Chapter Text
Buck’s vision blacked out when the second explosion hit. His knees buckled from under him, as the floor shifted sideways, rupturing. He scrambled for Ravi, but couldn’t reach him in time. The floor cracked right through the middle, pushing them in different directions. He braced himself for impact, expecting the fall. The whole building was unstable, so each hit could potentially mean a full collapse.
Thankfully, he landed on his back just a few seconds later. So — not a full collapse. Yet. At least he was alive. Maybe with a few cracked bones to show for it, but still alive. Buck stayed there for a moment, catching his breath. When he opened his eyes, he couldn’t see much through the smoke and dust, but he could vaguely make out Ravi’s silhouette in the far corner of the room. They were supposed to be on the fifth level of the building now, but Buck couldn’t be sure. ‘‘Ravi, you guys okay?’’ He mumbled, ears ringing so hard he barely heard himself, but hoping Ravi would hear him somehow.
The response came a little delayed, after a few coughs. It was weak, but it wasn’t pained. Buck took that as a victory. ‘‘Yeah, Buck, I’m fine. Ethan’s fine, too.’’
‘‘Okay, okay, good.’’ He said, wiping the dust off his face. But — it wasn’t just dust. There was something sticky and red. Blood . It smeared across his sleeve, stained his hand, and then — his vision began to blur—
‘‘Buck, shit, are you with me?’’ Ravi’s face was suddenly close, so close, how did he get so close so quickly? His eyes were so worried and big and Buck’s arm reached out and touched his shoulder softly. He tried to speak, tried to say something, tried to calm Ravi down.
He shouldn’t be worried. Why was Ravi worried? Nothing seemed amiss, but Ravi was near him, breathing heavily and talking to him, calling out to him. Wiping his face.
He couldn’t figure it out. Yes, there was some blood, but his brain felt so scrambled from the chaos and the noise and the pain.
The pain.
Buck looked around and attempted to move his body, to stand up.
Oh.
Oh.
Right.
He was trapped under the rubble.
That’s where the pain came from.
His legs were both under a boulder. Massive. Unmovable. Buck was stuck on his back, unable to move his body, unable to rise from the ground. Falling in and out of consciousness.
He looked again in Ravi’s big, brown eyes and against all reasoning,
Buck laughed.
Buck laughed harshly, a violent sound, so unusual for him. He laughed and he croaked and he saw Ravi stumble backwards, taken aback by his reaction. And if Ravi thought he went mad, well, can you blame him?
‘‘Buck? Buck, this isn’t funny, please, tell me you can move—’’
He couldn’t, but he also couldn’t talk. His vision blacked out again and his mind, his sick mind went to the soaring pain he felt when the fire truck fell on his leg. He remembers how he was fighting to remain conscious, trying not to give in.
A flash of someone holding onto his hand with such force, of all the ways in which they attempted to soothe him. ‘’Buck, hey, look at me. Buck, please, stay— stay with me, you’ll be fine, it’s going to be fine.’’ He remembers trying to smile at them, trying to focus. He remembers the people fretting around, he remembers it all. What a sick and cruel joke. Here again. Trapped again .
Ravi, bless his sweet soul, jumped right into firefighter mode, stabilising him and wrapping tourniquets on his upper legs, where the piece of ceiling (or was it floor?) laid atop of him.
Then Ravi began trying to move the block from Buck’s legs, putting his whole body weight into pushing it off. ‘‘Can you help me out here a bit?’’ He said, calling out to Ethan, the civilian they just saved, who remained a few feet away, looking in disbelief at the scene. Ravi was frantic, pure desperation in his eyes. ‘‘Come on! We need to move this. Come on, please—’’
‘‘Ravi.’’ It was the only thing Buck could say, but his friend didn’t even flinch. He kept pushing and pushing, now that Ethan joined him, his efforts doubled.
Ravi was breathing hard, taking his hand off the boulder just for a second, just to wipe at his eyes. His eyes filled with tears. ‘‘We’re almost there, almost there, Buck! You’ll be free in a second—’’
‘‘Ravi.’’
Another push, harder. A huff. A groan. Ethan looked paler than before, but didn’t say anything. Ravi seemed on autopilot, focused on the task at hand.
