Archive of Our Own ^beta

Evan Buckley’s life goes like this.

From the moment he was born he always knew there was something wrong with him. It was like it was written in his DNA. He wasn’t sure how he knew. He wasn’t sure if it was his parents barely looking at him or the way he just felt sad all the time. Either way he knew it.

At first his awareness of his brokenness was dormant. Then one day he fell off his bike and it felt right. All of the emotions he didn’t know how to express suddenly weren’t as overwhelming as it was before. The pain he felt inside, suddenly people could see it. His parents could see it. Could see him. From then off it wasn’t something he could turn off. 

He remembered how one time his friend Dylan in the fourth grade told him about a fight with his sister. He got grounded for a week because he told his sister he wished she had never been born. Edward laughed, saying he got grounded for saying the same thing last year. Apparently it was a common feeling. 

So the next time Evan gets into a fight with Maddie he waits for the thought to hit him. But it doesn’t. A different thought does. The thought that he wishes he was the one who’d never been born. Because he was the one who was ruining everything. He felt like he was intruding on everyone’s lives. He was born and here he was ruining the perfect family that existed before he was born. So he’d have to make it up to them.

Except the only way he knew how to do it was by getting hurt. He didn’t want to be hurt necessarily but it was the only time they felt like a family. Where his parents would look at him and see him. Where they could all sit at the dinner table and smile softly at each other's stories about their day.

But then Evan would be fine again and then he would be back alone. Especially after Maddie left. It would just be him and his thoughts. And they weren’t always good. He distantly wondered if it was normal to wonder if it was possible to murder yourself. It’s not like it was something he wanted to do. He was just curious if it was a thing.

And that’s basically how his childhood goes. And then he hits puberty. His body starts to change and people start to notice him. It feels good . He joins the football team and all of a sudden he has friends and girls who are interested in him. But the weird thing is, he doesn’t get it when all the other guys in the locker room start talking about sex and being horny. He quickly discovers that being a virgin is not cool and girls are pretty and that should be good enough for him. So he sleeps with Sarah. And then Alexa. Then Becca. And then he doesn’t really stop. It’s not like he needs sex but he likes it. He likes being close to someone. Being connected. So he doesn’t stop.

Evan distantly remembered thinking when he was a teenager that he never knew what normal was. All he knew was that he wasn’t normal, because he was broken. But despite the fact that Evan felt like that was written across his forehead he had to make sure nobody else saw it. Because nobody liked someone who wasn’t normal. So Evan tried his best to be normal. Was sleeping with a different girl every day for a week normal? Probably not, but it was better for Evan to be a slut or a whore than it was for him to be broken. Because a man who didn’t need sex had to be broken, right? And he partied every weekend and he got drunk at every party, because that’s what normal guys did. And he did dangerous things because he was stupid and immature and that was what dumb, normal guys did. It wasn’t because the only time he felt real was when he was hurt because he knew that wasn’t normal. So Evan put a patch of normalcy over his bleeding, broken heart.

But then he graduates high school and he goes to college but then he fails out because sometimes pretending to be normal all the time is exhausting okay? He can party and sleep with whoever he wants but he can never drop the act because he doesn’t even have his own room. And it took so much out of him to study and to focus on literally anything but he couldn’t devote enough energy to school because he was too busy devoting it all to being normal, because that was more important. 

Except he fails out of college and his parents move him back into their house and force him into community college. The only emotion they only show is anger and when that fades away all that’s left is indifference. And it’s suffocating. Being in a place where you’re not wanted. Where you can’t be free or be who you want to be because nobody fucking cares. So he fails out of community college too and takes his tuition money to buy himself a motorcycle. 

He remembered Maddie’s stories from the ER, about how bad motorcycle accidents were. He didn’t buy it because he wanted to get hurt. He bought it because everyone thought that he was some dumb, stupid, reckless jock. And if he couldn’t be who he was at least he could be who everyone else thought he was. And well, if he got hurt, hell if he died, would that really be a bad thing?

So he isn’t that surprised when he ends up in the ER shortly after getting a motorcycle. Because truly, it was part of his goal all along. But for some reason he found himself asking the paramedics in the back of his ambulance if they’ll take him to the hospital Maddie works at instead of the one that’s closer. It must be luck, or probably pity, that they agree. Because Evan needed Maddie. Because deep down he knew that even the pain wouldn’t be enough for his parents to see him this time.

So Maddie comes in and he sees the cast on her wrist and he lets her lie to him. He knows what it’s like to cling to normalcy. And who knows, maybe he was wrong about Doug anyways. But still, he tried to convince Maddie to come with him. The world was always less daunting with her by his side. She was the first person to love him unconditionally. To treat him like he mattered, like he’d be okay but if he wasn’t that was okay too. And here they were, finally so close to getting out together the way it was supposed to be.

But then Maddie doesn’t come with him. And Evan is angry enough that this time he decides to be the one that leaves. It feels like tearing his soul in two but he was already so broken anyways that did it really matter? And honestly, Maddie had probably come to the realization that she was better off without him, which he couldn’t blame her for. He was right, he mused, when he had always felt like an intrusion on everyone’s lives.

At least he has the jeep. He doesn’t quite know what to do when faced with the fact that there were no longer any expectations. No one he had to be ‘normal’ for. No one he had to hide from. He could just exist . For a while that was enough, but after a while Evan was a little tired of feeling so lost. So he quits his bartending job and heads to LA with people he just met the week before and he sees an ad about the Navy SEALs and signs up. Because he cares about others. Deep down there are two reasons he signed up. The first was that he couldn’t save Maddie. He wasn’t even sure if she needed saving, but he was pushed so far away he couldn’t even try if she needed him too. The second, was well, pain was the only consistent thing in his life.

Scratch that. Evan quit the SEALs because the real most consistent thing in his life was his bleeding heart. It’s inability to be normal, his inability to not care. Hell, it’s the reason he turned to pain in the first place. He thinks about joining the police academy, but Evan didn’t like hurting others, even if it was to protect someone else. He liked to be the one doing the hurting. He also liked stopping others from hurting. So he signed up for the Los Angeles Fire Academy.

It’s an adjustment for sure. It’s grueling work, and he’s exhausted half the time, but it’s the first time in his life he actually feels somewhat fulfilled. There’s two other Evans and well he never really liked Evan anyways, the name or the person, so when his instructor ever asks if anyone has a nickname he raises his hand and just like that Buck was born. And he couldn’t help but maybe think Buck is who he was supposed to be all along.

–

He graduated the academy with flying colors and got his orders to report to Captain Nash at the 118 as a probationary firefighter of the LAFD. And Buck walks up those stairs on the first day and he knows that’s where he’s supposed to be. But he once again overcorrects a little. He doesn’t know what normal is, and all of a sudden people are wanting to be close to him, and nobody cares what Buck does so he can just do whatever he wants right? Wrong. Very wrong, he learned when he stole a firetruck for sex he didn’t need just so he could feel wanted and ended up fired. But then he steals a firetruck again this time to save a child, and he almost thinks that this is better. He may not always be wanted, but as a firefighter? He could be needed . And that was better than being wanted, because wants change like the wind but needs are irrefutable. He made himself irrefutable by being needed.

Then Devon dies. And Buck was needed but he wasn’t enough to do what he was needed for. So then what was the point? He was starting to feel the darkness creep in again, and he was going to let it. But then Bobby refers him to a therapist and well, maybe he didn’t have to. Because he was starting to get closer to Bobby, Hen, and Chim in a way he had only been close with one person before and that was Maddie. He didn’t dare say it out loud, but it felt almost like a family.  So he decides to give therapy a shot because maybe if he finally had people who cared about him he could finally care about himself. And maybe he didn’t want to be sad and for his heart to be bleeding the entire time. Maybe he wanted to be normal. But leaving the therapy session, Buck didn’t feel normal. He felt wrong. And maybe he wasn’t a sex addict, because he didn’t think he wanted to do that again. In fact, he wasn’t sure he wanted to do it all.

And then Chim gets rebar through his forehead and a plane crashes and Bobby relapses and they all take care of each other. And then Abby calls him. And Buck thinks for a minute, that maybe, everything will finally be right in the world. He has a job he loves, he has meaningful relationships with his team, and he falls in love. It was scary how easy it was for Buck to fall in love. It was like Abby was the first person to be gentle and kind towards him and he was a goner. He pours his all into being the perfect boyfriend, friend, firefighter. And he thinks for a little bit he was succeeding. But then Abby’s mom died and Abby left for Europe without so much of a second glance and well. Buck felt alone all over again in a way he hadn’t for a long time. The familiar voice in his head that sounded like a mix of Evan and his parents whispered he wasn’t good enough, and Buck wasn’t sure he had the strength to not believe it.

And then he meets Eddie Diaz. He never really put much thought into the universe, but he always had a feeling it hated him, and he was sure in that moment when he first met Eddie it was true. Because he had just lost Abby, and here was Eddie coming to take the 118, which was the only thing he had left. So he’s a little bit of a dick. He’s pouty and mean and then there’s a live grenade in someone’s leg. So he climbs into the back of an ambulance, partly because he doesn’t want Diaz to get all the credit and partly because it’s been a long time since he had the itch under his skin of doing everyone else a favor and fucking off into the afterlife.

But then, by a miracle, he lives. And so does Eddie. Eddie, who is extending a hand to Buck and telling him that he could have his back any day. Almost like Eddie wanted him to. So Buck shakes off the darkness once again and basks in the light of Eddie Diaz who had seen the worst side of Buck and wanted him around. And the 118, who had seen that Eddie was better than Buck in every single way and could easily replace him with Eddie, yet they still seem to want him too. So he goes home and the shower is on and he’s happy because maybe he was wrong about not being wanted, because Abby was back. But it isn't Abby. It’s Maddie.

His older sister, who raised him. Who loved him. Who left him, there in his girlfriend’s apartment. Abby hadn’t come back for him, but Maddie had. Except she was planning on leaving again. Because of Doug. Buck had failed to save her from once, and he’d be damned if he let that happen again. So he convinces her to stay, for a little bit at least. Because deep down, Buck is still Evan and Evan’s favorite person in the entire world would always be his sister. So he gets her a job at dispatch and slowly the darkness slips away into the shadows. Eddie introduces Buck to Chris and it’s like the sun is shining through the hole in his heart instead of darkness. He introduces Eddie to Carla and feels needed again. He introduces Maddie to Chimney and thinks that maybe things will actually be okay. That he can let himself not only be okay, but be happy. 

Then of course Doug Kendall has to come and ruin everything. Buck was supposed to keep her safe. He had failed her once and he had failed her again and all Buck ever did was fail and his sister was in the hands of her abuser and his best friend was fighting for his life in the hospital bed. He has to at least try to save her again this time, so he steals Chim’s phone and ends up in hospital jail. He just wanted to help. He wanted to be needed. He wanted his sister. Luckily, Athena must have a soft spot for him and takes him along with her to find Maddie. And god, he is so grateful when he finds her. She never gave up and he would never give up on her. They would fight for each other. They would live for each other too.

