Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Seo Changbin loved Hwang Hyunjin. That was a fact everyone knew– The members, their team, the fans. They all saw the blown kisses on stages and Changbin talking about his lips in skz-talkers and how much he played up the flirting to make him laugh and fluster him, and how even if Hyunjin rejected him each time he still laughed and he still looked fond.

Hyunjin loved it just as much, even if he pretended not to– he’d even go as far as saying he’d die if Changbin’s love for him were to end.

It wasn’t a surprise to anyone when the two didn’t hesitate to pick each other for the new dorm arrangements, how it hadn’t taken a second for Hyunjin’s name to fall from his lips. 

The new living room is bright and big when he sets down the plant they’d bought while out shopping, the spacious walls allowing for comfort. It’s new, but exciting. 

Hyunjin trudges after him, grinning at him cheekily. “Thank you for bringing it upstairs, wife. ” He calls sickly sweet, squeezing his bicep in passing making Changbin laugh in turn with him. He doesn’t exactly remember how the whole wives thing started, but it’s not any more surprising than them moving in together.

They’re best friends. They’re comfortable with each other– probably most comfortable out of the entire group. They’re best friends who flirt, it makes sense. Changbin flirts for show, and Hyunjin pulls back, also for show. It’s been like that for ages.

“You’re welcome, husband!” He calls back, voice even more sugary sweet than Hyunjin’s. It only makes him laugh harder as he finds his way into the kitchen to cook for both of them, only adding to the married act.

It’s been weird, living with just Hyunjin instead of the four of them together, but it’s nice, too. It’s quieter and calmer but somehow he also misses the chaos of Chan and Jisung, but he knows they’re happy with their new roommates as well.

(Especially Jisung– if the sounds coming from their dorm are anything to go off by. He’s walked past and been traumatized more times than he can count– He really doesn't want to know.)

He joins Hyunjin in the kitchen, settling on the counter and watching him pull out ingredients. “What are you gonna make?”

Hyunjin glances to him with a small smile– same sparkle in his eyes as he always does. “Just a new recipe Minho hyung shared with me, I think you’ll like it.”

“I’ll like it just because it’s you, baby.” Changbin replies back cheekily, smirking when it makes Hyunjin cackle, blush rising to his cheeks.

He’s normally not this flirty behind the camera, but he supposes more one on one time with Hyunjin made him this way. He doesn’t really know why he keeps up the act, but Hyunjin continues it as well when he swats at him with the spatula and giggles– Why is Hyunjin so fucking cute? – so Changbin doesn’t really think much of it.

He merely laughs and ignores how there’s no one else to scoff at them being cheesy– how there’s no one they’re doing it for, just them, and instead focuses on helping Hyunjin around the kitchen, comfortable silence settling over them with cheesy lines and flirty quips here and there.

“I’m really glad we moved in together.” Hyunjin says, out of the blue, making the other man stop short and turn to him with a curious gaze, eyebrows raised in question.

Hyunjin goes a bit red and ducks his head down, focusing on his task. “Just… I like it like this, just us. Love our little moments together.”

Changbin’s smile goes soft. Hyunjin is so passionate. He’s already jealous of whoever gets to date him.

“I love it, too.” He answers, for lack of anything better to say. 

Hyunjin bites his lip and he’s actually blushing– god. He looks like a painting. “You just like more opportunities to get with me!” He accuses jokingly, and Changbin responds with a snort.

“That, too.” He jokes back, squeezing his butt in passing making Hyunjin squeal. He grabs something from the cabinets and he expects Hyunjin to roll his eyes and complain when he turns around like he always does, like they’ve just always been, but instead Hyunjin is just grinning with his bottom lip between his teeth, blush high on his cheeks, and it’s just– it’s different. 

But different doesn’t mean bad, Changbin tries to convince himself. There’s nothing going on. 

── ⋆⋅❀⋅⋆ ──

Living together means spending a lot more time together, too. Changbin is glad for it– of course he is– He loves his members to the moon and back and would take any opportunity to hang out with them– Hyunjin will never be an exception. 

He never hesitates to say yes, just like now. They’re sitting on the floor in front of their couch and his arm is slung over the couch cushions, whatever show Hyunjin wanted to watch playing on the television. It’s a romance, of course it is. 

He’s so fond of Hyunjin, truly. The little romantic of the group. Changbin hopes he’ll find his own fairy tale love someday, he deserves it.

 He’s not really getting the plot, it’s about the main characters coming to terms with their feelings and he thinks they’re about to date– or break up, for that matter. He’s not really watching. Hyunjin’s reactions are far more entertaining, anyway.

The other boy gasps and Changbin turns his head to see that one of the leads is indeed confessing– having shouted his love in the middle of a fit. 

“I’ll never understand that.” He murmurs, mostly to himself, but Hyunjin sighs exasperatedly and throws his hands up in the air. “Me neither! Why did he keep it to himself so long instead of just admitting his feelings–”

Changbin laughs, shaking his head. “No, not that.” He cuts him off, making Hyunjin turn his head towards him with a confused tilt to his mouth. He can't resist it when he lifts a hand to cup his cheek, even if there's no one to act clingy for, no cameras. Hyunjin doesn't pull away, either, probably for the same reason. It wouldn’t make sense– they have no one to act for.

( Then why is he even touching Hyunjin’s face like this? )

Belatedly, he realizes Hyunjin is still waiting for an answer. He goes a bit red, embarrassed to say the words out loud. “I don’t think I’ll ever understand how people fall in love, I mean.”

It sounds strange, even to him. He doesn’t really like talking about this topic at all– He’s pretty sure the only people who know about this are Chan and Felix, Chan being the only person who came close to understanding his feelings, and Felix, well– Felix was Felix. He was Chan’s boyfriend but above all, you didn’t hide things from Lee Felix.

(Added that he was there when Changbin first revealed what he wrote for I like it – once again, Chan had been the only one who understood his distaste for commitment.)

(But then again, Chan had a boyfriend, and Changbin didn’t.)

A small frown appears on Hyunjin’s eyebrows but he’s not judging Changbin, he’d never do that. He just looks kinda confused, and Changbin can’t blame him. “You don’t understand love? ”

Changbin shrugs, self conscious. “I mean– I love the people around me, of course, like you and the others. But I’ve never been in love and I honestly just don’t understand how someone else can make you feel like that. Like butterflies and floaty and everything.”

Hyunjin scrunches his nose in thought. He’s cute.

“So… You’ve never been consumed by your love for someone else? Like being totally head over heels? Spending every waking second thinking about them?”

“Not really, no. No one to make my heart flutter.” He laughs, squeezing Hyunjin’s shoulder and pulling him a bit closer. “Quite the contrast, no? The epitome of love and the one indifferent to it living together.”

Hyunjin blushes, but his voice is quieter when he speaks. “I’m not the epitome of love,” He whines lowly. The sound does something to Changbin, but he brushes it off to their close proximity. “You’ve never wanted to kiss anyone?” He wonders, staring at Changbin with big, earnest eyes.

(They’re so close. Hyunjin is right there, on his shoulder.)

“You are, first of all,” Changbin murmurs back. The TV is playing in the background, but neither of them are watching. “And not really. I’ve never really seen the point of being in a relationship. Or kissing for that matter– why is it considered romantic to smush your mouths together? Why would you even want to or have the urge?” 

He expects Hyunjin to laugh at his attempt at humor, but instead he’s frowning at him and there’s a look behind his eyes that Changbin doesn’t recognize. He’s seen it sometimes before, when Hyunjin is looking at him and thinks he doesn’t see, but hasn’t seen it directly like this. “But don’t you want to be loved by someone else entirely?” He asks softly, and his voice sounds a tad too vulnerable. 

Changbin swallows and drifts his eyes from Hyunjin’s intense gaze.

“I’m loved by a lot of people, Jinnie. That’s enough for me.” Hyunjin is so close.

(Why does the room feel so warm?)

“It sounds like too much commitment, loving someone else like that. I don’t think I would be able to love someone that intensely.”

Hyunjin only hums in answer, looking at his hands and playing with his rings. “I think you could– you’d be a good partner.” He only responds, eyes set on the screen in front of them.

His voice is soft in the quiet room, a lullaby to Changbin’s ears. He yawns, putting a hand on Hyunjin’s thigh, not noticing the way it tenses under his palm. “I’ll be the best partner for you, baby.” He jokes, sinking against the couch and eyes drooping. 

Hyunjin doesn’t say anything else for the rest of the movie. 

Changbin is long asleep, too much of a dead weight to the world to notice the longing looks Hyunjin throws at him after a while, how he gets closer to place a kiss on his forehead and to lower him into his lap so he could be more comfortable.

Changbin is too asleep to hear it when Hyunjin murmurs out, “I wish you would.” 

── ⋆⋅❀⋅⋆ ──

In front of the cameras, he always plays up the act. It’s just common knowledge– He’s in love with Hyunjin once the crowd is down below and the tapes are running.

(He desperately tries to ignore the fact that they’ve been flirting at home too, where no one else can see them– but it doesn’t matter. )

They’re on stage and as always they gravitate towards each other, Hyunjin siddling up next to him once it’s time for the medley. Someone asks him what his favorite dessert is, and Changbin doesn’t hesitate to turn his body to the side and point to Hyunjin, answering, “Your lips!” 

It’s just second nature, at this point. They always flirt. 

Hyunjin laughs, bright and eager. “My lips?” He teases, eyes sparkling. They’re always sparkling. 

Changbin nods excitedly. Hyunjin laughs again, face as bright as the overhead lights. “They’re expensive.” He answers, touching his lips teasingly and flashing a smile.

