Work Text:
“Hey, Tommy. Sorry, I'm late today. I was a bit busy.
I tried something new. My therapist suggested that. Said an activity that includes taking care of something might help me with, with the restlessness and the overthinking.
So I started to build a little garden. It’s not much. Yet. Just a beet for vegetables, berries, and a few pots for flowers. But it’s fun. I’m getting excited about seeing everything grow. I mean, hopefully, it grows. If I don’t mess it up.
I’m most excited for the strawberries. Going to bake a cake for you when they’re ripe. You have to be awake to eat it though.
I know you ... you needed a lot of rest. So that your body can heal. But you can wake up anytime now, okay?
Please.
Tommy. Please wake up.”
They crash through the door, unable to keep their hands or mouths off each other.
Buck feels delirious. His heart is racing, his thoughts are in shambles. Is this a bad idea? If it is, it doesn’t feel like one.
He doesn’t want to stop. His world consists of Tommy’s familiar smell and warmth, Tommy’s big hands, Tommy’s lips mouthing at his neck, Tommy, Tommy, Tommy.
Buck doesn’t want to stop.
So he doesn’t.
And when Tommy leaves in the morning after his face shows a tiny fracture of pain before he closes it off again, his walls up, Buck can still hear the echo of a moan reverberating in his head.
“Evan …”
“Hey, Tommy.
Today was Jee’s birthday party. It’s amazing how fast kids grow. I baked her a cake. Also brought a piece for you. I know, you can’t eat it. So … I’m going to eat it. It’s chocolate. I think you would have liked it.
She asked about you, you know? Asked about Uncle Tommy. She also did that after we broke up.
When we were baking cookies together at the loft, Jee said she wanted to bake one for you too. With extra chocolate she said.
She was here with Maddie and Chimney yesterday. So if you wake up and see the card with the drawing of the helicopter, that’s from Jee.
Please. Wake up, Tommy. Wake up, so that you can eat your cake and tell Jee how much you love her drawing.
I do have strawberries in my garden now, by the way. A lot of them. I would love to share them with you.
God. Now I'm crying again.
I can't believe how many tears the human body can produce.
Please.
Tommy.
You are missed. You ... You have so many things waiting for you here.
Please. Come back."
“Hey, thank you for agreeing to meet me,” Buck says and it’s a deja vu.
“Of course,” Tommy says quietly, sitting opposite him. He takes a sip of his coffee and smiles. “You got it right this time.”
“Yeah.” Buck clears his throat. “So … I, uh, I wanted to apologize. I wasn’t fair to you. Not only was that comment I made about not having feelings for everyone I have sex with … really bad timing. I also realized that … I was lonely. That house. It didn’t feel like home at all. And then you … I saw you. And I wanted things to get back to how they used to. So I pulled you back with me. I tried to, at least. I guess I was using the sex with you to distract myself from the fact, that I was unable to deal with all the changes that have happened in my life lately. In a very short time. I’m sorry. I didn’t want to hurt you.”
He stops, feeling a bit breathless.
Tommy looks at him for a moment, his expression hard to read. Finally, he nods and says, “I get it.”
“You do?” Buck asks, relieved.
“I was lonely too,” Tommy says. “So, I guess we kind of used each other that night. It’s okay. We don’t have to … overcomplicate things. It was sex.”
“Amazing sex,” Buck blurts.
“It was,” Tommy agrees, glancing at Buck while taking a sip of his coffee.
Silence falls as they look into each other’s eyes. The sun is falling on Tommy’s, making them sparkle like the ocean on a clear summer day. Fuck. Buck grips his own knee tight. He wants him. He wants him so bad it hurts. It's probably not a good idea again ... But, Tommy is not angry. And it’s just sex, right? Amazing sex. Tommy said so himself.
“Hey. Do you, uh, want to see my new bed?” Buck asks as casually as possible.
Tommy puts the mug down with a swallow, shifting his weight like he’s already about to get up. “Hell yeah.”
Hey, Tommy.
I, uh, had a talk with your cousin today. Please don’t be angry. I … I had to know some things.
I’m so sorry you had to go through all that … With your Dad. My parents aren’t great either, well, you know that. But at least they didn’t get drunk and … and I didn’t have to hide in my closet. Your cousin told me about your Mum too. I’m sorry she died so soon. Too soon. You probably missed her a lot.
