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[7:20 PM] Eddie: Come over
Buck sighs as he checks his messages. He knew by the way Eddie had been acting at the end of their shift that he’d want to talk. Buck had thought avoiding him might mean they’d make it at least until the next morning without a confrontation. Nonetheless, he barely made it inside his loft before Eddie’s text came through. He tries not to feel like a man on death row as he picks his keys back up and heads out, but it’s difficult.
The drive to Eddie’s is excruciating. All he can think of is all the scenarios in which it could go terribly. Eddie leaving the 118, moving back to El Paso and taking Christopher with him. Eddie telling him he never wants to see him again, or worse, not saying anything then leaving anyway. Buck knows Eddie wouldn’t do that. He wouldn’t. Still, he can’t help thinking of all the ways this could blow up in his face.
It takes him thirty seconds to actually fit his key inside the lock and, when he finally does, he finds Eddie already waiting for him on the other side. He’s in the same outfit he’d been wearing when he left the station, a red henley with dark wash jeans, and his mouth is set in a particular way Buck has come to associate with him being nervous. Buck’s shoulders slump at the sight, all thoughts of Eddie leaving him in the dust immediately forgotten. After a couple seconds of silence, he closes the door behind him, leaning against the counter.
“Hey,” he greets, taking in the way Eddie has, at least partially, relaxed as well.
“Hi,” Eddie sighs, eyes roaming Buck’s face. “You were worried.”
“I was,” Buck licks his lips. He wants to busy himself with something, just to give his hands something to do, but he knows this is a conversation he can’t avoid. He settles for fidgeting with the sleeves of his shirt. Eddie follows the movement with his eyes. “I just figured…” He trails off.
“...that I’d leave you,” Eddie guesses, lips twisting. Buck swallows.
“Yeah,” he confirms, making Eddie take a deep breath before speaking next.
“Well I’m not gonna,” he says, body swaying as he speaks, “so if you want a way out you’re gonna have to do it yourself.”
Buck clears his throat, “I’m good, actually.” He’s not imagining the way Eddie’s body relaxes at his words. Buck considers him before saying, “You were worried, too.”
Eddie tucks his chin close to his chest, nodding.
“Well, I’m not… going anywhere,” Buck assures him. Eddie’s jaw works as he thinks of what to say, staring at the floor.
“We only said we would give it a shot,” Eddie finally gets out, like that alone explains it. Buck wants to hold his hands, but isn't sure he’s allowed, so he tucks them under his arms.
“So you figured that was it,” he deducts. Eddie huffs, nodding again. Buck’s eyes burn.
“We knew things might be hard, in the beginning. But…” Eddie hesitates, but his thought process is clear.
“...not this hard.” Buck guesses, staring at the ceiling.
They’re silent for a moment, nursing their thoughts. Eddie’s the first to break.
“Maybe we’re not…” He sighs through his nose, and Buck can tell he doesn’t want to say it, but will anyway. “...meant to do this.”
He immediately shakes his head, “That’s bullshit and you know it.”
“Buck…” Eddie crosses his arms. ‘Defensive’, Buck’s mind provides.
“No, Eddie,” Buck interrupts sternly, looking back at him. Eddie looks gutted. “You don’t get to pull some mystical excuse out of your ass,” he says, “if you don’t want to try anymore, that’s fine, but you have to give me an actual reason.”
Eddie’s mouth opens, but no sound comes out. Buck can feel his leg bobbing anxiously, but he waits.
“You were thinking the same, I don’t know why you’re being…” Eddie trails off.
“No,” Buck denies immediately, “I thought you might end things, sure, but because we’ve been fighting non stop for a week and it’s interfering with our jobs, not because of some ‘we’re not meant for each other’ crap.”
“...Alright,” Eddie agrees, sufficiently chagrined, settling further where he’s leaning against the kitchen table. “So neither of us want to end this,” he summarises.
“No,” Buck agrees, shifting his weight on his feet, “but we also can’t continue like we’ve been.” Eddie nods slowly.