(He’s so stupidly attractive– how could anyone not be into him?)

(Not that he is. Changbin doesn’t like him like that.)

“I will buy it!” Changbin continues the act, and it’s just to put on an entertaining act for the others– the fact that right now it just feels like him and Hyunjin is because he’s too lost in it. Yeah, that must be it. 

Hyunjin cackles again while the fans cheer, putting a hand on Changbin’s shoulder. “You’ll buy my lips?”

“For any price!” He shouts, and it’s just for the cameras, like it’s always been, and Hyunjin will say no and reject him because that’s just their act, and–

except Hyunjin doesn’t do that. He leans in, until only Changbin can only hear him, and whispers, “I’ll give them to you for free.” He says, and it feels as if his entire nervous system has been rewired, electricity zapping through his stomach and making his eyes widen.

Hyunjin skips off with Felix, both giggling. Chan is looking at him with a smile and he doesn’t get it– The cameras wouldn’t have caught Hyunjin’s whisper, so why did he…?

It’s different, yet again. It’s different and it’s weird and Changbin hasn’t had this before– Hyunjin’s never flirted back before. He’s laughed and teased but he’s never– never said shit like that, never implied for something more. 

It’s whatever. It’s probably just because they’re closer now. 

Jisung jostles his shoulder with a grin, speaking into his mic. “Married life has treated our Changbinnie well.” He jokes, and it makes his shoulders relax a little. Right, their act just changed. Of course they’re still joking. He’s never quite been in love with anyone, really– and he’s not in love with Hyunjin.

(They literally had this conversation weeks ago– the fact that Hyunjin disappeared from the dorm the next days is because he was hanging with Felix. He’d said so himself when Changbin asked.)

Hyunjin’s looking at him again. The sparkle is still there like always, it’s just what Hyunjin’s eyes look like. He’s a person filled with love and it shows through his gaze, no matter who he’s looking at.

The concert ends with a rocking encore as always and they all take a minute to cool down backstage, adrenaline pumping through their veins as they chatter excitedly. 

He watches Hyunjin while he’s talking to Felix, how his eyes are big as he’s explaining an interaction he had with a fan. It’s endearing.

Minho and Jisung are cuddled together, their chopsticks . They’re talking quietly amongst themselves, Minho’s gaze not wavering from his boyfriends’ with a smile and keeping a hand on his arm affectionately. They’re so close. Changbin doesn’t feel envious, not really, but at the same time he’ll never understand the love they have. He doesn’t think he’ll ever get why people fall in love– or even why it’s called falling, in the first place. 

Chan settles down next to him, shaking him out of his thoughts when he squeezes him in a quick hug. He loves his members, that’s a love Changbin does understand. He loves Chan and the others as well, in that sense. It’s the perfect way. “How’s our newlywed?” He teases with a smile.  

“Not that new considering it’s been a few months since I moved in with him.” He laughs, leaning back on the couch as his eyes stray to Hyunjin and Felix again.

Chan hums in response, eyes on the pair as well. “How’s it been in your dorm?”

“Same as always– comfortable, relaxing, flirty. ” Changbin chuckles.

Chan pulls up a brow, throwing a glance his way. “Expected, don’t know why I asked. His Changbin sparkle shining more than usual should’ve told me enough.” 

Changbin feels the way every molecule in his body locks in place, head whipping around to stare at his leader with big eyes. “His what? ”

Chan’s got that easy smile on his face when he looks back at Changbin, and not like he’d literally shaken Changbin down to his fucking core. “His Changbin sparkle. You know… The sparkle in his eyes whenever he looks at you?”

What the fuck. What the actual fuck. Changbin stares at him with his mouth agape, his brain short circuiting completely. Chan was lying– he was just messing with him. There was no way.

“He looks at everyone like that!” He defends, voice a strangled hiss, making Chan snort. 

“No he doesn’t– he literally looks at you like you’re the only thing in the world.” 

Changbin doesn’t think he’s present enough to process this, feeling as if he’s going to sink through the fucking couch. Chan always liked messing with them– that must be what he’s doing right now. This is just a prank to play into their married couple act, and just like that, it’s not real. Hyunjin’s supposed Changbin sparkle doesn’t exist and it’s just how he looks–

“He looks at you like that!” He tries, as a last attempt to save his sanity, but even in the midst of shortwiring his brain betrays him and he can’t think of a single moment where he’s seen Hyunjin’s eyes sparkle like they do for him while looking at Chan.

Chan snorts again, disbelieving. “Dude, if Hyunjin looked at me like that, I think I’d have to break up with Felix.”

He’s not even looking at Changbin while he says it so casually– eyes still on the pair as if he didn’t drop a goddamn bomb on him. He looks at them as well, still slightly fishmouthing when the two notice their stares and look back.

Hyunjin is grinning and there it is again– The fucking sparkle, eyes set on Changbin, and he watches in real time with his heart dropping at how the sparkle leaves when Hyunjin’s eyes slide over to their leader and he smiles at him too, but it’s not how he looks at Changbin. Chan is not messing with him.

He doesn’t know what to do with this information, that the sparkle is only for him and that Hyunjin is suddenly flirting back and that their act changed from unrequited love to newlyweds. 

He’s not sure he likes the feeling it brings along, the things it does to his insides. He’s not made for this– for commitment and for the way Hyunjin’s eyes linger when Minho and Jisung kiss and how he bites his lip and then looks at Changbin–

He’s not into Hyunjin. Hyunjin can’t be into him.

He’s quiet on the ride back, even if Hyunjin holds his hand and looks at him, worried. It doesn’t have to mean anything. None of it has to.

Back at their dorm, he indulges when Hyunjin wants to watch something together. He always does. He can’t say no to Hyunjin– that’s his best friend. They just have a special bond. It doesn’t have to be romantic.

He can’t even think of what would happen if it’s romantic– they’re band mates, for fucks sake. If they broke up, everything would collapse. And he’s sure they will– He doesn’t know how to love. Hyunjin wouldn’t be satisfied with him.

(Besides, Hyunjin wouldn’t go for someone like him. He’d tire of him easily, they both would. He’s not that interesting. He doesn’t see the point in relationships and Hyunjin is the epitome of romance– They wouldn’t fit. )

“What are you thinking about?” Hyunjin suddenly asks, looking at him with a slight frown. He’s plastered to Changbin’s side, his hand resting in the dip of Hyunjin’s waist.

(Why why why are they cuddled up like this? Why does Changbin even do it when there’s no cameras around?)

His mind falls back on the conversation they had weeks ago, where he told Hyunjin exactly how he feels about love. He thinks back on how confused Hyunjin had looked at his feelings, how he didn’t seem to understand how Changbin didn’t get the principle of love. 

“Just… the concert.” He answers back belatedly, running his thumb over Hyunjin’s eyebrows as an automatic reflex to smooth out his frown. 

“Are you okay, hyung?” He asks, and he actually sounds worried. Changbin never wants him to worry. Never wants that pretty face to frown.

Changbin nods, swallowing. “Yeah, Jinnie. Hyung’s just tired.” He answers. It’s not a lie, either. He’s exhausted, but Hyunjin doesn’t need to know why.

He nods, slightly unsure. Changbin is glad he lets it go, though. “What were you and Chan hyung talking about? You looked quite shocked.” He laughs quietly.

Changbin raises an eyebrow. “What about you and Lix? You guys were giggling a lot! ”

Hyunjin throws his head back in a laugh, and it’s late and it’s his friend being and sounding pretty and there’s an unfamiliar feeling coiling in his gut that he’s never had before.

“He was just telling me about his anniversary plans for Chan– it’s supposed to be a secret.”

“Oh?” Changbin asks, playful smirk settling on his face. “Mind to share?”

“No!” Hyunjin shouts laughing. “It’s a surprise– I know you’ll spill it to Chan!” He tries pushing Changbin away but he overpowers him easily, digging mean fingers into his ticklish sides until he’s howling with laughter and Changbin has him caged between his knees and elbows on the couch.

“I won’t!” He whines, not realizing their position until Hyunjin’s laughter dies out, left with a tiny smile as he wipes Changbin’s hair away from his eyes.

“I like your eyes.” He whispers, and Changbin thinks he’s forgetting how to breathe. “They’re pretty.”

Hyunjin is laying under him and he’s complimenting his fucking eyes while his eyes sparkle with something that’s apparently only for him, and he’s smiling so softly, a copy of the way Minho was smiling at Jisung, and–

and Changbin can’t do it. He can’t do romance, and definitely not intimate. He can’t do it at all, but especially not how Hyunjin does it. They won’t fit and they’ll burn and crash and take the entire group with them and he’ll lose Hyunjin as well because he wouldn’t be able to love him properly. Because Changbin doesn’t love. Not like that.

He removes himself from the couch with a big lump in his throat, backing off hesitantly. Hyunjin shoots up as well, frown back on his face. “Hyung, are you sure you’re okay? I didn’t mean–”

He shakes his head jerkily. “I’m fine, Hyunjin. I’m just tired. I think I’ll head to bed.” He murmurs, giving him a tentative smile before turning around and speeding towards his room, leaving Hyunjin dumbfounded.

He doesn’t like the feeling in his chest. 

── ⋆⋅❀⋅⋆ ──

Things change after that, and not for the better.

It’s mostly just a crush, he knows that much. Hyunjin has a crush on him for whatever reason– one that Changbin can’t understand. Why would Hyunjin go for him, for a skeptic, for someone who’s definitely not relationship material when he’s got people piling at his feet for a chance?

Changbin doesn’t get it, so he does what he’s always done; he take care of his members. He removes himself from Hyunjin to avoid disappointment.

