Chapter Text
17 years ago…
Lilianne Lalonde’s attention was diverted from her textbook by the sound of a crash. Swearing under her breath, she ran from her bedroom to the main room of her shitty little apartment to check on her newly acquired guests. Little Dirk The Second Strider was sitting next to a fallen lamp looking surprised by this mystery of cause and effect. Tutting, she hurried over to scoop him up in her arms. “Dirk, I know you’re very busy being catatonic, but do you think you could…” She trailed off as she turned to the couch that Dirk Strider (the first) had crashed on yesterday afternoon and not moved from since. As far as she could tell, he hadn’t yet eaten one goddamn thing and had only gone to the bathroom once. So when, exactly, did he acquire the large, clown-like ventriloquist dummy sitting on his stomach, staring down at him while he stared back into its beady blue eyes?
“Uh… Dirk?” she asked. Dirk II was already squirming and whining to get out of her arms, but she couldn’t take her eyes off the puppet.
Dirk grunted a reply.
“What’s that?”
He glanced briefly to her before returning his attention to the puppet. “Cal,” he said.
“Um, where’d he come from?”
“Motherfucker’s a thing as has always been,” Dirk mumbled.
“... Right.” Liliane looked down at the little boy who was now whining and making grabbing motions for the puppet and wondered if she should call an exit therapist. Would he leave her if she didn’t? What would he leave if she did? When was he going to be himself again? The bright, brilliant boy she’d known in childhood… Her first crush… Was he gone forever?
She looked back to Dirk and yelped in surprise, jumping back and almost dropping Dirk II, at the sight of the puppet suddenly sitting on the arm of the couch, staring back at her. Dirk was sitting up behind it. Of course, he must have set it there when he sat up. Of course… “Do you want something to eat?” she asked.
He smirked up at her in a way that wasn’t remotely kind, and she pulled Dirk II closer to her chest. “You askin’ me to eat’cha?” he asked with a laugh.
She rolled her eyes. “That’s crude even for you, and kind of inappropriate when I’m holding your son, and to be honest, I’m really exhausted, and some of us have school tomorrow. I still don’t know who’s going to watch you, and－ What?”
He’d stood from the couch, watching her closely as he slowly encroached until he was standing right in front of her. “Ain’t that whatcha been wantin’ all the long?” he asked. “First day to last. An’ now here ya stand, my motherfuckin’ hero. And all with no kind of reward? Sounds all kinds unrighteous to me.” He reached out, took Dirk II from her, and set the little boy back on the floor.
“I think…”
“Don’t.” And then he pushed her against the wall and kissed her. “Come on, doctor,” he whispered with a quiet laugh against her jaw. “Gimme your cure… Fix me right… Make me forget…”
Now…
Bro climbed out of his pickup, slammed the door shut, and locked it with the remote. Shoving his hands in his pockets, he made his way to the front door of the Beacon Hills Sheriff’s Station. Inside, he nodded to the officer at the desk, and she nodded back, though she did look a little perplexed. He didn’t need to identify himself; they knew him here. But it was pretty rare that he voluntarily walked in the front door, in uniform no less. He also didn’t need to ask anyone where Stilinski’s office was, instead heading straight there.
He opened the door to find Sheriff Stilinski and the Mayor of Fairvale chatting pleasantly like it was any other day, any other political visit. As far as the Mayor knew, it was, so Stilinski kept the friendly vibe going as he looked up and smiled at Bro. “Sheriff Strider! Come on in!”
Bro went in, nodded a greeting to the Mayor, who smiled and nodded back.
Stilinski shuffled a few papers together as he stood. “Well, I guess now that everyone’s here, we can finally head on to the school,” he said.
The Mayor nodded and stood, but seemed to hesitate. “I must say,” he said quietly, “I’m a bit confused as to why I need two sheriffs as escort?”
Said sheriffs exchanged guilty glances. Bro quickly lied, “Well, the whole point of this meeting is to see if this school is a better solution for the young women that unfortunately make their way into Fair County jails and prisons. Your assistant thought it a good idea to get Stilinski’s input on how that’s going for him as well as mine on how it might work for us.”
