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“Stay with me, c'mon!” Buck rips open the uniform shirt in his way not even sparing a second to look down. There's an expanse of tan skin and he’s wanted his hands on it for years but not like this, never like this. Unfocused brown eyes look up at him, fingers reaching, searching. They grab onto him, slipping on the blood. The bright red, warm blood that coats everything. “Are you hurt?” The words reach Buck’s ears and tears sting his eyes at it. He’s always so damn self-sacrificing, always wanting to make sure everyone else is okay, make sure Buck is okay–
Buck sits up, gasping and sweating. He reaches over, fingers searching for the hand he knows has been next to him every night since it all happened.
“Buck?” the sleepy voice to his left asks, face still pressed into the pillow.
He turns over and lets his arms fall around the body next to him, pulling the other man close with a sigh. They haven't really talked about it at all. With everything else going on it's just kind of…fell to the wayside. He didn't mean for it to, not really. After all, the sharing a bed, lingering touches, and gentle whispers are more than enough. If it never goes further and it's all he ever gets, he'd be happy. He'd be happy to have experienced this, to have had Eddie for even just a little while.
“I'm fine,” he confirms, his voice a little hoarse. He's not fine, not really. But Eddie has his own demons, his own nightmares to deal with from the shooting. He doesn't need to take on Buck's too. “Go back to sleep.” He leans down and leaves a kiss on Eddie's temple. It's become kind of a guilty pleasure, this thing that they have going on.
It started when Ana left, teary eyed and saying that she couldn't do this, couldn't see Eddie like this. She'd met a confused Buck at the front of the house, pushing past him roughly. Buck found Eddie 5 minutes later sitting in a puddle of water on the bathroom floor, suds still in his hair. He was naked, arm in a sling with a miserable look in his eyes.
“Ana's gone,” he'd whispered to a still confused Buck. “She's not coming back.”
Buck's heart broke.
Eddie didn’t say anything else about it. Buck didn’t ask him to. Instead, he grabbed a washcloth from the closet and spent 45 minutes gently helping Eddie clean himself. When the other man was exhausted, both emotionally and physically, Buck deposited him on the bed before putting the bathroom back in order. He let a towel soak the water from the floor, placed the knocked over toothbrushes back in the holder, and bleached the shower tiles. Only when that was done did he let himself go into the room where Eddie was and allowed himself to watch the rise and fall of his chest. How Ana could have left him like that, he’ll never understand.
“You’re not fine,” he hears Eddie whisper, face turned into his chest and bad arm titled away as best he can. Buck can tell he’s in pain. His shoulder is still healing after all.
“What are we doing?” The question falls from his lips almost without permission. He didn’t want to have this conversation, no now. Not while Eddie is still raw in almost every way. He’s still getting over a breakup while his skin is trying to stitch itself back together. That doesn’t even cover the emotional and mental hell he’s been going through. Nightmares of Afghanistan, of losing Chris, even of Shannon’s death. Buck knows he’s had some nightmares about the ladder truck and the embolism too. He pretends to not hear those. Pretends not to wake up when Eddie is sniffling against his pillow and hoarsely yelling out Buck’s name.
Eddie shifts his weight a bit so they can really look at each other. He sighs deeply, letting a soft noise fall from his lips. “I–” he looks at Buck, really looks at him, and the other man feels leveled under the gaze. “I don’t know.”
“Okay,” Buck breathes in as he answers, still looking into Eddie’s eyes. He knows that their friendship isn't normal. It hasn’t been for a long time. The minute that tsunami hit the pier, Buck knew that his and Eddie’s friendship was never going to be normal, and wouldn't ever be like the others they know. What he didn’t account for was slowly falling in love with his best friend. Slowly but surely they went through so many things that would break even the most seasoned couples. But together, they worked through them and came out stronger on the other side, their friendship never faltering. This shooting is just another in the long list of horrifying experiences that they’ll live through. Buck would never forgive himself if he kept everything tucked away. If he never said anything out of fear. Because he knows that he is to Eddie, even if they’ve never voiced it.
“I think–” he pauses, running a hand through Eddie’s hair. It grounds him, touching Eddie like that. To know that he’s still there, still alive. “No, I know that I love you.” There’s an intake of breath, but no words interrupt him. He turns away from Eddie’s gaze. He can’t continue if he has to look into those eyes and possibly see something he doesn’t like starting back. “I know that you think that maybe I only stay around for Chris, but Eds,” his voice cracks. “I really love you too.”
He turns back, watches the way that Eddies swallows, before leaning down again, letting his head fall against Buck’s chest. “Did you think I–what did you think this was? For me?”
Buck just shrugs. Because he doesn't know; not really. Up until a few days ago Eddie was still with Ana, even if it wasn’t going well. Up until a few days ago Buck wasn’t even completely conscious of his own feelings, even if he knows they’ve been growing since the first day they met.
“I wouldn't give Chris to just anyone. I don’t trust everyone with him.” Eddie whispers directly into Buck’s chest; so soft he almost can’t be heard. “How could you ever think that I don’t–that I wouldn’t–”
Buck cuts him off. Turns just slightly so he can lay a soft kiss on Eddie's lips. It’s not exactly the way he’s been dreaming of it. Eddie is surprised so it takes him a moment for his eyes to close and to kiss back. It’s gentle, super soft in a way that Buck usually isn’t. He tends to lean into the passion of it all, to strip himself and someone else completely bare under his lips and fingers. But, with this he won't do that, he can’t. Because Eddie is fragile right now, but so is he. Not even just physically, but mentally and emotionally as well.
“Hey,” Eddie pulls back, bringing his good arm up to Buck's face and wipes away a few stray tears. “You okay?”
Buck shakes his head but after a few moments nods. He brings a hand up to lay over Eddie's and takes a breath. “I'm just–I’m happy. ”
Eddie smiles up at him and Buck feels like his insides are melting. He leans in to kiss Eddie again and the man gasps into it when Buck decides his best idea yet is to introduce tongue into it all.
“Okay,” Eddie pulls back again after a few moments, cheeks red and voice hoarse. “When I'm better,” he whispers into Buck's neck where he's resting his head. “We're gonna do that again.”
Buck can't help it, he laughs. He feels Eddie smile against his skin. “Whatever you want.”
“Anything?” Eddie smirks and raises an eyebrow.
“Yea,” Buck whispers. “Anything. Absolutely anything.”
“Right now,” Eddie turns a bit to take pressure off his shoulder and pulls Buck down with him. “Can you just–” he moves again so his back is flush against Buck's chest. “Yea, like that.”
“Would anyone believe that Eddie Diaz wants to be the little spoon?”
“Shut up, Buckley,” he teases back. “Cuddle me. I just got shot. I deserve it.”
Buck just smiles, hands finding themselves running through Eddie's hair. “I told you, Eds. Anything you want.”