It starts small. It starts with him declining late night hang outs, saying he’s tired, and Hyunjin understands– of course he does – and leaves him be. It starts subtle enough like him gravitating more towards the others, choosing to stay and talk to Jeongin instead of rushing home like he usually would.

He spends more and more time at the studio. They’re making songs anyway, so it’s not suspicious. 

He doesn’t want to avoid Hyunjin, isn’t even trying to, but he’s just gotten too close to him. It’s evolved into something where the lines between their bond and their act have blurred, and it’s nothing bad , really– he’s just been feeling weird. It feels weird when he looks at Hyunjin. He just needs things to go back to normal again.

He needs to not feel guilty when he sees the twinge of disappointment in Hyunjin’s eyes when he rejects his offer to go out together again, giving some bullshit excuse that he’s still working on songs. 

He’s drifting from Hyunjin. He knows that as well. He feels caged, somehow, stuck between wanting to go back to how it was at first or getting as far away as possible, if only to protect both of them. He tries to be subtle about it, he really does, but Hyunjin has never been a fool.

He notices it when Changbin doesn’t really respond to his flirty quips at home and just laughs them off, sees it when Changbin pulls his hands back at the last second and holds himself back from being physically affectionate with him. He notices it when even Changbin’s hugs become less tight, when Changbin pulls further and further away until Hyunjin can’t see the one he knew anymore, instead left with a shadow on the horizon of a Changbin he didn’t recognize.

(Changbin feels like dying every time Hyunjin’s gaze turns sad. But he’d rather have his resentment than his broken heart.)

He doesn’t notice it at first because he’s almost never home– but once comeback season has ended and he doesn’t have an excuse to hide in the studio anymore, he sees how Hyunjin is almost never home, either. He asks him about it once, over dinner, when it’s not as weird between them.

Hyunjin tells him he’s been hanging out with Felix and Seungmin a lot, since Changbin is so busy. He doesn’t think much of it, until he starts realizing that Felix’s gaze has changed towards him, turned into something of concern and confusion.

(Seungmin is more subtle with it, but he sees it with him as well– it’s less forgiving, with him. Less empathetic.)

It starts small, and ends with tension every time he’s in the same room as Hyunjin. It ends with him not knowing what to talk about anymore, where normally they fit each other like gloves. It ends with Hyunjin and him living together, and somehow being miles away.

He’s pulled away so much from the other man that everyone in their group can tell, to the point that Jisung has started stiffening whenever both of them are near. 

To the point Changbin leaves when it’s Hyunjin’s turn to record, because he’s not able to deal with the overwhelming guilt that rushes over him in strong waves. To the point all of their conversations start looking the same as the ones he has with the staff.

It’s his own fault. Changbin is a terrible, horrible person and Hyunjin deserves better. Hyunjin deserves someone who’s just as passionate and wonderful as him– someone like his other half.

Hyunjin stops him when he’s about to leave through the door one day. His hand feels warm on Changbin’s elbow, even through his jacket. 

He turns around and looks at him, tries to ignore the lump in his throat when he sees the vulnerability in his eyes. 

“Hyung,” He starts, stops to clear his throat. The air around them is choking Changbin. They haven’t really talked in nearly a month. He doesn’t know about the status of Hyunjin’s latest painting or what he bought this week or what his newest anime obsession is. “I miss you, Changbin.”

His voice is quiet and he can barely hear him, but it shatters Changbin all the same. They’ve been living together for nearly six months– and yet Hyunjin misses him. And yet Changbin misses him, too.

His eyes aren’t even facing him– they’re looking downward and there’s wetness at the edge of them– because of him. He wants so desperately to pull him into a hug, to lay on the couch together and watch a stupid romance movie again, but he fears if he pulls Hyunjin into his arms, he’ll never want to let go.

He’s not good for Hyunjin, he has to remind himself again. His arms stay limp by his sides. “I miss you too.” He admits. Pushes the words past his lips, really. He braves himself to finally look up with a watery smile, and immediately wishes he didn’t– Hyunjin’s expression is devastating. His eyebrows are frowning and his pretty face is contorted and it’s so painfully clear that he’s holding back tears and Changbin is a fucking coward, one which turns around and leaves out the door, leaving Hyunjin back at their dorm when he rushes to the studio.

He’s a coward and awkward and– and just not good enough. Not for Hyunjin.

He hopes, prays, that Hyunjin will get over him, at some point. Begs quietly for things to stop being so complicated.

── ⋆⋅❀⋅⋆ ──

Things change, but not on stage where stays can see them. Never in front of stays. Even when Felix and Chan were having their rough patch, they made sure the fans wouldn’t know anything was going on. They’d protect their fans with everything they had.

Things are tense in the group every time Hyunjin and Changbin are brought up or when they’re in the same room together– but not when it comes to performing. On stage, they’re still the same newlyweds their stays know them as. 

Hyunjin still calls him his wife– and he still pretends to go in for a kiss that Hyunjin ducks away from, but the only difference is that there’s a sad glint to his eyes that Changbin can’t deny, even if it feels like a stake to his heart every time he sees it. 

But Hyunjin is a professional. The members are the only ones noticing his sad demeanor because he switches to artist mode once he enters the stadium, how he makes up for talking less by radiating the same cocky confidence he does at every show.

Hyunjin is a professional. So is Changbin– that’s why both of them are still flirting once the show is on. 

It’s time for their ment once again, and they’re doing challenges. It’s for entertainment– they work in the fucking showbizz industry. The challenges are fun for the fans but they’re fun for them as well because it’s still a group activity, even when the members themselves can see that Felix and Chan aren’t pretending when they hold hands and say I love you.

Minho wants to do one with Hyunjin, a love shot with water– and really, it’s not a big deal. Of course they’re friends and want to do things together even if it’s flirty, Minho is literally taken so it doesn’t matter , not really.

Except it somehow does, because doesn’t Minho understand Hyunjin is his in terms of flirting? They’re not together and he’s not in love but at the end of the day it’s Changbin who the newlywed concept is with, isn’t it? It makes sense when an ugly feeling rises within him seeing Minho smile so coyly at Hyunjin, and it’s not weird when he quite literally pushes the elder out of the way to link his arm with Hyunjin instead and do the love shot– it’s because he cares about their fans. It’s because of their concept, their flirty act. 

Hyunjin’s eyes are wide and surprised, but there’s a tiny smile that he couldn’t contain resting on his face, making something special bloom in Changbin’s chest that he hasn’t felt in a while. 

“don’t mess with me,” He says afterwards when he turns to Minho, and he means it as a joke, or at least that’s what he plays it off as. He’d never actually be mad at Minho, but it’s just– Hyunjin is his on stage, okay? He’s not really one for sharing.

It’s all an act, but he still doesn’t like it. It’s their concept. 

“You belong to Hannie!” He adds, possessive arm curling around Hyunjin’s bicep. Hyunjin is laughing beside him and for the first time it sounds genuine, like it’s actually coming from his chest rather than a well rehearsed script.

His bicep feels warm, but Changbin runs cold when he meets Minho’s eyes and sees raised eyebrows. He doesn’t know what to do upon noticing the other members are much the same– they look confused, Seungmin and Felix are leaning towards judgmental at his behavior, even if they all try to hide it.

(When did it get like this? When did him showing Hyunjin love become so alienated to all of them?)

“And Hyunjinnie is yours?” Minho asks, eyebrows still raised challengingly.

Despite the rational voice in his head– the one that’s been saying that he’s not in love and that it wouldn’t work anyway– saying that no, of course he’s not and never will be, the small and desperate part of his heart wins the race to his mouth, and he ends up blurting, “Of course he is!” 

And it goes quiet. Or that’s what it feels like, for Changbin– Of course the cheers go up, but he doesn’t hear them over how serious his tone was. He doesn’t notice them when he accidentally makes eye contact with Hyunjin and sees the hope in his wide eyes, the way he’s slightly fish mouthing. 

Fuck– fuck, Changbin isn’t like this, he has to tell himself time from time again. These conflicting emotions in his head and swirling through his entire being aren’t him. He’s the person who loves his members platonically, the person not made for love. Especially not for Hyunjin’s love.

Hyunjin’s eyes are so bright for the first time in forever, all because Changbin is fooling him into thinking they’d ever work out. He’s stupid– stupid. Changbin is stupid.

After the concert, the energy is high once they get off stage. For the first time in weeks, Hyunjin actually joins their excited chatter. He’s holding Changbin by the arm because Changbin is stupid and doesn’t wanna pull away, selfishly missing his touch even though he never deserved it.

“Hyung, do you wanna watch a movie with me at home?” He asks, body turnt towards Changbin on the couch. Despite the hope, he still sounds tentative– like he’s not sure how to approach Changbin.

It’s yet another stinging reminder that they’ve drifted. Another reminder that this is all his own doing.

Another reminder on why they ended up like this.

“Uh– no, sorry Hyunjin-ah…” He mumbles, freeing his arm from Hyunjin’s grip. “I think I’m going to go out tonight, instead.” He lies.

He doesn’t make eye contact with him, too scared of what he’d see behind those brown irises.

“Are you sure? We don’t even have to cuddle– I just want to hang with you.” He’s quiet when he admits it, but it lands like a poisonous arrow in Changbin’s heart. Hyunjin thinks Changbin is weirded out by their cuddling to the point that he’s offering to do it without– Even though he’d die for cuddles. Because he misses Changbin.

“The weather is perfect tonight, so maybe another time.” He rejects, again, for the millionth time, even though he’d die to feel Hyunjin in his arms– even if it’s just for a bit.