“That does sound reasonable,” the Mayor admitted, scratching at his chin.
“Yep, that it is,” Stilinski said quickly, herding the tiny old man as gently as possible toward the door. “So, yeah, let’s go. Give our opinions.”
Bro rolled his eyes as they passed. And he’d thought Dave was a bad liar…
You shove your algebra book into your locker, close it, spin the lock, turn around, and absolutely do not screech like a little girl to find Karkat standing behind you, arms crossed and looking intensely uncomfortable, though that quickly gives way to staring up at you with total bewilderment. “Strider, what the hell?” he demands. “Why are you so jumpy?”
“Urg, sorry,” you say. “Gamzee snuck up on me last night and gave me the unholy creeps and, oh, uh, I guess I shouldn’t have mentioned that to you?”
He shrugs tensely and doesn’t look you in the eyes. Awe, man. “No, it’s fine. He hasn’t spoken to me in over a year, and even then, it was barely coherent rambling,” he says. You notice that phrasing was ‘he hasn’t spoken to me’ and was not ‘I haven’t spoken to him,’ but you do have at least enough sense to not bring that up.
“Okay,” you say, because you don’t know what else to say. “Um.”
“So about that, um, date you mentioned…” Karkat says, back to looking intensely uncomfortable and still not looking you in the eye. My, what an interesting locker must exist just to your left.
“Oh, uh, right!” you say. “So, um, like, do you－?”
“I was actually wondering if you were talking about the formal?” he mumbles.
You blink at him. “The what now?”
Finally, he looks you in the eye, discomfort giving away to incredulity, which you suppose is a sort of victory. “The school dance?” he suggests. When he doesn’t get an immediate response, he sighs heavily and says, “Which, obviously, you know nothing about, because you’re socially inept.”
“Hey, I’ve been distracted lately!” you argue, and he gives you a fake-unamused look in an attempt to cover the blush. You hadn’t meant that line as flirting, but you’re definitely owning it as such now. “But, I mean, yeah, if you want to－”
“Hell, no!” he objects loudly. Pft. “But, um, Aradia’s been sulking since it was announced, and it’s on Friday, and no one has asked her. Probably because of last year?”
Um. “Remind me what happened last year?”
Incredulity again. He’s so adorably expressive. “Trent dumped her the second she showed up because she was wearing a suit?” he reminds you, which sounds vaguely familiar. “The next school day, you walked into his homeroom in the middle of class and punched him in the face in front of thirty witnesses?” Heh, oh yeah. Bro had been peeved off until you told him your reasoning, upon which he had high-fived you.
“So no one’s asking her this time because she’s dapper as fuck, and they’re not, and also all her friends and family are a bit on the violent side?” you guess, and he nods with a grimace. “Yeah, hold on.” You pull out your phone and bring up Pesterchum.
-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering apocalypseArisen [AA] --
TG: omg radia girl i heard the most incredible piece of gossip just now you will not believe
AA: lmao what is it?
TG: i heard that not one of the idiots at this school has mustered up the courage to ask to dance with the finest lady here
TG: ie you
AA: oh
AA: um yeah
AA: but you know thats okay i didnt want to go
TG: well i do and karkat is a sourpuss
TG: (see what i did there with the cat joke)
TG: (cuz he’s a car cat)
AA: pffft
TG: so i am sorely missing some arm candy
TG: and it seems that the misfortune of others may just be my luck
TG: come on radia this may be my only opportunity to feel what its like to have every asshole in the room be intensely jealous of me
AA: oh my god
TG: come on do it
TG: dooooo it
TG: BC
AA: oh wow an expression!! this really is serious! lmao
TG: serious like cancer
TG: so is that a yes
AA: do i have to wear a dress?
