping up with all the little updates.
It helps to have knowledge from the past almost 2000 years when trying to pass finals. It makes it so he can help others with their work. He’s gone to 3 universities in the last 20 years picking a different degree to learn each time. He learns so much that he’s missed and his eyes light up with wonder whenever they tell him some new revelation.
The doctors have wonderful machines now that can basically read his mind or so they say. It definitely isn’t the equipment Gaius had 1700 years ago. On the other side of that, it’s still nice to see people using herbal remedies like he used to all those years ago. Humanity has changed so much and not at all at the same time.
He misses Gaius as much as he misses all of them. This decade has definitely been one in which he finds himself often looking back to his past. It hurts, obviously. It always will, but he has had centuries since Camlann and refuses to spend them all moping. He did for a while. He knows how much worse it is as an immortal to try and give up.
This year has been full of discoveries and helpful little observations. He’s met people from all over, at the college and he learns their stories and their lives. He gets a therapist now which is nice. The therapist’s name is Catherine and she refuses to let him do whatever he planned to do to make the pain stop. She doesn’t let him run away and she refuses to let him hide between the walls of his mind. He’s not ashamed to say he’s just a little frightened of her.
He doesn’t tell the doctor everything obviously but enough that he is genuinely getting help for everything he’s been through. He’s pretty sure she is one of the only people to genuinely know him in the last century. She knows all his ticks and his habits. She sees him and refuses to back down from the challenge that is Merlin.
It’s calm. It’s nice.
—
He thinks he’s met another Not Arthur when he turns into his first lecture of the second semester of his first year. He’s trying out for a medical degree. Maybe he can start helping people again. He has been a medic for so long of his life. He will always carry the part of him that just wants to heal everything in its path. Catherine encourages him.
He sees the man with golden hair sitting on a chair in the very back with a jaw that only could belong to a king. While he doesn’t have any desire to go chasing destinies he, unfortunately, still has a type that always happens to look like his Arthur. There’s probably something wrong with his brain that he keeps going back to the same person over and over. Catherine laughs and says something about insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.
He agrees but every time he sees the visage of his love he knows his life is about to get interesting for a while.
So he sits in the very back and helps the Not Arthur, who he learns is named Alexander but goes by Alex, every time he sees him frown at what the lecturer says. To be honest, Merlin isn’t terribly listening to the lecturer either but he knows enough that he genuinely doesn’t have to.
He knows very well that he is not helping his king but he also hasn’t had a proper relationship in years. He hopes it's as fun as he remembers it being. Alex asks if they can exchange numbers so Merlin could possibly help him with all his coursework. Merlin simply laughs and agrees. This Not Arthur is quite shy. That normally doesn’t happen. Merlin’s excited to see how this will play out.
—
They get along surprisingly well. Alex is just as annoying as his Arthur but still has that charming quality that makes it all worth it. He makes fun of Merlin’s big ears and Merlin calls him a clotpole and refuses to agree when Alex argues that that is not a real word.
Merlin does in fact help Alex with the coursework between all the insults they trade with each other. He refuses to stop the insults to make the work go faster because it’s just ever so fun.
—
“Whatcha doin’ tonight?” Alex asks as they crack open the books.
Merlin shrugs and grins, “Helping you obviously.” He opens to the chapter that Alex just couldn’t quite figure out.
“That’s sad.” Alex says, “You have nothing better to do?”
“Not really, I’ve been very focused on my work and I haven't had time to go to many parties.” Merlin shrugs. He doesn’t really mind, he’s had centuries for friends and sometimes it’s best to take a break. This is the decade where he really needs a break. Or maybe a lover to take his mind off things. He hasn’t decided which one he wants yet, though he’s pretty sure it will depend on how Alex feels about having Merlin as a lover,
“Someone in my maths is having a get together tomorrow with me and a bunch of our mates. You should come.” Alex says, his eyes remain on the page in front of him while he takes his notes.
Merlin smiles, he’s never met a Not Arthur who was so shy. “Yah sure, I’ll be there. Text me the address later, for now, continue studying.”
Alex smiles something soft and then groans at the thought of studying even more. “Tyrant.” He mumbles.
“You asked me for help!” Merlin exclaims, “I can leave if you want?” He jokes.