“No, we can’t.” They stare at each other for a moment, both unsure of what to say, or do. Buck knows Eddie’s telling the truth; he doesn’t want to end things, that was clear since the moment he walked through the door, which, great, he doesn’t either. Buck just wishes it were that simple.
Getting anxious, he pushes himself off the counter and moves to get a glass of water. While he’s filling his cup, Eddie mumbles to his back, “I’ll be in the living room.” Buck nods his assent, even though Eddie’s already moving away.
The cool water helps centre him a bit, or perhaps it's just the reprieve on their conversation, but… Still, when he does move to follow Eddie into the living room, he feels more sure of himself. Of them. He finds the man sitting on the couch, shoulders slumped, staring forward with an empty sort of gaze. For some reason, Buck realises, Eddie still seems to believe they’re not making out of this conversation.
Buck knows he’d been thinking in similar lines earlier, but he also knows none of it had been based on fact. He’d been scared, so he assumed the worst, but he never seriously thought his partner would leave him, not without a solid reason. Eddie… looks like he already lost but just doesn’t know why.
Buck sighs as he takes a seat next to him. He can feel the heaviness of the coming conversation in his bones.
“You said something to me, earlier this week” Buck prompts eventually, forcing Eddie to look at him again.
“What?” He frowns, confusion replacing his defeated look.
“We were at the mall during a call and you said…” He watches Eddie’s eyes light up with understanding.
“I was looking at a photo booth and I said we should bring Christopher and update our family picture,” he finishes, looking down at the floor.
“You said ‘our family’, Eddie,” Buck explains, earnest, “and I promise you… nothing we do is taking that away.” Eddie’s expression is so hopeful Buck almost can’t take it.
“You can’t promise that,” he argues still, voice hoarse with emotion. Buck makes a show of rolling his eyes.
“I think I just did,” he jokes. Eddie sends him a small smile, amused. Buck counts it as a win. The light moment soon passes, however, and they’re left in silence again.
“I don’t… have the best track record with these things,” Eddy admits, like Buck hadn’t been there for almost all of it.
“Neither do I, but that’s not gonna stop me from loving you,” Buck says, watching the way Eddie’s eyes flutter at his words. They’ve only sait it a handful of times so far, and it still feels a bit novel.
“I don’t think loving each other is the problem,” Eddie confesses, “it’s the rest that we can’t seem to get right.” He looks into Buck’s eyes for a second, then quickly turns away. Buck frowns.
“You mean our fights?” He asks, but isn’t so sure anymore. Eddie shakes his head.
“Not… entirely,” he explains, still looking forward, “I mean, we knew we’d fight. We fought plenty before.”
“...Right,” Buck doesn’t see where this is going. Eddie sighs, running his hands down his thighs anxiously.
“Buck, you’ve been… sad, the entire time we’ve been together.” Buck is caught entirely off guard. He didn’t think anyone had noticed his sudden mood shift.
“I have?” He deflects.
Eddie only nods, bringing his hands to his face, “I haven’t seen you smile properly in days.” When all Buck does is gape, he continues, “You don’t make jokes anymore, and you’re barely even eating. We’ve all noticed, I mean…” Eddie huffs “...Hen asked me to talk to you as if I’m not-”
“-She doesn’t know, though,” Buck cuts him off, because they hadn’t told anyone yet so how could she possibly…
“That’s the point,” Eddie emphasises, “She doesn’t know I’m the reason you’re wandering around like a ghost and she asked me to fix it.”
“I’m not unhappy being with you, Eddie,” Buck flounders, but his partner isn’t having it.
“No, you’re not unhappy, you’re miserable,” and Eddie does finally look back towards him, face twisting like he’s trying his best at holding back tears. Buck feels his own eyes well up. He wants to interrupt, to deny the very thought, but suppresses the urge.
“I’m supposed to be making you happy. We’re supposed to be on our honeymoon phase, for god’s sake,” Eddie continues, voice breaking, “but instead… some days it’s like you can’t even look in my direction without withering away.”
