Chapter Text
Amongst the dreary, grey wallpaper and splotches of damp, six overworked and overly-ambitious university students huddled over a sorry excuse for a dining table. It was oak, rectangular in shape with several chunks missing, and always threatened to dish splinters out like hard, wooden punches. However, it functioned (to everybody's surprise), and nobody could be bothered to gather the cash for a new one- so the pathetic table was essentially welcomed into the "family". The students sat around it were nothing short of incompetent, acting more like rowdy children than mature young adults- it was only Kunikida, the unspoken "father" of the group, that was responsible and kept them in line at the cost of his sanity. Some of the others had given up entirely and were only tolerating this mess, like Akutagawa, who always wore a scowl as if he was a model, and was only being kept there by Atsushi, the unsure optimist of them all. Either way, they (mostly) got along and lived just fine, albeit very humbly- and by humbly, in borderline inhumane conditions.
The cell-like dining room of their apartment was bustling with the chatter and bickering of the group- and the miserable table they were crowded around had photos among photos sprawled on it. It looked as though they were a small organisation of conspiracy theorists, or perhaps wannabe detectives attempting to solve a crime. The photos were in black-and-white (as they could not afford coloured printer ink) and displayed a man who looked about their age- well, the age of the oldest in the group, Nikolai Gogol. Nikolai, despite being the oldest, was the most immature of them all, and had been set back around 2 years. He was failing everything he hadn't dropped out of- and suspensions were so frequent for him that Kunikida planned them ahead in his calendar, and predicted correctly every single time. In fact, Kunikida's planner held its very own section for the occasion- labelled "Nikolai's Antics" in very rushed, sad lettering.
Ranpo, on the other hand, had both of his hands on the table, the photos on there shielding them from a devastating splinter. He had a lollipop stick poking out of his lips, and his eyes shut in a nonchalant manner. It was a wonder to the others how he could even see the photos, as his lids hadn't opened once.
"You all do know about the famous legend, don't you?" he announced with an ominous tone heavily sprinkled with an attitude of superiority.
Kunikida sighed, he didn't get paid enough (at all) for this. He opened his notebook, the spine resting in one hand, and began to furiously write with the other. He had a death-grip on his fountain pen, which was scribbling at a lightning speed: "Do not give Ranpo fiction".
"Yes, Ranpo. That's why we're gathered here."
Chuuya sighed more aggressively, already sick of Ranpo's shit. He was the feisty one- the one capable of supervising Dazai or Ranpo but not without a few fractures or someone actively bleeding. As for Nikolai, he was unsupervisable. Chuuya mostly stayed by Dazai's side, but claimed to be "stuck with him" as if he didn't have a choice in the matter.
"Just get on with it." He spat, holding Dazai down as he attempted to snatch a photo.
Ranpo casually took one of his hands off of the table in order to temporarily take the lollipop out of his mouth, and stated as-a-matter-of-factly,
"This man is a dangerous vampire, rumoured to reside around... 3 hours from here." He popped his lollipop back into his mouth as if it was nothing, while simultaneously opening a bag of skittles.
Nikolai beamed, while cupping a dove in his hands that he had picked up out of his hat, "Marvellous! So, I assume we're going to hunt it doooown?"
He giggled wildly like a menace and continued to look at his dove, which cooed contently in his gloved palms. After a split-second, he had decided he'd gotten bored of it, and turned to Atsushi who was staring at it and sweating. Kunikida- having not put his pen down since- scribbled again into his notebook: "Do not let Nikolai around birds" with a furrowed brow and a frustrated gleam of his glasses.
"Of course not. That would be dangerous, and outright stupi-"
"Oh yes we will." Ranpo interrupted, to the displeasure of Kunikida.
His proposal was a death sentence, and incredibly foolish. Knowing the idiocy of everyone except for Kunikida and Ranpo, and the immaturity of everyone except for (again) Kunikida, they would need a miracle to even find this vampire, let alone kill it without being eaten alive.
Five "What?!" s bounced around the barren room in a cacophony of concern, the voices echoing off of the walls to add dramatic effect. Everyone looked stunned. Akutagawa had stopped scowling; Dazai had stopped stretching over the table; Chuuya had stopped holding him down; and-
CRACK!
Kunikida's pen had snapped clean in half.
He huffed, his expression as firm as steel.
"There's no way we'll survive the journey, not with these fools."
And then, as if right on cue, came the desperate and worried yelps of Atsushi and the startled squawks of the dove that flailed its wings in his hair- followed by the manic cackles of Nikolai as he watched the scene with immense joy. Kunikida was livid, and was practically red with rage, as he smacked Atsushi over the head with his notebook, causing the dove to fly away frantically. He then pointed one half of his formerly whole fountain pen at Nikolai, and threatened to stab him with it.
"Shut up, the pair of you. Atsushi, grow some balls and Nikolai- just stop."
Atsushi was rendered speechless, his panicked breaths immediately halting. Nikolai just let out a sound of pure derangement, and grinned from ear to ear.
"So," Ranpo continued casually, "Are we in or what?"
"Ranpo." Kunikida pushed up his glasses that were sliding down the bridge of his nose. "You are aware that this is the most ridiculous idea you have ever proposed."
Ranpo shrugged in response, "Maybe, but we have been pledging to encounter a vampire at least once. You know, for science."
"Letting Nikolai and Dazai dissect it is not science."
Dazai's faltering attention immediately locked in on Kunikida. "Dissection, you say?"
"Forget it." Kunikida hissed back, before Ranpo decided it appropriate to continue.
"Quite the contrary. Dissection is quite literally science." He stated, his demeanour as confident as ever, as if he had never been wrong in his entire life. "And... going out would be a pleasant group bonding experience!!"
Kunikida scoffed, Akutagawa scowled even more (nobody knew that was possible) and Chuuya looked furious.
Akutagawa gave the nastiest, evilest side-eye known to man to Ranpo. "I do not wish to... 'bond' with these people."
"I second that." Chuuya followed, "I'm not fond of your asses either. 'Specially not this bastard next to me."
His glare locked in on Dazai, who was quietly messing with the bandages snaked around his forearms.
Kunikida sighed, closing his eyes for a brief moment and praying to God that these people will grow up. He locked eyes with Ranpo, giving him a look that begged him to be trustworthy. "Fine... We'll do it, but everyone has a say on the matter."
Ranpo beamed, his smile radiating pure joy and sugar. "Yay! Okay, let's do a majority vote!"
Kunikida nodded, and announced to the rest of the group like a world leader:
"Everyone in favour of hunting down famous vampire Fyodor Dostoevsky raise your hand!"
Ranpo was the first to raise his, Dazai coming in at a close second. Then Nikolai... Then Kunikida... Then Atsushi, very hesitantly.
"Alright. That's five. Now..."
"Everyone in favour of staying here raise your hand!"
Akutagawa's hand shot into the air, followed by Chuuya.
"Two. Hunting the vampire down wins, it seems."
Kunikida, still assuming the role of leader, yelled with vigour:
"Everyone! We all plan this together! Ranpo, you're on locating it. Dazai! Chuuya! You're on weaponry! Akutagawa, Atsushi! You're on food! Nikolai! You're on... Sitting quietly! I'll manage you all, and write all of our planning down!"
"Go!"