“Hey, no need to go that far.” Alex banters back. He cracks a smile and goes back to his book as Merlin helps him.
—
The party is a much more quiet affair than expected. Alex was right to call it a get together. Merlin had always assumed that college parties would be ruckus things full of sex and drinking, and while there is a bit of alcohol circling the room nobody seems to be downing shots at inhuman speed or fucking in the corners that just aren’t dark enough.
He spots Alex and wanders over to him. He knows the girl with ivory skin because she’s in the criminal investigation class he decided to take on a whim. He knew what she looked like before ever walking into that class. He will not hold it against her. He surprisingly knows the man with the short black hair talking softly to the girl with chocolate skin. He thought Adrianya looked close to Gwen's visage but now he knows she wasn’t even close.
Because this Gwen has the same wavy hair, the exact same face, and even that ever so slightly lopsided smile he always loved. But he’s even more shocked to see someone looking so close to the man he lost twice talking to her. What are the chances that the two who look so close to the ones he lost would fall in love a third time?
The hunk in the corner who is talking to a man with swishy hair looks so much like they should and Merlin can’t help but feel as he walks through the room as though he’s been transported back into Arthur’s chambers when they all piled into there, sans Morgana, and shared a drink or two. Not Gwen calls someone walking through the door over and Merlin watches as someone who even has Elyans exact hairstyle walks over as he bear hugs Not Gwen.
This should be a statistical wonder. The fact that they are all here all at once is almost too much to think about. It feels so familiar and so unknown it's jarring to Merlin’s senses. He remembers Someone shakes Merlin and he turns to see Arthur. No. Alex. He turns to see Alex, looking so much like Arthur even down to the small speck of black Arthur used to have in the iris of his eyes.
“Are you okay?” Merlin hears his king friend ask.
Merlin shakes himself and looks up. “Yah. Yah, I’ll be fine.”
Alex frowns but says nothing and introduces Merlin to a boy with fluffy hair named Moran who looks so small Merlin can’t ever believe he hated a child that much. He sees the boy light up as he sees another potential friend. He sees as the Not Mordred moves towards him for a handshake, but Merlin can only see a sword in his hand as he stabs his friend. He can only see as his love falls to the ground. He can only see all the pain the boy that is not this boy has caused.
Merlin jumps back before Not Mordred can reach him. Alex furrows his brows as he watches the encounter. “What's wrong Merlin?” He sees Moran frown and looks down at his hands trying to figure out what he’s done. Merlin won’t hold how Moran looks against him but he can’t stand there as the boy with bright eyes sits there innocently. He will try again. He will apologize and say he was just startled. But right now he needs to go. Right now he needs to escape.
“Nothing.” Merlin manages to gasp out. “Nothing, I just think I’m gonna go get some fresh air.” He doesn’t wait for a response and quickly walks out of the room. Everyone’s eyes turn to him for only a second before they resume their conversations as normal.
He starts crying as soon as he crosses the door frame. He walks through the halls quietly but doesn't make it more than 3 meters before he runs bodily into someone he couldn’t see as the tears stream down.
He looks up to see a man with curly blond hair looking so softly down at him. “Would you like to tell me what’s wrong?” The man who looks so close to his long lost friend asks. He doesn’t ask if Merlin is alright when he clearly isn’t. He doesn’t ignore him and just walk past. He just offers someone to talk to. It’s such a Leon thing to do that he can’t ignore his feelings and just falls to the ground sobbing.
He can’t handle it. Not now. If something happens to Alex and it's Moran's fault Merlin will never forgive himself for letting it happen. He lets himself curl up and continues to sob as he mourns a man he will always lose.
“Hey,” Not Leon kneels next to him and puts a hand on his shoulder. “Whatever is going on, I know it will turn out alright.”
“No,” Merlin rasps out, “It never turns out alright. I should be over this by now. I’ve had so long to learn my lesson.”
Not Leon furrows his brows but says nothing, continuing to let Merlin talk.
“I’m so done. I can’t keep chasing after them and everyone that is so close, Leon.” Merlin notices the slip of his tongue but doesn’t care to correct it, he’s giving up. He’s giving up on Arthur and whatever looks like him. He’s giving up on his friends and he’s giving up on himself. He can’t stand it, won’t stand it. He can’t keep waiting for a man that will never come for a future he will always die before he can see it.
