Work Text:
“Here you go.”
“Thanks!”
“Yeah whatever.”
The Bikini Bottomite gladly took their food and went to go sit, ignoring the cashier’s cold response. Most everyone did, as pretty much the entire town was familiar enough with the eatery to know about Squidward’s less than savory attitude.
As for Squidward, he just leaned back in the boat-shaped register station, and pulled out one of his music magazines in order to tune out the “barnacle heads” as he often thought of the customers.
The greasy spoon was, as usual, abuzz with activity and flush with the smell of fast food. Customers came and went, countless Krabby Patties were cooked and served, and there were no incidents of a Plankton-related variety (yet).
“ORDER UUUUP”, came that voice for the umpteenth time that day. The voice Squidward had to deal with not only at work, but also at home due to the owner of that voice also living next door to him. Truly, there was no escape. The sea sponge's childlike cheerfulness and bubbly attitude was a stark contrast to the octopus, who tended to be cold and blunt.
“ORDER UP, ONE TRIPLE KRABBY SUPREME!” Spongebob hollered again.
“Do you have to shout?!”
“Duh, how else will the customer know their food is ready?”
“Like, take it to them?!”
“Triple Krabby Supreme! Thanks”, came another voice as the customer took their food and then their seat.
Well, that was that. For now. Squidward glanced at the clock on the wall, possibly for the tenth time that hour. Each passing minute felt like an eternity, and the chatter of the facility’s frycook only made it worse. If there was anything the sea sponge couldn’t do, it was SHUT UP. He could cook, clean, or otherwise do everything by himself, but by Neptune his mouth seemed to always be open, spewing all sorts of nonsensical things. Speaking of…
“Hey Squidward. Squidward.”
Squidward just did his best to ignore his annoying coworker as he always did.
“Squidwaaaard! Squid-”
“WHAT?!”
“Mr Krabs is hosting a potluck party for all the workers tonight!”
“Sure. All the workers. As if we just have so many employees.”
“You gonna come?”
“NO.”
“B-but why?!”
“The whole point of clocking out is to spend LESS time here. Why in the world would I spend more time in this dump, let alone not get paid for it?!”
“It’ll be fun!”
“Fun? Since when does Mr. Krabs do anything around here that’s fun?!”
“Well there is Employee Brotherhood Day-”
“Aaaand that turned out to be a disaster. I’m not going.”
“But-”
“No.”
Spongebob just pouted, and went back to his position at the grill. As awful as Squidward’s response was, he was right about Mr. Krabs not really having a knack for fun work-related events. Whenever he hosted one, more often than not it was done in the absolute cheapest way possible, figuratively and literally. So no, he really didn’t look forward to wasting his time at the Krusty Krab any more than he had to.
Squidward just got back to his work, until-
*sniff*
“What?”
“Y-you’re not coming…”
Well great. Spongebob was crying now, quite apparently a result of Squidward’s harsh refusal to attend the party. “Spongebob-”
“I just thought we could all have fun and get along. I was gonna bring my own food too!”
“Spongebob…”
“What kind of party has only two people anyway?!”
“Oh alright. Stop that.”
“Huh?”
“I’m gonna go, but I’ll only stay for a little while. Now will you be quiet?!”
“You- YOU WILL?! YIPPEE!”
“I SAID FOR YOU TO BE QUIET!”
“What the barnacles is going on out here”, cried out an ever so familiar, gruff voice.
“Mr. Kraaaaabs”, Spongebob chirped, “Squidward’s comin’ to the potluck party!”
“For a little while”, Squidward said as he rolled his eyes.
“Right. Now quit yer hollerin’! You’ll scare away me customers, and worse me money! Back to work now, boys.”
Squidward sighed and tried to get back to work as ordered, doing his best to ignore the sponge’s cheers. Well, he had just gotten himself into going after all because Spongebob’s crying made him feel bad. Welp, now it was time to wait…
Squidward pulled up to the Krusty Krab on his recumbent bicycle, and groaned. He got up, and held the casserole he had been carrying on his lap the whole ride back there. He figured if he was gonna be stuck there, he might as well pitch in and bring a dish (truthfully it had been reheated from the night before, he was too lazy to make something fresh).
He stepped in, and was once again washed over by the building’s warm, greasy atmosphere.
“Squidwaaaaard”, called out the frycook as he ran over to the cashier, “you made it! I knew you would!”
Spongebob hugged Squidward much to his annoyance.
“Don’t touch me.”
The sponge let go and giggled. “Heehee, sorry. Anyway, you can put that over there!” Spongebob pointed to one of the tables, and indeed there were two other food dishes with tin foil on them. Squidward did so, and took a look around the building. Yep. It was poorly decorated, with only one balloon (which was stuck on the ceiling), an absolute eyesore of a party banner (it read “it’s a boy with ‘boy’ crossed out with girl written under it, a rehash of Pearl’s birthday party from last year), and worst of all, nothing to drink and no music. Not even a punch bowl or even the simplest stereo system. Well, this was going to suck.
