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Daisy knew she was in a nightmare.
It's almost always the same, this night of hers. She couldn't drag herself from it, no matter how she tried to control her dreams. This nightmare of hers has haunted her, hunted her like a demon digging and dragging its claws inside her mind. Even at her weakest moments, Daisy feels this nightmare is a punishment for past failures, sins, and transgressions. She believed in the gods of the dead and spirits. So her dreams and nightmares must be tied to somebody, something in the fade.
Daisy's nightmare starts the same.
She's walking the streets of Nevarra on her way home from school. It's their yearly break, during which the students can visit their families. The sun is shining on a happy day. There's a blue sky above her, and a few civilians she passed greeted her with a kind hello. The city is quiet and peaceful, but Daisy notices the never-ending street. The route she always took on her way home passed a bakery with the most mouth-watering pastries. The dress shop next to the alleyway was run by a woman who helped Daisy fix her mourn watcher apprentice robes. The same people say hello to her, the same ring of a shop store, and the same bang of a crate being dropped in the alleyway. The beginning always lulls her in with a false sense of safety, like a thin vale drapped over her eyes to the truth.
Dark clouds then roll overhead. A tremendous, large boom shatters the peace.
Skeletal hands emerge from the ground. Their skin was plucked, and they clung to the bones beneath. Dirty, disgusting fingers wrapped around any part of Daisy they could take hold of, their nails digging into her skin. The smell of decay Daisy has smelt before is nothing compared to the scent that invades her nose. The hands grip her tight as they suddenly start to drag her down under the ground into a black abyss. Daisy screams, but no one helps her; only the sound of sadistic laughter echoes the heavens above her. No one ever comes to save her.
Daisy kneels before faceless mourn watchers, their gold jewelry gleaming on their green, purple cloaks. As always, she begs and pleads to be released and that what they were doing wasn't right. They smile, laugh, and jeer at her. Pathetic. You are always thinking of yourself and sucking up to the professors. No, that's a lie. She worked hard in her studies. Professors admired her hard work ethic due to her stern upbringing from her mother. You are nothing, worse than nothing. No, no, that's not true. You try so hard to be human, to be an elf, but you are nothing more than a mutt. A dog. A weed. No wonder you were left alone to die. Not a mutt. Not a weed. Just half of two different wholes.
" Please! I won't tell anyone! "
Wrong words to say when you are up against people who hold power over you.
" You can't do this?! What have I ever done to you?!"
Mutt-weed. If you want to be a human so bad. We can make you one.
Screams and cries. Pulling and tearing. Slicing and sawing. Burning and stinging. Daisy felt cold hands hold her down as she cried. She tried to kick and claw her way, but they held her firm. The laughter continued to echo, and it echoed so loudly. Then, the world went silent. Daisy remained where she was on the floor, quivering as, one by one, the figures above her disappeared until one remained. Broken, wretched thing you are. Mutt-weed. What would the righteous mourn watch want with you ? Broken? Was she broken now? Daisy's hands covered her bleeding, stinging ears, eyes locked on the feet of the figure above her. You should have just stayed silent. Remained quiet as the grave. Dead and buried. Dead with your mother.
" Please...I want to go home."
The figure above her faded into the abyss around her, leaving her on the ground. Then, the jingle of chains and the click of a lock. Daisy would then find herself in an unfamiliar room. Iron chains infused with lyrium held her down to the wooden table under her. The smell, Maker the smell, would make anyone hurl if they walked in—the smell of burnt flesh, rotting meat, and dampness. It was a hopeless room with no light, life, or escape. Days turned to weeks to months to years in the blink of an eye, and yet only a few days would pass on the outside of the single iron door. Tears and cries for help did her no such luck where she was.
The one who controlled her fate had knives for fingers, cold and sharp. They dug, dug, pinched, pulled, saw, slashed, and hacked away at Daisy little by little. Squelching and squeaking of organs removed and replaced. She wasn't really there anymore, but she was there at one point. Laying on that table, numb to all the feelings around her, she shut everything away.
One little emotion remained; a tiny flame flickered secretly deep within her.
