Work Text:
Chaewon had attempted the same move over and over again for ten minutes, but she just wasn’t getting it. Each time she stopped to catch her breath, it was like all of the practice she’d done reset, and she was back to square one. She was just as frustrated as the instructor, if not more.
“Again, from the top.”
Chaewon nodded, getting back into position. The first few times they’d practiced this part of the dance, they’d done it as a group, but the instructor quickly realized that it wasn’t a group issue. It was a Chaewon issue.
The rest of them sat against the walls, drinking water and watching the display with pain in their features. Chaewon understood; they couldn’t do anything to help her, and- if the performance she was displaying looked half as awkward as if felt- she’d grimace while watching it too.
“Chaewon, I said again .”
“Sorry,” she bowed slightly, wiping the corner of her mouth where a bit of saliva had accumulated. “I’m- sorry, I’m ready.” She shook her head, recovering from the small absence seizure and avoiding eye contact with the members.
She ran the dance step by step, marking the moves without much power, as she was still not at the ‘details’ stage of learning. She stumbled slightly about halfway through the dance, throwing her momentum off as she struggled to remember the next steps.
“It’s- hand, then neck…then…”
“Shoulder,” the instructor finished, grabbing her and moving her body. “Let’s stop here.”
Chaewon glanced at the clock. They still had an hour and a half left of practice time. “I can keep going.”
“Yes, and you will,” she said, grabbing her coat. “But I won’t waste my time trying to teach you when you’re obviously not prepared to learn. Over, and over, and over again I’ve explained this dance, and you’re the only one not understanding. So, I’m done. Your members can teach you, and you can watch the video that I’ve filmed for you, and I’ll see where your progress is in two days.”
“Please don’t go,” Chaewon asked, bowing deeply. “If I just practice a little more-”
“Don’t beg,” she interrupted, holding up a hand. “You’re better than this. I’m disappointed. Practice harder, then show me the results later.”
She left without another word, and Chaewon blinked rapidly, nose stinging. The world went fuzzy around her, and when it cleared, Kazuha was standing in front of her, holding a water bottle in one hand and Chaewon’s elbow in the other. She stumbled back, shocked.
“Take a break for a little while, unnie; drink some water. You’ll get it eventually.”
Chaewon let herself be led to the wall and slid down it, drinking her water greedily. She felt as if she hadn’t even earned it. “Where is Sakura?”
“She went to talk with the instructor,” Yunjin explained, putting up her hair. “Do you want to keep working? You nearly have it, unnie. It’s just repetition at this point.”
Chaewon stood, wiping her eyes. “You should all go home; this is the last schedule for today, and I don’t want to keep you here. You know the dance already.”
“All of us could use the practice,” Eunchae retaliated lightly. “She was kind of singling you out. You’re not that far behind the rest of us, and I’m not just saying that to make you feel better.” She stood next to Yunjin, shaking out her legs. “Come on, let’s start from where you left off.”
Chaewon fell in with the other three, marking the dance again. She always performed better when the instructor was gone. Scrutinizing eyes made her unsteady and nervous. She felt breathless and a little lightheaded.
“Do you need a break?”
“No,” Chaewon responded immediately. If the others weren’t tired, she didn’t get to be, either. “Where’s Sakura?”
“She’s talking with the instructor,” Kazuha explained, eyebrows furrowed. “Are you okay? You already asked me that.”
Chaewon didn’t remember doing that. “What’s she talking with the instructor about?” The members didn’t say anything, and she scanned their faces. “What? What is it?”
“She was pretty upset about the way the instructor talked to you and stormed out,” Eunchae stated plainly. “We all were, but she wanted to do something about it.”
“What, because I can’t dance?”
“You’ve been having absence seizures all day,” Yunjin said. Sometimes Chaewon knew about her seizures after the fact. The lost time, confusion, and drool often clued her in. But while they were happening, she was completely unaware. “It’s understandable that you’re having a tougher time learning the choreography, and she needs to accommodate for that.”
Chaewon cursed herself. She’d made a promise to her members and to herself that she wouldn’t let her epilepsy stop her from being a successful idol. She’d work twice as hard to make up for her shortcomings, and she’d lead by example.
This was certainly not what she’d promised. Accommodations, dragging everybody down- it wasn’t what she wanted.
“I just need to go over it a few more times. I’ll learn it by the end of practice time today.”
“Unnie, it’s okay to-”
“It’s not okay to underperform,” she interrupted Kazuha, not even looking at her. “This is my job, so just…please help me do it. From the top.”
