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I.
Lord Havelock Vetinari, Patrician of Ankh-Morpork, had made it a habit to attend Nobby Nobb’s book club every Sunday evening. He hadn’t meant to, at first, but the meetings were surprisingly relaxing. He didn’t tend to contribute much, just listened, while Cheery and Nobby rambled on. Fred Colon was mostly there to consume the scones Vetinari brought from the Palace kitchen, but even he had started reading the books now, and made slow but steady progress. He was still on book one of eight in the series.
‘I just don’t understand what’s taking them so long!’ he complained. ‘It’s obvious they’re in love with each other, why don’t they just get on with it!’
‘It’s about the romance, Fred!’ Nobby exclaimed. ‘It’ romantic!’
‘And in fact,’ Vetinari added, ‘what may seem obvious to us might not seem obvious to them, sergeant. The difference between what the reader knows and what the protagonists know adds to the suspense and makes a happy ending all the more rewarding.’
‘How can they not know?’ Colon insisted. ‘They constantly go out of their way to find opportunities to see each other!’
Cheery huffed. ‘She’s a woman of noble birth, Fred! Limes was born in the gutter and tries to climb out of it. Look.’ She opened her book and read: ‘His hands were dirty, covered in grime and blood. He dared not touch her, the beautiful, unblemished maiden, even though she was shaking in distress. Her heaving bosom… And so on. Limes doesn’t think he’s good enough for her! That he’d sully her.’ She clutched her chest and sighed. ‘Can you imagine how he must suffer? Longing for her but convinced she could never feel the same way? And even that if she did, it would only be because she doesn’t know him well enough to understand what she’ll be getting herself into? I think it’s pretty obvious that he doesn’t have a high opinion of himself.’
‘Fine, what’s taking her so long then?’ Fred asked petulantly.
‘Well, she does make the first move, which is pretty feminist, considering…’
‘Yeah, but it takes her ages!’
‘Perhaps,’ Vetinari interrupted the argument, ‘she fears she will inadvertently coerce the commander. She is his social superior and as the Governor’s daughter, she might feel like she is using her position of power to pressure him into something he doesn’t want. She is waiting for him to take things further between them so she can be sure he does it willingly.’
‘Well, maybe, if they all actually said all of that out loud to each other, they’d have an easier time!’ Colon had gone red in the face with irritation. ‘It’s not that difficult, is it?’
‘But people don’t do that, Fred!’ Nobby said. ‘Like, you know, when Verity Pushpram chucks fish at me, I know what she’s really saying is how glad she is to have me.’
‘Is she now?’ Vetinari asked, then, realising he had just invited Nobby Nobbs to talk about his personal life, quickly added: ‘Communication has many layers, sergeant. People are rarely ever upfront about what they really want, often in fear of getting hurt if they reveal too much. Both Nanette and Commander Limes have learned from their social spheres not to trust people with their emotions because they will either be ridiculed or disregarded. To be upfront must seem impossible to them.’
‘Yeah, but they can trust each other, can’t they?’ Colon defended his standpoint. ‘They know that. He’s saved her life multiple times, she’s made sure he got the promotion and more money for the Watch… Like, they should know they’ll have each other’s back, don’t they?’
‘But protecting her life is merely part of his job,’ Vetinari said. ‘So…’
‘That’s not true!’ Cheery interrupted. ‘He’s gone above and beyond, and he’s made her safety his personal responsibility. That’s different. Only she doesn’t see that.’
‘But you’re right!’ Nobby pointed at the Patrician. ‘Limes hates all those promotions and the fuss she makes! He doesn’t understand that what Nanette’s doing is giving him a secure place in the world and the power to change things because she knows how important that is to him.’
‘He… doesn’t?’ Vetinari asked.
‘No!’ Cheery and Nobby shouted in unison.
‘Honestly,’ Nobby added, ‘You both don’t know what romance actually means, do you?’
II.
Lord Havelock Vetinari, Patrician of Ankh-Morpork, had also made it a habit to slink by Samuel Vimes’ office every night after book club. Most days, it wasn’t occupied, because the commander was running around somewhere catching criminals. But sometimes, a flickering light could be seen shining under the door, and whenever that was the case, Vetinari slipped in for a talk the length of a shared cigar.
When Vetinari entered the office this time, Vimes quickly hid something underneath a pile of papers on his desk. He got up from his chair, looked confused with himself, and then briefly pretended that he had been sorting through some files.
‘Book club already done, sir?’
He nimbly produced a packet of cigars from his pocket and offered Vetinari one, like he always did. Then he struck a match and held it for him as Vetinari leaned in to light it. And just like that, he didn’t feel like the Patrician anymore, as if Vimes could flick the aloof tyrant off like a switch, and all that was left was himself. With marvellous ease, Vetinari half sat on Vimes’ desk and watched him as he lit up, too. The commander never smoked before he came in – he always waited.
