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When Ava stepped into the void she had no idea what she would find. More inky blackness? All the people that had been swallowed up? The sweet release of death maybe?
No.
That would be too easy.
And since when had she ever had it easy?
Instead she stood alone, in a drab, brown hallway. Fluorescent lights flicker above her, their high pitched humming a drone in Ava’s ears. It’s warm, warmer than New York that’s for sure, she can feel it through her suit. Her attention is caught by some very familiar looking people, a man, a woman and a little girl
No..
“Ava, you and your mother need to run as fast as you can, do you understand me?” Her father said, pulling her into a brief hug.
“Elias, what’s going on?” her mother asked, Ava could hear the fear in her voice. Around them the hallway groaned as fissures spiderwebbed their way up the walls. They didn’t have much time.
“Daddy?”
“I love you both.” her father backed away, his gaze roaming over his wife and daughter. Ava didn’t understand the look in his eyes when she was younger but now she got it: he was trying to get one last look at their faces, “Go!” he turned and started to sprint for the lab.
“Ava come on!” her mother grabbed hold of Ava’s hand and they started running. Of course they didn’t get very far before her younger self, knowing that her father was scared and didn’t want him to be alone, turned, yanked her little hand out of her mother’s and ran straight towards the lab. That stupid little girl cried out for her father as her mother sprinted behind her, desperate to grab her and drag her to safety. It would all be for nought. She and her husband would be dead in a few seconds and her daughter would later wish she had been able to share that fate with them.
There were times throughout her life that Ava often found herself looking back on this day, so many questions playing in her mind. What if they had just ran to safety? Would her mother still be alive? Would they have even made it out? All questions that still kept her up at night even though she knew it was a pointless exercise.
In here it would be no different but still as her younger self sprinted past Ava felt her arm lunge out, snagging the wrist of the little girl. She tried to pull her back begging, “Don’t go back there!”
Her younger self regarded her for a moment, then smirked, “You can’t stop yourself.” she hissed before she shoved her, possessing a strength far beyond that of the little girl she had been, sending her clear through the wall. Ava landed on her back coughing and spluttering.
Hastily getting to her feet she realized that she was in a lab, a very familiar one at that. It was the one she was kept in back at SHIELD. Her younger self, a little older this time, maybe ten at a push, sat on a hospital bed while doctors and scientists buzzed around her like angry bees in a hive. She wasn’t connected to anything today but she had the purple mottled bruising from many prodding hands and needles. Occasionally her tiny body seemed to blur, indicating she was phasing. Even from a distance Ava could see that she was in pain. From the clenched hands, the slight shaking, to her mouth pressed in a thin line. Ava remembered the pain. It wasn’t something she would ever be able to forget. When she was younger it was what she imagined being electrocuted felt like, sharp zaps all over her body that varied in intensity. But even though she was feeling all of that her younger self was silent as the workers around her chatted. She knew the consequences for talking, for distracting people from their work. So she sat, idling picking up bits and pieces of conversation,
“Subject is responding well…deterioration is increasing though...”
“...almost feel sorry for her.”
"Fucking freak.”
That’s all she was to them. An animal in a cage. Something to be poked and prodded and studied . Not a person. Not anymore.
Her younger self stayed silent. She’d long stopped asking for Doctor Foster. She knew that he wasn’t coming for her. That for all his promises he wasn’t coming to save her this time.
“Ava?” she turned, a man was by her bed, one of the lead scientists. He was older, early fifties give or take with a receding hairline and a smile that never reached his eyes. Ava had never really liked him but he was one of the few people who talked to her.
“Do you remember what we talked about a while ago? About how if we help you, you might need to help us?” He asked gently, bending down to look into her eyes. Her younger self nodded.
“I have this for you,” from behind his back he pulled out a smaller version of her old suit, “It should help you with your phasing, make the pain a little easier.” Her younger self eagerly reached for it, the idea of dulling the pain, even a little bit too irresistible. The scientist yanked it out of her reach before her fingers could even graze the pure white rubber. He held it close to him, like he was withholding a treat from a dog. “All you have to do is a couple of things for us.” He said. Ava was already nodding before he finished. He smirked, slowly handing the suit over to the gleeful little girl.
She was given her first job a few days later. Steal some data from some enemy stronghold. No one would believe the workers there if they saw a little white figure walk through walls. The rest as they say was history. A history full of pain and lies.