She worked through the dance in its entirety with the rest of the members, improving every time she did it. Then, she sent the rest of them to take a break while she ran through it again, and they provided criticism. It wasn’t long before Sakura re-entered the room and took a seat, watching Chaewon as well.
“That looked good,” she complimented her. “You have all the moves correct. Do you want to try to do it sharper? We could do detailed work as a group.”
“No, I need to memorize the moves first,” Chaewon told the eldest. Repetition led to muscle memory, which was essential for their performances. There was a reason that the most frequent word in any dance practice room was ‘again’.
So, she did it again. She glanced at the clock. An hour of practice remained. She danced again, then again, and the members joined her at different times, resting at others. She had to do better. She had to be better.
“Chaewon, stop.” Sakura stood in front of her, holding her wrists. “It’s time to go home.”
Chaewon glanced at the clock. “I still have a half hour.”
“I know, but you’ve done the dance enough to know it as well as the rest of us. We’re at the same level, now, and you’re exhausted. Please, let’s go home.” Chaewon shook her head, pulling her hands free. Just a few more times. Just until she was good enough to-
To…
“I have to- to practice harder,” she stuttered slightly. “Can you play the lyrics?” She shook her head. “I mean- the song. I want to practice with music.”
Begrudgingly, Yunjin turned the music on, and Chaewon began to dance again.
Yunjin didn’t claim to be empathetic to what Chaewon was feeling when it came to her condition. She wasn’t epileptic, and she didn’t know what it was like to always be scared of having another seizure, and- more commonly for their leader- to worry about those seizures causing issues for the rest of the team.
She was sympathetic, though, and seeing Chaewon drive herself into the ground over a choreography mistake was killing her. It wasn’t even her fault . Anybody would struggle to follow along with a dance if they were having absence seizures while it was being taught.
Still, there was no getting through to her.
She had a goal and a will to achieve it, even as her dance grew less and less powerful and her eyes took on a glazed over look. After half of the song played, Chaewon stopped in place, chest heaving.
It was oddly reminiscent of the first seizure she’d ever witnessed, all those months ago, as they prepared for their debut. Except now, she knew what was coming.
She turned off the music and approached her, wrapping a hand around her waist. “Unnie, take a seat,” she said softly, stepping backwards and lowering her to the ground. She didn’t protest at all, just stared at Yunjin and blinked rapidly. “It’s alright; catch your breath.”
Sakura grit her teeth, standing against the wall and seething. “I should tell the instructor to come in here now and take a look. I’ll ask if this looks like somebody who is capable of learning choreography.”
“She doesn’t know about her condition,” Kazuha reminded the eldest, digging through Chaewon’s bag for a towel and her medication. “To her, it just looked like laziness.”
“The signs were clear from a mile away,” Sakura retorted. “I knew she was going to have a seizure almost three hours ago. She’d been having absences all day, and she couldn’t focus on anything. She shouldn’t have even been dancing.”
“You know there’s no way she’d sit out on group practice, and we shouldn’t try to force her,” Eunchae voiced her opinion. “Chaewon-unnie always says that she wants to participate in activities until she can’t. Skipping practice wouldn't have prevented this.” She looked at Chaewon, who had yet to start seizing, but was writhing uncomfortably next to Yunjin. “It just would’ve made her fall behind in learning the dance.”
Sakura sighed, relenting. “You’re right. But I still don’t think the lecture was appropriate. Chaewon wouldn’t waste a staff member’s time on purpose.”
“When she’s ready to tell everybody about her diagnosis, I’m sure people will start to be more accommodating,” Kazuha encouraged her, patting her back. “It’ll be okay.”
She approached Yunjin and Chaewon, sliding the towel underneath her head and sitting behind her to keep her on her side. Yunjin spoke softly to her, patting her hip.
“Keep taking deep breaths,” she instructed. “I’m right here. You’re okay.”
“I can’t…can’...see.”
“It’s okay, nothing’s wrong.” Yunjin squeezed the muscles in her arms and applied firm pressure to the muscles and the vagus nerve on her neck. She often got agitated before and after a seizure, her heart rate spiking, her thoughts racing, becoming increasingly disoriented. Deep pressure stimulation seemed to help with that. “Everything’s good. I’m right here.”
She repeated herself almost like she was chanting until Chaewon’s head turned to the side, her neck muscles straining, her entire body going stiff, the muscles around her lungs forcing a pained groan through her lips.