Buck sighed, weighing his words carefully. He shared a look with Ethan, this random, poor man, this man who could be one of the last people Buck ever gets to see. His eyes were kind, tired, scared. He just kept pushing the boulder, listening to Ravi’s orders.
But.
They all knew. They all knew they couldn’t get him out, not without help and not now that the whole building could collapse any second. Great , Buck though, just fucking fantastic. What a way to fucking go.
The silence in the room was unsettling, no sound punctured the silence, apart from the sirens outside and Ravi’s and Ethan’s huffs and puffs. Buck closed his eyes, wincing in the pain he desperately tried to ignore. He knew he had to do something.
He gathered all the strength he could muster, raising his head a little bit to get Ravi’s attention. ‘‘Hey, stop.’’
Nothing. Ravi continued pushing the boulder, anger and desperation painting his features.
‘‘Ravi!’’ Buck raised his voice, putting all he had left in it, trying to break Ravi from his haze. ‘’Ravi, you need to get out before this building collapses.’’
‘‘No, Buck, I can’t. I— I can’t.’’ Ravi said, refusing to look Buck in the eyes. He tried again, not managing to move it even a centimeter. ‘‘We can’t lose you, too.’’ He kicked the boulder in frustration, covering his face with his arm. He stayed there for a second, sniffling quietly, thinking.
‘‘Wait, where’s the radio?’’ He scrambled around, out of Buck’s view, searching for it on the ground. “Please, please let it work.”
‘‘Captain Wilson! Hen, please, help! Can you hear me?’’
Buck held his breath. His mind went to the worst case scenario. What if they were trapped too? God— what if something happened to one of them? And he was powerless again, unable to help them, trapped, trapped . Trapped outside of that lab, trapped in this collapsing building, trapped—
‘’Buck? Ravi? Can you hear me? I’m here.’’ Hen responded and Buck could swear he'd never been happier to hear her voice. It was alright, if she was fine. If they were all fine, Buck would be able to let go. They were all that mattered.
‘’Hen, thank God.’’ Ravi said, his voice breaking. ‘‘We need help, I— Buck—’’
He couldn’t get the words out. Buck saw how his hands were trembling, how tears were falling out down on his face, how he wiped at his eyes furiously.
‘‘Ravi, talk to me. What’s wrong? Where’s Buck?’’ Hen’s voice didn’t falter for a second and Buck couldn’t help but feel pride for his friend. He knew she was one of the strongest people he’s ever known, staying so level headed in the face of adversity. Buck had no doubt Hen was going to be a great captain, he couldn’t see anyone filling Bobby’s shoes if not for her.
‘’He’s here, he’s—’’ Ravi tried again, but his voice wavered as he looked Buck in the eyes for the first time since the collapse. Buck wasn’t sure how he looked or what expression was on his face, but it certainly did not help Ravi. It had quite the opposite effect, he started sobbing, shaking.
Buck felt his heart break for him. For all of them. He didn’t want to think about how they’ll manage with losing him too, not so quick after Bobby. Another member of the 118 down.
God, if he were a firefighter from another station, he would never accept a job at the 118. Buck could swear they were cursed.
Ravi inhaled deeply. ‘‘He’s, um, he’s trapped, there’s a massive piece of ceiling on his legs. I tried to move it but it won’t bulge. The floor is creaking, too, I don’t know how long we have until it comes down. We need help. All the help we can get.’’
Silence. Buck would laugh again if he could.
That’s how it ends, he knows it already, he remembers that silence. That helplessness. All you could do is watch and wait, until it’s over. Until there’s nothing left, but that damned silence. Just a spectator, no matter how hard you want to help, to do something.
He doesn’t know how much time passes. It just feels like a long pause, stretching and stretching, everyone holding their breath for the grand finale. Only it won’t be grand. It never is.
Perhaps they were just delaying having to tell Buck he was as good as dead, with no way to bring help in and with the high chances of another explosion hitting soon, if the building didn’t collapse before that.
