Chapter Text
As soon as the debris from the collapsing building caught up with him and the cable went slack, Buck knew he was screwed.
He was in free fall for so long, it felt like hours before finally he hit the ground. The impact drove the air from his lungs, and pain burst through his torso like fire. Buck’s vision swam as he coughed out and squinted through the concrete dust. He couldn’t see anything, the air too thick with the fog of destruction.
He tried to move but pain flared up his arm. Buck cried out in shock. Somehow, he hadn’t noticed the pile of rubble now comfortably sitting on top of his right arm. He hissed through his teeth and tried to get a better look at the injury, but to no avail. He was shoulder deep in concrete, stuck with barely any visibility, and, just the icing on the cake, when he went to check in, he found his radio missing.
Awesome.
To kill the time, he shouted for help. Not enough to tire himself out, of course, but when the dust finally cleared, he wanted it to be easier for them to find him. After, he took stock of the rest of his body, checking for injuries. His tailbone hurt like a mother, his right shoulder ached, and Buck only had to glance at his foot to see it bent entirely the wrong way. It was a miracle he wasn’t in more pain.
There was also his arm, of course. The next time Buck looked over at it, he saw blood starting to pool by his bicep. Crap.
“Firefighter Buckley!” He heard a shout from behind him. Buck scrambled to try and turn around.
“I’m over here!” He yelled over his shoulder, coughing slightly from the dust.
“Buck!” A person appeared out of the rubble, clambering down a slab of concrete. Their mask was on, so Buck couldn’t get a good look, but they were soon followed by one other person.
The firefighter circled around to face Buck, and tore off their helmet. Eddie’s immensely worried face greeted him and Buck couldn’t help but smile.
“Hey, man.”
“Jesus, Buck.” Eddie leaned forward to get a better look at his arm. “How badly does that hurt?”
“Maybe like a four? It’s honestly not that bad.” He answered easily. Unfortunately, Evan Buckley had a pretty good sense of the pain scale.
“Ravi, we’re gonna need a 30 inch crow. Actually screw that, just go get an airbag.” He demanded, and, right, there was another person here. Buck had somehow forgotten.
“Got it.” With that, Ravi was off, disappearing behind him. Eddie was pulling a small flashlight out of his turnouts and shuffled closer to Buck in order to peer into where his arm was pinned.
His heart thrummed desperately as Eddie pressed against Buck and angled his head in odd ways. He squinted and brushed his hair off his forehead, before hanging his head.
“Dammit. Can’t see jack with this still on you.” He swore, lifting off of Buck. His heart still raced, and a strange unease churned in his stomach.
“Cap, no way of telling how bad the arm injury is here. We gotta get this off of him.” Eddie radioed to Gerrard. Wait, when had they told him he was injured in the first place?
“Copy that, Diaz. We’re hooking up the equipment now.” The radio crackled back, and Eddie dropped it, panting heavy. Buck, currently half-standing half-sitting, adjusted a bit to lean against a piece of rubble behind him. It wasn’t comfortable, but it at least took weight off his injured foot. He winced at the release of pressure. Eddie studied him again.
“You’re gonna be fine.”
“Please keep saying that, it helps.” He quipped back as he twisted slightly to get a better position to sit down. Eddie scoffed at him.
“I honestly can’t tell if you’re being sarcastic or not.”
“I’m actually not, I promise.”
He tipped his head back against the rock, relieving some of the ache in his neck. They fell into an odd silence, Eddie still hovering over Buck looking for residual injuries. He’d already noticed his foot and rotated it back while instructing Ravi to get them equipment. Still, Eddie busied himself constantly surveying Buck up and down, eyes tracing his prone form like he could find every ache and bruise before Buck even felt it, the only sounds the distant sirens and crumbling debris around them.
Eddie lifted Buck’s free arm and pressed a thumb against his wrist. He brushed his sleeve away to find his watch, and began to take Buck’s pulse. The skin-to-skin contact made Buck’s mind flutter, and he stared at his friend. Thinking. Wondering.
“Hey…hey Eddie.” He started, his chest still heavy from the unclean air and impact from the fall. Eddie barely looked up but acknowledged him with a nod.
“Are you really going back to Texas?”
Eddie stilled. He kept his hand on Buck’s wrist and worked his jaw.
“Are you really transferring out of the 118?”
Got me there.
“Fair point.”
He quieted again, chewing on his lip. It tasted like dust.
“It’s just…it’s been nice having you back around. You and Chris, I mean.” Buck didn’t know why he added that last part. Eddie knew that he loved Chris. Why did he feel the need to specify?
“I know.” Eddie sighed, still grasping onto his wrist but looking up at Buck guiltily. “It’s, I just, I’d hate to pull him out of school again. Make him adjust all over again.”