And finally Buck feels like he can breathe again. Then suddenly Bobby is suspended and Eddie’s wife dies and Buck feels a little lost again. Because he’s supposed to be helping people yet these are things he can’t fix. It’s the one thing he’s supposed to be good for and the first thing he fails at. So he babysits Christopher while Eddie cries and helps Bobby research things for the wedding because he can’t make things right but at least he can be there.

Then a ladder truck explodes under him and lands right on top of his leg. 

Buck doesn’t fully remember it at first when he wakes up. He just remembers waking up and thinking this wasn’t the comforting bite of pain he had always known. This was agony under his skin that bled into his mind. He was in pain and broken and he couldn’t escape it because he didn’t have anything else. All he had was pain and the darkness he couldn’t stop from creeping back in. But for once in his life Buck didn’t want to give up. He had gotten a taste of everything he ever wanted and he’d be damned if he let it slip through his fingers. So he works his ass off and sets new records and passes his recertification test with flying colors. He fought his way back to his family and it worked.

Or at least it worked until he started choking on his own blood in Bobby and Athena’s backyard. And then he was being told he couldn’t come back to his family. To his purpose. To his lifeline. Because he was a liability. It was like they had all finally saw him. Saw through Buck down to the core of Evan, who would never be good enough because he was too goddamn broken. So he quits and goes back to living in the darkness. Until Eddie Diaz walks in sunshine held in his hand and gives him his son, gives him a new lifeline. So they go to the pier because it was either that or a movie and Buck was sick of the dark. Christopher was with him and Christopher was sunshine and Buck wanted to bask in it physically and metaphorically. 

Then the water disappears and so does Christopher. 

Buck had him. He was right there and then he was gone. Buck was used to failure. He was used to not being enough. But this? This was the cruelest punishment of all. Buck was used to thinking he deserved the bad things that happened to him. But this? This was so bad even Buck questioned if he really deserved it. But he keeps going because he has to because it’s Christopher and they’re telling him to check the black tent and Eddie’s there- and Eddie’s there. And Buck has to tell him how he failed and ruined everything that mattered to them both.

And then by some miracle Christopher is okay. Buck doesn’t care if he isn’t, doesn’t care that he’s been bleeding for hours on blood thinners, because Christopher is the only thing that matters. Buck is glad to know that before he loses Chris in a different way, because no way in hell would he ever be trusted with him again. Except Eddie knocks on his door two days later with Chris in tow and gives his trust to Buck so easily despite how blatant it is that Buck doesn’t deserve it. Yet here Eddie is telling him there’s no one he trusts more with his son and Buck is so confused and undeserving yet here Eddie is anyways, not just needing Buck, but wanting him too. So Buck becomes a fire marshall because maybe he can have the things he wants even without being a firefighter. 

Except they covered his locker and he has dinner with Bobby and everything is so much worse. Because aside from Maddie, Bobby was the first person to ever believe in him. Hell, he was the first person to believe in Buck. In the version of himself that he built from the ground up in hopes of being some semblance of a good person. Yet he had failed. And he had disappointed everyone.

And everything was being taken from him for no reason except for the fact that he would never be good enough. Except there was a time he had been good enough. He just had to get back to it. So he files a lawsuit.

–

Buck didn’t even really know why he did it. He was desperate. He was betrayed. He was hurt. He was angry. Yet standing in the grocery store those reasons didn’t seem good enough. He didn’t want to hurt anyone. He just wanted them to see his side of things. He wanted them to want him back. Not just as a firefighter, but as a person. But why would they? Because they saw through Buck with x-ray vision and saw all the brokenness he tried so damn hard to hide. But Buck was stubborn enough to try to force them to see him the way he needed them to. Like he was good. Instead he just fucked things up more.

Eddie had said he was exhausting. And he was right. Buck was exhausted of himself. He can’t blame anyone else for feeling the exact same thing he’s felt since the day he was born. But the weight of his existence was one he was always supposed to carry himself. Yet he got too comfortable. He forgot that no matter how hard he tried there was no Buck without Evan. And Evan would always be broken and damaged and heavy and exhausting. So he drops the lawsuit because he never wanted money. He just wanted to go back home. Because the 118 was a home, no matter what. But it wasn’t for him anymore. He had set fire to his life once again except this time he was too late to put out the flames. 

Seven days. He was going to try for seven days to make amends. Not because he deserved it, but because they did. They deserved to have closure and to be at peace. But if at the end of the week nothing had changed Buck would get the hint. He would go away for good this time and let them all get the peace and quiet they deserved. And at least Buck would also get a reprieve from himself. Or he would get pain. Either way, he would get what he wanted.

Each day Buck would make an attempt to make amends. And when he’d get home he’d mark another thing off the list to get his affairs in order. On day seven he had tried to reach out to Eddie one last time. He was ignored, so instead he started writing letters. Mainly to absolve them of the guilt they would feel, not because of Buck, but because they were all good people. As he sealed the last letter, his phone buzzed. Bobby had asked him to meet everyone at a rage room in an hour. Buck was torn, he had already come to terms with what needed to be done. But he at least owed it to the others to try. And if it didn’t work, at least everything was already prepared.

By some miracle, it did work. It took patience and a hell of a lot of groveling, but somehow Buck was lucky enough to get back everything he had carelessly thrown away. And life seemed almost normal once again. His thoughts of darkness had receded and the letters were shoved in the bottom of a drawer and he actually let himself smile and be happy. He let himself live.

But then thirty feet of mud collapsed and so did his heart. Buck had never been more terrified in his life. He would dig to the center of the universe if it meant saving Eddie. But he couldn’t no matter how hard he tried. As he was standing around waiting for everyone to figure out a plan, he couldn’t help but feel like it was his fault. He should’ve volunteered before Eddie. He should’ve insisted it was him to go down. There was even another reason, deep down, that it was his fault simply because he existed. Maybe this was the universe’s payback for everything he had done. It would’ve been too easy for him to die. Instead they would just take everything from him, because what right did he have to joy and goodness and laughter and love? Then all of a sudden Eddie is there alive and breathing and all Buck wants to leave before he can ruin him anymore, but he’s selfish so he stays so that Eddie will be safe. Because he’ll never let Eddie go down a well again. Or do anything to put himself at risk. That was what Buck was for. Because he was the only one who was expendable. So he stays out of purpose and duty, and he tries to not let himself want it. And just like everything he fails.

He lets life settle again. Lets his guard lower. Eddie’s okay, everything’s okay, and things are almost even teetering away from okay to good. With one alarm bell things quickly teeter in the opposite direction, much like the train car and Buck’s sanity. Because not only is it a mass casualty event filled with people he never even got the chance to save, Abby is there. Abby, who loved him enough to keep but not to stay, begging him to save the person who was good enough for him. And well, that was his job. So he does everything he can to save Sam because clearly he’s better than Buck so even if Buck dies saving him the better of the two of them will at least still be alive. Somehow, they both manage to survive and he finally lets Abby go, because she had the right to move on and a small part of Buck thought he did too. 

All of a sudden the world ends. A fucking pandemic. Things get really bad. Eddie, Hen, and Chim move in with him and he loves them all but they’re all missing someone else and Buck has no one and isn’t enough to fill in the gaps. He’s also not enough to save the millions of people dying left and right. They don’t go a single shift without losing someone anymore. Buck thinks he’s losing himself a little. But slowly, things start to get better. But Buck’s still losing himself. Then Buck can’t help but feel like he was always a little lost. And everything is getting better and he’s getting worse even though he has no reason to. And selfishly, Buck wants to be better.

So he starts seeing Dr. Copeland. It’s brutal. And hard. But slowly the weight he’s been carrying for almost three decades gets a little easier. Life gets easier. That is, until his parents come to town. 

–

He knew no matter how much therapy he did, seeing his parents would be a shitshow. But he does partially blame therapy for just how bad that dinner goes. Because for so many years, he thought he deserved the way he was treated. He thought he deserved all the pain and suffering and lack of love. He thought there was something within him that made him unlovable, so it wasn’t his parents fault. But slowly with therapy and a lot of time he was starting to develop the notion that maybe, just maybe, it wasn’t all his fault. So instead of feeling guilty, Buck felt angry . Because he finally had enough self worth to think that he didn’t deserve the way he was treated and that his parents should’ve loved him anyway. So he yells that at them. Maybe not his finest moment, but whatever. 

Buck shouldn’t have trusted the universe. It had its special kind of cruelty. He had just started to find even a semblance of self worth and the universe decided to push him off the cliff with a photo of a little boy on a bike.

Suddenly everything made sense. He really was born broken. And knowing that, was worse than anything Buck had ever imagined. He wasn’t just broken, he broke everyone else around him. He killed Daniel, destroyed his family, and ruined everything before he was even a year old. He was always right when he felt like he was intruding on someone else’s life simply by existing. Because he was. He was intruding on Daniel’s life. He lived his life in the shadow of the brother he wasn’t enough to save. His one purpose in life was to save his brother. His first failure, the most devastating of all.

So he pretends he’s fine because it was his brokenness that killed his brother in the first place and he’d be damned if he let another person die because of it. Yet he shouldn’t have even tried because suddenly he was in a hand sanitizer factory and he wasn’t going to be strong enough to save Saleh. Another person Buck had failed. And maybe Daniel died alone, but Buck wasn’t going to let Saleh. Maybe part of it was selfish or maybe it was finally Buck’s penance. Either way he didn’t really care. He would die trying, because he had given up on himself, but he would never give up on trying to save Saleh. But deep down Buck knew he’d never be enough. 

Then, he wasn’t alone. The weight was getting easier to lift, easier to carry because of those around him. Because of his team, who came back for him. Who fought for him. Who walked through literal fire for him. He didn’t deserve any of it. But maybe he had earned it. Because he spent his life walking through fire for people who never even wanted him in the first place. Who wanted him only for one thing and tossed him aside when he failed. But the 118? He didn’t just walk through fire willingly for them. He walked through fire beside them. And they walked beside him. 

So despite everything Buck knew being shattered he finally starts to patch up the cracks. He not only goes to therapy, but so do his parents. They work on themselves, and their relationship, which is more than Buck ever thought would happen. And when Chris gets into a fight with Eddie, Buck is the one he runs to. So even though his best friend has a girlfriend, at least he has Chris. And that’s good enough for Buck, even if he wishes for more. And his perfect little niece is born and slowly the world is righting itself once again. 

Standing in the street with his best friend’s blood on his face, Buck learns once again the world only ever feels right before it shatters.