Buck was certain Hen and Chim were discussing how to proceed, unsure of what to do. His family, fighting to come up with a way to save him. Oh, how much he loved them. He remembers their faces when he said he put in for transfer this morning. Betrayed. Hurt. He thought going away would make it easier, but he was wrong. Isn’t he always? He would give it all now, to have hugged them earlier, to have told them how much he loves them, how they are his family.
He thinks about Maddie. He moves his hands, searching for the phone in his pocket. He hopes it isn’t completely crushed. He’ll call Maddie — ask her to put Jee Yun on, just so he can hear her talk about her day at kindergarten one more time. He would tease her about the boy who keeps annoying her by always grabbing her braids. Because her hair was long enough now to be swirled into two beautiful braids and since then she never wore it another way. Then he would tell them he loves them and will always do so. He’ll say how proud he is of Maddie, of the life she’s built here. Of her and Chim and their family. And, hey, if they wanted to name their baby after him, that was even better. Robert Buck Han didn’t sound so bad, now, did it? Or, fine, Robert Evan Han could work, too. He’d be okay with either option.
Then, he thinks he’d call Chris. He had just got him back from Texas, he’s missed him so much. They would talk about the new board game Chris loves, about his teachers and homework and how he loves history and science and now comes home with all these fun facts that Buck loves. But also about how he’s struggling at making friends, how he’s searching for his place, his people. God, he loves that kid. He wanted to be there for every moment, to see him grow up. He’s already lost so much time with him and—
Eddie . He will be his last call. They would talk about the move back to Texas, about the fight they had earlier in the day, when it seemed like they had a lot more time together, or apart , but still , time. They would talk about the new job, about the captain who didn’t want to hire him for months because he didn’t believe he would stay. Well. He did come back for a short while, but not because it was his choice. And Texas will get him back anyway. Because all that really matters is in Texas and LA was the job opportunity, right? He’s salty, he knows, but he can be however he wants. Selfish. Self—centered. It doesn’t matter now.
And Buck, he will tell Eddie about the situation he’s found himself in, he would allow himself to cry, even if it would be cruel to make Eddie listen to him dying. He would need someone there, at the end, and he knows Eddie would be there for him. He tries not to think about Bobby, about his last moments. He tries and fails.
He finds the phone in his pocket and goes to turn it on.
But, of course, it’s broken. It’s crushed and it won’t turn on. He expected it, but he hoped. He hoped. Now he can’t call Maddie, or Chris, or Eddie. He’ll never get to hear their voices again.
Except.
‘‘Help is on the way.’’ The radio creaks and Buck feels the air being knocked out of him.
He is hallucinating, he has to be. All this talk of hearing them, of talking to them. There is no way he heard that right. But there was no way in hell he would ever not recognise that voice.
Eddie.
This has to be some kind of joke, played by his mind, maybe he’s already dead or this is all just a hallucination. But looking over at Ravi’s shocked face, he knows it’s not.
Why was he here? There was no way— He should be in a plane right now, going to Texas. Safe. With Chris.
‘‘ Buck, hold on, ok? I’m coming.’’ Eddie says, like there’s no room for discussion.
The radio stays on and Buck can’t do this, can’t take this, can’t hear another word. ‘‘No, firefighter Diaz, you are not going inside.’’ Hen’s voice is steady, harsh. She knows she can’t let that happen and Buck would hug her, if only he could move from under this boulder.
‘‘I am not a firefighter anymore, Hen, and you are not my captain. My captain died and I wasn’t there to save him. I will be damned if I don’t at least try. I can’t let that happen to Buck. I can’t lose him.’’
Eddie’s spiraling with guilt and sadness, of course he is. But he can’t come in. Buck can’t let that happen. ‘‘Give me that radio, Rav.’’
Ravi hesitates for a moment, renewed hope sparkling in his eyes, but then he’s pressing the button slowly, nodding to let Buck know he can speak.
‘‘Eddie, listen to Hen, you can’t come in.’’ A pause, Buck’s holding back tears. “There is nothing you can do other than put yourself in danger, too. You can’t save me, Eds. There’s nothing anyone can do...’’
It’s the truth, but it feels so final. There’s so much he wants to say, to him, to Hen, to Chim. “It’s okay guys, it’ll be okay.”