Daisy watched for what felt like hours. This is how it usually ends, her nightmare—watching her being tortured, taunted, teased, and tempted to just give in. Allow the swirling voices to jump into her body. Accept the deals they offered in response to her pain. The one who held her down screamed at her to accept deals and offers made to her. Wanting to watch her transform into someone, something more significant. More powerful.
Daisy wouldn't. She couldn't.
Something was wrong with this nightmare. Someone else was in the room with her, watching, taking in her pain with a look of pure pity. He approached the table, hands behind his back as he looked down upon her. No, no, this was wrong. He was not here before and should not be here now. Why was he here?
" You're dreaming. This is a nightmare ." The voice was muffled and faint. He removed one hand from his back, but before he could raise it any higher, a glowing hand shot out with a firm grip, eyes glowing in cerulean color.
" GET OUT ."
The world was right again, and Daisy was awake. She panted and tried to control her breathing, but it was more challenging than usual. Each intake felt like someone was squeezing her lungs tightly. Daisy rolled off the chaise lounge couch in her room, the coldness of the floor grounding her slowly. She could still feel hands over her, wandering and roaming while the chain around her neck and wrists stilled any movement. There was no chain, of course, but she could still feel it; it was still here. Daisy got to her feet and staggered to the mirror beside her wardrobe. Green eyes reflected at her, slowly moving down her neck and chest.
A large linear mark sat around her neck. The faint impression of a chainlink could be made from it; however, it faded into a deep red color with time. Similar marks were on her wrists and ankles as well. Sweat dripped from her face as Daisy found that she couldn't breathe in her clothing. Stripping them off, she felt herself slowly becoming unconstricted. Once freed, the tears she was trying so hard to hold back broke. A pillow muffled her screams and cries as she released everything that she had been feeling the past few days.
Failure
Failure
Failure
"Quiet!" Daisy yelled at the voices around her, slamming her hands to the ground. Butterflies emerged from the release of magic, but they seemed shakey and erratic. The voices shattered into a quiet hum of the fade. The objects on the shelves rattled for a few seconds before becoming still.
The nightmare was punishment for not saving Minrathous. For not saving the Shadow Dragons. For not being there for Neve. For failing an entire city to die.
Daisy had never felt more like a failure when Davrin and her arrived in Minrathous to see that the city was burning from Venatori's control. Lucanis stayed behind in Treviso to help the Crows contain the fires raging in their city. Still, it was nothing compared to the damage caused by Minrathous's dragon. Blight raged rampantly, as did the Venatori cheering below them. Neve was angry at her and couldn't even look Daisy in the eye, but Tarquin wanted to take her head clean off. Of course, he made a snide comment that someone who spends so much time with the dead could hardly feel empathy for the living. Neve said nothing, and that hurt even worse. Only Viper spoke in her defense, and it was a shaky one.
Daisy made a choice. There was no going back now.
After her throat was sore from screaming and more than a dozen butterflies were floating around her room, Daisy had the energy to get up. Tossing on a simple dress in the mourn watch colors, she left the room searching for something to help her settle.
"You alright, kid?" Daisy turned to see Varric heading into the infirmary with a cup in his hand.
"I'm alright, Varric. Just...a nightmare." Daisy tried her best to smile at him, but it didn't quite reach her eyes as they usually do.
"Want to talk about it?"
"Maybe later. I'm just running to the kitchen for something."
"Well, alright then. You know where to find me if you need to talk." Varric gave her a smile and a wink. "You got this kid."
"Thank you, Varric. I will see you later. Pleasant dreams." Daisy passed by Varric, touching his shoulder before descending the steps with a soft pat. The walk to the kitchen felt like miles, each step as if she was sinking further into the mud. Her head felt like it was underwater, and her eyes hurt from the crying. Inside the kitchen, it was warm and inviting as always. The fire was still going; the fade continuously allowed it to burn. Off in the corner was the small nook where Lucanis and Bellara cooked for everyone. Daisy pitched in occasionally, but she mainly did the chore of making desserts for everyone. It was a calming, relaxing chore where she didn't have to worry about the gods trying to take control of Thedas. If it brought any small amount of joy to her team, she was grateful for it.