“Oh… okay. Have fun outside, hyung.” And he leaves, without even a hug or a shoulder squeeze, because that’s just not what they do anymore.

Because Changbin can’t do that to Hyunjin– can’t let his small infatuation turn into something more, to a state where Changbin will do irreparable damage because he’ll never be able to meet Hyunjin’s expectations of love and he’ll lose what’s important to him.

He wanders the streets of whatever city they’re touring in for hours that night, listening to songs Hyunjin wrote. Because it’s the only way Changbin knows how to be close to him at this point.

── ⋆⋅❀⋅⋆ ──

It’s progressed further, the tenseness between them. It’s gotten to a point where fans have started talking about it– and Changbin can’t blame them. He thought it was just behind the cameras, but even during the show, Hyunjin’s emotions are so clear that people are making theories, and the fact that some of the members have become Hyunjin’s protection on stage (From Changbin– yeah, it hurts.) does not help defending their case.

It’s easy to tell, when Changbin swipes a thumb on Hyunjin’s lips and Hyunjin literally has to shut his eyes to not give anything away– it’s easy to tell when Felix stops talking to Changbin outside of work hours and Jeongin nearly growls at him every time he tries to approach Hyunjin.

It hurts indescribably, seeing some of the people closest to his heart so far away and so inaccessible, but Changbin supposes he has no one but himself to blame for this.

He can’t deny it, after a while. He’s not close with Hyunjin anymore outside of work. It hurts– no, it burns, deep in Changbin’s chest, leaves him scorching and gasping for air, like a smoldering void where it’d normally be full of Hyunjin’s smiles, his eyes, his jokes– where normally there’d be a place for Hyunjin and Hyunjin only.

By the fourth concert, he’s learnt to keep at least a bit of distance, if not for the way Seungmin frowns every time Changbin even looks at Hyunjin.

(Hyunjin doesn’t look happier regardless.)

(Changbin’s not so sure what part of him hadn’t died off yet that still manages to feel the guilt.)

They don’t even see each other at home anymore– Hyunjin is always at Felix’s dorm, and it wouldn’t really bother Changbin if he didn’t know what they were talking about all the time. It’s evident in how strained his relationships with Seungmin and Felix have become, and of course Seungmin tells everything to Jeongin, and Jeongin lives with Chan who has a good heart and tries talking to him more about romance, but the point is– it’s all become strained. 

He feels awkward talking to his members, and he can’t help it when a twinge of annoyance settles in his gut. Did Hyunjin not care about their group? Did he really have to make their faltering relationship everyone’s problem? 

(He knows, technically, it’s all his own fault. He knows Hyunjin and the others are completely justified, but if he spends even a minute thinking rationally on this topic, it always finds a way to claw up his throat and choke him blind.)

He shakes his head to rid himself of the thoughts– of course his members loved him. There’s no way they’d ever feel negatively towards each other, he thinks, standing in front of Minho and Jisung’s door. 

Minho’s face greets him when it opens, and he smiles, shoulders visibly softening at the sight of his hyung. Minho mirrors the smile, small but sincere as always and ushers him inside. 

“Jisungie’s not home, he’s out with Jeongin and Chan.” He explains warmly, sending Changbin to the couch with a hip nudge that makes them both laugh before he sets some tea and falls next to Changbin on the sofa.

Changbin leans back when Minho throws an arm around the couch, studying him with that intense gaze of his. “How’ve you been? We haven’t had time to chat in a while.” 

It’s true. He’s missed Minho.

“I’ve been… going through the motions, I suppose.” He sighs, fingers drumming on his thigh. “Working, performing– tired, I guess.”

Minho doesn’t say anything, just keeps studying him until Changbin sighs and drops the act, because Minho can always see through him anyway. He drags a hand down his face in exasperation.

“I’ve been terrible, is that what you wanna hear?” He huffs. The frustration is unfair towards the older man, but right now he doesn’t really have anything else to turn it towards. “I’m pretty sure Seungmin and Felix hate me, and I haven’t felt relaxed in months because of how rampant my fucking thoughts are.”

His tone is biting, challenging Minho to chastise him for being so petulant, but of course he sees right through it– sees the hurt and anxiety underneath the snarky voice and only raises a singular eyebrow.

“And what about you and Hyunjin? What’s actually going on?”

Changbin turns away at the mention of his name. “Nothing. Hyunjin just needs to work through some feelings–”

“ Hyunjin needs to work through feelings?” His tone is disbelieving as he cuts Changbin off. “And not the person who shoved me out of the way and declared that Hyunjin is his?”

He blushes fiercely when that moment is brought up again– he’s apologized to Minho profusely about it and said he just wanted to play up the concept. He hadn’t believed him but let it slide anyway.

“I told you I didn’t mean that!” He whines, throwing his head back and frowning at him, disgruntled at the amused twitch of his lips.

“Bin-ah…” The nickname makes him sit up straighter, especially when he rests a gentle hand on Changbin’s knee. “I know for sure Seungmin and Felix don’t hate you, they’re just worried about both of you. And we all know something is going on– we just wanna help.”

It’s silent for several moments where Changbin gulps, fretting with his fingers. 

“Hyunjin likes me, I think.” He finally squeezes out, eyes shut.

He doesn’t have to see him to know there’s a frown on Minho’s face, he can hear it in his voice when he speaks. “I mean, that much is obvious. You know his Changbin sparkle–”

“ Yeah, I know, but the point is that he shouldn’t! ” He sighs, opening his eyes again to turn to the older with a sad frown. “He shouldn’t be into me at all!”

Whatever answer Minho expected from him, it clearly wasn’t this. His eyebrows are nearly reaching his hairline. “Why not? Do you know how much he loves you?”

Changbin shakes his head, denying the words. “Don’t say that. He’s not in love with me– he’s just infatuated. Hyunjin doesn’t know what’s good for him, because it’s not me.”

Minho’s mouth is slightly agape, and he’s looking at him as if Changbin has three heads. He’s not sure what to do with this reaction.

“Is the whole reason you refuse to even look at him that you don’t want you two to get together?”

It sounds so insignificant when he puts it like that– still, Changbin nods pathetically. “It won’t go well if we date.”

“Changbin,” He starts, squeezing his knee from where his hand is resting atop. “I’m not sure if you’ve noticed, but four out of eight of us are dating each other.” 

“I know that!”

“Then why do you think it won’t work out? Felix and Chan literally went through a breakup but both of them  are still standing–”

“Felix and Chan hyung got back together, though.” He protests, trying to defend himself. 

“Exactly.” He reasons with a frown– Damn Minho and his stupid ability to trap Changbin like that. “Everyone was fine in the end. Why do you think it’ll be different with you and Hyunjin?”

He turns his gaze away from Minho’s, twisting his fingers together in his lap. “Because we’re us. Felix and Chan were literally made for each other and you and Jisung are soulmates.” He gulps in a big breath, forcing the words out. “You know Hyunjin… He’s passionate and wears his heart on his sleeve and is enamored by the mere concept of love. His entire being is romantic. He dreams of ideal relationships and sharing your heart with the same person in every lifetime– he dreams of everything I can’t give to him. I’m not the one for him, hyung.” He ends on a soft note, voice dying on a whisper.

Minho is quiet, so he takes it as an invitation to continue. “I’m the one who’s never been in love and who doesn’t understand it either– I don’t get why you feel the way you do for Jisung and I’ve never seen the point in committing yourself to one sole person. I’m me, the person who doesn’t understand love, and Hyunjin is the one who’s the definition of it.”

It feels scary, the way he’s completely laid himself bare and vulnerable in front of Minho, waiting with bated breath and a hung head for his reaction.

It takes a while, but when Minho speaks again, every word is weighed, calculated and picked carefully. “I think… First of all, Hyunjin is the only one who can decide who’s the one for him.” He starts off, hand moving to take a hold of Changbin’s fingers so he stops twisting them. “I understand if you’ve never fallen for anyone, Binnie, but that’s not to say you won’t ever get to fall in love.”

“But I don’t even want to–” He tries. “It sounds exhausting, to have no power over your own feelings and to be committed and responsible for others. I don’t like how helpless it makes me feel and I can’t ever imagine just… falling for someone– like just suddenly be enamored by them and thinking of them all the time and feeling floaty, and shit.”

He huffs out the last part frustratingly, making Minho chuckle before he studies Changbin with careful eyes.

“I can’t imagine that either.” He finally lands, making Changbin turn to him with a questioning frown.

There’s half a smile on his face when he speaks again. “I don’t feel floaty when I look at Jisung. I don’t think of him all the time– I’m pretty sure I mention pudding more than him–” Changbin snorts at that. “And thinking back, I didn’t fall in love with him between one day and the next. It’s true that you don’t quite have the control over your emotions, but that could also be a good thing.”

Changbin still has a stubborn frown on his face, so Minho only sighs and pats him on the knee. “I’m just saying that falling in love isn’t as shallow as you may think it is– it’s different for everyone. I think personally, it was the little things that drew me to Jisung.” A small smile shows on his face as his gaze turns distant, thinking of his boyfriend.

“It started relatively small– I liked the sound of his laugh or looked forward to seeing him. I got more and more enamored by him day by day until one where it just hit me– I fell in love with him slowly, like a spoonful of honey would drop down.” He shakes out of the memories, looking back to Changbin with a soft look. “Romantic feelings don’t come all at once, Bin. They don’t hit you like it’s described in the movies. They trickle into your heart one by one until you can’t imagine a life without your person– until their pain becomes your pain and you’d do anything to take it away.”

