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Five days after setting the little boat to sail, Solace had a session alone with Sagaad. The paladin and wizard used Jaheira's office above ground while Astarion found himself pacing in the grotto and waiting for his partner to return. Halsin, with his new limbs still awkward and unsteady, stumbles and steadies himself on his cane while trying to join the vampire’s path. Astarion finds himself catching the elf on instinct. The massive elf's body braced on arms that would have been unable to support the man’s bulk two weeks ago. It’s been interesting and a little alarming to discover what his weakened spawn body had been missing for two hundred years. Cazador had barely kept them functioning and made them praise him for his kindness. Bastard.
“You are pacing like you await news from a healer, Astarion. What troubles your mind?” Halsin jokes, smiling as he resettles on his feet. The druid smiles like the sun and Astarion finds himself returning the expression. It’s warm and kind, and Halsin can get to Solace if they need him. It’s only him who is trapped below on a sunny day.
“I… don’t really know.” The vampire confesses, brow and lips frowning. He has only a writhing sensation of mild panic coursing through him that demands he do something. Solace is most likely safe upstairs and having a perfectly fine time talking about what they remember of their life. Astarion feels his eyes widen when a thought crosses his mind. He stands frozen mid step, thoughts racing.
Solace only has a few months of clear memory. Most of what they would discuss with Sagaad is how they got together. How all of this madness unfolded. Him pressuring Solace into bed with him all those times even though they did not want him like that. Solace had said they forgave him, but what if the half-orc convinced them he had manipulated them?
A big, warm, gentle thumb wipes away a tear from his cheek and he is gently pulled into a warm, entirely encompassing hug. Halsin breathes deeply, pressing the vampire’s head to his chest and kissing his brow.
“What if they tell Sagaad what I did to them, Halsin?” He moans into his chest, scared and shaking. The possibility of Sagaad telling Solace that he’s dangerous is terrifying. It’s abhorrent. He needs to tell the woman exactly what happened before she poisons his beloved paladin against him.
“Do you truly believe that Solace would misrepresent you, Astarion?” The druid queries, letting the vampire pull away from the embrace while making it clear that the druid very much wanted to comfort him. It’s sweet, but it is not what he needs. He needs to get to Solace and Sagaad.
“It’s not them I’m afraid of. It’s her. What if she doesn’t listen and believes I raped them willingly? That I am forcing them to stay with me? What if she tells clerics about me?” If Halsin responds, Astarion doesn’t hear it as he sprints away, only barely aware that Halsin’s plodding metal steps are following him faster than last week.
Astarion is halfway up the stairs towards Jaheira’s office when he hears the hidden door click open and an emotional chuckle reach his ears.
“I’m certain he will understand, Sagaad, but I want to tell him what I need before assuming anything. Hold on.” Solace descends the stairs with their prosthetic right hand skimming over the wall; sunlight reflecting off the metal and dancing on the ceiling and walls. He can feel a speck of light cross his cheek; a sting of radiant light buzzing under his skin. His expression contorts in pain and his paladin inhales sharply before pulling their arm into the shadow of their body.
“Darling I wasn’t expecting you to be right here, I would have covered the arm if I thought… are you okay? You look… manic.” Solace’s voice and touch is warm and kind, but it does nothing to calm him. He heard what they had said to Sagaad. They were going to tell him something he didn’t want to hear.
“I’m fine.” He lies to the person he loves most, watching their eyebrow raise and lips press thin. Their flesh hand takes his and they squeeze his fingers.
“Astarion,” They request, calm and collected, but slightly irritated. He can’t even be mad at them about that. He isn’t sure why he can’t explain what he’s feeling.
“I’m not stupid. You’re upset, and I need to know what’s wrong. Would it help if you knew why I came down early?”
“Yes.” Please, gods, let this be anything but what he thinks it is.
“I want to have you join my session with Sagaad so you can tell her what Cazador did to you. If you’re willing.”
“What?” His head is spinning. Why would they want to make him speak of his enslavement to the half-orc? What would that help? Did they already tell the woman of the many times Solace let him use them? Is the paladin hoping to give context for the violence he knows he committed against his beloved?
