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They finish their beers in silence, and when their empty bottles are on the couch table next to each other, Buck finally leans back on the couch, letting out a sigh.
Eddie turns his head, cheek against the backrest, and watches as Buck stares straight ahead for another minute.
It’s obvious that they’ve both had quite a night, but he doesn’t want to press Buck, and he knows that he’s gonna start talking when he’s ready. He watches Buck’s knee bounce, and when his gaze slides back up to Buck’s face, he’s biting his lip, eyebrows drawn in a frown.
Eddie just keeps sitting next to him, watching him.
Eventually, Buck blows out another breath, and, without looking at Eddie, says, “Tommy dumped me.”
“What?” Eddie asks, surprised. “For real this time?”
Buck glares at him. “Yeah, Eddie. I even asked him to make sure.”
“I just– thought things were going well.”
“So did I,” Buck says, and he sounds agitated. “H-he said he didn’t see it coming either.”
“Then what happened?” Eddie asks. “Weren’t you gonna go on a date? Wait– you wanted to tell him about the Abby thing, right? Was that it?”
“Well– no. Not completely.” Buck groans and rubs at his forehead. “I–I told him about that and he thought it was awkward but he seemed okay with it? But then– then I asked him to move in with me and–”
“Buck,” Eddie interrupts, and he’s trying not to laugh. “You didn’t! Didn’t you learn anything from me? You’ve been dating for six months!”
“It’s not funny,” Buck whines. “I just thought– we have– were having a good time together. And he’s been so great through the whole figuring myself out, he made me feel so, um, so secure in my sexuality, you know?”
“Well, you’re not any less bisexual if you’re not dating him,” Eddie shrugs. “So I guess he didn’t feel the same way, then?”
“Kind of?” Buck turns on the couch and pulls one of his legs up. His knee nudges Eddie’s thigh, and Eddie is suddenly very aware that he’s not wearing pants. “He–he said he can’t move in with me because he already knew we were gonna break up eventually. Isn’t that crazy? He said that I was still figuring myself out and that I–I was gonna break his heart eventually. Wh–why would he think he knows what I want better than me?”
Eddie, who doesn’t have to dig deep to imagine the vaguely condescending tone Tommy often speaks with, doesn’t say anything.
“How would he “know how this ends”?” Buck asks, with what Eddie thinks is an impression of Tommy. “You can’t know unless you try!”
“Maybe he was trying to save himself from the pain,” Eddie says diplomatically. When Buck frowns again, he sighs. “Look, obviously I’m on your side here, and it sucks if he was never fully in the relationship the way you were. Can’t say I haven’t done the same thing but– anyway. Did you love him?”
“N– I– Mayb– I think I could’ve eventually. Why does everyone ask me that?” Eddie raises his eyebrows. “Josh, when I was talking to him and Maddie.”
“Hm,” Eddie says. “Okay, I know it’s hypocritical of me to say, but maybe you were a bit premature to ask him to move in, then. But maybe it’s for the best, since you found out that you clearly had different expectations.”
And also, Eddie thinks a little guiltily, because it means that he no longer has to share Buck with Tommy. It’s not that he dislikes Tommy, not really, but he doesn’t think he’d have spent this much time with him after the first shine wore off if it weren’t for the fact that he was dating Buck. And sometimes, Eddie’s choice was between seeing Buck and Tommy, or not seeing Buck at all. That’s never been a difficult choice.
But Eddie never really knew how to tell Buck that he stopped wanting to be Tommy’s friend very shortly after they started dating. He hasn’t been able to figure out the why – beyond the fact that a lot of what Tommy said and did suddenly rubbed him the wrong way – himself.
“Maybe,” Buck says. “But it’s still not fair.”
“No,” Eddie agrees, because he gets why Buck feels this way right now. And then they sit in silence with their second beer each.
Buck’s knee remains pressed against Eddie’s thigh, and Eddie is still weirdly aware of it. He tries not to look, but whenever he glances down, he gets that weird shivery feeling he can never really place.
But at the same time– he enjoys it, enjoys being close to Buck, enjoys the way they can comfortably sit in silence together and make each other feel better.
He thinks of what Father Brian said, that he’s denying himself joy, and makes the conscious decision to let himself have this. If he wants to be close to Buck, he can be.
He lets his forearm brush Buck’s shoulder as he places his elbow on the backrest and smiles a little when Buck doesn’t move away.
They stay like that, silent, connected in two places, for a long time.
“So,” Buck says eventually, when they’ve finished the sixpack. He gives Eddie an obvious once-over, and Eddie feels his ears burn. “What were you up to tonight?”
“I…was doing a thing,” he says. “It’s a long story.”
“I have time,” Buck shrugs. “Don’t really feel like going home tonight, anyway.”
“Couch is yours, if you want it,” Eddie offers. “As always.”
Buck gives him a smile and rubs his hands on his thighs. “Thanks.”
His pinky brushes against Eddie’s bare knee, and something in Eddie’s stomach jolts. He clears his throat.
“Uh, so, anyway, have you seen Risky Business ? The Tom Cruise movie?” Unsurprisingly, Buck shakes his head. “Well, there’s a scene in it where he dances around the house with no pants on. So– I was doing that.”
Buck stares at him. “...why?”
Eddie laughs. “That’s where the long story comes in. You sure you wanna hear it?”
“Obviously,” Buck says. “I always wanna hear your stories. A–and– you seem…different tonight. So if that has anything to do with it– I want to know.”
“Okay.” Eddie can relate to that, can’t remember a time where he may not have wanted to hear Buck’s thoughts. “So I was just driving the other day, when I saw this church. And I thought, hell, nothing else has worked, why shouldn’t I just go in and try praying, right? And while I was sitting there, I saw someone come out of the confessional, so I just– didn’t even really make the decision, but suddenly, I was sitting in there, for the first time since Middle School.”
He glances over at Buck, who’s listening with rapt attention and zero judgment, and thinks of Father Brian again, his list of things Eddie has reason to be joyful about. Buck, Eddie thinks, definitely belongs on it.