Chapter Text
Tommy couldn't get out of bed. He had been lying there for at least two days, watching the sun rise and fall in the sky, unable to move. He thinks he slept at some point, but mostly he’s been awake, watching and unmoving. The sun was rising once more outside his window, and he could hear the birds chirping. It was a beautiful morning. It shouldn’t be. It should be raining, at least then he’d have a reason to stay here.
He knew he should be hungry, but he wasn’t. He felt nothing as he lay there, just a numb awareness that he was wasting away. Tommy was going to die in this bed, he was sure of it. He couldn’t find it in himself to care. Maybe he was already dead, it felt like he was. It felt like he was the one lying still on the floor, not breathing. If he closed his eyes, he could see it, his own body deathly pale and unmoving, him in Määnins place.
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That was how it started, with him finding Määnins body. He was going over to Määnin’s apartment to do something, but he couldn’t even remember what it was now, when he found him. It had all been so normal, Tommy had no idea that his life was about to change forever. He was always going over to Määnins place, to talk about the band or just to hang out, so he didn’t call ahead, didn’t bother to knock, just unlocked the door and waltzed in there like it was a day like any other.
He smelled him before he saw him. The air was thick with the stench of vomit, it was the first sign that something was wrong. Tommy's first assumption was that Määnin must have thrown up at some point last night and fallen asleep before he could clean it up. Määnin drinking too much wasn’t an unusual occurrence, especially not lately. He still didn’t know something was wrong.
When Tommy first saw him, he thought he was dead. Määnin was splayed out on the living room floor, body angled in unnatural ways. He could feel his heart stop in his chest, his mind unable to process the sight before him. He was so useless, looking back on it. Why did he just stand there? Why didn’t he do something faster? Would it even have made a difference?
He doesn’t know how long he stood there, staring at Määnins unmoving body on the floor. Too long. The sound of a door slamming somewhere outside was what finally snapped him out of it and made him move. He called 112 with shaking fingers as he flipped Määnin over. He wasn’t breathing. Tommy was pretty sure he wasn’t breathing either.
The woman on the other side of the line was so infuriatingly calm, didn’t she understand that the world was ending? She guided him through how to perform CPR, he had vague memories of doing this in gymclass in school, but the dummy was nothing like the real thing. Pressing his lips against Määnins was nothing like he’d imagined. Their first kiss was supposed to be magical. Tommy had spend a lot of time imagining it, the way Määnin would finally see him and pull him close just like he did with all those girls in the bars, kissing him until they both ran out of breath. Instead his lips were cold and Tommy could smell the alcohol and vomit on him.
They were lucky, because some lady had broken her leg right before Tommy found Määnin. He’d never thought he’d feel grateful over a woman being hurt, but it meant an ambulance was already in the area and could be redirected to them. It arrived quickly, only a couple of minutes after Tommy had called 112. That was a miracle in a small town like this, but it didn’t feel like it. Still, that poor woman and her broken bone saved Määnins life, so Tommy should be grateful.
They had gotten his heart beating again before they loaded him into the ambulance. Tommy rode with them, watching as they worked around Määnin, an oxygen mask shoved over his mouth. They were talking, but Tommy heard none of it, he just watched Määnins' still unmoving body. If he hadn’t been hooked up to a heart monitor, Tommy would have been sure he was still dead.
He doesn’t remember how they arrived at the hospital, but he does remember watching them wheel Määnin away to pump his stomach. Someone led him to a chair and asked him questions about Määnin. He did his best to answer, but he was so out of it that he struggled to form coherent thoughts. All he could think about was his best friend, cold and unmoving, on the floor.
They asked if there was someone they could call, and he had struggled to think of someone. All he wanted was Määnin. Määnin, who was always so tough, and calm, and safe, he would know what to do. Määnin never got scared, he never would have frozen like Tommy did. He would march right into the hospital waiting room and hug Tommy, telling him he was an idiot and then he would fix this. But Määnin wasn’t coming, he was somewhere in this hospital fighting for his life right now, so Tommy settled on Freppa.
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Freppa was the opposite of Määnin when he arrived. He was neither cool nor collected, instead, it looked like he had been cryin,g and he burst into the room, clearly panicking. When he spotted Tommy his eyes widened and he rushed forward, enveloping him in a warm hug. Tommy must have looked really bad if Freppa dared to hug him, and he must have felt really bad too because he didn’t push him away. He just sat there, body stiff, his mind replaying the day's events.
When Freppa asked him what had happened, he couldn’t answer. All he knew was that Määnin was dead, and then he wasn’t. They found out about an hour later that it was alcohol poisoning. Määnin had essentially overdosed on beer and vodka. Tommy didn’t understand how this could happen. Sure, Määnin always drank a lot, but not like this. He was supposed to pass out in a ditch somewhere and then laugh about it after he’d recovered from his hangover, he was not supposed to die.
