Chapter Text
george's character is crouched on screen as he builds the foundation of his new house that he wanted to finish a few days ago but never did. he's been surprisingly busy with streaming and such recently, and it's rare that he has time to come on their little private realm - free of any roleplay or drama.
it's peaceful, but george doesn't ever really try to embrace that feeling. he doesn't like embracing any feelings, really, because then he gets this desire to communicate them and he can't.
it's not really important though. it's not like he doesn't have emotions just because he doesn't talk about them. they're still there, just... muted.
every high and every low feels like it's being held underwater, unable to release its full potential. every laugh is strangled, every tear is caught before it can fall. it all just feels unnatural to him, for some reason.
"i thought you were going to build us a train station."
george continues building across from one pillar to the other, partially distracted by the swirling of his own turbulent thoughts. "i'm going to but i wanna finish my house first," he explains to the blond. "i was going to do it last night but sap regressed and i was too busy with him."
he uncrouches, jumping down from the pillar and entering the shell of his future house to get more wood from the chest. george thinks they should seriously consider adding a tree-cutting mod.
"regressed?"
george initially hums in confirmation to the static voice that cracks through his headphones. then, barely half a second later, reality crashes on him and his body tenses, eyes widening and thoughts flushing away as he turns to look at the discord.
punz's discord icon flashes back in the vc.
"like, age regression?" the blond asks.
george just stares at the moving green ring as the other boy talks, and something tight curls in his chest, squeezing around his heart. his brain rushes with excuses, trying to explain his behaviour to himself. did he forget who he was talking to? did he think punz already knew?
"george?"
the brunette exits out of minecraft, ignoring punz's following question as he quickly drags his mouse to the adjacent monitor and exits the call.
fuck.
the brunette pushes back away from his desk, still in his chair, and drops his head into his hands.
fuck, fuck, fuck.
he was just so comfortable in the quiet call, building and existing with someone he loves, he wasn't thinking. it was like his brain switched off for the first time ever, and now he has fucked everything.
shit.
the sound of a sharp intake of breath startles george, even more so when he realises it was his own, which prompts him to notice the tightness in his lungs and the spots in his vision.
he takes another deep breath, sitting upright against the back of his gaming seat.
shit shit shit.
his knee begins to bounce on the spot, an anxious tick that he managed to stop years ago now, when a teacher at school asked him about it and he realised that she wanted him to talk about his feelings. george does just about anything he can to avoid those conversations, because they make him feel so viscerally uncomfortable, even if it means changing characteristics that he's had since he was barely a teen.
fucking shit.
he pushes up onto his feet, notices the shake in his legs, and sits back down.
what the fuck is he supposed to do?
it's so selfish of him to think of himself in this scenario, but he can't help but ponder for a solution that doesn't involve him baring his heart to someone: talking about his emotions, or how sorry he is, or how guilty he feels.
but it isn't possible. this isn't something he can avoid.
sapnap opened up to them about something huge last week and that has taken up so much of george's thoughts, he sort of forgot that the ravenette's regression was a secret too. it just seems like such a small thing compared to the other's trauma, since it's almost normal to them all now. now he's forced with the painful truth that it is a secret, one that the ravenette spent years trying to tell them, one that george just handed out at the drop of a hat without thought.
and it's so much worse because punz knew what it meant. maybe if he was clueless, george could've improvised some sort of elaborate lie to cover it - maybe he should've tried to do that anyway, but it's too late now.
regret douses him like cold water, and he sucks in another shaky breath and tries to force himself out of the past. there's no point trying to think over what he could've done differently. it's too late now.
damage control.
in a logical sense, george has always been good at fixing difficult situations. he almost always has a solution, and he considers himself good at giving advice.
not when it includes feelings.
in an emotional sense, george is absolutely clueless. if he could approach this with a straight head and fix the problem like a puzzle, it would be fine. but he can't. there are too many strings involved, and it's worse because some of those strings belong to him.
fuck.
how did punz know what it is anyway?
he didn't sound judgemental, which is good, but that is hardly going to make sapnap feel better about his coping mechanisms being exposed.
he looks at his dms and sees that there are none from the blond. what if he went straight to sapnap? what if he called the ravenette and already told him what george has done? what if, while he sits here overthinking, sapnap has already begun to hate him?
fuck!
george forces himself quickly up out of his chair and rushes down the hallway without a second thought, almost tripping over his own feet in an attempt to get there before punz can drop the bomb.
he doesn't even knock as he flings open sapnap's bedroom door and practically falls through it, his breathing still jagged from the unexpected emotions that burn through him. emotions which he refuses to acknowledge, because he hates them.
sapnap shoots up in shock at the intrusion, sitting up in his bed with wide eyes and red cheeks. "what happened?" he asks, seeming just as frantic as george feels.
so he doesn't know yet.
the brit tries to take a breath but it catches in his throat so he coughs it back out. "i'm so sorry," he blurts to preface, wanting the apology out there before he explains, so sapnap can go into this knowing that he is regretful.
the younger boy looks shocked for a moment, clearly not expecting the apology, since they are so rare from george, but then darkness morphs his features when he realises that this means it's something serious.
sorrow plants itself in george's gut and he feels sick, looking at the anxiety that marks his best friend's gentle features.
"i told punz."
sapnap sits up somehow even straighter than he already had, and his expression falls so blank that it's impossible for george to read anything from it.
"about your regression," he confesses, trying not to let any stray emotions slip into his tone. he doesn't want sapnap to feel bad for him, that would just affect sapnap's ability to make a fair judgement about how he feels. he shouldn't be forced to get over it because george is upset. "i'm so sorry, i wasn't thinking."
sapnap's shoulders relax slightly, but his expression remains eerily emotionless. george can see a reflection of himself in the untelling lines.
is this how he looks to everyone else, a blank slate in the face of adversity?
"i didn't tell him anything else," george adds, because he would understand why sapnap might assume that. "and i didn't even really say anything about the regression, i just said you were regressed but i didn't say what it meant or anything. when i realised what i'd said i just left the call."
sapnap nods slowly, and the gentle action is comforting to george. he's not screaming or crying or freaking out - at least, not on the outside. surely that's a good sign?
"what did he say?"
george swallows the lump in his throat, and it actually takes him a moment to remember. "he asked if i meant age regression. he must already know what it is, because i swear i only said you regressed."
"did he seem like...?" sapnap shrugs, seemingly unable to voice the end of his question.
george actually thinks it through, not wanting to lie, and then shakes his head. "he didn't seem like judgemental or anything. he asked like... like it was just another thing, you know? like, oh is sapnap eating dinner? sapnap likes green tea? sapnap age regressed?"
the ravenette's throat bobs on a swallow as he nods slowly. "okay, well... i guess that's okay then."
george deflates, his arms hanging aimlessly by his sides. "it is?"
sapnap shrugs. "i wanted him to know anyway so i guess this is easier..." he looks at george with a small, unsure smile. "if he seemed okay with it, i guess there's nothing to worry about."
george nods along, trying to convince himself of the same thing.
"plus he needed to know sooner or later if-" sapnap cuts himself off abruptly, his eyes going wide.
george squints back at the strange behaviour. "if what?"
"nothing," the ravenette dismisses with a wave.
george doesn't want to pry. sapnap clearly doesn't want to say, and he has caused enough damage.