Changbin’s throat feels clogged and he can’t help but gape slightly, arms tightly struck over his chest. It’s too much to take in– too much to think about and fret over right now so he ends up deflecting with, “You aiming for my spot in 3racha with that speech?” He sasses, making Minho chortle a sudden laugh and ease the blush on his face.

“Fuck off– i’m just trying to help!” He snickers, punching Changbin’s shoulder and making him laugh in return and for a moment, it feels easy. For a moment, he can ignore the reason he’s sitting on his couch in the first place, choosing instead to bask in their laughter and drape his legs across Minho’s lap.

He twiddles with his fingers, looking down at them when he resumes their conversation. “What about now? How is it, being in a relationship?”

Minho reaches over gently to still his nervous hands, making him look up at the older man. “A relationship isn’t just all romantic gestures and being in love. It’s not being responsible– Jisung is still his own person. Being together means I’m here to carry his burdens with him, to be his shoulder to cry on when he needs it. It means I wake up everyday making the conscious decision over and over again to love him, to be on his side for however long he needs me to.”

He can’t help it when a small smile shows on his face as well. “Jisung is really lucky with you.”

“I know he is,” he dramatically gestures, making them both laugh again, before falling back on the couch with the soft fondness from before. “I’m really lucky as well, though… Every time I see him, I completely relax and it feels like my mind goes quiet. It’s this unexplainable relief– where it feels like even if everything else goes wrong, you’ll still have them. ”

Changbin is gonna throw up. He doesn’t know if it’s from mock disgust at the sappiness or from the actual nausea swirling in his gut, but there’s a big lump in his throat and his thoughts are racing in every direction and he doesn’t know what to say.

(The memories with Hyunjin are at the forefront of his mind, the ones where he’d open the door to their dorm and seen him painting or just him and he’d just– he’d just completely went lax. He’d get this satiated feeling like everything would be okay, and– and he doesn’t fucking want to think about it.)

Minho seems to notice his inner turmoil, because he ends up squeezing his hand to get his attention. “Just… don’t overthink it, okay? Don’t use the fake excuse that you’re not made for love either– you’re full of it, Seo Changbin. Otherwise you wouldn’t have loved us as much as you do.”

“That’s different– I love you all as friends!”

“Still sounds like love to me.” Minho quirks.

“No, I just– I wouldn’t be able to love Hyunjin, not in the way he wants to be loved by someone. The way he deserves. ” He finally sighs.

Minho purses his mouth, eyes scanning Changbin’s face. “I think only Hyunjin could decide what he wants, Bin. And each relationship is different, you know? You won’t be able to judge until you try.”

Changbin stays stubbornly silent in return, making Minho sigh.

“I can’t tell you what to do, but… I should warn you that whatever you’re afraid of happening, it won’t be worse than hurting Hyunjin by being avoidant.”

He doesn’t mean it meanly– Minho would never do that to him. He’s saying it as a general fact because it is. Changbin is actively hurting Hyunjin, a fact which makes his gut churn every time it’s mentioned.

He only shuts his eyes and rests his head down onto Minho’s shoulder, who doesn’t complain like he normally would and only gets to playing with his hair.

“Thanks, hyung.” He whispers, clutching a hand in his shirt.

“No need– you know I’ll do anything for you all. Just remember that I’ve been through this as well and you can lean on me, yeah?”

Changbin nods against him, eyes shutting against unwanted tears.

── ⋆⋅❀⋅⋆ ──

Changbin is fucked.

He is indescribably, absolutely, fucked. through and through. 

It’s been a week since his conversation with Minho, and he’s fucked all for two reasons: 

One, his entire view on romantic relationships had shifted. Lee Minho had knocked his carefully crafted ideas about love down flat as easy as with a flick of his finger, leaving him to sit and fishmouth in the middle of the dust and debris that he’d left behind– everything he thought he knew about the topic Minho had disproved, instead providing a whole new perspective which Changbin had never thought of.

The idea that love started small and went gradually, starting with being enamored and noticing the little things. “Like a spoonful of honey would drop down’’ he’d described it as. That a relationship wasn’t just mere commitment, but rather something you both put effort in to watch it bloom, because you both wanted it to.

(His thoughts are a constant mix of Hyunjin’s laugh and his eyes and his mannerisms and his habits these days, habits and features that Changbin’s always adored about him– always felt enamored by, like honey trickling into his heart– but he’s not thinking about that. He’s not. )

He always reasoned that he wasn’t made for love because he never fit the description of it. Except Minho had dismantled that description completely and put a new one in its place that did fit him– leaving Changbin lost and disoriented.

What the fuck was he supposed to do with this information? What the fuck was he supposed to do about the fact that he recognized himself in Minho’s stories– that he felt relieved and calm too every time he saw Hyunjin, the same way he’d described feeling relieved at seeing Jisung?

That everlasting calm when he saw Hyunjin, the way his shoulders untensed and his head filled with cotton every time he was near– he’d felt it for years but blamed it on friendship, but now–

Now it wasn’t friendship anymore. He recognized himself in Minho and he feels the exact way he’d described he felt for Jisung and Hyunjin is so fucking pretty, and the sound of his laugh is always enough to placate Changbin’s racing heart and– and he’s into Hyunjin.

He’s into Hwang Hyunjin. He’s into his best friend, he actually fucking likes him. He has feelings for Hyunjin.

(He definitely wouldn’t call it love, it was just infatuation– he still wasn’t a person for love! )

Which brings him to reason number two why he’s fucked.

Reason two being that– Hyunjin isn’t even there for him to be confused over. He likes Hyunjin but Hyunjin isn’t even here, still taking any chance not to be in the house when Changbin is, and honestly– he gets it because yeah, they haven’t talked in months. They haven’t talked without being awkward for so long because Changbin is a coward who ran from his feelings, not realizing he’d been running from Hyunjin as well.

Bringing them here, separated by only a wall while Hyunjin is painting in his room and Changbin is choking on feelings, and yet planets apart from each other, somehow. 

He doesn’t even want to confess. He just wants Hyunjin back. He wants to lay in the living room with him and play stupid video games while they laugh, he wants to write songs while he paints and they wordlessly listen to music, both comfortable with just basking in each other’s presence.

He closes his eyes and leans his head back against his headboard when the song in Hyunjin’s room changes, going from something in jazz to a whistling tune. It takes him a bit to realize it’s coming from Hyunjin himself– he’s whistling a soft, melancholic melody, humming along to it. He sounds beautiful.

In the past, he’d probably have gone over and wrapped his arms around his middle– content to just hug while Hyunjin would do whatever he was doing. Because he knew Changbin hated being alone and would do anything for him.

Hyunjin stops whistling, and Changbin opens his eyes to his dark ceiling. The bed squeaks– he’s getting up. Footsteps, in the hallway, and he has to hold his breath when they stop right outside his door.

( Please, come in. He finds himself thinking so desperately. Please come in and force me to talk so we stop hurting so much– )

Hyunjin knocks on the door, soft, rhythmic taps. Changbin wants to slam the door open, wants to hold him.

He doesn’t respond. He feels frozen.

“Hyung?” A soft whisper, pricking at his heart because Hyunjin’s voice is beautiful–

He still doesn’t say anything, why is he not saying anything?

“Maybe you’re sleeping.” He mumbles, and Changbin can nearly hear the fucking pout in his voice and the cute frown on his face, if he were to just get up–

His breath is stuck in his chest when Hyunjin is silent but he can hear motion, and before he knows it something is being slid under his door, one simple piece of paper, before Hyunjin’s footsteps lead him away once again.

Once again, he leaves. Once again Changbin doesn’t let him in.

He doesn’t deserve to– not after everything. 

(Not like he’d deliver much. Who would love him in the long run?)

A full five minutes pass by until Changbin finally manages to peel himself off the bed, tip-toeing until he crouches down to pick it up. The back of it is yellow and red, and it’s vaguely familiar enough to make him frown, turning it around and–

And it feels like his legs give out the second he does. His heart constrics painfully and he doesn’t think he can breathe and the room starts to spin when he actually falls back on his ass, focusing only on the picture Hyunjin slid through. On them. On the faded polaroid of the two of them a couple years ago.

They’d gone out to a fair together and Changbin had won a plush ferret toy that Hyunjin really wanted– their smiles are so big as they have their arms around each other and he’s looking at the camera, except Hyunjin is looking at him, just smiling softly with his supposed Changbin sparkle bright in his eyes.

It’s not the picture that grows the lump in his throat, Seungmin had clicked it and they’d both gotten one, his own is literally framed next to his bed so it’s not the fucking memory– It’s the text Hyunjin wrote under it, in his delicate handwriting.

Don’t you miss us?

Changbin feels like dying. He can’t stop staring, reading them over and over again. Don’t you miss us. The two of them together. Us. Changbin and Hyunjin. Hyunjin had said he missed him, all those months ago.

Don’t you miss us?

A tear landed on the polaroid, right on the spot where their hands were linked together. Us, who held hands and were there for each other. Who actually talked without tears in Hyunjin’s eyes every time.

“I do. God, I do.” His words are whispered only between the safe four walls of his own room, only to be heard by his own desperate heart. 

Hyunjin’s sparkle is so bright. He doesn’t know why he never noticed his feelings for him. 

Don’t you miss us? 

He does, but he shouldn’t– not when he’s the reason they didn’t exist anymore. 

He clutches the picture and squeezes out the tears he’s been holding back– He fucked up. It won’t do either of them good for Hyunjin to still have hope.

When he goes to his bed, he rests the picture against the pillow in front of him and doesn’t let go the entire night– because when he finally closes his eyes, at least he can pretend to feel the spots where Hyunjin touched their picture, too.

