Chapter Text
When Iz*One had disbanded, Kim Chaewon was sure it that was the end of her successful idol career. In the idol industry, masses of young men and women auditioned to even be selected to train, and only a few were contracted. Of those contracted, a fraction made their debut. And, even for a debuted member, success was not guaranteed.
Some groups failed to garner attention. Others were one-hit wonders. Some suffered scandal or tragedy.
The chances of Chaewon finding another success after surviving Produce 48 and being a member of Iz*One was slim to none.
So, when she got the call that somebody wanted her to train alongside Sakura, it was an easy yes .
But she’d never expected to be the leader. There were four other members, apart from her. Sakura, whom she’d worked with as part of Iz*One, Yunjin, who she knew from Produce 48, Kazuha, and Eunchae. Sakura was the only older member, and Chaewon felt a specific kind of duty to take care of the younger three- particularly Kazuha and Eunchae, who had never been part of a survival show or idol group.
All day, she worked on preparing for their debut, and all night, she did what she could to take care of the members, checking on them and making sure that they were eating (particularly Eunchae, who- for whatever reason- couldn’t seem to come out of her shell around them).
“Unnie,” Chaewon whispered, lying on her back in her bedroom. Sakura hummed beside her, not asleep yet. How could they sleep? They were set to make their debut in a matter of two days . “Was your second debut harder than your first?”
Sakura sat up on her elbow, peering at Chaewon in the darkness. “It was the same difficulty, for different reasons. I was older with less energy, but I was also more mature and able to handle stress. The survival show was difficult, but I had popularity in Japan from my first group.”
“And this one?”
“What about this one?”
“Are you having a difficult time?”
“All debuts are challenging,” Sakura explained. “I have lots of experience and support. So do you. If you’re struggling, just try to rely on that experience and on the members, too. You might be my leader, but I’m still your unnie.”
“Okay.” Chaewon nodded. “Goodnight, unnie.”
“Goodnight, Chaewon.”
She didn’t sleep a wink. The next morning, she got out of bed before the alarm to wash her face and make sure she was extra-prepared for the day. She drank her water, took her supplements, and tried to wake up her mind, which felt like it was moving through molasses.
Then, as the members woke and left their rooms, she greeted them with smiles and sent them to the door once they were ready. It would be bad luck to arrive late on the day before debut. Chaewon was the last person in the van, closing the door behind her and shifting uncomfortably in the seat.
She was exhausted, but her body felt stiff, and her heart was racing in her chest. Why was she like this? What was going on with her?
“Unnie?”
She glanced over at Yunjin. “What did you say?”
“I said, you can sleep on my shoulder if you want. Your head keeps sliding off the headrest.”
Chaewon glanced around her. Eunchae was asleep, Sakura was listening to music, Kazuha was picking at her fingernails, and Yunjin was studying her with a puzzled expression, a jacket on her shoulder. Chaewon laid her head on it, closing her eyes and falling asleep within seconds.
“Unnie,” Yunjin whispered, nudging Sakura. “Have you spoken to Chaewon recently?”
Yunjin knew that she wasn’t the eldest or the leader, but she was a big sister, and she took to caring for others pretty naturally- even those older than her. She tried to be observant and helpful, offering advice when it was applicable and a hug when it wasn’t.
Chaewon had been…well, off for the last few days. It was easy to chalk up to nerves about the debut, naturally, but something didn’t seem right. She was naturally cute, diligent, and hardworking- and she had been even since Produce 48. But now, she was distractible, sensitive, and tense.
“She didn’t sleep much last night,” Sakura explained. “I heard her tossing and turning. She’s stressed about tomorrow, I think.”
Yunjin hummed, careful not to wake the leader on her shoulder. It was understandable. They’d all just have to take extra care and keep an eye out for her. Stressful times were what made teams tight, and it was unavoidable. At least they were all going through it together.
After a few more minutes, they arrived at the employee entrance, and Yunjin patted Chaewon’s knee. “Unnie, we’re here.”
Chaewon stretched, groaning and stumbling out of the car, shouldering her bag and waiting for the rest of them so they could enter as a group. Their first stop of the day was the practice room, where they were pressed for time to perfect all the details of their dance for the debut showcase the next day.
“I’d start the day with a pep talk, but you all know what’s going on and how important it is to be motivated today,” their choreographer spoke without mincing words, as she so often did. She was hard on them, but never unfair. “So stretch, wake up, and in five minutes, we’ll get started.”
Yunjin didn’t miss the lingering glance he cast at Chaewon, who was the last to get off the floor. Kazuha stretched her legs over her head, Sakura did some squats, and Chaewon lazily rolled her head from side to side- technically a stretch for her neck, but it looked more like an excuse to show that she was doing something when she didn’t have the energy for anything.