“Who told you my name?” Not Leon asks, very confused.
Merlin’s head snaps up as quick as lightning. “What?” He says as though he dreads the answer.
“Oh, you were coming from my friends’ get together, weren’t you? They didn’t show you any embarrassing pictures of me did they?” Not Leon laughs a little and shakes his head. “That sounds like something Gavin would do just to get back at me. You see his last name is Greene so I dyed his white dress shirt green just to mess with him a bit.
“Gwaine?” Merlin sobs.
“No sorry, Gavin, Gavin Greene.”
Merlin’s mouth goes dry. “Sorry, What is your name?” He doesn’t want confirmation but needs it so much. He wants it to not be true but he wants his friends back so much. He needs someone so bad.
Not Leon frowns. “Well my full name is Lionel but everyone calls me Leon. Leon De Grance”
Merlin cries at the name he thought he would never hear again until Leon finally leaves. Once he’s alone he curls into himself and wedges himself against the wall. After a few seconds, he feels a hand on his shoulder and a question posed by the man he will forever miss. Not Lancelot looks down at him, worry etched into his face. He forgot how much he missed his friend. It hurt so much to watch him die twice. It broke him the first time and killed him the second.
“Hello there, My name’s Lawson Loc, but everyone calls me Lance. How are you feeling?” He says in a soft tone as if dealing with a frightened animal.
Merlin looks pitiful at Leon and silently asks why he would do this. But Leon does not know how much it hurts to see his dead friend. “Lance here is training to be a psychiatrist. He knows how to help more than I ever would.” Leon says softly. He knows Leon is trying to help. So he tells Lance he’s fine. He’s just a little stressed and overwhelmed and broke down.
Lance, the same as he always is, tells him he should go home to rest if he is overwhelmed.
Merlin just shakes his head and walks away down the hall back to the party to apologize to a young man who has done nothing wrong and does not deserve his hatred.
—
The next day at the class he has with Alex he dutifully studies as the lecturer drones on. When Alex walks in late and sits right next to him, he studiously ignores him and continues looking at his notes.
“Did I do something?” Alex asks in such a soft voice it sounds as though he’ll break.
Merlin shakes his head. “No, Alex, you haven’t done anything.”
“Can I ask why you ran out then? Did you know Moran or something? You looked ready to run when you saw him.” Alex asks.
“No. No, I don’t know him.” Merlin denies. It’s not a lie. He doesn’t know Moran, but he knows his face. He knows his past that is not his. He will never hold it against the kid but he can’t bring himself to just ignore it either.
Alex waits for Merlin to elaborate but when he doesn’t he goes back to listening to the lecturer, though Merlin can see him looking over to Merlin every once in a while.
Merlin is not stupid and so he takes Alex’s hand that is closest to him and moves it to his lap, playing with the bracelet on Alex’s wrist. When he looks up he sees Alex looking at him with a smile and they both know they will be alright. He keeps the hand in his lap even after he turns back and can feel the hand slowly moving back and forth on his lap.
—
2 months. It’s been 2 months and Merlin is sure. These are his friends. They act far too similar to the originals their faces copy to be a coincidence. He hates to go through this. He doesn’t want to lose them again. He can’t lose them again. He’s positive it will break him.
He learns about Lance’s and Quinn's budding romance and how everyone wishes they would stop being so sweet and just kiss already. Merlin is 90% sure that Pierce and Gavin have bet on whether or not they’ll die of old age before they finally tell each other their feelings.
Speaking of, Merlin learns that Gavin is just as flirty as Gwaine was. He learns how far Gavin will go to help a friend just like he used to. Everyone jokes that he’d kill himself if it meant they would never get a papercut again. Merlin doesn’t think the joke is funny but to be fair to them, they haven't seen the past he did. They have no clue just how much Gwaine will give so he can prove that he is worthy of their love. He has no doubt Gavin is much the same.
Pierce is just as large as Percival but Merlin can feel a difference in the man. As though the modern century has changed him in some way that just wasn’t there in Camelot. (Merlin guesses it's the fact he can kiss as many boys as he wishes including Gavin)
Leon and Alex apparently knew each other first. Both of them went to the same elementary school even though Leon was a couple of years older. However, they have the most similar personalities of everyone in the group which means they get along very well and also love to debate each other. They manage to turn everything into a discussion on politics or policy and everyone suffers for it.