Squidward just sat down on one of the barrels that served as chairs, and crossed his arms from annoyance. “Fun my suction cups”, he grumbled.
“Don’t worry Squidward, it
will
be fun!”
“AHH! SPONGEBOB!”
He really hated it when Spongebob came out of nowhere like that. “Fun?! How is any of this fun?!” Squidward snapped.
“Well we have pin the tail on the seahorse, bobbing for sea apples…”
“Spongebob. Those are games for children.”
“Doesn’t mean they won’t be fun!”
“That’s it. I’m out.”
“But you just got here!”
“I don’t care.”
“But-”
“Bye.”
Squidward stood up, much to the dismay of Spongebob. “Won’t you at least stay and try the food? I made mine myself!”
“Or?”
“Then I guess I can't stop you.” Spongebob began to pout again, which brought back that awful feeling of guilt. “Fine.”
Squidward went back over to the food table, and indeed there were styrofoam plates and plastic cutlery. He opened up the one that Spongebob went out of his way to label, prepared for the worst. But-
The aroma of freshly prepared food greeted Squidward’s nose, and it smelled- heavenly. He put some of the coral bits on his plate and took a hesitant bite. His eyes widened, it was amazing! Spongebob bit his lower lip with anticipation, eager for Squidward’s critique. He swallowed, and Spongebob wasted no time in speaking up. “Do you love it?!”
“Yeah”, Squidward said without thinking.
“Eeeee”, the sea sponge squealed, “it’s my mom’s recipe!”
Squidward felt himself become embarrassed, but the food was indeed good. Now to see what their boss brought. He removed the foil, and- oh. It was ice cream, quite obviously a store bought kind as it was sloppily scooped in there, already partially melted. Now that was just sad.
He decided to pass on the ice cream, and put some more coral bits on his plate and sat back down. He just ate in silence, ignoring the chatter of Spongebob and Mr. Krabs.
Honestly, in spite of how good the coral bits were, he did plan to leave after he was finished eating. This had to be by far the lamest, saddest get-together he ever had the misfortune of attending. So he just kept on sitting there, munching on the food his annoying co-worker brought. He couldn’t help but look up at his boss and the frycook, and it seemed they were done chit-chatting for now, with Spongebob helping himself to the food and Mr Krabs retreating into his office to count money or something.
With that the sour octopus just kept eating, eager to get out of there.
“Hi Squidward!”
It took everything Squidward had to refrain from choking as he jumped from fright. “Stop doing that”, he snapped.
“Sorry Squiddy ol buddy”, Spongebob said with a grin as he took his seat at the table as well.
“Squiddy? And I’m not your buddy.”
Spongebob either didn’t hear that remark, or just didn’t care.
“I’m gonna try what you brought right now! I love casserole!”
Spongebob wasted no time in taking a big bite of the lazily reheated casserole, chewed and swallowed. “Mm, not bad! Thanks!”
“Yeah.”
With the sea sponge having the gall to sit next to him, Squidward could feel the already present irritation getting that much worse. Spongebob just kept babbling as he always did, and it was a miracle he managed to do both that and shovel food into his buck-toothed mouth at the same time. On and on he went. Blah blah blah, jellyfishing. Blah blah blah Patrick. Blah blah blah ice cream. Blah blah blah…
Poor Squidward’s eye was beginning to twitch. The more Spongebob yacked, the harder it was to tune him out. This was it. He was about to snap. He opened his own mouth, this time most likely to start yelling. But-
*hic*
“Huh?”
Spongebob hiccuped again, still doing his best to dig into the massive heap of ice cream he had on his plate as well.
He had been tuning out the frycook’s babbling for so long, he hadn’t really paid much attention at all. Not to the time, not to how the sponge had apparently begun to move ever more sluggish as time went on. “Spongebob?”
Spongebob looked up at Squidward, his face breaking out into a goofy grin. “Squidwaaaaard”, he slurred, “this ice cream is great! Have some!”
Something definitely wasn’t right, as if the sponge’s behavior wasn’t enough of a clue. But drunk? How?! There was no booze anywhe- oh. A sneaking suspicion began to appear in the octopus’ mind, and his brow began to furrow with anger. Mr Krabs.
He got up, and wasted no time in stomping over to the room that served as Mr Krabs’ office. He pounded on the metal door, each rap ripe with his fury. “Mr Squidward”, came the crab’s voice from the other side, “if this about that raise I refused ya-”
“NO. Where did you get that ice cream?!”
“Eh?”
Squidward slammed the door open, and it hit the wooden wall with a clang. He stormed into the office, and looked his boss dead in the eye. “Is that Goofy Goober ice cream out there”, the grumpy cephalopod said sternly.
“And?”
Squidward was taken aback. “Mr Krabs! Why?!”
“It was on sale.”
“You KNOW what that stuff does to people! Everyone does!”
“...”
“Now Spongebob Drunkpants is out there, and now he’s in no state to get back home!”