“Are you having a rough morning?” Yunjin asked, stretching beside her. “Kkura-unnie said you didn’t sleep much last night.”
Chaewon hummed, brows furrowed, but didn’t say anything else. She shook her head like she was trying to wake herself up in time to jump into their full-out runthrough. They didn’t have time to waste on marking or individual movements. They had to be perfect , just like they needed to be on stage.
“Alright, five minutes is up, get into formation!”
They followed orders, and the choreographer walked to the computer to cue their song.
They worked through the choreography, going hard from the start, and immediately lined up to do the second song, as they’d practiced. In order to perform properly, they had to be able to go for upwards of ten minutes at a time without a break. That was why they worked out so hard and practiced so diligently.
The way that Chaewon was dancing made it look like she’d never danced a day in her life.
“Stop,” the choreographer called out, raising a hand. The music cut. “Everybody take a drink break. We’ll start again in a couple minutes.”
It was obvious that she stopped for Chaewon. She cast glances at her while murmuring to the assistant choreographer behind her hand. The leader hadn’t moved from the center of the room.
“Chaewon, come get water,” Sakura called out, holding her bottle.
Yunjin glanced from Sakura to Chaewon, who acted like she hadn’t heard a thing. “I’ll take it; I’m already standing.” Yunjin dropped her own water bottle onto her bag and grabbed Chaewon’s, walking to the leader. “Here, unnie.”
Chaewon didn’t reach out to accept it.
“Are you okay?” She grabbed Chaewon’s shoulder, and she flinched, looking at Yunjin with something akin to terror in her eyes. She took an uncoordinated step backwards, away from Yunjin, and the younger’s hand slid from her shoulder to her wrist. Chaewon’s pulse pounded underneath her fingertips. “Do you want water?”
Chaewon’s only response was to pale two shades, her mouth falling open slightly, her eyes traveling up and to the right.
Oh , Yunjin realized. She’s going to faint .
“Unnie, sit down.”
Chaewon fell unceremoniously to her buttocks, eliciting a scared yelp from a few of the girls. Yunjin caught her by the shoulders and propped her knee up for her to lean against. “That’s okay; just catch your breath.” Yunjin had seen girls pass out in the past- from starving themselves, from dancing too hard, from stress- she knew generally what to do.
“Did she eat today?” Sakura asked, approaching and squatting in front of her with a few pieces of candy and a granola bar. “Hey, Chaewon, look at me.” She cupped Chaewon’s cheek, but the younger’s head was limp on her neck. If it weren’t for Yunjin, she’d be flat on her back. “Can you hear me?”
Her chest was heaving, like there wasn’t enough air in the room for her, and her forehead was beading with sweat despite her wearing a t-shirt and having danced for only a few minutes. Her face was scarily pale, and her eyes- usually so kind and observant- were blank, dilated pupils swimming on an expanse of white.
“Do we need to call an ambulance?” Kazuha asked, standing to the side nervously.
Eunchae was still pressed against the wall, watching with wide eyes.
Chaewon started to tremble, lip curling back to reveal rows of white teeth, hands tightening into fists in her lap. A strangled cry passed through her open lips, and she began to shake.
“Unnie, what- what’s going on?” Yunjin grabbed onto her tightly so she didn’t fall out of her hold, and Sakura dropped the food she was holding, sliding on her knees to her other side. “Wake up, unnie- what’s wrong?”
“Call an ambulance,” Sakura directed, glancing at the choreographer, who was stuck in place. “I said call an ambulance .” The choreographer nodded, running out of the room with her phone in hand. “Yunjin, lay her down and turn her on her side. She’s having a seizure.”
“She’s- what ?” Yunjin followed instructions, helping to hold Chaewon on her side as Sakura pulled out her phone and started a stopwatch.
“Eunchae, bring me her sweatshirt. It’s right beside you.” The youngest hurried over, and Sakura stuffed the shirt below her head to make sure she didn’t hit it on the floor. She made gurgling sounds as saliva fell from her lips and onto the floor and sweatshirt. “It’s okay, Chaewon. It’s alright; I’m right here.”
Sakura grit her teeth as Chaewon’s arm jerked, her elbow landing on her ribs. Her shoes made hollow sounding thud sounds each time they hit the floor, and her bracelets scraped against the smoothe concrete. The most horrible sound, though, was the gurgling of her breaths as they forced their way through saliva and-
“She’s bleeding.”