Morgan is surprisingly the most different. Morgan still argues with Alex constantly but she’s softer now. Obviously, less of a murderer but it's more than that. Merlin hopes she had a wonderful childhood and that is what made the difference in her. They get along well and she laughs brightly when he teases Alex just as much as she does.
Moran is a carbon copy of his past. He gets excited at everything, he seeks out praise for his accomplishments in a way that is just so adorable that Merlin can’t help but praise him on everything he does. He’s amazing at a game of footy and he’s just so small that everyone frets over him a little more though not enough to be condescending.
These are his friends. He’s sure of it. He goes everywhere with them. He and Alex are so close and have the same dynamic as he and Arthur had that Merlin needs to remind himself to breathe so often that it's probably not healthy. He likes to impress the group, showing off his talents that he had to keep hidden the first time around.
He uses his magic to make it look as though he’s some sort of magician, which technically he is but not in the sense they are thinking of. It delights his group to no end as he plays endless pranks on Alex, taking his pens and making them disappear. Turning the bag of crisps Alex brings one day into a perfect red apple. “Accidentally” turning his suit coat bright pink. It’s wonderful.
They are no less shocked with every new talent he reveals. They learn that he knows how to juggle, how to breathe fire, and how to swallow a genuine sword. Alex learns one of Merlins’ talents that he deems is the best of them all. He learns Merlin is a very good kisser.
—
He loves Alex. At this point, it has so much less to do with the fact he looks like Arthur and more that he just loves Alex. He loves this man who is his best friend and lover all at once. He loves how well he can make him laugh and how well Alex knows all of him. He doesn’t know all of Merlin’s memories but that is alright because Merlin is loved no less because of it.
—
One day, Morgan tells them of a Brasserie that has delicious food while they are near the Leigh Woods visiting Lance. They are all starved and Alex announces he’ll pay for them so they decide, quite obviously, to make the five minute drive over to it.
They are all piled into 2 cars as they cross the Clifton Bridge Merlin smiles and presses himself into Alex’s side in the car and Alex flings an arm around Merlin’s shoulders. Alex lifts Merlin’s legs up and plops them into his lap. He jokingly unties Merlin’s shoe laces and Merlin laughs and slaps his hands away.
When the plane crashes into the bridge they feel the bridge rumbling before they hear the crash.
Merlin feels the bridge give way and has no time to think before the car he is in falls a hundred meters. He hugs Alex close to him one last time as they die. Alex’s face is the last thing he sees before everything goes black.
Merlin will always live too long to know if that was truly his Arthur.
When Merlin wakes and pulls himself from the wreckage, he will not turn back. He will bend down and tie his shoe. He will shed his skin and start walking.
In the past which is not the past we know. There will be a captain with hair as gold as the sun. He will never know what he is or why he is there. It is not his future and never will be. He will search for a sword that does not exist and that lies in a lake that was never a lake. He will be lonely. He will be lonely for a man he has never met and never will.
Archer is lonely. It does not matter that he commands his own ship. It does not matter that he has plenty of crew to never be truly alone. It does not matter because he is lonely and has no friends to truly turn to.
He walks the deck as the moonlight shines on him. The deck is swabbed as clean as possible. It always is, he makes sure of it. He watches as the water washes past his boat. He named it Aithusa. He doesn’t know exactly why but it just felt right. There is a dragon with its wings slightly spread out right in front of the wheel of the ship. He made sure the wood carving was as lifelike as possible.
He goes to examine it as he has done so many times before. It is just as lifelike as it always has been. There is a single chip under the eye which has been there as long as he remembers. It is such a captivating sculpture.
He’s so lost in thought he almost doesn’t hear the voice calling out for help. He runs over to the side of the ship where he sees a boy swimming towards it. He sees no wreckage around him and the ship Archer is in is miles from any group of land he knows.