── ⋆⋅❀⋅⋆ ──

Hyunjin is at the kitchen island when Changbin wakes up.

(It’s been so long since they were in a room together.)

He’s nervously fiddling with his fingers when his eyes shoot up to meet Changbin’s, and a timid smile appears on his face. It’s a smile but his eyes are exhausted and puffy and he’s never looked this anxious in front of Changbin.

“Morning,” He rasps. “Did you sleep early last night?”

He’s asking about the picture indirectly– of course he is. His last attempt at reconnecting, at turning things back around. The last dregs of his futile hope that Changbin never earned.

Hyunjin’s eyes are anxious. Changbin wants to kiss his frown away and apologize for everything.

“Yeah, I did.” He responds. His voice is flat and cold. It makes Hyunjin still because Changbin’s never used that tone on him. “Nothing special happened, so I just went to bed.”

He's terrible. He's terrible and cruel and horrible and bad and–

“Nothing happened when you woke up either?” He sounds irritated. Changbin wants to run away, he never wants Hyunjin to be mad, but if this means Hyunjin will finally be able to let go– then so be it. If this means Changbin won't hold him back from what he truly deserves, so be it.

“No.” He swallows back the bile, facing Hyunjin head on. “Why would it? ‘S not like anything important is going on.”

It’s not fair to either of them. Changbin still says it. Hyunjin’s eyes still fill with resentment. 

Good . It’s what Changbin deserves.

“I’m going over to Jeongin’s dorm.” It’s a whisper barely let out before he’s out of his seat.

Changbin at least waits until he’s shut the door behind him to collapse. He’s shaking and the tears roll down, but he doesn’t make a sound– doesn’t thrash and scream like he wants to.

He doesn’t deserve to. 

He wants Hyunjin to come back and hold him like he always did.

He just wants Hyunjin.

── ⋆⋅❀⋅⋆ ──

The inevitable happens a few days later, with Changbin walking back from the studio.

It’d been a long night. The songs had poured out of him like a never ending stream (He tries not thinking about why ) while he was alone. The hallways are quiet, their dorm is at the end of the road so he’s bypassing all of them on the way back. Minho’s is obviously quiet, the light in Felix’s is still on, and–

It feels like his heart shoots up to his throat.

He freezes in front of Chan’s dorm. The lights are on inside and the room starts spinning for Changbin outside, when the sounds of Hyunjin’s sobs fully process in his ears.

Hyunjin is inside there and he’s crying– he’s hiccupping and Changbin can hear him take huge gulps of air like he always does when he’s upset, he’s full on sobbing and with every sound Changbin’s heart shreds and convulses, makes him stumble against the wall–

“It’s okay, babe.” Chan is inside and his voice is hushed, he’s probably rubbing Hyunjin’s neck in comfort because that’s the perfect way to calm him down, Changbin knows. “Changbin would never in a million years hate you.”

He can’t do it. His legs give out completely upon hearing his name– Hyunjin is in there and they're talking about him, about him hating Hyunjin.

“He didn’t react–” Hyunjin’s teary voice is like another stake in his heart, sending him to the floor, “It was our picture, Channie, even with the text he didn’t– he didn’t care! ” He breaks out into sobs and probably buries his face in Chan’s shoulder when they turn muffled. “He doesn’t care about me anymore.”

Changbin can’t breathe. The air feels dense and the room is blurry, all he can think of is Hyunjin’s cries and the words he’s speaking, the fact that Hyunjin is in there and he’s miserable because he’s convinced Changbin doesn’t care about him–

“Changbin loves you, hyung!” Jeongin is in there too and he’s scoffing but even he sounds desperate. “He’s just being really stupid right now–”

“You don’t get it!” Hyunjin sounds so emotional when he shouts and Changbin can barely listen, because he did that to him. “Both of you don’t fucking get it.” He sounds so venomous, Changbin starts shaking at hearing the tone– He’s so mad and heartbroken all because of Changbin. 

“At least he talks to the two of you, hell, he’s over at Minho’s more times than I can fucking count!” He’s yelling. The sounds of gameplay pause in Seungmin’s dorm, and Changbin can’t. stop. shaking. “Meanwhile I don’t remember a single moment in the past months where we’ve talked– He treats me like fucking staff! ” He’s nearly hysterical with it and his voice holds so much pain, more than Changbin’s ever heard from him.

“It feels like I’m dying every time I see him– I miss him so much but he doesn’t care and I don’t even know what I did to lose him– Am I really that bad? Does Changbin not love me because of me? ” He crashes into a fit of sobs again, muffling them in whoever is closest as he keeps repeating the multitude of questions– What did I do? Why did he give up on me, hyung? What is wrong with me?– and Changbin’s vision is dancing with black spots.

Hyunjin is wailing. He made Hyunjin doubt himself . He thinks it’s all his fault that they’ve broken apart– He’s convinced Changbin hates who he is and it lands like a burning knife in his chest, disabling his lungs until he’s left gasping for air, shaking but rooted to his spot as he can’t do anything but listen.

“I hate him. I genuinely fucking hate him.” Hyunjin’s voice is a harsh whisper. Changbin’s heart feels like it's bleeding out on the floor, completely torn to shreds, because Hyunjin is hurting as well and–

and Changbin feels it, deep in his core. He feels Hyunjin’s pain all the way down to the last nerve, just as Minho had described.

He’s in love with Hyunjin.

“I hate everything about him– I hate how he makes me feel–” Hyunjin hiccups. His words are broken, he’s choked, and Changbin feels every fiber of it in the crevices of his soul.

He’s in love with Hyunjin.

“All those months we spent flirting and joking and– now he won’t even be in the same room as me. My heart beats for him only and he couldn’t even care less about if I died loving him–”

“Don’t say that,” Chan begs from inside, voice trembling as well. “We’ll fix this– please don’t say things like that.”

“There’s no fixing this, hyung.” Hyunjin’s laugh is soulless and hollow, and it feels like all the warmth is sucked out of the building. “I can’t fix myself, I’ll never be enough for him–”

“You’re not the issue,” Jeongin’s voice is harsh but the anger isn’t directed at Hyunjin. “It’s Changbin– If he can’t fucking see what he’s lost, it means he’s not good enough for you! He fucked up terribly!”

Chan sounds offended at their maknae on his behalf but Changbin can’t blame him– not when Jeongin is right about everything. He’s not good enough for Hyunjin, never was, but especially not now, when he doesn’t even have a beating heart to love anymore and screwed everything up beyond repair.

The floor under Changbin is cold and his heart is torn at his feet. He doesn’t remember how to feel or how to move. 

I hate him. I fucking hate him.

He’s exhausted to the bone. He shuts his eyes when the words won’t stop playing in his head– at least he got what he wanted. Hyunjin sees him for the piece of shit excuse of a human he’s always been, always lacking. Not deserving of Hyunjin.

I hate him. I fucking hate him.

He’s in love with Hyunjin.

Hyunjin fucking hates him.

Changbin thinks he should be the one dying while loving Hyunjin. It’d be what they both deserve.

── ⋆⋅❀⋅⋆ ──

He should be used to things changing by now, is the thing.

So much has changed around him and about him and inside their group that it shouldn’t shock Changbin anymore, but it does– it still shocks him, because usually things change for the worse, not like… like whatever was going on right now.

It doesn’t change like this. It’s been a week since he accidentally eavesdropped on Hyunjin (And lost his will to live in the process, but it’s like– whatever ) and to say he acts differently towards Changbin now is an understatement. 

It’s been a week, and somehow everything tilted on its axis, but it also… didn’t? It feels like they’ve come full circle because Hyunjin is acting like nothing ever happened. He’s at the dining table when Changbin wakes up. He smiles in greeting, he talks to him again during schedules. He paints in the living room while Changbin writes– it’s the same as it was before. Hyunjin doesn’t mention the picture or the past months of avoiding each other, and it’s all giving Changbin a whiplash.

It’s the same except it also isn’t because when he smiles Changbin can still see the strains, and when they talk it feels animated in a way it never has before– it’s not natural. They don’t know how to talk to each other anymore. They spend time in the living room together again, but Hyunjin’s paintings are all desolate and Changbin’s lyrics are full of regret and of a love that’s lost.

It’s the same as before, except it’s not, because Changbin is in love with Hyunjin and it’s not reciprocated anymore. It’s not the same because Hyunjin is cold towards him and it feels like they don’t know each other. 

The emotions raging inside and the thoughts stuck in his head don’t get a chance to be let out– It’s all hollow and daunting but if this is the only way he’ll have Hyunjin, he’ll take what he can get.

If the only way Hyunjin will look at him is with empty eyes, he’ll have to learn to live with that– since he’s the one who robbed them of their emotions, anyway.

(But it’s fine. Changbin is fine.)

Besides, they’re still in the middle of a tour– he doesn’t have time to think about his problems, he has to focus on his fans, and they provide a nice distraction when they’re performing in Japan.

Until his fans smack him in the face with his problems.

It’s not literal– he’d have to press charges if it was. It’s just that during their ment they’re reading signs– and one of them says, what is Hyunjin to Changbin?

And. Well. 

He doesn’t even know what to say when Chan directs the question towards him, because how could he even put something like that into words? He’s tried with his lyrics, written probably a dozen songs about him by now– but it still didn’t cut it, who he was to him.

“Who’s Hyunjin to our Changbinnie?” Chan asks again with a soft smile, and it feels like all his members are holding their breath– most of all Hyunjin himself, who refuses to look away with his stubbornly pursed perfect lips, hands balled into fists– saying that Changbin loves him isn’t enough.