Although the kitchen area wasn't as big as her home, finding the tea she was looking for still took her a second. The tea was held in a small wooden box, but it always moved around with the amount of coffee Lucanis would purchase. Perhaps it was the headache sitting behind her eyes, but her foot caught the leg of the side table, jostling it roughly that a cup was knocked to the floor, shattering. The cup Lucanis was currently favored to use almost every day. Daisy couldn't stop the tears from flowing as she fell to the floor, trying her best to find every piece. Maybe she could mend them with magic, but she lied.
"God's dammit," Daisy cursed at herself. It was another mistake—there were always more mistakes—and now Lucanis would see what a mess she was. She wiped the few stray tears that fell as she gathered the pieces she could see. "Fuck."
"Rook? Daisy?" Daisy refused to look at the voice that had called to her. She knew who it was and it was the last person she wanted to see at that moment. "Are you alright? I heard a noise."
"I'm sorry," Daisy said in a shaky voice, but she couldn't bring herself to look at him. "I caught the table and did not see the cup. It went flying, and I am so sorry."
"It's alright, Daisy, it's just a cup." Lucanis's knees came into view as he knelt next to her.
"It's your favorite cup that you always use. If that one is dirty, you use the one that's dark blue, but that one is Neve's." Daisy took a look at the pile in front of her. Minrathous looks just like the cup on the floor, in pieces.
"You know my favorite cup?" Lucanis tried to hide the surprise in his voice, but the tone had a slight hinge.
"Everyone has a favorite cup." Daisy sniffled. "Harding's the one with leaves; Neve's is the dark blue one with swirls. Davrin hasn't picked on yet, but I'm betting on the silver tankard one that no one uses. Bellara is the intricate one, but she secretly uses everyone else when no one is looking. Mine has a Nevarran beetle on it, and yours is this purple one with gold. Was this one." Daisy looked up for the first time at Lucanis; he was dressed in a simple pair of linen pants and a shirt. The dark circles under his eyes clearly show that he hasn't slept. If he woke up because of her...
Daisy gave a sad sign and cast her eyes back to the ground.
A hand came out to rest on hers, still cradling the shattered pieces in her hands. Daisy closed her eyes and stared at the floor until the hand removed the pieces. Lucanis gathered up the broken shards as Daisy remained where she was. The room was silent except for the movement that Lucanis made. It was deafening to Daisy, and she just wanted the fade to swallow her up. Inside Lucanis's head, Spite whispered that the woman on the floor smelled weak and pitiful . He also mentioned words of tears, fade, and honeysuckle, but he ignored those.
"Did I make the right decision, Lucanis?" Lucanis stilled his movements to listen to the whisper that was uttered. He wasn't sure if he had heard her, so he tilted his head toward her. "Leaving Minrathous to burn?"
"Do you regret saving Treviso?" Lucanis tried to keep his tone even, but inside, he wanted to question her—why she was questioning herself. She saved the city that he loved and the people within it. When he saw her in the courtyard, he was stunned that she was really there. Immediately, she asked about the situation and how she could help. Daisy didn't even look fearful in the face of the dragon when she was facing it down.
" If you want it, come and claim it!" Daisy shouted at Ghilan'nain when the blighted god demanded the dagger. The city would have been so much worse if she hadn't come.
Now...
Now, she looked so small.
"Of course not!" Daisy looked at him with a sad, stern expression. "Treviso has waterways that could spread across Antiva, affecting so much more. I thought-" Daisy clenched her hands into tight fists, "I thought that if any city had a better fighting chance, it would be Minrathous. They have magic cannons, for the Maker's sake! But...you weren't with us when we arrived, Lucanis."
"Harding told me some of what Bellara and her did."
"It was that and so much more. I could hear the screams from where I met with Neve. The Viper took a claw in the gut and is now infected with the blight. Neve was so angry with me that I abandoned her city. And Tarquin..." Daisy chuckled briefly, "Taquin wanted to take my head then and there. All but threatened that if I did more damage to the Shadow Dragons, the Venatori would be the least of my concerns. Neve didn't even step in when he all but shoved me to the ground to make a point. Some leader I am to get tossed like that."
"He attacked you?!" Lucanis felt the anger at her bubble up towards a new target now. He looked down at Daisy to see her smiling softly at him.