Nonetheless, he cannot leave a boy stranded to drown and throws a ladder off the side of the ship. The boy swims closer and with shaking hands, he grips onto the ladder so tight that Archer can see his knuckles turn white with the force of it. The boy slowly makes his ascent trying his best to not fall back into the sea. When he finally reaches the railing Archer grips his arms and hauls him over the edge. The boy collapses onto the deck completely still. If Archer had not seen him moving seconds earlier he would think the boy dead.
He leans down and throws the boy over his shoulder like a sack of food. He brings him into the physician’s chambers that have not been used since Henry, the previous physician, succumbed to a sickness that no one else knew how to treat.
He does not know the boy he carries but feels a duty to help him. The boy is freezing and still drenched in the cold sea water. Archer is no doctor but he’s also not stupid and has been on the sea long enough to know what to do.
He lays the boy on the floor and strips him of all the clothes he has on. He sees markings around the boy’s naked ankles and wrists that could be nothing more than chains bound tightly. Archer wonders if he was thrown in chained or escaped from the chains and jumped into the water hoping for a merciful death.
Either option does not bode well for the psyche of the boy. He carefully dries him off and lays him on the patient bed. He goes to retrieve furs from his quarters. He takes the boy’s clothes with him and sets them to dry for when the sun rises and returns to wrap the small figure in the warm covers. The kid is shaking far too much to be normal so Archer takes off his own coats and boots to slide into the bed.
He pulls the man onto his chest and hopes the warmth will be enough. He falls asleep like that.
—
In the morning he will wake to frantic flailing and then the cool air as the furs tumble off him. He will reach for the pistol that is always on his bed side before remembering exactly where he is. The figure standing stark naked in front of him shivers and glares at him as though he has committed some heinous crime.
“Calm down. You’ll be alright. I’m not going to hurt you and you are not a captive. We can drop you off at the next port.” Archer can see the boy slightly calm.
“Where are my clothes?” He rasps in a voice that sounds like it has been left unused for a century.
Archer points outside the door. “You were soaking wet and you would’ve frozen to death. I hung them up for the sun to dry. They’ll undoubtedly still be wet but if you give me a second I can grab some for you to change into.”
The boy clearly calms down at this. “I-yes. Thank you, that would be much appreciated.” Archer nods and leaves the room. He picks the smallest clothes he owns and brings them back to the boy. They are worn out but any of his other clothes would surely swamp the boy in the swathes of clothing.
The boy dresses carefully in the fabric. It is still far too big on him but for now, it will do. The clothes look nice on him. The low cut fabric of the blouse shows stark collarbones and the boy who Archer is starting to realize must be the same age as him rolls up the sleeves up to his elbows to show muscles and hands accustomed to hard labor. When he does so he also reveals the markings of the chains.
Archer slowly lifts a hand so as not to scare the boy and holds his wrist softly. “May I ask what has happened?”
The boy does not pull his wrist away but simply rests his hand so Archer is the only thing holding his arm up. “Nothing really.”
“Were you held captive?” Archer asks carefully.
A war of emotions washes across the boy's face and he simply nods. Archer does not press him further. “Just rest. Keep the furs.” He guides him to the bed and helps him slip under the furs. Archer smiles softly and puts a hand on the boy’s shoulder. “Call out if you need anything. I’ll inform my crew you're here.” Archer takes his hand from the boy's shoulder but before he can turn to walk towards the door that holds his coat, he feels a hand grab his wrist. The boy is sitting up in his bed with a look on his face close to the deepest of grief.
“Stay.” He asks. “Please.”
Archer cannot refuse a face as soft as this one. He goes to sit in the chair but the boy shakes his head. He lifts up the furs asking Archer to slip under once more. Archer doesn’t refuse. Can’t refuse. He slips under the cover and the boy clings to him like he will lose the man he just met.
“Merlin.” He hears the boy mumble.
“Is that your name, Merlin?” Archer asks. The boy, Merlin, nods.
“Archer. Archer Pacheco.” Archer returns.
Merlin whimpers once and falls into a deep sleep, shielded in Archer’s arms.
—
The sea, Merlin finds, is a terrible place to be. He had been on boats before but he was always a stowaway who slept the day away and used his magic for whatever food he needed. But he cannot use his magic here. He lived through the hunts for witches and has no desire to be hunted again. He still keeps the alcohol buckets filled so the crew doesn’t have to worry about dying of thirst but he does it in unnoticeable increments that even if someone thought something was off they would never notice exactly what.