Solace, perhaps wisely, does not elaborate while he is frozen in confusion. His hands shake at the prospect. He doesn’t want to do this. He doesn’t want to have the woman see him weak and wretched. He’s had enough of that for several lifetimes.
“Wh-why would you ask this of me?” His voice is a whisper, his eyes not able to meet his love’s gaze. They know he would like to forget everything he’s been forced to survive. He would prefer to never think of it again.
Solace’s hands touch his chin and jaw; gentle and warm, even with the metal and wood on their right hand.
“I ask because I need to understand myself. Understand me. Understand us. And I do not want to say anything to Sagaad that you do not want her to know. If you want to tell her, I would appreciate it greatly. If you do not, I understand. I will not tell her anything without your consent.”
He wants to tell them no. He can feel it on his tongue; the desire to never tell anyone what happened to him and his siblings. He shouldn’t have to talk about it. He’s free now. He’s fine.
“Wh-what does my past have to do with you?” He doesn’t see it. Solace is fine. Perfectly fine talking about themself with Sagaad and they have come away with an air of self peace.
“I want to talk about how we met. How we came to care for each other. That is a difficult subject to speak on without alluding in the slightest to what you experienced from Cazador. And if I may be so bold, I think it would help to have you talk to someone who has experience in helping abuse victims recover.”
“I am not a victim.” He snaps at them; suddenly angry. He momentarily glares at Solace; their expression surprised before growing hurt. The vampire does not apologize. He doesn’t want to.
“I am free, Solace. I am not a victim. You are not a victim, darling. You do not need to believe every word that woman tells you.” He feels his anger rise and he steps away from his partner, needing more space than they had given him.
“Why would speaking on it fix anything? I was enslaved for two hundred years and talking about it just as I am enjoying the limited freedom I have is not going to make me feel better. I… know you want to help, but no. I don’t want to tell her. You can tell her whatever you want.” He isn’t sure what was true in that or what was a lie. He would be breathing heavily if he had lungs that worked properly. He hates this. He abhors this. If he understands what they said, Solace has not mentioned what he had coerced them into. Sagaad does not know he forced them to have sex with him to make him feel safe. That’s good. He can potentially explain that he is not a monster by choice.
Solace doesn’t respond for a moment. They stand with their arms crossed across their chest. Protective, uncomfortable in his presence. He exhales and presses on his temples.
“I… I’m sorry, Solace. I just… I don’t know if this is a good idea.”
“I know.” The paladin sighs, expression tense. The paladin continues, prosthetic fingers pressing on their temple. It looks almost natural.
“I am not going to tell her anything, Astarion, I came down here so I could know if you were willing to tell her yourself. The same way I expect you not to tell anyone about my bloodline, I’d expect you to want privacy as well.” Solace is too kind. Too good. He doesn’t deserve them. Especially when all they wanted was to know if he was willing to talk. They did not demand he do this. They were asking his permission.
Astarion closes his eyes and takes a long, useless breath, and exhales slowly, the pungent scent of Jaheira’s subterranean grotto grating.
“I don’t know if I can talk about it, Solace. Almost especially with you and Halsin in the room.” This, at least, is completely true. He feels nothing but utter terror at the idea of his partners hearing from his own mouth the darkest things he’s ever endured. He does not need pity. He doesn’t want it. He wants them to keep treating him like they have been. Not a broken boy as he so often feels when he thinks of Cazador.
He does not want to feel the weight of hatred from Solace and Halsin when he speaks of the times he raped his partner.
“I understand, Astarion. And you don’t have to do it now. You can if you want to, but you don’t need to. I just had to ask or get your permission before I said anything to Sagaad. Do I have your permission to say that you are considering talking to her alone?”
He gives them the ability to do so. He will consider it. That is all he will countenance for now. The paladin looks at him with a critical eye for a moment, their breath catching as they come to a conclusion that seems to cause them pain.
“Astarion,” They breathe, careful and worried, silver flame eye and the glassy prosthetic studying him.