“Right.”
“And then I have to sell the house, and move all my stuff back, and you and I would have to figure out how to deal with the house here.” He began rambling, waving his free hand around for emphasis. Buck almost laughed.
“You don’t have to justify it to me.”
Eddie squinted at him—skeptical, silent, like he was trying to read something written between the lines, something Buck wasn’t saying. Was there something he wasn’t saying?
“Then why’d you ask?”
Buck’s voice caught in his throat. He didn’t have an answer for that. He couldn’t even remember why the thought occurred to him in the first place. He looked everywhere but Eddie, trying to come up with something.
“Thought you’d maybe changed your mind since I almost died.” Buck studied the rubble around him before shrugging, like he was gesturing to this whole situation. Eddie’s eyes widened as he shook his head.
“Hey, Buck, you’re nowhere near dying.”
“I know, I know. Apologies for the gallows humor.”
“What did I just say?”
He chuckled, but his ribs protested. “Sorry. Ow.” He winced, and Eddie straightened instantly.
“Arm or something else?”
“Chest. Ribs are broken, I think.” He coughed out, and Eddie began prodding at Buck’s torso with his free hand. His hands surveyed the bruises and cuts, but didn’t call out anything to worry about, so that was a plus.
Buck’s gaze caught on Eddie’s face as he regarded his injured form. His worried brows, anxious frown, clenched jaw. There was dust caught in his hair, his cheeks, floating around his face and landing on his eyelashes, his lips. He wondered if his friend knew, felt the pinpricks of debris dancing along parts of his skin.
Buck studied his face, and suddenly it felt like he was seeing Eddie for the first time in his life. Truly seeing him, as if his vision had been clouded for years but now he could see through the fog. See his best friend with something more. A wave of emotion crashed into him, would’ve taken his breath away if he wasn’t already so winded. His stomach twirled and coiled at the closeness all of a sudden, his breath instantly feeling hot in his throat and his pulse racing.
“Whoa, Buck, you’re way elevated right now. You feel anything? Anything else bleeding?” Eddie’s voice smacked his awareness, and the fuzzy feeling washed away. Buck blinked at the question.
“What? No, I just…” He paused, unsure what to say. “I feel fine. Sorry.”
“Why are you apologizing for being injured?”
“I’m not, that's the point.” He retorted but Eddie deadpanned him. He waved towards his arm.
“Other than the…”
“Yes, well. Other than that.”
Eddie had dropped his wrist, and Buck admitted he missed the warmth of the contact. He breathed as deep as he could to try and keep his heart rate down, under control, not let it flutter amongst the unknown feelings roiling in his gut. Eddie sat back on his haunches once he’d finished running worried hands along Buck’s torso.
“No punctures or noticeably out of place ribs, so I think it’s just your arm we gotta worry about. Ravi!” He punctuated his statement by ripping his radio off his shoulder, yelling into the speaker.
“What’s the status on that airbag?”
“ETA three minutes, had a bit of a hiccup up here.” Ravi’s voice hissed through the radio.
“I can last that long, right?” Buck managed to joke. Eddie dropped the device, and sent him the biggest bitch face he’d seen in a awhile.
Again, those eyes. Burrowing into his soul, making his palms sweat and his knees tremble—or was that just his nerves acting up from the injury? Buck couldn’t tell. But something about the uncertainty pushed him to ask, to start a conversation he wasn’t sure he wanted to end.
“Hey, Eddie.” He said again, though this time his tone was much more hesitant. Tentative. Eddie didn’t seem to notice.
“Yeah?” He looked up at him, questioning, and something in it snatched his confidence. Something about the reality of what he might’ve said struck him—his breath caught, and he clamped his mouth shut.
A voice appeared in his mind. Tommy’s, soft and gentle, but also piercing and upsetting as he tore apart their relationship out of arrogance. His words, some of the last words he’d said to him when Buck still thought they had a chance, raced into his mind, overtaking his senses. Now that the competition is gone.
The competition is gone.
…
Competition.
“Never mind.” He croaked out, adjusting awkwardly under the heat of Eddie’s gaze.
“What?”
“It’s not important.” Buck deflected, but something in his demeanor or tone must’ve piqued Eddie’s interest. He knelt down to get at eye level.
“Buck.” He baited.
“Eddie.” He snarked back. His friend rolled his eyes.
“Stop looking at me like that, and just say what you want to.”
“Really, Eddie. It’s…I’m gonna be fine. Don’t feel like doing the big important deathbed words…thing.” He waved away the abstract concept as a poor attempt at a joke. But Eddie didn’t laugh. He just kept staring at Buck.
“Important words?” He quoted, and Buck’s gut fluttered again. He shrank down into his shoulders, wanting to hide away in the rubble.
“Wait, important words about what?”