TG: what no forbidden we cant both wear dresses radia what will the fashion police say
AA: lmao
AA: okay fine
AA: but i want it noted that im only doing this out of pity because you are dateless
TG: obviously
-- apocalypseArisen [AA] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG] --
You might be smirking a little when you put your phone away, reporting, “Matter handled. Gonna woo the socks off our mutual girl-bro and show her the night of her life. Don’t worry your short heart.”
“Thank you,” Karkat says, rolling his eyes. “Truly you are the very incarnation of the spirit of altruism.”
You laugh a little at that. “Um, so… just to be clear… since things have not been off to the most stellar of starts so far, you, um, you do wanna date me, right? Just not this dance thing?”
He raises an eyebrow at you. And then he goes up on his toes and kisses you light and quick, which is both the most adorable thing ever and the best thing that’s ever happened to you. “Yes, dumbass, and you’d better come up with something better than bowling next time,” he growls.
You are maybe grinning a little bit. “Yeah, okay,” you say. “Okay, cool.”
“UNLAWFUL!” Terezi Pyrope, cockblocking extraordinaire, calls from down the hall. “PDA IS EXPRESSLY FORBIDDEN BY THE STUDENT HANDBOOK!”
Oh good, people are looking now. “NO ONE EVEN READS THAT!” Karkat calls back. But he’s already moving toward her to help her navigate the halls. Urg. She’s already shouting back something about how ignorance is not an excuse. You still have time before class and being early is for assholes, but despite the fact that they’d helped last night, you still don’t see John and Jade anywhere, and your sister is the kind of asshole to be early to class. Hrm.
You wander a little to see if you can find your own friends before class starts. You end up in the atrium, where a few dozen kids are gathered around two tables selling baked goods to raise money for… some kind of club? You recognize Kanaya Maryam, a Speaker kid who wasn’t adopted by the Midnight Crew for whatever reason, from Rose’s class, and beeline for her. Won’t hurt to kiss the ass of another Speaker kid, just in case.
You sidle up in front of her at the table and ask, “So, what’s good?”
She looks up at you with a bored expression. “You want a recommendation?” she asks.
You shrug. “Yeah, sure, you’ve got hella selection,” you tell her. “So do a guy a favor and maybe lay some guidance on me?”
She looks at you like you’re a particularly strange and fascinating bug that has just landed in her food. “I can’t eat sugar,” she tells you.
Oh, hey, that sounds familiar. “Oh right, me either, actually,” you tell her. She raises an eyebrow, and you clarify, “Uh, recent dietary change thingy.”
She looks you over for a moment, then reaches across the table and plucks up an oversized muffin that smells amazing. “Protein muffin. Peanut butter and bacon are the main flavors. It uses unsweetened applesauce instead of butter and sugar. Two dollars, fifty cents.”
“Holy shit, yes,” you say, and you start digging out your wallet. A quick glance around tells you that no one’s paying attention, so, sure, let’s live dangerously. “So, uh, are you a werewolf, too?” you ask when you hand over the money.
She takes it with an eyeroll. “No, I eat people,” she says.
You laugh and take your muffin. At least she’s got a sense of humor about weird as hell questions.
“You may wish to keep that in mind,” she says before you can turn away, “should you ever consider breaking Karkat’s heart.”
Oh. Right. She’s in Rose’s class, but she’s also in Karkat’s… book club thingy? Romance. Girl stuff. Bleh. (Wait, shit, he probably wants you to be romantic at him. Shit shit shit.) “Look, I appreciate he’s got so many people who care,” you tell her, “but after you’ve had Spades Slick hold a knife to the back of your neck, no further threats are really necessary. Consider me all the way warned. I am maxed out on warning. I will tiptoe around Karkat’s delicate feelings like an elephant in a minefield.” You take a bite of muffin, and yes, best decision. Should check out bake sales every day.
She’s raised her eyebrow at you again. “Slick threatened you?” she asks, and you nod. “And yet you are unharmed?”
“Must have been my amazing charm,” you tell her. She clearly doesn’t believe you, so you amend, “I’m pretty sure Aradia threatened to tell her daddy on him.”
“Hm,” is all she says. She turns her attention to another customer, and you take that as a dismissal.