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Hitoshi doesn't know what he's doing, which is kind of terrifying, because knowing his goals and ambitions has always been his thing. And now he's downright floundering because he simply cannot wrap his head around the fact that Bakugo Katsuki is lounging on his couch in nothing but sweatpants and a loose shirt.
Because they are together. Boyfriends, even. Mutual confessions on both sides, and Hitoshi simply cannot understand how he got here.
Sure, he damn well knows why he is here, because, hello, that's fucking Pro Hero Dynamight, one of the most promising young heroes out there and who is Hitoshi to say no to someone like that? Especially since Bakugo Katsuki is also nothing to scoff at, with his sharp wit and mean remarks and gruff way to care for people more than he likes to let on.
So Hitoshi damn well understands his own side of things, but Katsuki's? Not so much.
Hitoshi is not, by any means, attractive; the eyebags alone are a huge turn off and he's been told more than once that his eyes are creepy as fuck. Add to that his acidic personality, his numerous traumas from a shitty upbringing and being called a villain his whole life, his many and various insecurities, and his stupid quirk and he's not what anyone would call a catch.
And yet.
And yet Katsuki is right here with him, lounging on the couch like he belongs there, after cooking for Hitoshi on what could have only been a date and Hitoshi is so thoroughly lost.
"Why are you here?" Hitoshi blurts out and almost jerks when piercing red eyes slide over to him.
"What? You expect me to wine and dine you and then just ditch?" Katsuki raises an eyebrow at him as he asks this but Hitoshi shakes his head.
"No, not that, I understand what a date is, I just mean—why are you here? With me."
"Seriously?" Katsuki's voice takes on an incredulous note. "I thought I made that clear when I said I had fucking feelings for you or whatever."
It's almost funny how Katsuki is unable to say it again, if only Hitoshi's brain wasn't so stupid and would accept it for the reassurance it is clearly meant to be.
"And now you can't even say it again," he bitterly mutters out because what if this is already it, what if this one dinner date is enough to turn Katsuki away from him already?
Katsuki musters him for a long moment before he reaches out across the couch to take Hitoshi's hand in his.
"I'm in love with you. Why does that not want into your thick skull?"
"Don't know," Hitoshi mumbles, the words spinning around in his head and it should be reassuring—it kinda is—but still, he can't stop poking at the words as if they could fall apart like that and reveal their true meaning.
"Stop thinking so hard, you're hurting yourself," Katsuki snorts out and it's instinct, it's not something Hitoshi wants to do when his free hand immediately clutches his forearm.
"I'm not," he rushes out, too caught up in what he perceives as an accusation to understand that this is not at all what Katsuki had meant.
Silence settles around them, almost uncomfortably and Hitoshi startles when he realises what he just did.
"Fuck," he whispers out, completely horrified by himself and he wrenches his hand out of Katsuki's, to tug them both close to his chest as if he could undo the damage like that.
"Hitoshi," Katsuki almost warningly says and Hitoshi jerks his head.
"No, don't," he pleads with him, but of course that is not something that ever works with Katsuki.
"Hitoshi," he says again, much more steady this time and when he reaches out for Hitoshi who flinches back, he doesn't even stop.
He gets his hand around Hitoshi's forearm, where the thick of the scars are and then he just looks at Hitoshi.
"Are you good?" he asks, nothing more and nothing less and his hand is a warm, comforting weight around Hitoshi's arm.
"I am," Hitoshi forces out, because he is. "I haven't—not for years," he admits because it turns out when your living situation isn't shit and people actually give a fuck about you and your wishes and your future there is little reason for him to hurt himself.
"Okay," Katsuki simply says and then slides his hand down until he can tangle his fingers together with Hitoshi's. "Then get the fuck on the couch and watch this stupid movie with me."
It's Katsuki's own brand of asking for cuddles, Hitoshi realises with a start and for a moment it's hard to breathe.
He's so unbearably fond of this abrasive asshole that it almost chokes him.
"Whatever you want," he finally agrees and sits down next to Katsuki and allows himself to be manhandled until Katsuki is seemingly satisfied, with Hitoshi safely tucked into his side, Katsuki's arm around him and legs tangled together.
Hitoshi has to admit, he's pretty satisfied with that position himself.
~*~*~
Dating a very popular spotlight hero certainly has his downsides Hitoshi bitterly thinks as Katsuki puts his newest assignment down in front of him.
He was requested to collaborate with an agency, two prefectures away and of course Katsuki said yes. Hitoshi doesn't begrudge him that, because how could he ever, but he does hate the implications of it.
"So you're leaving," Hitoshi says, and forces all of his considerable training into not sounding bitter.
"Two weeks," Katsuki agrees, though his gaze sharpens. "The first week is mostly recon, so I might get a day off, but two weeks is the time-line for this."
"Okay."
Hitoshi doesn't know what else to say, because everything is so stupid and it's all his brain's fault. Of course Katsuki is going to say yes if a prestigious agency asks for him, that's not even a question, and in all honesty, Hitoshi wouldn't even want him to say no on Hitoshi's behalf.