I can understand you went to join the army as soon as possible, to get away. From things.
Your cousin told me you always were obsessed with flying. Planes. Helicopters. I, uh, I bought a book. I’m sure you know all these things already. But I don’t. I thought I was going to read it to you. So I can learn. And you can … maybe you can listen and wake up and tell me what’s your favorite type of helicopter. I really wish you would talk to me.
I miss you.
Please. Wake up soon, Tommy. Wake up.”
“You’re already leaving?” Buck asks, disappointed.
He shouldn’t be. After all, this is … something they do now. They have amazing sex. Fun times. And most times, if they have the time, they’re eating breakfast together, just talking about what is happening in their life right now.
Well. It’s usually Buck who does the talking. Tommy is mostly listening and reacting. Buck tries to think about something he learned about Tommy this week. His throat tightens.
“Yeah, I have to be at the station a little earlier today,” Tommy says easily, putting on his shoes. “I promised to show the new probie around.”
“Okay,” Buck says. He should just let Tommy go. It’s not like they are … in a relationship. But still. Something about this hurts .
He stays in bed a little, thinking. Thinking back to when Tommy broke up with him. Tommy said he knew Buck would end up breaking his heart. He said he couldn’t be Buck’s first and his last. Tommy thought Eddie might be competition. Tommy was hurt when Buck said he doesn’t need to have feelings for everyone he has sex with, but instead of addressing it, he quickly decided to not try again and left. He left. Again.
Buck slowly puts the pieces together. They show him a painful image. Is Tommy scared of committing to a relationship because he did that in the past and got hurt? So hurt that now he’s guarding his heart? Does he agree to the sex because he does want to be with Buck but is too scared to take the next steps in a relationship?
Fuck.
Buck swallows and reaches for his phone, opening his chat with Tommy.
Hey. Can we talk later? Just talk. He types.
“Hey, Tommy.
I did some digging again. Please don’t be mad. And don’t be mad at Lucy either. We … we are trying to cope, you know? And I’m trying to understand some things. Before ... Nevermind. We have to keep the hope up, right? Yeah. That's what we do.
Anyway, Lucy told me that you had a boyfriend. And … and that he left you because of someone else. Right when you were ready to propose. I’m so sorry you had to go through that. I can imagine how painful that must have been. You didn’t deserve that.
You deserve someone who stays. You deserve to be loved, Tommy. I know you probably don’t believe that, but you’re such an amazing, caring, loving, interesting, funny, handsome person. You really are. You took such good care of me. And every time I see you, I feel a little shy suddenly, haha. I really do. Shy and awkward. Like a duck.
Tommy. I … I still want to try again. I really do.
So, please. Wake up. Come back to me. Come back home.”
“Buck.”
“Hey, Bobby, I was just about to clean -”
“Buck, I need you to come to my office with me.”
Buck’s smile drops.
Bobby looks at him seriously. Too serious.
Buck looks around the firehouse. The others are glancing at them, surprise and worry in their eyes.
“You can say it,” Buck tells Bobby. “It’s okay if they hear it. Who … who got hurt?”
“I got the call a few minutes ago. Tommy’s helicopter crashed.”
Buck forgets to breathe. The world blurs. “No …”
“He’s in critical condition. And not conscious. You’re still his emergency contact. And they want to talk to you, since … Since Tommy also put you as his proxy and they believe you might have to make a few decisions.” Bobby puts a hand on Buck’s shoulder. “I’m sorry, Buck. I know things have been difficult between you two. But this … You’re excused, of course.”
Buck doesn’t know what to say. His blood is rushing in his ears. “I … I wanted to talk to him today,” he breathes.
“Buck,” Chimney says, placing a hand on his back. “Hey, I will drive you to the hospital, okay? You shouldn’t be alone right now.”
“I wanted to talk to him,” Buck repeats numbly.
*
“You can talk to him,” the doctor tells him. “We do believe that coma patients recognize voices.”
Buck nods, unable to tear his gaze away from Tommy.
He looks so small. He’s never small.
“Hey, Tommy,” Buck says hoarsely. “I wanted to talk to you today. So … That’s what I’m going to do.”
“Hey, Tommy.
Tommy?
Tommy! Oh my God, Tommy!
Hey, look at me! You will be okay. Everything will be okay. Just … Just keep looking at me.
I’m here. I love you, you hear me? I love you, Tommy.
I’m here.”