When they finally got to go visit him, Määnin was in a coma. His chances of waking up were good, but no one knew when or if he would have any lasting brain damage from the loss of oxygen. He waited for two days, only leaving Määnins bedside to go to the bathroom. He slept in the uncomfortable hospital chair and ate whatever Freppa brought him. At first, the hospital tried to kick him out, talking about visiting hours and the importance of rest, but after Freppa spoke to them, they let him stay. He didn’t know what he said, but he was grateful for Freppa's continued support.
Freppa cried a lot. It was just a constant stream of tears as he waited with Tommy. It made Tommy feel cold in comparison, he hadn’t shed a single tear. He wanted to cry, he could feel the pressure build inside of him, but he could never release it. He just sat there, useless as always trying to figure out what went wrong.
He should have noticed Määnins drinking was getting out of hand. It had been obvious for a while that something was wrong with the other man, he had been acting off for months. He was always either angry or withdrawn, and he had been drinking more than usual. Tommy never saw him without a beer in his hands these days, but he didn’t think it was a real problem. He thought Määnin would figure his own shit out, like he always did. Tommy just stood by and watched as Määnin destroyed himself, standing by was apparently the only thing he was good at.
After two days unconscious, Määnin woke up. Hearing the soft groan from Määnin as he shifted in his bed was like heavenly music to Tommy's ears. He blinked a couple of times, and then he opened his eyes. Tommy had shot off his seat the moment Määnin started moving and was leaning over him, his heart hammering in his chest. Määnin stared up at him, confusion written over his face.
“Why are you leaning over me like some creep?”.
He croaked out the words, his throat clearly dry and his voice weak. Tommy thought he had never sounded better. He was ushered out of the room by some nurses, who were prodding Määnin and asking him questions, so he didn’t have time to respond.
That moment Tommy decided to pull himself together. He needed to be strong for Määnin. He couldn’t sit around, haunted by the image of his best friend not breathing, he needed to be cool. Määnin didn’t need some weak loser, slowly losing his mind because of his fragile emotions, he needed someone tough.
So, Tommy did his best to act like Määnin, because Määnin was not acting like Määnin. He was quiet and moody, spending most of his time staring off in the distance. Tommy joked around like nothing was wrong, he sneaked Määnin food so he wouldn’t have to eat the terrible stuff the hospital gave him, and tried his best to be cool. It worked sometimes, earning him small smiles and some comments about hospitals not knowing what real food was, but mostly Määnin stayed silent. The doctors said there were no signs of brain damage, but Tommy wasn’t so sure, there was clearly something still wrong.
They didn’t talk about what had happened. Freppa tried, but both he and Määnin shot it down. He couldn’t think about what had happened. It was bad enough that every time he closed his eyes, he saw Määnins dead body, he didn’t want to talk about it too.
Määnin stayed in the hospital for four days, and Tommy stayed with him the entire time. Some nurses brought him a bed to sleep in, but he didn’t use it. It was on the other side of the small hospital room, and even that felt like too great a distance. Määnin tried to get him to leave once, telling him he needed to shower, but Tommy shot him down with such fierceness that he relented quickly. He had showered once. It was at the hospital after he was kicked out of Määnins room by some doctors. He could admit it did make him feel a bit better, but it certainly wasn’t worth leaving Määnin for.
On the final day of Määnins hospital stay, Tommy and Freppa asked the doctors about what would happen now, but they wouldn’t say anything because of some stupid doctor-patient confidentiality. When they asked Määnin, he told them honestly, in a cold, detached tone. Apparently, the doctors had decided that Määnins overdose wasn’t a suicide attempt and therefore he was free to leave, but they strongly recommended he sign into a rehab facility. Määnin had dismissed the idea, claiming he was fine in the same quiet, emotionless voice he always spoke in these days.
Freppa had argued with him, trying desperately to convince him to change his mind, but he wouldn’t budge. Tommy didn’t say anything, he just stared straight ahead. Did Määnin want to die? Tommy knew he wasn’t going to get better if he went home, he could see in Määnins eyes how much he was itching for a drink. It filled Tommy with an ice-cold sense of fear, the idea that Määnin would just go straight back home to dried-up vomit and a half-drunk bottle of vodka. He needed Määnin to go to that rehab centre, because he needed Määnin to be okay. But Määnin was an adult, and he needed to make the decision himself. He had been given papers, all he needed to do was sign them.
Freppa left the room, too upset by Määnins stone stone-cold refusal to even consider getting help to stay. That left Tommy and Määnin alone. Normally, he would try to fill the silence with a joke or a comment about how Määnin was still the toughest guy in the hospital, but today he had nothing. All he could see was the image of Määnin, dead on the floor. He couldn’t let it happen again, he wouldn’t survive it.
“What about you, you think I should go too?”.
“Of course I think you should go”.
Määnin scoffed and rolled his eyes. Tommy could feel the pressure building up in his chest again, and his eyes were welling up. He couldn’t understand why Määnin wasn’t taking this seriously.
“Oh so you think I’m a pussy now too? I had a bit too much to drink, that’s all”.
