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She was right there.
Shadow had thought he moved past his what had happened, but seeing them again he could barely imagine a future where he didn’t find a way to save them.
But now everything’s back to normal, he can almost regret helping out in white space, rushing things along, it hasn’t even been an hour and he wishes he was still in the past. Hasn’t he already learned his lesson? Hasn’t he already been living in the present or the future, or focusing on anything but what had happened on the ark? He was doing so good too.
He liked seeing Maria and Gerald again, he just wished it didn’t get to him like it did, or that he could’ve done something, anything. He feels just as hopeless as he felt in the escape pod before Maria sent him off. Shouldn’t the pain have lessened? It had already happened before! Why had it felt almost the same as the first time it had happened.
Shadow sulked under a tree at a distance from the remainder of Sonic’s birthday party. It had been close enough that rouge wasn’t on his case about it. Even if he did leave he doubts rouge would care he just… can’t.
Leaving would be admitting something was wrong. That he hadn’t changed at all, that the past still haunted him.
Had it?
That didn’t matter. Rouge wants him to move on. Maria wanted him to move on. So why can’t he? Why does he care what they think? Why is everything so… confusing?
He watched the party goers roam about. Amy running from place to place moving around plates and getting food for others in reach, probably trying to make sure everything is still neat. Later on knuckles sat at the food table a little away from the party, seeming oblivious to rouge who was behind him stealing food off his place when he wasn’t looking. Tails staying near sonic. They all seemed to smile while animatedly.
The party died down the later it got. The rush of the adventurer seemed like it was over but rough was still there chatting with an angry knuckles.
Sick of people watching shadow stares at the grass in front of him. Maria would be happy looking at it, and for a while that’s all he could think about.
His mind forcing him to imagine how she’d go off talking about the plants surrounding him, the grass, the tree, flowers, like they were the wonders of the world. Putting her hand in the soft grass and she could get him to smile, make anything seem like the best thing in the whole world.
But the grass made him feel nothing, nor did the tree or flowers.
Even knowing she’d find the beauty in these things didn’t make them any more special to him, maybe one day in another life, if he had gone to earth as intended, with Maria alive, hoping to find the deeper meaning of his purpose.
He had wanted to go to earth before, the memory was foggy but he had remembered longing to go there, thinking that if he did maybe he’d get the answers he needed. Now all he could think about is how he didn’t belong. The doubts leaking in his mind. Maria deserves to be here more than he ever did, even if it was for a short while.
He’s just… sitting under a tree trying to not be involved in a party. Maria deserves to be here! And for once shadow feels like she truly could’ve been here!
“Surprised you’re still here shadow” a chuckle from the one and only blue hedgehog comes from beside him. Shadow wonders how he hadn’t heard sonic come over here.
“What do you want.” Shadow didn’t look at him. He focused on getting out the words without letting anything slip.
“You’re the one at my party dude” sonic points out, making himself comfortable sitting beside shadow “honestly didn’t think you’d come”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Shadow glared at him, he promised rouge he would come, even if he didn’t want to. Was sonic suggesting he didn’t keep his promises?
“I know it’s not your thing” sonic shrugged. “Chill I meant nothing bad about it”
Of course he hadn’t. Shadow should’ve known.
Shadow didn’t respond, just staring at the grass in front of him. Sonic hadn’t either. Shadow turned about to ask sonic what his deal was, but words were lost on his tongue.
Sonic was leaned back on the tree, like it was the most comfortable thing in the world, smiling as he looked at the distance.
He looked… content. Shadow couldn’t describe it if he wanted to, but the joy in Sonic’s eyes at just looking at nature had been the same he imagined Maria would have. Even if he sees it everyday, of course he’d think that these simple things were the best on this world.
Shadow felt dull beside him. Maria had been able to share with him that same joy, make him understand, now he just couldn’t. The world was bland, and even knowing what Maria would say didn’t help him in anyway. When Maria had returned the world felt bright again, vibrant. Now it’s ripped way. Then sonic, sitting beside him, could effortlessly see that wonder he had only felt beside her.
