Work Text:
Eddie pressed against the wall like it might swallow him whole.
There was no reason to call attention to the fact that he was in the room, no matter what was happening in his own head. No matter the answer to questions that might not be asked anyways. Buck was just thinking, after all. Just thinking about it. And not even doing much of that, at the moment, as Eddie watched him drift in and out of awareness as all their friends tried to talk to him. No need to pressure him more now.
Anytime he tried to catch Eddie’s gaze, Eddie found the floor.
The nurse eventually shuffled everyone out, insisting that Buck should get some rest. Eddie knew better than to get in the way of the professionals doing their jobs, and, well, visiting hours would start up again the next morning. He needed a shower and a change of clothes and a night of anything but thinking of his own. Eddie said his goodbyes to Hen, Chim, Ravi, and Athena before heading home.
Eddie arrived home to his son fast asleep on the couch, no blanket or pillow, just yesterday’s clothes and and the exhaustion of a long day written all over him. He still had his glasses on, and Eddie ached for the bygone era when he could pick him up and tuck him into bed without waking him. But, those days had long since passed, and Eddie instead gently shook his shoulder to guide him towards his bed.
He still managed to get a question or two in about Buck, but Eddie was quick and curt with his answers, and thankfully, the kid was out like a light not even five minutes after he’d crawled into bed. Eddie was grateful for it, and let that thought lull him to sleep, easing his mind of the turmoil of the day.
Eddie left early the next morning, leaving a note for Chris telling him to just hang by the house and not stop by the hospital. Hen knew Buck would be released that day and an extended conversation in the 118 group chat ended with him getting put on rideshare duty. Partly because Chim had made a bajillion Uber driver jokes, and partly because, well, they were staying at the same place.
He tried not to let that latter fact get in his head too much, as he drove to the hospital in silence.
Buck was fast asleep when he crept into the hospital room, and Eddie'd been through enough bedside waits to know that idle hands served no one. After consulting with the nurse, the doctor, getting the logistics of care, he settled in for a wait with a paperback he’d brought for just that. He managed to lose himself in the memoir well enough that he missed Buck waking, and his first clue that something had changed was a soft grunt of pain as his the idiot tried to push himself up.
The book was far less important now. He dropped it on the floor next to him. “Mornin’. How’re you feeling?”
A few seconds thought fooled Eddie into thinking that a useful answer might be forthcoming. “Like a building fell on top of me,” Buck said instead.
Eddie rolled his eyes. “You’re hilarious, but if you’re making jokes, then I’m gonna take that as a win.”
Not enough of one to stop him from trying to sit up more. “It’s really not that bad right now.”
Eddie would prefer he stay down, but he didn’t seem to taken with that idea, so he figured it better to help Buck situate his pillows into a sitting position. “Good. Morphines’ not that high right now so. Yay.” God, did Buck even remember what he’d said yesterday? He was acting like it was any other post death experience, a concerning sentence if there ever was one, but. No, Eddie wouldn’t pressure him.
“You read my chart?”
“No, I asked your nurse.”
“Ah, even better.” Buck’s voice was thin and wavering, and Eddie was uncomfortably conscious of the fact that he had maybe overstepped. That they weren’t…that they hadn’t decided to…he was just so used to living intertwined with Buck, but that was the action of a legal next of kin, a husband, a partner. Not a friend. But, then again, if you couldn’t monitor your son’s hypothetical legal guardian who was literally living in your house, who could you check on?
Eddie pulled himself together enough to pass on what he’d learned, gesturing around the room while still monitoring Buck as best as he could. “So, I’m gonna be your ride home today. No work for at least six weeks, you’ll get the cast off after three. Um, there’s also a list here of things you can’t do, lift heavy objects, swim, blah blah blah. This has got daily meds, the number for a PT for your arm if things aren’t healing well, follow-up appointment info. I’m sure you know the drill by this point.”
“Sheesh, you talk to my doctor too?” Buck asked.
“Uh, yeah. She was in here when you were still asleep.” Maybe if he acted like it was normal, Buck would ignore it.
“Look, Eddie…” Or not. Eddie settled back into the armchair. “What I said…in the rubble…” Or that, shit.
“Buck you,” his voice stuttered, “you don’t have to tell me. Not right now.”
“I want to.” Eddie’s heart stopped. Want to…? “It doesn’t have to mean anything. I shouldn’t have put that…put that all on you. It’s not fair.”
And wasn’t that just like him. To give it space, like Eddie should be doing now. “Buck, c’mon, you were bleeding out with your arm stuck under a rock. I’m not gonna demand an explanation for what you said.”
“Oh.”
It was such a small word from a usually boisterous man. Was he already screwing it up? “But, uh. I also won’t stop you. If you have something to…to tell me. You should.” There. Now it wasn’t his responsibility to figure out. Buck might not have anything to say, after all. He had just been thinking. And Eddie knew how he would answer, but that was only if there was a question to ask, and if there wasn’t, then it didn’t matter. If his hands would stop shaking, he’d even believe it.