–

Eddie Diaz is dying in a hospital bed and Evan Buckley is dying because of it. It should be Buck in that hospital bed. Everyone is in so much pain because Buck failed again. How many times would Buck hurt someone with his failure? It was different when he was the only one who had to bear the weight of them. But having to tell a nine year old that his father was shot made him acutely aware of just how much his mistakes hurt everyone around him. 

So he climbs a crane. Because he’d be damned if he ever let anyone else get shot when it should’ve been him in the first place. At least if he got shot climbing the crane then at least he’d know the pain he caused Eddie. It would be his penance. He would die for Eddie, he knew that like he knew breathing. He would die for anyone, honestly. But especially Eddie. So if Eddie does die, it would be fitting if Buck died the same way. Unable to save the one person that mattered and unwilling to save himself.

Then Eddie wakes up and it’s a fucking miracle. Buck vows to a God he doesn’t believe in that he’ll do anything to keep Eddie safe. There’s no line he wouldn’t cross for Eddie. He doesn’t deserve Eddie and Eddie doesn’t deserve pain but Buck does so he’ll spend the rest of his life trying to take Eddie’s. Then Eddie is sitting on the edge of a hospital bed saying that if he died Christopher would be placed in his care. Buck is quite frankly, floored. Because if Eddie is dead then Buck had failed him. And if he had failed Eddie he would fail Christopher. And that was the most inexcusable crime and Buck had committed a lot of them. And here was Eddie, giving over the most important thing in his life. And telling Buck- no Evan - that he wasn’t expendable. But that’s quite literally all Buck was. He was born as expendable parts for his brother and was expendable for the world, yet Eddie Diaz who was the best person he knew, was saying he wasn’t. And well, Buck and Evan both didn’t know what to do with that.

So instead he does what he does know how to do: fix things. He helps Eddie and helps Chris and takes extra shifts and does everything he possibly can. So what if he can’t close his eyes without seeing his best friend’s blood? It’s fine. He’s fine. Eddie is fine. It happened to him anyways, not Buck. And everyone and everything was fine because Buck was fixing things. 

Except Maddie leaves. And Chim punches him in the face and he leaves too. And Buck failed once again. He couldn’t fix his sister. He didn’t even know she needed fixing and she was gone because he had failed to see how much pain she was in again. He couldn’t save her from Doug and he couldn’t save her from herself. Maybe it was a good thing she left, because all Buck did was fail. So maybe she really was better off without him. Maybe everyone is. 

But before Buck can leave, Eddie does. Eddie leaves the 118. Because he isn’t safe there. Because Buck doesn’t do enough of a good job protecting him. Both Eddie and Christopher realized that. It was yet another way that Buck had failed. Everyone knew that and everyone was leaving because of it. Because he wasn’t enough. Because he was a failure. He would leave everyone if he could. Fuck, he wanted to. He still knew exactly where the letters were hidden. But he couldn’t pull them out, because he couldn’t leave Bobby and Hen alone. He couldn’t leave Christopher.

Christopher, who calls him one night, scared out of his mind because of his father. Buck speeds over to the Diaz house scared out of his mind too. Because he was the one who was supposed to leave. Eddie was supposed to be safe away from Buck. Yet he was still crumbling and Buck failed to stop it. But Buck would be there to pick up the pieces so he slams his shoulder into Eddie’s door and Eddie is alive and Buck can breathe again. But Eddie isn’t okay so Buck tries to fix things once again, knowing it’s a little outside of his scope. Because both Eddie and Maddie have to fix themselves this time, Buck can’t do it for them. He can only bite his nails anxiously and hold his own problems in. 

With time, Maddie and Eddie both come back to him. They’re both better for it too. What Buck can’t understand is why they would come back in the first place. At least to him specifically. Because they were right to leave. Buck didn’t notice them drowning and by the time he did notice he couldn’t save them. Hell, he could barely save himself. Buck was used to people leaving. He wasn’t used to them coming back. But he tells himself they didn’t come back for him. He tries to ease the urge to leave under his skin because everyone’s back and he’s fine. Even working his way to good.

He’s entertaining the idea of people coming back and actually staying when Connor asks him to lunch so he easily agrees. Then they’re asking him to be a sperm donor. And well. Buck had always dreamed of becoming a father. He loved kids. It was part of who he was. But could he really be trusted to raise a kid? Wouldn’t he just fail them like he fails everyone else in his life? At least this way he can help Connor, who wants to be a father and who will be a good one. Buck was born for parts, shouldn’t he put them to use? So he agrees and pushes down the darkness creeping into his head and gives his sperm in a cup to a nurse to be put into his ex-roommate’s wife. And life moves on like it always does and Buck tries his best not to get stuck in the darkness once again.

Then lightning strikes.

–

Buck wasn’t entirely sure how he ended up in this alternate reality. He figured he was in a coma. It was the only thing that made the most sense, but he had no idea how he got there. Or why his subconscious put him in a world where his dead brother lived. Well, scratch that. If Buck had to guess he knew exactly why Daniel was there.

If Daniel was alive, Buck wasn’t a failure. If Daniel was alive, Buck was good enough. If Daniel was alive, Buck wasn’t broken. And well, that’s all he ever wanted since he was seven years old wondering what was so wrong with him that his parents couldn’t even look at him. But wherever Buck was right now, his parents were looking at him. So why did it all feel so wrong?

The answer was simple. It was Bobby and Eddie. The two people who saved him time and time again, the first people who made him feel wanted and loved, were gone. What Buck had trouble wrapping his head around was that the reason they were gone wasn’t because of him like he always thought it would be. Because if anything happened to Bobby and Eddie it was going to be because of Buck. Because he had failed. So for them to be gone because Buck wasn’t there? That was unimaginable. Except he was quite literally imagining it but whatever. Not the point.

The point was Buck was needed. Buck had failed everyone in his life ten times over. He was accustomed to the belief that everyone he knew would be better off if he never existed. Yet maybe, maybe that wasn’t the truth. Maybe, Buck was enough. He’s not perfect and he’s still very much broken, but maybe that wasn’t all he was. Maybe he was good. Maybe he was kind. Maybe he was loved. And maybe that was enough.

Buck had always thought if he was given the choice between life and death he would choose death. He thought he would be doing everyone else a favor. He was a broken failure who only ever hurt people. Everyone would be better off without him. Except, Buck was wrong. People did need him. They needed him the way he was, as Buck. They didn’t need Evan or some perfect version of himself that didn’t exist. They needed Buck.

So Buck says no to the darkness. He says no to the perfect world that really isn’t perfect because Evan isn’t Buck. He says no to death.

Evan Buckley chose to live. 

–

A part of Buck thought that all of his problems would be fixed when he woke up. He had chosen this. This was his choice. It was what he wanted. He chose life. He was enough the way he was. He was loved and needed and hell even wanted.

Evan Buckley had chosen to live.

So then why did he still want nothing except to die?

–

It goes like this. 

There’s not much for Buck to recover from physically, but still he has to wait three weeks before Bobby will let him come back to work. 

The first week is back to back visitors until he ends up passed out on Eddie’s couch because he was sick of the babysitters and sudoku. The second week everyone slowly starts to trust Buck with himself again. Which they should, because truly, Buck was fine. People still come by when they’re off work and Buck spends half his time at the Diaz’s. And in those moments, he feels secure in his decision to stay alive. It’s the in between moments that are the hardest. When everyone is on shift and Buck is alone with nothing to do. His phone sits next to him silent and empty and he sits alone in his empty apartment and he’s so lonely that when darkness comes knocking on his door he has to let it in. 

When Buck had first started seeing Dr. Copeland, it took four sessions before she originally diagnosed Buck with depression. Part of Buck was surprised, part of him wasn’t. He knew, distantly, that he did. Hating yourself, wanting to die, was quite literally the textbook definition of depression. But Buck genuinely was happy a lot of the time. It’s just during the moments where he wasn’t actively being happy, he got really fucking sad.

Dr. Copeland had told him that depression is like the ocean (or a tsunami) trying to drown you. Sometimes the water is calm and safe. You don’t even notice the waves of darkness crashing onto you. And slowly over time, the water rises. Before you notice it you’re drowning. And by then swimming just wastes your breath even more. Then, there are the times where depression is a tsunami. Inescapable waves of self hatred wash over him until his soul is submerged in it. Either way, it’s impossible to swim to shore without help. Or at least that’s what Dr. Copeland tried to make him believe. And honestly he was starting to until his best friend’s blood was on his face and the tsunami of darkness was never ending. But it wasn’t Buck that needed help, it was Eddie, so Buck quits therapy because he doesn’t need help.

Well, he does need help. He just doesn’t want it. Because what he wants is to die.

Except the annoying part of it all, is he chose to live. He was needed . So Buck could never kill himself no matter how loud the waves screamed it at him. He had made his choice, so he had to live. But Buck knew if faced with the choice between life and death again, he wouldn’t make the same mistake twice. So he does what any rational, totally not depressed, normal person does. He can’t be suicidal, but he can be reckless. And as a firefighter, the line blurs very easily but he doesn’t care. If he could survive getting struck by lightning, he could survive anything right? Or at least that’s what Buck was wanting people to think his mindset was. Anything else and the light would be shined into the shadows he lived in. 

So when after three weeks Buck returns to work, he does so with a vow. A vow that he would get it right this time. A vow that he would fix his mistake and make the right one. 

–

It’s when he’s back at work for two months when he finally gets trusted enough to do the dangerous jobs. Everyone was treating him like glass, like they were waiting for him to break. Don’t you see, Buck wanted to scream, that’s the whole point of all of this! But he can’t so he bides his time and lets everyone think the darkness that hangs over him is because he died and didn’t want to. Not because he lived and  didn’t want to.

Ironically, it’s during another rainstorm when he gets his first chance. There’s a house fire and an unaccounted child on the second floor. Eddie is needed to triage with Hen because Chim is sick, so Bobby has no choice but to send Buck.

“Listen, Buck,” Bobby says as Buck gears up, “the structure of the building is compromised. You have time to do one sweep, if that. When I give you the evacuation order, that’s that alright? Today’s not the day to be a hero.”

“Got it, Cap,” Buck easily agrees, knowing the only way he’s leaving that house is with a living child in his arms.

Buck quickly runs into the house, eager to find Alex. He climbs the stairs quickly, ignoring the way they sway and groan under his weight. He makes it to the second floor and looks around, screaming Alex’s name. 

“Buck, that house isn’t gonna last much longer, you gotta get out,” Bobby calls out over the radio. 

Buck doesn’t even bother responding instead hearing muffled coughing coming from a closet to his left. 

“Alex, if you can hear me, I need you to get as far back in the closet as you can. I'm coming in,” he warns the young boy, ignoring the way his team is screaming at him to get out over the radio. 

He slams his shoulder into the door, breaking it open quickly. He easily spots Alex with a blanket over his face as he coughs, eyes wide and scared. 