Shadow felt upset.
Angry even. How come sonic could sit here and understand the beauty of his surroundings, how come he got to have a fun adventure!
Maria didn’t want him to be angry, but he still felt it, still failed her.
the anger had dripped away at the thought. To a deep sorrow.
“So what were you up too?” Sonic asked, light. Rouge obviously hasn’t told him anything, he feels grateful for that “other then getting beat by me of course” sonic smiles.
“I didn’t- I could’ve-“ shadow immediately stumbles over his words to defend himself, only to sound more like a lier. He took a deep breath in and out “you didn’t beat me.” He wasn’t a lier, he just wasn’t going to use his doom powers on sonic, why would he?
Sonic gave him a look “uh huh” he nods “right, how could I forget, you oh so generously gave me that chaos emerald as a birthday present” Sonic says sarcastically, rolling his eyes, but still with a smile.
“Sure, whatever. I let you win”
“Well thanks for the boost in my ego, couldn’t have asked for a better birthday gift” sonic laughs.
Shadow feels embarrassed, but he wasn’t wrong! He did let him win.
“Yeah.”
“So…. You didn’t answer my question?”
Shadow closed his eyes. He really didn’t want to do this. But whatever, he’ll share to get sonic off his back. “Black doom came back”
“Oh wow! How’d he manage that?”
“I’m not too sure myself.” Shadow confessed.”he’s gone now… again.”
“Eyy good work shadow!” Sonic smiled at him “… huh maybe you’re right about letting me win”
“…what?”
“I mean I had all the chaos emeralds, so if you were able to defeat him without one, that’s impressive”
Shadow felt slight embarrassment at the fact he did have one chaos emerald, but he’d rather die than confess that. “I’m just better like that” okay, so maybe he was a lier.
Either way sonic laughs “how about we race now?! No holding back”
Sonic seriously wants a race after that? “Absolutely not”
“Huh? Why” sonic looks confused.
“‘M tired”
“I thought the ‘ultimate life form’ didn’t get tired?” Sonic tried to rile him up, and on any other day it would’ve gotten to him.
Shadow didn’t respond just looking at the grass.
“You uh…. Okay shadow?” He was still smiling, but there was a bit of concern on his face.
Words refused to exist shadows mouth, he knows he should have responded, he should’ve squandered any doubt that sonic would ever have to think him not alright, but he just… couldn’t.
Sonic tensed “…shadow?”
Shadow nodded. That’s all he could do.
Sonic didn’t seem to believe his answer. “Are… you uh… sure?” He sounded awkward, and shadow could almost laugh at it, but he was too worried if he did anything else he’d break down. “It’s okay if you’re not” sonic suggested half heartedly.
Shadow didn’t want to be here. But he put a hand on his face and a second later sat up “I’m fine sonic.”
Sonic gave him a look that shadow couldn’t read, and didn’t care too. “You want a hug?”
“What did I just say hedgehog?”
“You can be okay and still want a hug!” Sonic defense himself. “If you give me the silence treatment again I’m gonna take it as a yes”
“Do whatever you please.”
“You can’t say that to a yes or no question man”
“I can do whatever I want” shadow crosses his arms.
“Shadow.”
“Fine, you may hug me” shadow looks away.
Sonic giggles, but leans in for a hug, shadow turns to him so he cannot see his face. Regrettably, it was nice. “Maria hugged me a lot”
“You can get more hugs you just need to ask dude” at this shadow froze, he hadn’t meant to say that out loud.
“Sure…” shadow said mindlessly, still somewhat embarrassed. The hug continues, and shadow couldn’t help a few tears from falling, he tried to hide it, he was over Maria, or that’s what everyone thinks, that’s what he has to be, he didn’t wish to get a lecture about living in the past from sonic.
There no way sonic didn’t notice, and he didn’t say a word.