“Eddie…” Buck tries to argue, but he doesn’t know what to say. Eddie takes his silence as confirmation, blinking rapidly to ward off the coming tears.
“I’m making you miserable, and every time I try to make it better, we end up fighting,” he laments.
“...That’s why you talked to Bobby,” Buck puts the pieces together. Eddie nods.
“You’ve been distracted,” he explains, “you can barely work out without hurting yourself, so I asked him to send you home.”
Buck closes his eyes, taking his time to think. When he opens them again, Eddie has his head on his hands, like…
“You’re expecting me to fight you over this,” Buck deducts. Eddie snorts.
“Aren’t you going to?” He questions, sardonic. Buck decides to switch tactics.
“I’m not miserable because of you, Eds, I just… I’ve been…” He sighs.
“There’s something my parents used to tell me when I was a kid,” he gulps. “I would get hurt a lot, as a child and they… Well, you know what they’re like. Whenever I ended up in the emergency room, they’d always say…”
Eddie turns his head to show he’s listening.
“I had to be better, because I’d never find someone to kiss over my every scrape,” he finishes, lamely. Eddie looks up, confused. Even though it feels like pulling teeth, Buck forces himself to explain.
“I’m just… I’ve never been good enough, for anyone. Some days I still wake up and think I somehow tricked my way into being loved, I don’t… I…” Against his wishes, some tears manage to make their escape. He turns fully toward Eddie and takes hold of his arm, needing him to understand.
“I trust you, more than anyone,” he continues through gritted teeth, “and I know you love me. I need you to know that I believe you-”
“I know, Buck,” Eddie says, covering his shaking hands with his own, like he’s starting to get it.
“-but there’s a difference in knowing something intellectually instead of just, I don’t know, feeling it in your bones, like certainty,” Buck finishes, practically sobbing now. Eddie squeezes his hand, gentle but firm. He’s crying too, now.
“You said nothing is going to stop you from loving me,” Eddie urges him, “so why can’t you believe nothing is going to stop me from loving you back?”
Buck hiccups, breath stuttering. “I don’t know,” he admits, crying in earnest.
“That’s okay,” Eddie says, reassuring, “you don’t have to know right now, it’s okay.” Buck nods, wiping his face free of tears and attempting to take even, measured breaths. They sit like that for a few minutes until, eventually, he calms down enough to speak again. Eddie holds his hand the entire time.
“I think I need to speak to someone,” he confesses, voice a bit gruff, “like a therapist.”
“Alright,” Eddie nods. “Alright, we can… we’ll figure it out.”
“I think…” Buck forces himself to keep going, shifting their hands so he’s the one holding Eddie’s, “I think you should, too.”
“Me?” Eddie looks taken aback.
“Eddie you… I’ve been, as you say, miserable and you just… assumed it was because of you. Like it was a fact of nature,” Buck explains. “I walked in here and you looked like we had already broken up and it was your fault. You didn’t ask me why I had been upset, you just… blamed yourself for it, immediately.”
“Buck, I don’t…” Eddie stutters.
“Eds…” Buck knows he needs to be careful with this. He looks at Eddie, measuring his reactions, “I think that, after Shannon… You’ve been carrying so much guilt with you that it makes it difficult for you to believe you deserve nice things,” Buck finishes, licking his lips.
Eddie, who’d visibly tensed up at the mention of his late wife, looks conflicted. “I’m not…”
“You are,” Buck cuts him off gently, “you’ve sacrificed so much already for other people’s sakes. You were ready to sacrifice us too, if you thought it’d make me happier.”
“You deserve to be happy, Buck,” he argues, feeble.
“So do you,” Buck emphasises, tightening his hold on Eddie’s hands, and sees the moment the fight drains out of him entirely.
“...Alright,” he agrees, “I’ll… talk to Frank, see if he can squeeze me in.”
Buck breathes out, relieved, “Okay.” Eddie suddenly looks hesitant.
“Are we… okay?”
Buck chuckles lightly, so completely fond of him it kind of hurts.
“We will be, Eds,” he replies, honestly, “we’re gonna be alright.”