Sakura glanced at Chaewon’s mouth where blood was streaked on her lip and cheek. “She probably bit her tongue.”
“Unnie, her lips are blue. Is she breathing?” Chaewon slowed down, her shaking settling into a tremor, her breath sounds absent. “ Unnie .”
“Turn her more,” Sakura demanded, pushing Chaewon further onto her side. She used the sleeve of Chaewon’s sweatshirt to clear her mouth of obstruction and patted her back. “Come on, Chaewon, take a breath.” She glanced up. “Where is that ambulance? Did somebody call?”
“I’m going to check,” Eunchae announced, grabbing Kazuha’s hand. “Come on, we’ll flag it.”
They ran out of the room, leaving the three eldest members alone. Chaewon remained limp and nonbreathing for a few moments longer before taking a raspy inhale and coughing forcefully, her shoulders curling in on themselves. Sakura stopped the stopwatch and rubbed circles into her back.
“Good job, Chaewon. Cough it out. There we go.”
Chaewon shifted, trying to sit up, still coughing, but the other two held her gently. “Stay on your side. Keep taking some deep-”
Chaewon gagged on an inhale and her entire body retched, her meager breakfast coming up onto the floor. Yunjin jumped back, and Sakura held tight, pulling her hair away from her face. “That’s okay. Just keep breathing.” The door opened, and the youngest two returned, EMTs in tow. “Oh thank god. Please help her.”
The EMTs quickly replaced Sakura by her side, and the eldest pressed herself against the wall, trying her hardest to stay out of the way. Yunjin just watched in horror.
She’d grown up watching medical dramas and had even thrown around the idea of going to college for medicine after being eliminated all those years ago. She liked watching doctors and nurses work. She entertained the idea of spending her career in a hospital or a clinic.
But nothing- nothing - could’ve prepared her for seeing one of her close friends so sick.
The EMTs rattled off a list of questions to the choreographer and the manager, who had joined them in the chaos, easily picking up the leader and strapping her down to the stretcher, an oxygen mask on her face, and a catheter in her arm.
“Stay here,” their manager instructed, staring at the other four girls. “Don’t leave this room. I’m going to go to the hospital with her, and I’ll update you when I can, but until then, just-”
“Stay here,” Sakura responded, nodding. “We got it.” She gestured for the manager to leave quickly, as Chaewon had already been wheeled out of the room, and she didn’t want to delay her care for any longer than necessary.
After a few minutes, the janitor came in to clean, and after a few more, they were left alone, the group feeling incomplete, the room feeling empty.
They’d stayed in the practice room for another hour after that, drinking and stretching in silence, trying to distract themselves from what had just happened. The door opened again, revealing their manager, who looked just about as stressed as the rest of them felt.
“I just got off the phone with your manager.”
“How is she?” Eunchae asked softly. “Is she…” Alive? Dead?
“The doctors have only updated your manager once, saying that she was still unconscious because of a medication they gave her, and that they’d return with an update when they had one. Until then, you all have a decision to make. We can either continue with practice, or you can sit here and wait.”
She lowered herself to their level, sitting across from them. “I know that seems like an impossible decision right now, but you all debut tomorrow , and- if you think you can’t do this without Chaewon, we won’t, but I think it’s best to control what we can right now.”
Kazuha was the first to speak. “I don’t think sitting here will do anybody any good.”
Yunjin nodded. “I could use a distraction.”
“Me too,” Eunchae agreed, already standing. “Unnie?”
Sakura nodded. “Let’s do it.”
The girls were released early from work that day, as per the schedule. The company wanted them to rest well ahead of their debut and had even catered a light dinner for them- something to give them energy but not make them bloated and puffy for the cameras the next day.
None of them had any appetite.
They perked up as the door lock beeped and the latch clicked. Chaewon walked in with a tired-looking smile, a plastic bag of clothes, a hospital bracelet around her wrist, and the manager’s jacket strung over her shoulders. “Sorry I didn’t bring you any souvenirs.”
Nobody dared to say a word or rush forward and hug her, and she sighed. “I’m going to take a shower and lie down.” She didn’t offer any more explanation- just disappeared into her bedroom with the manger right behind her.
A few minutes later, the manager emerged with her jacket and bag of clothes. “I had a staff member grab some sweats for her to change into at the hospital, so her practice clothes will need to be washed.” She set the bag on the couch. “I’m sorry it’s been radio silence from me all day, truly. Right now, the plan is to continue with the debut."
“You’re kidding,” Yunjin breathed out.
“She’s too sick,” Sakura protested.
“I won’t do it without her,” Eunchae declared.