But he can’t even say that either– because Hyunjin doesn’t love him back anymore, because Changbin ruined it for the both of them.

Who was Hyunjin to him? He could just deflect, say something like his wife or husband or whatever– but he doesn’t want to. Not this time.

Hyunjin was the person he thought of when going to sleep. He was who Changbin imagined when people mentioned being in love– Hyunjin was the person he went to when he didn’t want to be alone. Hyunjin was the person who, no matter how often or how much they hung out– Changbin would never grow tired of. Hyunjin was who he reached out to when he ended in a pit.

Hyunjin is still looking at him only. The arena is quiet.

“My reason to go on.” He eventually murmurs into the mic, and as raw as it is, as much he’s laying himself bare more than he has in years– he doesn’t regret it when Hyunjin’s face finally flickers with emotion. “Hyunjin is everything to me– my best friend, my comfort, the reason I wake up every morning.”

He could say a million more things about him, a million other words in a million other languages– but they’d all come down to everything. Hyunjin is his everything. He’s the heartbeat inside Changbin’s chest and he’s the lyrics that he writes on paper as much as he is the thoughts in Changbin’s head before he goes to sleep and right before he wakes. His reason to live. 

And Changbin is the reason he’s lost all of it. It hits like a truck when Hyunjin’s mouth drops open, eyes filling– because they don’t do this. They don’t talk because of Changbin.

It’s sweet to the fans. To Changbin, it’s another haunting reminder that he’s screwed everything up– that he can’t have things the way they used to be.

Hyunjin’s heart is full of beautiful roses. Changbin’s only carries the thorns. 

The concert goes on, regardless. The fans scream and cheer and they sing, despite the fact that Hyunjin keeps throwing confused glances– his eyes look like there’s a storm going on inside him, like he doesn’t know what to make of Changbin’s declaration, and still they continue as if nothing is happening.

Still they reach the encore, they still sing Miroh , a high energy way to end the evening– despite the fact that Changbin is struggling to remember the words because his mind is stuck on other things– like the way Hyunjin seems to be moving towards him, for example.

It’s the first proper time they’ve interacted on stage again, aside from mindless flirtations off the side. He’s actually walking towards him, and he’s smiling, but– but Changbin knows Hyunjin. 

He knows him better than he knows himself. He sees the tired lines in his shoulders and knows the emotion behind his eyes is pain– up close his grin is somber, the miniscule frown in his eyebrows stands evident to Changbin– and with a sinking feeling, he realizes what he is doing.

It’s time for their rap, the one they always do together– and when Hyunjin jumps onto his back to sing it with him and holds on tight, Changbin realizes this is him giving up.

He’s done fighting. Hyunjin is exhausted from him– he’s giving up on them.

It’s completely justified, so it shouldn’t break Changbin like it does. His heart shouldn’t feel like it’s been ripped apart again and his lungs don’t deserve to constrict– He doesn’t deserve to feel the hurt when he’s the sole reason for it.  

It doesn’t completely hit him, not until they’re done and Hyunjin buries his face in his neck only for Changbin to feel tears hit his skin– but Hyunjin is giving up. He’s actually ruined everything to the point that Hyunjin doubts himself and thinks Changbin doesn’t care about him. He’s crying and finally letting it all out because he thinks Changbin won’t care while he actually feels like he’s dying right on the stage, his lungs won’t fucking accept any air and Hyunjin is squeezing him so tight and this is the first time they’ve touched in months , and–

and it’s done. It’s all over, Hyunjin can’t take it and he jumps off and bolts off stage leaving him disoriented enough to stumble, but once he finally regains composure, he can’t be fucked to care about anything else. He doesn’t care about the crowd or his members when he follows Hyunjin backstage.

“Hyunjin–” 

“Just– stop. ” Changbin immediately freezes at the order.

He’s got his back turned to him, palms pressed against his beautiful eyes. His shoulders are shaking from the sobs and Changbin wants to die from everything, more than he wants to reach out even though he has no fucking right to.

“Why do you keep doing this to me?” He whispers, and he sounds so hopeless– fuck, Changbin’s done that to him. He’s a horrible person. He’s terrible. His chest is going up and down and it feels as if his legs are gonna give out any moment now even though he has no right to be affected when it’s all his fault.

“You keep pulling away but then hit back with shit like this–” Hyunjin whirls around and he’s suddenly faced with wet cheeks and his crestfallen expression, making everything hurt even worse. “Those words on stage… Did you mean them?”

His tone is challenging, like he’s daring Changbin to fight back, but his eyes are open and vulnerable and Changbin has seen that expression enough times to know what he’s asking– please, fight for me. show me you care.

But Changbin isn’t made for it. He’s not made for Hyunjin’s love.

“You deserve better.” Is all he says. Bile is rising up his throat and he has to turn around and grip the wall to make sure he doesn’t pass out– This is all his fucking fault.

“I don't get it,” Hyunjin chokes out, voice hoarse. “You flirt with me relentlessly on camera– tell me I'm beautiful and that you want me and that we are in love and yet–” His voice breaks, and so does Changbin’s heart. “Yet you turn cold behind the scenes. You act like I'm merely a fucking acquaintance and just close off completely!”

Changbin squeezes his eyes shut. There's a lump in his throat and his arms are shaking, there’s black spots in his vision, and he just wants to go home.  

“I play it up.” He squeezes out, gaze still turned away from Hyunjin, his back to the younger man. He doesn't want to see the tears gliding down Hyunjin’s cheeks. He knows the words are unfair– but it’s not like he’s got much left to lose, Hyunjin already resents him. 

He scoffs, loud and angry. “So is it just fucking fan service then? The reason you hold my hand and call me pet names is just for the fans–”

“It’s not ,” he cuts him off, but at this point he can't even blame him for thinking that. His voice is shaking as well now and he can't properly breathe, he really just fucking wants to leave and never think of this again. “It's not fucking fan service– you know damn well I love you.”

Hyunjin releases a desperate sob, and Changbin doesn't know what he wants anymore– he wants so desperately to turn around and coddle Hyunjin in his arms and wipe his tears, but he knows it’s far too late for that now.

“Then why? ” Hyunjin asks, voice merely above a whisper. “Why do you keep acting weird around me, why do you keep being distant?”

Changbin squeezes his eyes shut. “I don't know.” He murmurs back, but they both know it's a lie. I do know. He thinks, but never voices. I know it's because I've fallen, and it could ruin everything. 

He wants to go home. He wants the ground to open up and swallow him. He wants Hyunjin to hold him.

“I can’t do this.” Hyunjin eventually chokes out, and his voice is so thick and he must be crying so fucking much now– all because of Changbin. All because he keeps on hurting the person he supposedly loves most over and over because of who he is.

“I'm sorry.” Is all he can reply, just like always. He's just sorry. He's sorry it'll never be different.

“No, I’m sorry.” Hyunjin whispers, and it's confusing enough for Changbin to finally turn around. “I'm sorry I'm not good enough to be loved by you, Changbin. I'm sorry I'm me and I'm sorry you can't bring yourself to love that person.”

Every word feels like a dagger in Changbin’s chest– he wants to protest, wants to say that no, Hyunjin is the loveliest person ever and he’s the issue, wants to tell him that he’s perfect a thousand times over and that it’s Changbin himself who’s rotten and spoiled to the core–

But he doesn't get the chance to. Before Changbin can even open his mouth, Hyunjin is out the door.

He doesn't think he has the right to chase him.

── ⋆⋅❀⋅⋆ ──

The next time they sing their rap in Miroh, Hyunjin doesn't approach him.

He doesn't even look at Changbin. He looks sad and tired and faces anyone but him. Changbin gets it– he wouldn’t wanna see himself either.

His words are still fresh in his mind, the echoed I'm not good enough and even worse– the phrase "I'm sorry I'm me and you can't bring yourself to love that person" haunts his every move ever since he's heard it. As if there was even one universe where Changbin didn't love Hyunjin.

As if Changbin could ever love anyone but Hyunjin. As if it takes him any fucking effort to.

He wants to go back in time, to that couch where Hyunjin had called his eyes pretty, and wants to tell himself to get his head out of his ass and realize he’s always been in love with Hyunjin– 

Because it's too late now to do that. He's missed his chance, Hyunjin isn’t in love anymore and Changbin’s forgotten how to feel human and– and he just fucked up. The sparkle in Hyunjin’s eyes had long since turned into flames of resentment, which is somehow much more fitting because he never deserved to be loved by him in the first place.

He deserves this. Deserves the anger and hatred.

(He tells himself it hurts less because he knows he deserves it.)

(He pushes down the bile rising in his throat when he thinks of how he’s lying to himself.) 

Hyunjin is beautiful on stage. His beautiful Hyunjin– who doesn’t look at him, and won’t ever be his. Hyunjin who still to this day makes his heart beat faster, without any way to remove the daggers he’d put there himself. 

── ⋆⋅❀⋅⋆ ──

The news reaches Changbin at the same time it reaches the other members– when they’re called into their managers office a week later, no reason given for the impromptu meeting other than that it’s an urgent one.

Changbin feels something churn in his gut as he arrives, noticing the other members already there. Chan frowning indicates that he didn’t know what this meeting was about either, and the rest looks equally as confused.

The rest… Felix is there. The two youngest are too, as well as Jisung and Minho.

But Hyunjin isn’t. The dancer is nowhere to be found.

Something ugly clogs his throat when he moves to sit beside Chan, restless hands reaching out to touch his leader, seeking comfort from him as always in these situations. It’s selfish, Changbin doesn’t deserve the comfort after all he’s done, but he takes it anyway, because he doesn’t know what else to do.

