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Published:
2025-07-07
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2025-10-05
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6/?
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PLEASE let this be a normal field trip (group chat)

Summary:

Jason thinks maybe he’s seen all group chats have to offer. Maybe he knows what they are.

But ohhhh boy was he wrong.

There are like, twenty-odd numbers here. Jason knows none of them. What the fuck. Texts flood his phone —his personal phone. How the fuck did that happen and who the fuck did it.

Someone names the chat ‘magic users (vigilantes)’

Someone texts “I’m not a vigilante.”

Someone renames the chat to just a period under the logic, “Too conspicuous and also not entirely accurate.”

Jason wonders if the previous chat name implies that there’s a chat for villains as well.

OR

what if all the silly little magic DC skrunkles had a group chat and jason ended up getting involved lmao
mayyybeee just an excuse for me to expand on all-caste shit

Notes:

right so hi
i uh took some liberties with some things
this is literally just crack but i grew up reading high fantasy and warrior cats so there are some overdramatic parts
please do not think for a MOMENT that any of this was supposed to make sense lmao

everything i took artistic liberties with is at the end notes lmao
enjoy and have nice day

yes this chapter is short dw im literally working on ch 2 rn we can even call this one ch 0.5

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Chapter 1: ch 0.5: gaslight gatekeep groupchat!!

Chapter Text

Jason remembers group chats. As Jason Todd, peering over the shoulders of a kid who managed to steal an iPhone, scrolling through the texts of whoever it belonged to. Apparently, that kid used an academic support group chat to lift themselves out of the alley and into an engineering scholarship at Gotham U. Internet, magical. People, magical. Connections, magical. Sharing, magical. Education, magical. The wonders of the world, and the hopes for every kid Jason grew up with hinged on those things. A group chat seemed to connect them all.

As Robin, group chats losing their novelty. Gossip mills and overly formal planning chats seem to be the only option for heroes. He misses the secondhand tutoring that the Alley kids would glean from that stolen iPhone. Technology is so much better, and yet so much worse. There is no holy grail, or divine secrets in the Batcomputer. Only merciless wires and reality.

As Red Hood, group chats once more becoming a place of life. The Outlaws, bantering and teasing and laughing. The batkids chat, light without Batman’s darkness. The chat with his gang executives, a good kind of informal. Jason thinks maybe he’s seen all group chats have to offer. Maybe he knows what they are. But ohhhh boy was he wrong.

There are like, twenty-odd numbers here. Jason knows none of them. What the fuck. Texts flood his phone —his personal phone. How the fuck did that happen and who the fuck did it. Jason resists the urge to throw his phone out the window and shout "Yeet!"

Someone names the chat ‘magic users (vigilantes)’ Someone texts “I’m not a vigilante.” Someone renames the chat to just a period under the logic, “Too conspicuous and also not entirely accurate.” Jason wonders if the previous chat name implies that there’s a chat for villains as well. Someone sends a very long text, which Jason skims. Apparently the chat is supposed to serve as a hub for magic users, so people can find the right user for the right job. And, now get this, the chat is supposed to be for work purposes only. By now, Jason’s been on enough group chats to know how that will end. The chat floods with questions again. Jason’s fingers hover over his phone keyboard.

On one hand, he could cut himself off from this now and save himself the pain of like three thousand messages per day. On the other hand, easy access to multiple magic users could be so useful in the future. Tired Jason wants to just leave the chat. Strategic Jason demands he start drawing up some plans. Jason Jason types “Wait, why am i here tho?”

Someone has the nerve to respond with “idk,” and a less offensive follow up of “who’re you???”

Diana Prince’s number —wait, what is Auntie D doing here??— replies to his message with, “I thought you did use magic?”

Jason’s heart drops a bit to his chest. He can literally hear Ducra’s “Stupid man-child.” How the fuck did Auntie D find out about the All-Blades. He types out, “i mean yea ig but it’s more like hitting and stabbing shit,” fingers numb. “I think it counts if it’s with your soul, little one.”

Several people start typing, and then stop when Jason’s typing bubble appears. He actually might cry. Diana just doxxed him. Oh god, he can never go back to the All-Caste, Ducra’s ghost is going to beat the shit out of him.