“Chaewon was the one who insisted we keep the debut date the same,” the manager explained. “The company was willing to push it back pending her diagnosis and treatment, but she was released from the hospital, and she says that she’ll be fine by tomorrow. I don’t have any other information, but I’ll let you all know when I do. Be in the garage tomorrow by 6:45, and let me know if you need anything, okay?”
They bid the manager goodnight after a brief silence, and she left without another word.
“Keep eating,” Sakura said, standing from the table. “I’m going to check on her.” All four of them would probably overwhelm her, but Sakura alone would probably be fine. She patted their shoulders gently. “She’ll be okay. I’ll tell her you say hi.”
She knocked lightly, and Chaewon welcomed her inside. She slid in, closing and locking the door behind her. The leader was on the bed in her pajamas, hair wet from her quick shower.
Neither one of them wanted to speak.
“I’m sorry, unnie.”
“You don’t have anything to apologize for.” Sakura sat beside her on the bed. “What did the doctors say?”
She gestured to the binder of discharge papers from the hospital. “It’s all in there.” Sakura reached for it and flipped through them as Chaewon talked. “They wanted me to stay for observation, but I told them that we’re making our debut tomorrow and that I couldn’t stay.”
“They cleared you to perform?” Sakura asked, stopping at a paper labeled Discharge- Against Medical Advice . “Kim Chaewon. You signed an AMA form? Does the manager know?”
“I’m an adult who makes my own medical decisions, and I’m fine ,” Chaewon insisted, taking the binder back from her. “I have to go back to the hospital in a few days for more tests, but I feel fine. Besides, it’s not like I’ve never had a seizure before.”
Sakura sighed softly, thinking back to their time together in Iz*One. Sakura and Yena were one of the few that knew of Chaewon’s past medical history after it had come up in a conversation about childhood memories. Chaewon had spent nearly a year in the hospital due to a bad infection that spread to parts of her brain, damaging it and leaving her with seizures for many years.
“Who knows about your seizures, besides me and Yena?”
“My family, but that’s it. Not the managers, not any staff, not even friends.”
“I thought your last seizure had happened long before Iz*One,” Sakura said softly, not wanting any of the other members to overhear. “Did you have another between then and today?”
“No, unnie, I swear. By the time I started Produce 48, I was seizure free off medication for almost two years. I only told you and Yena because I wanted you to know. I never in a million years thought that I’d have another one. If I thought there was even a chance, I never would’ve made my debut in Iz*One. I never would’ve tried again with Le Sserafim. I wouldn't do that to you and the other members.”
“You’re not ‘doing anything’ to us by being epileptic, Chaewon.”
“Please don’t say that I’m epileptic,” she retorted softly. “The doctors don’t know if it was stress induced or related to a seizure disorder. There’s still a chance that I’m seizure free. It could’ve been an isolated event.”
“How will they know?”
“When I go back for testing, they’ll rule out things like infection or tumor.” Sakura shuddered. “And if it’s not that, then it’s either stress or epilepsy, and the only way to know is to wait and see if I have another seizure.”
“Wait and see?” Sakura didn’t like the sound of that at all. “They can’t do anything to help you?”
“Not right now.” Chaewon brought her hands up to her face. “I feel horrible about this. If it really is epilepsy, I’m going to look like the most selfish idol ever.”
“You’re not selfish,” Sakura assured her, though she understood where she was coming from. They’d both had their 15 seconds of fame, and they’d both come back for more. She could only imagine how Chaewon was feeling after choosing to debut again with a lurking medical condition that could shake up everything that Le Sserafim had worked so hard for, even before they made their official debut.
“We don’t have to tell anybody right away, if you don’t want to.”
“I don’t want to,” Chaewon answered quickly.
“ But , if the results are negative, I think it’s best that you come clean. Not because it’s your fault- but if there’s even a small chance you’re going to have another seizure, the members and staff need to know first aid. Chaewon, I was the only one in that practice room that knew what was happening; if you’d had one alone or with one of the other members, you could’ve seriously gotten hurt.”
Chaewon wiped her eyes. “What if they hate me?”
“They won’t.”
“They might.”
“They won’t, Chaewon.”
“Unnie, you seriously think I can be an idol like this? What if I’m epileptic?”
“Then you’re epileptic. So what? Does that mean you’re not talented? That you don’t deserve to be here? The members love you, the fans will love you, and the staff absolutely adores you, so don’t think for a second that epilepsy- whether or not you still have it- will change that. Okay?”
“Okay.”
“I didn’t hear you.”
“Okay,” Chaewon repeated a little louder. “Thank you, unnie.”
“Of course. Now come on, let’s eat some dinner. They’re waiting for you.”