Yunjin reached for her phone and started the timer as Eunchae and Sakura joined them, sitting by her feet and waiting calmly. Unfortunately, despite the scary visuals of her seizures, they were a common occurrence. They’d all seen calm seizures and violent seizures. They handled them alone or as a group, depending on who was around.
As long as Chaewon was in a safe space, away from cameras or prying eyes, and under the care of somebody who was familiar with her condition, there was nothing to worry about.
Thankfully, Chaewon was good about identifying her auras and finding somebody to help her. And- even when she wasn’t- the rest of them were just as good at identifying the signs that she was going to have a seizure, too.
“There we go,” Yunjin breathed out softly. Chaewon had started to convulse, breaths gurgling, face turning red, hands bumping against the American’s knees. “Zuha, can you turn her more towards me?”
“Yeah, here.” Kazuha got behind her and pushed gently, turning Chaewon so the saliva could drain from her mouth instead of falling back into her throat. Luckily, Chaewon was one of the smaller members of the group. If it came down to it, the others wouldn’t have a problem carrying her or pulling her out of a dangerous situation.
Still though, the way she bucked and thrashed during an episode made any sort of maneuver difficult, especially when there was only one other member with her.
“This one’s not too bad,” Yunjin noted. Chaewon’s shaking had already settled into twitching, and would soon be a tremble before she completely stilled. Her hands rested against Yunjin’s legs, and her pupils moved from one side to the other, then reset involuntarily. “Keep taking some deep breaths, unnie. You’re doing well.”
Kazuha reached around and grabbed part of the towel, wiping Chaewon’s mouth roughly to clear it of any saliva before she started gasping and coughing like she did after most seizures. If too much fluid was in her mouth, it was possible for her to aspirate and get sick, and it was likely that she’d gag and throw up.
“How long was that one?” Eunchae asked as Chaewon finally laid still.
Yunjin checked the timer. “A minute and two seconds.”
Chaewon’s chest heaved like she’d run a marathon, and soft humming noises became muffled in the material of the towel-pillow she laid on. After a few more seconds, she gasped, her eyes opening a little wider, her whole body jolting with the regaining of consciousness.
“Hey, unnie.” Yunjin grabbed her hands, holding them tightly in hers. “You’re so cold. I wish I had a blanket.” There were a few blankets in their lounge, but that was on an entirely different floor, and none of the members intended on staying at the company building any longer than they had to. “Can you hear me?”
Chaewon nodded softly, closing her eyes. “...ouch.”
“Does your head hurt?” Yunjin asked, shielding her from the lights overhead. Eunchae ran to the light switches and turned them to the lowest setting. “Better?”
“A little,” she murmured. “I’m- it’s okay?”
“Yeah, everything’s fine,” Yunjin assured her. “You had a seizure after dance practice, and we’re just waiting for you to wake up so we can go home. Take your time.”
“The dance,” Chaewon breathed out, pushing off the floor unsteadily and bracing herself. “It’s- practice is over?”
“Yeah, we’re done,” Kazuha said, a hand out in case Chaewon lost balance and fell over.
“Did I get it okay?” Chaewon looked at Kazuha. “The dance?”
“That’s what you’re worried about right now?” Sakura asked, shaking her head softly. “You did well, Chaewon. Let’s focus on getting you home so you can eat a meal and rest.”
“But the instructor said I need to have the dance down. It’s only-” she ducked her head, checking the clock behind Sakura’s head. “Only eight o’clock.”
“Unnie, you’re not staying here,” Eunchae said firmly. “Can you stand up? I ordered a car to pick us up, and it’ll be here soon.”
Chaewon wiped her face, finally pulling her hands away and reaching for Eunchae’s hands. Kazuha gathered the towel and her things, carrying Chaewon’s as well. The leader walked dejectedly alongside the group.
“I’m sorry about the dance,” she breathed out. “I’ll work on it more tomorrow.”
“You’ll get it eventually,” Kazuha assured her. “You’re already basically there.”
“You’ll probably do better after a night of rest,” Yunjin hypothesized. “I know I always do.”
Chaeown nodded and didn’t say anything else. She didn’t have to. They knew what she was thinking, and all of them hated it. Any time she had a seizure during a group event, she mentally kicked herself for ‘dragging the team down’ and delaying their schedules.
Sakura wrapped an arm around her waist, thumb rubbing her back through her shirt, holding her tightly. It was a silent reassurance, but she hoped that Chaewon understood. She was a necessary part of their team, even when factors out of her control made it difficult to do her job. She’d always be needed and appreciated.
She was irreplaceable.