“I have to ask before I go. Because of my aversion to sex, do you still believe that you raped me? You haven’t been this way since the shadowlands. Please tell me what is going through your head.”
Astarion feels naked and vulnerable, and all he can do is shakily nod. He isn’t certain if he appreciates his partner’s ability to see through him. His eyes are wide and he is scared. The shame he feels is real. He’s buried this guilt so many times since that first talk in the now shadow-free lands.
“I- I don’t understand why you would let me touch you if you didn’t want it. I… I so often had to let others use me, Solace. I know the feeling of hatred and revulsion doing so creates. I am haunted by the idea that you feel that for me because I hurt you.”
A warm hand gently takes his fingers and presses them to hot lips; a chaste, gentle touch that sends radiating warmth through his chest.
“I understand your fear, Astarion. I believe this is a good reason to have your talk to Sagaad. If you are uncomfortable with speaking about this to me, she is very good at listening to subjects like this.” Silver and glassy eye hold his gaze as they speak their next words.
“I told you before, and I will remind you as often as you need; you did not rape me. You did not hurt me. I would not have let you touch me if I did not want you to. Do you believe that I would tell you to stop if I wanted you to?”
“Yes.” He does. They have done it before.
“What does that mean for the times we have had sex?”
“You wanted me. You were not… I did not rape you.”
Solace smiles and nods, pressing his fingers to their lips once more. He feels a bit of tension leave him. He doesn’t understand how Solace cannot desire him sexually but have allowed him to touch them, but he trusts that when they have coupled, they were not unwilling.
“Please consider speaking with Sagaad, Astarion. You deserve peace of mind. And you do not have to see her ever again if you do not want to.”
Astarion nods and promises to think about it. The paladin has benefitted from the half-orc’s professional help. Maybe it would be useful to try a session.
“You should go back to your session. I have to… think.”
Solace walks back upstairs and Astarion returns to lurking in the shadows. He hates being trapped down here during the day. He wants to be with his partners. It’s not fair.
“I wanted to walk in the sun with you.” He whispers after the paladin, hands flexing as emotion builds within him.
“Gale has told me that he is working on discovering what radiance of the sun will harm you. He believes that he may be able to create a spell or potion to protect you.” Halsin tells him, lumbering up the grotto path. Astarion had completely forgotten the druid was down here; as he had been so worried about losing Solace to Sagaad’s fears.
Oh gods, what had the druid heard? Did the elf think the vampire a monster as well? The druid did not look ready to burn him to a crisp.
“I can pretend to have heard nothing if you would prefer, but I did hear your fears and I agree with Solace. You are not a monster, Astarion.” Halsin asserts, hazel eyes steady as the heartbeat in his chest. The man is not lying as he walks up the slope of the grotto.
The elf is steady, and his gait is a careful swagger on level ground. He’s adapting well, and Astarion is relieved. He has been worried about the man, but he supposes he should not have been overly concerned. The man was himself a healer; he knew how to adapt to his limbs even if he had been frustrated and scared at the beginning. The elf has made incredible progress and it nearly makes Astarion cry. Hearing that Gale has apparently taken up a project to shield him from the sun and the knowledge that Halsin does not think him a beast does make him cry.
Halsin embraces the vampire and kisses his temples. It’s warm and chaste and loving, and there is something unspeakably intimate in this moment. The druid just holds him for a moment and neither man moves for a time; only the sound of the druid’s heartbeat and breathing exists in the chamber.
Halsin smells of oak and earth; warm and powerful and eternal. The elf is designed for nature and woodland spaces. And he is underground because he wants to be with him. Astarion believes that Halsin loves him. He doesn’t know why the elf would, but he is grateful. If Astarion were going to love someone other than Solace, it might be Halsin. He has always had an appreciation for people bigger than him, and Halsin is huge.
“Thank you for being here, Halsin.” No more words can make it out of his mouth before his throat tightens and a warm sob wants to escape. Halsin exhales over his curls and steps somehow even closer to him. There is scarcely any space between them.
“There is nowhere else I wish to be.”