‘‘Shut up, Evan.’’ Eddie’s voice is so thick, so groggy. Buck can tell he’s furious.
‘‘Eddie, I know you’re mad, but you have to think about Chris.’’ Buck attempts again. He knows it’s not fair, talking about Chris now, but he’s the one thing that matters most. He’s Eddie’s priority.
‘‘Don’t you dare. Don’t you dare bring Chris into this.’’
‘‘Please, you have to be safe. For him.”
For me.
There’s quiet nothingness for a long time. Buck doesn’t know what to believe, maybe they’re debating how to proceed. Or maybe they’re restraining Eddie and bringing him home, Buck jokes to himself. As if. He knows he’s not worth running into a collapsing building for. He can’t imagine anyone doing that for him. Loving him that much.
Hen’s voice cuts through the silence and the ramblings in Buck’s brain. ‘‘Ravi, come out with Ethan. Be careful.’’
The words hurt. He knew it was bound to happen, but the sting is as harsh as he expected it to be. He smiles at Ethan and holds Ravi tight when he comes to hug him. To say goodbye.
He isn’t scared of dying, he doesn’t think he ever was. He’ll get to see Bobby soon, too. So it’s not that bad, but the thought of dying alone… that’s what makes him start shaking.
‘‘We’re coming back for you, Buck. Hold on, please.’’
Ravi’s crying, sobbing. Buck wants to tell him it’ll be okay, that he believes they’ll be back to save him, that they’ll arrive in time, but he can’t.
All he can think about is that this could be the last hug I’ll ever get to feel. The last kind eyes I’ll look into.
He watches Ethan and Ravi get to the door, but then. Then they stop.
Because the sound of boots slamming against rubble breaks through. A flashlight beam cuts through the haze, slicing across the debris.
Eddie bursts through the door, almost bringing Ethan to the ground in his haste. He doesn’t even look at him, his eyes finding Buck’s instantly. ‘‘Hey, I’m here.’’ He scrambles forward, embracing Ravi, but never taking his eyes off Buck.
“Keep him alive.” Ravi says, grabbing Ethan by one arm and making their way out on the corridor. Buck wants to say more, but his eyes are on Eddie. Eddie, nodding. Eddie, saying something to Ravi. Eddie .
‘‘Buck.’’ Eddie sobs and oh , the pain in his legs is nothing compared to the heartbreak he feels.
Buck starts sobbing now, despite all his efforts. He can’t hold it in, he can’t pretend with Eddie. Not when Eddie is right there and his hands are warm and he holds Buck’s face in his palms and it’s so soft.
But he shouldn’t be here. He should be on a plane, with his son, safe.
“You can’t be here. You need to get out.” Buck begs. His palms lay on top of Eddie’s, tearing them from his face. He pushes at his chest to get away, to leave, to let him die here. “Chris needs you, you can’t put yourself in danger, please.”
Eddie just shakes his head, wiping tears and dust from Buck’s face. His eyes are burning Buck from their intensity, from the sincere love shining there. “I’m not leaving you. I have pills for the pain and for blood clots. And I can try to alleviate some of the pressure off your leg with this pump. To hold up the boulder.” Eddie explains, taking his backpack off his shoulder. His brown eyes never leave Buck’s blue.
Buck doesn’t understand a thing. “Where did you get that? How did you get past Hen?”
Eddie sighs, tearing his eyes away. He begins working, helping him up in a sitting position and giving him some pills, injections and water.
“She let me come, Buck.” Still avoiding his gaze, Eddie tightens the tourniquets Ravi put in place, wiping the blood and assessing the damage.
He inflates the pump and Buck sighs as a little bit of the pressure is alleviated. He isn’t sure if it hurts less or more, but he’s thankful for it, it buys them a little more time.
“No, I heard you talking. Eddie, she’s eighth, you have to go. It’s dangerous.”
Eddie ignores him, working. After he’s done, he moves so he stands behind Buck. Then slides down, wrapping him in his arms, connecting his chest to Buck’s back.
Eddie hums, then frowns, or Buck thinks he frowns, because he’s behind him and he can’t see his face. And he wants to see his face, even though Eddie’s arms are around his waist and they’re so close and Buck never felt safer. Even in a collapsing building, even with his legs trapped. “Oh. How much did you hear?”
