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The wind was blowing in his face, the walk was up a hill, and he had to keep weaving in and out of people—but he didn’t care. He was on a mission.
His face was stuck in the same expression since the conversation he’d had not twenty minutes earlier; his lips stretched across his face in a huge grin, his eyes light and alive. His cheeks were red because he was just so damn excited. Passing all of the antiquated stores in the little town, he strode faster, counting the sidewalk blocks. He took two steps in between each block; left foot, then right. Every time. He was almost there.
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He rose from his work desk, backing away into a wall and sinking down as he tried to calm his breathing. He pulled his knees to his chest and took a shuddering breath. He was trembling. He thought he’d gotten better, he thought he was better. He wanted so badly to be better. Numbly, he felt the wetness on his cheeks get cold and then hot again as it was refreshed. His toes curled in painfully and he felt like he was being crushed. He couldn’t breathe, something was going to happen, something horrible. He couldn’t stop it, it was about to happen, someone had to do something—
“Luke. Luke, I’m here, it’s okay. It’s okay, Luke, breathe, you have to breathe. Try to breathe through your nose, okay? Luke, can you hear me? I’m here. You’re going to be okay.”
He heard a voice distantly, getting louder as it spoke more. The voice was warmth, it was sunshine, it was an oasis. It brought peace, and he tried to run toward it. His eyes snapped open, only to meet a pair of hazel eyes parallel to his own, knitted together at the eyebrows in worry and understanding.
Those eyes brought him back. He hated himself, he was a coward, he was so pitiful. He knew he was going to be okay and that everything was alright… so why couldn’t he stop shaking? Why did the tears not stop? Why did it feel like every breath was being stolen from him by a madman taking residence inside of him, banging pots and pans and pulling fire alarms as a cruel joke?
Han’s arms wrapped around the smaller man once his breathing evened out a bit more. He felt the tips of his fingers working small patterns on his back and shoulders. They sat like that for a while before Han spoke.
“You know, maybe we can revisit a conversation we had a few months ago.”
Luke sniffed and pulled away gently, leaning up against the wall and letting his head fall back against it. He gestured to Han to come sit next to him.
“What conversation?” He pulled his sleeve up over his hand so he could wipe his cheeks.
Han hesitated.
“You said… and I disagreed with this! But you said something about wanting… a dog.”
Luke froze. His breath hitched and he hugged his knees tighter to himself before slowly turning to look at Han, eyes wide. Han was determinedly looking at the wall across from the two of them. He continued.
“….I’ve been thinking about it. Or at least I was, about a month ago, when you kept having attacks all the time, and then they stopped, but babe. This is your third one in a week. It’s getting worse again. I’m just glad I was here this time, and I hate the thought of me being away when this happens to you. I hate the thought of you having to deal with this alone.”
Luke’s eyes were threatening to spill over, and his emotions hadn’t yet decided on where they stood. He’d wanted a dog since he was a toddler and saw other kids his age playing with their dogs—all of their pets seemed to love them and care about them. There was a bond there that Luke wanted so badly. When he brought it up to Han when they moved in together, Han flat out said “No, kid. Dogs are messy and they’re like babies. You have to train them and they ruin plans and rugs and shoes.”
But now… now he was advocating it because of his care for Luke, and Luke felt overwhelmed. He tried to keep his face as neutral as possible until Han finished.
“I’ve been in contact with a few people, and there’s actually a shelter in town. They have a bunch of dogs there that need homes. I think maybe… maybe if you have someone that could be there for you to hug and take care of, someone other than me, at least, maybe things could be better? Things could be… easier? I just… I’d do anything to make you happy, kid. Even if that means that I can’t leave my shoes by the door anymore.”
Han finally looked over at Luke, smiling softly and looking for a reaction.
Luke met his gaze, and he couldn’t hold it back anymore. He threw himself into his love’s arms and sobbed into his shoulder, allowing a string of “thank you”s and “I can’t believe this”s to fall from his lips, even if they were muffled by Han’s jacket.
When he pulled back, eyes and cheeks puffy, he was seated in between Han’s legs on the hardwood floor. He was so happy, and why didn’t he think of this solution? Why didn’t he think about the possibility of a dog helping him during his ‘bad days’?
Han raised his hands gently to meet Luke’s face, holding his chin. Luke was smiling now, a massive grin plastered on his tear-streaked face. Han returned the expression and let out a breath, relaxing slightly.
“So, kid. Is that a yes? You want a dog?”
Luke’s smile grew, seemingly impossibly. He nodded harshly, sending his hair flying around his temples. Han chuckled and then thought for a second before grinning almost as widely as Luke.
“Okay, then. Uh… put your shoes on.”
Luke’s eyes became as large as saucers.
“Wha—Right now?! We’re going right now? Like, now? Han? I’m getting a dog today?”
Han laughed, his eyes twinkling as he pulled Luke to his feet. He loved this kid more than life itself.
“Yeah, Luke. Right now. They’re open. Why not?”
Luke’s arms flew around Han’s waist and pulled tight. He buried his face in Han’s shoulder and this time, just said a very soft but choked, “thank you.”
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Han was huffing and puffing, about twenty feet behind Luke. Watching him scuttle up this hill in those jeans of his was a certain kind of payment, though. He smirked and then tried to speed up to his determined ball of excitement and sunshine.
After a few twists and turns through the town, Luke came to a halt in front of a red building that had fencing around the sides and back. It was a branch of the ASPCA. He smiled to himself—he’d done his research long ago.