That's just plain wrong, and Hitoshi is not that kind of partner but this is still—it's bad, in his mind, because what if the distance is enough to remind Katsuki that he actually hates Hitoshi? That Hitoshi is hot garbage and nothing more and that he doesn't want anything to do with him and especially not romantically?
"You're being stupid again," Katsuki sighs out and flicks Hitoshi's forehead.
"I know," Hitoshi sighs out, because he does know and mandatory therapy has helped him a lot with recognising the signs, even if he can't yet stop them.
"Here's what I don't understand," Katsuki starts and Hitoshi snorts, implying that there should be a lot of things Katsuki doesn't understand and Katsuki knows him well enough to glare at him. "Asshole," he hisses, but there's a smile playing around his mouth. "You go on undercover missions all the time, mostly lasting longer than these measly two weeks. Why do you never worry then?"
It's not logical, Hitoshi knows it isn't, and his explanation doesn't do anything to clear that up, he knows that as well but still, he has to try.
He finds that he wants to try a whole lot of things for Katsuki.
"It's different because I don't get to overthink things. I go in and I have to do my job; I have to concentrate on that. I don't have time to worry about if you'll still love me when I'm back because I'm way too busy not blowing my cover and getting killed. But when you go—"
"You have all the time in the world to worry your pretty little head off," Katsuki finishes for him and Hitoshi shrugs helplessly. "If it helps any, I'm way too busy during a mission to look around for someone else."
Katsuki doesn't say 'someone better' and it might not mean anything to Katsuki, but to Hitoshi it means the world.
"I know," he eventually says, "which is why this is so stupid. I should worry way more when I'm gone on a mission because it leaves you with time to spare, and I shouldn't have to worry about a thing right now, because you're busy and I'm not. But it's not logical and I hate it."
Katsuki snorts at that and says "You're so much like Aizawa sometimes. Maybe Todoroki was on to something with you being his biological son." Hitoshi has just enough time to roll his eyes at that before Katsuki goes on. "But I'm also glad to hear therapy is doing you some good. You wouldn't have known this was all stupid a few months ago, so I'm proud of you."
Hitoshi almost hates the way the praise makes him light up, but it's not something he can hide and he finds he doesn't want to when Katsuki's face goes all soft.
"Thank you. I'm trying," Hitoshi admits, and this too would have been hard a few months ago, but he did learn a thing or two in therapy and also thanks to this relationship.
"I know, and we're going to beat the stupid out of you eventually," Katsuki tells him with a wink and it makes Hitoshi laugh.
"You're certainly welcome to try."
~*~*~
Hitoshi hates the way his skin crawls, because he knows what it's the onset for and he couldn't care less for that shit, especially with Katsuki so far away right now.
Which is probably the reason for this to begin with, he thinks, and wonders if it's too late to call his therapist and schedule an appointment.
It is, he decides after a quick glance at the clock because it's nearing midnight now and his therapist would very much kick his ass if he called him right now instead of waiting until the morning like a normal person.
And besides, it's entirely and thoroughly stupid, because Katsuki is scheduled to come back tomorrow or the day after at the latest and Hitoshi really just needs to hold off on his stupid break-down until he can hold his boyfriend in his arms and make all the stupid thoughts stop.
Easier said than done, Hitoshi finds as he grabs for his phone and sends off an ill-advised message. It's stupid and irrational and will accomplish nothing because Katsuki is asleep by now and Hitoshi will feel thoroughly stupid once morning comes but it's too late now.
It's especially too late because not even a minute later Hitoshi's phone rings.
He almost jumps out of his skin, it's that unexpected and then he fumbles the phone twice. In the end he has to call Katsuki back.
"What was that about?" Katsuki demands to know when he picks up and Hitoshi lets out a long breath. "You're being—"
"Stupid again, yes I fucking know, will you stop it, goddamit," Hitoshi hisses out and a small part of himself knows that he's overreacting, that there's no reason for him to be this angry, that Katsuki did nothing wrong, but he can't stop himself. "I know I'm a needy little bitch, but you decided I was yours so you better fucking deal with it!"
There's a beat of silence on the other end before Katsuki very calmly says "Hitoshi."
It's not a reprimand, not the onset for a fight Hitoshi is illogically itching for and just hearing his name like that makes his eyes burn.
"We shouldn't talk," he gets out, his voice only barely shaking. "I don't know what's wrong and I'm not being fair to you and I'm sorry, but we shouldn't talk, not like this. I'm sorry I sent you that message. We'll see each other when you're back."
He doesn't wait for Katsuki's answer and simply hangs up on him, clutching the phone to his chest. Hitoshi is equal parts relieved and furious when Katsuki doesn't call him back and he wonders if maybe it's time to talk to his therapist about new meds again.
Because this can't keep happening. Hitoshi hates it when he gets like this, and even though he can realise it for the irrational thoughts they are, he's still no closer to constructively dealing with them in a way that doesn't have him screaming at Katsuki over the phone well after midnight and shouldn't he have gotten better already?
"Fuck," he spits out and then resigns himself to a night of fretting because he sure as hell is not going to get any sleep tonight.