“Hey buddy, I’m Buck and I’m gonna get you out of here okay?” he says gently as he reaches out and grabs the young boy before going back towards the stairs. 

Or well, where the stairs were, but were now completely engulfed in flames.

“I have Alex, but the stairs are compromised. Any chance someone can meet me at a window?” he calls into his radio for the first time since the evacuation order he ignored.

“Way ahead of you,” Eddie responds, not from the radio but from a window at the end of the hallway. 

Buck can’t fight the grin that breaks out as he makes his way to the window. 

“Glad to know your radio works,” Eddie deadpans as he takes the young boy from him.

Buck rolled his eyes, about to make a snarky reply back when all of a sudden the house groaned. Eddie looked up at horror to Buck. Eddie was halfway down the ladder with Alex, and by the time he got down the rest of the way and back up the floor would’ve already collapsed beneath Buck. They both knew that. 

Buck backs away from the window before sprinting and jumping out of it, hands barely reaching the ladder. Buck was slightly annoyed at himself. He shouldn’t have jumped, but survival instincts took over. With a groan Buck tried to pull himself up so he was no longer hanging off the ladder, but his gear was too heavy. 

“Hey, estúpido, don’t try to pull yourself up. We’re blowing up the crash pad below you right now. Just hang on for another minute,” Eddie says as he grabs Buck’s arms just in case Buck slipped before the crash pad was fully inflated. 

“Estúpido? Really?” Buck complains.

“Yes. Enjoy the fall,” Eddie says with a smirk before shoving Buck off the ladder to fall onto the pad with a yelp.

“Not funny, Eddie!” Buck screams from where he’s laying on the crash pad before rolling off it with a groan and seeing Bobby’s Very Displeased face.

“Actually, Buckley, you want to know what’s not funny? Disobeying direct orders. Ignoring call outs over the radio. Putting your life and the lives of your teammates at risk,” Bobby says as he crosses his arms over his chest.

“I’m sorry, Cap,” Buck says, trying his best to act ashamed and embarrassed. “It was a kid.”

Bobby sighed before pulling Buck into a hug. “I know. And that’s the only reason you’re getting written up instead of a suspension.” Pulling away he points his finger at Buck, “But next time you will be getting suspended so don’t even think of trying that again, got it?”

“Yes sir,” Buck nods solemnly. It’s a downright lie, but hopefully the next time Buck won’t be alive to suffer the consequences. 

–

Bobby had told Buck to not even try to think of doing any stunts again. That was the thing about Buck though, he didn’t even think before he did a lot of reckless shit. Because it was instinct to him. 

It was instinct for him to not think about his own safety. To put his life at risk, especially if it meant sparing someone else. He didn’t have any self preservation instincts, because he didn’t need any. It’s like his body knew how badly he wanted to die. 

Or at least that’s what he thinks next time he’s almost engulfed in the flames.

It was another factory fire. Buck couldn’t help but think that maybe this was history fixing its mistake of letting him live. The universe telling him that he should’ve died in a hand sanitizer factory after he almost failed to save someone else, just like the brother he had just learned he failed. 

It had been a good day too before the call. It was Pasta Thursday and they even got the chance to sit down and eat together, like a family. Eddie at his side stealing food off his plate and Chim throwing a roll at Buck and Hen calling him Buckaroo and Bobby rolling his eyes in the fondest way possible. He made breakfast for Eddie and Chris before their shift. Even Jee and Maddie dropped by the station for a surprise visit. It was like the universe knew it would be the last day Evan Buckley was on this planet. 

The call started out normal, like they always do. Him and Eddie were on the roof doing ventilation, not even needing to go into the building to look for anyone because it was empty at this time of night. So they did their routine. Until the ground swayed. The roof was becoming unstable, but the sway caused Eddie to lose his balance slightly. It sent him stumbling towards one of the holes in the roof so Buck acted quickly. He grabbed Eddie and turned so the momentum would put Buck as the one falling, not Eddie. Never Eddie. It could never be Eddie. 

Except before he could fall, Eddie yanked his shoulder nearly out of its socket. He was nearly in the hole himself and Buck knew instantly that Eddie wouldn’t be able to pull him up. If he tried then he’d get pulled in too. And well, it could never be Eddie. 

“I’m sorry,” Buck says and gives himself one last second to just look at Eddie before he lets go and falls into the flames. Because Evan Buckley is going to die, but the universe was apparently kind enough to let the last thing he sees be Eddie.

It was symbolic, Buck thought as he let go of Eddie’s hands. He never understood Devon before. Never understood how he just let go, even when he had a chance to be saved. But now he understood it. Evan Buckley was struck by lightning and woke up from a coma because he chose to live. Because he was so focused on being needed and having to save everyone. But Eddie needed saving, and if that meant Buck died, then Buck would get the two things he’s always wanted. For Eddie to be safe, and for Buck to be dead.

–

Except based on the beeping Buck could faintly hear, he failed. Again. He chose death. He tried to fix his mistake. It didn’t even work.

Slowly his other senses come back to his body. His body aches everywhere, but he’s definitely on some sort of pain medication. He slowly opens his eyes and it almost feels like the hardest thing he’s ever done. He blinks once, and sees Eddie gripping his hand. Distantly he tries to squeeze back, but he blinks once more and sleep pulls him under once again.

–

The next time Buck wakes it’s to the sound of the heart monitor, and the sound of rosary beads. His eyes open a little easier this time around and he instantly spots Bobby. He tries to say Bobby’s name, but all that comes out is a grunt but it gets Bobby’s attention all the same.

“Hey, hey, it’s okay, easy kid,” Bobby soothes as he brings a cup and straw to Buck’s lips.

It helps, but not much. So all Buck is able to rasp out is a, “H’w?”

Bobby sighs and closes his eyes before he sits down again. Buck didn’t have to say the full sentence for him to know what he meant.

How did I survive? 

“The good and the bad news is that the floor had been collapsed where you fell. So you fell down three stories where Chim and Ravi were working to contain the fire on that level. Your gear helped protect your back in the fall but you still didn’t come out completely unscathed. Some mild burns pretty much everywhere, your shoulder dislocated, a few broken ribs that led to a collapsed lung, and a mild concussion. God kid, you should’ve died. There is no way you should’ve survived that, but we’re all just so thankful you did.”

Buck just nodded. He wasn’t thankful. Bobby was right, Buck should’ve died. But he couldn’t even manage that. 

“Did the doctors say how long they’re keeping me here?”

Bobby rolled his eyes, exasperated and fond. “Probably a few days kiddo. They want to make sure your lung isn’t at risk of collapsing again especially with your ribs. Even after you get released though this recovery is going to be a little different than your others. They said you’re going to be in a lot of pain for a while and that it’s going to take longer because your lung will take a while to be at full capacity which is going to slow down the rest of your body healing.”

“Guess that means no work for the next couple weeks?”

“More like the next couple months, Buck,” Bobby says sympathetically. “I’ll go grab the doctor for you so you can hear everything firsthand.”

The last thing Buck needed was to be alone and alive for the next couple of months with only his thoughts to occupy him. It would destroy him. He would destroy him. But Buck couldn’t let anyone know that so when the doctor walked in with Bobby he put on his best acting face and pretended to be grateful to be alive.

–

His hospital stay is pretty much the same from then on. Doctors and nurses coming in to run one test or another. Struggling to breathe. The team coming in teary and grateful. Buck being teary and pretending to be grateful. Sleeping. Being alone with his thoughts. Being in pain, physical and otherwise.

The only abnormal thing about his hospital stay was the lack of Eddie. Buck almost began wondering if he dreamt of him being there when he first woke up. Buck even got so worried he asked Bobby if Eddie was okay or if he was hurt and they were hiding it from Buck during his recovery. He was assured that Eddie was just fine, he just needed some space.

Buck didn’t blame him. He wanted space from himself too. But part of him couldn’t help but panic at the fact that he had pushed away the one person who made him feel a flicker of light in the darkness he liked to live in. But that would be okay. At least it would make it easier on Eddie the next (and hopefully last) time. 

So Buck is very surprised when he signs his discharge papers and when the nurse asks who he’ll be going home with Bobby says Eddie, who’s just parking the car. 

Instantly Buck snaps his head to Bobby. “I thought he needed space,” he says nervously.

“He did. Now he needs you in his sights. Plus it makes the most sense. He’s taking two weeks off because he has a bunch of PTO saved and Christopher is still at camp.”

“He really shouldn’t use up all his PTO on me,” Buck insists.

“Still trying to make decisions for me?” Eddie quips from the doorway.  “Too bad though, the requests already went through, hasn’t it Bobby?”

“Yes it has.”

“Honestly, guys, I’m fine. You can just drop me off at my apartment to lick my wounds in peace and I’ll be all good.”

Based on Eddie’s glare, it was the wrong thing to say. “Don’t. You’re coming home with me end of story,” he says cooly before leaving the room. 

Buck shoots Bobby a panicked look. “Will you at least help me stand if you’re not going to save me from Eddie’s wrath?”

“He’s not angry, Buck. He’s scared. Let him take care of you. It’ll be good for the both of you.” 

“He legit just left me in the dust, Cap,” Buck groans.

“I didn’t leave you in the dust. I was getting your ride,” Eddie says as he enters the room once again, this time with a wheelchair.

Buck first glares at Eddie. Then at the wheelchair. Then at Bobby, who just smiles and nods his head towards the chair. 

Buck sighed. It was going to be a long recovery.

–

Eddie didn’t say a word to Buck the entire ride home and for once Buck didn’t either. He knew any conversation with Eddie would likely end up in a fight and he simply did not have the energy for it. Who knew falling three stories through a burning building would hurt so much.

Despite it being mid morning still, Buck was ready for a nap. Eddie, who knew Buck like the back of his hand immediately clocked it.

“I’ll get started on some lunch while you nap,” Eddie said, slightly breaking the tension between them.

Buck simply just nodded and made his way towards the couch.

“Where do you think you’re going?”

“Um,” Buck said, feeling like he was walking into a trap, “the couch?”

“I just told you to take a nap.”

“Yeah. And I sleep on the couch.”

Eddie rolled his eyes. “You seriously think with a dislocated shoulder, broken ribs, and collapsed lungs that you’re sleeping on my couch?”

“I’m not stealing your bed, Eddie,” Buck said stubbornly.

“You stole my injuries by swapping places for me in that factory. Consider us even,” he said coolly.

“Wow,” Buck said sarcastically, “what a nice thank you for saving your life.”

Eddie flinched. “Here’s what’s going to happen, Buckley. You are going to take a nap, in my bed, where you’ll be sleeping for the foreseeable future. Then you’ll have lunch when you wake up, no matter how nauseous you are so you can take your medication. Then we’re getting you in the shower because you fucking stink. Then you’re getting right into bed with no complaints. Then when you’re more of a living semi-breathing person we will have a very long, very serious conversation about what happened at that factory.”