“D the entire point is that it’s a secret,” he continues, entirely just done with this all. So much for secretive mystic monks. “You can’t dox me it’s not nice”

“Oh my god how old is he"

Jason barely restrains himself from responding with “Old enough to fuck your mom.” Look at him, abiding by the no killing rule. The chat lapses into silence, a couple question reactions appearing on Auntie D’s message about his All-Blades.

“I’m sorry I just woke up, why’ve we all gone silent?”

“Constantine why the fuck did you just wake up”

Jason’s heart drops a bit more. He’s only heard of John “Hellblazer” Constantine once in passing, but he just seemed like an asshole. A funny one, yes, but Jason doesn’t fuck around with the king of fucking around. He doesn’t want to be the ‘find out.’

“Cause we want mister mystery dude over here to answer what Wonder Woman meant by soul”

Jason curses. There is no way he's getting out of this. He can see it play out: thousands upon thousands of spam, fine print for the dumbest thing, just general magical assholery. Jason knows by way of gossip how bad magic users are when they want to know something. He can just...be obtuse and obnoxious? And it's not like Ducra’s ghost can get to him all the way in Gotham —city’s a bit more sentient than Tim without coffee in the morning, and Gotham loves Her Alley children. Sentient City-Mom versus Human Yoda-Grandma may be more likely than one thinks.

“It’s like soul magic. I take my soul and i shape it and i beat the shit out of people with it. The strongest way can only be summoned in teh face of evil tho and its taxing,” Jason explains, all but praying that it was vague enough.

But alas, someone texts, “All-Blades”

Jason responds with the address of the coffee shop they’re currently in, and turns off his phone.

Chapter 2: Ch 1: for work, they said. formal, they said. convenient, they said

Summary:

I’m gonna be so real i am shitposting

I’m not even funny right now

I dont know half of these characters

But im doing my damn best yall cut me some slack pls

Notes:

this is from Jason’s phone so when he texts it’ll be “you” instead of “Jason”

No you are not Jason

Skill issue lmao

Anyways pls enjoy this IS meant to be a short filler chapter, i just felt like i wanted to cement fully the dynamics of this chat. OOC doesnt exist when its texting lol

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Unidentified #1: Is anyone in russia rn

 

Traci: could be

 

Unidentified #1: is anyone in the *cold and empty and no urban magic* part of Russia

 

Traci: still could be

 

Unidentified #5: 13 for the love of god please stay put you’re *going* to cause an international accident of some sort

 

Traci: sybau

 

Unidentified #5: girlie what does that mean

 

Constantine: she’s gonna invoke the ballerina capuchina or smth idk

 

Traci: please for the love of all that is holy NEVER say that again

 

Unidentified #1: repeat, is anyone near the Siberian tundra rn????

 

Zatanna: wait why do you need us there, where are you, what the fuck could even happen in the Siberian tundra

 

Unidentified #1: one, ok city girl you clearly don’t know shit about big open spaces and two, no im not there i just got bad vibes from it

 

Unidentified #3: gah no not the bad vibes

 

Dr. Fate (the second apparently???): i can go ig but when cause I’ve got a job and i lowkey dont wanna lose it

 

Traci: oh yea ur an actual doctor right

 

*Doctor* Fate: mhm organic chem

 

-

 

Zatanna: right so i kind of need tech support cause

 

Zatanna: I’m fighting this random ass dude like i have gotten no name at all

 

Zatanna: and everything i say is coming out backwards. Like i really do think thats’ just his thing

 

Zatanna: and i was just wondering if that means i need to say my spells forward, or idk???

 

Constantine: ‘Luv just sock him good in the face

 

Zatanna: his thing now involves teleporting i am SO done

 

-

 

Madame Xanadu: so does anyone want a tarot card reading cause im gonna be so real rn im bored as fuck

 

*Doctor* Fate: i swear everytime yall seem mysterious someone goes and does something and ruins it

 

*Doctor* Fate: also yes ma’am i would like a tarot card reading pls

 

Raven: can i too have a tarot card reading

 

Traci: yea wait that sounds fun actually

 

Constantine: sunk so low as to reading tarot cards for rug-rats madame?