Hitoshi spends his time on the couch, staring off into nothing and reprimanding himself for being like this, working himself up into a new spiral of self-hate but he gets interrupted when he hears the front door.
He blinks sluggishly at the clock and sees that it's close to four in the morning now, which can't be right, because if that is Katsuki at the front door then it must already be well into the day. A look outside the window shows that it's still dark out, though, so maybe the clock is right.
"Hitoshi?" Katsuki calls out and Hitoshi turns his head to watch Katsuki walk into the living-room.
"You're here," he gets out, voice raspy, and Katsuki sighs as he pushes his hand affectionately through Hitoshi's hair.
"I am."
Hitoshi blinks and finally comes back to himself a little.
"You took the night train?" Katsuki nods. "You hate taking the night train!"
If there's one thing Katsuki loves more than exploding bad guys then it's his sleep and he would never voluntarily take the night train, not if he can help it.
"I hate seeing you like this more," Katsuki tells him and leans down to replace his hand with his lips.
That simple statement is enough to make guilt course through Hitoshi again and he pulls away from Katsuki.
"I'm sorry. For being such a mess," he whispers out because some days he really doesn't understand why Katsuki even puts up with him.
"Toshi," Katsuki sighs out and comes around the couch to flop down right next to Hitoshi. "You're not a mess." He rolls his eyes when Hitoshi gives him an incredulous look. "Well, not always. You're allowed to miss me, you know, and you're allowed to be upset when it takes me too long to come home. That's just normal. Not everything is because of your fucked up mental health."
Hitoshi likes that Katsuki doesn't shy away from calling it how it is, it's somehow reassuring, but still.
"But it makes everything worse. I shouldn't be this needy, you've only been gone for two weeks and we did talk during that time. I should be fine."
"Maybe," Katsuki hedges. "But maybe not."
"You're always fine when I am away," Hitoshi petulantly says as if measuring himself up against Katsuki could ever do him any good.
"Did you never notice that my property damage skyrockets when you're on a mission for longer than three weeks?" Katsuki asks and Hitoshi can do nothing but stare at him. "It's because I miss you too, upsettingly much sometimes. That's just how it is."
"That's not true."
"It is. You can call my agency. At this point they are working together with yours; my agency gets a copy of your schedule every time, so they know when to take me off the more conflict-filled routes. When you're on a mission for longer than three weeks, I only get to patrol the outskirts of town, where nothing much happens, because my agency is goddamn fucking tired of me leaving a mess behind."
"I—didn't know that," Hitoshi mutters, completely taken off guard by that admission and it might be fucked up, but it makes something warm light up in his chest. "You miss me."
"I do." Katsuki says as if it's easy to admit something like that and Hitoshi slumps against him. "I missed you now, too."
"I missed you, too," Hitoshi gives back and snuggles in, content where he is, even if his brain can't quite shut up, even now.
"You're still thinking your self-deprecating thoughts," Katsuki sighs out because he clearly knows him much too well by now and Hitoshi shrugs, because what is there to say?
"Just wondering how I bagged someone like you. I'm a hot mess and you have your life together. It doesn't make sense."
"You have your life together, too, Hitoshi. Fuck, just look around would you? We share an apartment, we're co-parenting two cats. You have a skill-set that his highly sought after and you complete your missions without fault. And yeah, you might be all fucked up in the head but you're doing something about that, too. That doesn't sound like someone who doesn't have their life together to me."
"And I get to bang you," Hitoshi says, all choked up, because joking around is easier than acknowledging what Katsuki just said.
"Yeah, that, too. And I'm high maintenance. You think someone who doesn't have their life together could coordinate well enough with me to keep me entertained? I think not," Katsuki decisively says and tilts Hitoshi's face so he can kiss him. "You don't trust yourself, do you? That you're enough for me?"
Hitoshi presses his lips together, to bite back on the immediate response, because of course he doesn't, but it feels as if he's about to run into a trap and the sharp grin he gets as a response just drives that point home even more.
"Do you trust me?"
"With my life," Hitoshi immediately says and it still feels too little, because he also trust Katsuki with his heart and their cats and his family and basically everything that ever meant anything to Hitoshi.
"Then trust that I wouldn't date someone who is any of the disparaging things you think about yourself."
It's stupid, it should be stupid, but it's reassuring to Hitoshi in a way nothing else has ever been. Yeah, Katsuki is high maintenance and his expectations of people are even higher and if he thinks putting up with Hitoshi is worth it, then maybe he's right.
"I should pay you to be my therapist," Hitoshi mumbles, all choked up as he nuzzles his face into Katsuki's neck.
"Nah, I'll do it for free," he jokes and scratches at Hitoshi's nape. "You good?"
"I love you," Hitoshi says in response because it's so important to him that Katsuki knows that and Hitoshi is well aware that he doesn't say it nearly often enough.
"I love you, too," Katsuki gives back, softening under Hitoshi's hands and Hitoshi wraps himself up in those words.
Because if Katsuki says them, then he must have decided they are true, and who is Hitoshi to tell him he's wrong?
It's not a true fix-it, and Hitoshi will still have to see his therapist to talk things over with him, but for now he can melt into Katsuki's side and believe. And that is more than enough.