‘Learned anything knew?’ Vimes asked as he leaned back against the windowsill.
Vetinari took a deep drag. ‘Always.’ He breathed out slowly. ‘Book club can be quite enlightening.’
‘Hmhm.’
Smoke swirled through the room in silence and they both enjoyed the quiet for a while. But there was a question burning on Vetinari’s tongue.
‘Tell me, commander…’ He carefully tapped his cigar against the ash tray on Vimes’ desk. ‘Do you realise that I have not made you Duke of Ankh merely to annoy you?’
Vimes blinked, obviously surprised at the apparent non-sequitur. ‘What?’
‘I will not pretend that your annoyance does not bring me joy from time to time. But you do realise that I gave you this title to make you powerful enough to keep the aristocracy in check and for them to have to take you seriously, don’t you?’
Vimes frowned. ‘What? Why are you asking me that? What’s this about?’
Ah. Excellent questions. Vimes had a knack for them. Vetinari avoided an answer by taking another drag from his cigar and looking down at the desk, where the pile of papers only very nearly hid a book. The edge of the cover peeked out, and it looked quite familiar.
‘You’ve been reading, commander?’
Vimes’ face flushed red immediately. ‘No. I mean, not really. I mean… I have to know what my officers get up to, don’t I?’
Vetinari pushed the papers aside to reveal Watch over me volume two face down on the desk, about half-way read.
‘Do you indeed?’ He slid his finger along the edge of the pages, daring them to cut his skin. ‘Tell me, commander, what did you think of Nanette’s brash actions, that led to her and Commander Limes’ first night together?’
‘Book club’s over, sir.’
Vetinari looked up at him and tried a charming smile. ‘Humour me.’
‘Er…’ Vimes’s face took on an even deeper shade of red. ‘I mean, it was pretty gutsy of her, honestly. She’s braver than Limes, by a mile. He’s a simp.’
‘Interesting. You don’t think Commander Limes might have felt… overwhelmed? Taken advantage of? Maybe even obliged to cooperate?’
‘What? No! He wanted that. I think. Only he couldn’t ask for it. It wasn’t his place.’
Vetinari’s breath caught in his throat. Time suddenly seemed to stretch into eternity. ‘Are you sure?’
‘Yeah. Why do you ask?’
Vetinari tried to calm his beating heart as he deliberately placed his cigar in the ash tray and rose from the desk. If he didn’t go for it now, he probably never would. So he took a deep breath and, willing his hand not to shake, cradled Vimes’ face. The commander stilled as if he’d suddenly been frozen in place. There was trepidation in his eyes, but he didn’t back off, not even when Vetinari’s thumb started to caress his cheek. The tension between them, that had been growing painfully taut in the last weeks, was about to snap, Vetinari could feel it. So he finally mustered up the courage to lean in, and carefully kiss Vimes on his lips.
They were surprisingly soft.
The commander gasped, and Vetinari, uncertain what that meant, pulled away. He could practically see his mind racing behind his eyes, which were fixed on him in an unsettling stare. It looked like he had overwhelmed him after all… But just when Vetinari moved to back off entirely, the tension snapped. Vimes threw his cigar into the fireplace, grabbed Vetinari’s coat with both fists and pulled him in again, pressing his mouth on him like he was trying to leave an imprint.
Vetinari’s heart fluttered with excitement. Still, he tried to keep their kisses gentle – only Vimes was kissing back properly now, eager, passionate. His stubble rubbed against Vetinari’s smoothly shaven skin, rough, but not unpleasant. Not unpleasant at all… Even if had ever dared to imagine anything between them, it probably would have paled in comparison.
With his fists still clawed in Vetinari’s coat, Vimes walked him back against the desk. Vetinari grunted when he hit the wood with force – and Vimes stepped away from him immediately.
‘Did I hurt you?’
‘Please, commander, I’m not as fragile as that. And you’re not as rough as you might think.’
‘But…’
Vetinari shut him up by diving in again, crashing their lips together. Without hesitation, Vimes opened his mouth for him. He tasted of those cheap cigars he smoked and that Vetinari found, to his own surprise, he couldn’t get enough of. But just as he felt himself getting lost in the throes of passion, as Nanette would have described it, Vimes stepped back. He was breathing heavily – one could say, his bosom was heaving – as he brushed his hand over his mouth.
‘Can we… Can we even do this? You and me?’
Vetinari was still trying to find his bearings after Vimes’ passionate kisses. ‘What do you mean?’