“Not much, I don’t think so. Not much after you told me to shut up.”
He doesn’t hear Eddie swallow, he feels him. And for a second it doesn’t matter that his head hurts, that his whole body hurts. Having Eddie here, feeling him, feeling his warmth, it’s more than Buck could wish for, in his last moments.
“You’re cold.” Eddie says, nuzzling his neck, dragging Buck’s body even closer to his, to his chest. Buck closes his eyes, feeling guilty for enjoying the contact more than he should. More than he’s allowed. Eddie would recoil if he heard Buck’s thoughts right now. He’s just doing his job. He holds him just to keep him warm, to keep him alive.
They stay in silence for a moment. Buck’s sure Eddie is just listening to his heartbeat, checking, assessing. He relaxes his body, leaning more into Eddie, but he can’t lose any second, so he has to ask “You’re not gonna tell me what you said? To Hen?”
“Buck, just focus on breathing, okay?”
Buck tries, but he needs to understand. “Why are you here?”
“Buck—“
“No, I need to know. I need to know how you got here. Talk to me, please?.” Buck turns his head around, to look at Eddie, to see his eyes. Just that small movement gets him dizzy.
“I went to the firehouse earlier. I needed to talk to you about leaving, about Texas.”
“Couldn’t wait until I got home?”
Eddie notices Buck’s straining his neck to look at him and moves to his side. He scoots in closer, touching his forehead to Buck’s.
“No, it couldn’t.”
‘‘What was so important that couldn’t wait?’’ Buck focuses on breathing now, on his words, on not falling asleep. Having Eddie so close, touching him, feeling him, it’s bliss. He wants to lean onto him and close his eyes. He’s tired, so tired, but he has to know.
‘‘I realised that I can’t get on that plane.’’
Buck is tired and Eddie is not making a lot of sense now. He thinks he gets it, but he doesn’t let himself dream about it.
“Buck, please, stay with me, baby.”
‘‘What?’’
‘‘I realised that my place is here, with you.’’
And oh. He gets it now.
‘‘I brought Chris with me to the station. We were both so happy to tell you we were staying, for good.’’ A pause, Buck can’t breathe. Eddie is so close, Buck can see the worry lines on his face, he wishes he could kiss it away. ‘‘Then we heard when the building collapsed, with you guys inside. So, I knew I had to come help. I was so desperate that I couldn't find you, I was going mad and then...”
“The radio.”
“Yeah.”
“And I had to come in.”
“You can’t save me, Eddie, not even you.”
Eddie presses his lips to Buck's forehead. “I won’t let you die alone, then.”
“What about Chris?”
“Don’t, please.”
“You’re selfish, you know? He’ll survive without me, but he can’t lose another parent. You’re all he’s got.”
Buck doesn’t feel the tears, not until Eddie’s hands are wiping them off his face.
“What if I can't?” A pause, Buck swallows hard, in disbelief. “Survive without you?”
“Eddie.”
“No, no, and if you think for one second that losing you wouldn’t mean Chris losing another parent, then you’re wrong. You’re his parent, too.”
“I’m not.”
“Well, tell him that. He made me promise I’ll save you.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah, oh .”
“And Hen— Hen told me she understands that's what I have to do. That she doesn’t agree with it from a captain's perspective, that it’s dangerous and irresponsible and that Chris— he would be alone. But she understands because she would do the same, if Karen was in here.”
“But I’m not, I’m not that , for you. I don't. I'm not—”
“Buck.” Eddie shakes his head, puts his hand on Buck's cheek. ''You're that for me, you're everything.''
And finally, finally, Eddie presses his lips against his. It’s soft, nothing more than just a touch, but it’s Eddie . It’s them. BuckandEddie . And it just makes all the sense in the world. Why nothing worked with anyone else, why he’s always had this hole in his heart, this open wound.
It was Eddie. Of course it was Eddie. It’s always been Eddie.
Buck feels his world collapse and come back together in the same breath—like everything realigns. And it’s almost poetic, definitely cruel, that the earth trembles beneath them just then, sending more rubble crashing down.