“And what happens if I refuse and just go back to my loft?”

Eddie smiles smugly, “Hard to do that when you don’t have your keys,” he says as he holds up Buck’s keys.

Buck sighs and rolls his eyes. “You know you’re essentially holding me hostage, right?”

“Good. You’re finally starting to get it.”

“I’m gonna call Athena on you,” Buck grumbled.

“Go ahead. I think you’ll find her slightly unsympathetic to your situation of having a warm bed, food, and a caretaker.”

“Feels more like you're my babysitter than caretaker.”

“Maybe if you weren’t such a baby that wouldn’t be the case. Speaking of,” Eddie grins manically, “it’s baby’s nap time. Do I need to sing you a lullaby too?”

Buck flips him off as he slowly makes his way to Eddie’s bedroom, glaring at him the whole way.

–

As Eddie promised, he doesn’t bring up the factory fire the rest of the night.

He does, however, shove crackers down his throat.

“I’m not hungry,” Buck insists. He really isn’t that hungry. But Buck knows most of that is the nausea of the pain meds talking. So does Eddie which makes him more annoying.

“Buck,” he scolds like Buck is a petulant toddler, “you know you have to eat something.”

“I don’t want to throw up,” Buck says quietly. Buck has had a slight fear of throwing up since the pulmonary embolism. The feeling of blood coming up, choking him, was one of the worst things he ever felt. Buck confessed this to Eddie when Buck got sick and drank Pepto Bismol exclusively for a week to avoid throwing up.

Eddie gave him a rare sympathetic look. “I know, Buck. But if you take your medication right now you’re more likely to throw up than you are from a few crackers.”

“I don’t even need to take my pain meds, I feel fine,” Buck tried, desperate to get out of eating with the way his stomach was twisting.

Eddie rolled his eyes. They were going to get stuck like that soon from how frequently he was doing it. “Sure. Then you’ll throw up from how much pain you’re in. Buck, I promise, these crackers are the thing that’s going to make you the least likely to throw up in all the scenarios.”

Buck eats the damn crackers.

–

Showering goes much the same way.

Buck insists that he’s fine to shower by himself.

Eddie insists he is not fine to shower by himself.

“Buck,” Eddie sighs, “you can barely stand for two minutes at a time, I’m helping you.”

“Then I’ll sit in the shower.”

“And stand up from the floor by yourself?”

“You already have handle bars in here for Chris. I can use those.”

“With your dislocated shoulder?”

Buck glares at him.

“Buck, this isn’t a big deal. We see each other naked every shift. You helped me shower after I got shot. I helped you after your leg. Why the fight?”

Because, Buck thinks, I don’t deserve your help. I deserve to struggle. I deserve the pain. 

Buck doesn’t say that though. Instead he just says, “Fine.”

He also hated to admit, he did need Eddie. That wasn’t how things were supposed to be. Buck was the one who was supposed to be needed, not the other way around. 

Distantly, Buck wondered how long it would take before Eddie was exhausted by him. ( Again, his brain adds.)

–

Eddie was nice enough to let Buck sleep in and feed him more crackers before he brought it up. Buck was hoping he’d forget about his promise, but of course Buck wouldn’t be that lucky.

“So,” Eddie says leaning against the counter. He was clearly strategic about this because he knew Buck wouldn’t be able to get out of the chair without his help so he was stuck in this conversation. Sigh.

“So,” Buck responds, not going into this fight willingly.

“Why?”

Buck sighed and rubbed a hand over his face. “I don’t know why you want me to apologize for saving your life, Eddie.”

Eddie’s eyes flared with anger. “No. If you wanted to save my life you would’ve pulled me back. You clearly had enough time to grab me. But instead of pulling me back, you pushed yourself forward and switched sides with me.”

“Eddie, I had to act quickly. If I pulled you back I could’ve caused both of us to lose our balance and we both would’ve fallen.”

Eddie shakes his head sharply. “You don’t know that.”

“You’re right. I don’t. But you also don’t know that it wouldn’t have happened.”

“That still doesn’t explain,” his voice shaking, “why the fuck you let go! I had you Buck! I could’ve pulled you up!”

“Or I could’ve pulled you down!”

Eddie breathed in deeply. “I could’ve gotten help. We could’ve gotten you a harness or a rope or fucking anything instead you just say sorry and let go of me to your fucking death .”

“I’m sorry, Eddie, truly I am. But you had to know I would do everything I could to save you.”

“No,” Eddie says pointing at Buck, “that’s not fair. That’s not fucking fair. You get to what just die for me? No questions asked? But I’m not allowed to try to save you? In what world does that make sense?”

“My world!” Buck snaps. “I would give my life for you every fucking time! You have Christopher to think of!”

“So do you!” Eddie yells back. “Yet you don’t seem to think of anything lately! You just dive headfirst into danger without a second glance back at any of the people that care about you!”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” Buck says, voice low.

“Oh really? Evan Buckley, born to save, unable to save himself. Or maybe you think you don’t need saving. Ever since the lightning you think you’re fucking invincible. Guess what, Buck, you’re not! You died and the next time you might not come back! So stop acting like you can survive anything!”

Buck laughed, he was truly shocked. “Trust me, Eddie, I’m aware I’m not invincible.”

Eddie’s eyes whip to Buck’s, “What the fuck does that mean?”

Buck knew he needed to stop. To shut up. Later he’d blame it on the pain meds. But maybe deep down Buck was scared and alone and Eddie was his lighthouse, shining on the darkest parts of who Buck is.

“It means, Edmundo, that I know I’m not invincible. That’s the fucking point! ”

Eddie started breathing heavily. “You’re saying. You’re saying that you want to die?” 

Buck swallowed. There was no turning back now, he may as well leave everything out in the open. “I’m saying that when I was in my coma, I was faced with the choice of life or death. I could continue living in my perfect world where my family loved me or wake up. I woke up, I chose to live. I chose to live because I saw how people needed me. I saw how you needed me, how Bobby needed me, how Maddie needed me. I chose to live.”

“So? If you chose to live, why are you acting like this!”

“Because I made the wrong choice!” Buck yells, despite the crack in his voice and the tears streaming down his face. “I made the wrong choice. Nobody needs me. I chose to live and yet all I want to do is die , Eddie. God, I want nothing more than to live. But it feels wrong I should be dead fuck I should’ve never even been born! I fail at everything I do. I fail at living, I fail at dying and I fail and I fail and I,” Buck breaks off sobbing.

Eddie was crying now too. Instead of yelling back like Buck expects, like Buck deserves, he walks over and clutches Buck into his chest, letting him sob into his shirt. He rubs his hand up and down Buck’s back with one hand and plays with the hair on the back of Buck’s neck with the other.

“It’s okay, cari ñ o, it’s going to be okay. Let it out. It’s okay,” Eddie soothes.

Buck shakes his head. “I’m not okay, Eddie,” Buck whispers into Eddie’s shirt.

“I know, I know cari ñ o. But you’re not alone. You’re not alone and we’re gonna make you okay? Alright, cari ñ o? I’m gonna take care of you. You don’t have to carry this alone anymore.”

“What if it breaks you? The weight of it all broke me,” Buck cries.

“That’s because you’ve been doing it alone. You’re not alone anymore. And yeah, you’re a little broken right now, but that’s okay. You’ll heal and you’ll be okay.”

“And if I’m not?”

“Then I’ll be here anyways.”

They both go quiet after that, with Eddie holding him like he’s the only thing keeping Buck from drifting away.

–

Buck doesn’t remember much of the day after that. The next time he wakes Eddie is still holding him and he lets himself drift off to sleep once again, knowing he was safe in arms he didn’t deserve.

–

Buck woke up around midnight incredibly thirsty. Eddie was no longer in bed with him, and the cup on the nightstand was empty. Buck sighed, knowing he was going to have to face Eddie and the way he had just barred his broken soul to him.

“Sit,” Eddie nods towards the chairs when he spots Buck from where he’s doing dishes. “Water?”

“Please,” Buck says hoarsely. 

Eddie silently fills the water and sets it down next to Buck before sitting in the chair opposite of him. He waits for Buck to finish the whole thing before he refills the cup and finally speaks.

“Buck, you do know we’re going to have to talk about this.”

Buck groaned and put his head in his hands, “Can we blame it on the pain meds?”

Eddie just shook his head softly. “We can blame it for saying it, sure, but we both know we can’t blame the pain meds for the way you’ve been feeling. And I’m not going to sit by and let you wallow in these feelings before you try-” Eddie gulps, “before it gets worse,” he ends on.

“I’m fine,” Buck pleads, “I’m not going to kill myself I promise, Eds. Please trust me when I say that.”

Eddie looks at him sympathetically, “I know that you think that right now, cari ñ o. But you still want to die, and that’s not okay.”

“I don’t want to die!” Buck insists, both of them knowing it’s a lie.

“Do you want to live?”

Buck just looks at Eddie and tries to blink back his tears. He stays silent and takes a sip of his water. He can’t bring himself to tell Eddie the truth, and Eddie can’t bring himself to hear Buck say the words they both know.

“Here’s what we’re gonna do. You’re most likely going to be out for two months for your injuries anyways, but we’re gonna focus on healing your mind too. I think you need to call Dr. Copeland for an emergency session in the morning, unless you have one already scheduled for this week.”

Buck winces. “I, uh, haven’t seen Dr. Copeland in a while,” Buck admits sheepishly.

“How long is a while?”

“Um, since you were shot, I think?”

Eddie just looks at Buck in disbelief. “You think?”

Buck drops his head in shame, “No, I know. But I’ll call in the morning.”

“Damn right you will. And you’re going to tell her and Bobby that you cannot go back to work until you’re medically cleared, and that includes mentally.”

Buck instantly starts shaking his head. “No, no, Eddie, Bobby can’t know. If Bobby knows then- then I can never be a firefighter again and then I’ll have nothing Eddie, please don’t take this from me.”

“Buck, Buck, I need you to breathe with me, it’s okay. Just breathe. In and out. I think Bobby will understand the situation. And you’re not being benched, you’re already out. This draws the least amount of attention. And hopefully two months is plenty of time to get you where you need to be, okay? And you need all the support you can get, cari ñ o.”

“If he finds out it’s going to hurt him, Eddie. I can’t hurt him again,” Buck cries. 

“No, cari ñ o, it’s okay. Yes, Bobby is going to be hurt but that’s because he loves you. It would hurt him more to know that you struggled with this alone.”

“No, I need to protect him, Eddie. I have to protect everyone.”

“What do you need to protect them from, Buck?”

“ Me. All I do is hurt everyone around me! I somehow manipulated everyone into caring about me and when they realize how fucked up and broken I really am that’s just going to hurt them more!”