“Okay. Fine. I just…I don’t think the reason I was so messed up about you leaving for Texas was just…a normal reaction.”
Eddie couldn’t help it if his response was a little sarcastic, “Oh?”
“Eddie, man, I care about you. A lot. I want you here, I want you and Chris here, where we’re able to feel some semblance of normalcy after every—…I don’t care if it's selfish. You matter to me. Things are better when you’re around. My life is better with you in it. I don’t know what comes next but, I knew I just needed to tell you that. That I…that I….yeah.” Buck was crying, by the end of his statement. Eddie almost couldn’t bear it.
Eddie was frozen, for a long moment. That wasn’t. It wasn’t the strongest question, but. ‘Life is better with you in it’ sounded like keeping someone to him. That was the most important thing. He reached out to Buck. “Would you have said anything without the building collapse?”
Would Buck have just let him leave? Did it matter to him the way that Eddie had fallen down the rabbit hole and realized that keeping Buck mattered? Or was it just a light improvement on their status quo, something Buck could live without? He felt tears roll down his own face at the thought.
“Not for a while, I think. I don’t really think I knew until Tommy said something and got me thinking.”
“Yeah, well, screw that guy.” If Eddie was going to try something with Buck, he was allowed to unconditionally hate his ex, that was just common sense.
Buck snorted. “He did help save Chim’s life by buying Athena time to get the antidote. And he was there right after…”
When Eddie wasn’t there, Buck didn’t say. So maybe he was only allowed to conditionally hate Buck’s ex, but still he scoffed and rolled his eyes. “Fine, whatever. Still, screw him.”
Buck sighed. “Yeah, sure. I just…it wasn’t even something that occurred to me. Not until then. And I think I’d been…avoiding thinking about it as a possibility because you were with Chris, but then everything happened and now…”
“Now what?”
He met his eyes. For a moment they wavered on the edge of the possibility. Eddie was still terrified of what it could mean, but he had taken plunges for worse causes than Buck.
“I…” Buck gave Eddie just enough time to start second guessing, to worry that maybe Buck had just been rambling, that he was crying now for some other reason, or even because he missed fucking Tommy, and that he was going to ask Eddie to give him space to rebuild that relationship or something equally unacceptable. “Nothing.” Buck pulled his hand away.
“What?” Nothing? Nothing?
“Now, nothing. I told you how I feel. Let’s just move on.” Buck was avoiding his eyes again like he hadn’t just thrown away something that could have reshaped their lives for the better.
“Buck, you can’t just expect to keep going like nothing’s happened.” He couldn’t expect Eddie to continue on like he’d never forced Eddie to think about life where he got to keep him, claim him in front of Chris and the 118 and God and everyone, and Buck was asking him to pretend that had never happened???
“What else am I supposed to do?” Buck literally shifted away from Eddie, the coward. It wasn’t even a dismissal, just an escape and Eddie was furious.
“Maybe not move around in your bed like you can run away from me? Maybe try talking to me about this some more?” Maybe tell Eddie what he fucking wanted so that Eddie didn’t have to live in limbo any longer?
“There’s nothing else to say.” Eddie begged to disagree. Unless Buck meant that he wanted them to be nothing to each other, which was a concept so stupid Eddie didn’t bother to entertain it, then he could use his words to ask for what he wanted, instead of dismissing the entire conversation out of hand.
“How do you know?” Was Buck leaving him before they’d even had the chance to try something at all?
“Because you’re straight, Eddie!” Buck shouted so loudly that Eddie pulled back, half wondering if anyone in the hall could hear. He was straight. He had been, at least. Was that something that’d stopped? “Kind of a big roadblock in the whole, I want to try starting a relationship thing.”
Eddie’s mind caught on the word. Relationship. Relationship. Not nothing, after all. “That’s what you want?”
“Was that not obvious enough?” Buck asked as though he’d been clear about anything this entire time.
“No. You didn’t say that.” If he had, Eddie would have told him that the rest didn’t matter.
“I said enough.” Buck seemed to think that maybe it did matter after all. Most people would say it did. God, what would his parents think? What would Chris? Even so–
“You really didn’t.” Because surely, surely, Eddie wasn’t second guessing himself now. It was worth it.
“Why does it matter, anyway?” Was it so inconceivable that Buck wouldn’t even consider it?
Eddie turned away, to try to marshal his thoughts. “Buck. I don’t—” He started, but his words caught in his throat. “God dammit. Look. I don’t…I don’t have a grasp on the whole…” He desperately looked up at Buck, hoping he would understand like he had so many times in the past. “Gender of it all.” He said, unable to reach for the correct words. Buck quirked a baffled eyebrow, and Eddie knew he must be doing it wrong, but he forged on regardless. “It’s confusing. I’m confused. And I’m…I don’t think I’m ready to think about that part yet.” He sighed, and shoved it to the side for a problem for later. It was easier to rest on the certainties. “But I’m ready to think about the fact that I care about you too. And if you just…god, I don’t know. If you want to try something. Something more.” Eddie’s voice cracked against the thought of it, of the trying. Of the mere possibility.
