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In the quiet aftermath of the funeral and the wake, Tommy felt more like a spectator now than anything. He was simply gazing around the station, taking in the flowers taking up space in the normally busy firehouse. The door to the captain’s office remained closed, with a wreath of white roses hung carefully in place.
Across from the locker rooms, he could see the Chief talking to Chimney, who was holding his daughter in his arms. Jee was too young to understand the magnitude of what happened, but her presence had to be comforting to her dad.
Just thinking about Chimney being trapped, thinking he would never see her again, sent a chill down Tommy’s spine. He looked away before he could get lost in the memories, finding Maddie standing with Karen and Hen near the table of food, a hand on her growing belly.
When he had changed his radio settings to hear what was going on with the 118 while he was in that helicopter, he could hear her soft voice guiding everyone, but he could hear the shake in her breathing when he would hear Chimney’s coughing. He didn’t think he would forget that anytime soon.
His eyes found the wreath with Bobby’s portrait, and he saw Athena’s profile as she stood in front of it. It was a moment he shouldn’t be focused on, so he looked towards the tables and chairs that had been set up so everyone could eat and remember their beloved captain. Eddie was sitting there, a small book in his hands. He still remembered Evan making that call, hearing Eddie as his voice got louder, asking what the hell happened. Eddie wasn’t yelling at Evan per se, but trying to get information from his very quiet, still-in-shock best friend.
Tommy had taken the phone, getting up so he didn’t need to recap what happened and make Evan relive everything. Speaking of Evan, he couldn’t see him anywhere. The last time he saw him, he was speaking to the Chief with Chimney, but Tommy had lost track of him.
He looked around, but didn’t see him anywhere. Tommy walked around the station, but didn’t see any sign of his ex. Even after everything that happened between them, his heart still yearned for the man who had stolen his heart from the moment they met. Finally, he decided to check the roof since there was no other place where he could be.
Sure enough, Tommy spotted Evan sitting on a chair, leaning forward with his arms wrapped around his legs. Tommy didn’t want to startle him and cleared his throat. “Hey.”
Evan looked up, giving Tommy a small smile. “Hey.”
“May I join you?”
Evan indicated one of the chairs in the small circle that was set up. From what he knew from conversations they had, sometimes the team would go up to the roof to relax or even meditate. It was peaceful up here, away from the ever-present crowd of people milling about, remembering their loss.
“I just needed to get away for a bit.”
Tommy nodded, knowing how stressful the day was. He may not have worked with Bobby ask long as the others did, but he still had fond memories of the man. Knowing the relationship Evan had with him, Tommy knew this had to be a lot.
Evan hadn’t said much since that night. From what Tommy had witnessed, the second Chimney and Hen were allowed to finally go to a hospital, the grief stricken look that had been on his face soon gave way to almost a detached appearance. While he didn’t know why this was happening, having been looking at the monitors, he knew Evan was holding his emotions back.
It had become obvious in the days after, when he would ask Chimney or Hen or Ravi how they were doing, they all said Evan was such a great help to them. Although, he could see in Hen’s gaze and hesitancy that she thought something was up. Tommy assured her he’d look out for him. Which was how he found himself up here on the roof with Evan.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Tommy didn’t think Evan would open up right now. But he didn’t know if he realized that he could. That he was allowed to give into his emotions.
His intuition was confirmed when he shook his head. “No. Not now. Not here.” He glanced at the door that led back to the inside of the firehouse. “If I talk about it, I’ll start crying. And I don’t want them to see me like that.”
“Evan-”
“Do you know what Bobby said to me? Right before-” Evan sniffled, wiping his eyes. “Damn it.”
“You don’t have to-”
“He told me I’d be okay, that they needed me. I need to be okay for them.” His hands were shaking and Tommy reached over to take them into his palms, one hand going on top and the other sliding underneath both to hold them together. The shaking slowly stopped as Evan took a few deep breaths.
There was so much Tommy could say right now. He could tell Evan that he saw him on the monitor and that he didn’t need to be strong for him. That he regretted not being able to comfort him the way he would have if they were still together. He could say that he still loved Evan and even if they inadvertently kept hurting each other, he wanted him in so many ways. However, it wasn’t the right time for any of that. Tommy could see a point in some not so distant future where they opened up to one another.
But up on the rooftop where anyone could come up here, whether to look for Evan or to get some air themselves, it was a little too public for his liking. He wanted Evan to be able to get everything out that he needed to and to really hear him. Right now, it wasn’t the right time but he felt like it was a possibility they could talk soon.
“If you let me, I’d like to be there for you,” Tommy settled on. “In whatever capacity you need.”
Evan’s eyes found his and he took a deep breath. “Are you sure? I-I mean we didn’t end on a-”
“Hey, let’s forget that for now, okay? We can talk about that later. And there will be a later,” Tommy’s thumb gently circled over one of Evan’s knuckles. “Right now, I just want to be there for you.”
Evan blinked his eyes, trying to stop the tears that were building up. “Okay.” Tommy could see his mask slipping, and he reached over to gently brush a tear that had fallen onto his cheek. Evan closed his eyes, pressing his cheek into his palm. It felt nice, and Tommy didn’t want to break the spell of the moment.
If this was what Evan needed, then this was what Tommy could give him.