It is hot in the day with the sun beating down on him. It's freezing at night. Archer doesn’t make him do any work but if he had to sit there and do nothing he would go stir crazy. So he helps the crew. He’s never been on a boat before but he learned how to be a manservant from scratch so how hard can learning how everything works on a ship be?
He’s still reeling from the past 20 years. It has been 20 years, he’s learned, since he killed the imposter that held his love’s face so clearly. He spent most of it dead. Drowing, over and over until he could get those stupid chains off. And then he continued to die from starvation and dehydration over and over for years until he finally found this stupid boat. Since his body could never heal properly the chain markings stayed and now Arthur, Not Arthur, Archer thinks he was held captive. Which is technically correct since he was bound but not the way Archer thinks it is.
It’s hard to be next to a caring Not Arthur. Especially after the torment the last one caused. He doesn’t know why the universe keeps sending another to him every few years but it does and he hates it.
—
One week into him being on the boat, Archer visits him in the physician’s rooms.
“How are you faring? Finding everything well?” The captain asks.
Merlin nods, a smile on his face. “Thank you, for everything you’ve helped me with.”
“Of course. I’m glad you’ve found peace here.” Archer pauses in his speech, takes a deep breath, and slowly continues. “If you need someone to talk to, I can’t guarantee I’ll know what you're talking about, but I will listen.”
Merlin shakes his head, stops, then nods once. “I’d like that.”
Archer nods his head with a soft smile Merlin has seen thousands of times.
“I had killed someone.” Merlin starts, and he can see the shock on Archer’s face. “He was evil and he was a tyrant. He hurt someone I knew well. He shot her in the foot so she couldn’t run while he took something that was not his. He promised that this would be the rest of her life. I couldn’t let him continue so I stabbed him. Just once. They bound me in chains for it, and threw me off a ship far out into the sea.”
“How did you survive?” Archer asks breathlessly.
“The chains were meant to drag me down but I was able to slip out of them. I swam for about 2 days until I reached your ship.”
It was a lie of course. Some pretty words to hide an immortal. But if questioned he could always say he was too delirious to remember any more than that.
“I’m sorry.” Archer says softly. “I’m sorry that that has happened to you. I do not know the man you speak of but I don’t believe you would’ve killed without reason.”
“I’m fine, Archer really. I thank you for taking me out of the water.”
Merlin sees Archer swallow as Merlin reaches for his hand. “Of course. I’d never leave you helpless in the water.” Never leave me.
“You are a good man, Archer. I hope you never lose that.” Merlin brings his hand to Archer's face and holds it there. He has no wish to impose even though he can barely contain what he feels. He has had centuries to love this man. Their love is never the same but it is always love. It is always love and always will be.
Archer leans forward and kisses Merlin’s cheek instead of his lips. “You do not want one with dishonor to be your first. Trust me.” He whispers into Merlin’s ears even as it breaks his own heart.
“I do trust you.” Merlin clambers onto the lap of the most beautiful man he has met a thousand times. “But you will always be my first.”
When Merlin kisses him Archer knows he is loved. Merlin kisses like he has everything to lose and everything to win. Merlin kisses like he will treasure him forever. So he kisses back. He sets one hand under Merlin's chin and one on his waist. He slips a hand under Merlin’s loose shirt and leaves it there just reveling in the warmth.
Merlin whimpers and kisses him even harder. He gets pushed down onto the bed and without hesitation, he goes down. He does not give the orders here. That much is clear.
The lacings on his shirt are undone and pulled over his head. He lays on the bed as Merlin kisses his neck. His hips buck up when Merlin wiggles down on his lap. And Archer knows this is where he belongs.
—
One year. Merlin has been on this ship for one year. He refused to get off at the port and stayed with Archer.
One year and they reach where the lake of Avalon used to be. One year and they reach where Merlin buried his love. One year and they reach Excalibur. It has been one year. Merlin knows that he put safeguards on the lake but they let him in easily so of course they let the ship in as well.
He knows where to look so he knows how to keep the ship away from it. That sword is Arthur’s. It will never be anyone else’s. He will not let it be found.
He summons a storm so strong that it blows them out of the lake. As the sailors try to combat it he brings lightning into the water and a wave to send the boat north.