 

Madame Xanadu: im not gonna tell you where or when youre going to trip down the stairs this week but know I’ll be laughing

 

-

 

Raven: its always ocean is a soup and never potion is a tea huh

 

Traci: rune is a geometry

 

*Doctor* Fate: wait deadass?

 

*Doctor* Fate: shit yea that works

 

*Doctor* Fate: magic with a price is capitalism (targeted)

 

Traci: AT WHO BRO???

 

*Doctor* Fate: the voices

 

Raven: the voices

 

Constantine: the voices

 

Auntie D: ???

 

-

 

Traci: magic is gay. every time you do your silly little thing its gay. ur all gay

 

Extraño: seconded

 

*Doctor* Fate: wait explain I’m genuinely curious

 

Traci: is this skeptism, doctor? Is this h o m o p h o b i a ?

 

*Doctor* Fate: nah dw its my job as an intellectual to learn as much as i can abt like everything and anything

 

Traci: oh

 

Traci: well

 

Traci: idk magic and queer culture just seem similar

 

Traci: tbh i was really just shit posting Extraño help me out here

 

-

 

Constantine: do you ever just want to commit crime

 

You: oh yes all the time, 10/10 would recommend

 

Auntie D: l i t t l e   o n e

 

You: oh come on you knew the risks

 

You: let the world know!! Sparkly swords man actively partakes and enjoys in crime

 

You: they cant sue me if im legally dead

 

Constantine: ‘luv what

 

You: did i stutter, britishman beantoast?

Notes:

So jaybirds been released

Everyone have a good day

I might, just for fun, make a fic where its just Batfam as things my family members have said or done lol but idk

Chapter 3: 3. doxxing me is equivalent to starting a war.

Summary:

Haha get doxxed Jason suffer

Notes:

Omg wait can i just say thank you for all of the comments??? Like holy shit y’all are absurdly nice

If anyone has ideas, feel free to comment them and I’ll try to incorporate them the best i can!

Enjoy!

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Arataz Annataz, voice message: “don’t have the time to use thesaurus need synonyms for freeze”

 

Metropolis (derogatory): stop???

 

Doc how long do I have: cease movement

 

You: genuinely what

 

Doc how long do I have: oh stfu who is you

 

Doc how long do I have: oh shit that rhymes

 

Britishman Beantoast: halt.

 

You: you shall not pass

 

demonspawn (lovingly): galdalf whatre you doing here

 

You: wait you know what LotR is

 

demonspawn (lovingly): mhm Robin taught me

 

You: HE KNOWS WHAT MOVIES ARE???

 

demonspawn (lovingly): wait who’re you how do you know him

 

You: wouldn’t you like to know weatherboy

 

demonspawn (lovingly): fine then keep ur secrets

 

-

 

Metropolis (derogatory): why is Gotham the way it is

 

Metropolis (derogatory): i have been here for ten minutes and its already getting to me this place is cursed as fuck

 

You: i will fight you go away metropolis kid we dont want you here begone begone begone

 

Doc how long to I have: well that escalated quickly

 

Britishman Beantoast: so our mystery chap lives in Gotham?

 

You: b u r n a n d d i e .

 

Britishman Beantoast: I assure you it has been tried

 

Auntie D: little one that’s not very nice of you

 

You: a u n t i e h o w c o u l d b e t r a y m e e e e e

 

You: g a s p e v e r y o n e b e t r a y s m e e e e e e e e

 

Auntie D: ok so thats a bit over dramatic kiddo

 

You: n o i t s n o t i h a t e y o u a l l l l l l

 

Auntie D: Thought we were past this stage…?