"Coming to my rescue? Little late for that." She shook her head. "No point now; what's done is done. Honestly, Tarquin was mainly upset that Viper was the one who got hurt. I always saw a certain fondness between them when we were there, so...if they are together, then I understand the anger. Seeing someone we love hurt or even beyond help. I would have done the same thing."
"You're not mad that he shoved you to the ground and all but blamed you for what's going on?"
"My actions did release the gods, Lucanis. I have to take some responsibility for it even if Solas is the core problem." Daisy shuffled and got to her feet. "I'm sorry if I woke you up, Lucanis. I was looking for some tea before trying to fall back asleep."
"You didn't wake me; I wasn't sleeping." Lucanis threw the shards away and put the kettle on the stove. "Please, sit. I'll make you something."
"Lucanis, you don't have to do that. I can take care of it myself." Daisy moved forward, but Lucanis held up his hand.
"Please, allow me. It's the least I can do to show how thankful I am for you coming to aid Treviso." Lucanis ignored Spite's words of how pathetic he sounded, but that didn't matter to him. When Daisy smiled at him, the warmth that bloomed in his chest was worth it. Lucanis got to work while Daisy took a seat at the table. It was strange seeing their leader dressed so simply. Usually her hair is neatly styled but it was in disarray. Her dress was simple and plain compared to her mourn watcher armor with gold accents. And her feet were bare. "Teia sends a thank you to you, by the way. She never got the chance back in Treviso before you took off."
"I couldn't have the Seventh Talon dying by falling balcony. That's too tragic. Viago would also be very upset." Daisy said. Lucanis remembered how Viago called out in agony as the balcony crashed upon Teia as they left the courtyard to return to the casino. He didn't even see Daisy move forward until it was too late. Lucanis had to pull the Fifth Talon before he could rush in to pull any rubble off. With how unstable the building next to them was, Lucanis didn't want anyone else getting trapped under it. Even if inside, he was praying that they were alright. Viago pulled at him, but before either of them could move forward, the rocks over the women suddenly were lifted and moved a foot away. Daisy was the first to emerge from the rubble, followed by Teia, and both of them were a little scuffed up but intact. Daisy gave Teia a once over before she quickly left, promising to return as soon as Minrathous was seen to.
Lucanis wanted to run after her. He wanted to go with her and watch her back, making sure that she would return. The feeling, the pulling, he felt never felt as strong as it did in that moment. Teia and Viago gave him a look, but he shook his head at them. Friends. Daisy and him were just...
Friends.
"I believe they have done nothing but sing your praises. It would be best to visit soon, or Teia might come looking for you. She's quite fond of you now," Lucanis said with a chuckle, the kettle whistling to indicate that the water was done.
"I promise I will go see them and check-in. Jacobus sent me a letter telling me he had something to show me. I think I've been adopted." Daisy giggled at the end, and Lucanis couldn't help but smile at the noise. He made her a cup of ginger-lemon tea and a plate of dried meat. When she gave him a look, Lucanis mentioned that she hadn't eaten dinner and that starving herself would be suitable for no one. Daisy sipped the tea, enjoying the spicy warmth that washed over her. They sat in relative silence for a few moments, enjoying the peace as they both picked from the plate. Lucanis then started to ask Daisy what being a mourn watcher was like; changing the subject to something more pleasant.
The woman told stories about her years in training, the lessons she learned, and the spirits she made friends with. Daisy talked about the memorial gardens she would always volunteer to tend to, enjoying the garden's quiet. She went into detail about how the plants are only native to the Necropolis and that people have tried to grow above them with no success. Daisy moved some hair behind her ear when she suddenly froze. Lucanis didn't understand until he saw it. It was quick, but before she covered her ear again with her hair, Lucanis caught her hand.
Her ears were cropped short.
Lucanis didn't honestly notice it until she went to cover one, but a large portion of her ears was missing. Perhaps it was the exhaustion getting to him, but now, without her ear cuff, he could see it. The ear he was staring at with intent was a little longer than a human ear, but it's been crudely cut away as if someone sliced it at one angle and then another to match. Elves took great pride in their ears. There was no reason why Daisy would crop them herself, being an elf. Being an elf herself, Teia would have killed anyone who attempted to do so.