‘This feels…’ Vimes’ voice trailed off as he gestured helplessly. He looked wretched. ‘Forbidden somehow.’
‘There’s no law against this kind of thing, Vimes. Not anymore.’
‘No, I know. I don’t mean the law, exactly. It’s just that you’re…’
When Vimes hesitated to finish his sentence, Vetinari’s heart nervously beat out of his chest. But he managed to just raise an eyebrow.
‘Yes?’
‘Oh, I dunno. Better than me, I suppose.’
Vetinari’s heart wrenched painfully. He had expected anything – a nob, an assassin, a politician, a schemer. He was all these things that Vimes hated. But he hadn’t expected that.
‘I’m really not,’ he said quietly, because he was lost for a better answer.
‘Oh, come on, you have, like, a pedigree and manners and went to fancy schools and all that.’
‘So did Downey. So did Rust. So did Lady Selachii. It quite obviously doesn’t make one a better person.’
‘But you…’ Vimes pushed both hands through his hair as he was searching for the right words. ‘Look at you! And I’m…’ He gestured helplessly at himself. ‘I don’t deserve all this. I don’t deserve to be a duke. I don’t deserve to be as bloody lucky as I am. And I certainly don’t deserve you on top of everything else.’
It hurt to hear him talk like that – like he was constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop and for everything good to turn into ash. Life probably hadn’t taught him any better.
‘I think that’s not quite the right way to think of people, Vimes. Who ever deserves anything, really? And how would you measure that?’ Vetinari reached out to squeeze his hand. It wasn’t often that he had straightforward conversations, but sometimes, just sometimes, they were necessary, if Fred Colon was to be believed.* ‘You are – and I do not say this lightly – one of the best people I have met in my life. And I have met plenty. So I would in fact be grateful if you gave me a chance.’
‘Give you a chance? Me?’ Vimes still looked at him like he was waiting for lightning to strike him as punishment for too much luck. But when the lightning didn’t come and when Vetinari didn’t change his mind, he nodded slowly. ‘Erm. Well, yeah. Yes. Alright, then.’
‘Good.’
Vetinari smiled and pulled him into his arms – not to kiss him, just to hold him. And Vimes sighed quietly and sank into him, allowing himself to be held. His frame was a warm and solid weight against Vetinari’s chest and the most soothing thing Vetinari had ever held. Gently, he leaned his forehead against Vimes’ temple and closed his eyes. He promised himself to hold him for as long as it took him to understand that he deserved every good thing in the entire Disc.
III.
Vimes stopped in the middle of the corridor.
‘This is stupid.’
‘You agreed,’ Vetinari reminded him.
‘Yeah, cause you’re a persuasive bastard.’ When Vetinari raised an eyebrow at him, Vimes’ face softened a little. ‘I mean you’re good with words and everything.’ Furtively, he glanced at the door they had been approaching.
‘Just try,’ Vetinari said. ‘You can always leave when it’s too uncomfortable.’
‘Ha! I’d wish you’d say that when it comes to parades and balls. And those bloody meetings.’
‘Dream on, commander. These are exceptional circumstances.’ His words were stern more out of habit than necessity. To soften them, Vetinari gently squeezed Vimes’ shoulder. ‘It will be eye-opening, commander. Trust me.’
Vimes gave him a long, probing look. ‘We’ll see about that.’
Vetinari felt his hand on Vimes’ shoulder rise as the commander breathed in deeply, before he huffed and carried on down the corridor. Vetinari followed him like a shadow.
Silence fell over book club when Commander Samuel Vimes walked in and pulled up a chair, crossing his arms in front of his chest as he sat down.
‘So, that Limes fellow, eh?’ he opened. ‘Not the sharpest tool in the shed, I’d say. Bloody idiot!’
‘Commander!’ Cheery protested, indignation written all over her face.
‘What’s your problem?’ Nobby mewled before quickly adding: ‘Mr Vimes, sir.’
‘He’s a hero!’ Cheery exclaimed. ‘He’s brave and sincere and a real gentleman.’
‘Yes, and a brilliant lover!’ Nobby added.
‘Honestly, Mr Vimes,’ Cheery quickly interrupted before Nobby could elaborate. ‘He may be a bit slow on the uptake sometimes, but anyone would be lucky to have him. You can be part of this book club, sir, but not if you slander a gorgeous man we all deeply admire. He’s an amazing officer and…’
As Nobby and Cheery fell all over themselves to defend Commander Limes’ honour, Vimes looked up to meet Vetinari’s gaze.
Told you, the Patrician mouthed, and Vimes had to concede it with a small nod.
Perhaps book club could indeed be enlightening.
* Which, obviously, was an enormously big if. [ ↺ go back]