 

You: AUNTIE

 

-

 

You: we should add like a random person and just let the chaos begin

 

Britishman Beantoast: oh well someone’s active today

 

Auntie D: little one thats not very killing evil of you

 

You: betrayed. Youre no longer Auntie D youre getting alias-zoned. I cant believe you’d do this to me Wonder Woman

 

Auntie D: wow i cant believe YOU’D do this to ME, red hood

 

Auntie D: f u c k

 

Metropolis (derogatory): DID WONDER WOMAN JUST CURSE

 

You: ugh fuckkkkkk no my anonymity

 

Tarot Lady: im sorry Mr. Crime Lord that must be so sad

 

You: Madame you knew the entire time didnt you…

 

Tarot Lady: yea basically

 

You: ugh fuck you all ig I’ll just go die

Auntie D: what no im on strict orders to stop you from dying again

Notes:

Yippee

I’m gonna try for a chapter every one or two days, but i have sleep away camp in like a week

Ill bring a notebook and write out a bigger chapter there lol and try to release it the moment i get home!

Chapter 4: less gets done here than in a school group project

Summary:

guess who's back!!

i kno the chapters kinda short lmao sorry theyll be a longer one later™

Chapter Text

Metropolis (derogatory): hey so dude wdym die again…

 

You: mm not telling nah nah nah fucking poo poo

 

Doc how long do I have?: ok how old are you

 

You: old enough to fuck your mom

 

Auntie D: j a y

 

You: wait I’m sorry why am I getting doxxed again

 

You: once again Diana has betrayed me

 

You: unfortunately I know her ip address

 

Auntie D: and just when I think tim is the only weird one

 

You: oh my god go away.

 

Metropolis (derogatory): I’ve got like. So many questions

 

Tarot Lady: wait isn’t the red hood lowk affiliated with Batman

 

Britishman Beantoast: wait you don’t know

 

Arataz Annataz: literally sobbing HOW do you not know madame

 

You: how do YOU know

 

You: why do you know

 

You: wait how MUCH did you know

 

You: answer me woman

 

You: I WILL FIND WHERE YOU LIVE

 

You: wait give me five minutes on god i can find where she lives this is going to be so funny

 

You: ok so everyone’s silent now and actually im confused and concerned tf are yall pondering

 

Britishman Beantoast: we’re trying to figure out your actual identity

 

Britishman Beantoast: without asking that auntie of yours

 

Auntie D: ask superman cause this is lowkey funny and im not ruining it

 

You: wait so five minutes is up actually!! Hows the weather in san francisco zatara

 

Arataz Annataz: kysssssssss

 

You: oh come kill me yourself you coward

 

Arataz Annataz: oh listen i know the rest of your family and i know youre all fucking insane

 

Arataz Annataz: batshit insane

 

Arataz Annataz: badum-tsssssssssss

 

You: oh my GOD GO AWAY

 

You: youre literally not funny

 

Arataz Annataz: oh who is you

 

Demonspawn (lovingly): oh shit i fully do know you lmao dont i

 

You: hahahhahahahahah nononononononononoooonnoonnoo

 

Demonspawn (lovingly): okie dokie then you know what. Idrc. go do whatever man

 

Demonspawn (lovingly): i dont rly have the time for ts

 

You: you are a wonderful person thank you so much

 

Metropolis (derogatory): so uh

 

Metropolis (derogatory): wanna elaborate on the die again…?

Chapter 5: hey so hi

Summary:

hey so its apparently my precious baby boy (jason)'s birthday today
god what an old man
downright geriatric

so heres an impromptu chapter where i try my damn best™

Notes:

so btw i learned it was his bday from my bestie
her exact words are: "GUYS ITS JASON TODDS BIRTHDAY
IN HONOR OF IT, I WILL NOT SAY THE WORD CROWBAR FOR THE WHOLE DAY"

like wow thanks for that mini-boss im sure he loves your present

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

You: gueesss what day it isssssss

Metropolis (derogatory): NATIONAL BRATWURST DAY HELL YEAH BABBBYYYYYY

Doc how long do I have: elvis died today

You: dude what

Auntie D: happy birthday jason!!!

You: YESSS ITS MY BIRTHDAYYYYYY

You: fuck i have to see my ex-dad today

Auntie D: ex-dad???