Eddie looked absolutely gutted at Buck’s words. “Buck. Look at me,” he said as he grabbed Buck’s face in his palms. “You did not manipulate anyone into caring about you. Your brokenness does not hurt anyone. It hurts us because it hurts you . And it hurts because of how much we love you.”

“You shouldn’t, Eddie. I’m not capable of being loved. Not the real me. Not the broken, fucked up person I really am.”

Eddie just shakes his head, tears slowly streaming down his face. “No. You’re wrong. We love you despite your brokenness Buck. We know that you aren’t perfect, and we love you anyways. So what if you're broken? We all are. We all love you despite it. You deserve unconditional love, Evan Buckley, and we will give it to you freely because for us it’s as easy as breathing. You do not need to hide yourself from us. I know you’ve been hurt and abandoned but you have also been loved and that is not going away anytime soon, do you hear me?”

This just made Buck sob harder and Eddie pulled him back into his chest again. For the second time in the row, Buck fell asleep crying into Eddie. He was embarrassed, and broken, and knew he didn’t deserve it. But that didn’t stop him from wanting it.

–

The first thing that happens the next morning is Eddie hands Buck his phone with Dr. Copeland’s number already dialed. Buck sighed and took the phone. Eddie knew him too well to trust that he wouldn’t go through with it if left to his own devices.

Shortly after he gets off the phone with Dr. Copeland, with an emergency session tomorrow, a knock sounds on the door instantly causing Buck to tense up. It was embarrassing enough that Eddie saw how damaged Buck truly was, he couldn’t handle anyone else, but he also didn’t have his normal energy to pretend he was okay. Maybe he’d get lucky and could write it off as physical pain, which he could barely even feel. Maybe it was the medicine, maybe it was the way Buck didn’t feel much at all.

But Bobby walked through the door and instantly knew he was fucked. He sends Eddie a half ass glare to which Eddie just shrugged.

“I didn’t call him,” Eddie tells Buck honestly.

“Was there a reason I needed to be called?” Bobby asked worriedly. “I just came to check in on you Buck and bring some food down for you both.”

“Actually I think you and Buck should have a conversation, right Buck?” 

Buck gave Eddie another glare, but nodded his head for Bobby to sit next to him. 

“I’ll give you guys some space,” Eddie said, gently squeezing Buck’s shoulder in support before leaving the room.

“What’s up Buck?” Bobby prods after a few minutes of silence.

“I,” Buck sighs, “I just don’t know where to begin. I think I’ve been struggling, lately.”

“Okay,” Bobby nods. “Is it because of the lightning?  

Buck nods sharply, trying to fight the tears in his throat. “I, uh, vaguely told you about my coma dream right?”

“You told me that Daniel was still alive. That you weren’t a firefighter. That you had a close relationship with your parents, but that it was all wrong. You didn’t elaborate much more than that.”

“In my dream, I was aware that I wasn’t in my body. Or I guess I should say I had the choice to go back or to stay.”

“To go back? Like wake up?”

Buck nods. “A big part of the reason I came back was because of you, Bobby. In my dream you were dead.”

“So that’s why you’d text me every morning when you’d wake up,” Bobby says softly.

“It helped me know I wasn’t dreaming. But the reason you died was because of the relapse you had after the plane crash. Because there was no me to shove against the wall, nobody thought to go to your apartment to check on you, so nobody knew you relapsed until it was too late.”

“So you realized that I needed you.”

“Not just you. Eddie lost custody of Christopher because I never introduced him to Carla. Maddie was still with Doug. There were a lot of things that weren’t right. But I came back because everyone needed me. I came back because I realized that maybe I was enough the way I am.”

“Maybe?”

“It might be enough, for you guys. I don’t know if it’s enough for me. Bobby, I feel like I made the wrong choice.”

“The wrong choice in what Buck?”

“In choosing to live,” Buck whispered in shame.

Bobby inhaled softly and placed a hand on Buck’s shoulder. “You said I died in your dream because I didn’t shove you up against the wall?” Buck nodded. “Well do you remember why I did that?”

“It was because I was poking around in that notebook of yours.”

“That notebook,” Bobby says softly, “was filled with 148 spots. I wrote down the name of everyone we saved in one of those numbers, because 148 people died in the fire I started in Minnesota.” 

“What were you going to do when all the spots were filled?”

“Part of being catholic is atoning for your sins, and that’s what I was going to do. Not because I thought it would get me out of going to hell, but because I knew I had to. And afterwards? I was going to kill myself.”

“What stopped you?” 

Bobby huffs out a small laugh. “See, there was this kid I met, who I felt like needed me. Because I could tell he was lost and he had a great heart but downright horrible self preservation instincts. And then I met Athena and the kid needed me less and less but I still needed him, and then slowly each day I thought that life was worth living. It wasn’t easy, it still isn’t. But the days you live purely for others? There’ll come a day where you start to live for yourself. But you can’t do it alone,” Bobby says looking at Buck, tears shining in both of their eyes.

“I need help, Bobby,” Buck whispers.

“And you’ll get it, you’ll get it kid,” Bobby says as he pulls Buck into him.

–

The next day, Buck finds himself tapping his foot as he sits in the zoom waiting room. He was in Eddie’s bedroom to maintain some semblance of privacy, as if he didn’t tell Eddie everything he could possibly be talking about today already. But before Buck could spiral more, Dr. Copeland finally joined the meeting. 

“Good morning, Buck. I have to say I was surprised when I got your call, it’s been almost 2 years, hasn’t it?”

Buck looked at the floor sheepishly. “Yeah, I’m sorry about that. A lot’s happened since then. And things may have gotten slightly worse since then.”

“Why don’t we start with filling me in on some of the big stuff that’s happened, and then we can tackle how you’re feeling about these things. Does that sound like a good plan?”

Buck nods. This was why he liked Dr. Copeland. Everything was very logical and methodical, making it so Buck could just focus on his feelings instead of worrying about logistics or how things were going to go down. “The main reason why I stopped seeing you was because Eddie was shot. He survived, thank god, but it was that sniper targeting firefighters. We were in the middle of the street and he just got fucking shot,” Buck takes a shaky breath, “But that’s not the point. I have a niece, but Maddie suffered postpartum depression and ended up leaving and being put in a facility to get help, but she’s doing a lot better now. Chim left to go after her too, not before punching me in the face but that’s not important. Oh I guess I was taken hostage? But only for like a few hours and I was fine. After that, Eddie left the 118 to focus on his mental health but he’s back now. I also donated my sperm to my old college roommate. Then I got struck by lightning and died for 3 minutes, went into a coma where I could choose if I lived or died, chose to live, and I’ve felt like I’ve made the wrong choice ever since. Some people think that’s caused me to be extra reckless in the field and I had an accident where I almost died. I was disappointed when I woke up and I wasn’t. I told Eddie as much and well now we’re here.”

Dr. Copeland, unfazed as always, simply nodded and jotted something down. “We’ve talked before about your depression and your reckless behavior and where it comes from. Typically it’s never come from a place of wanting to intentionally hurt yourself or even die, but rather wanting your pain you feel inside to be seen outwardly, typically through physical pain. Why do you think that’s changed after your coma?”

“I chose to live because my coma showed me how much people needed me. And I thought that they loved me for who I was and I was enough for them. I just don’t think I’m enough for myself. I could never kill myself, because people need me. But sometimes I think it would be better for everyone if I was dead.”

“You just said that people needed you, loved you, and you were enough for them. So why do you still feel like it would be better for everyone if you were dead?”

“I think,” Buck swallows, “that a lot of that love and a lot of that need comes from obligation. The team loves me because the team is like a second family, so they love me because they have to. I think that need comes from the same thing. They need me because they haven’t realized yet that they need someone else more, and they know I’ll never leave and therefore they can depend on me.”

“We’ve talked a lot before about the team dynamic, and you’ve even told me that both Hen and Chimney have said that the team was not like this before you and Bobby got there. So, if the team was made into a family, is there still love out of familial obligation? Or does it mean that they chose to love you and make you part of their family when they didn’t have to?”

Part of the reason Buck had stopped doing sessions with Dr. Copeland was because he hated how logical she was, especially when Buck knew a lot of his feelings were illogical. But that didn’t stop him from feeling them.

“What if I tricked them? Like I tricked them into thinking I’m important? What if I tricked them into loving me?”

“And why would you think you did that?”

“I’m needy. I’m exhausting. I think that maybe they knew I didn’t have anyone else and they’re good people so they couldn’t leave me alone. Maybe they’re all just hoping for the day where I’m someone else’s problem.”

“Buck,” Dr. Copeland says gently, “I think it is hard for you to accept their love because you view yourself as unlovable, and as undeserving of love. But you are not a problem they’re waiting to be taken off their hands. You are a brother, friend, and practically family to these people. They want to be by your side. In your appointment notes you said that you and your Captain discussed not going back to work until you are cleared by me, correct?” Buck nodded. “I think that’s an important step. To try to get you cleared for when you’re physically healed I think we need to start with two sessions a week, so I’d like to make an appointment for this Thursday at our normal time. Before then, I want you to try something. You said a lot of your internal value is what you do for others. So until Thursday, I don’t want you to do anything. I know that you’re staying with Eddie so I don’t want you to do the dishes or offer to help out, and see if his behavior changes when you’re not being helpful to him. I think you’d be surprised at what you find.”

–

Buck honestly thought it was going to be harder to follow through on what Dr. Copeland asked. But he should’ve known that Eddie was not going to let Buck do a single thing while he was injured.

“Can I at least set the table?” he asked Eddie one night where Eddie was making dinner since Maddie and Chim were coming over.

“You’re supposed to be resting, Buck. I’m not gonna leave you on the side of the road if you’re not the perfect house guest.”

“Maybe you should,” Buck muttered, earning him a patented Eddie glare.

Eddie turned away from the stove to look at Buck. “I know that you’re struggling right now and I appreciate you trusting me with this side of yourself. But, you need to know Buck, not everyone sees you the way you see yourself. You aren’t my friend because of what you do for me. While I am grateful for all you do for me, you’re my best friend because of who you are as a person.”

Buck opened his mouth to respond before the doorbell rang and he moved to try to get up, which was not easy considering now that he wasn’t as emotionally exhausted the pain in his body liked to make itself known. 

“Don’t even think about it, Buckley,” Eddie said, pushing Buck lightly down back into the chair as he went to get the door. Buck didn’t bother to hide his pout.

“Buck!” Maddie practically yelled as she barreled into the Diaz house and pulled Buck into a gentle, yet firm hug. “I’m sorry I haven’t been by since you’ve been discharged. Things with Jee have been crazy and Eddie said you’ve been really wiped and haven’t been feeling up to guests. How are you doing?”

Buck sighed. Him and Eddie talked about him inviting Maddie to talk to her about what he was going through. It was another thing he and Dr. Copeland had discussed helping him build his support system. But still how do you tell the only person that’s loved you your entire life that you want to die?