“You died!”.
His voice shook with both anger and grief when he said it. He could feel the tears start to fall, but he ignored them.
“I found you, and you were dead. Do you have any idea what that felt like? It felt like someone ripped my heart out of my chest. I thought I was going to die, too. I would have if you hadn’t made it. I can’t live without you, Määnin, and now you want to throw your life away instead of getting help. I know you’re not okay Määnin, you haven’t been in a while, so go to the damn rehab”.
That seemed to finally spark some life into Määnin, replacing the cold and distant look with one of pure rage.
“Fuck you man, you don’t know me. Why do you even care?”.
“Why do I care? You’re asking me why I fucking care? Maybe because I love you more than anything or anyone else in the whole world. I can’t survive losing you, you’re all I have to live for, so just know, you’re not just throwing your life away, you’re throwing mine away too”.
With those words, he stood up, tears still rolling down his cheeks and stormed out of the room. He locked himself in a bathroom and sobbed. It had taken him 30 minutes to pull himself together, but when he finally stopped crying, he washed his face and walked back into Määnins hospital room. Neither of them said anything, but Määnin had signed the papers.
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So there Määnin was, alone in rehab, and here Tommy was, dying in his bed. He wasn’t lying when he said he loved Määnin. He couldn’t remember exactly when he figured it out, but at some point in his teens, he realised that Määnin meant everything to him. That love had carried him through his life, it had motivated him to start a band, to work hard and to never give up. He got up in the morning so he could tell everyone how cool Määnin was, and he went to sleep at night, content, knowing Määnin was his friend. His love for Määnin was the reason he lived, and now it was killing him.
He had never thought about life without Määnin, never pictured a day that he wouldn’t be there. Now he couldn’t stop picturing it. Määnin had signed those papers, had gone into rehab, but would it work? Would it save him, or would this all just happen again? He wanted to hug Määnin and hold him so tightly he couldn’t disappear. It felt like if he could just be with Määnin, he could keep him safe, keep him alive. But he couldn’t be with Määnin, because Määnin was in rehab.
After he had signed the papers, Freppa had gone to Määnins place to pick up some clothes for him. Tommy had refused to set foot in the place, he couldn’t bear the thought of seeing that spot on the floor again. The rehab had arranged a transport from the hospital, so they said goodbye in the hospital lobby. No visitors for a week, that was the policy, so Freppa and Tommy had no choice but to go home. Freppa had dropped him off outside his apartment building, asking him if he needed something. He had joked about needing to sleep for a week and run off into the apartment before Freppa could say anything else.
When he came home he didn’t know what to do with himself. The only thing that had kept him going was the need to be strong for Määnin, but Määnin didn’t need him anymore, he had doctors and actual experts helping him. He was going to be okay, hopefully, and all that was left for Tommy to do was to go to sleep.
The moment he’d closed his eyes, he saw it. Määnins dead body. Cold, unmoving. He couldn’t stop seeing it. It trapped him, pinned him to his bed and kept him in an endless cycle of torture. He was going to die here, starving to death with the image of Määnin not breathing burned into his retinas. Tommy hoped that Määnin was okay in the rehab, that he wasn’t too angry at him for forcing him to go. It was getting harder and harder to form coherent thoughts, the exhaustion, thirst and hunger getting to him. He slipped in and out of consciousness, images repeating. Määnin, dead on the floor. Tommy, right beside him. The two of them, rotting in Määnins living room. Corpse Määnin, reaching out, touching his cheek, kissing him with his cold, dead lips.
He was jolted from his horrific dreams by a hand on his shoulder. It was Freppa, staring down at him, eyes wide in concern. He scrambled back, trying to shake the images from his mind. As he blinked he no longer saw Freppa before him, but Määnins pale body. He blinked again and it was back to Freppa. When he moved, Tommy shot back even further, not quite truting that the man before him wasn’t a walking corpse. Freppa held up his arms, trying to make himself look less intimidating. He would have laughed at the idea of Freppa being scary if his heart wasn’t trying to beat out of his chest.
“Tommy, are you okay?”.
He wanted to lie, laugh and say he was fine, but all he could do was stare. Freppa was there, he was real, and he was alive. It reminded him that Määnin was alive too, and that Tommy still needed to be strong for him. Alone, it was so easy to just lie down and die, but with someone else watching, he knew he had to pretend. Pretend to be fine, to be good. He could not make this about himself.
“What?”
I came out as a croak, his throat dry and his voice unprepared after days of not being used.
“How long have you been lying here? Have you eaten at all?”.
Tommy blinked, brain still trying to process that he wasn’t in his little nightmare world anymore. He needed to be strong, but Freppa was looking at him with such kind concern, and it made it hard to lie, even to himself. He didn’t need to be strong, he needed a hug. Freppa moved again, and when Tommy didn’t react he sat down on the edge of the bed, reaching out and placing a hand on his shoulder.
“Tommy? Can you hear me? Are you okay?”
“No”.