“That so?”
“Yes!”
They went back and forth for a few minutes, with Squidward being too angry to be surprised at himself sticking up for that sponge.
Finally, the argument ended with Krabs nonchalantly suggesting Squidward take the intoxicated sponge home if he’s so worried, to which Squidward shouted “FINE” before storming out of the office, realizing what he’d said a few seconds later. Welp, no backing out of that, because otherwise he’d stoop down to Krabs’ level of pettiness.
He rolled his crimson pupils and slowly went over to his unwell co-worker. This really wasn’t okay, and neither was Spongebob being in that awful state. It really did pull at the heartstrings of Squidward’s otherwise apathetic soul, so he sighed and decided to just get on with it. He knelt down, and gently shook Spongebob by the shoulder. “Hey. Spongebob”, he said softly.
“Eh?” The sea sponge groggily looked up. He was a mess- dried ice cream was smeared around his mouth, he had clearly eaten more of it while Squidward was arguing with their boss.
“I’m taking you home now, okay?”
“But the *hic* party…”
“Look. You and I both know you’re in no state to make it home yourself. I’m taking you home. Come on.”
“A-alrighty… I’m ready, I’m ready…”
“Stop that. Let’s just go.”
With that, he helped Spongebob get up and led him outside to his bike, and thus began the long, awkward trip back home.
It was silent when they arrived, save for the buzzing of a few jellyfish and the soft whoosh of some nearby underwater current. Overall the night was very calm, quite a contrast to the heated fight from earlier.
Squidward got up from his bike, but not before hoisting the drunk frycook off of his lap and onto the sandy seafloor. He immediately got to work helping Spongebob walk to his pineapple, and after a bit of digging through the square one’s pockets he found the house key. The door swung open with a turn of the wheel on it, and the living room was dark and silent much like the night outside.
Squidward shut the door behind them, and laid Spongebob down on the living room’s sofa. He decided to leave the light off, so that way his co-worker could possibly get some rest. He sat down in the big chair with the life ring as a cushion, and decided to at least switch the tv on so he wouldn’t be bored.
“Meow.” Squidward jumped a bit. “Oh. Hey Gary.”
“Meow?” Gary mewed curiously as his eye stalks looked towards his owner.
“He’s drunk.”
“MEOW?!”
“Yeah. Blame Mr. Krabs and his penny pinching for that. Now I’m stuck here babysitting him so he doesn’t hurt himself.”
“Meow…”
Gary slithered over his owner and got onto the sofa with him, and proceeded to lean against the sea sponge in an apparent attempt to offer comfort. As for Squidward, he just leaned back into the chair and flipped through the channels to keep himself occupied.
Movies, documentaries, cartoons… nothing seemed to interest him as House Fancy wasn’t on this late at night. He sighed, and just set down the remote and let whatever channel he was on do its thing.
“Squidward”, came Spongebob’s muffled voice.
“What?”
“I love you.”
“No you don't, you're drunk. Go to sleep”, Squidward responded immediately.
A few more boring minutes passed.
“Squidward?”
“What?”
“I’m cold.”
“Are you now?”
“Yeah… Can I have a blanket?”
“Whatever. Where can I find one?”
“My room up the stairs…”
“Fine.”
Squidward reluctantly stood, then went up the stairs of the undersea pineapple to find that blanket. He eventually reached that bedroom, and there it was. A purple blanket with floral print atop the three mattresses. He grabbed it, but not before shooting the accursed fog horn alarm a cold glare (he hated hearing it every morning). He went back downstairs, and draped the blanket over Spongebob.
“Thanks Squidward.”
“Don’t mention it. Seriously, don’t.”
The sponge’s voice was slow and slurred, he was quite apparently still heavily intoxicated which likely wouldn’t change any time soon.
Squidward sat back down, and proceeded to clench his suction cupped fists. Dang Mr Krabs. This was all HIS fault! Squidward’s first thought was to call the authorities, but he quickly realized that would be futile. See, if the sale of that accursed ice cream was allowed already, calling the cops on Mr Krabs probably wouldn’t do any good. With that revelation, poor Squidward just grunted curtly.
He sat there and listened as the tv droned on, and he kept his metaphorical ears open in case Spongebob had any more drunken requests. Or at least he did, until…
“Snore… mew…”
Oh finally. Spongebob was asleep. Thank Neptune. Squidward’s first thought was to get up and leave, but he decided against it. What if Spongebob woke up and hurt himself in the middle of the night, or worse had a hangover in the morning? Of course he was surprised with how concerned he was, but he just knew it was the right thing to do regardless. With that, he at least tried to get comfy since he was going to be there all night.
He took one final glance at the snoozing sea sponge alongside his beloved pet, and he couldn’t help but smile a bit. Yes, it was a pretty adorable sight, albeit a sad one. He leaned back into the chair once more, and before he knew it his eyes found themselves closing and he himself fell asleep. As he drifted off, one final thought entered his mind:
I’m gonna get you for this, Krabs.