“Hyung, where’s Hyunjin?”

Chan eyes him, gaze worried. “I thought he was in your dorm?”

Changbin sucks in a breath, chest going cold. “No… He was gone by the time I left. I thought he’d be here already.”

Chan’s frown only deepens and he flits his head around the room, but there is still no sight of the taller boy and with every passing second Changbin feels his heartbeat quicken– Hyunjin’s door was closed this morning and his favorite mug was missing off the counter, but his paint brushes were still in the sink but if he wasn’t there then where did he go–

The rambling in his head gets cut off when the door opens and one of the assistants peeks her head out, cautiously calling for them to come inside.

“We’re still waiting on Hyunjin.” Chan answers back, but all of their faces fall when she shakes her head.

“He regretfully won’t be joining us… you guys are complete for the meeting.”

Changbin can’t breathe. His expression is mirrored by all six, because the last time they had a meeting without Hyunjin was when–

No. He can’t think about that. This can’t be the same thing.

They all get up and trudge inside, footsteps heavy and atmosphere tight. He feels lightheaded already, he wants to call the other boy and ask him what the hell any of this is about, but he doesn’t have the right to after everything.

They sit around the table in silence. Changbin wishes his manager would stop looking so grave.

“I’m sure everyone’s noticed that the inner relationships between some of you have started to strain.” He starts off, and it feels like a bullet to the chest, gun loaded by his manager’s words and trigger pulled by the way everyone’s eyes dart to him, even if it’s for a split second. 

He’s talking about him and Hyunjin. Of course he is. 

Chan is the first to speak up, as always. “It’s not strained… they can work through it.” He sounds cautious, but Changbin knows him well enough by now that he can hear the hidden doubt underneath.

Seungmin speaks up next, surprisingly strong. “We’re a family, we have our arguments sometimes.”

The room is quiet, their manager eyeing them all with pity and Changbin fucking hates it, he wants to go back to months ago when he hadn’t fallen for Hyunjin, when the entire group didn’t resent him for how he affected everything– when Hyunjin looked at him with something other than tears in his eyes.

“Why…” He clears his throat when it sounds hoarse, trying to ignore how everyone’s heads had flitted over to him. “Why isn’t Hyunjin here?”

If the room was quiet before, it felt like a vacuum now. The way his manager’s eyebrows twist in sorrow will always be ingrained in his brain– the way he wordlessly slides a paper over the table in the middle where everyone could see it will haunt Changbin until he dies.

Half of the words on it don’t even register. He feels black spots dance in his vision and his chest is going up and down faster and faster and all he can see is Hyunjin and early departure and eliminated contract.  

“What does this mean?” Felix’s voice trembles when he asks, eyes wide, and Changbin thinks if it had been him speaking he’d have thrown up all over. There’s no way this is happening.

“Hyunjin has requested for his contract to be terminated.” Their manager murmurs, and it feels like another punch to the gut but Changbin is frozen in his seat, eyes wide, tremors wracking his body. “He wants to leave Stray Kids.”

No. No. No. This cannot be fucking true– He’s going to be sick. He’s going to be fucking sick and throw up and scream because– He can’t just do that, can’t just get up and leave everything behind that they’ve built–

“He can’t just do that!” Jeongin sounds affronted but his face screams insecurity, hands shaking on the table.

“Why wouldn’t he tell us first?” Jisung sounds broken and it’s all his fault, he’s hurt Hyunjin and now he’s hurt all of them– he can see the heartbreak in Chan’s eyes –

“What did he exactly say?!” Minho shouts, and the manager immediately flits a look at Changbin but he can’t do this, it’s all his fucking fault. 

“We don’t know if it’s possible for sure– He’s requested a leave and we thought it’d be fair if you all knew first–”

The chair makes a loud sound as he pushes away from the table wildly, knocking it over when he stands up on shaky legs, not responding to anyone as he just runs. Runs to the car, disregards all safety rules he knows as he hits the gas, mind stuck on only the words Hyunjin wants to leave Stray Kids.

He gets to the dorms in record time, mind whirring when he sees that the door is open even though he closed it that morning. He barrels through it with shaky limbs and teary eyes and comes face to face with a flabbergasted Hyunjin, whose eyes are red and holding the set of brushes he forgot.

“Changbin–”

“What the fuck do you mean you’re leaving?!” He shouts, immediately regretting it when Hyunjin flinches back, but everything is a mess and his heart hurts and he’s on the brink of collapsing so he can’t really be blamed for shouting.

“I’ve already packed up my stuff… The room is yours to use.” His voice is merely a quiet murmur in contrast to Changbin’s, and he’s moving so calmly around the kitchen and his room is empty from where he can see it and– and he’s leaving, leaving the group, leaving their shared home, leaving Changbin –

“Fuck no!” He spits, moving forward to snatch the bag so Hyunjin can’t put the brushes in. He knows it’s childish and Hyunjin looks pissed but he can’t fucking leave, Changbin won’t let him. “It’s your room, quit acting like a sob and go put your stuff back–”

“Changbin.” Hyunjin’s voice is chill as ice and it freezes him to the bone, cutting him off abruptly. There’s no formalities, no hyung. Just names, as if they’re strangers. “Give me my bag back.”

The other man levels him with a look. His hands are shaking. “No.”

“Give me my fucking bag back.”

He tightens his fist on the straps. “ No. I’m not letting you leave.”

The wood of the paint brushes crackles under Hyunjin’s squeezed fists, and his eyes are alight with a fire Changbin’s never seen before. At least not directed at him. 

“You don’t get to decide that.” He hisses.

His voice is quivering but he doesn’t let go, doesn’t let his eyes waver from Hyunjin’s. “No one wants you to leave– Why are you doing this?!”

“Because I want to fucking leave!” He screams back, finally reaching his breaking point as he slams the brushes down hard enough for some to break apart. “I can’t take it anymore– Every day it’s quiet and you’re not here and–” Hyunjin breaks down in sobs, gripping the counter to stay upright as he continues, “And you don’t fucking care about me, Changbin!”

Something inside him breaks when Changbin hears those words. His heart splinters and he can’t fucking breathe. “Don’t say that. Don’t fucking say that–” 

“Why not?” he whispers back, “I’m tired of fighting, Binnie. I keep trying and trying but it’s not enough for you. I’m not enough.”

Hyunjin sounds like he’s crying but Changbin can’t tell for sure because of his own blurry vision, all ke knows is that he needs him to stop fucking talking. He needs to shut up and go put his stuff back and– he just needs to stop!

“Go put your stuff back– Please, Jinnie… we can talk this out.” He’s begging and he’s shaking so bad– Everything hurts so fucking bad, Hyunjin is leaving and he thinks Changbin doesn’t love him when loving Hyunjin is all he’s has ever fucking known.

“I can’t.” He whispers again, face hidden behind his hands while his shoulders quake, “I can’t stay like this, Changbin– It hurts, every fucking day is a reminder that I’ve lost you– That I’m chasing something I’ll never have–”

“I’m literally right here!” He tries, but he knows it’s not what Hyunjin means.

“You’re not.” Hyunjin chokes out. “You know you’re not, Changbin.”

God , Changbin wants to hold him, wants to drag him close and never let go so he’ll never leave– and for once, he doesn’t resist. 

Hyunjin gasps in surprise when Changbin tugs him forward and leans their foreheads together, one hand gripping his arm like a vice while the other is looped around his waist in a desperate attempt to keep him here.

“I’ll be here.” He tries, and it’s the closest they’ve ever been, the most intimate he’s ever allowed himself to be with Hyunjin and he’s so in love it’s suffocating but Hyunjin can’t leave. “I’ll change, I promise– I’m sorry for everything, I promise I’ll do better– just please don’t leave me.” His voice turns into a choked cry when Hyunjin sobs again, “Please stay– stay with me, Hyunjin. Don’t leave.” Nothing matters anymore when he presses the words into Hyunjin’s skin, when his lips touch the corner of Hyunjin’s mouth after months of denial– it doesn’t matter if he doesn’t deserve it as long as Hyunjin chooses to stay.

Hyunjin hiccups and drags him closer by the waist, pressing his nose into Changbin’s cheek. “You don’t get to say that when you decided to leave me first.” And it’s cruel, it’s harsh and biting and so insanely fucking cruel for his barely beating heart, but what hurts infinitely more is how he can’t bring anything against it.

“I’m so fucking sorry for everything.” He’s begging and it doesn’t matter as long as Hyunjin doesn’t leave– but he’s already pulling away from Changbin’s grip, his beautiful eyes are filled with so much fucking pain and Changbin deserves to suffer forever for what he did to them.

“I am, too.” He might as well have grabbed his paint brushes and driven them into Changbin’s chest. That’s what it feels like, anyway.

“I wish you the best.” He’s quiet as he says it and no, he can’t be fucking leaving– Changbin shakes his head and tightens the grip he has on Hyunjin’s shirt but he frees himself and takes the left bag on the ground– “I hope you find someone you’ll be happy with.”

He’s walking to the door and Changbin’s entire world is crashing down around him, he wants to scream and cry and say you, you make me happy, but Hyunjin is in the doorway and– and he pauses and looks back, and for a split second, it’s there again– The sparkle. His love for Changbin, clear as day. “I’m sorry.” He whispers again, hitched and broken. “I love you.”

And he leaves. He closes the door, and leaves his entire life behind– he leaves Changbin. Hyunjin leaves Stray Kids.

When he crashes to the floor, all Changbin can think of is how fucking stupid he was to think that he wouldn’t be able to love Hyunjin.