“Physically? Hurts like a bitch,” he says with a soft chuckle, trying to stall.

“And not physically?” Maddie asks, immediately calling him out on his bullshit. 

Buck sighed not knowing how to begin. “I think this accident in particular is bringing up some issues I haven’t always wanted to deal with.”

Maddie narrows her eyes. “What issues?”

“Why don’t we sit down and we can pick up this conversation after dinner?” Eddie interrupts, knowing Buck was quickly getting overwhelmed. “Buck needs to take his meds soon but can’t on an empty stomach.”

Maddie, ever the caretaker, quickly apologizes and agrees before giving Buck the biggest helping of them all. Despite the fact that Buck is notoriously nauseous on any type of pain medication. Dinner is a quiet affair. Maddie and Chim shooting Buck worried looks, Buck staring at his plate and picking his food, and Eddie trying to be a good host. Finally after what feels like the quickest dinner of his life, Eddie stands up to clear the plates.

“I can clear them!” Buck says, trying to get up before he’s met with three different glares. “Nevermind,” he grumbles.

“Actually, Chim, do you want to help me with the dishes?” Eddie asks, not being subtle at all.

“Yeah man, that’s a great idea,” Chim says, bouncing up and shooting Buck a somewhat apologetic somewhat worried look.

Chim is barely a foot away from the table when Maddie turns to him. “So what’s wrong with you?”

Buck sighs. “I need you not to freak out.”

“You saying that makes me feel like it’s something that’s going to make me freak out.”

“I don’t know if my accident,” he gestures to himself, “was as much an accident as everyone originally thought,” he admits quietly.

Maddie immediately stands up, her chair screeching on the hardwood floor behind her. “I was told,” her voice shaking, “that you fell to save Eddie. What do you mean it wasn’t an accident?”

Buck could feel the tears welling up in his eyes, this was exactly why he didn’t want to tell Maddie. He hated constantly causing her pain. “I was trying to save Eddie. He lost his balance and I grabbed him and turned us around and I was the one falling. Except I didn’t fall, because Eddie grabbed my hand. I,” Buck took a deep breath, “I let go of his hand.”

“No. No. No you wouldn’t. You don’t want to die, Buck,” Maddie laughs. “You don’t, right?”

“I’m so sorry, Maddie,” Buck whispered as tears streamed down his face.

Maddie immediately pulls him into her chest. “It’s okay, it’s okay. We’re gonna get you the help you need, alright?” She cards her hands through his hair as he cries. When he’s finally slowing down Maddie calls Eddie and Chim back in. Immediately Buck can tell from Chim’s eyes that Eddie filled him in. Which was what they had discussed, but still Buck hated how many people knew .

Maddie cleared her throat, “We need to come up with a treatment plan for Buck. We should look to see if any local facilities have any openings.”

“No,” Buck shook his head frantically, “please no. I- I’m back in therapy I’m doing good I promise. Please don’t just stick me in a facility and abandon me. Please, Mads, please.”

“Evan, you need serious help,” Maddie says softly. 

“I agree with Buck,” Eddie speaks up. “The last thing he needs is to be isolated.”

“He needs help Eddie. Professional help.”

“Help he’s getting. Listen Dr. Copeland doesn’t think he’s actively suicidal.”

“He just told me his injuries weren’t an accident! That seems pretty actively suicidal to me!” Maddie yells.

“I’m not going to kill myself, Mads. I just think, with where I’m at currently, I would take advantage of an opportunity to potentially die, like with the factory fire.” 

“And Buck’s off work for the next two months, at least. Bobby and Buck have talked and agreed that Buck won’t come back to work unless Dr. Copeland clears him. In the meantime he’s gonna stay here, with me, so he isn’t alone.”

“You have to go back to work at some point, Eddie,” Maddie argues.

“I will, but it’s summer so when Chris gets back Carla will be here. And Buck doesn’t need 24/7 supervision. If that changes, then we’ll cross that bridge when we get there.”

“I just can’t lose you,” she whispers into Buck’s head as she presses a kiss to his curls. 

“You won’t, Mads. I want to get better. Not just for you guys, but I think for myself too. I don’t want to feel like this anymore.”

“And you won’t. It’s going to get better,” she says as she sticks out her pinky. Buck can’t help but laugh softly as he links his pinky with hers. 

For the first time in a long time, Buck thinks, just maybe, he might actually end up okay.

–

He does his next piece of therapy homework when Eddie finally goes back to work a week later. Carla was still on vacation for the next two days until Chris came back from camp. Eddie told him he could be left alone for a little bit but that someone would need to come check on him at least once, but Buck got to pick who.

He picked Ravi.

Ravi was bouncing back and forth between A-shift and B-shift, but since Eddie was going back full time he had the day off, so Buck took advantage. He had something he wanted to talk to Ravi about.

“Hey, man, I’m here,” Ravi announced as he opened the door, “Eddie told me where the spare key was because he didn’t want you getting up.”

Buck rolled his eyes fondly, “Of course he did.”

“This is my first time on Buck Up Buttercup duty. Do I even want to know what it entails?”

“Well nothing could be worse then when Eddie forced his child on me and we ended up in a tsunami so I think you’ll be fine,” Buck jokes, laughing at how wide-eyed Ravi gets.

“Sometimes I forget how much you’ve been through. I mean, I’ve heard all the stories of course, even been there for some of them, but it’s hard to reconcile what I’ve heard and seen with, well, you.”

“That’s actually why I asked for you to come check on me today.”

“Because I don’t know your trauma well enough so I won’t treat you like glass?”

Buck huffs out a laugh, “That, and I think we might have some shared trauma. I don’t want to bring up difficult shit for you, but I was wondering if we could talk about your childhood?”

“You mean, my cancer? Please don’t tell me that’s why everyone’s worried as fuck about you.”

“No, no,” Buck says hurriedly, “I don’t have cancer. I learned something right before you became a probie. I learned that I was a savior baby.”

“Maddie had cancer as a kid?” Ravi asks with concern. 

“Not Maddie. My brother, Daniel. Who you don’t know because, well, it didn’t work.”

“Oh, Buck,” Ravi says sympathetically. 

“It was probably two weeks before you got to the 118 when my parents came to town. We’re not very close but they wanted to see Maddie before she had Jee. They brought Maddie’s baby box but I didn’t have one, not the point, anyways there was a photo of a boy on a bike. At first I thought it was me until I looked at the date on the back and it was before I was even born. So, Maddie told me everything. I had a brother, named Daniel, who died from cancer when I was a year and a half old and I didn’t remember him. My parents erased his existence, but they couldn’t erase their grief. Especially with a reminder staring them in the face every day. A reminder of the son they had who couldn’t save the son who was lost.”

“Not to be rude, but it kinda seems like your parents are assholes,” Ravi says, earning a sharp laugh from Buck. 

“No, they’re not bad people. They just didn’t know how to push through their grief enough to parent the kids that were still here.”

Ravi nods, even though he doesn’t fully agree. “So you want to hear about my cancer and what, make you feel worse about your dead brother? Because I’m sorry but I’m not going to let you use me and my trauma to punish yourself,” Ravi says, not unkind, but honest.

Buck shakes his head. “That’s not why I’m asking you to do this, and you have every right to refuse, you know. After I was struck by lightning and in my coma, I had a coma dream. I was in a world where I saved Daniel.”

“Oh fuck,” Ravi says quietly.

“And well, it’s hard to describe, but basically I got to choose whether I stayed or I left. And obviously I had no choice in the fact that my cells didn’t graft and he had a relapse and died, but this time I did have a choice, and I,” Buck took a shaky breath, “I left him.”

“And you want to know if you did the right thing by choosing to live,” Ravi finishes for him.

Buck nods. “I just, I need to know what it was like for him. If he hates me for not being able to save him like I hate myself for it.”

“Buck,” Ravi says as he gently grabs Buck’s hands, “He would never hate you. Cancer is one of the worst things imaginable, especially when you’re young like we were. You miss out on everything. You grieve a childhood you’d never get back and a life you weren’t guaranteed to live. But do you want to know what got me through it all?” Buck nods, tears in his eyes. “My siblings. It wasn’t my parents, or my doctors or nurses, don’t get me wrong, they helped but my real saving grace was my sisters.”

“Really?”

“Really. My parents radiated worry at all times, but my sisters were just kind and pure. I could tell they were scared too but they were so innocent they didn’t really know what was going on at first. So they would just distract me and make me laugh and hold my hand. I was the middle child and my youngest sister was two months old when I got diagnosed.”

“That must’ve been hard,” Buck said, eyes on the floor.

“It was. But more than my older sister, she was my favorite. She would smile and giggle and would cry all the fucking time, but she also had the sweetest heart,” Ravi said, fondly.

“Did you ever need a bone marrow transplant?”

Ravi nodded, “I did. My parents wanted to test my baby sister but I refused. I would’ve rather died than let them hurt her in any way. And I’m sure if Daniel was aware of what was happening he would’ve tried to protect you in the same way. You didn’t fail him, Buck. You may not have saved his body, Buck, but you sure as hell saved his soul. You gave him something to live for and something to let him live on in. I know he would’ve been proud of you for choosing yourself, in the coma. He would never want you to feel the things he did.” 

Buck was openly crying now. “I just feel like a failure. I was born for one thing and I couldn’t do it and it cost my family everything.”

“Buck, you did not fail. You had no control over the situation or the insane expectations that were set on you. You helped Daniel, that I am sure of, no matter if it was physically or mentally. There is more than one way to save people, Buck, and I think you know that better than anyone.”

“What if I’m the one who needs saving this time?” Buck admits quietly.

“Well, it’s a good thing that’s exactly what your family does for a living,” Ravi says with a smile that makes Buck laugh weakly. 

–

If you asked Buck who his favorite person on the planet was, he wouldn’t even hesitate before saying Christopher Diaz. He wouldn’t just die for the boy, he would kill for him too, and honestly the love Buck has for him scares him sometimes. His first instinct since he met him was to protect him, even if it meant for himself. Which is why Eddie and Buck were arguing the day Chris was coming home from summer camp.

“What do you mean you’re leaving?” Eddie asked incredulously, staring at the open bags Buck had. 

“I shouldn’t be around Christopher right now Eddie,” Buck insists. “He needs a stable environment and I’m currently not that.”

“You think I’m stable 24/7? Chris literally had to call you last year because I started to beat up my wall. You’re already one step ahead of me, you’re getting help and you’re actually trying. You don’t need to pretend you’re okay for him. All that matters is he’ll know that you will be even if you aren’t right now,” Eddie tries to reason.

“You don’t get it!” Buck snaps, “I have ruined everything! I will not ruin Christopher too! I’ve already caused everyone enough pain and I’m not going to drag him down with me!”

Buck was so wrapped up in his insecurities that neither he or Eddie noticed Christopher in the doorway until he said, “Buck? What’s wrong?”