Everyone is disappointed to need to try again to find it but they are lucky to have left with their lives and they know it. Archer is more than disappointed but says nothing as he ravages Merlin that night. He is relentless and in the end, they lay there panting until Archer finally slips away onto the deck to look at the statue of the dragon.
He does that more often now, Merlin notices. He knows Archer wants the sword but he cannot bear to let him have it.
—
One day later, Merlin hears another ship fire a cannon at them out of nowhere. The ship rocks as it splinters. Merlin hears the crew fire all five canons back at once. He runs onto the deck only to have the wood three feet from him crash and explode. Archer swarms in and starts yelling out orders for his men that Merlin can barely keep track of. Merlin hears more cannons fire and he cries out for Archer to get out of the way.
In one instant Archer stands one foot from him. In the next, he is halfway across the deck. The blood splatters are everywhere and Merlin can’t help but feel like this will happen to him forever more.
He sees the opposing boat is boarding their own and does the only thing he can think of. He runs to Archer’s chamber, and lets the blood spatters disappear along with his shirt and boots as he enchants a rope to tie his arms to the bedpost. He starts crying when the men burst through the door into the chambers that he’d been in so often.
He lies and says he was taken captive. He tells them what the crew have done to him. He would feel bad impugning on their honor. But he heard the thumps on the deck. He knows they are dead. He wishes that they will forgive him for running, but if he has to wake up in the middle of the ocean with no one around to help him one more time he could not bear it.
The other group of pirates believe him and take him onto their boat with kind smiles. They may be thieves and murderers but they know to help others in pain. They are not without honor.
As Merlin boards their boats he sees a body floating in the water. It has a blast shot through the torso and golden hair. He leaves it to float helpless in the water and steps on the deck.
In the future, a future which will happen because it has prophesied so, there will be a boy. There will be a boy who is born with hair as gold as the sun. He has never known who he is and he never knows where he stands because he has not had someone to tell him. He has no future to inherit. He has no one to stand by his side, though he knows there should be. He knows that there is supposed to be someone he can ruffle the hair of and tackle when he wishes. He knows they do not stand behind him as they should’ve but right next to him. He knows they should be but they are not. And he knows he will never live long enough to find them.
Arthur does not know where he is. Arthur remembers nothing of his life except for one thing. Merlin. He remembers Merlin. He keeps sending himself to save Merlin but it never works. He can’t ever get it right. His soul turns wrong and he becomes a horrible person, he is too soft and can’t bring himself to help Merlin, or, and this happens rarely, he is perfect but he doesn’t live long enough. He never lives long enough to help.
He sends his image to track Merlin down, over and over and over again. Every time one dies he sends another. He can’t control them but every once in a while, Merlin will find him. He sees Merlin lose all hope and then gain it again only for it all to come crashing down.
Arthur has no wish to torment Merlin, he just wishes to help. He wants Merlin to have companions. He almost loses his will to try and help when the second world war breaks out and Merlin joins.
He sends one of himself to help Merlin through the days of the trench. He picked the wrong option and it gets Merlin killed. He can’t bear to try again for another 200 hundred years. Finally, 2000 years have passed. Once, just once, he gets enough power to send all their friends back at once.
He fails and Merlin curses himself to walk the streets forever more.
He wants to help his friend. He needs to. He has no choice but to help. Not sending out one of himself in the last 500 years means he has power he never thought he would before. He can visit Merlin; he tells him all he knows and all Merlin must do is do as Arthur tells him. Merlin ignores him but turns around and starts making the walk to where the Lake of Avalon used to lie.
Merlin mumbles a lot, Arthur notices. He tells stories. He tells stories of everything Arthur has never been able to see of him.
He tells about all of his friends. Everyone he has met. He tells of a Catherine who refused to back down from a fight. He tells how she was a wonderful woman who always made sure people were in the wrong.
He tells of a Marcel who was a clown in a traveling circus. Merlin traveled with them for quite some time. He tells about how the clown was the most philosophical person Merlin had ever met. How he always knew Merlin was some sort of special and took to him very easily.
He tells of a priest he met only once. He tells how the priest held him while he cried and asked nothing in return.