You: he canceled the duolingo family plan he's been reverted to worst enemy

Metropolis (derogatory): hey so ive got many questions actually though like this does bring up some more things

Annataz Arataz: i know the answers

You: mmm ok well how bout for my birhtday we *don't* spill the beans

demonspawn (lovingly): hbd

You: thank you raven

demonspawn (lovingly): you're welcome red hood

Britishman Beantoast: gasp

Britishman Beantoast: the oaf is capable of civilized talk

You: shut your bitch ass up right now i'll have you know i was top of my english class

Auntie D: he was

You: see

You: wonder woman says it so it must be true

 

Notes:

i know its short i cooked this up on the spot and im like. not that funny, so. helop.

Chapter 6: hi

Summary:

Lowk forgot I had a sixth chapter like typed up and everything lol sorry

Notes:

OH YEAH IM IN MY SCHOOL PLAY WHICH IS PRIDE AND PREJUDICE!! Did it for Jason lmao

I play caroline bingley and Mary Bennett (apparently I have a pretty big range. Ok thank you I think)

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

You: so my dad pmo again

 

Auntie D: do I need to be worried

 

Annataz Arataz: yeah wait hold the fuck up there

 

You: he installed a fucking curfew

 

Auntie D: you…don’t live with him tho?

 

Britishman Beantoast: big bad crime lord living with his mum in the basement then?

 

You: Constantine shut the fuck up for one second please

 

Metropolis (derogatory): wait are we getting red hood lore

 

You: yes Traci, yes we are

 

You: it’s not a house curfew it’s a TECH curfew

 

You: screen time limit.

 

Demonspawn (lovingly): oh shit man I’m so sorry

 

Doc how long do we have: oh my god that’s cruel

 

Auntie D: you still use his stuff??

 

You: borrowed some from timmers

 

You: he’s pretty angry too I’m like in hiding Tim scares me sometimes

 

Metropolis (derogatory): who??

 

You: little brother, college aged

 

You: he likes screens and coffee

 

You: take away the screens and you just have coffee

 

You: raven if dami or dickwing try to crash at your place that’s why

 

Demonspawn (lovingly): wait no they bite

 

You: SO DOES TIM BITCH WE ALL BITE

 

Auntie D: can confirm both the kids and Batman all have rabies

 

Britishman Beantoast: oh certainly

 

Doc how much time do I have: im so confused

 

-

 

You: crazy?

 

Britishman Beantoast: well yeah love youre american i think it goes without saying

 

Demonspawn (lovingly): i was crazy once!

 

Metropolis (derogatory): OMG

 

Metropolis (derogatory): OMG YES

 

Metropolis (derogatory): a rubber room!!!

 

You: A RUBBER ROOM WITH RATTTSSSS

 

You: well actually it was a warehouse with a bomb

 

You: but its ok

 

Doc how long do i have: …and the rats made me crazy??

 

 

Notes:

Yall ready for Halloween

Can’t wait to watch my favorite terrifying Halloween movie: JJK s2

Has anyone read JJK modulo cause omg the twins are adorableeeeee

Inuokko nation is suffering but may I propose: Yuutamaki QPR

Yah goodbye have good day

Notes:

ehhh not my best work but yknow what. im tired. let me eat my lunch. i promise next chapter WILL be better

right so i know that jason prolly died before phones got all silly, but here me out: HE DIES BEFORE COVID AND COMES BACK WHEN THE QUARANTINE IS OVER FOR MAXIMUM CONFUSION

also idk i guess he just latches on more to ducra and essence than in canon. found family is very easy to find. harder to keep but oh well
thinking of maybe having ducra function like a force ghost lmao
she reminds me a lot of yoda
so theres like a page in new 52 rhato where jaybird introduces essence basically as "this was my first kiss, we also tried to kill each other at some point, but we're chill now and we'd lowkey die for each other besties for the resties"

yippee

i have a VERY romanticized idea of group chats lmao. i love them. they literally give me life. and the math homework answers but thats a bit less important now that it's summer. they are magical. lets put actual magical in the magical and get extra magical

fun fact of the post: its better to poop in the sink than to sink in the poop

everyone have a good day!! no one get hurt and stuff!!! SURPRISE BAPTISM (dahlia is EVERYTHING lmao)

and PLEASE COMMENT IM ATTENTION STARVES AF LVOE YALL BYE