Buck didn’t even know. That was the problem. He was working off of a mysterious and impulsive feeling, and a stray comment from his ex. Not exactly the best ground to be standing on. All he knew is he wanted to say something. He just figured he’d know what that something was right before he was actually going to say it.
But his lips remained shut.
“Buck, if it’s about me moving to Texas…”
“It’s not—”
“Then look.” Eddie interrupted. “I can have that conversation with Chris. With my parents, start thinking about the logistics. I don’t wanna make you any promises, but…” Eddie trailed off, and something hopeful wormed its way into his heart. Eddie’s pause, his deep breaths as he too struggled to find the right words, gave Buck a moment to think. Really think.
Was he really competition?
“I would be lying if the thought didn’t cross my mind.”
Buck froze. He felt like his heart had stopped. The hopeful feeling soared and he wanted to laugh from happiness, but he already knew his ribs wouldn’t agree.
“You’re serious?”
Eddie nodded. “Chris trusts me again. I don’t have any ties in El Paso really, now that I’ve screwed things up with my parents again.”
“Eddie…” Buck tried to comfort, but his friend wave off his pity.
“Don’t even try to sugar coat it, I did. Even if they kind of deserved it…” He hung his head, sitting down and resting an arm on his knee. Eddie ran a hand through his hair and Buck struggled once more to keep his heart rate steady.
“Bobby is gone.” Eddie said, and the words were like ice, like a hammer to his temple. As true as it was, he still didn’t like hearing it.
“He’s gone, and he’s never coming back.” His remark was thick with emotion. “And the 118 means so much to me and…” Buck couldn’t tell if his friend was on the verge of tears or just fighting to breathe through the thick dust hanging in the air.
“And it’d be a mistake if I didn’t stick around just ‘cause I was afraid of being reminded of him every day.” He confessed, blowing out a heavy breath. Buck wanted to say something, but he couldn’t. His grief weighed him down too much.
“I’m no coward Buck.” He looked back up at him. “But you know I’m still grieving. We all are. And I just thought going back to El Paso would just be…easier.” The last word fell out of him, thudding onto the ground with a hollow sort of finality, like even he didn’t quite believe it.
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you that.”
Buck finally felt like he could speak again. “It’s okay, Eddie.”
“It really isn’t. I was just trying to avoid thinking about it, talking about it, with everyone. With you.” He began absentmindedly brushing some of the dust and rubble off his jacket.
“But let's just say this whole building falling on you is a bit of perspective. I’d be damned if I wasn’t here when someone else I cared about got hurt.” Eddie finished, staring directly at Buck, like he was trying to push back some barrier, understand him with just a look. Maybe Eddie was just as consumed with confusion and feelings like Buck was. Or maybe he was just looking at him.
Competition.
That’s what Tommy had said. Had called him. Had called Eddie. Had labeled him as someone to fight against. Someone Buck had to be turned away from.
As much as everyone seems to want me to be hopelessly pining for my straight best friend, it just isn’t like that.
Buck kept eye contact and thought about Eddie—how he cared about his son, his work, his job. How he put everyone else before his own needs, to his detriment. How he acted so impulsively and dramatically all the time and didn’t even realize how self-destructive he could be. How he found comfort and growth in every aspect of life—in the simple things like movies and ice cream and dressing up for fun and playing video games, and in the hard things, like going to too many funerals and making bad decisions and struggling with self-doubt. How his bravery always came first, even when it got him hurt.
How he never stopped trying to be the best version of himself. How he persevered despite every shitty thing life had thrown at him.
How he looked at Buck like he’d hung the stars.
It just isn’t like that.
God, how long had he been lying to himself??
“What is it?” Only when Eddie said something did Buck realize he’d been staring for far too long. His awareness flooded back into him, and Buck opened his mouth.
“I…” There was so much to say. So much to realize, to confess, to rationalize, all of it happening in the worst possible place, in the worst possible time. Trapped under half a building, the air thick with dust and the weight of fear pressing just as heavy as the debris, Buck could barely form the words.
I’m in love with Eddie Diaz.
The sentence tore away any stable ground he was standing on. He suddenly felt weightless, floating in that realization, as his mind seized from the shock of it. He’d never felt more emotions all at once in his life. Not when Maddie left for school, not when he found out about Daniel, not when Tommy Kinard opened his eyes to his own identity, not when Bobby told him to leave, so he wouldn’t have to witness him die right in front of him. His sense of self, his own being, swirled with the knowledge, filling him up with a mix of excitement, joy, confusion, horror, embarrassment. His gaze drifted back to Eddie’s lips, and the sight made his head spin, tearing the breath out of his lungs. He felt like he might pass out, and Buck couldn’t tell if the lightheadedness came from his injuries or the sheer shock of this feeling—this unfamiliar, aching pull, settling deep in his chest.