He tells of a girl named Eden. He tells how they were married so that her parents suspected nothing when she invited her best friend over while Merlin was away.
He tells of all the people he’s saved. He tells of all he’s lost. He tells of all he’s loved and everything he’s fought for. He tells Arthur how he’s had friends who were sorcerers. Friends who were pirates. Friends who were soldiers. He had friends he’s lost and friends he’s saved. He had friends he told his entire truth to and friends he spent decades hiding from. He’s had friends who weren't friends but lovers and friends he could never be vulnerable around because he knows their knife will show, and when it does, it will be in his back.
He tells Arthur of the descendants of these friends. He tells about how they’ve all died. He talks and talks until he has nothing more to say. And then he starts another sentence.
“As I was going up the stairs,” Merlin starts.
“I met a man who wasn't there.
He wasn’t there again today.
Oh, how I wish he’d go away.
When I came home, last night at three.
The man was waiting there for me.
But when I looked upon the hall.
I couldn’t see him there at all.
Go away, Go away,
Don’t you come back anymore.
Go away, Go away.
And please don’t slam the door.
Last night I saw upon the stair,
A little man who was not there.
He wasn’t there again today.
Oh, how I wish he’d go away.”
Merlin pauses and weeps. “Is that what you are?” He flips around to Arthur with tears streaming down his face. “Are you something that will never be there but will never leave me alone? Why won’t you leave me alone ?!” He falls to his knees. “Please just leave me alone. Please just go.”
“One more time. Merlin. One more. Please. Please let me help you.” Arthur whispers.
“I can’t.” Merlin whimpers. “I can’t go through this again. If you love me, don’t make me do this again.”
If Arthur could cry in this form, he’s positive he would be sobbing. “Please, Merlin. It is because I love you that I ask this of you.”
“I can’t.” Merlin sobs. “I can’t. Please don’t make me. Please.”
“Merlin. Get up.” Arthur orders and Merlin obeys with shaking legs. “Merlin, look at me. I need you to do this. Not for me, not for anyone else but because you need someone to take care of you. That is an order from your king.” Arthur nods once and watches as Merlin dries his tears and walks once more to the lake of Avalon that does not exist and never has.
He walks and walks and walks. He is exhausted and will not stop moving. Finally, he stops at Avalon and a truck blares past and shakes him out of his stupor.
He walks into the Mists of Avalon which is not a lake and never was, until he gets to a castle that is not there, to plead with gods that do not exist and never have. He pleads for the prophecies to be incorrect as they always have and to tell a truth he will never know. The gods that have never existed will ignore him. They will scorn him for questioning the judgment of a dead god and cast him out of the castle which is still never there. He will walk forevermore for a past that didn’t exist, and a future that will never be his.
This is a tragedy that has never existed and will always stay a tragedy.
But this time around, he will not let his destiny take control. If the prophecies which always lie do not allow this to happen with him around he will kill those who bring the prophecies. This time around, he kills the old gods without mercy. They had no mercy on him and so he will have none for them.
This time around he holds a sword. A sword painted gold in the moonlight. This time around he knows what he must do. He knows exactly how to finish this. This time around he will not lose.
In the future, there will be a past. It has never happened and never will. We know it happens because it has been prophesied but the stories are not the stories of the future but the future of the stories. And the boy born with hair as gold as the sun will never live long enough to hear the ending. And the boy with the raven hair which has grayed from age with eyes as old as the stars but will always stay a boy will always live too long to know. But we know, of course, how well prophecies hold up to a sword that doesn’t exist.
If you’ve watched the news, you would hear of a boy. A boy who was born with hair as gold as the sun. A boy that was the most noble of all. A boy who was a bit of a clotpole and a dunce but learned to change with the help of his friends. You would hear of everything he would do to save his friends and his people. You would know he carries a sword. A sword that was given to him when he turned 18. You would know that the boy that was born with hair as gold as the sun has a friend with hair as pitch black as the night.
You wouldn’t know that they have spent eternities to find each other. You wouldn’t know that one of them tried to help his friend for centuries while the other watched him die, over and over. You wouldn’t know the history that they refuse to share. You wouldn’t know of all they have been through. You wouldn’t know of the tears they share as they recount memories half remembered through the centuries.
You would know, if you looked very very closely, that they love each other.