"Daisy-"
"It was an accident a long time ago. It's why I wear earcuffs, so people don't get the wrong idea." Daisy took Lucanis's hand in her own, gently squeezing it. "I promise I'm alright."
That is a lie! She. Lies! Spite hissed, appearing next to Daisy. Spite walked around her, getting his face up close to hers. Tell her. To tell. The truth!
"Daisy, we both know that's not true." Daisy went to release her hand, but he found he could not allow her. Lucanis slightly tightened his hold on her hand, his thumb brushing over her knuckles. "When you are ready, I want to know the true story." Coward. Ask who hurt. Rook!
"Thank you, Lucanis." Daisy's eyes showed unshed tears, but her smile was warm. It didn't quite reach her eyes yet, but it was getting there. Lucanis hushed Spite, and the demon simmered back down. The two of them stayed like that, one hand clasped in the other as if it were routine. They tidied up once the food was eaten, and the tea was gone. "When I was studying to be a mourn watcher, I was a tad overeager student. I had something to prove." Lucanis looked at Daisy, who hadn't looked up from drying her cup.
"You see, I was found in the lower halls of the Necropolis next to the body of my mother, from what I've been told. A skeleton had found the nearest mourn watcher, my adoptive mother, and led her to me. She took me in, but not as her daughter but to be raised in her household as a servant. I was six when I started to show signs of magical talent, so she officially took me in as her daughter, much to her husband's displeasure." Daisy sneered. "Not the most pleasant father figure, but he died a few years later. I am a half-human, half-elf abandoned child to a household who could not bear children." Daisy turned towards Lucanis with a sour look. "You can only imagine the pressure put upon me."
"One can imagine how the others might look at you." He answered, crossing his arms over his chest.
"I took to my studies hard and my spell casting even harder. I wanted people to see me as something, anything besides a...mutt." The words were bitter in her mouth. "A few noble houses saw me as a blemish to their children's learning, and that resentment brushed off on them. They took their anger out on me. There was this one boy who butted heads with me constantly. One too many arguments and he...snapped. He caught me on my way home during a break when I was sixteen. He wasn't alone; he had his friends with him, so they held me down while he...cut my ears. If you want to be a human, I can make you look like one ."
Lucanis could feel the rage inside him, and Spite was right there. "Did you report him? Tell me you got justice." Find them. Kill them. Make them pay.
Daisy bitterly laughed. "Of course not. No one witnessed it, and even if I dared to speak at the time, I...I didn't want to bring any more shame to my mother. She knew, of course, but the boy's family was mostly the problem. No, we decided that it would be best to watch and wait. The fear that I would retaliate made him suffer in his studies anyway." Partially, that was the truth, but the whole story was not meant to be told that night. "I have the earcuffs to make up most of my ears now, and I hardly feel anything. Something that I live with."
"It's something you should never have had to go through." Lucanis stepped closer to her, placing his hands on her shoulders.
"Made me stronger and a bit little self-conscious about my looks. I don't want people to think I'm ashamed of my heritage. I never wanted to be human, but being raised by humans is tough to know who you are." Daisy placed a hand over one of his own.
"You are strong, Daisy," Lucanis said softly, and her bright smile returned. "You are leading a team to go up against gods and one of us has a demon attached to himself. No one here will judge you on who you are." Lucanis moved some hair behind her ear. "If it helps, the cuffs suit you." Lucanis then cleared his throat and let her go, his face burning a bit with how close they had gotten. Daisy asked at the doorway if what was spoken would remain between them, to which Lucanis replied that he would.
"Daisy?" The woman turned around to face the crow. "Neve will come back once things are settled. Any advice I can give would be to keep looking forward. That helped me in the Ossuary. Looking to tomorrow."
A grand smile graced Daisy's face. "Thank you, Lucanis. Goodnight, you two." Lucanis watched as she walked away, not turning to return to his room until she was behind closed doors of the Lighthouse. He looked down at the hand that held hers and smiled, clenching at the ghost feeling of her touch.
A few days after the talk, Lucanis entered his room and saw a brand new coffee set with a note sitting beside his bed. Hopefully, I won't break any more cups of yours. Thank you for listening. At the very bottom was a simple drawing of a flower.