As the scene began to replay Ava scoffed. That stupid little girl had only gotten stupider. Of course they never wanted to help her. No such thing as a free lunch right? They’d asked for her soul and she’d all but delivered it to them on a silver platter. And for what? They didn’t cure her, didn’t help her, they just used her, a fancy weapon they could deploy whenever they want. Steal this, kill this person, don’t ask why, just do. Or else they couldn’t “help” her anymore. Wouldn’t make the pain stop.
And she fucking bought it.
And when SHIELD fell, who was there for her? Not any of the scientists, none of her fellow agents, a good chunk of them had been HYDRA anyway. No one checked on her, no one cared.
Until Bill found her. She had barely been surviving, stealing what she could to get by, hiding out in abandoned buildings. It was only a matter of time before she got caught or died. But he found her, took her in without a moment’s hesitation. Gave her a home, tried to help her…loved her.
And with that thought Ava found herself in a dining room. An old oak table was in the middle of the room, a singular ceiling light shining on it. She stood in front of the table and Bill sat at the other, one hand holding his head, documents spread out over the surface. Jobs. All the ones she had done for Valentina.
No,no,no,no, not this. Please God no, not this.
She tried to turn away but some unseen force yanked her head back to face herself and Bill. She was going to watch this whether she liked it or not.
The scene began to play, Bill raised his head, his eyes red. “DeFontaine? Ava you better tell me this is a joke.” He began, his voice shaking with…anger? Sadness? Disappointment? Ava still wasn't sure.
“You’ve been working for her?” He stood up, the chair squeaking harshly, “All this time those odd jobs were for her?”
“Bill, let me explain…please.” her past self pleaded. She was shaking. She was afraid this day would come, that he would find out. But of course she’d never come up with a plan of what to do or say. She’d just hoped it would never come to that. But here it was staring her in the face.
Bill gestured to the files, “By all means.”
The other Ava took a deep breath which did her little good to steady her voice, “During the Blip, you were all gone, you, the Pyms, everyone. The pain was coming back and I-I didn’t know what to do.” Tears began to streak down her face, she swiped at them but they just kept coming, “I was so scared that I would fade away this time.” The rest came out in a rush, pure word vomit in her attempt to get it all out. “But Valentina found me, said she could use me. If I did some missions for her she’d get me the healing particles and.. she did.” she stepped towards Bill, he looked like he was going to take a step back but stopped himself, “She helped stabilize me, Bill. I’m going to be alright because of her.”
“So why still work for her? She has nothing on you now, why not just walk away?” he pleaded, stepping closer to her.
Ava shook her head, “I can’t.”
“Bullshit.”
“You don’t understand Bill.”
“Then make me Ava!” he sighed, he was so close to her now. He reached out to pull her into a hug, “You are so much better than this.”
Ava shot back like he’d burned her, “No I’m not!” she snapped.
She stalked around the table, “Do you really think I can get a honest job nowadays Bill? No one wants me, they wouldn't even spare me a second glance if they knew the things I’d done.”
“You don’t know that.”
“Yes I do.” she stopped, grabbing at the files in an attempt to organize them, “I’m a killer Bill. What’s the point in trying to be anything else.”
His hand came to rest on hers, “That’s bullshit Ava and you know it.” he tried to grab her hand, “You could do so much better if you-”
She yanked her hand away, whipping her head up to face him, "What? Turn myself into the Avengers? Last I checked most of them are dead .”
“What about the Pyms?”
“They barely tolerate me as is. Didn’t even bother to check on me when they came back, shows how much they cared,” she spat. Ava swallowed as she watched herself. It was true, the Pyms hadn’t checked on her…but she hadn’t gone to see them either. Hadn't called. Didn’t bother, just assumed they wanted nothing more to do with the phasing charity case they’d so graciously offered to help. The first people who tried to help her since Bill and she hadn’t even bothered to see if they were alright.
“And DeFontaine cares about you?” Bill said, raising his eyebrow.
Her past self scoffed, “I’m not stupid Bill. She doesn’t care about anybody but herself.”
He stepped in front of her, “Then stop.”
She shook her head “I can’t Bill. You need to drop this.” she tried to squeeze past him but he held firm for a moment, only to fix her with those eyes of his. The eyes that said, I am so damn disappointed in you before he let her go and she stalked to the room she had claimed as her own.