What the hell was it? Was that just love? Is that what it’s supposed to feel like?
“Hey, hey, Buck are you with me?” Eddie’s voice brought him out of his own head once more. Based on the wobbled tone, Buck could guess he did actually pass out. Or doze off, or maybe he just zoned out for a second—he couldn’t tell anymore.
All he knew in this moment was Eddie was, once again, close to him. Pressed up against his chest, one hand forcefully rubbing his sternum, the other reaching into the crevice where his arm was, trying to feel for a pulse. Buck’s skin prickled at the touch, and he suddenly felt like he needed to fight to keep his eyes open.
“You’re awake, man. Please stay awake.”
He’d felt connection before—he was sure of it. Abby’s had made his heart spin with eager naivety, with the thought of finally finding a long term partner. Until it’d been stolen away by circumstance and callous communication (or lack thereof, he should say). Ali’s connection was a whirlwind caught up in impulsive decisions, Natalia’s was fleeting and misguided, Taylor’s was brash, unhealthy and doomed from the start and Tommy…well, their bond was real. But not enough to convince him of it.
All of those feelings…had they never been love? Or had they been, but never completely? Too overcome with arousal and desire and desperation to truly push past the surface and find something deeper, someone who was yours, who understood you to a degree never thought possible.
He pressed his eyes open and stared into Eddie’s. They were wide with tamed worry and fear.
This is different. I don’t know how, but it is.
Buck’s sudden onset of tiredness was not a good sign. Losing consciousness, a lack of lucidity, heavy eyelids, all spelled out something more to be worried about. Buck knew it. Eddie must know it too. He felt his shoulder jostle, and he forced his eyes open again to find Eddie squeezing him, his face closer than before.
“None of that, Buckley, keep those eyes open. Status, Ravi!”
"Heading over now!”
Buck’s throat was dry. He flicked his eyes towards the sky, where patches of blue were only just beginning to seep through the lingering haze of dust.
“Eddie.” He spoke. Whispered. Did he whisper? He couldn’t tell anymore.
“I’m here, Buck. I’m right here.” Eddie gripped his hand tightly, and Buck felt something warm slip between their palms. Was that blood? Was it his?
“Hey, man, uh, what, were you saying about those important words, huh, Buck? C’mon, tell me what you were gonna say. Talk to me.” His voice shook. Tears warmed Buck’s face. His hand tightened around Eddie’s.
He forced his eyes open again. A rush of adrenaline, of rigor flooded his veins. His heart raced. He shifted a bit, groaning from the pain.
“I’m not losing you too, Buck, please. Just tell me what you wanted to say.” Eddie must be full-on crying by now. His shoulder ached. He could no longer feel his arm. Buck tried to lean forward, but he could barely move.
“It was just….gah, it was just something Tommy said.” He strained his neck, trying to alleviate the stinging pain. Eddie’s face dropped, though Buck barely noticed. He was too out of it to truly read his expression—confusion, probably but there was also something more.
“Tommy? When did you talk to Tommy?” He asked, almost incredulous. With his arm now numb, he managed to sit up more. His head still swam, but at least he was conscious.
“At the house. He stayed over. Thought we were gonna get back together but…nope.” Buck’s vision blurred. He couldn’t really see Eddie anymore, just a vague shape hovering closely in front of him. He shut his eyes tight, hoping to clear his vision, but it only made things worse.
“You…what?” Eddie sounded utterly baffled. Buck started to laugh, but it just made his torso seize.
“He didn’t stick around, he was intimidated.”
“Intimidated.”
“Yeah. By you.” Buck tipped his head back, his pulse beating ferociously behind his eyes. He didn’t know if Eddie hung in silence for a while or if he dozed off again. All he could sense was a long pause before there was sound again.
“What?”
Buck’s eyes slid closed, but he managed to keep his lips moving. “Called you competition. Was glad you were gone, ‘cause he thought he had a chance with me.” The memory fluttered behind his eyelids. His chest tightened, watching Tommy break his heart before tearfully walking out on him again.
“Oh…that’s…” A voice said somewhere. Who said that?
“Got me thinking, though.” Buck’s words felt far away. He barely hung onto their meaning anymore.
“About what?” The same voice replied, rigid and distraught, fraying at the edges.
“If he had a point.”
There were more voices now, shouts coming from the same far away place his thoughts had been drifting to. The first voice was silent though, like the wind had been taken out of its sails. like the world beneath its feet was cracking in two.
Suddenly a wave of darkness swallowed him whole, and the voices and the feeling he had, the pain and the love of the moment vanished in an instant. Evan Buckley was sinking into the void, and not even the first voice could pull him back.
He relaxed into its warm embrace.