If you’ll really let me keep you, the way I’ve never been able to keep anyone else.
Buck was still, but he looked happy. Shocked, but. Like he meant it. It gave Eddie the courage to reach out and take Buck’s hand.
“Then I’m willing to try too,” Eddie finished.
He waited for Buck to respond. To say something, anything, to cheer, to smile and say yes, to yell at him angrily for misunderstanding, to take it all back. He knew, logically, that Buck wasn’t the kind of guy to do the latter, but he still didn’t understand how he had put that look of frozen wonder on Buck’s face as he whispered, “You’re serious?”
“Right now, I think I am. Ask me tomorrow.” He winced at the reflexive joke, sure once again that he was messing this up already. “No, I’m kidding,” he clarified, but he knew it wasn’t enough. “When I think of my life in the long term Buck, it’s always with you in it. Not with some unknown person I may meet one day off in the future, I picture it with you. You picking up Chris from school, you making the house your own space, filling the cabinets with all the spices you need for Bobby’s recipes, you telling me about Jee’s latest obsession after you get back from babysitting. You and me. That’s what I’m certain about.” He might not yet understand what Buck would get out of it, not really, but if he was serious about this then Eddie was going to grab on with both hands and never let go.
“Eddie, I don’t even…” Buck shook his head, and Eddie understood that he needed to put his money where his mouth was and prove that he wasn’t joking in the slightest.
“Evan,” he started. This needed as much weight as he could manage. If Evan Buckley was going to take a chance on him, then he needed to make it clear that it was about all of him.
Then Buck met his eyes and swayed forward, open and trusting past all the bruises, seen and unseen, and every good intention that Eddie had had fell out of his brain. He released his grasp on Buck’s hand, stood from his chair and pressed his lips to his best friend’s, to his partner’s, to the person who had spent the last six years becoming one of the most important people in Eddie’s life.
He brought a trembling hand up to Buck’s jaw. The rasp of stubble against his palm felt almost as sharp as the sensation around his lips. Eddie had just enough time to wonder if Buck could feel his own when lips moved under his, and he stopped worrying about the logistics of kissing a man to just fall into the sensation of kissing Buck.
Air became a necessity eventually. Eddie broke off to breathe, and Buck kept his eyes closed and pressed his forehead against Eddie’s. It was too much and he started to shake, tears falling once more. Buck was there to catch him, like he always was, and brushed away Eddie’s tears until he could breathe enough for strained chuckles to tumble out—tentative, breathless, but filled with relief, passing between them.
“God, I’m gonna be so dehydrated after this conversation.” He muttered. Really after the last several days. Weeks, maybe. The rumble of Buck’s laughter underscored that this, at least, was worth it.
“I thought you said you weren’t certain about the whole gender thing.” He teased, and Eddie shuddered at the feeling of Buck’s hand trailing all down his arm to tangle in his own fingers.
“Yeah, well. I’m not.” If Buck expected him to work it out this fast, he could kindly fuck off. As long as he didn’t physically pull his forehead from Eddie’s, that is.
“You just kissed me,” Buck replied like he wanted Eddie to have the damn crisis now.
So Eddie ignored him. “Mmmm, not important.”
Buck laughed at him again and this was clearly too much for his injuries, because he hissed and pulled away, the sudden lack of contact making his skin feel numb. “Ow.”
“Morphine?” Eddie stood up to go fetch the painkiller, knowing Buck would be safe for another dose.
“No, I’m fine.” He winced in a no doubt machismo desire to muscle through the pain. “It just hurts to laugh.”
Eddie tilted his head to the side, and figured mischievously that was probably a theory worth testing. “Oh god, well that’s gonna make this recovery process even harder, I won’t be able to practice my comedy routine!”
Buck grinned, and pushed down a snort. “Oh my god, please do not.”
“No Buck, you don’t understand, you haven’t even heard my best puns.”
“You’re such a lame dad sometimes.”
“Sometimes?! I hold that title with honor, Evan Buckley.”
Eddie drank in the sight of Buck laughing before he sat back in his chair and did a few quick bows.
“Thank you, thank you, I’m here all night.”
Buck took some deep breaths, and the reminder that he was alive, that Eddie hadn’t lost him to any of the crazy peril that chased their lives was even better.
“You’re awful.”
“And you’re the one who wants to date me.” Eddie was ready to crow it from the rooftops. Buck wanted to date him. Buck was going to keep him forever.
“I’m gonna change my mind,” Buck teased, but Eddie was sure, in that moment, that he never would.
“Good luck finding someone else to room with while you heal, then.” Eddie would let him stay gladly. Eddie was going to keep Buck just as long.