Back when he was a kid, his uncle told him that if he figured out a way to increase efficiency on the farm, he’d be able to get a dog. Luke came up an idea about rounding up the livestock by using classical conditioning—he’d ring a big bell and then lead all of the livestock into the barn, where he’d give each animal their favorite feed. After two weeks, all he had to do was ring the bell and the animals would come running. Knowing that he’d done what his uncle had said, he’d started looking up how to care for dogs, which breeds there were, how to go about adopting. Most of all, he knew never to go to backyard breeders—always go to shelters because those animals don’t always have a forever-guaranteed spot in their kennel, and they’re likely to be healthier than purebreds. But after showing his uncle about what he’d done, his uncle said that ‘rounding up livestock wasn’t that hard anyway,’ even though it’d taken nearly 45 minutes to do it beforehand. Luke was devastated. But now, now he’d have a use for it.
He smiled fondly up at the ASPCA sign, knowing that they’d come to the right place. He looked back, just now realizing that his Snarky sidekick wasn’t with him.
Han was clutching his side, wheezing as he took the last few steps up the huge hill that Luke had practically sprinted up. He looked at Luke with incredulity and was undoubtedly about to say something snappy, but before he had the chance, Luke grabbed his wrist and yanked him up the pathway and through the glass doors of the shelter.
They were met by a receptionist in orange and white polka dot scrubs. He had dark, disheveled hair and looked friendly.
“And how can I help you fine folks this afternoon?” he asked cheerfully.
Han was still struggling with his labored breathing, but was trying to pretend to be fine, so Luke responded.
“We’re here to look for a dog! A dog, you have dogs, right? Han said you guys have dogs, and I know about the ASPCA, I’m a huge fan of what you guys do. I… uh. Sorry.”
He blushed as he felt Han’s hand slide into his and squeeze. He had finally regained his breath. Luke thought to himself that any other day, he’d poke fun at Han for turning into an old man, but not on the day that Han had agreed to one of his “big oh-no’s”. Han spoke to the volunteer a little flatly.
“As you can see, we’re very excited.”
At this point, a very furry dog came trotting out from behind the desk. It was white with a few orange patches, and it was very very cute. He seemed happy to just exist. He wound himself through the volunteer’s legs and threw his head back, tongue lolling out to look up at his buddy.
“This is my dog, BB. When I adopted him, they told me that he’d come from a place where they just assigned each dog a code because there were so many to care for. His was BB-8, and he doesn’t respond to anything else now.
BB was now sniffing around Luke’s shoes and even ventured a lick to one of the toe tips of his Converses. He seemed to approve after his assessment, because he started circling around and around Luke and Han, tail wagging incessantly. Luke giggled.
“So… I’m guessing you guys wanna see the dogs, then?” the attendant smiled as he headed toward one of the doors out of the empty reception room. He used a walkie talkie to contact another employee:
“Hey, Finn? Can you come out and cover the front desk while I do a walk through of the dogs? Thanks!”
As soon as the door opened, Luke could hear the barking. Han groaned. Luke let Han’s hand slip through his fingers as he looked down the long hallway of cages. Each had one dog. There were ten cages on each side of the hallway. Eyes wide, he started looking.
The first dog he saw was very little, and had a lot of hair. It sat in the back of its cage, just barking and barking. Luke felt bad for it, he knew it was just scared. The second dog was a very chubby bulldog that was laying on its tummy. When Luke passed her, she lifted her eyes up and stuck her bottom jaw out a little bit. Luke giggled again when he saw her teeth—she looked like she was pouting. This went on for a few minutes, Luke taking little assessments of each of the dogs there while Han stood at the beginning of the hallway with his arms crossed, never taking his eyes off Luke. The volunteer saw a pilot’s pin on Han’s jacket and had been talking to him nonstop about how he was a pilot too, and about the pro’s and con’s of different fighter jets.
At the sixteenth cage, after looking at a very fine selection of future friends, Luke stopped. His fingers wrapped around the bars of the cage and he leaned in to look at the soul that was standing resolutely on the other side.
The dog was big, or bigger than most of the others. It was tall, and brown with a few grayish-orange spots. Its fur wasn’t long, but it wasn’t short…. Its eyes. They were hazel.
He was a mutt, a hound, and his stance was strong. Luke could see the marks in his skin where he’d perhaps been cut in the past, perhaps been bitten. One of his ears had a pretty big notch in it. But his eyes… his eyes never left Luke’s. The dog stepped closer, placing one big paw in front of the other until he was right in front of the bars. Luke sank down to meet the dog’s face.
Han was watching from afar, and at this point, he knew that Luke had found his dog. He had been placating the volunteer until that point, but now he wanted to see who Luke had picked. He nodded toward the worker and smiled politely before striding toward the kid and halting once he was behind him. He looked down into the cage and let out a sigh of relief. ‘It’s not a yapper,’ he thought.
Luke rose up and looked at Han, eyes watery again. Han let his arms fall around Luke’s shoulders and brought him into his chest for a moment. While Luke was curled into him, he looked down at the dog again. The dog had sat down now and was looking at Han, head tilted to the side and ears up. He was assessing him. Han dismissed it… he was trying very very hard to not immediately dislike Luke’s new buddy.
The volunteer came up behind them. He smiled once he saw who they were interested in.
“That’s Baxter. He’s been here for about eight months. The name on his papers is Indiana, but his old owner, who passed away, called him Baxter instead... something about his kid taking up the name for himself. I dunno. But yeah, now he doesn't respond to anything else, really. Sweet as can be, very quiet, already trained… but our best estimate for his age is around five years old, and most people come in here wanting puppies. He’s actually a favorite of mine, I was considering fostering him because the shelter has a one-year policy.”
Luke looked up at Han, face resolute, and nodded. Han sighed and ran a hand through his hair. He looked from Luke to the volunteer.
“We’d love to adopt him.”