She moved out the next day. Not because Bill asked her to but because she couldn’t stand to look him in the face anymore. She hadn’t spoken to him in months.
Ava felt her shoulders start to shake and mist filled her vision. She clenched her fists, feeling her nails pierce her palms leaving little sickles of red in their wake. The pain made her vision clear slightly. Pain she could deal with, it was an old friend of hers. What was the point in crying anyway? It was done. She made the choice to walk away. No use in crying over something that was her own fault.
The scene thankfully changed, turned into something more recent. The Vault. She saw herself, John, Yelena-
Taskmaster.
No Antonia. That’s what Yelena had told her. She stood in front of her, weapons raised.
Ava saw herself raise the gun and shoot her point blank. Saw the hole appear in her mask. She was dead before she hit the floor. She wasn’t even after Ava and she fucking killed her. And for what? So she could die in an incinerator? oh not until Ava had looted her corpse first. She was just a job right? Yelena had known her, said that she was controlled her whole life. That she did a lot of bad things she didn’t want to do but she got out. Now where did that sound familiar? She was so similar to herself and Ava had killed her without a second thought.
That was when she felt something inside of her finally break. She dropped to her knees and sobbed as the sound of the gunshot echoed over and over again.
“I’m sorry.” she cried.
Another shot.
“I’m so sorry.”
Rewind.
Gunshot
Rewind.
Gunshot.
Over and over again.
Eventually the shots were drowned out by the sound of her own sobs. Great, heaving sobs that left her gasping for air. No matter how hard she tried to stop herself, they just kept coming. She didn’t even know why she was crying over this now, it wasn’t going to fix anything. She couldn’t just say she was sorry and expect all the guilt, all the shame, all the bad stuff to just go away. No. People like her didn’t get that luxury.
She wasn’t a good person. Far from it. She was a SHIELD reject who killed and stole because it’s all she knew to do. All she ever could do.
Mercenary.
Broken.
Killer.
Monster .
She deserved this. She wasn’t a hero. She wasn’t good. She would never be any of those things. It's only right she be left here to rot with her demons. The world would be so much better off if she stayed here. No one would-
An almighty crash sounded as none other than Alexei himself charged through the wall like a rampaging Russian Bull.
“AVA!” Her head snapped up, not even having time to wipe away her tears before she was hauled up and brought into a brief but crushing bear hug.
“I’ve found her guys!” Alexei yelled, pulling away. His face fell when he took in her wet cheeks and red rimmed eyes. Ava heard the sound of the other boys making their way through the Red Guardian sized hole in the wall. All the while the gunshot was still being replayed.
John paused for a moment, taking in the scene before him before fixing Ava with a curious look, “Good to see you Ava, how’s your trip down memory lane been?”
“Not the time John.” Bucky grumbled as he took in Ava’s face. Ava felt her lip tremble, of course her teammates had to see her like this. Weak. She was pathetic, she was stupid, she was-
Ava didn’t even realise she was crying until Alexei pulled her back into a firm hug. He smelled of cigars and vodka but Ava didn’t care. She wrapped her arms around him like he was the only solid thing in this damn world and began to sob. She couldn’t remember the last time she had been hugged, it must have been when she was with Bill. The thought of him only made her cry even more.
“It’s alright Ava, it's okay.” He murmured, fucking stroking her hair like a father would. She shook her head. It wasn’t okay, it would never be okay. She would never be okay.
Eventually her sobs quietened and Alexei pulled back, “Hey, this,” he gestured to the scene in front of them, “None of this defines who you are. What you do right now, does.”
…He was right. God damn him, he was right.
She could stay here and cry, surrender to the darkness inside. Or she could do something about it.
God damn this man and his bloody tenacity.
She nodded, sniffed and wiped her eyes with the back of her sleeve.
He smiled, “Good girl,” he slapped her back, a little harder than necessary. Bloody super soldier strength. But he did strike her as the type who probably forgot his own strength sometimes. Ava took a deep breath and followed the others as Alexei led the charge. There would be more rooms ahead, more places filled with so much shame and regret and sadness that it would be a surprise that it could all be contained in one room. But they would face it together. As a team of scrappy misfits.
They were going to find Yelena and Bob, they were going to get out of here and they were going to save New York.
And then she was going to call Bill.