Buck could feel his heart breaking in two. This was everything he had tried to avoid. “Hey, buddy,” he said trying to hide the shaking in his voice, “nothing’s wrong, I just wanted to get out of your guys’ hair so you two could spend some time together alone.”

“Dad?” Chris asks Eddie. “Can you give me and Buck a minute?”

“Sure, mijo,” he said as he pressed a kiss to his head and shot Buck a glance that it would be okay.

Chris easily plopped himself down on Eddie’s bed and after a second patted the spot next to him for Buck.

“Did you know,” Chris says after a moment, “that my summer camp had a lake?”

Buck nodded, “Yeah, your dad mentioned that. Why? Did you have any issues with the water?” Buck asked in a panic, he had thought Chris had conquered his fear of water a few years back.

“I didn’t, but it did get me thinking about the tsunami. About everything really. I knew, logically, that you had gotten hurt right before and had broken your leg, and then you got sick and Bobby’s and couldn’t work for a little bit. It wasn’t until I told my friend at camp, Jake, that my dad worked at the 118 and he asked if I knew the guy who got his leg crushed by a fire truck that I put two and two together.”

“Chris-” Buck started, not knowing what to say.

“His mom apparently worked the scene as LAPD and that’s how he recognized the number. And then I looked up the footage,” he admits quietly.

“I never wanted you to see that,” Buck said, voice just as low.

“I know. But I think I needed to. I was so young when it happened that I didn’t realize exactly what you went through. I’m guessing when you got sick at Bobby and Athena’s that night it wasn’t you just having a virus was it?”

“I had a pulmonary embolism,” Buck explains. “It’s where I essentially had a blood clot caused by the screws in my knee that traveled to my lungs. So, no, it wasn’t just a virus.”

Chris nodded. “That was why you couldn’t go back to work for a little bit right?”

“Yes. Bobby thought that the clot was caused by how hard I was pushing to come back to work. I also was put on blood thinners, which with the job we do could be dangerous. Which is why I wasn’t working the day of the tsunami.”

“I remember after the tsunami you kept apologizing to me for not saving me. But in the months before you had your leg crushed by a firetruck and a blood clot. I never blamed you, Buck, and neither did Dad. But now I really know how much you sacrificed for me. How hard you fought for me. So why do you feel like you’re dragging me down with you?”

Buck felt like he had been sucker punched. “I’ve been dealing with some heavy stuff, bud, since the lightning strike.”

Chris looked him up and down. “You’ve been hurt a lot lately. That got anything to do with it?”

Buck laughed out of shock, “You’re really smart, you know that kid?”

“Not a kid,” Chris protested. “Did you- was it on purpose?”

“No,” Buck grabbed Chris hand on the bed, “no I would never purposely leave you. I just have been so caught up in my own mind that I haven’t been taking the necessary precautions lately. But your dad has been helping me work through it.”

“Good,” Chris says as he gives Buck’s hand a squeeze, “I’m glad you and Dad have each other. I’ve been worried about you since the lightning. I could tell you were different.”

“What if- what if I’m not the way I was? What if I can never go back to the Buck I was before it all?”

“Well then, we’ll love you anyway,” Chris says, like it’s the easiest thing in the world as he gives Buck a gentle hug, minding his injuries.

Buck still felt incredibly guilty for burdening Chris, but he couldn’t help but remember that the very thing Chris said to him was what he had begged from his parents before. And with Chris and Eddie, he didn’t even have to ask.

–

For the most part, everyone would agree that Buck’s mental state was getting better. Carla was only coming a few times a week and Buck was Christopher’s primary caretaker. And well, it was hard to be depressed around Christopher.

That being said, Buck still had bad days. The voice in his head never truly was quiet, his mood was simply dependent on how good he was at blocking the voice out. Another thing he didn’t truly expect was the numbness. The days where he barely felt anything at all good or bad. It scared him. He was having one of those days on the day Chris and Eddie had plans to go to the science museum with a few of Christopher’s friends and their parents. But Buck simply didn’t have the energy to put on the mask of being a functioning person. So he lied, told Eddie his ribs hurt and waited until he heard the front door close before he threw the covers over his head.

Buck wasn’t sure how long it was before he heard the door click back open. He was going to be annoyed if Eddie had simply dropped Chris off to come back and take care of Buck. Buck just needed a break from being a person for the day. So he was surprised when he heard May’s voice calling out to him.

He loved May. She was funny, kind, and scary in the way that makes it known she’s Athena Grant’s daughter. But she was another person he had to pretend around so he slammed his eyes shut and tried to even his breathing out as much as possible. 

“Hey Buck,” May said as she plopped herself on the bed next to Buck. “Eddie called me and asked me to stop in today and check on you. Apparently your ribs were bothering you. Which is funny that he called me of all people, considering our family is full of first responders and I’m one of the few without actual medical training, but here I am.”

Buck tried not to furrow his brow to keep up his ruse of being asleep. So great. Eddie knew Buck was full of shit.

“You don’t have to talk. You can keep ‘sleeping’,” she said with air quotes, “but I want to tell you a story. When I was 13, god, I think it must’ve been in your probie year because mom met you and Bobby both shortly after, I tried to kill myself. Waited until my parents left for work, told them I was sick and couldn’t go to school, and stole a bunch of my moms pills.”

Buck’s heart broke at the idea of pure, sweet, gentle May feeling the same way he did. She was one of the shining lights in the world and Buck was one of darkness, how could they have this feeling in common?

“I know you didn’t know so don’t beat yourself up about it. But the point is, when everyone asked me why I had an easy excuse: I was being bullied. What I didn’t say though, was that everything the bullies were saying to me I had said to myself. I know what it’s like to think that you don’t deserve good things in life. To be so tired of your own mind you can barely be around anyone, let alone yourself. To be so tired you purposely try to make sure you never wake up again. And you want to know what else I know?”

“What?” Buck asks quietly.

“What it’s like to survive. And how to learn to live again.”

“How’d you do it?”

“I told myself I couldn’t hurt the people I love like that again. But more than that, I realized that maybe I didn’t want to die. Maybe I just didn’t want to be alone anymore. And you, Evan Buckley,” May said, sounding exactly like her mother, “are never alone and we will never let you forget that. You and me, we’re survivors. Of ourselves and the world. So we’re just gonna sit here, and you’re going to feel however you need to feel, and then when you’re ready we’re gonna get some fresh air. Sounds good?”

Buck nodded. Survivors. Buck never really thought of himself like that. He just thought of himself as broken. But May wasn’t broken. Neither was Bobby, or Maddie, or Eddie. Maybe he could be a survivor too.

–

Buck had finally gotten to discard his sling. He still had another three weeks, minimum, before he would physically be able to work. And Buck felt like he was getting better, but that’s because he’d have to go out of the way to hurt himself and that was something he couldn’t do. But he didn’t know what he’d do if he had the opportunity.

Dr. Copeland was proud of his progress. She even got him to admit in their last session that Daniel dying was not Buck’s fault. That maybe, his parents lack of love for him, wasn’t because of him, but because of their own grief. The theme of the week, apparently, is coming to terms with things that weren’t his fault. So he had his newest piece of therapy homework: go to the pier.

Buck went alone while Eddie was at work and Chris was at a friend’s house. He didn’t tell anyone where he was going, because he had to do this alone.

If anyone asked him what the worst thing that happened to him, it would easily be the tsunami. Not because it hurt the most, but because he lost Christopher. He doesn’t know what he would’ve done if Chris wasn’t okay. He knew, logically, that he couldn’t control the ocean, but he brought Chris to the pier that day. He didn’t secure Chris to the firetruck when the wave receded. But as Dr. Copeland and Eddie both pointed out, he didn’t give up. And well, maybe that was worth something.

Buck couldn’t bring himself to actually go on the pier, so he settled on the beach next to it and just stared out to the ocean. He wasn’t sure how long he was staring into the abyss when he noticed the girl caught in the rip current.

Immediately, Buck looked around and cursed seeing there was no lifeguard. He pulled out his phone and quickly dialed 911. “This is off-duty firefighter Evan Buckley with the 118. I am at the Santa Monica pier where there is a teenage girl caught in a rip current,” he said as he raced to the lifeguard stand to get the buoy and rope. 

“Buck, do not attempt to rescue her yourself. Help will be there shortly,” Josh said frantically on the other side of the phone.

“I’m sorry,” Buck said, “I have to do something, ” he said as he hung up the phone.

He quickly secured the rope in the sand before securing it around his waist before wading into the water. He stopped just before he stopped being able to touch and called out to the girl. “I’m gonna throw you this buoy. Grab onto it and I’ll pull you out! Don’t try to swim, let me do the work, I’m a firefighter!” he said as he threw the buoy to the girl. It took two tries with his still somewhat injured shoulder to get it to her, but when she finally grabbed it he heaved a quick sigh of relief before he started to pull her in. He dug his feet into the sand and pulled with all his might before he was finally able to get her out of the current. Afterwards, it was much easier.

“It’s okay,” he said, grabbing the girl who was shaking, but otherwise okay, “you’re safe now. The hard part is over, just gotta walk to shore now.”
Buck was so caught up in the rescue that he didn’t notice the sirens or the firetruck on the beach. Or the fact that it was the 118 who got the call.

“BUCK!” he heard Eddie call for him as he and Chim ran into the water to them. Chim easily guided the girl the rest of the way to the shore as Eddie grabbed him. “Are you okay? Are you hurt? Can you breathe?”

“Eddie, Eddie,” Buck said, grabbing Eddie’s frantic hands, “I’m okay. I secured myself in the sand and tied the rope to my waist before I threw it out to her. I didn’t get caught in the current at all, and I didn’t even go underwater. I’m okay.”

Eddie looked at him with awe and tears in his eyes before he put Buck’s face in his hand and kissed him hard. “When Josh said you were trying to save her,” he said when he pulled apart, resting their foreheads against each other, “I thought you were going to die. I thought you were trying to swim out there with broken ribs and a barely healed shoulder, and I thought you were gonna get caught in the current too and die.”

“That didn’t even cross my mind,” Buck said with a small laugh. “Eddie, I could’ve died today. I could’ve done the reckless thing. But I didn’t even think about it. Eddie, I chose to live.”

Eddie kissed him again. “I love you. I am so in love with you. Thank you for staying. I’ve been wanting to tell you but I didn’t want your entire will to live to be dependent on our relationship. I wanted you to choose it for yourself, and you did.”

“I love you too,” Buck replies easily. “And I even think one day, I might be able to love myself, Eddie.”

Eddie just smiled and kissed him again.

–

Three weeks later, Buck walked back into the 118 with Eddie’s hand in his. He was cleared, physically and mentally.

Buck knew that he wasn’t magically cured of his depression. But he knew with his family by his side they could weather the storm together. And for the first time in a long time, Buck knew he was right in choosing to live.